So it's already that time of year again.  The time of year for dressing up and pretending to get along with all of my coworkers.  "Get along" may be an overstatement....let's say I'm pretending not to hate them.  Have you guessed yet, gentle reader?  That's right, it's Staff Meeting Day in Audit-Land.  Staff Meeting Day is kind of like assembly/pep rally day in school....actually, it's remarkably similar to that.  You remember how you were never really that excited about the pep rallies because you were never into sports and screaming for the football team wasn't high on your list because you could have really cared less if they won and the cheerleaders made you want to gag because of their Stepford Wives smiles they had plastered all over their faces but you were happy not to be in class or more accurately not to be in gym class because this semester is the volleyball semester which is life's way of getting back at short people.  You remember that?  I feel the same way about Staff Meeting Day.  Still not too keen about the sports.  The Stepford Wives smiles still make me gag.  And the idea of being forced to jump up and attempt to spike a ball, with inevitably horrific results, still gives me anxiety attacks.  But plenty of people seem to enjoy these little get-togethers in Audit-Land.  I have a feeling these are people who put whiskey in their coffee.  But still.....it's the holiday season and People, in general, are being much nicer to each other than normal.  So I'll make an effort to pretend not to hate everybody. 

 

So.....some moron decided that it would be a great idea to host this year's Staff Meeting Day in Essex, otherwise known as the far side of the moon from loverly Germantown.  To be perfectly exact, it is 63 miles away from Germantown.  One way.  If gas still cost $6.63/gallon, there is a less than zero chance I would have bothered to go to this meeting.  And by the way, whoever came up with that idea, I'm not even going to pretend.  I hate you.  So I get up too early, as usual, because I have no idea how long it will take to drive to the far side of the moon....since no person in their right mind would do this on a regular basis.  It's raining and windy, blustery and miserable out.....like the gods are trying to tell me I should just stay home.  But I forge ahead.  I am slightly interested in attending this particular meeting.  Partly because I missed the last meeting, and I'm afraid if I miss too many, I will no longer recognize any of my coworkers.  And also partly because I have been nominated for an award.  Let me tell you about the award -

 

The award is for best Supreme Ruler of the Universe.  In order to be nominated for this award, you must have successfully brainwashed a few people into thinking you're awesome enough to deserve a personalized pen set....which is all being the best Supreme Ruler of the Universe merits apparently.  I am slightly surprised by my nomination, since I prefer to fly a bit more under the radar with the coworkers....of course I cannot always predict the behavior of my minions....even more interesting than being nominated for this award is the fact that there were four nominations.  And only three people can win the award.  <pause>  Ok, first of all....how do you have THREE best supreme rulers of the universe?  That's physically impossible.  Unless you're going to have some kind of cage match to decide the final best ultimate Supreme Ruler of the Universe.  Second of all....it has become glaringly obvious to me that winning this award will mean far less than....losing this award.  Seriously.  Consider, if I am one of four people nominated....and the other three win.....but not me.  How gloriously awful would that be....just another excuse to dislike the coworkers even more.

 

So anyway...I slide my way into the parking lot at this extremely posh community college and wander aimlessly around the campus until I find building J....or maybe it was building B....whichever building it was, I found it.  And then I realized I did not pick up any newspapers for my required crossword puzzle distraction.  This is kind of an emergency situation.  I really cannot be expected to pay attention during this entire meeting....I mean, the only reason I survived any of those pep rallies in school was because I was in the corner with the other AV nerds debating on which highly inappropriate song to blast out when the assembly was over and people began filing out of the gym.  And since I no longer have that option available to me....I really need some crossword puzzles.  The bookstore and cafeteria seem like the most likely place to find a newspaper....but of course it is still too early for normal people to be functioning....or for businesses to be open.....the only thing I find at the cafeteria/bookstore is a bunch of guys trying to put up one of those politically correct Christm-......I mean Holiday trees.  You know the ones with all the Christm-....I mean holiday ornaments and tinsel and lights and stars, and all that holiday stuff not affiliated with any particular religion.  Yeah so, there were like 8 guys trying to do this....which seemed slightly ridiculous to me....but whatever.  None of them knew where I could get a newspaper.

