Tonight is the bonus night of American Idol coverage.  Two cities in one hour.  New York and Puerto Rico.  Ok….here’s what this really means.  Not enough interesting or talented people in either one of these cities to drag the show out another week, so they scrunch it up into one show and tack it onto the end of this week.  The Hubby is so annoyed by this he is boycotting the TV.  He is on the computer playing some Facebook game called Mafia Wars.  He has been playing this game nonstop for a while.  He informed me, before leaving the TV viewing area of the house, that you can put hits out on people in this game.  Then he asked me for my logon id and password for Facebook.  <pause>  In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have given that to him….huh.

 

So the judges arrive by helicopter….in fancy schmancy style. 

 

First up in New York, from the Bronx is Adeola.  She thinks she sounds like Mariah Carey and Mary J. Blige….which is really interesting to me since those women don’t sound a whole lot alike.  And anyone who thinks they sound like Mariah Carey….clearly doesn’t.  She sings some Jennifer Hudson song…..and surprise surprise.  It’s awful.  Screechy.  Simon says, shockingly bad.  Hehehehehe.  And since this deluded girl actually quit her job before coming to audition, Simon offers to call her boss to get her job back.  And then he actually does…..wow.  I think he’s getting nicer in his old age.

 

Next is Jorge Nunez in Puerto Rico.  He sings with his heart.  He sings My Way, but it’s in Spanish and I don’t understand any of it.  But.  He did sound good.  Then he sang in English and Paula goes, well, there were some definite pronunciation problems.  Hehehehehehe.  Simon said, we wouldn’t have come here if we didn’t want someone with an accent.  We would have gone to Omaha.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  So he gets 4 yeses.

 

Then we get to hear Jessica who is 20 who is also auditioning in Puerto Rico.  Jessica won a contest to go audition.  She got to bring her family and all her friends.  Jessica wins lots of contests.  Jessica thinks winning these contests means she’s talented.  Oh dear.  I can feel the crashing waves of reality getting dangerously close to Jessica now.  She sings Celine Dion….because that’s so easy.  Hahahahahaha.  Simon doesn’t like her at all.  And she is scary loud when she sings.  Simon goes, honestly….this is ridiculous.  Then….this must have worked in those contests, she starts jumping up and down like a three year old.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  You idiot.  Simon goes, I can swim but that doesn’t mean I’m going to win 10 Olympic medals.  I wonder how many times he said that to different people auditioning…..it was pretty funny.  A big NO for Jessica.  But at least you got a free trip out of it.

 

Then we get to see all the losers and their words of encouragement.  I’m not giving up.  They made a huge mistake.  They don’t like good singers.  Hehehehehe.  That’s awesome.  These people should be committed.  How sad.

 

Melinda is next.  Melinda is a very pretty black woman, with a shaved head.  Melinda likes to dance naked.  <chuckle>  Ok.  She wants to uplift humanity.  Me too sweetheart.  Simon says she looks fresh.  She sings Feeling Good.  Simon says, you’re a happy little thing, aren’t you?  Yes.  Yes, she is.  I blame drugs.  She has a huge smile…that is kind of contagious.  Randy thinks she has a nice voice.  Kara called her a vitamin boost.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Everybody agrees and B12 gets her golden ticket.

 

Jackie the Guitar Playing Rocker is next.  She sings I’m Yours.  Her face looks really weird when she sings…..like she’s in a slasher flick or something.  Kind of scary.  Paula called her unpredictable.  Which is neither good or bad when you really think about it.  Randy says you have a nice husky voice.  Then the window falls down.  Ok.  If you saw any of the 5 million promos for this show, you knew this was going to happen like 12 days ago.  The screen that dulls the glare from the sun is actually what fell.  Simon tried to pretend like nothing happened….which was even more funny.  Nobody was crushed into oblivion though, which is what they tried to make it look like on the promo.  <sigh>  Oh, and Jackie got four yeses.

 

Then we get to see lots of bad singers.  And lots more bad singers.  And then all the bad outfits.

 

First up in the Bad Outfit line-up is some guy who calls himself the Crazy Rocker in Puerto Rico.  He shows up in an huge iPod cutout.  He’s got the crazy eyes.  Stuff like this never works to get you in the actual contest, but it works a lot to get people on TV.  Simon hated everything.  He said it was all excruciatingly bad.  And the guy goes nuts….not like angry nuts….like psycho nuts…..he runs out of the room screaming I GOT A NO!!!  Like it’s a good thing.  I guess it’s all in how you look at it.  That guy was really annoying though….

 

Next is Norman Gentle.  That name freaks me out.  Norman?  Really?  Who names their kid Norman?  Awful name.  Norm from Cheers is the only exception.  But he was fat and lovable.  Norman Gentle looks like Dwight Schrute.  Kind of crazy.  He says he’s very nervous.  Simon is rolling his eyes as the guy walks in the room because Norman is clearly trying to do a comedy bit for the judges.  He sings I Am Telling You.  And now Simon is really pissed.  He doesn’t want Norman to waste their time.  He says sing something without being funny.  Please don’t be funny.  So Dwight sings Amazing Grace and Simon keeps yelling at him to not be funny.  And Dwight got through about 3 lines of the song before he broke out in his routine again.  Simon is like, you’re just not capable of not doing that, are you?  Categorical no, from Simon.  Then Paula goes, I thought you were great, yes.  What, huh?  Maybe that window fell on her head.  Then Kara says, this is the most entertained I’ve been all day.  And she says yes too.  Am I in Bizarro World?  What the hell is going on?  Then Randy says yes, and Norman is clearly surprised.  I don’t think he had any notion of going to Hollywood.  But everybody wants to see him again.  Hahahahahaha.  This show is getting weird.

 

Then they blast through all the good singers.  Too fast for me to say anything about any of them. 

 

Then we have Monique from Puerto Rico with her little brother Christopher.  Christopher is absolutely adorable.  He comes in to the audition with Monique and brings the judges a shell he picked out for them.  But it broke before he could give it to them.  So it’s in pieces.  And it’s one shell…..for all four of them.  And Simon picks up one little broken sliver and shows it to the camera and says, Christopher….this is the reason I came to Puerto Rico?  This, right here?  And the kid gives him this huge adorable smile, with his dumbo ears and his gap-tooth grin and Simon is just laughing.  Monique is 16 and Kara and Randy think she’s not ready for the competition.  Whatever she sang, they didn’t think it was good enough.  Paula says yes. And then Simon….looking at Christopher….says I’ll give you another chance.  Thank your brother Monique.  He got you that ticket.

 

One final contestant in New York.  It’s Alexis….from last season. 

 

"Our next contestant Seacrest calls Philly's Scariest Woman.  I highly doubt that Seacrest.  But we'll see.  Her name is Alexis and she's straight out of the 70's.  Glitter eye shadow, bangle earrings.  But in a freaky way, not a cute way.  She's got that two-pack-a-day rabbly voice.  She's an artist and an animal lover.  And she can't speak very coherently.  For example, she says she's going to knock the judges on their feet.  And that she can do this without us, when that is not what she meant.  But hey, everybody gets nervous right.  I would be a blubbering mess if I was on this show...so I'm still giving her a chance.  She thinks she sounds like Janis Joplin or Pat Benatar.  Nope.  Not even a tiny little bit.  She was just really loud.  Simon thinks she's possessed.  And they all say no, and she's pretty cool about it until she gets out into the hall and then poor Seacrest has to listen to her ranting about crazy stuff.  Flash back in to the judges and Simon says she reminded him of Willem Dafoe, the Green Goblin in Spiderman.  Oh dear.  He's pretty close on that one.  She says, I'll leave with my dignity and she sooooooooooooooooo doesn't."

 

This year she looks a little more normal….but she’s chanting.  And then she looks at the camera and goes, that’s Buddhism.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok.  She sings Like A Prayer.  And she is still just as awful as she ever was…..doesn’t she have any friends that could stop her from doing this?  Kara thinks she actually got worse.  And then she finally starts flicking everybody off.  Awesome.  Simon says, ok are we friends now?  And Alexis goes, no….I don’t think we can be.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww….she leaves explaining to the camera that thousands of people across the country are supporting her and Simon mumbles, she likes me.

 

Now time for the last last contestant of the show in Puerto Rico.  Her name is Patricia.  Her parents got married in the same building.  This is not very good as far as sob stories go….She sings, I Wanna Dance With Somebody.  Simon thought it was a crazy song choice and says you have 30 seconds to change our minds.  So she sings something else in Spanish.  Randy says yes.  Paula says no.  And because she’s the last contestant and this show has lost all of its credibility, she gets to go to Hollywood.  <sigh>  More fodder to get tossed out during Hell Week.

 

Which is coming up!!  My favorite!!!!

 

Later gators,

Heather

Salt Lake City tonight.  It will be nice looking at a warm weather locale from the ice city Germantown has turned into.  Seacrest has some stupid green plaid shirt on…..<sigh>…..David Archuleta is from here.  You remember ol’ squinty eyes from last season, right?  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Ok.  Hang on.  Before we start I really need to get this off my mind.  Comcast is Satan incarnate.  I really do believe that.  Here is what happened to me today.  While I was home.  Hiding from the ice.  And all the morons attempting to drive on it.  So the On Demand option on the downstairs TV hasn’t worked for like….oh I don’t know…..months.  But since I have such an aversion to speaking to anyone from Comcast, I have stubbornly refused to call and get this fixed.  Until yesterday, when I wasn’t doing anything but sitting on my butt watching the tube…waiting patiently for Publishers Clearing House to ring the doorbell.  So I called, and they zapped the cable box from whatever bunker of hell they work out of….and waited for about twenty minutes for everything to magically reprogram itself.  And much to my utter amazement, when I turned the TV back on, the On Demand button worked.  So I watched a movie.  Some weird movie called ‘Bug’…..if you want to freak yourself out, then watch it.  Anyway, movie is over and I go to change the channel….but…..oh……what’s this…….the channel won’t change now.  Now….it just keeps popping back to the OnDemand channel.  This feels like Chinese water torture….like I’m slowly going insane.  You know that moment in between feeling like you can handle the world and feeling like you’re falling down the rabbit hole into an abyss of hopeless rage?  That’s where I was at this exact moment.  So I called Comcast back…..explained to the Indian-sounding woman on the phone what had happened……and she laughed.  Ok….ok….I can laugh too…..it is kind of ridiculous.  Then she tells me to unplug the box.  Which I do.  And then plug it back in and wait for about five minutes.  She’ll wait with me on the phone (if you ever wondered why you’re on hold for so long, thank this woman) and we chatted about the weather in that weird uncomfortable ‘talking with strangers’ way people have….and five minutes go by.  Nothing has changed on the TV screen.  So she puts me on hold.  Comes back and says, the manual says it could take up to fifteen minutes.  If it doesn’t come back on you can go to your local store and get a new box.  <very long pause>  Ok, first of all she said five minutes like eight minutes ago and now the MANUAL says fifteen minutes?  I’m an auditor people.  I can smell it when people are lying over the phone.  Then…..go to your local store and get a new box?!?!?!?  Why in the hell should I have to do that?  The box was working this morning, wasn’t it?  It was working before I called you devil people to FIX it?  The Indian-sounding woman clearly had no idea what she was talking about.  So I hung up on her before I could start calling her names and unplugged the box again…..before I could no longer control the urge to toss the TV right off the deck.  Plugged everything back in and went away.  I told myself that this must be one of those technology things that doesn’t work when you’re looking at it.  Like toast.  Or pre-heating ovens.

 

85 minutes later and the channels are changing.  Not with the remote.  But they are changing.  And it is so typical of Comcast that after speaking to them, I am actually grateful to have cable TV with a non-working remote…..

 

Ok so anyway.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, Salt Lake City.  Singing first tonight is David Osmond.  Yes, yes, one of those Osmonds.  Dad is battling MS.  And so is David.  It is obviously in remission right now, because he doesn’t look sick at all.  But it will inevitably return to incapacitate him.  He is remarkably high-spirited for all that.  He sings Something Within Me, which sounds like Christian music…..but I wouldn’t know.  It sounded good.  He didn’t blow me away or anything.  Paula says you need to pick songs by solo artists, you’re too used to being in a group.  They make it dramatic….but he got his ticket.  I mean, come on….he is an Osmond.

 

Goth Girl is next…..she has ESP.  <sigh>  Why do Goth chicks have to be so stupidly weird?  I know it’s a high school thing.  Trust me, I know.  But man….<shaking my head>…..the outfit is almost as disturbing as the fact this girl thinks she actually does have ESP.  She sings Fly Away from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack….and it’s terrible.  She pauses for a second during her song, and no one says anything…..so she keeps singing.  <chuckle>  Simon says it sounded horrendous.  Like a baby.  Now…..maybe I am reaching a little here…..but horrendous and ‘like a baby’ don’t usually go in the same analogy.  Maybe he meant a baby crying.  Maybe he doesn’t really hate babies, like he made it sound.

 

Then we get a montage of lots of bad singers. And after that is Chris with his friend Greg the Rabbit.  Or….hehehehehehe…..Grabbit.  Grabbit has a beard and glasses and is dressed up in a big ridiculous pink bunny costume.  Chris can’t sing, but everyone is really distracted by Grabbit.  So Chris doesn’t get a ticket, but Grabbit hugs Simon.  Which was hi-larious.

 

Everybody is nice and happy in Salt Lake.  They all say thank you when they get rejected and I think it’s starting to make Simon nervous.  So Seacrest gives all the contestants a pep talk….

 

Next up is a stay at home mom.  Her name is Frankie Jordan.  That name just sounds like a singer’s name, doesn’t it?  Anyway, she kind of looks like Amy Winehouse, not on crack.  And she sounds like her too.  And since I love Amy Winehouse, I love this girl.  Simon says he likes her voice and then he says she has a cute little face.  Hahahahahaha.  Awwwwwwwww….I thought she was great.  Of course she’s going to Hollywood.

 

After her is another mom.  Megan.  Megan has tattoos all down one arm.  She just got divorced.  At 23.  Oh my…..that’s a lot of living for only 23 years.  Her voice is very different.  It’s kind of bluesy….kind of I don’t know what….but kind of cool.  I actually liked it.  It was easy to listen to for some reason.  Simon says best audition.  He tells her she has a glow.  They all say yes.

 

Then we get to meet Austin.  He’s a senior class president and I already don’t like him.  Senior class presidents are just too goody two shoes for me.  And boy is this guy one of those annoying ‘better than you’ people.  He wants to inspire people.  <sigh>  Give me a brick to beat myself in the head.  That would be more fun than listening to Austin’s plan for saving the world and the little people in it.  He sings a song by Train which I don’t think is a good idea personally.  Pat Monahan has the best voice I have ever heard.  You really can’t do better than him.  Nobody likes his song choices.  They ask him to sing something else and he picks some weird gospel song Jesus told him to sing or something….then Randy says he likes his perseverance.  What????  Paula believes in him.  Eh??????  Simon says you’re likeable, but you need to be young.  Am I going maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad?????  Austin got a ticket because no one wanted to burn in hell for saying no to him. 

 

Now we get to see lots of tears and nos and bad auditions.

 

Taylor is singing next and she is from Samoa.  I think that’s what she said.  Not completely 100% sure.  She is super tall….like amazon woman tall.  She has pretty hair.  Then she sings something called ‘Joyful, Joyful’.  Is this another Jesus song?  What is with all the Jesus and American Idol?  It makes me slightly uncomfortable mixing all this up…..there is not much about this show that is very Christian….really isn’t……and if you think there is, you're kidding yourself.  So let’s not pretend, shall we?  Anyway, Randy says she has a natural voice.  Kara knows she wants it.  Everybody says yes, and what is up with Simon by the way.  He seems awfully nice today.

