For those of who only know Crockett and Tubbs as Colin Farrell and Jaime Fox in that awful awful movie....first of all, you're too young for me to be talking to you, and second of all....the original Crockett and Tubbs were much more entertaining.  Don Johnson in his pink t-shirt and white suit.  That is classic 80's TV people.  Classic.  Seacrest is introducing us to Miami in some ridiculous looking sunglasses.  Beautiful beaches and beautiful people.  The Hubby is samba-ing to Gloria Estefan.  And Simon thinks Paula looks slutty.  Oh good.  I can already tell this is gonna be a good night.

 

First up for the night is Shannon From the Meat Market.  She works at her parents meat market, and all I keep thinking about is So I Married an Axe Murderer.  Except Shannon looks more like Madchen Amik than Nancy Travis.  But she's probably a psycho anyway.  She decides to sing Crybaby by Janis Joplin.  Really?  Joplin?  It's very very....loud.  Everybody is kind of taken aback.  Simon says, I had a long night and I'm having a bad morning and you just made it worse.  Ouch.  She wants to sing something else....and everybody is like, please no.  Randy says, you might be tone deaf.  Poor psycho is devastated. 

 

Next up is Bobby or Robby or something like that.  Kind of a cool guy in a black ski cap.  Paula definitely likes him.  She doesn't even try to hide her drool anymore....must be the slutty dress she's wearing....I think the guy sounded ok.  Simon says yes and Paula is already making him mad by acting like a three year old.  Anyway, the guy gets his golden ticket and then goes outside to his crazy family.

 

The Hubby and I were kind of wondering why RobBob got through and then they show us some of the other guy contestants and then it is perfectly clear.  Male Miamians cannot sing.  At all.

 

Except of course for Ghaleb the Venezuelan.  He does live in Miami now, but he's not from Miami, so there may be hope for him.  I like the whole Antonio Banderas thing he has going on.  He's a musician and a singer and he has passion.  Me likey.  He sings Marc Antony.  And Simon goes, if I were drunk I would like you and then Paula goes, I like you.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  No, no...she really said your accent is kind of strong.  And Simon starts going yes or no, yes or no, yes or no and then Paula puts her hands over her ears and starts going nanananananananananana.  Like a three year old.  Clearly the drugs have not worn off since yesterday.  And Randy says, well I say yes so it's up to you.  And Paula....finally....says yes, I think probably just so she can hug Golum.  He's happy and now he's kissing everyone.  Woah there Golum, we're not friendly here the States.  If you want to fit in a little you have to start learning about personal space.  M'kay?

 

Britney and Coralisse are up next.  These ladies are large and likeable.  One likes 'em skinny and one likes 'em fat.  They are absolutely adorable and all smiles.  Even if they can't sing, I like them.  So Coralisse likes Randy and Britney likes Simon.  So after she makes Randy blush, she starts singing a little jazz number....and holy cow, as Randy would put it, this girl can blow.  Britney barely waits for Coralisse to be done before she starts singing My Guy to Simon....and if I thought Coralisse could sing....well then Britney can SING.  Holy moly.  Simon is clapping to her performance.  They were both really really good.  And they both get their golden tickets and then they run over and hug all the judges.  They just make you want to smile.  They are soooooooooooo full of energy and happiness.  Nice.  I like them. 

 

Cut to my Terps beating the snot out of the sucky Cavs.  Fear the Turtle.  I never mind watching college basketball during American Idol, we are taping AI after all and this is my team.  I love the Terps.  Gary Williams screaming at everyone during the entire game is probably the most entertainment I have ever gotten out of a sporting event.  We have fiery Vasquez, the Veteran Gist, Osby and the Hair, Hayes the Hobbit, and Bowie.  There's also Neal (the only other tall guy on the team) and Millborn who made some clutch rebounds last night.  I love this team.  They are young (experience-wise) but seeing how good they are together already....you just know they're going back to the NCAA championship level in no time.  No doubt in my mind.  And seriously....Fear the Turtle?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That's just hysterical.

 

So anyway, time for our sob story of the night.  She's single, she's very young, and she's a mother.  The "father" walked out on her.  Her name is Suzanne Toon.  I'm not kidding.  That's not a nickname.  That's her real name.  Miss Toon.  Nice.  She sings and she's amazing.  The judges think she has a seductive voice...Simon goes, you got prettier while you were singing.  So anyway, it's a yes.

 

Raimi from the Philippines is singing now.  She picks Aretha Franklin.  A lot of Aretha and a lot of Joplin tonight....where do these kids get these ideas?  Simon thinks she's a hotel singer.  Paula thinks he's crazy, but at this point, I think she's just disagreeing with him to be irritating.  Randy thinks she's cute because she's so short....huh?  Well....I mean....short people are clearly cuter than tall freaks of nature....but.....oh whatever.  She got her ticket.

 

Day 2 and right off the bat we get another sort of sob story.  This girl is absolutely adorable.  Her name is Sayisha or something like that.  Daddy just graduated from a rehab program and they get him on camera being quite emotional....and I don't know about you.....but Dads being emotional are the worst.  Dads who are not used to being emotional are for some reason waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more tear-jerkingly sincere than any other person on this planet.  Sayisha picks another Aretha Franklin song....which makes me nervous for her....I really want her to do well.  Randy says yes and Paula says yes and Simon keeps asking them if they're sure....and now he is obviously just doing that to be irritating.  She gets her ticket!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

 

Next up is Natasha with the Ponytail.  She's amazing too.  I'm sorry I can't remember more about her; the Hubby was distracting me with his explanation of when they shoot a one and one in basketball because I made the mistake of saying I didn't understand the rules.  Which I don't....you don't have to know the rules to like watching the sport.....right?  Obviously the Hubby thought that was completely ridiculous and just insisted on talking right over the show. 

 

Ilsi Pinot is singing next and I was distracted by her very cool name that I can't remember anything else.  She did sing very well.  Paula said yes before anyone asked her.  Simon liked her too, so I assume she's going to Hollywood.

 

More of the guys sucking.  Wow.  They are really bad here in Miami.  Nasally.  High pitched.  Fake ear pieces, which makes me crazy.

 

Then we get Julie.  Miss American Juniors.  She thinks she is awesome.  She is 16....which was pretty obvious right off the bat.  She is so ridiculously full of herself.  She picks Janis Joplin....which I just don't get....when did Joplin become 'pop'.  That's right, kiddies.  Never.  She sounds very flat to me.  Everyone says no, you are terrible.  And our over-confident precocious over-indulged annoying teenager refuses to accept this and just keep son singing....badly.  Simon says, you should be an actress.  And that makes a lot of sense, but our little princess is completely put out by this very unexpected turn of events.  And here comes that classic teenager attitude.  She mocks the judges, tells everyone not to watch the show, she's done with American Idol, in that very pouty, very whiny, very irritating way kids have about them.  Awesome.  I revel in your rejection Julie.  I want you to know that.  Revel in it.