 

So having been defeated in my quest (apparently nothing newsworthy happens in Essex which is not really that surprising), I head back to the auditorium where this fiasco is going to be taking place.  I smile my big Stepford Wife smile at all the other early birds who found building J....or building B, or whichever it was....and scope out my seat in the back on the aisle.  Take a deep breath, relax.  This will be over before you know it.  I take a big swig of my coffee....and then realize that I have spilled it all over myself.  The cap of my travel mug was apparently not screwed on very tight and the coffee has dribbled out all over my sweater and skirt.  This would not normally be a very big deal....because normally my work uniform is completely black, with my binkie, aka black cardigan sweater wrapped around me.  But no...not today.  To perpetuate the charade that I am actually happy to be here, I have dressed myself up in a ridiculous costume of off-white and navy blue.  So naturally, my karma is here to bite me in the ass.  Now my off-white top has a big coffee stain on it.  Hallelujah.  This pretty much guarantees that I will be required to walk down in front of the coworkers at some point during this torture-fest so that everybody can stare at my coffee stain and wonder how a college educated woman has survived so long when she can't drink something without spitting it out all over herself.  Greeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. 

 

So after what feels like an eternity avoiding the coworkers' nonsense questions and small talk and stupid Redskins jokes.....the meeting gets started.  At the beginning of the meeting, the Emperor of Audit-Land handed out the toll free number for the suicide hotline to everybody after explaining how terrible the economy is and how we're all pretty much doomed.  Things won't be getting better any time soon.  Furloughs are inevitable.  We probably won't lose any positions (which is government-speak for, we might not have to fire anyone).  We won't be getting raises or cost of living adjustments.  Which is funny to me....since clearly most of us have already adjusted our cost of living.  Then of course the Emperor said Everybody appreciates our hard work (just so we'd know he was lying) and keep it up and be happy you still have a job.  Now that I am about as motivated as roadkill, the Emperor defers to his Number 2.  More good news from 2.  We don't suck as bad as we used to apparently, because we've met a few more performanc measures this year....I'm not terribly sure that measuring performance was very high on anyone's list after hearing that the government is close to collapse, the State is bankrupt and Kaybee Toys is going out of business.  But whatever.  The planet won't be exploding as soon as we first expected, since no one is buying cars in the U.S. right now....so measuring the performance of auditors will be a good distraction until that eventually happens.

 

Next up was Funnybert trying desperately to make Audit-Land understand humor....which has always been a losing battle.  Funnybert....it's the definition of insanity....but I appreciate you continuing to try.  We received a lecture on acronyms and how to make them more interesting.  I had a few suggestions myself....but managed to control my desire to contribute anything constructive.  Funnybert also announced that I had volunteered to host some kind of web log/discussion group for the coworkers.  'Volunteered' was an interesting choice of words....considering I have not 'volunteered' to do anything for the Office in the ten years I have worked here.  I supposed I volunteered to do this....my only concern is that in this forum, the blogging will be highly censored.  I have a feeling that the humor will be the first casualty of the censorship....but we'll see.  I may be acting needlessly pessimistic about the Emperor and 2's desire to laugh....or I may be acting with logic and reason based on the history of interaction I have had with the dark side.  We'll see.  Funnybert took too long being funny....I know this because I get highly irritable when I am not properly caffeinated.  When he was finally done being funny, we had a break....with more small talk and fake smiles and even more fake interest in the coworkers.

 

Back from the break and now it's time for the best Supreme Ruler of the Universe award.  <evil grin>  I think it would be awesome to not win this award....considering the coffee stain and the large amount of whining I could indulge in here......but of course I do, I mean come on....it's ME.  Of course I won.  My jedi mind tricks have successfully brainwashed all the coworkers into thinking I care....when really I am just measuring their performance against my own personal scale.  Like - on a scale of 1 to 10, how successful was Coworker #1 in not annoying me on a daily basis.  Or, on a scale of 1 to 10, how successful was Coworker #2 in being silent during my lunch break, not forwarding me stupid e-mail jokes, and bribing me with cash or stolen office supplies.  So anyway, despite the fact that this award was inevitable....I am kind of dreading walking down in front of the Office to accept my certificate.  First of all....because the coffee stain is clearly distracting people.  And second of all, this auditorium has about 3 billion stairs to walk down, which translates into 3 billion chances for me to fall and break my legs and embarrass myself in front of the coworkers.  This may sound a little hypocritical to you, gentle reader.  Since I don't care a whole lot about the coworkers to begin with....why would I care about looking like a total idiot in front of them?  That's easy.  Because nobody wants to look like an idiot....especially when you're being presented with a Supreme Ruler of the Universe award, regardless of who they're in front of.....anxiety about this makes me write sentences that end in prepositions.  It's very serious.  But if I don't win....I could sit in my seat and stew for the remainder of the meeting and plan diabolical schemes to thwart the success of the Office in the future or draw pictures of my Death Star....because I am an extremely vindictive vengeful person.  But it wasn't me.  I wasn't the loser.  It was one of the IT guys....because nobody pays attention to them....until our e-mail doesn't work.  I have a feeling we won't know when he gets his revenge, until it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late.

