Hello all you American Idol nutcases,

We’re in Birmingham.  Bo, Ruben and Taylor are all from there…so everyone thinks we'll find some super-talent.  Seacrest is wearing his striped shirt.  You know the one I’m talking about.  It’s the same striped shirt he’s been wearing for the last five years….<shaking my head>....

Bada Bing is up first.  This little southern gal is very cute.  And you can just tell….she gets whatever she wants and she knows it’s because she’s so cute.  Awwwww….how nice for her.  She looks like the Noxema girl.  She’s singing Unchained Melody….well….she’s wailing it.  And now I hate her even more because I like this song.  Randy looks like a frog bugging his eyeballs out.  Simon thought it was torture.  He calls her absolutely hopeless….and then she just starts singing again.  Why do people do this?  It’s humiliating and irritating.  Do people really think that if they sing louder….they’ll change somebody’s mind?  So pathetic.  Simon is so pissed he’s steaming….he is begging her to shut up.  Paula is acting soooooooo melodramatic – standing and holding her ears and being the high school drama queen that she is…..  Bada Bing just made a total fool of herself.  I knew I got out of bed today for a reason <evil giggle>.

Lots of no’s.  Birmingham is starting to look like a bunch of losers.

And then Squeaky is up.  Seriously.  This may be the weirdest audition I have ever heard.  She has this high squeaky chipmunk voice when she talks….even worse than mine.  But her singing voice – holy cow.  Very bluesy.  I think Paula is high.  She’s acting very weird.  So Paula says bring your husband in and the Pillsbury Doughboy just stands there grinning….Simon is annoyed so Paula says yes.  Good reason, Paula.  Squeaky will at least be entertaining.  Woohoo.

Tatiano, little tiny Tatiano….how does that big big voice come out of such a little tiny body.  She’s cute too and she can really sing.  Randy said she’s a natural, dope, possibly the best in Birmingham.  Simon doesn’t even let Pauler talk and says you’re through to Hollywood.  You go girl!

Everything that Tatiano isn’t, Diana is….she was the base of the cheerleader pyramid in high school.  Oh boy.  At least she’s confident.  But I am a little worried they’re going to be mean.  Doesn’t she watch this show?  She’s singing Whitney Houston.  It’s a little off.  No.  No scratch that.  It’s a lot…..A LOT….off.  Randy is just laughing so hard…..so embarrassing.  Simon asks what normally happens when you sing in public?  Randy is making fun of her, and I just want to pop him one right in the nose.  You know what, DAWG, for some reason Simon is much better at this than you are.  And Paula <sigh> our completely useless Paula says God Bless You.  Thanks Paula. Thanks for the totally useless input.

Bernie Williams is up now and he’s got a pretty nice ‘Boys To Men’ voice.  I like it.  Simon said very good.  He says yes.  Paula thought it was completely off key.  Ok.  I wasn't totally sure before, but now I am.  She’s definitely high.  So Bernie says the secret password – Dawg….and Randy goes into the buggy-eyed trance.  And says yes.  Welcome to Hollywood, Bernie.

Big Bird (a.k.a. Margie).  She’s 26.  And Simon goes, yeah and I’m 11 <heehee>.  I guess he doesn’t believe her.  I don’t know what she’s singing….but Paula and Randy are clearly delirious.  Simon says, I’ve got to be honest, I don’t know what this show is about anymore?  That’s ok, Cowell.  He’s says she looks like some Easter Bunny nightmare experience.  Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay….Easter bunnies look more like rabbits in this country Cowell….maybe they look like chickens in England....but here they look like rabbits.  Simon asks again, how old are you, and she says 33.  Simon asks again, and she says 50.  That’s right, Birdie…nothing gets by him.

Day One is coming close to ending.  I see a lot of blonde Southern belles making it.  And here’s another one.  Daddy’s paralyzed.  She wants to buy her grandma a house.  Oh, for crying out loud.  I think the Pickle may have some competition.  What a sob story.  But here’s the punchline.  She’s in auditioning and talking with the Fab Three and blurts out that Daddy shot her step momma and himself when he caught the tramp cheating on him.  And that's why he's paralyzed.  Yeah.  This is American Idol….not Jerry Springer.  We don’t need you to regurgitate your Myspace page to us, sweetheart.  Her singing is ok.  But with a story like that….come on.  Paula thinks our little Springer girl has a pretty nice voice.  Simon says I agree with Paula….and he looks very surprised.  Randy says, me too.  Springer walks out with her golden ticket and here’s Ryan to congratulate her drooling all over the place.  Seacrest goes, I like Alabama.  Do you?  Dork.

Jack Osbourne is up now….and he says he doesn’t think he looks like Osbourne or Jack Black….he looks like Christina Aguilera.  Heehee.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Heehee.  That's pretty good.  I think he looks like Hurley on Lost.  Nice afro.  Simon asks why he’s here.  Christina wants to make David Hasselhoff cry….because apparently he teared up when Taylor won.  He’s singing Seal.  Paula’s freaking out.  She says I like you very much.  You have a good sense of humor and you’re different.  Christina is my new hero.  He says Paula crumbled in my chubby little hands.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I’m rooting for you Christina.

Paula’s painkiller hangover was apparently too much for her to handle, so she’s not there.  Cousin It is our first contestant of Day Two.  Her hair is six feet long.  It’s very pretty.  And here’s Seacrest going , So what brings you hair?  Dork.  Are you ready to audition….hair we go?  Idiot.  I want to know how much shampoo this girl buys.  And how long does it take her to brush her hair?  That would drive me complete insane.  She wants to inspire people.  That’s sweet.  Simon says you’re a genuinely nice person.  He brings mom in.  Mom looks sweet too.  She’s singing Josh Groban.  She sounds like a church choir, and mom is right by her side.  Simon says, I think only a mom would like it a lot.  Simon says, sorry but it’s a no.  So, cold-hearted.  Randy thinks their hair is hot….what?  Great.  Now she’s crying.  Nice going dawg.

But she was much better than the Human Car Alarm.  This little girl could work for the fire department…..warning whole towns of disaster.  And Simon goes What the hell was that?  Simon says that was the worst voice I have ever heard and everyone says thank you.  All the contestants.  Thank you thank you thank you.  Very polite losers in Birmingham.

Team Nichole is up now.  This poor girl.  Her mom thought she sucked.  And now she has the whole family there in these neon pink shirts.  How embarrassing.  She’s cute.  She’s singing Something to Talk About, I like it.  She’s 17.  Simon thinks she’s very old-fashioned and she sings through her nose.  And it’s a no.  Mom says she gave it her best and gives her a big hug.  Good mom.  Way not to sound too disappointed in your loser daughter.