 

I didn't even catch the name of the last contestant.  But I think he may be on some of Paula's painkillers.  He's in a white suit with a white ball cap and he slips and slides his way in to the audition room.  He does a little "comedy" routine which really wasn't funny at all.  He "sings" which really didn't sound like singing at all.  Simon calls him desperate and then he walks off.  He's tired and he's not gonna take it anymore.  Randy walks off right after him.  Where you go, I shall follow.  Paula is sitting there now, by herself, looking very perturbed and embarassed.  And this moron asks, well is it a yes or a no.  Come on, dude.  You should know the answer to that.  Paula says, thanks for coming by.

 

"Vice" is a practice or bad habit that is considerd immoral, depraved and/or degrading.  The best description, or modern use, is the word vicious, which means full of vice.  Vice is also a generic legal term for criminal offenses involving prostitution, lewdness, lasciviousness, and obscenity. Vice is the opposite of virtue.  Which makes it sooooooooooooooooo entertaining.

 

The DVR cut off before I got to see what's up next week....so I guess it's gonna be a surprise.

Later gators,

Heather

Seacrest opens the show tonight by explaining that the Mother Ship has landed in the middle of the county.  The corn capital of America.  I thought Indiana was the corn capital?  But we're in Omaha.  I know what you're thinking.  Why the hell are they in Omaha?  Good question.  Paula is MIA.  Simon is hitting on Randy, telling him one of 382 pairs of glasses are cool, and we get to see Simon in all his glory with that disgusting "here's my chest hair" v-neck sweater than he insists on wearing.  I know....some ladies like the chest hair.....but not me. 

 

First up tonight is Chris "I'm Gonna Be a Star on Broadway" Burntheisel.  He is wide-eyed, with a cheesy grin.  He calls this experience 'life alternating', which tells you a lot about this kid.  He has brought a big bag of gifts, which Simon pointedly refers to as bribes.  He gives Randy a Dawg stuffed animal, Simon a football (British soccer) jersey, and something else for Paula.  He's trying to explain why he's so happy to be here in that oddly fake, unabashedly gay, way that some people have.  It's kind of irritating....but only kind of.....he's singing 'Since You Been Gone'.  And he's jumping around the little stage and doing weird acrobatics....and poor Simon and Randy are like, um....no.  So this kid, bless his heart for trying, wants to audition for the red carpet interview job for the finale.  Like they're gonna let him do that.  But then Simon says yes.  Call the local Fox affiliate and tell them Simon said so....what?  Ok.  You know what, he may be on to something.  And this kid is ecstatic, he doesn't even care that he didn't get through on the singing.  He's so happy to be the red carpet interviewer.  Well good....at least he got something good out of it.

 

Jason is next.  He's a guitar-playing farmer guy and we all know how much I like farmers.  HAHAHAHA.  Nice tan arms.  Paula's gonna be sorry she missed this guy.  He tries to sing some Keith Whitley song, but he keeps forgetting the words.  Wow.  This is a really bad case of nerves.  Poor guy.  He forgets and forgets and forgets and keeps trying and apologizing and forgetting some more.  Finally Simon goes, ok, last chance.  And the kid pulls it off.  Randy likes his voice, Simon says ok, and you couldn't have written a better script for a TV movie if you tried.  If this kid makes it far....they'll show this scene again, guaranteed.

 

Now they're showing a montage of everybody forgetting the words to their songs.  Not the words to the song that AI producers make them sing like little dancing monkeys....no the words to the song they picked for themselves to audition to....totally pathetic.  But isn't there already another show on TV about this.  That writer's strike is killing me, people.  Just killing me.

 

Next up is the Arm Wrestler.  She's cute, but obviously thrilled that she can beat up on other girls because she keeps arm wrestling all the other contestants.  Then she wrestles Ryan, and despite the fact that this is an extremely stupid bit....we did get to see Ryan's arms.  Wowee.  So, the wrestler is singing Leann Womack, something country.  Randy thinks she is yodelling too much.  Paula is back and she is totally high.  I honestly have no idea if this girl is going to Hollywood because Paula was so distracting.  First, she wanted to arm wrestle the girl and then she goes, oh your skin is so beautiful.  Huh?  High as a kite.....but that should make the rest of the show very very interesting.

 

Up next another girl that likes to beat people up.  Sara the Gothic Professional Rastler.  She's all done up in the Brandon Lee Crow make-up.  She calls her Lady Morgue.  She is yelling and screaming at people in a totally un-entertaining way.  She beats up on Ryan though, which was kind of funny.  I have no idea what she is singing, maybe something from Broadway.  It's awful.  Simon says it sounds like the soundtrack to this town.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I think he meant that in a sarcastic way.  So she leaves and then Seacrest comes into the room and goes, what was wrong with her?  Simon says, get lost, this isn't your job.  And they go back and forth with their usual playful repartee.  So Simon suggests Ryan come in and judge the next contestant and let Paula do his job.  This should be good.

 

Paula is apparently too loaded to be able to speak to people, and she just kind of ushers the next girl in and goes, good luck.  Ryan is sitting there, staring, with his mouth hanging open like na idiot.  This poor girl.  Samantha.  She sings some Norah Jones and it is quite amazing.  Everybody clearly loves it, but there is chaos in the audition room as Ryan goes, well yeah and then Paula comes back in and yells at him and Simon goes, not as easy as you thought, huh.  Whatever.  It was cute and funny....but poor Samantha is clearly confused.  You're going to Hollywood sweetheart, I hope they're not as weird with you there....

 

Ryan leaves out the wrong door.  That was pretty hilarious.  You moron....there is a right door and a wrong door and you've been doing this too long.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

They show us a lot of Yeses then, which was weird, because they never do that.  Elizabeth Grapevine, Fantasia 2 and Mini-Tom Petty.  They are all through to Hollywood.

 

And finally it's time for our sob story of the night.  Angelica wants to make Daddy proud.  She moved out of the house on bad terms with him....but all she wants to do is make him proud.  And she's crying and it's sweet and now I care, so that sucks.  She picks Celine Dion, you know cause that's so easy to sing.  And it's really loud and pretty good.  She gets two yeses from Randy and the Druggie.  And she's crying the whole time the judges are talking to her, telling her not to be so nervous and stop trying to sound like other singers.  And then Ryan pulls a total Jerry Springer moment and calls Daddy on the phone to ask him if he's proud of his daughter for making it to Hollywood.  And honestly, the guy sounded nice to me.  I mean....where's the drama.  It was like talking to my dad.  That's great.  Good for you.  I'm so proud.  Blah blah blah.  No emotion, no 'I miss you', no nothing.  Ah well....it sounded like a good sob story at the beginning.

