So, it’s the week before Christmas and all through the Hubby household, panic and mayhem unfolds.  Please don’t think for a second that just because I adore this holiday….I am ever any where near prepared for anything before….oh…..Christmas Eve.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much I plan ahead, or how many things I buy online, or how many presents I wrap early….I am always, inevitably, completely hysterical by this week because someone’s gift has not been delivered, or I totally forgot about his Grandfather, or I have absolutely no baking soda in the entire house and how the hell am I supposed to bake cookies without baking soda?  Yes.  Yes, some people may be turned off by this chaos….but I love it.  I work better under pressure.  I enjoy the running around.  The Hubby, on the other hand, has been lobbying very strongly for a return to the “True Meaning” of this holiday.  Do not be misled by this, gentle reader, his motives are entirely selfish.  We spend about the average amount that the average household spends on this holiday which, according to the Hubby, is completely unacceptable.  He was involved in the original budget-making process, and being the Hubby, he does have line-item veto power over it, but instead of utilizing this power all I got was the Scrooge grunt indicating acceptance.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for charity.  We donate to charities too.  But.  I always enjoy gifts.  And decorations.  And cards.  And cookies.  And all the holiday miscellany that makes me love this time of year.  Gifts are fun.  There are, of course, about a hundred cheaper ways we could divvy up the gifts instead of getting one gift for each of our 339 relatives.  But.  This is the way we’ve always done it.  Making a list, because I like lists, of all the people I need to shop for….it relaxes me.  I am also not terribly sure what the Hubby has to complain about since he is not really involved in any part of this holiday.  But.  He’s an excellent speaker, he enjoys debate, and he could convince an entire room full of Hindus to try a Big Mac if you gave him enough time….so I am slightly worried about all this non-gift talk he’s been spreading around. 

We have had several mini-disasters this week that are worth mentioning/complaining about.  I have completed riddled the house with Christmas lights because I love the lights.  Lights make me happy.  We’re colored-light people.  Some people like the white lights.  But not us.  I have those tacky oversized lightbulb lights that go along the walkway.  I have lights all over the front yard and around the deck in the back of the house.  The Hubby usually procrastinates long enough about putting them up, that I just do it myself.  Of course this year, there were no ladders involved….so the chance of serious injury was greatly diminished.  However, and rather unfortunately, I am not an electrician….which probably would have made things go much smoother.  So, I am hanging the lights in front of the house and I can’t find an outlet outside, and after briefly considering stealing a neighbor’s outlet because they do not celebrate Christmas due to their drug dealing super secret international spy employment, I remembered that the Hubby already bought this thing that you screw into the light socket of the front door light and it has an outlet.  I am probably not explaining this very well.  But just go with me here, it’s an outlet in the lightbulb thingy.  Ok.  So I am stringing up all the lights and because it’s December and 3:30 in the afternoon, it’s pitch black outside.  So, I go to turn the light on, which should turn all the Christmas lights on….and they come on for about 7 seconds and then blip off.  What the hell.  Oh right, there’s a sensor on that light   Um.   Yeah.  So I have no idea how to turn the sensor off for the light next to the front door.  So picture this.  Me….standing outside in the dark……trying to find the right end of these stupid &*^%%$^ lights….while they keep blipping on and off for seven second intervals…..it looks like the dumbest light show you have ever seen.  And of course, without fail, the neighbors that are never there, are now there.  And of course, when they walk by the house the lights blip on….you know, because the stupid sensor is sensing them walking by…..and there I am standing in the front yard like a total idiot holding a strand of Christmas lights.  Now, these neighbors already think I am completely insane so I really am not at all surprised by the looks on their faces.  I say “How ya doing” in the best totally sane person voice I can muster up….and of course, as usual, they just stare at me like I’m speaking Swahili and keep walking, a little quicker now, to their car.  <sigh>  Of course, when the Hubby gets home he asks me the utterly useless question of why I was trying to string up lights in the dark.  I mean seriously.  And then he switches off the sensor using the switch which is apparently very obviously visible to everyone who hates Christmas.