Has the talent pool dried up?  Seacrest sets us up for the worst of the worst.  It's Star Jones ladies and gentlemen….she has attitude.  And she’s singing Like a Virgin.  It’s terrible.  It’s worse than terrible. It’s Moulin Rouge terrible.  She’s dancing this horrific little routine.  Simon says thank you for an absolutely rotten audition.  Everything about that was wrong.  She thinks it’s the floor.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  The floor?  Are you kidding me?  I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. So, Simon says try it on the carpet.  Sarcasm which Star apparently does not comprehend.  So now she’s singing again on the carpet.  Simon says you are barking mad, aren’t you.  Yes, yes she is Simon.  Now she’s singing Proud Mary.  Simon is dripping with sarcasm now.  And this girl doesn’t get it.  At all.  Simon keeps asking her to leave.  And she’s saying why are you all judging?  What?  Maybe she's being sarcastic now....but I really doubt that.  So she finally leaves the room after spatting off to everyone.  And Simon and Randy come out of the room with her.  Simon keeps going, “Call me.”  Sarcasm again, that she is again incapable of understanding.  And Randy is getting on her too, she calls him a faker.  And now she’s cursing at him.  Simon tries to walk back in the room and runs head-long into the WRONG DOOR.  AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….I think I just pulled something….or hurt myself.  I may fall off the couch.  This is too funny.  Seacrest says thanks for coming down.  And Star says you’re welcome.  Someone please explain sarcasm to this girl.  Please.

And we’re done with Birmingham.  Bye bye Bama.  It’s been swell.  The Hubby switched off the channel too fast for me to catch where tomorrow night is going to be.  But I’m guessing I already know how it’s gonna go.  Badly.  Start crying Hasselhoff.  Start now.

Later gators,

Heather

Good evening American Idol followers,

We’re in Time Square.  Seacrest actually looks kind of classy in his black coat….but I’m still pretty sure he has some awful shirt on underneath it.

People come from all over to fulfill their dreams.  And now we’re scanning the seas of people.  Who can’t count apparently…..estimates ranged from 2,000 to 1 million people.  <shaking my head>  Why are people so stupid?  Randy is wearing a scary pink shirt.  Our guest judge is Carol Sager.  She looks like Liz Taylor. 

The Ultimate New Yorker is up first.  This guy was also on So You Think You Can Dance….he doesn’t like British people.  He’s got this weird flamer Jewish Jersey accent.  And he’s wearing a chinchilla boa over his t-shirt.  He’s singing Gloria…well….singing may be pushing it….Cawling Gloria….it was more speaking than singing.  Ok.  Go Simon.  He is not amused.  Rubbish.  This guy is a jerkface….no class.  And now Simon is peeved.  Stupid jerkface Ian.  Your outta here!

The Cutey Patootie is up next.  She didn’t tell mommy and daddy where she was going, they wouldn’t approve.  Daddy would be disappointed. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  What a sob story….she’s crying.  Now she’s crying in front of the judges….so pathetic….but it might work.  Simon’s flushed face is softening a little….and he likes her.  He likes the fact that she came and tried.  Randy likes her to….I wish he wouldn’t stick his hand in his mouth when he talks…it looks kind of dumb.  Pauler thinks she’s brave.  And she’s going to Hollywood.  Good job sweetie….tears will get the pretty ones anything they want.  Of course, it did help that she could sing.  So she calls….and of course her overly melodramatic teenage brain blew the whole thing out of proportion….Daddy’s very happy for her.  Alright, this is way too much for me.

My Big Fat Greek Singer is on my TV now….she has a crazy mole on her chin….so let’s call her Moley.  It’s….awful.  Wow.  Really bad.  Simon called it appalling.  Simon didn’t like the dancing either.  He’s in a really bad mood.  Bye bye Moley.  Try making a movie.

Ashanti is up now.  That’s really her name.  She’s gone to Hollywood in previous seasons.  That’s right.  Plural.  Seasons.  She’s got one of those quivery voices that I don’t care for….it annoys me.  Simon didn’t like it.  He thought it was old-fashioned.  Nobody likes it.  Now she’s acting like she’s auditioning for Broadway and it’s pathetic.  It’s like a sappy high school play.  These are the days of our idols….she’s been rehearsing this speech for months…in front of the mirror.  I can tell.  If anybody needs a speech, please let me write it for you.  Because this girl sounds like a loser.  And then she just starts singing again…uninvited….this makes me want to pull my hair out.  LEAVE THE ROOM!!!!!  She won’t leave.  Simon says get over it.  And she couldn’t be more affected and insincere….Simon is really really pissed now.  Nice going Ashanti.

The Beach Girls are here….best friends with boobs.  And they want to share their thoughts and this will take a minute….max.  Simon has a goofy look on his face already, and he thinks they must be popular.  They start singing a duet….which sounds terrible.  By herself, Friend One sounds pretty good, a little flat….but I’m guessing she’ll get through.  But Randy is not impressed, Simon thought it wasn’t a good audition.  Simon doesn’t care, so he says yes.  Tell me why Carol is there?  No one is listening to her.  And Friend One runs right out of the room….and leaves Friend Two……who, for the record, is stunningly pretty and has an awesome voice.  Simon is mesmerized.  He says she’s better.  And he’s right.  Everyone says a resounding yes.  The Hubby thinks she’ll be dating Brad Pitt in about ten months.

Clifton the Entertainer is here.  Paula asks if working at the bank is fun….he says its like being on a reality TV show….which for some weird reason Simon thinks is hysterical.  He’s singing ZZ Top….at which point the Hubby pauses the DVR and sings it for me….because I have no idea what this kid is doing…..but when the Hubby sings it, I can actually recognize the song.  Hmmmm….maybe I can talk him into auditioning….Simon doesn’t like this kid stomping his foot, so he starts playing his Taylor harmonica.  Simon says it was squeaky.  He got all no’s. 

And now here’s all the loser guys singing….annoying.  Astronaut, the Green Arrow, and the hair band guy…..Last contestant of the day is a girl, singing Aretha Franklin.  She set the bar high….and I think she cleared it.  She’s got some sass.  Simon says wow, this girl can sing.  I think this girl could win.  Everyone says yes.  And she’s screeching….crying….bawling her eyes out.  Let’s call her the Stoic.

Day 2 – Simon is still in a poopy mood and doesn’t show up in the morning.  Taye Diggs is up first.  What a hotty.  I hope he can sing.  Mom’s there with him.  So sweet.  We could definitely use some eye candy on this show.  Yes.  He can sing.  A little loud, but I like it.  Oh crap….he’s only 16.  Everybody say hello to Paula’s New Project.  She’s trying to sound like she knows what she’s saying.  Whatever.  He’s got his golden ticket.  Thank you.

Nakia is up now.  She’s got more energy than a five year old on crack.  Crazy.  She is a soulful lady.  Paula says she’s infectious.  Simon would rip this girl to shreds though…and I don’t think Tweedledee and Tweedledum have the guts to do it.  Paula says she needs a lot of work.  Huh?  I’m surprised.  Carol actually knows what she’s talking about and tells the girl no.  Damnit!!!  Now she’s upset…now she’s begging….oh my goodness….I’m going to be sick.  Now you’re just being pathetic.  She had her hopes up sooooooooooooo high….this show is becoming more and more depressing.  She was so joyful and I’d probably love hanging out with this girl….at least for a few minutes….I need my mean pills because Darth is not getting any enjoyment out of these people’s pathetic auditions tonight.