 

The last audition is with Hippy Girl.  The last audition means it’s time for tonight’s sob story and wowee, tonight they found a doozy.  Rose lives with her friend.  Because daddy died when she was 13.  And mommy died when she was 15.  Rose’s brother says she always makes him proud.  And she wishes her parents could see her, because she really really misses them.  I am crying without knowing I’m crying and MAN, I hate this stupid show.  Simon says she looks fantastic….despite the fact that she’s wearing a big tie-dyed trash bag.  She sings I Feel the Earth Move.  Simon looks totally mesmerized while she’s singing.  Everyone seems to like her.  Paula says you need to work on your voice.  Simon thinks she’s got something special.  Hmmmmm….I think he likes her.  Either that, or everyone got the notes on her story and is putting her through for ratings.  Because everyone wants to root for the ‘good guys’ and by good guys I mean tragically sad stories where people just have to have something good happen to them because the cosmos owe them big time.  I know that’s kind of pessimistic….but come on.  Everyone says yes.  She hugs everyone.  And Simon says she’s one of the few he’ll remember.  Hmmmmm….me too.

 

Two cities tomorrow night.  The Hubby, who hasn’t stopped grumbling about the remote for the entire hour, stopped breathing when he heard this and looked at me like I just suggested we go shop for a dining room table this Sunday evening.  Whoa….whoa…..whooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..this crap has already been on twice this week.  They can’t do that.  Note to Self – stop answering statements made by Hubby as though he were asking a question.  I said, a little too gleefully, oh yes they can!  He looked at me, without saying anything, for about 12 seconds.  If you’ve been married for more than five years, you have undoubtedly had this look before.  You may not have seen it.  But you’ve gotten it.  Either from your husband...or your wife.  This is the I’m Weighing My Options Look.  Is jail worth it?  Is feeding myself worth it?  Is not pretending that I don’t know how to use the clothes/dish washer worth it?  It takes men twelve seconds to run through their options.  Your job, ladies, is to make sure being married to you is always slightly more preferable than all their other options.  I say only slightly, because there’s no real reason to put that much of a strain on yourself.  And yes, American Idol is worth that look.  <smile>

 

Later gators,

Heather

So I have been watching the Weather Channel religiously for the last 14 hours because I have a freakish obsession with bad weather.  Probably goes back to missing school when I was a kid if it was a snow day.  I used to wake up at like 4:30 just to see the snow, my county on the list, and then go back to sleep.  Best feeling ever, to go back to sleep during a school or work week.  So the Weather station for our local Comcast line up has been on pretty much non-stop.  The Hubby doesn’t understand my devotion to the surprisingly non-funny meteorologists they put on these shows.  He doesn’t care if it’s snowing or sleeting or freezing raining.  He has a truck.  Truck People don’t ever care about the weather, as long as they have enough weight in the back.  Seems like a lot of people wouldn’t have to worry about the weather if that was the only issue.  Hehehehe.  So anyway, there was more of a point to this revelation.  I was flipping back and forth between the Weather Channel and Jerry Springer when I noticed the TV Guide description that pops up when you change the channel.  You know that blue part at the bottom of the screen, if you have Comcast.  Or the ‘Info’ if you hit the Info button.  Anyway….the ‘Info’ for the weather channel said the following – (Other.)  That was it.  It did not mention that this channel predicts cozy snuggly days at home in front of the fire.  It did not mention that this channel allows you to prepare yourself for the inevitable rush to the grocery store from panicking Germantown Germs stocking up on bread, milk and toilet paper.  Because all the Germs apparently do when we get moderately bad weather is eat toast and drink milk in the bathroom.  The channel description did not mention that it foretells moments of dangerously high blood pressure when I am screaming at the morons in front of me who think the roads can freeze when it’s 47 degrees outside.  (Other.) is so not helpful.  (Other.) doesn’t do this channel justice at all.

 

So anyway, time for another night of American Idol.  We’re in Jacksonville tonight.  That’s in Florida, in case you didn’t know.  Home of Superbowl XHLIIJA or whatever roman numeral it’s supposed to be.  Seacrest is in a car with Simon, both wearing white and being smirky about Randy.  You know…..because his name is Jackson.  And obviously the town was named after him.  Ok.  Cause we’re all retarded and we’re going to believe that.  <sigh>  Randy is in some oddly disturbing orange shirt with blue splatters all over it.  The girls are wearing cute little summer dresses.  And this is one of those OCD things that bothers me….they’re sitting in the wrong spots.  Randy is in Simon’s spot.  And Simon is in Randy’s spot.  And no no no.  Randy belongs (tic) on the other (tic) side of the friggin (tic) judge’s table.  This makes me anxious.  I hope they fix that soon.

 

First up for Jacksonville is some guy that looks a little tiny bit like Justin Guarini.  Yes that’s how you spell his name.  Yes I looked it up.  Justin was the loser in Season 1 that was up against Ms Kelly.  He wasn’t really good at all, but this kid says he doesn’t mind being compared to the guy because at least then he’ll be remembered.  Yeah.  As a loser.  <shaking my head>  He sings Marvin Gaye and he’s actually ok.  But there’s too much going on.  Simon says parts of it were good, then it was gimmicky, then it was just corny.  Then he called him Inspector Gadget.  HAHAHAHAHHAHA.  But everybody says yes anyway.  So Gadget is going to Hollywood.  But tone it down kid, really.

 

Sharon and Sasha the Shitz-tzu are up next.  The dog is kind of cute….but the Hubby reminds me again that if we were to ever get a dog it would be a real dog and not one of those little tiny dogs you can put clothes on.  He hates clothes on dogs.  He thinks it’s ridiculous.  Yeah.  Ridiculously funny!  I’m going to come home with a little pug some day and he will have an outfit for every day of the week.  <pause>  Just kidding.  I don’t think the Pumpkin would handle having a dog in the house very well.  Anyway, Sharon sings Superstar.  Simon is holding the dog.  Simon says yes, probably because of the dog.  Randy says yes.  Then the world goes all tilty and Paula fake-kisses Kara…and I have no idea why this happened….Paula is probably off her meds.  So while Kara is trying to put her dress back on, everybody says yes.

 

Cut to Seacrest driving some golf cart around and getting lost.  Note to Self – Drive around in golf cart after you conquer the universe. 

 

The next person I noticed was a 16 year old named Kaneswa.  She is extremely self-assured.  She picks Anita Baker to sing, but she can’t.  She’s totally flat.  Flatter than flat.  Entirely through her nose.  Simon says….it got progressively worse.  Then they bring mom in and ask her what she really thinks.  And mom is fantastic and never budges in her adamant confirmation that her daughter is talented.  It’s a no though.

 

Next is Miss Florida Latina USA.  Julissa is a 19 year old beauty queen.  She has a pretty strong accent.  And decides to sing Whitney.  Hmmmmm…..that’s never a really good idea.  She’s ok.  Her laugh is disturbingly obnoxious.  And then, in yet another inexplicable move, Paula suddenly walks off the show because no one will let her speak.  This seemed to happen in like three seconds.  And poor Julissa runs after her.  Brings her back.  Everybody says yes now because Paula decided to be so theatrical.  And Simon says….well alright.

 

Darren Darnell is singing next.  He says people compare him to Naomi Campbell.  <chuckle>  Yeah, I can kind of see that.  His friend got cut right before he has to audition and now Darren is very upset.  He’s trying to sing Boys 2 Men…..but he’s too upset.  And it’s so pathetic, I don’t even feel sorry for this guy.  Man up!!  He looks ridiculous.  He’s completely flat.  Totally off.  WOW….that was really bad.  So bad Simon is cringing through the whole thing.  Kara says, listen the music industry is not for you if you can’t even handle this kind of stress.  I agree.  Go into accounting Naomi….much less stressful.

 

Then we get a montage of lots more crying.  Lots more pathetic losers.

 

Then we get to hear Naomi Sykes.  But first her friend wants to meet Randy.  Oh please.  Naomi sings ‘Lovin You’ and thinks she can hit the high note.  Her friend sits on Randy’s lap.  So Paula sits on Simon’s lap and Seacrest sits on Kara’s lap.  And this is quite the circus, isn’t it.  Poor Naomi has no idea what’s going on.  Simon says, sing the bloody song already.  And she does.  And it’s awful.  Everybody does the la la la’s with her.  That didn’t help.  The high note sounds like a cat stuck in a fan belt.  It’s horrific.  And she goes….get this….everybody tells me I’m great.  And Simon thinks it’s a joke.  But it’s not.  I think it was a joke too and now she’s just looking for sympathy…..get OUT already.

 

On Day 2 we start with Jasmine Murray.  Jasmine is such a pretty name.  Anyway, she has a huge family and she’s the baby.  She sings Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry.  Simon is smiling that smile he smiles when he thinks someone is very good.  He calls her cute, commercial and a very good singer.  Paula agrees.  Everyone says yes.  And Family screams.

 

Then we get to meet the obligatory Psycho of this City – George.  George has a beard and crazy eyes.  Simon asks him where he sees himself in eleven years.  Which is a weird question to begin with….but George goes ahead and says, I see myself in a simple house, nice floors.  <pause>  Wow….nice floors?  You want a house with nice floors.  That’s your dream in life?  I don’t know what he’s singing but it’s terrible.  Paula or somebody asks him if he’s ever sang in public.  He says no.  And then it’s very quiet.  People who are ok with such uncomfortable silences are psychos.  Stay away from them.  Silence makes people uncomfortable for a reason…..because only psychos are that creepy quiet all the time.  Simon says this isn’t for you.  And George just quietly goes away to haunt my nightmares for eternity.

 

Ok, next up is Ann Marie.  She has really pretty hair.  Kara is her hero.  Simon is smiling from ear to ear.  He says, you’re a great singer, very attractive but you’re not acting like a star.  Come back as a different person.  Huh….clearly an excuse to see this loverly girl again….

 

Next is some guy named TK.  Apparently he’s auditioned before but I don’t remember him and neither does Simon.  He sings Imagine (Lennon).  Paula says you sound better.  Randy says it was too over the top, a song that good you don’t need to change.  Obviously.  Simon says no.  Randy and Paula say yes.  So now it’s up to Kara and you know she’s a huge pushover….so TK gets his golden ticket.

 

Then we get a montage of all the proud parents.  All the proud deluded hopeful or vindictive parents.

 

Then we get to meet Michael in the White Bandana.  He’s a guitar player and didn’t realize he couldn’t play his guitar during the audition and when he finds out he throws a little tantrum like a little five year old.  He sings 3^rd Eye Blind and it’s ok.  Kara thinks it would have sounded better with the guitar.  Simon says you’re interesting, but your voice isn’t.  And then when Michael starts to beg, Simon says, oh don’t do that.  Now you’re beginning to get on my nerves.  Ok….tip #1…..don’t annoy the judges.  Not a good way to get on the show.  So he’s shot down, no ticket.  And when mom tries to hug this little jerk he pushes her away and says, don’t touch me.  Which I think made Seacrest a little upset.  What an ass.  I’m glad he can’t sing.

 

Ann Marie is back now and she got all dolled up and looks even prettier.  We already knew she could sing, but now Simon looks positively giddy.  Everybody says yes….of course.  Especially Simon.  <smile>

 

Tomorrow night is Salt Lake City.

 

Later gators,

Heather

The following takes place between 1 and 2 pm.  I checked this time.

 

So Agent Larry is ordering FBI people to the embassy.  He says we have to find Tony and Jack.  And Agent Eye Candy.  Back-stabbing Sean says sorry about Renee, and Larry goes nuts.  We don’t know she’s dead yet!!  Awwww….Agent Larry looooooooooooves her.

 

The Mod Squad digs up Agent Eye Candy and shoots her full of adrenaline.  Of course that works.  They can bring anybody back to life on this show.  Now she has to be in on the plan.

 

Team Terror is on their way to the rendezvous point.  Jack asks David, how did you get Tony out of CTU?  Apparently the guy who ‘killed’ Tony was in on it.  Purposefully missed the artery, so he could recruit him.  Wow, that seems a little far-fetched, doesn’t it?   The rules have changed and there is nothing such as honor left.  We would have to take of each other, like brothers.  After the whole explanation Tony seems like he’s having second thoughts about David.  Team Terror shows up at some air strip.  David grabs Jack.  He knows something is up.  Tony kills the other guy.  Jack says take the shot.  Everybody is yelling.  Tony shoots David in the shoulder and then in the neck.  He’s dead.  Uh oh.  This can’t be good.

 

RoboBill explains everything to Agent Eye Candy.  She says I have to call the FBI and RoboBill says, no go.  We’re nearing the endgame.  Until we get the device, you have to stay dead.  Jack calls and says David is wounded.  Wounded??  Doesn’t anyone die on this show anymore?  Jack has to get Mutobo on board with the plan because they can’t stop the Butcher without him.

 

The Butcher tells the Other Bad Guy to kill Tony and the others once he has Mutobo.  WH has not withdrawn the troops.  The Butcher thinks the President will only agree when Americans are dead.  The Butcher says target DC.

 

At the WH – NSA called thinking the Device has been initiated.  She knows that the Butcher is getting ready for another attack.  Kanin thinks they should prevent the attack.  He thinks if they begin an immediate pullout of the troops, he may stop.  Same old argument.  He is definitely one of the bad guys.  He thinks they’re out of options, the President doesn’t.  Get rid of that guy already….he doesn’t agree with anything you say. 

 

Tony is trying to explain to David why he shot him.  David tells him to go to hell.  Then he dies.  The Wifey wants Mutobo to listen because Jack has no reason to lie.  Jack says we need both of you.  The Wifey is leverage.  Mutobo says you can’t promise me she won’t be harmed.  And he says no.  Time for Wifey to persuade Mutobo.  She feels guilty about opening the safe room.  She says I want to be by your side. Awwwwwwwwww…let’s get tortured together.  How romantic!   Wifeys always get their way.  So they agree to help Jack.  He tells them they’re being brave.  They know, Jack.  You don’t have to tell them that.  Jack tells Tony they have to go but he’s upset about David being dead.  Hmmmm….he’s a loose cannon, I think. 

 

The Butcher has put two planes on an intercept course.  The he calls the White House.  He tells the President to go to the window and see what she has done.  The planes collide.  And my stomach sank……ugh…….I don’t like this plane crash stuff.  He says comply with my demands or more Americans will die.  Oh boy.  This changes everything, right?  So, the President wants to meet with the Cabinet.  Everyone is telling her they have to withdraw the troops to prevent more casualties.  They say without Mutobo, the entire operation is pointless.  The President says if there is still a chance Mutobo can be recovered, I won’t do it.  Man, she’s stubborn.  Joe says, you’re guaranteeing another attack.  Joe says they’ll call for your resignation.  The President tells him to sit down or leave.  So he leaves.  The President says if anyone else wants to go, you should.  Then she explains why she’s doing what she’s doing.  Lots of American patriotic hoopla.  She says we’re in for some tough times, let’s make sure we’re ready.  Tough times?  Wow….queen of the understatements.  It’s ok to cry Madam President.  I would be bawling my eyes out in total hysteria at this point.  Probably why I’ll never be President. 

 

RoboBill shows up at the air strip.   With Chloe and Eye Candy.  Jack tells Chloe to put a wire on Mutobo.  Jack asks Eye Candy if she’s ok?  And she’s still being bitchy.  I hate this woman, why didn’t they just let her die already.  Jack says, listen hon, we did what we had to do.  Chloe is putting a transmitter on Mutobo’s teeth.  He asks her if she’s FBI and she says no, I’m a stay at home mom.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Seriously, get rid of Eye Candy, we want more Chloe.  RoboBill tells Jack about the plane crash.  Why’s Jack being so nice to Eye Candy?  How about a ‘thanks for saving my life, Jack’?  How about that?  Instead she says, you really think you can stop this?  And he says, we have to.    