That was not the only light problem I experienced this weekend.  I strung lights up all over the deck, so I can look outside while I’m sitting on the couch and see lights too.  Because lights make me happy.  I actually took the time to wind the lights around the railing on the deck.  This is a very serious endeavor because it is so time consuming and it shows my true holiday spirit.  So I get them all wound around and tested them and they lit up correctly and then I attached the timer that the Hubby bought to appease his penny-pinching Grinch attitude.  And then I wait….patiently…..for 5 o’ clock when they will magnificently shine on….proving to all the cars driving by behind the house that we are festive and merry.  Except of course when 5 o’ clock rolls around….only half of the lights come on.  What the hell!  So, of course I go outside, because at least on the deck I have a floodlight to help out with the cause and no nosy neighbors peering at me like I’m a zoo animal.  It must be a bulb, so I just about break my fingers trying to get the stupid bulb out of the stupid string and then I try to get another bulb in to the empty socket…but of course it doesn’t fit properly.  And so I am smashing it in until it does fit properly…but…..alas….no lights.  I am extremely frustrated by this point.  I was so looking forward to seeing my stupid lights.  I vow to spend the rest of the night trying to fix them if I have to….or….or at least until I get hungry in about 20 minutes.  So, I am using this little tool that the Hubby bought to test the light sockets.  It looks like a staple gun and you point it at the socket and if it beeps, it works.  Except all of the sockets are beeping.  And now I think I must have the beeping rule backwards.  But then, as I am inspecting the last strand of lights I discover my problem.  The light strand has been chewn clean through by some small furry forest animal who apparently mistook the green rubbery metallic tasting light strand for hibernation fodder.  I am livid.  So I unwind the 400 lights at the end of the strand and attach a new strand of lights and of course they come right on.  The next day, I am sitting on the couch, watching my exercise tape, when all of the sudden I see a squirrel jump up onto the deck railing.  He’s sniffing the lights.  He looks sort of rabid.  I’m not a big squirrel fan, and this one is confirming that feeling very quickly except then he starts gnawing on the lights.  I jump off the couch like it’s on fire, run to the deck and scream at the top of my lungs “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID JERK!!!”  Which was clearly the only way to get the attention of a rabid squirrel….and also, coincidentally, some guy walking his schnauzer along the sidewalk.  And when the Hubby got home, he very rationally suggested that I mix up some sort of cayenne pepper spray and put it on the lights so the squirrels will be foiled in the future.  This made a lot more sense than guarding the deck day and night and screaming at them.

We also finally purchased our Christmas tree this weekend.  The Hubby likes to wait until the last possible time to do this because he hates putting the thing up.  He has constructed a very elaborate tree stand because of the ’93 Tree Tilting Incident.  So, the tree is essentially immobilized, however, he still complains about it.  So, we’re driving around Sunday about 90 minutes before the football starts trying to find Our Tree.  The first place we stop had perfect trees.  Absolutely perfect.  They were full, with no holes, the perfect height, perfect little triangle cone shapes.  And they were perfectly overpriced.  Seriously.  $90 for a tree?  That’s like a $90 bag of mulch.  That’s like spreading 90 one dollar bills over your flower bed.  The Hubby made each and every one of these analogies, very loudly, as we returned to his truck.  He also suggested that he walk another 75 feet behind this nursery into the woods and cut down a tree himself….for free.  He was being totally seriously.  Besides the blatant Man Factor that goes along with axing down a tree, I could at least understand the money issue this time.  So we keep driving around.  We were somewhere in Damascus….I think…..when we saw it.  Some roadside tree place that had trees for $40.  Perfect.  So, we pull in, jump out of the truck and run around trying to find the perfect tree.  Well, that would be me running around.  The Hubby started spouting off his non-gift campaign at the tree-seller.  It took me five minutes to find the right one.  A friend of mine has since told me that Our Tree looks like something out of Dr. Seuss.  She did, of course, hit the nail squarely on the head.  Our tree is perfectly shaped, except for the fact that it has random branches that stick out just a little bit too far.  The star won’t go on the top without tipping quite precariously to one side, which of course incensed the Hubby to no end, especially when I told him he could not duct tape it on.  And it has a huge hole on one side, which just means that’s the ‘back’ of the tree.  I think it has character.  The Hubby interpreted that as meaning ‘ridiculous’.  Oh Christmas Tree…..Our Christmas Tree.