Crazy Cowgirl is up now.  She’s singing Selena.  She’s got an awful voice.  This is starting to become not fun anymore.  Carol is looking around like, why do we have to listen to this?  I didn’t sign up for this torture.  Crazy starts telling us that she’s not a singer, but she loves to sing.  And this girl says, I’m tone deaf but all my friends make fun of me.  She thinks she can be taught how to sing.  She doesn’t think she needs to be able to sing to be a winner.  Get this girl her meds, find her straight jacket, and put her back in her padded room……does nobody know how this show works?  Now she’s screeching into the camera…..where’s Simon?  Oh please, Simon….where are you?

The Old Italian is up next.  He’s 47.  He’s singing New Yore, New Yore.  Oh my goodness.  Don’t you have to be young to try out for this show?  I mean isn’t there an age limit?  Has everyone gone completely mad????? Now, we have the Canuck.  Her actual name is Jory.  That’s kind of neat….Canadians have weird names.  She’s pretty good, pretty cute.  I think she’ll go far.  Simon loved it.  He says why can’t they all be like that?  And yes, the lemmings agree with the Cowell, she’s through.

Now we have Queens.  She has a kick ass attitude.  She looks very buff.  Simon is drooling all over the place.  Porcelana Patino is singing now….that’s really her name…..I think I’m going to change my name to something cool like that.  Her voice sounds almost as good as her body looks.  I like how raw this girl is….people will like her.  I like that she pulled off those hip huggers.  Women with will power astound me.  I actually put down the bag of oreos after seeing her.  Go Queens!!!

Seacrest is quoting Shakespeare – what’s in a name?  They can’t get anyone’s name right.  And Seacrest managed to make the Bard sound like Dr. Phil….<sigh>  What is this world coming to?  Simon is calling people Ping Pong.  Now we have mini-Simon. Simon is completely dumbfounded by this comparison.  George Michael?  No, sorry.  He’s singing a Kelly Clarkson song and has this freakishly feminine voice…..like a drag queen…..I’m freaking out.  Simon says get the dress and stilettos….Paula wants to hit him now.  Paula is calling him a bleeper and then she says, you’re a bad boy.  You know what, Paula?  Just sleep with the Brit and get it over with….the sexual tension between the two of them is very distracting.

The Little Flower Child is singing now….it’s a very scratchy voice….and very loud.  I don’t like it at all.  The opera sounds much better.  She has confidence at least.  And she’s going on.  I don’t get it.  All three of her, says Simon.  Because she sang three very different songs.  Get it, get it?    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Seacrest is out in the waiting room dancing with everyone.  I can’t believe he gets paid to do this.  Here’s our montage – All Night Long.  Bunch of weirdos.

Kermit is singing now.  The kelly green shirt got him that name.  He’s from Virginia.  And ladies and gentlemen….we finally got a boy who can sing.  Great, great voice.  Paula is trying not to jump over the desk and tackle him.  Simon thinks he’ll surprise us.  Papa Kermit is very proud.

Nick the Quitter is up next.  He’s from last season and couldn’t remember the words to the song.  So he quit.  Nice strategy.  He’s singing Fly Me to the Moon.  He’s got a nice voice.  Nice.  A lullaby voice.  Paula is swooning.  He’s got a very good stage presence.  And he’s going back to Hollywood.  Maybe he can remember the words this time.

You know what?  With this last girl….I am starting the think Fox invaded the insane asylum.  She’s a clairvoyant and a weirdo.  Her name is Isadora….but that’s not her real name.  Now she’s freaking out and I’m not really sure what she’s singing.  Those stupid bracelets are irritating me.  Ok, I got it….voulez vous couchez avec moi….it’s kind of pornographic in a very disturbing way.  She’s arguing.  I’m tired.  And now I hate her.  Wrap it up!!  Everyone looks confused.  She’s not going anywhere except back to the loony bin.  And on that note, Simon is going home. 

Birmingham is up next kiddies.  Woohoo!

Later gators,

Heather

So Skywalker left for Seattle today.  I can tell you with certainty that absolutely nothing else would fit in her truck when she left.  I am somewhat torn by Skywalker making her way out of the loverly state of Maryland.  We have lived within spitting distance of each other our entire lives and now she’s going to be living across the nation….but still in North America <wink wink>.  I am very excited for her and her big adventure.  I know she is going to be a huge success in Seattle.  But here’s where Darth raises her ugly selfish head – I still don’t want her to leave.  <frowny face>  Have fun Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi better be taking care of you…..or else.

We’re in Memphis this week, kiddies.  It looks like a ghost town.  Because everyone is at the AI auditions.  Good Lord.  That’s a lot of people for a totally cliché intro.  Here are our judges.  Paula in her hangover sunglasses, Randy is ordering donuts, and Simon is scowling at everyone from his corner.  Seacrest is wearing some puke green t-shirt.  Apparently, he is still allowed to dress himself.

Frank the Cheerleader is up first.  He’s singing ‘Heard it Through the Grapevine’….he’s got a lot of personality….but I didn’t think it was really great.  Simon hated it.  Corny, over-the-top, cabaret.  So Frankie Boy starts singing again.  Nobody asked him to….he just does it.  Nononononononononono.  Stop singing.  Why do they do that?  Everyone says no.  But at least he’s nice.  And the cheer team is rahrahing him anyway and then they drop Seacrest on the floor.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now Simon is yelling at everyone to shut up.  So Seacrest tells him he’s being a *&^&bleepbleep%^&$.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And so the tension begins.

So there’s a ton of people there.  Did I mention that already?  And here’s the most boring one of the bunch.  She’s so nervous she is not enunciating her words…meet the Mumbler….and I can’t understand a word she’s saying.  Seacrest is trying to make her smile….she’s not buying it.  Simon can’t understand her.  She’s singing right out of her nose.  And now she’s singing again….even though Simon told her not to…..what the hell is going on here?  If someone tells you your singing sucks….that is English for stop singing.  It does not mean, ok let’s hear another excruciatingly bad rendition.  So she flicks off the camera.  Classy.  And at least we understood that….

Crazy Jeans is up next singing Superstitious and I can’t understand him either!!!  Is it the water?  Now we have BraceFace and I can’t understand her either.  But her bangle bracelets add nice percussion.  Now we have the Hippy Sasquatch….Roy Head’s son.  This guy is very VERY hairy.  But he has a completely fun Meatloaf smile that makes you just want to laugh along.  Paula is pretending to think about it.  Randy keeps blinking and nodding.  And then Simon goes WOW.  Randy blubber blubbers away.  Simon says you’re fantastic, you’ll probably make the finals.  Yes indeedy.  I agree.  But cover up the chest hair….cause nobody wants to see that….

Wandera the Wonder Doll is up now.  She has beautiful eyes.  To go with her royal blue outfit and flaming red hair.  She’s terrible.  She wants to sing again….and everyone says no.  You suck.  And here comes the temper tantrum….she’s hitting the camera…..that’s ok honey, just don’t combust the judges with your superpowers.  ….And all the judges are telling everyone that they’re awful.  Everyone’s crying.  <evil giggle>  You are all pathetic and I wallow in your misery. 