 

Back at the WH, Tim and Kanin agree they have to change the President’s mind.  Who better to do it than her Hubby.  Hahahahahaha, silly men.  It doesn’t work that way!  Wifeys can manipulate the Hubbys but not the other way around.  Tsk. 

 

Back at the Girlfriend’s apartment, Paralyzed Papa Taylor is still waiting to die.  The Girlfriend shows up.  Papa can’t warn her because he’s paralyzed!!  Come on sweetie, he’s obviously not ok.  The Bad SS stabs her in the back.  Then Kanin calls looking for Papa Taylor.  Kanin is yelling at him and says bring Papa back to the White House.  But that’s not going to happen….what a horrible way to die.  But it looks like the paralytic is wearing off….well….of course it is.

 

The Mutobos are ready.  The Other Bad Guy shows up to get them and asks, where’s David?  Tony says, he’s dead.  Everybody is dead.  He says, I decided I’d rather not split the cut.  Tony says, pay up before you get the Mutobos.  Careful Tony!  They’re going to kill you.  No…no wait……Jack is in the rafters covering him.  Tony says, let’s forget you just tried to kill me.  You got what you want, now get the hell outta here….<long pause> …..oh come on….anyone would know something is up with that. 

 

Back at the Apartment and the Bad SS is going to hang Papa Taylor.  Papa says, don’t do this.  Um….he’s talking, hellooooooooooooooooo…….shouldn’t that be a clue that something is not working.  Then Papa and he both go off the balcony.  And Papa kills him.  Oh boy.  How are you going to explain that?

 

The Butcher is calling someone else now….did that sound like Kanin?  Their next target is some town, I didn’t catch the name.  And that’s the end.

 

Gotta go de-ice the car….and my sidewalk……and my house……

Later gators,

Heather

Another night of American Idol to look forward to….YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.  Tonight we’re in Louisville, Kentucky.  Churchill Downs….where the Kentucky Derby takes place.  Simon is in black….again.  Paula is in blue and a beehive.  Randy has some powder blue t-shirt on.  Kara looks glamorous.  Seacrest has black on with a gray shirt over it. 

 

Let’s get right to it tonight.  I don’t have anything really exciting to complain about today.  Tiffany is singing first.  Tiffany is kind of white trash.  Tiffany is from right here in Kentucky.  For whatever reason, I don’t consider Kentucky to be a southern state….but it is right next to West Virginia….it’s a very similar accent.  Lots of twang.  Tiffany has big gross fake eyelashes on her face.  They make her look like a creepy carny.  She explains that if she doesn’t get a ticket, she’s going to college.  And she’ll stay positive if they say no.  <evil grin>  Well….you just know that’s a lie.  Randy is laughing.  Simon is expressionless.  Tiffany wants to sing again and Simon explains that it’s like a race between 22 horses and a donkey.  She’s got no chance.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  A donkey?!?!?  So it’s a no.  A mean funny no.  So Tiffany, with the usual loser AI contestant grace, starts singing again in the hall and complaining and not being positive.  I feel bad because I think her parents must be deaf. 

 

Next up is Joanna.  She moved to LA when she was 16 to try her hand at the music business.  She’s lost a lot of confidence because this life was pretty hard.  She’s a pretty girl, pretty eyes.  Kara recognizes her from a contract she had with some music producer.  Joanna starts to sing and Simon looks smitten.  Happy smiles all around.  She’s quite good.  And when they tell her yes, she starts to cry.  All the hard work finally paying off….

 

Now we have Mark Mudd, Jr.  Junior?  Mark Mudd JUNIOR???  Seriously?  Your name is Mark Mudd….so you name your kid Mark Mudd too?!?!?  How sadistic is that?  He explains the history behind the name of Mudd…which I think everyone knows.  If you don’t, look it up on Wikipedia.  He has a priceless southern drawwwwwwwwwwwwl.  He tells us that he’s almost dyed fyve tymes.  You really have to say that in your head with the same southern drawl….to really get the full effect of Mark Mudd Jr.  He sings some country music….naturally….It was very weird, but probably could have passed during karaoke night or maybe even some small bar somewhere out in the middle of nowhere.  Paula says this is not the right competition for you.  And Simon says, what is?  Wheel of Fortune?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  So evil.  Mark Mudd Jr.  is not laughing but doesn’t seem too surprised.  As he’s leaving, Mudd turns to the judges and says, Be careful.  Now, Simon took this as a threat.  Which was kind of ridiculous.  Poor Mark was trying to say something like, Take care.  But of course the judges made it sound all dramatic….it was a poor attempt….very clear this guy wasn’t a psycho.  Just a really really bad singer.

 

Brent is singing next.  Classic good looks…not really my type….but whatever.  He sings some Bad Company.  Paula thinks he’s a good singer.  Yeah, right.  Simon says the song was ridiculous.  And then he’s antagonizing Paula and Kara on purpose.  Because he can.  They get so frustrated with him, they go underneath the table.  It was kind of sad actually…they seem flustered because they’re in front of a cute guy…..kind of high school, really.  I wonder if Kara has the same kind of relationship issues that Paula does?  Oh yeah, Brent got a ticket.  Even Simon said yes.  Probably just to annoy them.

 

Then we got a lot of really bad singers.

 

Then we get the Piano Man, Matt.  Matt kind of reminds me of Vince Vaughn for some reason…not really sure why.  Kara absolutely loves him.  Simon’s not sure.  Paula said it’s a different kind of voice.  After they all say yes, Simon says you need to believe in yourself.  Randy tells him to get his swagger on….???  Ok.  He’s pretty likeable, but I don’t see him going far in the competition.

 

Next up is Ross.  Super Nerd.  There’s no chance this guy is any good.  He’s awkward…….in that way that makes everyone else uncomfortable.  You know what I mean.  He explains something about Chinese characters and their radicals at the beginning of the audition that pretty much lost it for him.  Then he sings Cara Mia in this super slow, super low voice that is so comical Randy and Kara start singing along.  They may be delirious actually.  He says he’s thirsty…so they offer him so water….so he takes Paula’s water and drinks through her straw and she’s so ooged out by it, it’s hi-larious.  I guess I wouldn’t let some stranger drink through my straw either….eebie geebies are a serious problem in this country……but her expression really was priceless.  So was his, actually.  You know he was thinking, “Wow, that vodka is really strong!”  <smile>

 

10 people got golden tickets on day 1.

 

Day 2 starts with Alexis Grace from Memphis.  She’s a stay-at-home mom and kind of a firecracker, I think.  She sings Doctor Feelgood, Aretha.  Everybody seems a little unsure about her.  I didn’t think it was all that great.  But Simon thinks she has a commercial face.  Kara tells her not to wear pink.  And then everybody says yes.  Very weird.

 

So the judges and the contestants seem very bored and tired on Day 2.  I guess they’re showing us this because there was nothing else to show us…..

 

Aaron sings next.  He is like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire.  He has this yelp that is right out of that movie.  Kind of annoying, but it still makes you smile for some reason.  He sings CCR…which is a weird choice.  It’s super loud and he’s screaming and I hate that.  But all the judges (except the Cowell) start screaming with him.  They make such a hubbub, that Ryan comes in with this fake concerned look on his face…..oh come on.  Seacrest you are such a bad actor….anyway, no one thought he was good enough to go to Hollywood but they’ve all yelled themselves awake. 

 

This next girl was not the final contestant….but she was definitely the highlight for me.  Rebecca Garcia.  The local news had her on in the morning, wishing her luck since was a local.  She has a cheat sheet on her arm because she’s nervous.  She picks Carrie Underwood, Before he Cheats, to sing.  And boy does she sound nervous.  Her voice has that quivering quality that gives you away, even if you can smile like you’re relaxed, the voice always gives you away.  She kind of stops for a minute, and Kara is reading her bio, and goes I get it, you were voted best sense of humor in high school, I get it.  This is a joke…..right?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s Kara laughing….because she thinks this girl is joking with them.  Except….here’s where my Grinch heart shrank two sizes……<this is me whispering> she wasn’t joking.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Even though Kara realizes she made a mistake it’s waaaaaaay too late to take it back.  Rebecca is crying in that pathetic way that people have when other people think they’re joking but they weren’t joking.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  It’s brilliantly awful.  Awful for Rebecca, since this is immortalized in AI history.  But also awful for Kara because now she looks meaner than Simon.  Simon says, you need to stop singing and focus on something else.  And that seems sooooooooooooo nice compared to Kara.  Heeheeheeheehee.  Women really are the devil…..we are.

 

Then they do the fifteen second recap of all the good singers.  One of them had purple hair.  That’s all I noticed.

 

Laneesha is the final contestant.  All the final contestants have been sob stories that get a ticket….so I am full well expecting this to be no different.  The worse the sob story, the more likely it is for these kids to get a ticket.  Laneesha has like 10 brothers and sisters.  Single mom.  Raised them through being poor, homeless, having nothing, having less than nothing.  Laneesha stayed home to help her mom because she thinks her mom is fabulous.  And then Mom turns to her daughter and says, though tears streaming down her face, thank you for singing to me when I was down.  And that did it.  Now I’m crying too.  I hate this show.  Laneesha is quite adorable.  She gets into the audition and just has this charm about her.  But then, the kiss of death, she says I’m singing an original song that I wrote.  Uh oh.  Honey, this is the worst idea EVER.  Then she starts to sing and sounds like…..good?  Yeah….I think that’s the word I want.  It sounds…..good.  She has a great voice.  The song was fun.  Simon loves her.  He says it was quirky and fun.  And he said…on top of that, the song was pretty good too.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Everybody loved her.  And yes, she’s going to Hollywood.

 

The Hubby didn’t even wait for the credits to roll tonight before he cut off the DVR, so I have no idea where they’re going next.  I’ll try to think of something interesting to complain about next week.  In the meantime….consider this –

 

“There was a thin blue line of crayon drawn across every wall in the house.  What does it mean? I said.  A pirate needs the sight of the sea, he said & then pulled his eye patch down & turned and sailed away.”  - http://www.storypeople.com

 

<smile>

 

Later gators,

Heather

Ok, so I’m auditing in Howard County now.  I didn’t have anything to complain about until this morning.  The HoCo residents seem to all proudly display one particular bumper sticker on their otherwise pristine luxury vehicles…..with one particular saying…..that is starting to really irritate me.  The stickers read, “Choose Civility”.  I don’t really want to know what Mensa genius came up with this slogan or why.  I don’t care.  But apparently ‘choosing civility’ means driving slow.  Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally slow.  I am used to the fast-paced cops-be-damned attitude prevalent in MoCo and am finding it difficult to transition to this more blasé approach to driving.  Ellicott City Elks and Columbia Columns steadfastly refuse to drive faster than the speed limit and it’s starting to make my blood boil.  At first, I thought, oh this will be nice….a nice relaxing commute….no traffic….pretty scenery.  Yeah.  That lasted for like three days.  And now, every time I see one of these stupid bumper stickers I want to rip my hair out.  Civility?  Civility means not annoying me.  I am going to start bumping the bumpers of the Elks and the Columns since they clearly do not understand my hand gestures…..They are annoying me deliberately….which in my road rage delirium I immediately assumed.  Civility.  Humph. 

 

So anyway, let’s start with American Idol already.  This will cheer me up.  The Caps are playing the Ottawa Senators tonight.  Last game before the All-Star break.  Ryan tells us we’re in San Francisco.  Home to Katherine McPhee and William Hung.  So this should be awful and sort of ok all at the same time.  Awesome.  Randy is in some weird preppy plaid v-neck sweater.  Paula is wearing some weird 80’s hat.  Kara has some weird shredded shirt thing on.  And Simon is wearing the very adventurous and daring black top that he has had in his wardrobe for the entire history of the show.  He must own like 12 of those same shirts….Seacrest got really dressed up for this one too.  He’s wearing jeans and some zip up jogging jacket.  Nice. 

 

The first singer of the night is the Most Annoying Person Ever to Have Existed in the History of the Planet.  Her name is Tatyana or something.  And she tells us she’s from Puerto Rico….in a Puerto Rican accent and then she continues speaking in an American accent.  Ok…..whatever.  She has a ridiculous looking dress on.  Like someone pasted chiffon to the bottom of a cocktail dress.  But the most awful thing about this girl is her laugh.  I literally stopped what I was doing, mouth hanging open, and listened to this awful awful laugh completely stunned at how terribly terribly awful it was.  If someone was wavering on the fence between normal citizen of a normal society and murderous rampage….this laugh would push them over the edge.  It is, quite literally, the most awful thing I have ever heard.  Like in Dumb and Dumber, the most annoying noise in the world…..She tells us that winning American Idol would make her heart complete…..and if she has to outsing everyone else, she will.  <long pause>  I’m really glad she understands the concept of this show….that’s encouraging.  She gives the judges a press kit when she walks in….which just proves how full of herself she is….and I am waiting on the edge of my seat to hear Simon smash her into little itty bits.  She sings some Aretha….you know because she thinks she can sing.  Simon says, you shouldn’t have sung that.  <evil grin>  And then she keeps singing…..<shaking my head> ….so pathetic.  Simon tries to talk to her….and she cuts him off with MORE singing.  I want to beat my head into a wall….this is a nightmare.  Randy, Kara and Paula all say yes because they think this girl will be good for their ratings...or they just want her out of the room.  Oh dear Jesus…..Simon abstains.  I hope she gets hit by a bus before she gets to Hollywood.  Look….I’m already going to hell….might as well wallow in it.

 

Now we see a montage of all the “High Fashion” in San Fran.  And then they show some kid with bright orange hair beat boxing.  He looked like Ichabod Crane.  Very disturbing.  And he was terrible.

 

Next up is Sofa Coat Guy.  His coat looked like it was made out of an old couch.  Totally gross.  And he thinks it’s awesome.  And he thinks he can sing……soooooooooooooooooo if this analogy works out right…..he probably can’t sing.  Not at all.  Paula and Kara are scared.  Simon is annoyed.  Randy is laughing.  Randy called it over the top torture.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Wow, Randy, way to keep it real.  Simon says everything about this was weird.  Weird coat.  Weird hair.  Nobody can understand the weird hair comment….Simon thinks he dyes his hair and then Sofa Coat says well, the carpet matches the drapes.  And that's when I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

 

We’re all mortified.  It’s a no.  And he blames it on the coat.

 

Jesus sings next.  He’s a Family Man, auditioning because it’s a Family Show.  Basically he wants to be a hero for his little kids.  He sings….<scrunching up my face>….it’s not very good.  Simon says, it’s not going to work.  But then Paula and Kara say his voice is ok….probably trying to let him down easy….but then Jesus dumps the kid card on them.  Nice.  Manipulative.  I like it.  He brings in his kids pimping out their cute little faces and their cute little posters….they look like trouble makers to me…..but the ladies think they’re cute.  Randy says sing one more for the kids.  And everybody says yes.  Except Simon.  Because they’re all pushovers.  Except Simon.  Now you’ll have to break his heart in Hollywood.  <shaking my head>

 

Rubik’s Cube guy is next.  He’s one of those quiet people.  Quiet people can’t sing because they don’t know how to project.  He tells everyone he’s nervous.  Too nervous.  Simon looks catatonic.  Kara and Paula are frozen.  And Randy is just laughing….I guess he laughs when he’s uncomfortable…..

 

Then they show us a lot more of the bad singers.

 

And then they explain that Kara and Simon are not getting along.  Boohoo.  Of course they’re not.  Simon clearly thinks that his opinion is the only one that should matter.  So he cuts her off and talks down to her and yes, it’s all very entertaining.