So that is how the holiday is progressing with us.  Moving on.  Some of you may or may not know this about me – I am a reality TV junkie.  I watch a ton of this trash.  Some of my favorites – Amazing Race, Survivor and the ultimate – American Idol.  I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL.  But that show doesn’t come on for another few weeks, so in the meantime, Survivor has been going on and just ended this weekend.  I particularly enjoyed Survivor this year, because the underdogs actually came through.  The little team that could, actually did.  The people I was rooting for, finally won.  Well.  Well, almost.  The four people left were from the same original tribe – Watawatabarkbark….or whatever the hell it’s called.  The Betrayers had been voted off.  And even after the endless tribal councils with the losers sniping about morals and “fairness”….the Fantastic Four stuck to their original game plan.  They were not persuaded.  Or dissuaded from their original loyalties.  Hooray!!!  We had the Godfather, Bland Girl #1, Bland Girl #2 and my personal favorite – the Ultimate Survivor, Ozzie.  Ozzie, of course, didn’t win.  Because no one I pick ever wins.  Nevermind that Ozzie was much cuter than Yul.  Nevermind that.  And nevermind that he could swim like Aquaman, shimmy up palm trees like a lemur or won just about every single challenge.  By a lot.  The Godfather was the puppet master.  He’s also a lawyer.  So he spews cow pies out of his mouth constantly.  Ozzie cried at the final tribal council….awwwww…..he should WIN for that alone!!!!  So cute.  He did win a car, which I guess is nice.  But a million dollars would have been so much better.  One thing about this season – Jeff Probst has finally gotten the hang of asking uncomfortable questions to people.  He makes them sound like jerks….all the time….it’s great.  So what did you mean by stabbing them in the back like that?  It really looks like you’re trying to kiss ass right now?  Do people always hate you this much, or is this something new with the game?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  He’s fantastic.  I hope he never leaves.  The jury was useless, we didn’t even get any Sue-speech entertainment.  No comparisons to snakes.  Oh well.  I thought it was absolutely brilliant of Burnett to split the tribes by ethnicity originally….and then they end up with a ‘melting pot’ crew in the end.  Brilliant.  And I was also pleased that they did not starve the contestants this time.  No anorexia girls to stare at this season….which was nice.  And apparently they got razors, or at least spared us the shots of hairy girl armpits.  So not cool.  I plan on seeing Ozzie on the next All-Star challenge.  And he’d better win that, or I’m never watching again….

So here’s to all of you surviving Christmas and the holiday season (oooooooo, how cliché).  Be safe.  Be merry.  And please, be completely focused on your driving when you’re behind the wheel, because if I have to be stuck behind one more jackass driving 20 miles an hour slower than the speed limit because he’s talking on his cell phone…..well….let’s just say I asked Santa for the Corolla Photon Torpedo kit this year.  <evil giggle>

Later gators,

Heather

Program Note: Next week is my vacation.  I will not be doing anything productive.  Including anything involving this computer.  So, I’ll be back in the New Year.  Cheers.