 

So now here's a flashback to my all-time favorite Idol - Mr. Chris Daughtry.  I'm drooling all over the couch while they explain how successful he is.  I have his album by the way, if anyone wants to borrow it.  And this leads us to this season rocker-hopeful - David.  He has red spiky hair, which is cool and he decides to sing Living On A Prayer.  Ok.  He's got a nice rock voice, I liked it....but not as good as Daughtry.  Nope.  Not as good.  Paula is all smiles though.  Simon says yes, Randy says work on your performance and try not be so boring and Paula goes, blubbery blubbery blubbery.  I have no idea what she was trying to say, but the kid is going to Hollywood. 

 

Jonny and the Jacket are singing now.  Before anything happens Paula hiccups or burps really loud and Simon goes, you disgusting little pig.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.  That was hysterical.  She is so wasted.  Jonny sings Shout, he thinks he's the next James Brown.  And it is so horrifically bad.  Simon says I hated everything about that.  Everybody else says no too....bye bye Jonny.

 

Now we finally get the song the producers picked for everyone to showcase how terrible they are - Stuck In the Middle.  Which....if anyone remembers.....is one of the songs from the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack.  If you haven't seen Reservoir Dogs, I highly recommend it.  It's a great great movie.  Quentin Tarantino before being Quentin Tarantino was cool.  The dialogue is amazing in that movie.  I don't like alarms, Mr. White.  Heehee.  So anyway, that's all I can think about while they're showing this montage.

 

Last up for Omaha is Leo Marlow the Homecoming Queen.  Momma always said she'd raise a homecoming queen, she just didn't think it'd be me.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.  This kid has a fabulous personality.  I can tell a lot of people like him.  He sings A Song For You, and he's got a nice voice.  Simon obviously likes him, his personality maybe just as much as his voice.  You know, as much as they like to say that these auditions are all about the voice....they're really not.  Simon says yes and Randy says yes and Paula goes - TOUCHDOWN.  She obviously thinks she is already performing at the Superbowl <shaking my head>.  Oh Paula.  Get some rehab.

 

19 winners form Omaha....which pretty much guarantees they'll be back here in the future.  Omaha?  Who'd of guessed it....tomorrow we're in Miami and hopefully Paula's bender won't be over.....she cracks me up.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

American Idol Through the Eyes of a Powerless Husband Held Captive by a Freakishly Obsessed Wife

 

This is my story.  We were happy once.  We watched basketball, hockey, Smallville, and the occasional Jeopardy.  And then six years ago, we saw a preview for a new show.  It looked kind of funny, a talent search, and I thought - eh, why not?  It'll get old eventually.  But six years later....we're still watching this drivel.  Now, don't get me wrong, Kelly Clarkson was and is an amazing singer.  But there was absolutely no one else on that first season who should have been there. 

 

It was easy at first.  We watched and commented and I cringed through the bad ones...and then my wife, my normally shy and softspoken wife, turned into this raving lunatic.  And then she decided to write about how she had turned into a raving lunatic and that's when my world started to unravel.  She makes me pause the TV so she can write down names of people and songs....like anyone cares about that.  And she makes me PAUSE the TV.  Seriously.  Pause.  The TV.  She writes....and writes.....and writes.  Pause.  Rewind.  And then she writes some more.  But thank God for the DVR.  It let's me fast forward through the commercials, and cuts down considerably on the torment.  <sigh>  Only 40 minutes to go....

 

The Wife has been talking about this for soooooooooooooo long that I actually know who all these people are....like they're part of my family.  The weird part.  The part we don't invite to parties.  Randy, Paula, and Simon.  And Ryan Seacest.  Wish I had his job....

 

So they're in South Carolina.  Why am I here?  On this couch?  Is this what my life has become?  I could be playing pool right now.  Or dodging traffic on the highway.  She must be special.  Love sucks.  And this song the crowd is singing in the beginning....just so you know.....was originally called "Let's Get Retarded."  Which is a much more appropriate title for these losers.  But apparently too politically incorrect for apple pie America.

 

So the first guy doesn't even get to audition.  He has to take his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth.  Hey man....it's all about them.  Don't fool yourself.

 

The next guy is called ReShard.  He's like a 1980's Michael Jackson.  Unemployed.  Surprise, surprise.  Total nut.  He calls himself the black Clay Aiken.  I want to cry.  He sings and he's on the floor....um.....why's he on the floor?  Randy says it was a little over the top, which I guess is his way of saying you're a moron.  Simon thinks it needed a magic trick in the middle.  He called it 1970's cruise ship cabaret.  Yeah....so he's going home.

 

Donna the Waitress is next.  She's from Kellie Pickler's hometown.  There's another one who I never got....at all.  Now she's on the floor too....what the hell is with the floor people?  I think we're ten seconds away from a flash with that shirt she almost has on.  Simon says it was a bit angry and she says it was an angry song.  Whatever.  Bye bye Donna.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

 

Crystal and Randy are up next.  An Internet Couple.  How creepy.  They keep kissing.....which is really making me want to change the channel.  They're singing some kind of duet and Randy doesn't know the words.  He's really terrible.  I can't even hear her, so I have no idea.  He gives advice in the American Idol chat rooms and Simon asks what kind of advice?  Ha, yeah....give yourself some and leave the singing to professionals.  Everybody hates them too.  I think Crystal might be a man.

 

Michelle and Jeffrey are up next.  The Klumps.  They say he's her little brother.  Little?  Are you crazy?  They sing another duet and this one sounds ok.  Randy likes the brother, but not the sister.  Paula likes them both.  And Simon says gives your sister some singing lessons because you're both coming to Hollywood.  Greeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat.

 

Lots more idiot losers who can't sing and then we're back to Preggers.  The guy is lost, can't find the hospital and apparently the camera guy with them is not interested in helping out.  Now everybody is singing the same song....I have no idea what it is....they're all terrible.  Time to fast forward.

 

Next up - she's a cheerleader.  She's 16.  I don't think I'm legally allowed to talk about this one.  What evs?  What the hell does that mean?  Speak ENGLISH!!!!  She must have said 'like' about 4 million times.  (&*%%#$@#W$EDFR*^T&*(%^$%#%!!!! When will this end!!!!!!!!!!  She sings a pretty song but Simon thinks she's annoying....probably because of that little speech she gave him about abstinence that was totally annoying.  Not as good as you think you are....no s**t.  Stay away from Ryan....HAHA.

 

Now the judges look like I feel.  Ready to beat themselves brutally about the head with a baseball bat.  Every single person in this entire town is incapable of getting out a single note in tune.

 

Next we have to sit through some pathetic sob story.  Her name is London.  What the hell kind of name is London?  Simon liked it....you know....,.because he's British.  Her dad died of cancer and life is short so why not make a fool out of myself on national TV.  She sings Billie Holliday and everybody seems to like her voice, but Simon thought she was boring.  I think she got a ticket....I'm not sure.....I'm starting to seriously zone out.

 

DAY TWO!!!  Do they always do two days of this crap?  Paula's got some stripper shoes on....nice.  