 

Aquila is singing next.  She is studying some kind of anatomy drawing.  She printed something off the Internet that explains how to train a Gospel Singer.  Listen….you can get anything off the Internet…..except talent.  Sorry.  This girl is funny because she keeps mispronouncing things and then arguing with people who pronounce them correctly.  Trashea, instead of trachea.  Lareninx, instead of larynx.  Hi-larious.  She’s singing an original song….always a bad sign.  And when it’s awful, she practically begs to sing some more.  Which she does and Simon says, they all sound the same.  Which is bad.  They all sound baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  But this girl refuses to give up, or stop talking.  She won’t stop talking and everyone is trying to speak over everyone else and Simon keeps pronouncing her name wrong and this is total chaos.  She gets into the Confessional and says to America, they made me feel like one of those “Bad Auditioners”.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I want to make up words too.  That sounds like fun.

 

Then they show us like three seconds of three different good singers, all got golden tickets.  I couldn’t tell you one thing about any of them except we may see them again in Hollywood.

 

The Screaming Meemie is up next.  Small, short cropped blonde hair, pretty eyes….like a pixie or an elf.  And then she sang.  Totally screaming.  Loud does not mean good, people.  Come on.  You can’t convince people you can sing by making them deaf.  It doesn’t work that way.  Kara says it was overdone.  Simon thinks she’s drunk.  Heeheeheehee.  Probably.

 

Adam the Actor is up next.  His parents put him in musical theater when he was a kid because he was hyperactive.  Hahahahaha….is that what they told you Adam?  It was probably because they hated you.  He is adorable though.  Cute hair.  Nice eyes.  26 isn’t that young…..anyway, he sings Bohemian Rhapsody and it’s quite good.  The ladies love him.  Randy says this is the time for you.  Simon says yes, begrudgingly.  Then he shakes the guys’ hands and kisses the ladies.  Very sweet.  Maybe too sweet for the show?  No way…..the American Public eats that crap up with a spoon.  Nice going Adam.

 

So the Caps have tied the game against the Sens.  If they can stop getting penalties, they might win this game….

 

One more kid.  His name is Kai.  He takes care of his mom.  She has a seizure disorder.  Argh!  Why do they keep the sob stories until the end of the show?  This isn’t fair at all.  So he’s a nice looking guy.  Loves his mom.  Enough to give up his personal and social life to take care of her.  No big deal to him….but then mom starts to cry.  And now I’m crying.  Godd****t.  I hate this show sometimes.  He wants to buy mom a house and make sure she’s always taken care of……and now I care.  And I hate that.  He sings Smoke Gets In Your Eyes and thank goodness, it’s beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful.  They let him sing the whole first verse…Paula says you have a beautiful timber to your voice.  Simon says yes, but you need to work on your stage presence.  And then he suggests that Kai watch him on AI episodes….you know…..for confidence.  <chuckle>  What a joker.  Anyway, Kai calls mom to tell her the good news and now I am crying and I hate this show.

 

You know what would be more fun than these sob stories?  Is some guy coming on saying, yeah my mom is sick but I don't care.  Someone else can take care of her....I don't have time because I party every night.  I use women.  I drive a planet-killing car.  I shoot and kill cute furry animals for fun.  And I think I'm extremely attractive with all this chest hair.  And then I can root against him.  Because that is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more fun. 

 

Semin got a tripping penalty with like three minutes left in the game.  Stupid stupid stupid.  So the Caps ended up losing.

 

Was it just me or did this hour go by extremely fast?  I taped it on the DVR so I could watch the hockey game at the same time….so I did fast forward through all the commercials…..but still.  It felt like we saw like three people audition…..ah well.  Tomorrow is Kentucky.

 

Later gators,

Heather

First of all….let’s talk about this ridiculously cold weather…..and how much I hate wind.  Seriously….it’s like minus 300 outside….and on top of that….it’s WINDY?!?!?!  That’s just insane.  This is Maryland.  Home of the historically mild winters.  My Car told me it was 9° the other day when I was driving to work.  I thought the Car was lying.  Come on….9?  I am always cold now.  I feel like I will never be warm again.  And it’s only January.  It’s not like winter is going to be over any time soon.  This will laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast.  And I will be cooooooooooooooooooooold.  Forever. 

 

Ok, now that I have reminded you of how completely miserable it is outside, let’s move on to 24.  We’re in the middle of the day now….can’t really keep track.  Agent Larry knows that Mutobo and his wife are in the safe room at the embassy.  The SWAT team is telling him that it will be easier to bring Jack and Tony back if they could kill them first….and Agent Larry says, oh no.  They need Tony alive because they still think he’s a traitor and can get them the Device.  Remember he’s not a traitor though.  He’s like Super Undercover Man.  And now Jack is too. 

 

Back over at the Embassy, David is beating up the secret service guy.  For no real reason because he can’t open the safe room…..you know…..because it’s a SAFE ROOM.  And Jack is still trying to figure out a way to get in the room.  I’m surprised Chloe hasn’t devised a way to hack into the safe room and magically open the door with her Super Hacker Skills.

 

Go back to the FBI and Blondie tells Agent Larry that Super Sniper’s lawyers are filing a complaint against Agent Eye Candy.  You know….because she tried to kill him.  Larry calls Renee and is like, what the hell?  He orders her to come back to the FBI so the AG can interrogate her.  She says, oh no, I’m going to pretend to be Jack Bauer and go all rogue agent on you now at a most inconvenient time.  Back-stabbing Sean is talking to his wife whose plane just landed because Back-stabbing Sean impersonated Larry and gave a fraudulent order to the airport.  But he doesn’t tell her that, he tells her she’s lucky.  Then she says, well nevermind whatever global crisis you’re dealing with, let’s go out.  Back-stabbing Sean says no.  What a creepy guy.

 

Now go back to the Embassy and Mutobo explains to the mentally challenged Wifey that the Butcher wants him to name his allies back in Sangala.  It takes her a while to figure out that the Butcher will obviously be using her to get Mutobo to talk.  Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.  She’s scared and Mutobo tells her to just relax.  Team Terror gets the intercom working and David tells Mutobo to open it or they’re going to kill his secret service guy.  The SS says he’s ready to die and Mutobo is like, well good….cause there’s no way I’m coming out of here.  Then the guy’s phone starts ringing just in time.  Hmmmmmmm….it would have been more believable if they just went ahead and killed the guy.  The story must need him for later.  David sees it’s the FBI calling.  Let me ask you something…..would the FBI really show up like that on caller ID?  Would it just say, ‘FBI’?  Or would it say Anonymous or Unavailable or Don’t Ask.  Anyway, David immediately knows that the Super Sniper talked and the Other Terrorist part of the team starts panicking.  Jack is like, no worries, it will take them at least 15 minutes to get here and that’s plenty of time for me to gas them out of the room using the ammonia and bleach in the kitchen.  Nice.  Kind of Macgyver….but it makes sense he would know how to do this.  So the gas starts billowing into the room.  Wifey says, I don’t want to die.  Well….who does, hon?  Mutobo is like, oh well…..not very Romeo and Juliet…..but this is 24.

 

Back at the FBI and it looks like Fake-Chloe is in trouble.  By the way….where the hell is the real Chloe?  And RoboBill?  We haven’t seen or heard from them once during this entire show?  Anyway, the AG wants to talk to Fake-Chloe about torturing the Super Sniper and she’s like, oh no I wasn’t in the room I’m not responsible for anything.  No good, Fake Chloe.  The AG isn’t buying it, but Agent Larry steps in and says she’s busy.  Back off.

 

Agent Eye Candy gets to the embassy before the SWAT team and decides to just walk right in…why bother waiting for back-up, right?  So Mutobo is dying and the Wifey is panicking….and she opens the door.  Saw that one coming from a mile away….what a baby.  So the Terrorists pack up everybody into a van and start to head out.  The Wifey is saying I’m sorry….<sigh>….it’s a little late for that.  And here’s Agent Eye Candy, acting like she can sneak around and get the plates off the van….<shaking my head>….only Jack Bauer is that lucky on this show sweetheart.  So the Other Terrorist grabs her and Jack spins out some story about how they have to find out what she knows before they kill her, just to keep her alive.  I wouldn’t have bothered.  I probably would have shot her myself.  So David calls the Evil Crime Boss and says the FBI Source needs to find out how much she got from Super Sniper.  Meanwhile….Agent Eye Candy is being real mean to Jack.  Tsk…tsk….you’re going to feel like a real ass when you realize he’s the Good Guy….

 

Finally we see something other than the FBI and the Embassy.  We’re back with Papa Taylor and his fishy Secret Service guy offers to get a “friend” to help decrypt the files that the Girlfriend gave him.  Hmmmm….this guy is so not trustworthy……and his name is Brian.  Is that the first time we hear his name?  Not sure….but it’s Brian.  Brians should not be secret service people….Brians are bad guys.  No way around it.  Cut over to the White House for the same boring argument between the President and Kanin about attacking or not attacking…..<sigh>…..just get on with it already.  Then they find out that Mutobo has been abducted, Jack and Tony did it, and the FBI is clueless.  So Kanin, who is clearly in on the corruption, says ok what about now?  No attack?  And the President is like….we still have thirty minutes.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..30 MINUTES!  Lady, you are nuts.

 

Let’s go back to the FBI and see what’s going on there.  Back-stabbing Sean says I’m sorry to Blondie and then we find out that he’s having an affair with her.  Well of course he is.  The FBI knows that Agent Eye Candy was taken and that she doesn’t have a phone or a gun.  Stupid.  Just let her die!!  Fake-Chloe, just as impertinent as the real Chloe, asks Agent Larry if he’s going to be ok. 

 

Agent Eye Candy is still being all mean to Jack because she’s bitter about being caught.  The Evil Crime Boss tells David to kill her before they come back because she doesn’t know anything.  Who in the hell is this Source at the FBI?  Must be somebody high up to know what she knows?  Right?  Maybe it’s Larry.  I really wish they would kill Agent Eye Candy but I’m sure they won’t.

 

Back at the FBI, Agent Larry loves Agent Eye Candy and Fake Chloe knows this and explains to Back-stabbing Sean who loves Blondie…well maybe he doesn’t love her….but he’s having an affair with her but super intuitive Fake-Chloe doesn’t get that vibe from Back-stabbing Sean and Blondie.  So it’s a big soap opera, completely unrelated to the impending doom these terrorists will be shelling out.

 

Brian and Papa Taylor go the “Friend’s” apartment, which turns out to be the Girlfriend’s apartment and this was confusing for about 3 seconds.  Brian is of course a Bad Guy, which we kind of knew all along.  He tells Papa he tried to protect Roger, but Roger was stubborn too.  So he poisons Papa’s coffee.  Well, I guess it wasn’t poison because Papa is only Paralyzed.  Brian says, Roger died quickly and so will you.  Just not right now.  He calls the Other Bad Guy to get the Girlfriend.  They are going to set it up like Papa killed her and then killed himself.  And they leave Paralyzed Papa alive so he can eventually get away later…..(don’t pretend like I haven’t seen this show before)….the Gullible Girlfriend of course believes the Other Bad Guy and is on her way back to the apartment.

 

Back-stabbing Sean is being really nosy and Fake-Chloe just blabs out everything about the AG and Agent Eye Candy and how she helped distract the lawyers at the hospital and he’s like, wow you’re dumb.  And she’s like, shut up.  The AG fights with Agent Larry about interrogating Fake-Chloe since Agent Eye Candy is missing and probably dead.  Poor Larry, he’s very upset about Eye Candy most likely being dead.  He hears the message from David to the Evil Crime Boss that the NSA intercepted and knows she’s pretty much a goner.

 

Back with Team Terror in the van.  They’re pulling into the Dead Body Dump and Eye Candy’s time is almost up.  David tells Jack to go ahead and kill her.  Well….obviously it had to be Jack….since he’s the only one that WON’T kill her.  Damnit.  So he pretends to shoot her in the head by shooting her in the neck after he listens to her say all kind of nasty things to him and then he finally whispers, let me get you out of this…or something like.  I wasn’t really listening because I was too annoyed about the fact that she is obviously going to survive.  But then David says, ok now bury her.  Jack says, there’s no time.  And David is like, there’s always time to bury bodies…..that’s awful, she’s going to be buried alive.  She has a plastic sheet over her….so there is still the slim possibility that she can survive this so that pretty much guarantees that she will.  Oh well….

 

Here’s what I need to know – who’s the source at the FBI, why is the President so boring, and why weren’t Chloe and RoboBill in this episode.  Guess I’ll have to wait till next week.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Back again for part 2 of the season premiere of AI8.  Is this the only show that drags out premieres and finales over two days?  So there is a Caps game on tonight.  We’re playing the Pens.  We hate the Pens.  So the Hubby will be switching back and forth to the game as much as possible.  If any of you are new to the blog, let me assure that you will simultaneously be updated on D.C. hockey throughout the season…no charge.  <smile>  Compliments of this Caps fan.  So anyway, Seacrest tells us we’re in Kansas City, the Show Me State.  I’m pretty sure Kansas City isn’t a state…but I think I know what he meant.  Kansas City is in Kansas right?  Hahahaha…the Show Me State is Missouri, you uneducated twerps…and yes, Missouri has a Kansas City too.  Just to be confusing.  On May 9, 2008, the city honored David Cook.  And Seacrest wonders out loud if as many people will show up for auditions….<sigh>…..of course there’s like ten million people there.  Everybody loves Simon.  Of course they do.  And people love Ryan, too…..which I guess I understand.  Jason Castro is here.  He’s a contestant from last season.  Dreadilocks.  Paula absolutely loved him.  Well, his brother is here to audition this year.  The judges are here and it’s time to get started.

 

First up is Delusional Chelsea.  She calls her voice very powerful…which couldn’t have been farther from the truth.  Seriously.  Her voice is practically quivering it’s so weak.  Simon told her it sounded like a cat jumping off the Empire State building.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh lordy, he’s cruel.  Then she says, get this, I guess I picked the wrong song….<pause>…..you can’t fix the cat suicide sound with a different song, honey.  It just won’t work.

 

Ashley Anderson is singing next.  She’s tall and thin, pretty hair, big smile.  She sings a song Simon produced or wrote or something, so naturally she’s got him right off the bat, except she messes up the words.  <chuckle>  He didn’t seem to mind too much.  Everybody likes her, and she gets a ticket.  I thought she was kind of boring, but whatever.  A nice voice.

 

They cut to commercial here and maybe I have gone completely insane….but I think I saw a promotion for this little show called…..American Idol.  <long pause>  Seriously?  You’re seriously promoting a show to people….who are already watching the show!!!  Ya gotta love Fox, huh?

 

So anyway, we’re back with Casey Carlson from KC.  She’s got that country thang going on.  She sings A Thousand Miles and I really liked it, but I like country and not everybody does.  For instance, the Hubby doesn’t like country.  So he picks this moment to flip back to the hockey game.  Luckily for him, we are taping AI8 on the DVR.  Otherwise, he may have lost a limb at this point.  So anyway, when he got his fill of hockey and Alex Ovechkin scoring goals (best EVER) and switched back to my show, we learn that all the judges loved Casey too and she gets to go to Hollywood.

 

Then there’s a clip of all the bad and freaky and weird “talent” in the crowd.  People will do absolutely anything to get on TV….it’s really kind of pathetic.  But great for me! 

 

Brian the Opera Singer is up next and Brian reminded me of Meatloaf for some reason.  Maybe it was the cheap leather jacket or the weird biker with a beer belly look he was going for….or the beard that made him look 37.  He decides to sing some Aretha….you know just to make things easy on himself.  Randy is laughing through the whole thing….he is SO rude.  Then Simon says, everything was wrong about that audition.  Awful.  Horrendous.  Then this guy tries to sing some Josh Groban and even I am cringing at this point.  The Hubby flips back to the hockey game to give us a break from this torture.  Flip back – and Simon says, terrible.  Then nobody says anything.  And this guy has a creepy blank stare on his 37 year old face and then he just walks out of the room.  Obviously really angry.  As angry as an opera singing meatloaf can get.