Here’s a guy talking himself up for a very long time….I can smell it…this guy is gonna suck big time.  He’s a crazy epileptic dancer and he’s not really singing….he’s talking.  He wants to sing another song too.  STOP SINGING.  You’re hurting my ears.  I thought I asked for a good singer?

The Local Yocal blondie wants to sing Aretha Franklin….oh geez….why do people do this.  Nice country twang.  I think we just met this season’s Kellie Pickler.  Simon is staring trying to decide….no one was overwhelmed.  Randy says no, Pauler says yes….and Simon says….yes.  What’s with her haircut?  A little lopsided.

Day 2 – everyone loves Pauler.  And everyone wants a hug.  Awwwwwwwwwww.  Paula’s Number One Fan is up first…his wife cheated…..and he thinks being an American Idol winner will make her want him back…..LOSER.  Another sob story……hate this.  So…he’s singing Footloose.  I love this song and Topher is butchering it big time.  And trying to dance…..Paula might fall out of her chair laughing.  Simon says we’ve all been to one of those weddings where someone gets drunk, sings this song….and then falls off the stage.  Hmmmm....I haven't been to one of those wedding yet.....Simon says feel good about calling your ex a bitch on national TV.  That’s right.  There’s a silver lining to every humiliating experience.

Heidi the Hooker is singing now.  She thinks her dress boosts her confidentiality.  <ahem>  That was not a typo.  Confidentiality ladies and gentlemen….please start paying our teachers worthy salaries….please.  I think her boobs might fall out of that dress….she sounds awful.  Simon says ‘You’re a handful’  And the Hubby knew what he meant.  She wanted to sing again…and this time they let her.  And now she’s strangling a drowning cat.  Yikes.  Goodbye Heidi.  Your street corner has been missing it’s idiot….

Castro Jr. is singing now.  He’s got the Jesus beard and he’s singing Johnny Cash.  He’s getting into it.  Nice folksy soulful voice.  No one expected that.  Not even me.  Simon expected a revolution.  Heehee.  Randy says it doesn’t matter what you look like, welcome to Hollywood.  Nice quasi-compliment Randy.  Fabulous.  I’m gonna have loads of fun with this guy.

Dr. Doolittle is up next and she is very very nervous.  Simon wants to know if she hates everyone she sings backup for…..like do you want everyone to fall off the stage so you can take over.  She says no….bad answer.  She sings some Stevie Wonder.  Pretty good.  Some strong lungs on her, oh boy.  Simon says get some confidence and some attitude, you’re brilliant.  Welcome to Hollywood.  She's too nice....I don't think she'll last.

And now it’s time for the Elvis montage.  So now we get to meet a guy who thinks he sounds like Elvis.  This should be good.  He’s not going to dance, he has some movement.  His voice is as good as his vocal.  He has a broken tooth that is very distracting.  He sings and it’s very fast…and very off.  Randy and Paula pretend like they got into it (so cruel)….Simon says what are we supposed to say to that?  Now Paula and Randy tell the truth….he’s devastated…..and walks out.  What the hell is Seacrest wearing?  Some farm boy pink checkered shirt debacle….<shaking my head>….

So Memphis can’t dance, can’t sing, and can’t talk.  And to make things worse the NHL Skills Competition is on tonight…which the Hubby keeps switching to….and pointing out that Alexander Ovechkin is the best hockey player of our time and I need to watch this and appreciate the fact that he is on the Capitals team.  The Wizards are losing their butts to the Suns, but Gilbert Arenas is still very cute.   And I really need to get DVR for the other TV in this house….

New Daddy is singing now.  And now, I want him to win.  He’s glowing.  And he has a sense of humor clearly.  Stupid sob stories….yeah so your wife just had a kid….what if you suck?  What then?  Then I’ll feel bad….and that is not at all what Tuesdays are about.  He picks the Temptations My Girl.  Simon decides he can’t start his songs well.  Randy and Paula say they like it and Simon says I disagree.  But no matter.  Moby is through to Hollywood and everyone will love you or at least your new kid.  Babies are good for at least a few votes, right?

22 people are through, and we saw like two of them.  And here is Moby with his new baby girl.  How cute.  What did I tell you?  It’s New York tomorrow, kiddies.  I hope they can speak a little more clearly.  Or maybe dance a little.  Or maybe even sing.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Later gators,

Heather

Good morning you American Idol wannabes!

It’s raining in Seattle.  This is where Skywalker is moving….in like five days.  Someone has been shaking the Seattle snow globe for about three months.  I am surprised it hasn’t fallen into the Pacific.  And this is where she’s moving.  <sigh>  I guess she could have picked worse places to live.....like Siberia.  Here’s Seacrest in another t-shirt and blazer.  Skywalker…listen to me….don’t ever dress like this.  If Seattlites dress like this….do not conform.  It makes me crazy.

First up is an old familiar face.  Uncle Sam is actually from last season.  He’s our sheriff, the one that I thought was there on a bet.  And apparently for losing that bet….he had to come back and make a fool out of himself again.  He’s singing God Bless America.  But….you know what…..he actually looked kind of upset when they told him he sucked.  Weird.  Maybe he was serious after all?!?!?!?

Botulism Lips is a local.  She thinks she sounds like Mariah.  The Hubby is making faces and fake-retching over on his couch.  She does look pretty disturbing.  And never mention Mariah near Randy.  She’s very breathey….like an asthma attack….The judges are cringing.  She wants to keep going and Simon and Randy both go NO.  Now she’s going rounds with Simon….now she’s singing over him….and Simon is screaming at her….STOP SINGING.  And she won’t.  Simon is begging.  Lips doesn’t think Simon knows anything about music.  Sure sweetheart, that’s why he’s a gazillionaire. 

It’s still raining.  And Simon is being ruthless. Amy is a single mom.  She’s here by herself.  Her hubby doesn’t care.  This is a sappy sappy sob story….and she’s crying just telling it….and her chubby little face is scrunching up into that cry-face.  She’s very very …..terrible.  It’s a cat getting strangled.  This is a Christina Aguilera song?  Simon tells her she can’t sing.  She wants to try again.  Simon is being brutal and she’s getting that cry-face again.  Oh God.  Please stop.  I’m feeling sorry for her….and she won’t stop singing again.  Simon and Randy are screaming at her.  Now I feel terrible.  She is completely delusional. 

And here’s a ton of terrible singers.  Apparently Seattle is full of them.

Darwin Mischa whatever her name is….why don’t we call her Fanny Freak.  She looks exactly like her mom.  She thinks an attitude makes her sexy.  Sorry hon.  That’s really not the case.  Looks help a whole lot with the sexiness factor….and so does wearing a bra.  And what do you know? She’s a fan of the show.  They bring her mom in and Paula mouths “Oh My God” into the camera.  This is scary.  She’s singing Don’t You by the Pussycat Dolls.  And the Hubby is squirming on the sofa….yikes….This girl is gonna be one of those cat hoarders.  No doubt.  Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me….a freak like me.  Simon called her appalling.  Mom says she’s nervous.  Right mom.  You’re both deaf, now go buy your daughter a bra and never sing again.

