This past weekend the Hubby and I went to Florida.  That may sound, at face value, like it was a vacation.  You know, fun in the sun, tanning and surf, blah blah blah.  Well, it wasn't.  It wasn't any of those things and I'll be happy to tell you all why, in excruciating detail.  We went to Florida because some so-called friends of ours were getting married there.  They're from Maryland too, like we are.  Their parents are from Maryland.  As a matter of fact, their entire friggin family is from Maryland...and yet here I am packing for a 24 hour jaunt down to Florida.  <shaking my head>  I don't really get destination weddings.  Don't the happy couple know that weddings have absolutely nothing to do with their happiness?  Weddings are all about making your family, particularly the women in your family, happy.  They have nothing to do with you.  And yet here I am, wondering if this mini-hairspray bottle is bigger than 3 ounces before I stow it away in my carry-on luggage.  We are flying to Orlando International Airport, so that we can drive to Cape Canaveral, stay at some ridiculous Florida hotel for a night, get on a cruise ship the next day, not take a cruise, and then come home.  I am not looking forward to the flying part.  Specifically, the airplane part of the flying, although I concede, that part is a necessary evil.  I guess I could handle the airplane part of it if the airplane didn't have any other people on it.  And therefore no germs.  When I conquer the planet, I will have my own plane.  That's a given.  And yet here I am....double checking departure times to ensure we arrive at the airport with enough time to suck down some numbing alcohol before I force myself to share oxygen with icky yucky people and their gross eebie geebie germs.

 

I did manage to have a drink before we got on the plane.  And yes, the Hubby and I were sitting together, which at first seemed like a great idea.  And yes, it's only a flight to Orlando, which is like two hours long, so I shouldn't be complaining.  But screw you all.  I hate to fly.  This is like a never-ending nightmare and it hasn't even started yet.  We flew out of BWI, which is nice because I know where all the bars are in that airport.  We flew on AirTran.  The Hubby has apparently never heard of this airline, and immediately decided that they must be investing in toy planes that are fueled with kool-aid and hamsters running around a big giant wheel provide the force that actually propels the jet.  He informed me immediately he was preeeeeeeetty sure the plane was going to crash and lucky us, we had ring-side seats to the wing of the plane which would more than likely be ablaze approximately 15 minutes into the flight.  Now.  I'm sure he thought he was being funny.  I'm sure he thought these little comments would relax me.  I'm sure of this because he was laughing at himself, like he was HI-larious.  Me, on the other.....I'm having a good old-fashioned panic attack.  I see little kids, like three-years, sitting all around us....and I would have literally sold my soul to Satan on the spot for about four valium.  A cheap price, I think, for being oblivious to my impending doom on this plane.

 

Two hours pasted one painstakingly long second at a time and we arrived at Orlando International Airport, the hub of all things Disney.  Ahhhhhh....Florida.  I used to live in Florida, kiddies, a million years ago.  I bet you didn't know that about me.  Not too far away from Orlando, actually.  A little place called Volusia County....known for being close to Daytona Beach.  Of course my Florida had armadillos and diamondback snakes and not so many oranges as you would probably think.  So coming back here isn't a real treat for me.  I'm not a big fan of beaches....you know....because of all the sand.  And the wildlife in the ocean totally sucks.  Florida beaches aren't pretty like Hawaii or Bermuda.  They're gross and you can't see any of the sea creatures or sharks lurking around in the water beneath you.  My total lack of coordination makes surfing a laughable affair...not like you could actually surf in Florida anyway.  The old people outlawed waves.  So we're here and now we have to get from the terminal to the shuttle pick-up and wouldn't you know it, but apparently Floridians, because they're super sadistic people, designed this God forsaken airport to be the most confusing place ever to get around.  You have to take a shuttle from the terminal to the front part of the airport to actually get out of the place.  Totally insane.  Being crammed into yet another compartment like sardines after having just gotten off a compartment where I was crammed in with all the other sardines.  I need some fresh air.  The Hubby has been muttering to himself nonstop since we got off the plane, and now all we both really need is another drink.