 

Now they show us a montage of everybody crying.  Come on people….don’t audition if you’re not ready for the rejection.  You can’t ALL be great singers…it’s not statistically possible.  Then they show us more bad singers, after Ryan pimps out David Cook’s parents in some stupid intro to the ‘high expectations’ here in KC.  <sigh>  You get his whole family in the deal?  Wow. 

 

So next up is some guy named Vaughn.  I don’t know if that’s how you spell Vaughn because the Hubby refuses to rewind the DVR so I can see these people’s names.  ‘Heather, it’s already two god***n hours long….what do you want from me?’  <smile>  Ok.  I’ll give him that.  So Vaughn is basically screaming at the judges…not really singing.  It’s soooooooooooooo LOUD.  Simon’s not sure.  Randy says, wow you can sing.  <shaking my head>  He sounded in tune….but that was screaming.  Not singing.  Simon thinks he has a good voice though.  And then Kara says you have a big instrument.  No kidding.  But they all agree to send him to Hollywood.  I am starting to think that they are purposefully picking out losers to send to Hollywood, so they can let their favorites through.  Like lambs to the slaughter.  Wouldn’t be the first time I got paranoid about this show…..I’m just saying….

 

Next up is Dread’s brother.  I didn’t catch his name, but he has a silly red mohawk.  He says Jason is more girly.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yeah….I can see that.  But Paula was totally in love with Jason, so at least you got that going for you kid.  He decides to sing country….which I didn’t really see coming…..but ok.  It was ok.  Simon called is goodish.  Kara says, you look like you have a secret.  Uh oh….that sounds like something Paula would say.  She calls him ballsy.  I don’t know where she got that idea….but the girls apparently like this kid so he’s through to Hollywood.

 

Next up Banana Man in a yellow and orange suit.  Looked like something he may have borrowed from an Oompa Loompa.  He did not make it.

 

Baldy Matt the Welder is singing next.  He looks like a big cuddly teddy bear.  Put the singing on hold to take care of his family, and as he’s explaining this, Simon is going ‘I get that, I get that.’  He sings Ain’t No Sunshine….and it is absolutely wonderful.  I love this guy’s voice.  But then Randy says he doesn’t think he’s good enough.  What the hell are you listening to Randy?  Kara thinks he has natural talent and Paula just says something that sounded like yes.  Simon agrees with …..<drag it out for dramatic effect>……the girls.  He gets his ticket to a better life for the fam.  Simon said, you have a lot of heart.  Yes he does.  And you’re an idiot, Randy.

 

Jasmine Joseph has blue and red hair.  Jasmine Joseph sings without a care.  The judges said nothing, they wouldn’t dare.  And Jasmine Joseph just stared her stare. 

 

Jasmine Joseph is going nowhere.

 

p.s.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow is much more difficult to sing than most people believe.  And don’t make freaky faces while you sing, it’s very distracting.

 

Jessica Paige is our next contestant and she is from Oz.  That’s so friggin awesome.  I wish I could say that.  I’m from Oz, Kansas.  Hahahahahahaha.  Hi-larious.  So anyway, she takes care of her 93 year old grandma because she wants her to keep being able to live in the house she’s always been in…..waaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..stupid sob stories.  Of course, this girl is clearly not feeling sorry for herself which makes this a little easier.  She’s got that good singer confidence I was telling you about yesterday.  She sings Crybaby by Janis.  And it’s pretty good.  Simon likes her.  He says you’re the small town girl with big dreams.  <smile>  Four yeses for Dorothy on her birthday.

 

Next, it’s India and Asia, the rapping sisters.  India.  And Asia.  They are there with their brother Australia, their other brother Antarctica and their mom Kazakhstan.  <sigh>  Don’t name your kids after countries.  Or continents.  Or food.  Or animals.  Flowers are ok, obviously.  But not ‘Tulip’ or ‘Poinsettia’.  Use your heads people, this is your kid’s life you’re dealing with here.  Names can be very important.  So anyway, the sisters rap some song they wrote dedicated to Randy called ‘Cookies’ and it sounded like it was about eating yourself to death…..or something…..didn’t sound totally flattering to me…..but what do I know.  I can’t understand everything DMX says either.  So Asia sings first and she is so bad.  And then India sings, and she’s actually pretty good.  So Simon goes, without hesitation, it’s a no to Asia.  And the girl didn’t even care.  She just started pointing to her sister and saying, yeah, yeah….trying to convince the judges to let her sister through.  <smile>  So it becomes very obvious that Asia only came in the room to support her sister.  Get the judges’ attention with the rap.  Make her sister look good.  Because that’s what sisters do.  India got her ticket and no one was happier than Asia.  Very sweet.

 

Jamar the Bartender is singing next.  Jamar has a bar in his face or something metal sticking out of his cheekbone.  It looks gross.  He also sings way too loud….more screaming.  It must be the acoustics in that room, because the judges think he’s really good and the Hubby and I are just not hearing it.

 

Then Jamar’s friend Danny is auditioning.  And Danny has a sob story.  I hate sob stories because they make you feel bad for these people….and then if they don’t make it through you feel worse….and that is clearly not why I watch these people.  I watch them to mock them.  Not to feel sorry for them.  I have plenty to feel sorry for in this world….I don’t need AI to add to the list.  <sigh>  So, Danny’s wife died like last week or something from congenital heart disease.  He’s clearly in a lot of pain.  He says, through me people can see who she was.  <pause>  Even the Hubby made his ‘no I am not having some girly emotional reaction’ noise at that.  So now he better be good.  Or I’m going to hate this show.  He sings I Heard It Through the Grapevine.  And he’s fantastic.  I mean really really good.  Paula says it was very soulful.  Kara says, I’m a fan of you Danny.  Simon really liked him.  And Randy says he has crazy great vocals.  So he gets his ticket.  For his girl.

 

Now here’s another montage of all the girls in KC who can’t sing worth a damn.  Wow. 

 

Anup is up next.  Simon calls him Anoopi.  Heeheeheehee.  Apparently he studied folklore or something in college.  This kid does not look like a singer.  He says he’s singing Boys 2 Men and I know it’s going to be awful….but then…..surprise, surprise.  It’s not.  If you closed your eyes and didn’t look at him while he was singing, it was great.  I’m not saying he was ugly or anything, just didn’t look like a singer.  Very nerdy.  Judges think he has a good vibe (that’s Kara’s favorite word), good personality.  Simon said it was all a bit geeky.  Nobody likes his clothes.  Hahahahahaha.  So anyway, he got a ticket.

 

Then they did the montage of that one song they make everyone sing….you know what I’m talking about.  They do it in all the audition shows.  Well, tonight, I can honestly say I had no idea what song it was for a good solid 30 seconds.  Signed, Sealed, Delivered.  Couldn’t recognize what these idiots were trying to sing.  It’s not like it’s some random song I’ve never heard of, either….<shaking my head>  How do you sing something so bad that you can't even recognize it?  Wow.

 

So then we get to see all the gimmicks and costumes and it becomes more and more obvious to me that the producers have cut and chopped and pasted back together the footage they got from these auditions.  Nothing seems to be in the right timeline.  I see people who have already auditioned.  I’m sure they’ve always done this, just seems more obvious this season.  Like they don’t care anymore.  They know they got us.

 

So anyway, Cheerleader Andrew is trying out next.  The Cheerleader is introduced by his own cheerleaders.  That was scary.  They were scary cheerleaders.  Not like out of a horror movie or anything….but I think most cheerleaders are kind of scary.  So Andrew is singing My Girl, and it’s okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  Simon says he wants to say no to all three of them.  Hahahahahaha.  He says the cheerleaders did you no favors.  Randy likes him though.  Paula says sing something else….which he totally butchers.  Randy changes his mind.  The cheerleaders are crying.  And then Kara says…..<big grin>……A plus for effort.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ow, Kara, let me try to pull that knife out that you just buried in my chest.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  "A plus for effort?"  Oh my.  Maybe she can be mean.  Or maybe she just knows how to communicate with cheerleaders.  That’s something I have never learned how to do.

 

Next up is a 28 year old band director for a middle school.  Talk about a thankless job.  He wants to sing Michael Jackson – The Way You Make Me Feel.  Simon warns him that he only gets to sing one song.  And BandMan is like, yeah cool.  Here we go.  And it’s great.  I mean really really great.  MJ songs are very difficult to sing.  People don’t realize what a fantastic singer he was….you know…..before aliens invaded his body.  Simon is confused why BandMan would have picked that song….and he goes….because I like it.  Hahahahahaha.  That made Simon laugh and got him a yes.  Everybody else thinks he’s hot.  You’re going to Hollywood!

 

Next up we have a blonde monk.  I say monk because he’s got one of those monkish haircuts….the kind you get when you cut your own hair.  He says some people have told him he can’t sing….like his mom.  Yeah freakshow, that’s because she loves you and wants to spare you the pain and humiliation you are about to endure.  There is a less than zero chance this guy can sing.  I’m sorry.  He’s just a psycho.  And they can never sing.  He gets in there and starts performing an original song…..some of the lyrics went like this…..if you love me, you’ll stay with me forever.  If you cross that bridge, I’ll hold your heart.   Now….that could have been romantic.  If he wasn’t singing about his MOM.  Now it's weird....and you get the feeling he meant, I'll hold your heart after I carve it out of your cold dead body.  Simon called it gloomy.  Gloomy?  Really?  I can think of a few other words for it.  Like.....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  Maybe you’re right, Norman.  A boy’s best friend is his mother……<shiver>

 

Now we get Dreamin’ Dennis.  And this is the point in the show when the world goes a little off.  Dreamin’ Dennis sings some Chris Brown….Simon didn’t get it.  Me either.  It wasn’t that good.  And then Dennis goes….since we’re all a little confused, he goes, I promise you I can sing very well.  Hahahahahaha.  Oh….well…..if you promise.  Then I guess we’re good.  Simon says no and then Dreamin’ starts a beggin’.  The other judges end up saying yes….<shaking my head>  Maybe he bribed them.

 

Sleepin’ Mia is up next.  The camera guys caught her dozing off all day while she was waiting to audition.  But when she gets in there it is so off key….really painful to listen to people like that….and how can you not hear yourself when you’re that bad?  Seriously?  Simon says, it’s not going well.  Which means hurry up and get out.  Everybody says no.  And then poor Mia goes on a tirade for the cameras.  One of those tirades that we always get during the audition portion about how they made a mistake and someone is going to find her….like the Fame Fairy and magically turn her into a talented singer.  <smile>  Ok.  And then she said one last thing that was completely priceless.  She looks right into the camera and goes, God’s gonna getcha.  <chuckle>  Oh my.

 

One last contestant to go.  If they’re being consistent, this one will make it through to Hollywood too.  Just like yesterday.  Her name is Lil’ Rounds.  I assume her name is actually Lily (that’s a good example of a flower you can name your kids after) but she goes by Lil.  Lil has three kids.  She and her old man had to uproot the whole family when a tornado destroyed their apartment.  She seems resilient.  She also has that good singer charm.  She sings Stevie Wonder, All I Do.  It’s really quite beautiful.  The girls really like her.  Simon almost looked like for a split second he got a little choked up by her performance…then he pulled himself together before anyone noticed and said absolutely fantastic, retro, classic.  Randy said something like yes.  She gets her ticket and leaves.  Simon is still saying how much he loved her.

 

So that’s it for KC.  And for the week.  Four hours of AI8 to get us a started.  The Caps won, by the way.

 

Later gators,

Heather

So we ended the last season of American Idol with my reaffirmation of the American Public’s intelligence.  The guy I wanted to win, won.  So I decided to keep watching the show….much to the Hubby’s chagrin.  The date is January 13, 2009.  “It’s starting!!  It’s starting!!” I scream hysterically at the Hubby who is only about 1 ½ feet away from me on the other couch….that look of torture still plastered on his face.  I am so high on sugar and caffeine right now, I can't feel my legs.  Season Eight has begun.

 

Well sort of….they start off this season with some kind of crazy let’s-all-feel-good-about-ourselves trip down memory lane.  We see all the past seasons, and all the past winners, and the past losers from the past auditions, and tra la la….American Idol has come so far.  Still no one better than Kelly Clarkson, in my opinion….and just when you think the show has fallen off the deep end with this after school special introduction, cut to a group of David Archuleta fans waiting for the announcement of last season’s winner.  This was fan friggin tastic.  You see the contorted little faces of about six little 14-year olds as the wait impatiently for Ryan to stop with the drama and just say the name already…..and then he says David Cook………..and the little coven of Archie fans begins wailing like someone was beating them violently about the head and body with sharp sticks.  It was awesome.  Welcome to the real world, kiddies.  Welcome to a world of constant disappointment.  Heeheehee.

 

Then the producers decide to preview the entire season, it felt like….which of course prompted the obligatory “so, does this mean we still have to watch this s**t?” from the Hubby.  <sigh>  He will never learn.  Here’s Seacrest, back to host another season.  He’s standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, and just for everyone who suffers from vertigo or a fear of heights, he pretends to wobble around like he’s going to fall.  Ahhhhhh…still the dorky loser we all know and love.  That’s wonderful.  The auditions are starting in Phoenix, Arizona.

 

But before we begin, they have a new judge.  If you haven’t been keeping up on your off-season Idol news, then this may have surprised you.  Not me.  Kara Dioguardi is a singer/song writer.  She’s written for everyone, has over 100 hit songs, blah blah blah.  She looks too young to be this successful but whatever….as long as we have a woman on this show that can speak coherently from time to time….that would be nice.  Now, the new judge is not replacing a judge, so that means we have four.  Like the four seasons, or the four elements, four cardinal directions, four suits to playing cards, the Fantastic Four, the Fab Four, the Four Horsemen....lots of things come in fours......except majority decisions.  So this should be interesting.

 

So let’s get it started!!  They picked a real winner for the first contestant.  And of course by winner, I mean loser.  Twon the Tap-Dancing Fool.  He says he’s Vietnamese…but I highly doubt it.  He has a ridiculous Afro and he does this weird Mr. Roboto dancing that makes me want to hit him in the face.  But, this is the first chance we get to see the judges.  Simon’s buzz cut looks a little art deco.  Paula looks great, as usual.  Randy looks like he’s gained some weight again…don’t worry about it Dawg, I won’t judge you.  Except you’re sweating all over the place….and that’s kind of gross.  Twon sings and of course he’s awful.  Simon starts rubbing it in…how do you think you did?  You think ya did well?  Sorry, it’s a no.  Twon looks devastated and I am feeling remarkably at peace with the world.

 

Next up is Emily something with the Pink hair and National Geographic-stretch out-your-ear-lobes things in her ears.  Seriously….why do people do that?  I don’t think you can fix that if you ever decide to take them out.  It’s not like pierced ears that just heal and go away….you’re doing permanent damage….<shaking my head>.  People are so bizarre.  Anyway, she sings Barracuda and it sounds pretty good.  It didn’t take my breath away or anything….but pretty good.  She’s apparently in a band, and Simon starts preparing her for ruining her bandmates' lives….he really is the Devil.  <evil grin>  Paula calls her top 5, which is interesting….since we’ve only seen like 2 people audition.  Randy says one hundred million percent yes.  <sigh>  No such thing....Randy.....And she gets her golden ticket.