 

The first girl is a pilot in the Air Force.  Lindsey.  She sings Black Velvet.  Nice and loud.  Paula thinks she was too nervous.  Simon doesn't think she was contemporary.  It's a no.  Poor Lindsey, back to flying planes.

 

Aretha from Jamaica is up now.  Eh mon.  Jamaica is the poorest place to vacation.  If people aren't begging from you, they're trying to braid your hair.  Even my hair.  She's got huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge.....clothes.  I think Paula is a little intimidated.  She sings Whitney Houston and she's so loud, she's echoing.  Simon is arguing with her about how awful she was and she's like, no you're wrong.  I'm great.  Whatever honey.  No one likes you, you're pissing off the pissy Brit.  No respect.

 

Some kid names Joshua is "singing" now.  He is really really terrible and I really really want to leave the room.  How can she watch this?  He's practically having seizures while he sings.  Simon calls him rude and deluded.  Oh.......aren't they all?  He says the judges suck, but not the show.  I think you got that backwards buddy.  He gets an attitude and starts yelling as he walks right out of the building.  I hope you're at least embarrassed when you watch this back on TV, you idiot.

 

Lots more NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs.

 

And finally the proud poppa is back.  His name is Oliver.  That's kind of a dumb name.  That baby is tiny.  By the way....my niece is doing really well.  Thanks for asking.  He sings and it's not so good.  They all say no, but Ollie wants to show them the teeny tiny baby.  I think he should have done that in the beginning...he would have won over Paula at least.  Too bad for you Ollie. 

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're done.  And writing about it doesn't make it any less painful.  The Wife was totally wrong.  But don't tell her I told you that.  <wink>

 

Later,

The Hubby

Ok, tonight we're in San Diego.  Surf, sun and sand and a crowd of over 12,000 hopeful losers.  The show is only an hour long tonight, which makes the Hubby very very happy.  I'm feeling much better, health-wise, so I'm more than ready to see what the West Coast has to offer.  Seacrest is trying to get some more makeup on Simon....sheesh.....Let's get started.

 

First off tonight was Tatyana.  I have no idea if I spelled that right.  This girl is cute, blonde hair and American but for some reason I have my doubts about her.  My AI radar must be a little shaky though, because she belted her song pretty well.  She picked Someone To Watch Over Me.  Simon thinks she's not as good as she thinks she is....You're good, but not great.  Yeah, I can agree with that.  She says, let me prove you wrong.  HAHA, silly girl....Simon is never wrong.  But the lemmings like her, so she's off to Hollywood.

 

Next up is our first sob story of the night.  Perry is a single dad, 27, from Arizona.  His wife was killed or died because she was in "the wrong place at the wrong time."  His kid is absolutely adorable.  He sings some Boys 2 Men.  It sounds pretty fabulous to me.  Simon likes him.  Randy says, dude, yes.  Paula says something unimportant.  After they give him his golden ticket, his son walks in and continues to be adorable.  He says, what's up Randy.  Awwwwwwwwwwww.  That's gotta earn Perry a few sympathy votes right there.  Kids are always great manipulators....

 

Next we have a lovable Aussie.  For those of you who don't know, I'm quite partial to all things Australian, but especially to the cute Australian men with that soooooooooo cute accent.  I've got my fingers crossed for Michael.  He's singing I've Been Loving You Too Long.  Oh my.  Quite nice.  But then, I'm biased.  Simon calls him a white soul singer, chuckle.  He says it was a very good audition and the lemmings agree.  Michael is going to Hollywood.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

 

And now finally, we get some of the bad that San Diego has to offer.  Marat, the crooning Dilbert, Christopher Micthell made Randy laugh (but with two first names, how can you not?), and Tehilla (or something) the yodeller.  All predictably and wonderfully awful.

 

Now we have Valerie.  Who thinks she sounds like Mariah Carey.  <pause>  Which is never a good sign.  You know the good singers, never think they sound like anyone.  They just sing.  It's only the tone deaf morons who compare themselves to divas.  So she sings, and it's atrocious (British for very very bad).  Simon goes - Oh.  My.  God.  Heehee.  He says the only way you would sound like Mariah is if her CD was left out in the sun for a year.  HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.  Good one.  Randy says it was actually terrible.  I don't know what Paula said.  They all say no, and she walks out embarrassed especially after she realizes she's one of The Losers.  Nice going Valerie.  Thanks for the entertainment.

 

More of the bad - Sombrero Guy accompanied by a mime, who might have been a relative...not really sure.  Then we had Lobster Boy (literally dressed up in a lobster costume....I wonder where he got that?).  Anyhow, they were all terrible.

 

Now we are subjected to Christopher and Monique.  They both think they are fabulous....so I'm thinking they both must be deaf.....hey listen, if you can't sing and you like to sing....just find some deaf friends to appreciate your lack of talent.  That's good advice for everybody.  Monique auditions first and decides she should be able to sing some Whitney Houston.  Oh dear Jesus.  Cause that's not hard or anything....it's soooooooooooooooo bad.  Super bad.  And right on cue, she continues to sing over the protestations of the poor judges.  Simon says there is nothing wrong with walking out of here knowing you can't sing.  Huh.  That's a very logical, realistic way to look at it Simon.  But not to Monique.  She is devastated.  Now it's Christopher's turn.  He sings one of the worst songs of all time - Children Are Our Future, or whatever it's called.  I hate this song, so much.  And he makes me hate it more.  Simon says, not a single note in tune.  YOU SUCK!!  And just like his equally talentless counterpart, Christopher continues to sing, right over the judges, particularly Randy with the running commentary - Out of tune, key change, etc etc etc.  YOU SUCK!!  After Security walks towards him, he is finally persuaded to leave.  And the two Deaf Ones continue to sing outside so Seacrest can at least agree they suck.  They sing their farewells.....and I just have to shake my head....it must be nice where they live, whatever world that is, and I really hope they stay there.  Reality may be too much for their delicate egos to handle....

 

Now we get the hear how everybody loves Paula.  And Randy.  And Seacrest even.  But especially Simon.  Well, naturally.  Brits follow very close to Aussies in my book (it's that accent thing), so I can completely understand.

 

Last up for Day One is Samantha, another Simon fan.  She's there with her sister and outside the audition room, they are making Seacrest sick to his stomach talking about the lovable limey.  Her sister squeezes her way into the audition, and ends up sitting on Simon's lap during the singing part.  Simon is clearly loving this, while Randy and Paula try to stifle their gag reflexes on the other end of the table.  Samantha picks Aretha Franklin..........cause that's not hard to do or anything....and I'm worried for her.  But holy cow, she can sing.  Simon asks her sister how she thinks she did, and her sister goes, she was ok.  (!?!?!?!)  Randy says he was impressed.  Paula says something and Simon goes, congratulations, it's four yeses.  The two get to hug Simon goodbye and he is practically glowing from the adoration.  How cute.