‘Tis the season for carolers, eggnog, and Office holiday parties.  Last week was ours.  I have gone to exactly one holiday party during my eight year tenure with the glamorous government auditors….which was the first year I worked here….last Friday was the second party I have been to with these people.  But there is soooooooo much to talk about before we even get to the party stuff.  Before we get to the entertainment for the day, the Powers That Be at our office have decided that this is the perfect opportunity to trap all of us in a room together and make us listen to the Office News for the year….or….or more accurately, the Office News for the past six months….the interval since the last Staff Meeting.  Now, I am sure some of you probably have this notion that the life of government auditors is fast-paced, full of sex, drugs, rock and roll, and a whole lot of craziness can happen in six months, a morning meeting might not be enough time to squeeze it all in.  This perception would be…..inaccurate.  A whole lot of nothing happened in the last six months.  The Staff Meeting is first and foremost, a chance for the big boss-men and women to remind all of us underlings what they actually do for their paychecks.  They have to speak in public.  Which is on the list of worst things ever, so kudos to them, and you’re worth every penny.  It is also an opportunity to make all the New People stand up and be stared at by everyone else <yes, I realize that is very high school, but welcome to a world where we have nothing to talk about>.  Sorry New People, it’s not you.  It’s me feeling like I’m at the zoo…..I should have whipped out my cell phone and taken a picture of one of you….that would have made you feel even more uncomfortable with the whole gawking scene.  Welcome to our office, now that you have been properly introduced, we can all start talking about you behind your backs.  <sigh>  So after the public humiliation is over, then we get to hear from each division of our office.  I can hear you asking….it’s government auditing…..how many divisions can you have?  Oh….oh ho ho ho….this is the government people….we have ‘divisions’ for everything.  If I could actually remember anything that anyone said during these presentations….I wouldn’t tell you anyway.  That is privileged information, people.  But I would like to complain about a few of the personalities we had to endure.  First of all, the Mumbler.  I am not terribly sure how you can be that incomprehensible when you’re speaking into a microphone but I seriously had no idea what the Mumbler was saying.  I caught about every third word.  Which made me feel like beating my head into the cement wall I was sitting next to….you make TWICE <at least> TWICE as much money as I do.  Please enunciate your words!!!!  Then we had Monotone Man.  I felt like I was sitting through the Clockwork Orange.  Someone just paperclipped my eyelids open.  This is torture.  You really can’t pay attention to anything someone is saying when they don’t change the inflection of their voice.  And, for the record, speaking in a true monotone is actually quite difficult.  Try it at your next useless meeting.  You are Charlie Brown’s teacher.  Just watch their eyes glaze over.

Of course we had crazy paranoid IT Director man.  Passwords are very important.  Do not underestimate the creativity of data-thieves.  Don’t use your husband’s name or your mother’s maiden name or GOD.  His password is his pet’s name.  His dead pet’s name.  Yes.  He actually felt it necessary to make that distinction.  I’m not sure if anyone else in the audience thought that was a little weird.  But seriously.  Your dead pet.  Can you say….morbid?  Say your favorite pet.  Or your first pet.  I don’t need to know the poor thing is dead.  We also got a hands-on demonstration of how to use the new flash drives being procured for our office, which we are apparently required to swallow to keep the data from being compromised.  It’s the only way to keep our highly sensitive audit information secure.  We will have to train our bodies to poop them out every time we need to save something….<shaking my head>….I’m not terribly sure this is worth the pension.  We had a few other speakers – the Sensitive One (who actually genuinely seems to enjoy her job and her coworkers……imagine that) and Mr. Congeniality (aka Bossbert #1) who is apparently brilliant at making presentations to non-English speaking crowds….in English.   <chuckle chuckle>.  Of course by this time, I am desperately trying to think of ways to get myself out of this room.  The walls are closing in.  I imagine myself jumping up out of my seat and screaming I WON!! And then running out of the room.  I also imagine myself, falling out of my seat and faking an epileptic seizure….which wasn’t really an option.  But would have at least made me laugh.  I start doing anagrams of DUNKIN DONUTS…..NoNuts, Stud, Stink, Unkin, Dodun, Onus, yeah…..some of those weren’t words.  But I just went ahead and gave them fake definitions too.  That’s what I do when I’m really really bored.  Work on my dictionary of fake words.  I finished both crossword puzzles I brought with me about eight hours ago (slight exaggeration) and I think if I hear one more canned joke or generic compliment, I will hang myself from the top of the projector.  Yes, we have powerpoints for our staff meetings.  And just when I think, that there is no purpose left to my life….I win an award.  That’s right people.  My genius has been recognized.  I won an award.  That’s because Staff Meetings are a forum for recognizing greatness.  Never mind that about thirty other people won awards too.  And never mind that the award has an incredibly juvenile name…..it is a symbol of appreciation.  Much better than depreciation.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  HAHAHAHA.   Ha ha.   Hehehe.  <ahem>  That was the kind of auditor joke I was hearing all morning.  Now you know what it feels like….