 

Next up is Rock-in-a-Box.  He says he’s a rock star….but not really….he cries too much to be a rocker.  He cries too much to be normal really.  He cries so much that it’s making me uncomfortable.  Then he called himself a comet and explained that he would burn out in a blaze of glory………………..dude.  It takes like 10,000 years for a comet to fade.  You, sir, are a moron.  And a terrible singer.  Simon calls him wimpy.  <chuckle>  So then he tries again….so pathetic.  Now Simon calls him very clichéd.  And then he starts crying again and Simon says, stop being a drama queen.  Paula is flipping Simon off because she thinks he’s being rude and he’s making her tell the guy no.  Rock Box tells Seacrest he has no more tears…but that’s a lie.  He cries all the way out the door.

 

JB something is singing now.  One of the good ones.  Simon tells him to loosen up.  Paula has that delirious smile on her face.  Everybody likes him.  Welcome to Hollywood.

 

Michael Grrrrrrrrrrrrr….which cannot possibly be this kid’s real name….maybe it’s his screen name.  He’s very anxious.  In fact….this kid should most definitely be on some kind of medication.  And the voice that comes out of him sounds so disturbing.  One of those not-really-singing singing voices.  I don’t even know how to describe it.  It all came out of his nose….a little bit Wicked Witch of the West….and a little bit Sponge Bob.  <shaking my head>  Simon said he didn’t understand a word the kid was saying.  Paula said, me too.  Me too!!  After they get him out of the room, he collapses in the hall…and Seacrest goes, we’ll see if he makes it, after the break.  You jackass, Ryan.  Like he’s going to die from a panic attack….

 

More bad singers and the Hubby is covering his ears and mumbling to himself.  Then he flips on the TV guide and scans through all the sports channels looking for something to distract him.  There is absolutely nothing on.  Oh well….

 

Next up is some guy who calls himself Xray.  Simon hates him right off the bat.  The guy is really hyped up.  Dancing around and singing a little crazy.  Entertaining, but his voice was no good.  He did get Randy dancing around in his chair.  He was singing something he wrote called, Cactus Baby.  Hahahahahaha.  That’s terrible.  Poor Kara is speechless.  Didn’t know it would be this bad, didja?  Paula says no and when this loser just keeps on singing….Security has to show him out.  Pretty much guaranteeing they would show him on TV, so good job Xray.  Mission accomplished.

 

Next, we get to meet Saint Ariana.  Saint Ariana is a 16 year old who organized a group called Adopt-a-Grandfriend.  It’s a group of kids who going to nursing homes and do nice things for old lonely people.  She makes it sound cool because she calls the old lonely people sens (pronounced ‘scenes’ as in seniors).  This is so sweet it makes me want to vomit.  And she’s adorable.  And she starts singing…and immediately Simon has that look.  That look that says, I don’t care what anybody else in this room says, it’s a yes.  Gotta get mean, honey.  This is a competition.

 

So that’s Day 1 in Phoenix…9 other golden tickets were given away.

 

Day 2 starts with the deepest lowest voice I have ever heard in my life.  His name is Elijah.  Well….of course it is.  Simon says, I bet you’re not in tele-sales.  Hahahahahaha….Brits call telemarketing ‘tele-sales’.  Hahahahahaha.  That’s so cute!!  Elijah has a big smile and he looks nice but he should not be singing with that voice.  It sounds real bad.  I mean REAL bad.  Simon says that was like something out of a horror movie.  And then Paula….because she’s really not as nice as she pretends to be….says you should do monster voiceovers for horror movies!  And she says it like it’s a great suggestion and he should be thanking her for the advice…..hahahahaha….oh, what a train wreck.

 

Leah Marie has invaded our TV screens now.  She is the pink cowgirl from Hades.  She thinks she sounds like Hilary Duff and Madonna…..mmmmmm…..I’m guessing she doesn’t.  Nobody this annoying is ever a good singer.  They’re just not.  She is Kara’s number one fan and she brings in her book of 100 songs to show Kara how psycho, I mean devoted she is…..I’ve never heard of the song she sang but it was completely flat and completely through her nose.  Do people realize they’re doing that?  Simon is rolling his eyes all over the place.  Then he tells her it was terrible.  Then she deludes herself into thinking some of the judges may not be sure about how terrible she is…..wow…I’m not sure she ever truly accepted their rejection.  Crazy people usually can’t.

 

Next up is a girl called Stevie Wright.  And you know what, after seven seasons of this show….you can start to spot the good singers before they even sing.  This girl looks like a good singer.  I don’t know if it’s some kind of production voodoo they’re doing on this show, because it’s not like they put halos around the girl and a soundtrack of angels singing….she just looks like a good singer.  She sings and Simon smiles and nods and its bluesy and wonderful and everybody loves her.  Simon says, you need to be more selfish.  <snicker>  Good advice.

 

Michael the Roughneck is up next.  If you don’t know, roughnecks are oil drillers.  And this guy looks like an oil driller.  He’s HUGE.  Simon calls him the complete opposite of Ryan Seacrest.  <chuckle>  Then he sings some Boys 2 Men, and it was oddly good.  The guy has a good voice….just doesn’t seem like it should be coming out of his body.  The girls love him, Kara and Paula call him sensitive.  Simon says he has likeability.  So he’s going to Hollywood too.

 

More bad singers.

 

Time for Bikini Girl.  She walks up to Seacrest outside the audition room and says, look at my hands!  And he goes, wow, I didn’t even see your hands.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh, men are so easy.  She does look great in the bikini…unfortunately, she knows it.  Randy and Simon are loving it.  Simon wasn’t even listening to her sing.  She’s singing one of Kara’s songs and Kara doesn’t like it.  She says, I don’t want you to think I’m saying this because you’re pretty…..hahahahahahaha……MEOW……..come on, Kara.  Women are catty catty creatures.  Own it.  Don’t deny it!!  I hated this girl as soon as they showed her on the screen.  I could’ve cared less if she rescued puppies from the pound AND had a little brother with cancer that she wanted to help by winning this competition.  HATE HER.  Then Kara starts singing the same song to show the girl she’s terrible…and the girl goes that wasn’t any better than my version….and Paula jumps out of her chair and is like, Oh No You Di-idn’t.  Dear Jesus, they are making this into a circus.  So Randy and Simon of course say yes….which did answer the question of what they do when the vote is split.  Apparently you only need two votes to get through….because this little disgusting untalented pig is going to Hollywood.  Meow.

 

Sexual Chocolate.  That’s his nickname.  Tattoos look cool on black guys….but come on.  If you have a nickname that stupid, don’t TATTOO it on yourself!  <shaking my head>  Not to mention that you’ve got all the AI producers background check red flags waving wildly around with a nickname like that.  Lucky for us, he can’t sing.

 

Everybody is crying.  HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Suckers.  That’s what you get for trying.  None of your friends or family really love you or they would have saved you from the humiliation of trying.  Too bad.

 

Next up is Great Personality.  Hmmmmm….having a “great personality” is such a kiss of death.  Especially when that’s the first thing people say about you.  We are a shallow materialistic society….we don’t notice you have a great personality first, we notice that you’re ugly/untalented/annoying first and then consciously decide not to tell you that because we’re pretending to be nice.  Except of course, this girl wasn’t annoying with all the exuberance…..and I don’t say that very often.  Happy people are extremely annoying to me.  She sings and she’s ok.  Simon says no….then she calls him Simey.  <big smile>  Simey?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  She sings Killing Me Softly with Simon complaining through the whole thing and she is so sweet and so nice.  But Randy says no.  Kara says, I have to pass.  Paula of course says yes.  And then Simon does something completely unexpected.  He changed his mind.  Huh.  What’s this, then?  A softer kinder side to Simon?  We can’t have that.  I mean, that’s great, give her a free trip to Hollywood.  She won’t make it past that, though.  She hugs Simon and then practically screeches when she hugs Paula.  Hahahaha….I hope that reminded him that kindness is hardly ever repaid.

 

Then we get to see a montage of all the families.  All the crazy screaming families.  Cut to Deanna.  She doesn’t have her family here, none of them could come.  So she adopts a family, recruiting strangers in the lobby.  This girl also looks like a good singer.  She has that quiet confidence about her.  And she has spooky pretty eyes.  She sings Dock of the Bay, which a favorite….so don’t mess it up Deanna.  Wow….she really didn’t.  It was fantastic.  Everybody loves her.  And her family screams when they find out, which we can hear through the cell phone.  <smile>

 

Horror Movie is up next.  Another weird looking kid.  This kid is creepy….like torture small animals creepy…..and his singing was ok.  But they gave him a ticket anyway.  Probably didn’t want to be hacked up in their sleep….ok….I guess I can understand that.

 

Simon apparently has been entertaining himself by asking all of the contestants what three countries they would be popular in.  Naturally, the majority of people list off the names of cities….not countries.  <sigh>  Public education in America is so..........sad.  Until we get to the Smart Alec who lists off three countries practically nobody has heard of.  Hmmmm….a fellow nerd.  I have high hopes for this guy.  Then he tells a story to the camera about how he taught himself to sing in a closet….except there was mold in the closet…..and that ended up making him sick…..so it probably wasn’t a good idea…..heeheeheehee….He sings Baby Come to Me by James Ingram…..I like this kid.  Alex Hyphen something.  He has a good voice, but more importantly, an extremely sarcastic wit.  Simon said it didn’t work.  So, Alex says, well I can sing God Save the Queen except I don’t know the words.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Trust me.  That’s hysterical.  Randy calls him Joe Cocker and then Simon says, more like cocker spaniel….and Alex goes, well that would have been funny if it made any sense.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I LOVE this kid!!  He gets a ticket, and this kid is my favorite so far.

 

Another bunch of bad singers.

 

Last up for tonight is the Blind Guy.  Sorry, but..........he’s blind so that’s what I’m calling him.  He plays the piano.  Scott something.  He’s wearing a ‘Mind the Gap’ t-shirt….which is also funny and ironic…..for a blind guy.  So anyway, he sings some Billy Joel.  And I’m glad they gave him a ticket because he’s good and not because he’s blind.  Because he was good.  Then Seacrest tries to high five him.  <sigh>  You suck, Ryan.  You really do.

 

Ok.  So that was the first city of auditions….much much more to come!!

 

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

 

Later gators,

Heather

"When do the rules of engagement end and the crimes begin?"

 

We're on to 10 a.m.  The White House is getting briefed on the situation.  Tony is being taken to FBI headquarters, he was working for the Juma regime.  The Colonel is apparently called the 'Butcher of Sangala'.  Ewwwwwww.  So the Butcher gives the threat message to the President.  Pull your troops out of Sangala or we'll be using the computer whatchamacallit to terrorize your country. (Aside - he knew the name of it).  Here is the point in the show, and my life, that I learned you cannot rebuild a firewall quickly.  That's one of those pieces of information that will needlessly take up space in my brain.  Awesome.  So anyway, the relevant point here was that the Butcher needs confirmation of the troop withdrawal by satellite photo in three hours.

 

Agent Larry has Tony in the helicopter, and everybody is headed back to the FBI.  Agent Larry wants to know why Agent Eye Candy went off on her own and she tells him about the Bad Agent.  Jack says to limit access to Tony.  Larry says keep me in the loop.  Fake-Chloe gets told about the security leak and she's responsible for finding it.  The other guy, Sean, looks skeptical of her explanation for the heightened security....it is skeptical or suspicious?

 

David is talking to the Butcher and explains that Tony is in FBI custody.  The Butcher says don't bother trying to get him out, just use someone else to do his job.  Uh oh Tony....sounds like they're hanging you out to dry.  Then Agent Larry finds out about Juma and the blackmail.  Jack says, I can get your device.  Let me talk to Tony.  You don't have any other options.  And of course he's right and of course Agent Larry reluctantly agrees because Jack is using jedi mind tricks to make these people bend to his will.  So Jack talks to Tony.  He asks about three questions before he's screaming in Tony's face.  And then Tony says, every second you are helping them you are spitting on Teri's grave (the first wife).  That made Jack mad and now he's choking Tony.  Tony whispers something to him before Jack is pulled off.  I didn't hear it, but then Jack makes a phone call.  Guess who answers the phone?  Just guess.  RoboBill!!!  Bringing back more old characters, I can hardly stand it.  RoboBill is in on this....what the hell is going on!  And then he steps back, wherever he is, and we see Chloe!!!  The real Chloe!!!  Holy hell.  CTU is gone....so who are they working for?  RoboBill tells Chloe or Jack or somebody (I am completely flustered) that they have to get Tony back undercover.....<long pause>.....WHAT!!!  Undercover!!!

 

Back at the White House and Kanin (the Chief of Staff or whatever he is) is talking to the First Man, Papa Taylor.  He says you need to back off, Roger did commit suicide.  He was about to be investigated by the SEC for insider trading...because of knowledge he got from the President....that's why he committed suicide.  Ok, so now Papa is sad.  Apparently, the President knew all of this just didn't tell him.  Then the girlfriend calls and says, Roger was murdered.  Meet me somewhere alone.  Yeah....we knew he was murdered honey.  No suprise there.  So the President is talking to him now about her impossible choice.  Impossible?  Americans versus Sangalans?  How is that impossible?  Save the Americans, of course.  Sangala isn't even a real country....

 

So back to RoboBill and this amazing turn of events.  Tony is in deep cover.  He was supposed to be near the computer thing at all times.  Ohhhhhh....they're calling it the Device, so I will too.  RoboBill tells Jack that people in the government are in on this conspiracy, so they have no shepherd, no agency covering them.  RoboBill and Chloe are on their own.  AWESOME!  Chloe says, I can't believe the way they were talking to you on CSPAN...but you looked good.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh, I missed her.  So it's some kind of rogue mission.  Coolest thing ever.  They are the Mod Squad. 

 

At the FBI, Sean is acting really fishy.  Fake-Chloe says he looks confused....but she really means dumb.  Larry is trying to interrogate Tony, but dude, you are soooooooooooooo out of your league.  Agent Eye Candy says, listen, you're getting nowhere.  Why don't we torture him?  Hahahahahahaha...Jack is having a bad influence on her.  But it makes sense to me.  Agent Larry is disgusted and says get Bauer out of this building immediately before you fall even more head over heals in love with him.  What a loser.  So Fake Chloe thinks she found the leak, but she needs to go down to the server room to get the userID.  Oh NO!!!  Don't go down there!!!  People DIE in the server room all the time!!  She finds out it's Sean (obviously) and then he magically mysteriously shows up.  She doesn't even try to act nonchalant, she just says What the f**k?  Well....that's not actually what she said, but you get the idea.  Sean comes up with some lie about his wife on a plane and he was checking on her and of course Fake-Chloe believes him, not realizing how close she just came to getting whacked.  He's so lying to you.  Agent Eye Candy tries to debrief Jack, but he puts her in a sleeper hold and knocks her out.  Woooooohoooooo!  This is getting FUN!  Jack goes to get Tony, who is still being interrogated by Agent Larry.  Jack ends up punching him in the face.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Hate that guy.  Chloe is leading them out by surveilling the surveillance cameras that she just happened to be able to hack into.  RoboBill is going to pick them up.  No problem.  Then Fake-Chloe realizes someone is hacking in to the system.....so she and Back-stabbing Sean try to get Chloe out of the system.  Then Fake-Chloe sees the bodies lying all over the building after she looks at the surveillance feeds.  She calls security.  Alarms go off.  And now Jack and Tony are in trouble.  Fake-Chloe knocks the real Chloe out of the system, and now she's blind.  So Jack and Tony start towards the exit.  Fake Chloe finds them and security is on the way.  Then the real Chloe gets the cameras back up and warns them.  So Jack breaks a window and they're on the roof of the parking garage.  There's a shootout in the garage.  Tony gets out while Jack fires cover.  Then Jack hotwires a car and runs right over the ledge of the parking garage.  RoboBill shows up just in time and they get away.  Jack wants to know what the hell is going on.  You just escaped the FBI in the most kick ass way, Jack.  That is what the hell is going on.