 

Day two starts off with the compulsive auditioner - Blake Boshnick.  Nice name.  Blake has auditioned 11 other times.  What?!?!?  ELEVEN times?!?!?!  Let me ask you something, gentle reader, when would YOU stop deluding yourself?  Blake's mom loves the whole American Idol audition process, clearly unconcerned with her son's continued failure.  What a nut.  After Simon reads that he showed up in a Statue of Liberty costume before, he calls him an idiot before the guy gets to even sing.  Not a good sign, Blake.  He does finally sing, and it's a but out of tune.  No one likes him, but they are relatively respectful.  How can you be mean to someone who clearly doesn't take a hint?  Keep on trying Blake.  Maybe someday you'll show up and Paula, Randy and Simon will be in some kind of catatonic trance and just give you a ticket.

 

Then we get to see lots more No's.

 

And now it's time for Alberto, the Fan.  He's high on something, I'm pretty sure.  Probably anti-depressants.  I'm not trivializing the serious nature of depression, people....but come on....he's got Freddy Kreuger nails, which is grosser than gross on a guy and he's carrying around this ridiculously large accordian-fold fan.  Which is kind of funny....or might be.....if this guy wasn't so obviously insane.  The Hubby is now asking me why I hate him so much....mistaking my willingness to subject him to this show for some kind of sadistic torture.  Alberto has his own song to sing.  And Simon keeps stopping him, saying it's too depressing.  You're bringing them all down, man.  It was the most depressing song ever, very gloomy.  Randy says no, Paula says no and then Alberto gives her one of his fans (the one with her name on it) and as he's walking out of the room...Simon starts going.....where's my fan?  HAHAHAHAHA, like a three year old....he just keeps saying it....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Where's my fan?

 

More of the bad.

 

And now it's time for another sob story.  David had vocal paralysis a few years ago, and now has recovered.  He loves to sing...but I have my doubts.  His voice sounds raspy and tired, but he's really excited to have this chance.  He sings Waiting on the World to Change.  Great song.  His voice still sounds a little weak at first, but nice.  And then it gets stronger.  And better.  And now he sounds great.  Randy liked it and says for the hundred millionth time, yes, a hundred million percent yes.  Exactly how much is a hundred million percent, Randy?  Simon says, what about you Pauler (British for Paula) and she says she liked his tone.  And then she says, she just wants to squish him and Simon goes well, that's a no.  But it's two yeses from us, you're through to Hollywood.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

It's the end of the day and we have one singer left.  Irish Carly has auditioned before and made it, but there was a problem with her visa and she wasn't allowed to go to Hollywood.  Apparently that was very devastating for her....I don't remember this girl, but the flashbacks of her last audition show that she was pretty good.  She sings I'm Every Woman.  She has a very strong voice, but the nerves show through a little.  Simon says, your last audition was better.  Pauler tsks him and says it was wonderful.  Randy says, you can blow (which always sounds weirdly obscene to me) and Simon congratulates her.  She is thrilled and crying and her tattooed boyfriend gives her a big hug. 

 

30 people got through in San Diego, wow that's a lot!!  Tomorrow the show moves on to South Carolina....where everybody sucks.  HAHAHAHHAHAHA. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

So I'm not feeling that much better.  My health is still too gross to talk about, so let's move on to the show.  Tonight, we're in Dallas which immediately prompted a looooooooooooong tirade from the Hubby who hates everything Texas.  As usual, the cattle call for auditions has brought out all the crazies.  Kelly Clarkson is from Texas, which of course gets our hopes up for a repeat performance.  Seacrest is looks likes he's trying way too hard with his green t-shirt and black hoodie.  That's ok Ryan, I wish I was younger too.  Paula is running late.  Everything is bigger in Texas.  Blah blah blah, on to Contestant #1.

 

First up - she's 24, she has two kids, she's a recovering meth addict.  Good Lord!  How can someone be so young and have lived so much already?  Her whole family is there, and they support her, which I have a feeling is the only reason she is alive right now....Anyway, N.A. is singing "I'll Stand By You" (The Pretenders).  It sounds pretty good.  And she's off to Hollywood.

 

Next we have Paul, who is a ballpark attendant.  Which means he mows the grass.  Paul shows off his dance skills to Ryan.  Looks like he could be a Finance guy....Paul is also a member of the American Rollercoaster Enthusiasts club.  Which I did not know existed before today.  That's kind of really not interesting at all....is it?  Hmmm....I think he's way too dorky.  He's singing something by Eliot Yamin (you remember Dumbo Ears, don't you?) and it's awful.  So naturally, Paula calls it 'joyful'.  Simon has the Look on his face and asked if Paul bothered to sing this in front of anyone before he auditioned.  Then he said it was very enthusiastic, before he sent Paul packing.

 

Next up is Beth, who apparently sounds like Miss Kelly Clarkson according to all her apparently tone deaf friends and family.  Not even close.  She sounds shrill.  This girl used to be a singing waitress, and so Simon asks - what were your tips like?  Poor girl.  My family better tell me I suck at something before I go and make a fool out of myself like this.  Much to my relief, the Hubby has already offered to shoot down my dream of turning into the next Missy Elliott. 

 

After the shrieking/singing waitress, we get our first slew of completely talentless, atrocious, awful contestants.  "Atrocious" is Simon's word, obviously no American would ever use that word...

 

After that mini-nightmare the next girl up is a breath of fresh air.  She looks like Carrie Underwood, but she thinks Carrie Underwood looks like her.  How cute, in that kind of delusional way.  The judges let her sing practically the whole song....filling their ears with the blessed reprieve of talent.  They gave her some real advice, which I forget what it was....after she gets her golden ticket and goes outside....the camera guy catches Seacrest looking her up and down.  That green t-shirt's not the chick magnet you were hoping it would be, huh Seacrest?

 

Then we get the brother/sister opera act or whatever they were singing.  I couldn't understand it at all because they were singing at the same time, but totally different things....which was really annoying.

 

Next up is Bruce.  Who should be introduced to Snow White from yesterday, except of course she already has a boyfriend or husband or whatever.  Apparently Bruce promised his dad (when he was 11 or 13 or something) that he wouldn't screw around with any girls until he was married.  And apparently 'screwing around' includes kissing.  Wow.  I bet he's got one powerful handshake....he's even got this little pendant of a key and a heart.  Which was really sweet, in a cheesy kind of way.  He tells the judges he's going to sing Ain't No Sunshine.  Tell me something....how can you possibly sing any R&B when you've never even kissed a girl?  That seems very absurd.  So Bruce just doesn't have enough of that je ne sais quoi....and the judges send him out to all his female friends for the ever-satisfying hug. 

 

Now we get to hear Pia.  Cool name.  Interestingly enough PIA is the airport code for Peoria International Airport.  Who knew Peoria had anything international...so anyway, Pia is very cool.  She's a good singer, picked some Gladys Knight.  Simon called her interesting, confident and stylish, and said yes to Hollywood and of course the other lemmings agreed.