So anyway, the Staff Meeting ended after an eternity (otherwise known as three and a half hours) and we were all off to the party.  In loverly Catonsville.  Because our office is in Baltimore.  So the party is in Catonsville.  Which is….no where near my house.  I paid $30 to go this party, so I am expecting fabulous entertainment.  At least from some drunk coworkers.  When I get there, everyone is making a huge deal about the fact that I have actually decided to attend.  <sigh>  “Yes, yes.  I am here.  Darth has decided to grace you all with her presence.  Yeah, I know I never come to these.  I don’t know, this year I thought I’d give it a chance.  You know everyone badgers me so much about not going…yes, I know you never see me at social functions….yes, it’s because I live so far away……ENOUGH ALREADY.”  Seriously, the Coworkers made such a scene about it…I was tempted to turn right back around and get in the car and leave….but that $30 was ca-chinging in my brain…..so I stayed.  I sat at a table with Bossbert #1, Weird Al, Carpoolbert, Mr. Motor Trend, and The Good Guy (you know, whenever anyone asks about him, you say, He’s a good guy…that guy).  So we’re eating.  And I can’t stand eating in front of people….people that I have to be professional around….because I am always convinced I am going to do something totally gross like spit out my chicken all over the table or snort my ice tea or burp really loudly or something equally not-ladylike.  So, I am concentrating really hard on chewing and swallowing like a normal human being….thinking this is definitely not a $30 piece of chicken…..when Weird Al starts talking about dead ferrets.  I can’t really remember why he was telling this story.  But I am quite sure I didn’t even try to hide my horror.  Dead ferrets.  Of course, he’s an IT guy….so he probably got it from Mr. IT Director.  The dead ferret is probably his password.  Making small talk hurts my brain….so thank goodness Weird Al was there to make everything feel normal and calm…..yeah, that was a joke.  I am Jack’s nervous tic.

So anyway, the meal is over.  People are congregating at the bar.  My compliments to the bartender who seemed like a nice guy….and seemed willing enough to humor a bunch of drunken auditors.  I hope he got some good tips….but I’m not holding my breath.  I spend the next hour or so scanning the room for Accountants Gone Wild.  No such luck.  No one is doing anything even remotely noteworthy.  And no, flirting CPAs does not even come close to making the list of things I want to talk about.  The holidays make everyone feel festive and frisky.  I continue to sit in my corner, being as antisocial as possible, explaining to Weird Al that HBO’s Rome is basically soft-core porn….listening to him explain that you can’t put nametags on corduroy…..pretending that jokes about the Redskins are still funny….and wondering if I should get something from the bar that is much stronger than this tea.  But where has all the rum gone?  Yeah.  Yeah, some of you got that.  You know who you are….

And then the games start.  Apparently there is always some sort of game played at these parties.  Some sort of game that is supposed to be funny and entertaining and involve people.  This year the game was the Family Feud.  That’s right.  The Feud.  Partybert, who was responsible for making arrangements for the….<wait for it>…..Party, also came up with the idea for the game.  He even e-mailed a list of questions beforehand in order to get the surveys.  Here are some of the answers Darth provided….in order to be involved in the merriment:

Name something a person wouldn’t want living in their house.    A bear

Name something you buy before a first date.                             A background check

Name an animal with three letters in its name.                Emu

A bad place to look for good husband material              Jail

Something you buy and then have to take good care of. Children

Describe your coworkers in one word.                          Hysterical

What television show comes closest to your day-to-day life? Prison Break

Well, you get the idea.  Needless to say, not many of my answers made it to the final game.  So people had to come up with their own teams, and team names, and then you buzz in, and all that jazz.  Bossbert #1 and Partybert hosted the game and handled all the technical difficulties (Powerpoint is not as easy as it looks people).  They did a good job.  I was not bored to tears…..so I considered it a success.  Of course, it was a real eye-opener for some of the people I work with….what a bunch of weirdos.