 

The shuttle is late...but I wasn't really expecting any better.  Reservation schmeservation.  It's about an hour from the airport to the hotel in Cape Canaveral.  The hotel was nice....I mean for the few hours we were actually in it, it was nice.  It had a sleep number bed, which was kind of cool after the Hubby almost broke the remote to the thing trying to get it to work....buuuuuuuut I'm getting ahead of myself.  The wedding party had a party for all the travellers (which was everybody, remember we're all from Maryland) and the feast was fantastic.  Excep for the crab.  Florida crab kind of sucks.  I wouldn't recommend it.  That didn't ruin the feast, but it was close.  After the eating, we went outside to the tiki bar area to get caught up with some friends and the groom.  We all went to high school together and the last time we saw each other was at a funeral...so this was much better.  One friend had a camera and wanted to get a picture of the gang.  This sounded like a good idea when she first said it.  Then she started looking around for someone that looked competent enough to take a picture without totally screwing it up.  Aha!  We spot some guy sitting behind us holding what appears to be a professional camera.  There are other parties in the hotel, and so we assume he is with one of them.  Our friend, who had the idea in the first place, decided to ask the professional photog to take our picture with her camera and because she's cute enough, he of course agreed.  So we all pose in front of a palm tree (I mean, come on, it IS Florida) and wait patiently for the professional to do his thing.  We're waiting for the flash, and we see it......except ......it's not aimed at us.  The flash was in the photog's face.....apparently because he was holding the camera up backwards.

 

<long pause>

 

Take a minute to let that soak in.  Total stranger.  Looks like a professional photographer.  Just took a picture of his own face, with the flash on....like three millimeters away from his eyeballs.  So, just like a woman pretending she didn't just trip over her own feet, this guy turns the camera around and tells us to smile which isn't really a problem at this point since we're all laughing hysterically at this total idiot.  He takes the picture, our cute friends thank him and ask him if his eyes are alright in between giggles.  He points out that if he zooms in and poses us differently, we could get a better shot, but the cuter friend declines that offer in a way that was really rude but because she's so <bleepin> cute it sounded nice.  Our other cute friend grabbed her camera back and pushed the playback button so we could see the shot.  She bit her lip, squeeked out how cute the picture was and turned the camera around to show us.  Not only was this moron holding the camera backwards.....it was upside down.  And then we totally lost it.  The only thing saving this guy was that he was so sloshy drunk, I'm pretty sure he won't remember us laughing derisvely at him.  We tried to be discreet....no.  That's a lie.  We didn't even try.  It was just too funny.  I mean....she purposefully picked this guy to take our picture.....what luck.

 

Three hours later we had to get up to get another shuttle to take us to the ship where we had to wait another few hours before they let us on board and then we had to wait another few hours before the wedding.  The ship was cool.  It was huge.  But if you've been on a cruise or two, like the Hubby and I, it was just cool.  That's it.  The wedding was beautiful of course, because all weddings are, especially when they involve close friends.  And seeing them smile and cry made me forgive them for about 7 seconds for making us fly down.  Then we got kicked off the boat and headed home.  It was not until the afternoon, when I realized Florida is full of old slow people.  I never noticed this before, when we lived in this state, probably because I was too young to care, but Florida is like some dystopian post-apocalyptic nightmare with all the old zombie looking people wandering around and driving ten miles an hour under the speed limit.  And yes, driving back to the airport was the first time I realized I'm an agist on top of being a sexist.  Well....maybe not a total agist.  Old people are kind of like kids.  They're cool.....if they're yours.  Or if they're not yours, they're still cool if they don't whine and complain too much.  Otherwise....they kind of suck.