 

So Chloe is jamming FBI servers so they can't use DOT cameras to track RoboBill's van.  The Super Sniper is still unconscious.  And the White House is so pissed.  Catching Tony and Jack is your only priority, you screw-up.  Hahahahahaha...poor Agent Larry.  The President realizes that the FBI is useless, that she is running out of options and time.....but hey, a lot can happen in one hour.

 

RoboBill takes Jack and Tony to the Secret Lair.  Tony explains he was dead for ten minutes.  <long pause>  So he's kind of brain damaged.  Or he's a ghost.  Or he's a zombie.  TEN MINUTES!!  That's ridiculous.  This David person revived him....yeah with some kind of mutant virus developed by the Umbrella Corporation.  What a freak.  So Tony fit the profile (brain dead zombie) for David's new task force of bad guys and he was apparently really working for him for about three years.  And super self-righteous Jack is of course disgusted by this....then Tony realized what the Device was for but that there was too much corruption in the government to believe it would be pursued, so Tony goes back undercover with the IT mensa genius Chloe at his side and RoboBill leading the way.  Jack wants to help and says, who else is working with you.  Blank stares.  It's just them.  Great, the odds look wonderful.  Do you have proof?  Hmmmmmm....a little.....but you're gonna have to trust us.  Jack says, let me think about it.  Just kidding!!!  Tony calls David and tells him that Jack busted him out of the FBI and wants to join their little gang.  David says, come on down.  He might have actually bought it....

 

Back-stabbing Sean gets a call from his wife....who IS on a plane (crap, that wasn't a lie) and tells her not to worry and call him when she lands.  Then we meet Erica, the Blonde Agent...who had nothing important to contribute to the scene.  Fake-Chloe is going with Agent Eye Candy to interrogate the Super Sniper before his lawyers get there.  Then Back-stabbing Sean is pretending to be Agent Larry to get his wife's plane landed earlier.  Wow.  That is super illegal and you bet your ass my husband better do the exact same thing if we're ever in that situation.....

 

Tony and Jack get to David's Evil Bad Guy Hideout.  Tony says, David is about money and loyalty.  But David wants to talk to Tony alone, sends Jack to the basement.  He doesn't want Jack in on the operation, he's not worth the risk.  Poor Chloe says, I think they're going to kill him.  And RoboBill is like.....yeah.....I knew that might happen.....oh well.  So before they can kill him, Jack beats up some of the bad guys holding him and because he is so impressed, David kills the guys Jack beat up.  Good job!  You're in!!

 

Cut back for more White House filler.  As usual....this is like the break in the show so you can catch your breath after all the Jack-action.  PM Mutobo is pleading with the President for help.  The President finds out Kanin kept some info from her that might make her go ahead with plans to attack Juma....hmmm....sounds like he's pulling your strings, lady.

 

So David is talking to Jack now and wants to know what he was looking for while he was travelling around the world.  And why the hell did you come back?  Why'd you turn yourself in?  Hmmmmm....good question.  Make it good, Jack.  Jack says, I wanted to come clean, to set the record straight.  David empathizes.  Then Tony says, don't underestimate him Jack.  So the new operation, the last operation, is to abduct PM Mutobo and bring him to the Butcher.  Poor Chloe says, oh, we have to stop this, we can't let that man be tortured.  And RoboBill is like.....yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah we can.  We have to get to the bottom of this.  Big picture, Chloe, BIIIIIIIIIIG PICTURE.

 

So Papa Taylor meets the girlfriend.  His Secret Service guy is around, but can't be seen.  She tells him that Roger was an auditor (well....s**t) looking for kickbacks but he found something else.  He found massive amounts of trading in Sangala and accounts belonging to a senior member of the President's administration.  That's right, he did.  Because auditors are freakin' amazing people.  Apparently the investments were betting against the President succeeding in a campaign against Juma.  So someone is trying to sabotage her efforts....but we knew that.  Then we see the SS spying on the whole transaction...I don't trust that guy either now.

 

Agent Eye Candy and Fake-Chloe are at the hospital interrogating the Super Sniper.  Where's the Device?  Where's Tony?  He doesn't say anything, so she gets ugly and tries to be Jack.  Which freaks out Fake-Chloe and Eye Candy is like....you gotta help me....forget your morals and ethics....I've seen Jack get away with this for years.  So Fake Chloe is in charge of stalling the lawyers while Eye Candy cuts off the guy's air supply.  It's harder than it looks, isn't it?  She got some kind of info but doesn't say anything as they rush out of the hospital.  She calls Agent Larry and tells him about the plot to abduct PM Mutobo.  She says we can intersect Tony and Jack before they get there.  The FBI calls the Embassy where Mutobo is, but it's too late.  Jack, Tony and David show up and shoot up everything.  But they don't get to Mutobo before he locks himself in a safe room.  No way in.  But everything depends on getting this guy out of the room.....I'm sure they'll think of something....

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

"You have no idea what I do."

 

Now it's time for the real show.  No more mini-movie/teaser/remember-this-show-cause-it-hasn't-been-on-in-a-million-years stuff.  Just good old fashioned 24.  The worst day in the life of one Jack Bauer.  I'm glad it's finally starting.  I have high expectations this season, especially after the last season.  We'll see.  Jack will be a welcome diversion to the 800 hours of football I have watched over the last two weeks.  Bowl Week is the Hubby's way of getting back at me for American Idol.  The BCS makes no sense to me now....which I guess means I have watched enough college football to understand.

 

We're starting off the day at 8 a.m.  We're on the road with Dr. Phlox from Enterprise.  That's Star Trek for all of you who aren't sci-fi nerds.  Phlox is in a car crash and then he's abducted.  That woke me up immediately.  Now that my adrenaline is pumping and my blood pressure is too high, now let's take a look at Jack being interrogated by the Government about all his shady doings at CTU in the past.  He's representing himself.  Never a good idea, people.  Always get yourself a good lawyer.  Jack explains that he doesn't care if he's on trial.  The ends justify the means.  He regrets nothing.  Sure ya do, Jack.  You regret Audrey....don't try and pretend like you don't....and don't pretend like we've never seen this show before.  Then the FBI walks into the hearing and says, sorry.  We need him.  National emergency, or some such.  Jack has to be back in court in the morning.  Remember that....when this season is over, he'll be heading back to court to stand trial.

 

Phlox is apparently some IT genius in this show.  He developed firewalls for Homeland Security.  I know nothing about computers....you're lucky I managed to figure out this blog site....so don't expect me to get the lingo right.  Here's where we meet Janeane Garafalo, though.  Seems like a Chloe character to me.  I like her though...I hope she survives the show.  Back to Phlox and he's been beaten up pretty bad.  The people who kidnapped him have him doing some computer mumbo jumbo.  The Bad Guys have the airlines on line.  <pause>  Really?  Airplanes?  I guess seven years is long enough for airplane terrorism not to be taboo anymore...but it still makes me queasy. 

 

So the FBI want Jack's help.  Not because they think he's better than they are (which he is) but because he knows the Bad Guy behind everything.  It's Tony.  Back from the dead.  He didn't really die.  You didn't see him actually die, Jack.  We dug up his grave and everything.  This feels kind of soap opera to me...but I'll go with it.  I like it when they bring old characters back.  Even dead ones.

 

Twenty minutes in and we're at the White House.  The President's talking about the genocide going on in the fake country of Sangala.  They may as well have called it Darfur.  Taylor is meeting with the Joint Chiefs to discuss the battle plan there.  If she looks familiar to you, you've probably seen the movie Ocean's Twelve.  She was Matt Damon's mom.  So anyway, in about three minutes we learn that her husband is a wreck because their son killed himself.  Roger killed himself?  No chance.  I'm guessing he was whacked.  The Secretary of State...or Defense....I didn't hear which one, doesn't agree with the President's plan to stop the genocide.  Hmmmmm....sounds backwards doesn't it.  After she tells him to shove it, she gets an update on Phlox and the FAA.  The First Man (is that what we'd call him?), who has been in a thousand different sci-fi shows and movies. is talking to some reporter when he gets a call from a private dick about his son's alleged suicide.  Apparently the girlfriend got some money a couple days after the kid died.

 

Ok, so Jack of course agrees to help the FBI.  I can't believe Tony is the one who cracked...I was so sure it would be Jack, gone all crazy on us.....Fake-Chloe (Janeane) is getting all panicky about the possibilities of the world collapsing if the terrorists get their way....<shaking my head>.....can't really be worrying about that, now can you?  Jack gets into the head FBI guy's face and that was cool.  He had that 'I can kill you if I blink too fast' look on his face.  That's right, sucker.  Agent Eye Candy convinces him that Jack should go with her...well, naturally....how else is he going to get in the middle of the action.  They are on their way to find some old associate that Jack and Tony used for info in the past.  It's Scar guy....this real guy has a cool story if you've never heard it.  The scar is from a mugging.  He almost died.  Acting was a suggestion from a friend after his recovery.  He worked for three years in some tiny middle-of-nowhere theater before Mel Gibson found him.  I don't think the guy has stopped working since.  Anyway, on their way to see Scar, Jack tries to convince Agent Eye Candy that Tony is still a good guy.

 

So they try to get Scar to talk the nice way, and then the guy lawyers up after denying that Tony is even alive.  Jack starts his screaming thing and Agent Eye Candy says, do what you have to do.  Hmmm...not a good idea, hon.  Jack might yank the guy's fingers off with a cigar cutter....he has been known to do that.  But the guy is a big scaredy cat and is just about to talk and tell them everything they need to know when he is most inconveniently shot by a sniper from like a million miles away.  Seriously....that guy was on the roof of another building.  Then Tony calls.  He tells Jack to get away from this, there is nothing you can do.  Don't taunt him like that Tony!  You'll only make it worse for yourself!

 

Back to air traffic control and Tony is talking to a plane, telling it to change course.  That just gives me the eebie geebies....seriously.  And that's the end of the first hour.

 

So Jack tells Agent Eye Candy that the FBI must have a bad agent.  Someone knew about this and tipped off the bad guys.  He is so friggin paranoid!  I don't know...is it paranoia if you're right?  Maybe not.  Back at air traffic control and Tony has two planes on an intersect course.  They ALMOST crash when Tony tells one of them to pull up.  This was a test...just to scare the crap out of you.  That sucked.  It really did.  I don't like the planes being involved....not at all.

 

Time for a new character.  He shows up at some docks, which apparently is where the Evil Hide Out is....Tony calls him David.  Three years they've been doing this and now they're on the last job.  Has it been three years since Tony died?  Not sure about that....they cut back to the White House, but nothing really interesting is happening there....so fill in the blanks yourself if you didn't watch it.

 

Back at Scar's building and they're still trying to find the Super Sniper.  The agent baby-sitting Jack says, you don't deserve to be treated this way.  No s**t.  Thank you SOMEBODY for saying this....cause you know there are people like this in our world.  People who do evil awful things that keep us safe.  People who don't get medals or maybe even tombstones when they die....I don't want to know them or what they're doing, but thank you.  Stay on the wall.  Let me sleep at night.  While they're searching for the Super Sniper, we find out that Agent Leonard is the Bad Agent.  He lets Super Sniper go and gives him an FBI jacket so he can slip out of the building.  But Jack conveniently sees the guy's shoes and immediately identifies him as a Bad Guy.  So lucky for the FBI that he is there....and lucky that guy wasn't wearing black shoes. 

 

Now we're back at the Evil Hide Out and we find out that Tony and David and the computer thingamajig is for General Juma, to blackmail the President into backing out of her plans to send troops into Sangala.  Nice.  That's a nice neat little package.  Now at least they tied in the mini-movie a little more.  Back at the FBI and Agent Larry obviously loves Agent Eye Candy and is annoyed that she is out cavorting around with the irrestible Jack Bauer.  Fake-Chloe tracks her down after several very Chloe-esque impertinent questions.  Agent Eye Candy is asking Jack how far he would have gone with Scar...really?  Do you really want to know that?  I don't think you do.  Jack says, back off lady.  I'll get the job done.  No questions.  Hahahahaha....

 

The First Man is questioning Roger's girlfriend about the money she got after his son's suicide.  She claims she was hiding money from the IRS for her aunt.  Yeah right....I've heard that one before....the old hiding money for your aunt line....ok.  Papa goes a little nuts and his security guy pulls him away.  I like that this is not really a second storyline...that would have gotten confusing. 

 

Back at the docks and Super Sniper has the specs for the last part of the Evil Bad Guy Plan, but Tony can't hear about it until Super Sniper gets there.  Agent Eye Candy gives Jack a gun because she has clearly been seduced by his Rambo charm.  Super Sniper hears something before he goes in to the boat, investigates and then gets walloped by Jack.  Jack beats the crap out of the guy....but he's the one you want!!  Then he shoots the camera.  Then he infiltrates the boat.  Kills everyone.  Ends up in a fist fight with Tony, which was actually pretty cool....then he has a Point Break moment when he can't actually shoot Tony because he loves him too much.  Then he beats him up some more....it's no use Tony....Jack is a killing machine.  The FBI helicopter shows up just after they would've been useful.  Now Agent Larry is on to Agent Eye Candy's lies.  And Jack asks Tony, what happened to you?

 

Yeah.  What happened to you Tony?  When did you turn to the dark side?  He looked like he'd been on a four day bender at the end of the show....right? 

 

So anyway, the Golden Globes were on last night too.  Kiefer was nominated for Redemption...which was kind of weird, I thought.  He lost to Giamatti though.  Now Jack Bauer is going to kill John Adams.  <chuckle>

 

More 24 tonight.  Two more hours!!  Holy cow.

Later gators,

Heather

“I don’t know yet is better than here.”

 

The mini-movie aired in December.  It makes more sense now that the season has started.  It was called “Redemption”.  According to Oxford, redemption is something that saves someone from error or evil.  Is this the season that Jack is finally saved?  I doubt it.  The writers of this show seem to wallow in the fact that he will never be saved.  He saves everyone, but himself.  It would be nice though, for a change…..

 

Events occur in real time.

 

It starts in Sangala.  That’s in Africa, you uneducated twerps.  Hahahahaha….just kidding.  It’s not really in Africa.  They made this up, so don’t try to sound smart by using that tidbit at a party.  Some group of awful men are “recruiting” killer kids for their army.  At one of their rallies, they make one of the kids kill some guy.  Oh…come on.  That’s so evil.  General Juma is the bad guy….I don’t know if this guy screaming is Juma….because crazy people do generally speak about themselves in third person….I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

 

Somebody is delivering a federal subpoena.  Cut to a different group of kids, normal kids not killer kids.  Not killers, but apparently one of them is thief.  He’s stealing stuff out of somebody’s backpack that we learn belongs to Jack.  Ahhhhh….Jack.  This is where you ended up?  So the subpoena is for him apparently but he’s not interested.  No silly subpoena is going to affect our Jack.  His friend, who runs the home for this group of kids, gets threatened by the Fed.  Hmmm…foul play.  We don’t really need a reason to hate the Fed; the guy looks like a jerk already with those glasses.

 

Jon Voigt is a bad guy too, offering the Colonel in Sangala some professional soldiers but he declines.  The killer kids are good enough.  Voigt is in some brokerage firm and he’s doing some dirty business.  Hiding money.  And then we meet the schlub who’s going to actual hide it.  Or erase it, rather.  I can already tell the schlub is expendable….after six seasons of this show I can spot them so easily.  He may not even survive the mini-movie.