Anyway, the time is ticking away and I am wondering if I have been at the party long enough to leave….when all of the sudden…..out of nowhere…..Partybert announces that they are giving away Door Prizes (aka Bribes to make us all stay until the end of the party).  Fan friggin tastic.  Pay me to be here.  This is a genius idea.  I’m all for it.  Partybert explains, at great length, how awesome the prizes are and how all of the Bossberts doled out the money for them, so we should all be grateful, blah blah blah.  And then, Partybert announces that there is a special gift there, a Starbucks giftcard…….for me.  That’s right, gentle reader.  Parytbert took this opportunity to explain to the Entire Office that I am addicted to caffeine and drink coffee all day long, so the Starbucks card is for me.  Nice.  My jedi mind tricks are apparently working.  So, the names start getting pulled for the prizes….people are picking out the gift cards in order of worth….naturally…..us being accountants and all…..and then Her name is called.  She’s not paying attention.  She’s standing at the bar.  Probably wondering where all the rum has gone.  <smile>  So everyone starts screaming her name, obviously confusing her distraction with deafness, and yes she does walk to the front of the room to get her prize after all the jealous losers quiet down.  She picks up the Starbucks card and Partybert makes a huge show of pointing out that I would not get it….sorry.  She looks at me….says, ‘oh was that for Heather? That’s ok, I don’t want to mess with her.’ <evil smile>  That’s right, Fraulein, respect Darth’s evil manipulation tactics.  Everyone laughed….because it was funny…..and because the Fraulein obviously has an excellent sense of humor and made the whole party worthwhile…..maybe I’ll go again next year.  I am Jack’s inflamed sarcasm.

Later gators,

Heather

P.S. – It’s called a “holiday” party because we are too pc to admit that we are celebrating Christmas.  Even though there were absolutely no Hanukkah decorations at the party and they played Christmas music the whole time…..So here is a list of other holidays celebrated in December: Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Bodhi Day, Frank Sinatra’s birthday, Cat Herders Day (12/15), Constitution Day (Russia), Pearl Harbor Day, Independence Day (Tanzania), Winter Solstice, Eid al-adha, Santa Lucia Day. So….. Happy Whatever!!!

So it occurred to me the other day that I am missing one of the very basic building blocks that almost all superior blogs have in common – The List.  Yes, I realize I have a list of worst things ever….but that only has like four things on it….which doesn’t really qualify as a List.  So I have decided to bestow upon you, gentle reader, my opinion on the greatest and not so greatest holiday movies of all time.  Because I love movies.  Which may be a contributing factor to my bowling ball-shaped physique.  <sigh>  But movies are great.  Movie theaters are great too, but only if they’re not crowded and only if there aren’t any obnoxious kids there.  Kids hopped up on malt balls and Swedish fish are completely incapable of sitting still in silence for more than….oh…..12 seconds.  And it is unfair to expect more of them.  It’s like giving a crack addict some crack and saying ok don’t smoke this.  The outcome is inevitable and it really shouldn’t surprise you.  And if it’s crowded in the movie theater….you are allowed to leave your seat exactly one time after the movie starts and one time only.  There’s no getting up and leaving fifty times while stepping on my toes or knocking my 5 gallon cup of pink lemonade over.  None of that.  Of course if I get my prime seat selection, which is exactly in the center of the theater, this is not a problem.  If your cell phone rings during the movie, I am going to beam a box Junior Mints at your face….at some random time when you’re not expecting it and because it’s dark you’ll have no idea it was me.  So don’t be a jerk and leave it on….or <heaven forfend> answer it if it rings.  I will hissssssssssss at you, which by the way, is a brilliant way to vocalize one’s disdain without being preachy.  Hisssssssssssssing is much better than tsking people or poo pooing them……it has a much higher evil meanie factor.  One other important feature of the movie-going experience is the Previews.  The Previews have been extended into about 30 minutes now.  There used to be like one or two….the last movie we went to see, I’m not kidding, we watched about 27 previews.  It was fantastic.  The Hubby and I very seriously debate the attendance probability after each blip.  Oh we’re definitely going to see that one….or, who thought of that piece of trash? Or I think we can wait for it to come out on DVD.    Of course, the Hubby thinks we can miss the previews if necessary or if it suits him….this makes me crazy.  In Darth’s little OCD routine of life, we must watch the previews….otherwise I get cranky. 