 

Now we have to suffer through some kid called Brendan.  Brendan felt it necessray to share with the whole world that he collects fingernails he has peeled off his own hands.  As a matter of fact, he carries around a bag of them that he has been saving for like seven years....as a good luck charm.  The Hubby looked at me like he wanted to toss the TV right out the window after we heard this explanation.  Poor Seacrest looked visibly ill when Brendan pulled the bag o' nails out of his back pocket.  I'm kind of nauseous too...but that may be my own sickness, and have nothing to do with good old Brendan.  So anyway, Trent Reznor goes in to audition and of course has to explain to the judges about the nail thing.  He's singing Rich Girl, and Simon calls him forgettable....are you kidding me Simon?  I'm going to have nightmares about big piles of peeled off fingernails now....Paula says, I like you and Simon goes, you would.  Heehee.  Randy is sooooooooooo annoyed that this kid thinks Simon is the Speaker of Truth, that he almost showed some ego and said no....almost, but not quite.  Brendan and his nails are off to Hollywood.

 

Now it's time for our first sob story of the night.  Kayla has 8 horses and two kids and one eye, thanks to a horrific car accident she suffered when she was a teenager.  She's a little hysterical, hyperventilating in the audition room and all.  As a matter of fact, she reminds me of Amanda Plummer in that Mike Myers movie - So I Married an Axe Murderer.  She has a loud voice, but it sounds totally off to me.  I think she might hurt herself with how loud she's singing.  Simon says he wishes he could be her for like an hour a day.  No kidding, she's like a crack addict with that nervous energy...Paula says no.  And Simon goes, oh come on.  Huh?  Simon likes her, and Randy apparently likes her.  And she's going to Hollywood.  Was this charity?  I don't mean to be cruel....I feel bad about the eye and all, she has a great attitude and all, but seriously.  She couldn't sing!

 

Now a lot more of the Bad Ones.  You know it's bad when you can't even understand what they're trying to sing.  Why can't these people hear themselves? 

 

Katie Malloy is up next and she does vocal impressions.  Ok.  She did Britney (only a vocal impression people, don't get excited) and it was pretty good.  Ater she got out of her impression mode, she sang Unchained Melody (one of my favorites, in case I haven't mentioned that before) and it was beautiful.  Simon thinks she's the best so far.  He has a feeling about her.  So needless to say, she is on her way to Hollywood.

 

Time for Day TWO

First up is Douglas.  Contestant #13839.  He doesn't want to shout too loud before the audition, because he's afraid he's going to do permanent damage to his vocal chords.  Oh dear Jesus.  It's one of those people.  He gets into the audition room and things just go from bad to worse very quickly.  First, he tries to "warm up" his voice, which sounds ridiculous.  And then he decides to sing Bon Jovi 'Living on a Prayer'.  Paula looks great today, by the way.  She has the prettiest hair.  Anyway, after Douglas 13839 finally stops singing, Simon goes 'What the bloody hell was that?'  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I agree.  This guy is sweating like a pig, now Simon is yelling at him, he's pacing around the room, and he won't stop singing.  STOP SINGING YOU FREAK!!!  So security escorts him out.  <shaking my head>  Something seriously not right with that guy....

 

Angela is up next.  Her husband is a model and they just recently got married.  Apparently, he helped her get ready for her audition.  Paula says, well bring him in.  Yeah!!!  Bring in the model!!!  He's hot.  That's good.  So Angela sings, and it's soooooooooo bad.  Simon says, how does the saying go?  Love is deaf?  HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.  Then he starts yelling at Chad, the model husband.  What were you thinking?!?  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, Randy calls it bad karaoke.  Angela and the Model leave and Simon says, wow, he really loves her....no kidding.  Bye bye Angela.  Oh honey, don't be sad. Just look at that gorgeous man you married....

 

Kyle is up next and he is such a nerd.  Please, oh please don't let him be an accounting major.  He's not, well not really - International Business and Political Science.  He's "campaigning" to be the next American Idol.  This is stupid.  I mean really stupid.  He sings Somebody to Love by Queen.  This is definitely not a Clay Aiken moment....but hold on....Simon has a Look.  And it's the good Look, not the bad Look.  He says yes.  What, huh?  Randy calls it Glee Club, academic, and says no.  And Paula says yes, after lots of convincing.  That was so weird.

 

Next we have the Walking Dead.  This girl seriously had less than zero emotion.  Her name is Tammy.......and she speaks.............very....................................................................deliberately.  Which is really annoying, by the way.  She decides to go with something relatively low key and easy and picks Celine Dion.  It's so bad.  I mean really really bad.  Randy says it was awful.  But they called her sweet (???) which I guess is the new nice way of saying you suck. 

 

Colton Swon is next.  Is there anyplace other than Texas you're gonna find a kid named Colton?  Good Lord.  He plays the gitar and has ridiculous hair.  Heehee.  So he sings Boondocks.  Paula liked it, naturally.  Simon says ok, and Randy says I like you, yeah....so it's off to Hollywood.  By the way, did Seacrest dye his hair?  It looks kind of weird tonight...

 

Next up is the cross-dressing montage.  I have no comment about any of this.  <shaking me head>

 

After that, we have Drew The Dallas Cowboy.  Oh come on....you knew they'd find at least one.  He's totally adorable with that accent.  Sitting on his tractor, toothpick in his mouth like a real farmer.  <sigh>  Farming is in his blood.  And he's never been on an airplane before.  Wow.  He sings some George Strait, and holy bajeebers, the county twang that came out of this guy's mouth was brilliant.  AI has been kind to country recently, so I think he has a good chance of going far in this competition.  Simon immediately says no, not his thing.  Randy says yes, and Paula at first says no....what?.....and then after he works his southern charm on her (i.e., calls her ma'am), she changes her mind and says yes.  The Cowboy is going to California.

 

Rocker Kyle is up next.  I don't understand this kid at all.  He thinks he's a punk rocker.  HAHAHAHAHA.....um.....what?  Not even close sweetheart.  "Guyliner" doesn't make you punk.  The fake mic you're holding and the crazy eye stare you've obviously been working on don't make you punk either.  Simon called it scary, demonic and intense...in a bad way.  Randy and Paula say no too, you were too scary.  I'll send you my Fugazi album, kid, so you know what real punk sounds like.  <sheesh>

 

Next we have the Kelly Clarkson montage.  All the Bad Ones try to sing like Kelly and the Hubby is completely whining over on his couch....wondering if now they would just play some of Kelly actually singing.  According to the Hubby, she was the only one on this show that could actually sing.  Well, her album sales certainly prove that....

 

Nina is up next, Nina with the mile-long legs.  Randy is immediately on high alert.  She's from the same town as Kelly, so now we get to find out if there's anything in the water down there.  Simon called her performance Cabaret.  Paula called it pageant.  Randy liked her le- oh, I mean her voice.  So Paula agrees with Randy and Simon is annoyed that they seem to be in league with each other. 