 

Back in Africa, the Carl the Friend wants to talk to Jack.  He’s not going back.  Carl says you can’t keep running but Jack wants his freedom.  So now he’s going to leave Carl to make it better for everyone.  Now they hear that Juma is stealing kids in town.  The UN guy is unconvinced but they decide to go to town to get the kids back just in case.  In town…the kids are in trouble.  The killers show up to get them and the kids run but they don’t get far.  Willy’s brother Desmond is shot when he tries to get away. 

 

Hmmmm…new characters.  The schlub calls some guy named Roger for help because he thinks he’s in trouble.  Good call schlub.  Chris the schlub is a friend and Roger wants to help him.  Roger is apparently the new President’s son.  Cut to the President.  It is inauguration day.  The Weasel runs in to her and explains the Sangala problem.  The prime minister of Sangala wants help from the US.  Daniels, the old president meets with Taylor, the new president.  She wants to send troops, he thinks it’s a bad idea.  As expected they don’t get along.

 

Back in Sangala, Carl finds the dead boys in town.  Well, one is dead but Desmond has just been shot.  Willy wants to go with Jack, to go to America, but Jack of course says no.  Carl calls Jack and tells him what is going on and says get the boys to safety.  It takes all of three seconds for Jack to spring into action.  The boys get in some kind of bunker in the floor and Jack gets a gun.  The kid killers show up and Jack starts blowing them up.  Awesome, one guy against like 30 and it doesn’t seem very fair….to them.  Of course, they are firing rocket launchers at him.  Jack is killing them Rambo-style, knife in hand.  They end up catching him finally after he knocks off about 17 of them….I mean it does have to be somewhat realistic, right? 

 

The embassy in Sangala is evacuating people.  Carl calls for help, but none coming from the embassy and the jerky Fed.  Jack is being tortured….hehehehehehe….that’s a joke.  You can’t torture, Jack!  They burn his ear though….that was really unnecessary….especially the sizzling sound effect.  Jack sends the bad guys into the jungle so Carl can kill them.  When the bad guy is distracted, Jack strangles him with his knee….now, that’s just silly.  With his knee, hands tied up!!  Come on!!!  So, they’re taking the kids to the embassy.  Oh and thanks for getting tortured again, Jack.  You’re awesome.  Apparently, the torture has given Jack new priorities.  He wants to help Carl and the kids get into town.  Well of course he does.

 

Chris the schlub is now at Roger’s house.  He tells Roger about the brokerage firm and the erased files.  The account holder is on the terrorist watch list…..hmmm….you are in trouble schlub.  Chris wants to take it straight it to mum, the President.  He kept all the records, so he has evidence.  Chris is going to send the files to Roger.  What a dumb dumb. 

 

Juma shows up at the Colonel’s camp.  Jack apparently killed the Colonel’s brother….and so now it’s ON.  Carl, Jack and the kids can’t drive into town because now they are being hunted.

 

The old president is handing over everything to the new president.  The new president does weird things with her lips when she talks…it’s very distracting.  She thinks Daniels is acting strange about the whole Sangala thing….kind of early to be paranoid. 

 

The schlub is back at his apartment sending the files to Roger the President’s son.  But it’s never that easy on this show…is it?  Mysterious guys with guns show up…and now you’re in trouble.  And by trouble, I mean dead of course.  Roger is not telling the girlfriend anything.  Unfortunately it looks like Roger’s secret service agent is in on it….naturally.

 

Carl and Jack are walking through the Sangala jungle with the kids.  Jack tries to leave again….but it’s too late.  The bad guys are here, so Jack can’t leave yet.  Carl saves one of the kids from a land mine, but ends up stepping on one himself.  Oh.  This is not going to end well.  Stupid kid.  No time to disarm the mine…Carl tells Jack to go.  Again.  He gives Jack the sponsorship papers to get the kids out of Sangala.  Poor Carl.  Poor dead Carl.  He distracts the Colonel’s men and then….boom.  Jack does look upset when he hears the explosion.  Another friend dead, Jack. 

 

Jack gets the kids into the city, which only took like an hour and forty-five minutes of the show.  So close.  There are people in the city on the lookout, though.  And now everybody’s shooting at everybody.  Jack against them all….so unfair.  But then there’s a kid pointing a gun at him.  That is unfair.  I don’t think even Jack could shoot some kid in the head.  Jack talks him down to save us from that dilemma.  The kid runs away, which is probably a good thing because he didn’t have any papers for that kid.

 

Back at the inauguration and mom shows up to be inaugurated.  Jon Voight is in the crowd with Roger’s secret service agent.  They’re talking about Roger and whether he knows anything….things aren’t looking good for Roger now.

 

Jack gets to the embassy.  Here’s a hard choice for you Jack.  Surrender yourself so the kids can get saved.  That’s not really a choice though, is it?  This is redemption, people.  Jack’s redemption?  I don’t know.  Jack is Redemption in this episode.  He saves those kids from evil.  And now he’s off to be tried for torturing people.  I don’t see anyone saving Jack anytime soon.

 

The mini-movie ends with the President being sworn in.  <sigh>  Good luck, lady.

 

One little Soldier boy left all alone;

He went out and hanged himself and then there were none.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Hello everybody and happy New Year.  I know it’s been a million years since I’ve written anything on this stupid website…but I took a real vacation this year.  Well, not a real vacation.  I didn’t go anywhere…but when is going somewhere ever really a vacation?  No, I stayed home and relaxed.  Doing nothing is surprisingly relaxing.  Staying away from the computer for a good solid two weeks was relaxing as well.  Of course, the two weeks I was taking my fake vacation happened to coincide with Christmas and New Year’s and this time of year is never completely void of stress….but I handle it pretty well, I think.  The 2’s decided to do a ‘secret Santa’ gift exchange this year…which did not end up being secret for very long, which wasn’t very surprising considering the 2’s.  So, I had significantly fewer presents to buy this year…which was good because of the money….but not good for me because I like to shop especially for other people.  But whatever.  I had other ways to be festive, like baking ten million cookies and decorating the house.

 

Cookie baking is something we do every year, Skywalker and my Mum.  It’s something we invariably start with great fervor and motivation.  But that never lasts.  We’re not particularly ‘bakey’ people….so being in the kitchen that long makes us cranky and grumpy by the end of the day.  We usually try to make waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many cookies…which means we’ve eaten about 8 pounds of raw cookie dough by the end of the whole fiasco…….so it is entirely conceivable that the crankiness is actually due to how nauseous we feel.  This year we toned it down – molasses snaps, pumpkin bars, chocolate peanut butter bark and chocolate dipped pretzels.  This did not seem overwhelming.  But of course the cookie baking plan never seems overwhelming before we start.  The recipes were thanks to Martha Stewart.  I hate Martha Stewart, by the way….just in case I forget to mention that later.  The molasses snaps were not very snappy…which was probably our fault….but I am not ready to accept total blame for this debacle yet.  If any of you bake, you may have had this problem before.  The recipe called for brown sugar, which I had….but because I don’t spend an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen I hardly ever use….so the brown sugar has hardened to the consistency of a concrete block.  Skywalker was in charge of measuring out the stupid half cup we needed.  So after banging the entire block of solidified sugar on the counter for about 7 seconds before mum gave her the “keep that up and I’ll flatten you with this frying pan” stare, she decided to try Something Else.  Something Else meant putting water on the sugar and then microwaving it.  Which does achieve the desired effect of softening the sugar….but now we have completely lost all ingredient integrity.  Mum, thankfully, let’s us muddle along without saying anything.  So I slop the sloppy brown sugar together in what is supposed to be a snap cookie dough.  The dough gets refrigerated for an hour before it’s rolled out, but I can tell before I even put it in the frig….that this dough is not going to chill.  It’s the consistency of those fake powdered mash potatoes.  You know the ones I’m talking about…the ones that taste like ground up cardboard.  And of course the dough has molasses in it….so it’s sticking to everything, particularly me.  According to Ms. Martha Stewart, we are supposed to be rolling this dough into balls before we bake it.  Hahahahahahahahaha.  There is no chance that’s happening.  I stick my hands in the science experiment dough we have managed to ruin before we even bake and think this could all end very very badly.  Skywalker decided that the quicker we threw the dough onto the baking sheet, the less chance it would have to be gross and stick to us.  So she’s shellacking the dough down into little plops.  Mum is standing to the side, shaking her head…..probably wondering how she managed to raise such retarded offspring.  I am completely disgusted by this brown goop that I will most definitely never get out from under my nails.  I can’t get it off my hands onto the stupid baking sheet.  Martha Stewart can kiss my ass.  Seventeen minutes later, the brown goop came out of the oven.  Thirty seconds after that we tried to eat one….and sweet baby Jesus, a Christmas miracle!  They were actually good despite our concerted efforts to ruin them.

 

My other Christmas treat to myself this year was decorating the house.  I love decorating the house.  Decorating for Christmas is slightly behind decorating for Halloween, but still very high on the List of Stuff I Would Rather Be Doing.  The inside of the house never takes very long, because we don’t have a very big house.  But I do string lights up inside the house everywhere….much to the Hubby’s chagrin.  He despises this holiday and grumbles about the lights every year.  Aren’t the lights outside enough? he asks me.  <chuckle>  Come on….you can never have too many Christmas lights, right?  Well….apparently you can.  Let me explain, gentle reader.  The neighbor in our cul-de-sac (the drug dealer, not the international spy) makes up for his complete lack of interest in Halloween with a Christmas extravaganza display in his little tiny front yard.  We have townhouses here….soooooo not a whole lot of space in the yard……but my stupid drug dealing neighbor has managed to cover every single square inch of that limited space with some kind of lighted Christmas magic.  His whole house seems to glow…..you can probably see it from space.  And for some reason this really annoys me.  My Christmas lights…..are done with some taste and a smidge of restraint.  Well…..really only restrained by the fact that I don’t own a ladder tall enough to string lights all over the roof and my bowling ball shape doesn’t result in a very impressive or powerful vertical jump.….and the Hubby vehemently refuses to buy a taller ladder for this sole purpose.  But seriously.  What’s this drug dealer gangster trying to say with his multi-colored explosion?  You know what he’s trying to say, don’t you?  Any of you who live in the Burbs know exactly what’s going on here.  It’s a Christmas lighting street war….he’s winning…..and he thinks he’s better than me.  And that makes me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry.

 

You don’t really notice the politics of Christmas lights until you’re in your 30’s.  Before then, it doesn’t really matter.  But when you turn 30, probably because you have less of a life, you tend to fixate more on this sort of thing.  Or, because you are older and wiser and more observant, you can interpret the pettiness of your drug dealing gangster neighbors with greater clarity and precision.  Yeah….I like that better than having less of a life.  Being in your 30’s does have its advantages….you know, to offset the fact that I can now apparently hurt myself if I sleep the wrong way.  So anyway, Tony Montana in the house next door is not pulling one over on me.  I deliberate briefly sabotaging his ridiculous display.  This would probably not turn out well, as I’m sure he would assume it was me, and earning the vengeance of a drug dealer gangster (even if he is my neighbor) is not high on my list of Stuff I Would Rather Be Doing.  As I continue to plot and scheme, I am now naturally noticing all of the Christmas lighting statements around the neighborhood.  It is very interesting what your Christmas lights say about you, you know?  Think about it.  There are the people who put up the bare bones minimum.  You can tell they could care less that it’s a holiday but don’t want to be accused of hating children, so they put out the tiniest effort possible.  One strand of lights attached to the gutter.  Come on.  That’s pathetic.  These people are saying to you, “ok fine, it’s December, we’ll play your stupid reindeer games but if I shovel out my parking space don’t think for a second that you can park there when I leave.”  Then there are the white lights people.  The White Lighters, obviously, only put white lights in their yards.  It is pretty….in a good old fashioned ice-storm-we’ve-lost-power kind of way.  But still….not very festive.  People who only put up white lights have a problem with chaos.  They are control freaks and probably suffer from severe OCD.  I dare you to count the number of lights they put up.  I guarantee it’s a round number, and I guarantee none of their lights will ever burn out.  The White Lighters are saying to you, “One, two, three, touch.  I NEED YOU TO STAY OFF MY LAWN YOU”RE DISTURBING THE SNOW.  <eek!>  One, two, three, touch.”  Crazy people.  Stay away from the White Lighters.    They probably bludgeon trespassers with their snow shovels and bury them in the backyard.  But it does make you wonder how they got that light-up Rudolph in the middle of their lawn without leaving footprints.  Then there are the flashing lights people.  Flashers are anarchists.  They are hording stockpiles of guns and ammunition in their compounds.  I highly suggest reporting these people to the authorities.  I realize that’s profiling…but come on.  Those stupid flashing lights are going to give me epileptic seizures.  After they give me migraines.  And ok….yes…..if I didn’t stare at them for so long….none of that would probably ever happen….but they…..are…..so…….mesmerizing.  It’s hard to look away.  And then before you know it, you’re seeing spots for hours.  Flashing lights need to be banned, or poo pooed by pro-planet people like aerosol and Hummers.  Flashers are telling you, “I am so high on psychotropic drugs right now, I feel like Alice fallen down the rabbit hole.”  You know….I’d stay away from them too.  Then there are the inflatable lawn ornaments people.  You know what I’m talking about right, the snow globes and blow-up reindeer and snowmen.  This is the cheesiest of cheese.  And even better….is seeing these What-a-Waste-of-Money Mart decorations during the day….you know, when they’re deflated.  Or dead.  Look kids!  Santa has melted into a puddle in the middle of the lawn!  It’s because you didn’t believe.  And now he’s dead.  Sorry, no presents for you losers this year.  Just wait for the witching hour though, when the power kicks on and all the inflatable lawn people come to life.  It is kind of unnerving….like waking a den of vampires.  The Inflatables are saying to you, “It’s true.  I do whatever my five-year-old tells me to do.”  Lastly of course are people like my Sopranos neighbor.  People who buy every single light they find and then find a way to hang every single light they bought in a space too small to park a car.  A big car, not one of those teeny cars.  It’s gaudy.  It’s says, I’m better than you.  Look at all my lights.  These people, these Germantown Germs, think very highly of themselves.  They provoke my envy.  Who wouldn’t want to be King of the Burbs right…..after all, it’s good to be king.  <smile> 

 

I ran into my drug dealing gangster neighbor not long after Christmas.  Well, it’s not entirely accurate to say, “I ran into him” like it was an accidental coincidence.  I’m sure he planned it….I’m sure he ran out into his yard after spying me pull up into the parking lot so he could nonchalantly start talking about how friggin long it was going to take him to pull down the myriad lights he managed to squeeze into his drug dealing gangster yard.  I smile….my not-really-smiling smile.  The one Mum taught me.  I wait patiently until the King of the Burbs stops feeling the need to feel good about himself and slink into my poorly lit inferior house.  The only thing that makes me feel good is knowing that I am one of those people who is in no hurry to take down my lights.  They’ll probably be up till February…and oh yeah, I’ll turn them on every night.  I’m sure the HOA can’t say anything about it.  The One Stranders never take down their strand ‘o lights.  They leave it up indefinitely and just turn it off after the New Year.  The White Lighters have their lights off and packed up by 12:01 a.m. December 26.  The Flashers wait for the New Year, after they get released from jail for being drunk and naked dancing through their front yards…..<psst, those lights make it easier for the cops to catch you hippies>.  The Inflatables throw their decorations in the trash, after all, they have now effectively crushed the imagination and dreams of their children so what use do they have for any of it now?  The King of the Burbs usually waits until about a week after New Year’s….which is about as long as any decent suburbian can wait without looking like white trash.  And this makes me smile.  I am better than him in one small way…..I have no shame in my own laziness.  I love this holiday and yes, I’ll drag it out until waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past its shelf life.  Who cares?  No one really….it gives the neighbors something else to say about me and it makes the King smile that not-really-smiling smile.  <big smile>  I love it.

 

Later gators,

Heather