Oh let’s see now.  A whole lot of losers.  Who can’t sing.

Tommy the Gas Station Attendant with an afro is up next.  He’s full of confidence.  He's singing Arms of a Woman.  He’s tried out before…twice before….this is not a good sign.  But wait.  Now he’s singing and Paula is smiling.  Strong voice.  The judges are mesmerized.  Simon says Thank You and I think he means it.  He celebrates with the fam and Seacrest is holding their Chihuahua.  Paula says if Simon and I ever have a baby, this is what it will look like, referring to the dog.  Simon likes the dog too.  How cute.  I wonder if he has pets.  You can always tell a lot about people by the pets they have.

Now, we get Pretty in Pink.  Ladies please.  No neon pink body suits.  Ever.  I don’t care if you’re Carmen Electra.  And this girl is most definitely not.  Ok, sorry.  The Hubby just corrected me.  Carmen Electra can wear whatever she wants.  Pinky is terrible and Simon does resist the urge to make any fat jokes.

Mohawk Man thinks he is Seacrest.  He starts with the beat-boxing.  Now he’s singing Seal.  It’s ok.  Simon is not as impressed with him as Pauler…but he’s going to Hollywood anyway.  Simon thinks he’s obnoxious.  Daddy’s crying he’s so proud.  Dad made me smile more than Mohawk.

Another line of the worst of the worst.  And then we get Alfred E. Neuman.  Simon names his worst singer ever.  He has a major wake-up call.  This poor guy.  I can’t even imagine what he was thinking coming to an audition like this.  Perhaps he’s a little ‘unbalanced’?

Now….here’s Bollywood.  Bro and sis are great.  Sister Bolly sings Summertime (one of my favorite songs) and it’s…..<fingers crossed>…..ahhhhhh, fantastic.  Paula thinks she is subtle but great.  Simon thinks that there’s nothing unique about her.  Except for the fact that she’s Indian, Simon.  Randy likes her voice.  Squidly and Diddly say yes (that’s what Simon called Pauler and Randy….heehee).  Now Brother Bolly is up.  He sings Stevie Wonder.  Simon thinks he’s better than his sister.  OoooooOOOOoooooo….sibling rivalry.  I told you he was an instigator.

And it’s still raining.  The parade of freaks continues.  Up now is….an I.T. guy….who thinks Unchained Melody is an “interesting” song.  Oh boy.  This is another one of my absolute favorite songs….and I fear that he is going to butcher it.  This guy bugs his eyes out like a crazy alien.  He sings in a choir.  His coworkers thought he should come….guess what dude….your coworkers hate you.  I’m having a premonition of his future – 70-year old virgin.  This is quite literally the worst WORST rendition I have ever heard.  This guy would be thrown out of a karaoke bar.  And….get this….they let him sing…the….WHOLE….song.  Simon says, What the bloody hell was that?  It was almost nonhuman.  And here’s Buggy Eyes bugging his eyes out and being even weirder.  Make sure this guy doesn’t torture small animals.  Seacrest is just staring at him.  I probably would be laughing harder if this guy wasn’t so likely to give me nightmares.

Now, we have the last guy of the day.  Black leather jacket.  He has some confidence about him.  Looks like a guy we would be friends with.  OooooOOOooooo, he’s Venezuelan.  He picked Open Arms (Journey).  Randy was in that band….just in case you didn’t know.  Oh my.  NII  IIEEEIII CE <For Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan> .  Simon says no.  Paula thinks he’s crazy.  She says yes.  It’s up to Randy….he drags it out for the drama….Randy says yes.  See you in Hollywood.

Simon has had a bad day.  But…..it is finally over.  Seven people selected.  Well worth sitting through like 15 hours of ear-splitting auditions…

Day Two.  And now it’s not raining.  And even more weirdos have come out.  For example – Lemur-Boy and Slingblade Jr.  Lemur-boy is up first.  He keeps saying Dawwwwwwg….and you know how much I hate that.  He’s singing N’Sync.  He’s got these lame dance moves that go with the song.  Paula and Randy can’t stop laughing.  Simon thinks he looks a little odd………but Simon can’t think of the animal that has those enormous eyes.  He calls him a bush baby.  Paula likes him, his dancing.  Now it’s Slingblade’s turn.  This is a train wreck.  Doesn’t anyone love these people?  He has an amazing personality….like Ted Bundy.  He’s singing God Bless America…..Lemur-boy thinks he sounds good….Seacrest has a straight face (and completely just earned his entire paycheck).  Paula came up with her 10 billionth way of saying ‘You suck.’  At least Simon tells him the truth.  Would you vote for him?  You’re friggin right you would!!!  Some days are good vocal days….some days aren’t good vocal days….and this was medium, according to Slingblade.  Ok boys….now go burn up some ants with a magnifying glass. Mmmmmmkay.

Now.  Another grey-haired guy.  He’s a hairdresser…and he looks like he’s pretty good at it.  So why stop?  The Taylor look has helped with the ladies….really?  I wouldn’t have guessed that.  This guy reminds me of David Arquette.  Simon thinks he’s drunk.  He has a crazy lisp.  Now, he wants to fix Simon’s hair.  And the security guys literally toss him right out the door.

Lisa Leslie is up next.  After we get to see exactly how short Seacrest is….heehee.  She’s 6’7”….with heals.  She’s singing Respect.  It was very loud.  Simon’s not sure…..and Randy and Paula are making fun of him….so he starts pouting like a big baby and doesn’t say anything, either way.  You just put through a giraffe, says Simon, after she gets her golden ticket.

Jordan Sparks, 16-year old.  The Cosby Girl.  Very cute.  She picked some Celine Dion.  It sounds great.  A little loud, but very good.  The judges are transfixed.  Pauler loves her.  Randy is blown away.  Her dad’s an NFL corner…Simon says Oh yeah, like he knows….and he obviously doesn’t….but the Hubby did.  Simon gives her some constructive criticism.  She’s got her golden ticket.

Now another Pussycats montage Dontchya? With the biggest losers.  Holy cow.  Skywalker….you will be living amongst these crazies.  Have fun.  And please stay away from Red…aka Satan.  There’s not that many redheads that you see on TV these days…is that really true?  He entered the competition because he likes competition.  He’s singing Bohemian Rhapsody….and Paula and Randy and Simon all bust out laughing immediately.  So rude.  Careful judges….this guy could probably smite you down with hellfire.  Simon thinks he’s the weirdest.  He said it was like a one-year old singing.  Now he’s talking gibberish.  And for the record, Simon is never trying to be rude.  Everybody says no.

There’s nothing left.  Seattle.  Done. <I think Seacrest just came up with his catchphrase of the season>  Memphis is next.  I’m hoping we get to see a few more people who can actually sing there….keep your fingers crossed.

Later gators,

Heather

p.s. Attached are pictures of a Lemur and a Bush Baby for reference purposes.

Hello again all of you American Idol fanatics!!!