 

So about ten hours after we left this ridiculous airport, we're back.  I am getting trampled on by hordes of Disney World visitors.  I know they went to Disney World because they all wear those asinine ears.  And they're mean.  Nothing like visiting the happiest place on earth to turn you into a rude pushy snipey trampler.  I make a vow to myself to grab any ears I see on the plane and rip them to shreds with my teeth.  But there are no ears on the plane, just lots of quiet people.  I got the window seat, because I apparently have racked up way too much bad karma for being mean to old people.  And now not only can I see the wing of the plane, I can see the engine turbine....Glorious Day!!  I tried to study the safety manual but those pictures of people escaping the plane they have don't make any sense to me....I mean, I tried to follow what they were doing....but I don't think human beings bend that way.  All I want to do is go home.  Home.  Home.

 

And then we were there....well, not really.  We were in Baltimore.  But there's nothing like flying to Florida to make me appreciate BWI.  There's nothing like driving behind old people to make me appreciate 95.  There's nothing like getting trampled on by Disney freaks to make me appreciate the cruel honest rudeness of DC.  I'm home.  My weekend is shot.  I didn't get a tan.  I didn't even get in a pool.  I didn't drink nearly enough for it to count as a vacation.  I didn't even buy stupid souvenier trinkets.  But I'm home. 

 

I like it here.  I think I'll stay awhile.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It's night 21 in Gabon.  It always feels like this show goes by so fast, doesn't it?  Anyway, back at the Evil Empire camp and the Wedding Hater is snapping at Susie.  Apparently they split the vote on purpose, just in case Dan had the idol.  Ok, that makes sense.  The Wedding Hater says, we need to stick together.  Susie thinks she has the upperhand on everyone, like she's the swing vote.  But she also thought she looked like Jessica Simpson....so we know how clear headed she is....oh wait, that was me.

 

Over at the loser Teeth tribe and Matty Patty is shocked they voted Ace out.  Sugar Spice still thinks Kenny is being honest with her....oh.....you've got a surprise comng to you, huh.  Matty Patty thinks Crystal is after him now....but she's like no, let's start over.  I wouldn't believe a thing Crystal says if I was him.  You're trouble Peppermint Patty....trust your instincts.  Everybody is hoping for a merge so they can eat.  Ahhhhh, priorities.

 

Over at the Evil Empire and Corinne is still complaining about Susie.  Tree mail sounds like it might be a merge.  It's talking about a feast on the beach.  Both tribes get there, and I don't know if you caught this or not because it happened so fast.  But they're looking at this huge spread of food, and Corinne goes, they have mixed nuts!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, listen.  If mixed nuts made me that happy, my life would be much simpler.  Matty is super excited about not starving to death, which I kind of have a feeling is the only reason the producers decided to throw this in.  They're all eating, and they have to finish eating before they read the message left on the table.  But while they're eating, Kenny sees a clue for a hidden immunity idol under the box holding the other message.  But then Happy sees it too.  So everybody reads the clue.  Hollywood calls everybody's bluff and says, let's get rid of it.  What huh?!?!  Then the Wedding Hater says, yeah, another idol will just muck everything up.  Let's find it and throw it in the ocean.  Brilliant!!  Using the dark side of the force, the Wedding Hater backs everybody up into a corner.  After they find the idol and Randy dubs himself the new king of Gabon, they leave it on the table for anybody to take.  Of course, if anyody takes it, they're basically signing their own death warrant in the game.  This was such a brilliant move, I can't get over it.  Nobody can take the idol, so the Wedding Hater and Hollywood march it out into the ocean and throw it away.  Awesome.  Hollywood is dumbfounded that people let him get away with that without so much as a peep.  I am too.

 

Then they open the message box on the table and they each have to take a numbered stone out of the bag.  Surprise!!  You're getting switched into new teams.  Again.  The Evil Empire still ends up with a majority on both of the new tribes....how they worked that out, I will never know.  The new Coca Cola tribe has Crystal, Susie, Orville, Kenny and Hollywood.  Hollywood finds out that one of his best friends is Crystal's cousin and so now he feels like he can trust her.  That's very confusing logic to me, but whatever.  He wants to align with Crystal and she's at least a little more practical about this situation and thinks she can use it to her advantage.