 

Renaldo is our final contestant of the night.  He looks like Scotty Nguyen (professional poker player).  He's all pimped out in his white suit and feather hat and silver cape.  He LOVES Simon and goes on and on about him.  He is singing his original composition - "Brothers Forever".  He sings really loud and it's really awful and the judges are apparently completely delirious and Paula and Randy decide to make fun of Simon by getting way too involved in the song.  They are dancing and singing, and Randy gets Seacrest and they let Renaldo serenade Simon and Paula does  a little dance on the main audition stage and everything is completely out of control.  Everyone, of course says no, but in a nice way.  And Renaldo, bless his foreign accent, is just thrilled to have gotten the chance to meet and sing for the Mighty Cowell.  He's sooooooooooo happy, you don't really feel sorry for him.

 

So, that's all for Dallas.  Next week we're in San Diego.

Later gators,

Heather

 

I think you should all know before I start that I am quite ill right now.  Sick to my stomach, literally.  I could go into all the nasty details about snot and whatnot....but I don't think I will.  I am sick.  And I am hopped up on cold medicine.  So things may seem funny to me right now that won't seem funny to you.  So sorry....but not really....for any of that in advance.

 

You may think after reading this description of my health at present that I may have been in bed early last night, enjoying some therapeutic and restorative sleep.  Of course not.  You may think after reading last season's blog that I wasn't going to be watching any more, period.  Of course not.  Thanks to the Fox brainwashing I am wide awake at 7:58, cocooned in blankets with the remote in one hand and a box of Kleenux in the other.  It's January 15, 2008.  "It starting!!  It's starting!!"  I scream giddily at the Hubby who is sitting not two feet away from me on the other couch with a look of pure torture on his face.  Season Seven has begun.

 

It's a two hour show and tonight we're in Philadelphia.  The City of Scary Freaky Creepy People.  Oh....oh I mean, Brotherly Love.  There is a HUGE, I mean HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE crowd waiting to audition.  And in case you were wondering, no the judges do not listen to all of these people.  They are screened first.  Only the best and the worst get to sing in front of the TV judges.  Speaking of judges....here they are!!  Randy with some weird looking sideburns.  Paula, clearly high on painkillers.  And Simon, so in love with himself it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks...<smile>  Hi guys!!  It's been so long.  Good to see you.  Oh yeah, you too Seacrest.  The Hubby is already grumbling about this show getting great ratings this season because nothing else is on.  And I am trying my best to ignore him, as usual, while we get to meet our first contestant.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen.  Meet the Biggest Loser.  I have no idea what his name is.  He's lost like a million pounds.  And I have no idea what he's singing, his weird Drew Carrey glasses keep distracting me.  It's a pretty song, but he's no Timberlake.  Randy says he's "quite excellent".  And guess what, everybody else thinks so too.  He asks if he can shake their hands, you know because the crazies aren't allowed to get close to the table.  And as he's leaving the room, Simon goes "Put some weight on, will ya."  AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  So he is still evil incarnate spawned from hell with no soul.  Excellent <evil wringng of my hands>.  That was exactly what I was hoping for....

 

Contestant two on American Idol is not even American.  Cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Egypt.  He even looks like Sacha Baren Cohen.  Nobody can say his name.  Nobody can even say his nickname.  And of course he's terrible.  Simon makes Paula break the bad news to what's-his-name.  And of course she stutters and splutters all over herself.  After they finally tell him he sucks, and the poor loser walks out, Simon turns to Paula and goes, "You shattered his dreams."  <chuckle>

 

Our first back-up singer contestant.  She sang for Taylor Hicks (who won Season 5, in case you forgot) and she was ok.  Simon says whatever.  Randy and Paula say yes.

 

And now it's time for the tour guide.  He's tall.  He really can't sing.  But that's not what makes this so painful to hear.  I can't understand a word he's saying, he singing way too low.  But that's not what makes this so awful.  Apparently....his coworkers put him up to this by telling him he was good.  His evil evil coworkers must really hate this guy.  MY coworkers, on the other hand, would never even consi - oh....oh wait, they probably would.  Nevermind.  Randy and Paula can't stop laughing.  At least Simon can keep a straight face.  Which brings up the age old question - Which is worse?  Laughing during an audition or saying cruel, heartless things afterwards?  I say laughing.  But that's because I like Simon the most.  So obviously it's a no, and this poor idiot looks so confused by the whole scene.  <sigh>  Find a better job, buddy.

 

The next moron is singing Unchained Melody, one of my all-time favorite songs.  And it's so awful I want to reach through the TV screen and smack him upside the head.  I'm not usually this violent....maybe it's the cough drops.  Simon is getting bleeped, so you know he doesn't like it. They tell the guy he's awful, babye!

 

Next we have a native Marylander, from Bowie no less.  His name is Junot, pronounced "You know", and I always root for the locals so I am hoping he is good.  And he was.  <whew>  What a relief.  Represent!!  HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA...ok.....now I'm getting a little delirious.

 

And now we have our Spanish singing American Idol contestant.  Why not, right?  At least he's a good singer.  So he gets his golden ticket.

 

Next we have 8-foot tall Paul Bunyan from the deep south.  American Idol has been kind to country singers lately, and Paul is no exception.  He's going through to Hollywood.

 

And now it's time for the first sob story of the night.  This was maybe one of the weirder stories on AI.  This girl is a linebacker at her high school, which doesn't surprise me based on her physique.  She wants to do well for her sick momma.  This is so pathetic and I hate it, absolutely hate it, when they try to make us feel sorry for these people.  She tells her story to the judges, and Randy goes "That's cool."  heh?  What are you hearing Randy?  And she sings and she's just awful.  I mean, not a little off or good but not good enough for the show.  She is awwwwwwwwwful.  And Simon actually does try to be nice about it.  He says, you're a sweet girl but no.  And then she starts crying.  And I really can't stand this.  Her face gets all crinkly and Paula jumps up to hug her.  So does Randy.  But not Simon, no Simon breaks up the hug-fest to escort our little linebacker right out the door.  But in a nice way...

 

Next we get a guy who calls himself a Finance guy, but sounds more like a loan officer at a car dealership to me.  He thinks he's funny.  <sigh>  And this is why accountants get such a bad rap.  This guy with his MC Hammer dance.  He has another weird name - Oody or Oogy or something.  He thinks he sounds like Sinatra or Mannilow.  Aaaaaaaand he is predictably terrible.  He sang like one note the entire song.  Simon rips him to shreds and then the guy goes, I like constructive criticism.  Now.  If he was being sarcastic, that's brilliant.  But I don't think he was.  Simon says, keep your batteries in your calculator.  Ouch.  But that would make a good t-shirt for my coworkers.  <smile>

 

And now it's bad singer montage time.  You know what I'm talking about.  They get all the morons to sing one particular song that they probably don't know the words to for their chance to get on TV and make a jackass out of themselves.  Today it was to the soundtrack of "I love rock and roll".  The Hubby is whining and moaning and getting dangerously close to the remote. 