So, I’m driving home from work today, and work today happened to be in Annapolis, which meant I had to travel on the fantastic and highly entertaining Capital Beltway.  Sorry Baltimore.  Your beltway just isn’t nearly as death-defying as ours.  So right from the get-go I wasn’t very happy and we all know after last week’s tirade how I feel about incompetent drivers.  And its 495…so, I fully well expect to see plenty of those.  I leave Annapolis and there’s this white truck behind me.  White trucks rank very high on the list of vehicles most likely to be driven by morons.  Very close behind White Vans.  So this truck is tailgating me and I swerve out of the fast lane so he can speed by and then I give him the thumb’s up.  No.  Not that finger.  The thumb’s up.  Allow me to explain.  The Hubby thinks it is dangerous for me to express my road rage in profane hand gestures….so instead, I react sarcastically….which must earn me more positive karma points.  The thumb’s up simply means I’m telling you you’re awesome and by awesome, I of course mean idiot.

I’m merging onto the Beltway from Rt. 50 when all of the sudden a white truck goes careening past me from right behind My Car.  The same white truck.  What the hell?  Didn't this guy pass me?  And before I can even start to feel annoyed, I look over to see the moron driving the evil white truck and there he is, toothy grin on a cocky early 20-ish jerkface…..and he’s giving me the thumb’s up.  I laugh before I know what I’m doing.  Either he reads this blog or he knew me in a past life….because I think…..I’m detecting a hint....of sarcasm.

So, I’m zipping around the Nascar bend, fast approaching the Spur, in the left-hand lane (because I’m passing people) when I see with my peripheral vision…..a white truck to my right.  But it can’t be the same truck…..right?  Oh yes it can.  I look over and see my Jerkface Kindred Spirit.  He’s waving at me and I’m giggling like a stupid teenager.  I gesture for him to cut in front of me, which of course he does, and off he speeds into the sunset with a wave and undoubtedly a smile.  And I bet you all thought I was gonna be complaining about something…

Not tonight.  Nothing can upset me.  It Tuesday, January 16, 8p.m.  “It’s starting!! It’s starting!!”  I scream as I run around in circles in front of the TV in my caffeine, sugar induced high.  Season 6 has just begun.

And just in case you forgot how last season ended….here is the recap.  Taylor won, just in case you forgot.  Chris lost.  <sigh>  And Seacrest is saying how “we’ve discovered” all this talent, we’re doing it again, cliché cliché cliché.  LOVE IT!!!  The dawn of a new season, seven cities and over 100,000 auditioned and you just know that most of them totally suck.  And the stars of our show?  Yes, they’re back too – Randy, Paula and that Brit you love to hate – Simon Cowell.  And here’s Seacrest in his very predictable t-shirt and blazer.  Jewel is our guest judge.  We’re in Minneapolis.  Let’s get started kiddies.  We have TWO WHOLE hours to talk about.

First up is Jessica.  She works at The Mall of America.  Who doesn’t?  She loves Jewel and now Seacrest has made her delirious by telling her she’s going to meet her idol.  Fantastic.  I smell a loser.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, I’m right of course.  Nosy nasal voice from hell.  Randy is laughing already.  Jewel and Paula are trying to be nice.  Simon isn’t.  <evil giggle>  Now she’s crying and making a fool of herself.  The Hubby is staring at me with the look that says, don’t you realize I could be watching hockey right now?  I got to hand it to Jessica though.  Her tantrums hog about 10 minutes of air time….Fox has learned about the long uncomfortable pauses from The Office.  It’s fantastic.  I’m squirming with glee.  STOP SINGING YOU LOSER.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Other door.

Ok next up is Amish Troy.  He has no plan and Seacrest thinks that’s a bad idea.  Boy is it ever.  I have no idea what gibberish is coming out of his mouth.  I don’t even think it’s a real song.  It doesn’t make any sense at all.  Simon is bugging his eyes out and everyone is shaking their heads.  Bye bye loser.  Other door.

Then we get bad.  Other door.

And badder.  Other door.

And the baddest.  Other door.

Monotone Man thinks he has amazing range.  He thinks it is his ‘unique quality’  He’s wrong.  He sings like he talks.  Completely flat.  Simon is disgusted.  He just walks out in the middle of his audition to get some water and everyone is confused.  Now he’s back and he sounds exactly the same.  Terrible.  Paula looks like she has a migraine….and this is only contestant #38 out of 10,000.  Simon wants to know why he bothered coming back in.  Randy is laughing.  Simon points out that they’re not looking for a 2-year old who can’t sing.  Ouch!!  He says absolutely categorically never.  Monotone Man says they’re entitled to their opinion.  Yes, they are you idiot because they’re the judges.  Thanks for stopping by.  Other door.

Apollo Creed is up next.  He wants to knock them out with his performance.  He looks ridiculous all dressed up in his boxer uniform.  No no no no no.  It’s awful.  Simon doesn’t know what’s going on….why are we acting like this is normal?  Bye bye loser.  Other door.

The Crack Baby is up next and we have our first sob story of the night.  As I have explained endlessly, sob stories make me crazy.  I don’t want to feel sorry for you, I want to wallow in your misery.  She’s ok, but she’s really really loud.  She’s screaming, just in case we thought her lungs were damaged by being a crack baby….Simon thinks it was a good audition and all the lemmings agree.  Welcome to Hollywood Crack Baby.

And now it’s time for that famous Fox Overproduction – Forgetting Your Words and Really Screwing Up.  It’s a montage to that classical music that was the soundtrack to Platoon.  Simon is staring at our test subject like she has 2 heads.  She’s singing Prince's ‘Kiss’ and she knows like four words out of the whole song and she just keeps singing them over and over.  She even plays with her imaginary ear piece and sings to herself to try to help her memory.  It’s totally pathetic.  Simon is taking a nap.  But hey….at least she can snap and stomp her feet to a beat….that’s gotta be worth something, right?  Nope.  You suck.  Bye bye.  Other door.

Shakey Shakira is up next.  And here’s another sob story.  She’s the American Dream.  Simon is drooling over this little Latino and even the Hubby quieted down for a few seconds.  She’s called him Zeemoan.  Heehee, I think that may have won her a golden ticket….and she actually can sing.  I think it sounds good.  Simon says muchos gracias.  Awwww, Randy likes her too, big surprise.  <wink wink>  Welcome to Hollywood Shakey.

So the girls are going through and the boys apparently totally suck in Minneysoda.  We need a “real man”.  So who do they give us?  A cowboy.  Oh please help me.  I think my face is going to freeze in this position of laughing my ass off……he’s unique in that totally sucky way of not being able to sing at all.  He tries his hand at some Johnny Cash and even though it’s Cash…..he still has absolutely no harmony or melody or anything.  It is flatter than flat.  Pointless.  Awful.  The judges are getting ruthless.  Bye bye loser.  Other door.

Top Gun is up next.  We have shots of him on his aircraft carrier so we know he’s going through.  He sings some Rascall Flatts and it wasn’t great but he fights for our country and so yes, everyone will love him….at least for a week or so…..Go Navy….straight to Hollywood.