 

The new loser starving Teeth tribe is Happy, Corinne, the Wedding Hater, Sugar Spice and Matty Patty.  Happy wants to stick to the plan to get out these loser Teeth.  Matty Patty doesn't trust Randy even though they are sort of friends.  Matty Patty then tells Sugar Spice what a dope she is, Ace was never gunning for her and Crystal and Kenny lied.  She cries because she's so gullible.  Why she believes Matty Patty over Kenny and Crystal over Ace is totally beyond me.  But Matty Patty has to rely on her now.....oh boy.  You're in trouble.

 

Hollywood doesn't trust Susie at all, which he shouldn't.  He called her a dizzy bat....which is kind of funny.  The Wedding Hater is talking about throwing the upcoming immunity challenge so they can vote off Matty Patty and so that Susie doesn't have a chance to vote off Hollywood.  He's a very good strategist....I think he'll be around for a while.  It's an endurance challenge...but each individual player can win immunity for the whole tribe....so no chance of throwing it.  They have to hold these poles up in the air until their arms fall off.  Sounds like loads of fun.  Crystal is out immediately....is it me or is she totally not acting like an Olympian.  Sugar Spice is out right after her.  Susie is next.  Then Randy and Corinne basically at the same time.  Then Kenny.  Hollywood starts shaking before he drops his poles....man he is cute!  Anyway, Orvile is the only one left for the new Coca Cola tribe.  Happy is out next which doesn't make him very Happy.  So it's Matty Patty against Orville and Matty Patty has clearly gone round the bend.  He's whooping and hollering like a banshee and that would have made me really mad if I was Orville....but the Ancient One hangs on for as long as he can.  Matty's poles are on the verge of dropping, but Orville messes up first.  Randy is annoyed that Matty Patty won, even though he got immunity for their tribe.

 

So Coca Cola is going to tribal council.  Susie is apparently the swing vote.  Hollywood wants to vote for Kenny and he tells Crystal his plan.  His plan makes sense to me...but nobody likes someone with lots of good ideas, and Crystal doesn't want her only ally on the team getting voted out.  Um.....what about Hollywood?  I think she'd go farther with Hollywood than Kenny, if for no other reason than Kenny is close to disappearing into nothingness if he doesn't get more food in his belly.  Susie thinks she should vote with Hollywood but she's not sure.  Crystal tells Kenny he's on the chopping block, so then she goes to talk to Susie about getting Hollywood out.  Susie is like, but he promised!  And Crystal is like, come on, don't believe everything a man tells you!  Or something like that....Susie says, but I'm known for being trustworthy.  What?!?  Since when?!?!

 

Time for Tribal Council.  Crystal calls Coca Cola corporate espionage and then she calls the Teeth tribe the ghetto.  Wow.  I didn't understand those analogies at all.  Hollywood says they need to keep the tribe strong and Kenny jumps at him.  He says, don't play a player (hahaha, he didn't really say that but he should of), he says we all know you're voting out Teeth members first.  Hollywood tries to look good in front of everyone, but he should have just been honest.  Time to vote.  We see who everyone voted for except for Susie.  It's split between Susie and Hollywood.  Hmmmmm...this is no good.  Hollywood is going home.  Kenny is the giant-killer, people need to pay more attention to this kid.  Hollywood is the first member of the jury.  Oh my oh my.  At least I'll still get to see him every week.....soooooooo cute.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Yes, yes, I realize that I haven't updated the Survivor blog in a million years.  Thank you to everyone who has so patiently pointed this out.  You're awesome.  And for all you awesome people, here it is.  The Teeth are starving to death.  They have handfuls of rice left.  Matty Patty is hopeless....either because his mother named him Matty or because he's starving....not terribly sure.  After he explains their hopeless situation, cut to Crystal knocking over the rice bowl.  Everyone is infuriated...but it's that quiet repressed anger that you learned about from reading Lord of the Flies....not loud road rage anger.  It's the kind that you can feel.  So she picks up as much rice as she can, and then refuses to eat with the tribe because she's a passive angry martyr.  Women are so mean, aren't they?  Ace tries to get her to eat, but she won't and gets an attitude....sure, hon.  Blame him because you're a moron.  That makes sense.