Now because it costs about $98 to see a movie in a theater these days, the Hubby and I subscribe to Netflix.  We have been faithful subscribers for about 3 years now.  Love it.  A lot.  I get to pick movies, add them to our queueueue (I have never been able to spell that word), and watch as many as we can each month.  It’s awesomely convenient.  And no more evil Blockbuster to deal with.  Seriously, if I had gotten one more nasty-gram for forgetting to pay a $4 late fee from those people, I think my head would have exploded.  Anything that has been released on DVD is available through Netflix.  Tv shows, workout videos, music videos, comedy shows.  Everything.  It’s fantastic.  And affordable.  There are very few things in this world that I would consider worthy of cold-calling people to sell.  This is one of those things.  And considering my total abhorrence of telemarketing, that is saying quite a bit. 

Film is an extremely important medium of entertainment.  The majority of my education that I have managed to retain in my massively huge brain has come from watching the same movies over and over again.  Ferris Bueller taught me voodoo economics.  The human head weighs 8 pounds.  Apollo 13 never landed on the moon.  I know several Latin phrases (i.e. carpe diem).  Napalm smells like victory.  Fava beans go well with Chianti.  The Hoosiers play in Indiana.  And of course, if you kill Inigo Montoya’s father, you should prepare to die.  There are basically two kinds of people out there – people who watch movies over and over again and people who don’t.  The Hubby doesn’t.  He watches a movie once and unless it’s the best movie he’s ever seen, he’ll never watch it again.  I….on the other hand…..watch movies a hundred times and never get tired of them.  It’s like hearing a good story told by good friends.  And those moments….those moments that make the movie.  They’re totally worth it.  Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, Al Pacino in Scarface, Kathy Bates in Misery, Kevin Spcaey in The Usual Suspects, Liam Neeson in Schindler’s List, Katherine Hepburn in The Lion in Winter.  Pick a moment.  They give you goose bumps.  They make you cry.  They make you want to cheer.

So anyway, in keeping with my holiday festive cheery and merry theme this month, I am going to list out for you my bestest most favoritest holiday movies ever.  These are not in any specific order….as that would have taken more time and forethought than I am willing to spend on you people.

1. Die Hard (1988 the original) – If you recall, this movie actually did take place during the Christmas holiday.  Bruce Willis as John McClane in his classic role.  Bruce Willis is the best action hero as far as I’m concerned because he always gets the crap beaten out of him and he makes that crazy fish face when he shoots people.  And instead of any trite holiday Merry Christmas sayings, we get ‘Yipee Ki Yay’.  <smile>

2. The Ref (1994)– If you’ve never seen this movie, you absolutely must.  It’s friggin hysterical.  Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey, Judy Davis and the family from hell.  This movie touches a nerve for all of you people out there who hate dealing with your families during the holidays.  Or, in other words, all of you.  Holiday-time families are the worst because they’re all stressed out.  And drunk.  Not.  Good.  Best holiday quote from the movie– ‘Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.’