Next we have a big fan of the Wizard of Oz.  She is impersonating the Lion, but she sounds more like Chewbacca.  It’s kind of scary.  Simon calls it tuneless, mediocre, juvenile and awful.  That pretty much sums it up.  She asks if they want her poster.  Nope take your poster with you loser.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..I think that may have made her cry!  So cold-hearted.  Other door.

The Dr. Phil Singing Coach is up next.  He’s a real singing coach who can’t sing.  Imagine that.  It’s a bad Broadway, high school production in a drag queen falsetto.  It hurts to listen to…and I can see the Hubby playing with the remote dreaming about the hockey game on CSN.  Simon tells Randy he’s being rude.  You know that game he plays.  He’s an instigator.  He gets the kid all riled up.  So now Randy has to tell him he totally sucks.  And then Simon says no too.  HAHAHAHA.  Fantastic.  Bye bye loser, thanks for stopping by.  Other door.

So the Hubby finally gave in to the need to watch some hockey….the game is blipping by at quadruple speed thanks to the DVR, which is the Hubby’s favorite new invention.  Johnson is in goal, so I’m guessing we’re gonna lose.

Blondie is up next, tall, thin and 19.  Just how Simon likes them.  She was pretty good, but I wouldn’t call it great.  Simon liked the audition, said she was confident without being irritatingly precocious.  That’s a good thing.  Here’s your ticket and welcome to Hollywood.

Dana is up next and she has the best boss ever.  Listen to this, her boss flies her out for another audition because she flunked out of the first one….loser.  Yeah, Simon and Randy think something hinky is going on.  Dana says oh no….it’s not like that.  They are not convinced.  So after she stinks it up, they invite the Boss Man in for a talking.  He’s totally harmless, but when Dana sings again for the Boss Man….we discover (or rather Simon and Randy decide) that she must be in love with her boss….because she sounds better when he’s there….but not good enough.  Bye bye Dana, and say goodbye to that raise.  Other door.

Pimpleface is up next.  He's 16 and from Minneysoda.  His parents aren't here and this is the first comment I get from the Hubby all night “That’s pretty sh***y.”  I agree, parents should be there for such a young kid.  And then Pimpleface starts singing and he sounds amazing.  Very cute.  He gets his golden ticket, calls mom and starts crying his cute little teenage heart out.  Awwwwwwww.

Now we get the Army Brat.  Her hubby is in Iraq.  She’s a Reservist.  This is sounding painfully close to another sob story.  Please…oh please be able to sing!!!!  And she can.  She’s not one of the best, but she’s good enough.  Aaaaaaaaaaand, on top of all that, she starts talking to her hubby’s picture and then tells the camera that he’s not much of a talker (referring to the picture).  I like funny people, so now I’m rooting for her.  And she shakes everyone’s hands.  Which I always think is pretty classy.  Just no kissing on the lips…..right McPhee?

Freddy Krueger is up next.  Her name is actually Sarah Krueger….but come one….I can’t let that one slide.  She’s pretty.  She sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow….which nobody seems to appreciate how difficult that is…..and she nails it.  My first prediction for top 12, ladies and gentlemen – Krueger.

Now it’s Jugglin’ Jason….with props.  Oh yes, kiddies.  He’s singing AND juggling.  I’m crying now I’m laughing so hard.  He has a painfully awful voice.  Simon and Randy are brutal and Jewel and Paula tell him to audition for a talent show….which is really an insult too.  The kid storms out of the room and cries like a big baby.  He’s yelling profanities and making quite the scene.  “Juggling is not my life.”  Hmmmmm, better re-think that one pally.  Other door.

Biggest Fan Crazy Girl is next.  She thinks she should win simply because she’s a huge fan of the show.  Come on.  If that was the case you people would see me on the show.  She sings some Freddy Mercury and the Pumpkin actually ran out of the room.  The Hubby is groaning in discomfort.  It’s ear-splittingly awful.  Simon says no, and then she says….get this….but I’ve had 10 years of training!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh really?  You must be joking?!?!?!  I couldn’t really decide if this poor schmuck was being serious or just wanted to get on the show.  Either way, that’s entertainment.  Other door.

We’re nearing the end and Fox has prepared the Prince ‘Kiss’ montage (because Prince is from Minneapolis).  Oh.  Oh this is why I love this show.  What a bunch of deaf losers.

Finally we get Daddy’s Little Boy – Josh.  Dad says he wanted Josh to be a goalie….because they play hackey in Minneysoda….who knew?  He thinks that Chris has opened doors for all the Rockers out there.  Well….I am very pleased that mysterious cool rocker dude has inspired you, but seriously…..you suck.  He sounds terrible.  Simon makes him learn an ABBA song to prove that he sucks.  Which he does….emphatically.  Dancing Queen never sounded so bad.  Simon says you don’t need a voice coach, you need a transplant.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  There’s the limey I have missed for so many months!!!  Now Daddy’s Little Boy is crying like the loser he is!!!  Chris never cried you big baby!!  OTHER DOOR!!!

And after two whole hours of brilliant reality….17 out of 10,000 made it through.  The Hubby just stared at me.  This is on again tomorrow sweetheart….another two hours.   Guess you shouldn’t have invited the #2’s over without telling me, huh?  Seattle here we come.  I gotta find out what kind of freaks Skywalker is going to be living near.

Now.  Exit stage right.  No….not that door.  The other door.  <sheesh>

Later gators,

Heather

So it’s the New Year.  Happy New Year!  2007.  Wow.  I hope you all had someone to smooch with when the clock tolled midnight on Sunday.  I hope your hangovers were not too terribly painful.  And I hope that there is no photographic evidence of whatever debauchery you were involved in.  The Hubby and I spent a quiet night at home to ring in the festivities.  And that is exactly all you get to know about it.  <smile>  I did go through the completely useless exercise of coming up with my standard resolutions.  I honestly don’t know why I bother anymore.  I mean seriously….when does “Stop being such a piggy” become a prayer instead of a resolution?  I am proud to say that I have not broken this resolution…as of now….two days into it.  I am fairly certain that I must be doing this whole thing wrong….like maybe I have to close my eyes and say the resolution in my head and then drink the champagne…..because apparently, up until now, my resolutions are not working properly.  I feel like, perhaps, this year I should devise some more useful resolutions….ones that I might actually keep.  So, I made a list…..because I like lists and they make the Blog look more official.  Here are some of my new and improved resolutions:

1. Don’t fall off any tall buildings.

Yeah.  That’s as far as I got.  I can’t really top that….I am pretty much in control of that one….taking out of consideration fate and whatnot.  And….if I can manage that, I can consider myself a huge success. 