 

Over at the Evil Empire, Finding Himself Dan is being extremely paranoid.  Because he's not part of the cool kids.  He explains in his pathetic needy way that he is super sensitive, talking with Hollywood and Corinne.  Corinne says he's socially inept...hahahahaha, I agree.  She's like, I don't know if he was a former fatty or why he wasn't liked as a child....but this is ridiculous.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I totally agree.  Once you hit 30 people, you've got to let all your high school trauma go....it no longer serves any purpose.  Hollywood thinks Danny boy is digging his own gave, and he can't help him.  You're right, Hollywood....don't even try.

 

Time for the Reward Challenge.  It's a game of keep-away.  One tribe is throwing this breakable ball around while a member of the other tribe tries to break it.  The first tribe to break three balls wins.  Hmmmmm....breaking balls.  I think I would be good at this one.  The reward is a picnic feast which of course the loser Teeth could sorely use.  First up as ball breakers are Randy and Ace.  Randy breaks ball one for the Evil Empire.  Then we have Orville and Sugar Spice.  Sugar Spice just kind of stands there being useless while Orville is literally throwing his entire body at people.  Orville scores again for the Evil Empire.  Next up is the former fatty Dan and Matty Patty.  Matty Patty goes after them hard, but again Sugar Spice throwing and catching the ball on the other side loses it for the Teeth.  The Evil Empire wins yet again, because that's what evil empires do.  They send Sugar Spice back to Exile, because hell, why not.  Matty Patty is not very happy with Sugar Spice.  I don't blame him....

 

The Evil Empire takes a beeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuteeful helicopter ride to their picnic site.  Orville is having the time of his life.  Back over at the loser Teeth tibe and Matty says he's embarrassed.  You should be Matty Patty, with a retarded name like that.  He complains about Sugar Spice and then asks Ace to go on a boat ride with him so they can scheme and plot.  He wants Sugar Spice gone, obviously, but Ace hardly gets two words out about Crystal and Matty Patty is like, yeah ok, whatever you say.  Ace is clearly hypnotizing people with his Jedi mind tricks....because he really didn't say anything that would have convinced me to change my mind so quickly.  Unless Matty Patty is just delirious from hunger...which could obviously be the case.  Kenny and Crystal know something is up and they talk about getting rid of Ace.  Crystal calls him the Devil.  Which I'm sure is true because the Devil most definitely has an Australian accent.

 

Back at the picnic feast and the Evil Empire gets letters from home.  Naturally this makes everybody cry, especially Orville who turns into a big bawling baby.  I'm sure that should have been endearing...but it wasn't for me.  It was just annoying.  And it kind of looked like Randy, the Wedding Hater, didn't get any letters...or maybe I just missed him being emotional.  Over at Exile, Sugar Spice explains she's only with Ace the Devil because he's the strongest player in the game.  Absolutely.  The Devil always gets his way.