3. Elf (2003)– Will Ferrell is in peak funny mode in this movie.  He acts like such an insane moron….you really can’t get enough of it.  And especially if there is someone like this that you know.  Someone that insists on being sugar sweet during the holidays and goes a little overboard with the whole Santa ruse.  I want to poke them in the eye.  Stop acting like a psychopath!!!  It happens once a year and I’m happy enough about it.  Best holiday quote from the movie- ‘I just like to smile.  Smiling’s my favorite!’

4. Lethal Weapon (1987 the first one) – Also took place during the Christmas season.  And was fabulous because of Mel Gibson.  Mostly all Australian actors are fabulous.  I feel bad that he’s gone completely bonkers now that he’s become a superpower.  That’s unfortunate.  Because I was so in love with him….now…..<wait for it>….I’m too old for this s**t.  Best holiday quote from the movie- ‘I don’t make things difficult.  That’s the way they get all by themselves.’

5. Scrooged (1988) – Classic Bill Murray.  This is funny, especially to me, because the Hubby is a major Scrooge.  He despises this holiday for more reasons than I can count.  But Murray makes me laugh…and he makes the Hubby laugh.  I think I learned how to be sarcastic from watching him.  Best holiday quote from the movie that’s not really a quote – when they’re gluing the antlers to the mouse and Murray suggests they use staples.  Be careful not to snort out any eggnog on that one.

6. Edward Scissorhands (1990) – Tim Burton in his prime.  Danny Elfman music.  Johnny Depp being weird.  There’s really nothing else to say.  And there is Christmas in it…watch it again if you don’t believe me.  This movie came out when I was a freshman in high school and going through my own weird morbid Robert Smith phase that all freshman go through I suppose….so it holds a special place in my heart.  Best holiday quote from the movie- ‘Avon calling!’

7. Mixed Nuts (1994) – Steve Martin is funny funny funny running a crisis hotline during the holidays.  And to make it EVEN BETTER, Madeline Kahn plays a character called Blanche Munchnik.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Munchnik.  Kind of like Ebert…you just have to laugh.  Best holiday quote from the movie- ‘Just remember that in every pothole there is hope. Well, you see, pothole is spelled P-O-T-H-O-L-E. So if you take the P, and add it to the H, the O, and the E, and rearrange the letters... or contrariwise, you remove the O, T, and the L, you get "hope". So, just remember, in every pothole there is hope!’

8. It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) – Just shut up.  I like muppets.  Especially Miss Piggy.  Seriously….not….one…..word.

9. Santa Claws (1996) – B-horror movie with no name actors and even less of a plot.  Which is exactly what makes it a b-horror movie.  And no….it’s not the feline holiday version of Cujo.  The killer, who thinks he’s Santa Claus, kills people with a claw.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  It’s funny because it’s so stupid.  No quotes from this movie.  This movie is all about the ambiance.  Roast some chestnuts and curl up in front of the fire.

10. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) – More Tim Burton, this is a cartoon musical.  The bad guy’s name is Oogey Boogey <smile>.  And the Mayor looks like a funnel, he’s my favorite.  On one side, he’s happy and on the other side he’s sad.  But in a freakishly scary way.  <smile> Kind of like me.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Best holiday quote from the movie- ‘I’m an elected official.  I can’t do anything by myself!!’

So that’s it.  That’s the List.  I don’t particularly care if you agree with me or not…but feel free to leave your own suggestions.  Your inferior knowledge about movies will provide for my amusement…unless you’re Skywalker and have memorized every horror movie ever made.  So anyway, if you are tired of watching It’s A Wonderful Life or Holiday Inn or a Christmas Story again…..try one of Darth’s recommendations.  They will lift your spirits and remind you why you are so miserable at this time of the year.

Happy loafing around on the couch you lazy bums!

Stay tuned for next week’s episode – Heather Goes to The Office Holiday Party for the First Time in Eight Years <evil giggle>

Later gators,

Heather

My most favorite movie quote (at least for today), it’s on the welcome mat in front of our house –

“Come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.”

                                                                        -As Good As It Gets