 

After concentrating very hard on putting one foot in front of the other, I managed to get down the stairs without any huge disasters.  I grabbed my highly coveted certificate, shook hands with the dark side and ran back up the stairs to collapse in my seat sighing with relief.  "Ran" may be an overstatement.  It wasn't until I got back to my seat that I realized nobody gave me a personalized pen set....that's unfortunate.  That was going right on ebay as soon as I got home.  Then I suddenly realized how muggy it is in this auditorium.  I am concerned that the dark side is trying to make the coworkers fall asleep so they can tie our shoelaces together and write acronyms on our foreheads with big green markers....because it so f*****g hot in here!!!  And don't worry, my paranoia level is relatively normal.....I know it may seem higher than usual.....but what do you expect.  I got an award.  You would be paranoid too.  I got another certificate later on for enduring the Office for a decade.  We give awards like that because not many people stay here that long.  It's why we applaud the new people.  But, if you think about it, it's like getting gifts for your anniversary.  I'm not talking about gifts from your spouse.  Because they owe you.  I'm talking about gifts from other people.  It's just weird.  Congratulations.  You managed to stay married for another year.  Here's your consolation prize for not figuring out how to get rid of him yet.  Congratulations....you beat the odds!  Congratulations, none of us thought you guys would last this long.  That's what this certificate feels like.

 

Just as I am trying to remember which circle of hell was reserved for the torturers....assuming that must be where I am, considering the temperature in this auditorium, the Emperor announces that we can leave.  The rest of the coworkers file out for some $26 pasta at the Office Holiday Party.  And no, I will not be attending one of these again.  I figure one a decade is all they can really expect from me....I find my way back to the rainy dreary Baltimore beltway and start the 60-mile trek back home....relieved that I did not fall on my face or spontaneously combust in the heat.  I am also extremely happy that this is over so I can stop pretending to be so nice.  It's exhausting.

 

Later gators,

Obnoxious Little Auditor

 

 

We left off in the last episode with Papa Petrelli sucking all of Hiro's power out through his head.  We start at the same place, except Papa sees one of the African guy's paintings and gets distracted.  Ando tries to get Hiro to blink them both away....but Hiro is befuddled, talking about waffles, and then they do blink away just in the nick of time.  The painting Papa P was looking at is the planet exploding....the end of the world.  Again.  Hiro has teleported himself and Ando to a bowling alley that serves the best waffles in the world.  After some confusion, Ando discovers Hiro thinks he is ten years old.  So.....Papa P wasn't sucking out his powers.....he was taking away his memory.  I guess. 

 

Ok.  Time for some father-son bonding.  Papa Petrelli blips his way back home and tells Sylar he knows that he saved Peter.  He also knows that the hunger Sylar has is for power, not a blood lust.  He tells Sylar he can get powers from people without killing them, he just has to use empathy.  Is that how Papa Petrelli does it?  So he puts Sylar in a cell with Elle Bell.  She recognizes him as Bing's killer and shoots him full of blue electricity.  Sylar says, you deserve vengeance.  Let me have it. 

 

Now we're with Claire Bear and Peter.  Peter thinks Claire Bear should go home, to stay innocent.  He says, you end up killing me in the future....and the only way I can prevent that from happening is if you stop turning into a killer.  And Claire Bear is like, oh no.  So Fire Guy and Fear Guy show up to get Peter...and Claire Bear tells Peter to run, she has a plan.  Apparently, Claire Bear's brilliant idea was jumping out of a window after Peter had a chance to run down the fire escape.  Great Claire....brilliant idea.  The alley they end up in has another picture of the apocalypse, it looks like the same alley she shoots him in in the future....maybe that's reaching.  They escape into the sewer.

 

And here's Mohinder.  Remember him?  I feel like we haven't talked about him in a while....anyway, he has totally destroyed his human experient.  The guy looks like a freak.  Papa Petrelli walks into the lab and Mohinder is depressed because he can't figure out a cure for himself....nevermind the guy suffering in the corner that you have been testing on.  Papa notices Mohinder has been Googling solar flares.  He explains that a lot of the powers manifested during the previous solar eclipse.  He can't figure out the catalyst that makes the powers work though....it must be something carried in a living human being.  Papa thinks that Sulu must have hidden it.

 

So Parkman and Flashypants are at Primatech and they find Mama Petrelli in her coma.  Parkman says he has to help her.  Flashypants speeds away to Papa, and he says let him try.  If he does anything, Papa P will be waiting. 