 

Time for the Immunity Challenge and Jeffy poo drops a bomb shell.  Both tribes are going to tribal council tonight to vote someone out.  And everybody is playing for inidivdual immunity.  Huh.  This is different.  They usually merge before they play for individual immunity.  Anyway, it's a log roll.  Which I would be terrible at....despite how vertically challenged I am, I have no sense of balance.  Seriously, I would fall of the sidewalk if the debilitating forces of gravity were not holding me down.  Finding Himself Dan explains to the camera that he needs to win big.  He's up first against Ace and Dan loses almost immediately.  Way to go fatso.  Next, it's Happy versus Crystal.  And Happy wins.  Should have eaten those three grains of rice earlier Crystal.  Hollywood is up next against Matty Patty and Hollywood wins.  Apparently Matty Patty is not desperate enough for food yet.  The Wedding Hater is up against Susie and the Wedding Hater wins because the world always works that way.  Then it's Kenny against Sugar Spice and Kenny was blown away by a small breeze.  Last Orville is up against Corinne.  Orville explains that he won the log roll 92 years ago when he was in college.  Ok.  So after he lays that intimidating knowledge down, Corinne folds.  In the semis it's Ace versus Happy and Ace wins a close one.  Hollywood verus the Wedding Hater and even though the world loves misanthropes, it apparently loves beautiful people more because Hollywood wins.  Sugar Spice is up against the Log Roll Champion Orville and Orville slips, gets his balance back, they both fall in, but Orville hits the water first.  For the finals, all three of them (Ace, Hollywood and Sugar Spice) are on the log at the same time.  Sugar Spice falls off first, probably because Ace told her to do it.  But then Ace falls in next.  Hollywood wins immunity and Ace shoots himself in the pinky toe.  And now Jeffy poo lays another little twist on us, Hollywood has to pick a member of the loser Teeth tribe to give another individual immunity to....so he picks Sugar Spice.  Now we know she's sold her soul to the devil because blonde girls just aren't this lucky.....are they?

 

Back at the loser Teeth tribe and Kenny lays a whopper on Sugar Spice about Ace wanting her gone.  She says she doesn't believe him, but she does.  She knows she can't trust anybody, but she seems to believe whatever people tell her....it's kind of dumb.  I think she's just a lucky person.  Ace, probably suspecting something is up, tries to get the idol from her and plays right into Kenny's lie.  Now Sugar Spice really really wants him gone.  At tribal council, Crystal gets super defensive about the spilt rice.  People are so nasty when they're hungry.  Sugar Spice says it's petty stuff like this that is keeping us from winning.  But now it's time to vote.  Nobody plays the idol.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Jeffy poo reads the votes.  Ace.  Crystal.  Ace.  Crystal.  And the last vote goes to....Ace.  The Devil is done.  Blindsided by Sugar Spice....or rather....by Kenny.

 

Over at the Evil Empire and Finding Himself Dan is completely freaking out.  Randy thinks Susie is the low man on the totem pole, and that Orville will be loyal.  He reads people pretty well for hating them so much.  Corinne goes to talk to Susie, and this is the point where I am pretty sure Susie has a brain aneurism because she just blabs out that she was thinking about voting for Corinne.  Now.  Corinne is my kind of girl.  Totally, utterly and unapologetically vindictive.  She wants Susie to die a miserable death.  Love it. Great attitude.  She says, I want to stab her in the face.  <chuckle>  So now she's talking to everybody about voting for Susie instead of Dan.  Now nobody knows what to do, but too late, it's time for tribal council.  When Jeffy poo asks about it, Susie sticks her other foot in her mouth and explains she thinks she's stronger than Corinne.  Ok, hon.  And I looking remarkably similar to Jessica Simpson.  See how easy it is to lie to yourself.  Corinne talks about how it's good to act without a filter sometimes.  Jeffy poo asks the Wedding Hater about acting without a filter and he says, well it's good and bad for me.  Why's it good?  Because I don't have to pretend and people always know where I stand.  Why's it bad?  Because I don't have to pretend and people always know where I stand.  <smile>  Excellent explanation.  Dan calls himself a worry wart.  And nobody talks to Orville....time to vote.  No idol is played.  The votes go - Susie, Dan, Dan, Susie, Dan, Susie, Dan.  Piggy is going home.  Time to find yourself someplace else, Danny boy. 

 

I have no idea what will happen next....this season they don't seem to be playing by the tried and true formula of two tribes into one merged tribe.  We'll see.

 

Later gators,

Heather