 

Our next contestant Seacrest calls Philly's Scariest Woman.  I highly doubt that Seacrest.  But we'll see.  Her name is Alexis and she's straight out of the 70's.  Glitter eye shadow, bangle earrings.  But in a freaky way, not a cute way.  She's got that two-pack-a-day rabbly voice.  She's an artist and an animal lover.  And she can't speak very coherently.  For example, she says she's going to knock the judges on their feet.  And that she can do this without us, when that is not what she meant.  But hey, everybody gets nervous right.  I would be a blubbering mess if I was on this show...so I'm still giving her a chance.  She thinks she sounds like Janis Joplin or Pat Benatar.  Nope.  Not even a tiny little bit.  She was just really loud.  Simon thinks she's possessed.  And they all say no, and she's pretty cool about it until she gets out into the hall and then poor Seacrest has to listen to her ranting about crazy stuff.  Flash back in to the judges and Simon says she reminded him of Willem Dafoe, the Green Goblin in Spiderman.  Oh dear.  He's pretty close on that one.  She says, I'll leave with my dignity and she sooooooooooooooooo doesn't.

 

Our last contestant of day one is 26, she has a little baby who developed a cerebral palsy like syndrome after she was born.  Another sob story.  But this one is a better one that the last one for some reason, not so pathetic, but oh dear Jesus please let her be good.  Her whole family is there supporting her and they're all crying and now I'm getting emotional.  PLEASE let her be good.  She says she doesn't want fame, she wants to do well so she can support her daughter.  <sigh> PAAAAAALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE let her be good!!!  And she was.  Thankyouthankyouthankyou.  Simon had some legitimate advice for her, stop sounding like you're still the wedding singer.  He always gives real advice to people he wants to do well.

 

So now we're on to day two and the Hubby looks at me bewildered, with panic in his eyes, this is on for another hour?!?!  Of course, it's the season premiere.  Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.  Needless to say he wasn't very happy about that. 

 

The first girl on Day Two is a screamer.  She woke everyone up.  Simon says she reminds him of a nightmare he had before this season started.  <giggle>  Oh Simon.

 

Milo the Social Worker is up next.  Milo the way to old, creepy glasses and animal print vest, singing Sesame Street songs about never having sex Social Worker is up next.  It was all too weird to talk about.  Simon was annoyed that the guy got his air time.  But mission accomplished.  Kids will definitely stop havng sex after hearing that song....<shaking my head>....

 

Christy Lee Cook is up next.  She is our all-American girl.  She rides horse.  She cage fights.  She's blonde and pretty.  She sings Amazing Grace and she's very good.  And now the Hubby has a reason to watch.  <smile>  I think it was Simon asking her if cage fighting meant jello wrestling.  I think that's what got his attention....but I can't be sure....so anyway, she's going to Hollywood.

 

Now we have some guy dressed up like Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi.  I am sick to my stomach these Star Wars losers are making themselves look like total idiots on the show.  <sigh>  Now, I'll never be able to put my hair up in those ear muff buns for work....so anyway, the guy is totaly gross and has a hairy chest and Paula says, you need to wax your chest before you can audition.  It's too distracting....Paula is so evil.  So the guy leaves to do this....and thinks he still has a shot.  <sigh>

 

Next we have Psycho Killer.  There's one in every city and they look just like everyone else.  Until they get into the audition room and give Paula the creepy I'm going to kill you and wear your skin stare.  This guy sang a song about a stalker...and kudoz to him, he came up with about 12 different words that rhyme with stalker.  If you were watching close, as the killer guy is stealthily approaching the judge's table, Simon is putting his hand on Paula's chair ready to push her out of the way if the guy lunges at her.  That was sweet.  So anyway, Security escorts him out and Paula gets the producers to run get her another restraining order. 

 

The next blonde beauty singing for us is a Sunday school teacher.  Well, not really, she sings Sunday school songs for her little girl.  She looks like Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks, whoever that actress was.  She sings Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.  I think it is very pretty.  Simon says no, there is nothing unique about you.  Randy and Paula say yes.   So she gets her golden ticket.

 

The Star Wars loser is back sans the chest hair, and why Fox thought we wanted to see the whole waxing scene is beyond me....I mean Steve Carrell was at least funny about it, and now he wants to sing Doncha.  He gets like one syllable out and Simon cuts him off, says get out, and starts chiding Paula about what was she thinking letting this guy come back?  Heehee.  It's only Day 2, Simon, it's going to get so much worse. 

 

And now we get to meet Paula's new Boy Toy.  She's totally drooling all over herself.  He actually is quite beautiful.  And that is the exact word you should use for this guy.  He's got one of those weird, slightly feminine, beautiful faces.  He's from Dover and he's a good singer and he's quite easy on the eyes.  Simon thinks he looks and acts like a star already.  Paula just blubbers on about something.  And oh yeah, Randy says yes too.  See ya in Hollywood.

 

Then we get to see a whole bunch more of those awful contestants.  As you all are well aware of, the Hubby cannot stand it when people make asses out of themselves, which is why he hates this show so much.  So he is wriggling around in his seat, very very uncomfortable with all this.  But it's not quite over yet....

 

Here's another Star Wars loser.  I am so annoyed.  Darth Heather would boink this idiot over the head with her fake light saber if she was in the same room, or convention, with this loser.  Her Princess Leia ear muff buns aren't even real!!!!  I am offended by this.  She's keeps saying DUHHH too, which is really annoying.  She sings Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me, and it sounds like a cat being strangled.  Or nails down a chalkboard.  It's awful.  Simon says give my love to the wookie, as she's walking out the door.  And then she starts complaining vociferously about how AI picks contestants who look all the same, and the girls wear make-up and get all dressed up and look all the same.  And yes, she repeated herself about four million times....and yes, I am ashamed to call myself a Star Wars fan now thanks to the losers in Philadelphia.

 

Last contestant of the night is Brooke White.  Who is pure as the driven snow....apparently doesn't watch R-rated movies (?!?!?!eh?!?!?), doesn't drink, doesn't smoke.  I'm quite surprised she hasn't keeled over dead from boredom actually.  After the boys make a lot of jokes about her husband not watching R-rated movies either, she sings.....and they are all mesmerized.  She has a beautiful voice.  Randy likes the Pure thing she has going on, Simon says she is sincere.  And then he says, maybe we can lure you over to the dark side.  <chuckle>  Nice.  The Dark Side.  We have cookies here.  And all the good movies.  And hangovers and smoky hazy bars.  You'll love it.  And then just to top it all off....she tries to get out of the room by pushing the wrong door.  OTHER DOOR, the judges yell at her.  And now I know, we're back and I'm back and the show is back.  For good.

 

Tomorrow we're in Dallas, consoling Tony Romo.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Later gators,

Heather