As I am sure you can probably surmise, by the sheer fact that there continues to be a Blog, I survived the remainder of the holiday season with no major catastrophes befalling me.  I did try to go grocery shopping on the Christmas Eve weekend which was a HUGE mistake, and very clearly reaffirmed my hatred for most all other people.  I decided that whenever I felt like throttling someone, I would say ‘Merry Christmas’ instead, for the karma points and to keep myself in a festive spirit.  This….did not….work….at all.  I feel like this is the perfect point for an aside.  A glimpse into the mind of an evil genius….heehee.  Ok.  So, one of my favorite movies (remember me saying that I love movies, right?) is a movie that came out in the late 80’s called Heathers.  Yes….yes….a movie called Heathers?  How could I not like it?  Mini-plot is the evil clique in high school are all named Heather.  Their semi-rebel friend, played by Winona Ryder, murders the top Heather because she is too evil but then one of the other Heathers becomes even worse.  It’s fantastically macabre….in that way that only high school can be….now, whenever Winona is less than overwhelmed by the mental aptitude of one of her fellow high school buddies, she says in a very dry, very straight voice ‘You…are…so….cool.’  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Brilliant.  See….it’s funny and ironic….because that’s not at all what she is really thinking….<sigh>….I guess you just have to watch the movie.  But.  This is why this whole aside is relevant to my grocery shopping fiasco.  When I say ‘Merry Christmas’ I really mean, ‘You’re an ungrateful, rude, mean hellspawn.  I hope your screaming banshee children make you miserable for the rest of your life.’  Don’t start being judgmental now, gentle reader.  You know how hard it is to stay in the spirit of things when confronted with these obstacles.  And by obstacles, I of course am talking about people.

I got the oil changed in the Car…and am now totally convinced that the Opus Dei cult at Jiffy Lube has sabotaged the transmission or at least the clutch….because it just doesn’t shift the way it used to….which is more likely me just being paranoid….and also God reminding me to stay loyal to my normal mechanic even if he can’t fit me in for an oil change on the day I wanted to come in…I spoke to my in-laws over the holidays waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than usual…which was……….um………..MERRY CHRISTMAS.  Yes, the in-laws were in rare form over the holidays.  Apparently, they have all completely forgotten everything they once knew about this stranger we call the Hubby, because they were constantly interrogating me about what to get him.  Let’s see, the Hubby and I have been married for 7 ½ years.  They have known him for all 30 years of his brilliant life.  And rather unfortunately, I ran out of ideas pretty quick.  So sister-in-law got him a game called ‘Killer Bunnies’, which I found on Amazon.  I thought it was hysterical.  You have to keep your bunnies alive, and kill everyone else’s bunnies so that you can claim the magic carrot and win the game.  Sounds like fun right?  Well….the Hubby thought it was kind of stupid….and when we tried to play…..it took…..forever.  <sigh>  There were two books of instructions.  I don’t mean one in English and one in Spanish.  I mean Volume One and Volume Two.  How complicated can killing bunnies be?  Apparently, very very complicated.  I have watched more football in the last ten days than I thought was humanly possible.  I am so sick of football I feel like crying every time the next Bowl game comes on the TV….which is about every five minutes.  Of course, we did stay up to watch Boise State win the Tostito Bowl….which was pretty cool.  And we did see that totally ridiculous play by West Virginia when their entire offensive line froze after snapping the ball.  The center even fell over on the ground.  I liked that one….that was entertaining….especially since the other team was so thrown off by it WV scored a touchdown.  But seriously….no…..more……football.  Please.  And somebody tell the Capitals to start winning again.  Dad#2 and Wife got me this completely brilliant Caps jersey for Christmas.  Now I can look like a real fan when we go to the games!!!  But they need to start winning again!!

The vacation/holiday was not all such a nightmare.  I did get the basement cleaned out.  And finally unpacked the last box of trash that we moved in to this place over 8 months ago….<giggle>….so I guess that means we are officially moved in now.  Also, on Christmas Eve we got some very exciting news.  The Sister-in-Law and Husband are preggers!!!  The Hubby and I are going to be an Uncle and Aunt.  I am thrilled about this.  The Hubby has decided already that he is going to have a nephew and teach him how to play sports, because he doesn’t trust Mr. Sister-In-Law to do it properly.  I put in my order for a niece so I can teach her how to be sarcastic and how to appreciate the Lord of the Rings in both book and movie formats.  I am mostly thrilled because this will be the first time since I’ve known her that I will be thinner than my sister-in-law.  Don’t tsk me, you already know how shallow I am….Imagine that, me an Auntie.  Auntie Darth.  Ahhhhh, the trouble I can cause now.  Kids get away with anything…when they’re really little….so I’ll just blame the mayhem on the Newbie.  Life is going to get much more interesting.  The In-laws of course handled this news with their usual grace and poise.  I think I am permanently deaf in my left ear now thanks to all the screaming and carrying on….of course I don’t even care.  Babies make everyone smile.  And apparently scream.   

The Hubby turns 30 today.  <evil laugh> The big 3.0.  Finally.  No more hearing that he’s the only 20-year old at the table….when it’s just him and me at the table….no more of that.  Of course the Hubby will look like he’s 25 for the next three decades….so he could really care less about this milestone.  Men are like that….ageless.  Which is so totally unfair.  You lose weight faster and age slower.  And we’re the ones that have to give birth….makes…..absolutely…..no sense.  I think I’ll switch that up when I become Supreme Ruler of the Universe.  See how you boys like it.  And by the way….don’t ever try to order a birthday gift off of e-bay.  I have suffered through a major fiasco with the gift-giving plan.  I ordered an extra special gift for the Hubby.  An autographed pic.  It was supposed to be here by now….and of course it’s not.  And of course, I get an automated message from these morons saying that I haven’t paid yet….when I actually have….jackasses.  Needless to say, I sent them a very scathing extremely mean message telling them to get their s*** in gear.  I also mentioned that they ruined the Hubby’s birthday.  Yes.  I am not ashamed to admit this.  I felt it necessary to add that little blip of info into the message.  You ruined his birthday.  Which is obviously not true.  And I obviously got a few negative karma points for that one….but it felt good to say at the time and I was really angry.  I maaaaaaaaaaay have apologized for it later…..or not……but he will not have this fantastically well-thought out gift in time for his party celebration.  MERRY CHRISTMAS. 

By the way, the Hubby positively secured his future position in my life by purchasing me a very glam digital camera for Christmas.  I didn’t even ask for one.  And do you know what this gem of a guy said when I opened it….he said, I thought you might like to add pictures to your website.  Awwwwwwwwwwwww.  He doesn’t even read the website.  He’s the most thoughtful guy in the world.  Sorry ladies.  I got one of the good ones.  Now.  You’re probably saying to yourself, ‘Self, if she got a camera for Christmas, why aren’t there any pictures for me to look at?’…..welllllllll……that would be because now we need a new computer to put the camera software on so I can use it.  Yes.  I don’t think the Hubby new that his saintly idea would become this expensive….but you know….we needed a new computer anyway.  And once we get one, and I figure out how to make it work, and how to get the pictures out of the camera, you will be totally blown away.  The Pumpkin has been posing for pictures all week while I blind her with the automatic flash and see how clearly her whiskers show up with the amazing zoom.  So the new and improved 2007 Amazing Adventures will soon be illustrated.  Because a picture is worth a thousand words.

Happy New Year to everybody!

Later gators,

Heather