 

Back to Claire and Peter.  Claire Bear is mad because Peter keeps telling her she's turning into a killer.  She says, it's your fault.  You're the one who came to my rescue.  You're the one who became my friend and my hero.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....that actually is kind of sweet.  So Fire Guy and Fear Guy are on their trail, and Peter runs ahead so Claire Bear can defend him.  But oh....here's a wrench in that plan.  They're not after Peter.  They're after HER.  Uh oh.  So Peter cuts a gas line and lures the bad guys in.  When Fire Guy tries to fry, the gas ignites and Peter and Claire escape.  Saved her again, Peter.  You must be a hero.  Man, he is really cute....I just wish he wouldn't scowl so much. 

 

Cut back Hiro and Ando in the bowling alley.  Hiro is rediscovering his abilities and handling it with all sorts of comic relief.

 

Sylar and Elle Bell start to bond after she gets tired of frying him.  She begs him to kill her.  He reaches out to touch her face, and all of the sudden he has her powers....without cutting her brain open.  Well, that takes all the fun out of it.  But now the pain Elle Bell was in, is gone.  Now Elle Bell likes him, and teaches him how to use the blue electricity. 

 

Nathan and the Ice Queen show up at Pinehearst to see Papa risen from the dead.  Papa says you were always my favorite, Nathan.  Let's make history.  That whole schpeel sounded kind of lame....but lame Nathan seems to be falling for it.  When he leaves the office he tells the Ice Queen to go back to Washington and cover for him.  He needs to see Mama again.  But the Ice Queen is not impressed by Nathan, so she goes back into Pinehearst and tells Papa Petrelli that she can help him get Nathan on board as long he looks out for her in the end.  Making deals. 

 

So Parkman is in Mama Petrelli's head.  Mama says you should not have come.  She warns him about Papa Petrelli, but it's too late.  All the doors in Coma Land have been locked and then Flashypants shows up and stabs Parkman.  In reality, Flashypants tries to wake Parkman up when she sees that he actually has started to bleed like he was really stabbed.  This gets a little confusing, but the real Flashypants gets into Coma Land too, Papa is there telling Parkman not to trust a woman, two Flashypants are arguing with Parkman, then Mama tells Papa to let her go and he does.  Everyone wakes up and everyone is ok.  Very weird.  Then Peter and Claire Bear show up at Primtech.  Parkman thinks Peter is going to blip him off to Africa again, but oh no, Parkman that was my future self....I'm on your side.  And because that makes so much sense, Parkman just believes him. 

 

Mohinder does finally put the incredible hulk out of his misery.

 

Now that Ando has convinced Hiro he really does have powers, they blip to a comic book store, which Hiro refers to as the source of all knowledge.  <smile>  Love it.  They find a copy of their comic book and see a picture of an eclipse with the caption "It's coming."

 

Now Nathan is at Primatech with the rest of the good guys.  Mama Petrelli explains that Papa has both halves of the formula, but he must still be missing something.  She already knows about the catalyst and explains that Sulu has hidden it inside a human host.  Claire Bear says, well it must be me.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Talk about thinking you're God's gift.  I'm just kidding, it didn't sound as conceited as that....she just remembered Sylar telling her she was special after he sniffed her brain.

 

Back at Pinehearst, and all the bad guys are in a group around Papa Petrelli.  He is sketching with the white eyes, and when he's done, we see the same picture that was in the comic book.  The eclipse with the caption - 'It's coming."

 

Honestly....nothing really seemed to happen in this episode.  It was actually really frustrating.  All build-up for this eclipse stuff.  Well.  It better be good. That's all I can say....it better be good.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

 

This episode is a flashback.  The whole thing is an explanation of Papa Petrelli's past and how the villains became villains.  I don't mind flashback episodes, especially if it actually answers some questions.  They use Hiro's spirit walk as an excuse to show us all this....apparently he needs to understand the villains better which is why he's seeing it too.  So we go back to a party, sounds like an anniversary party, for Mama and Papa Petrelli.  Linderman is there, asking Nathan why he's being investigated.  Apparently Nathan knows he's a bad guy and won't back off.  Linderman conferences with Papa P and tells him if Nathan digs too deep he'll see Papa's involved too.  So Papa makes a reference to Shakespeare and when the son challenges the father, only one is left standing.  Like Hamlet?  Except of course he didn't go up against his father, he went up against his uncle who killed his father.  As a matter of fact....I can't think of any Shakespeare sons who killed their father?  What a weird analogy to add in there....

 

Anyway.  Fire Guy and Fire Girl are related....<nodding> yup, that makes sense.  They're robbing a liquor store together and a Company Agent (Mr. Eric Roberts) interrupts them.  Fire Girl distracts the agent so that her brother can get away.  Cut to Sylar who is trying to kill himself.  This must have been after he realized what he could do.  But what's this?  Elle Bell walks into his watch shop, sees him hanging himself, fries the rope and tells him everything is going to be ok.  He doesn't realize she has powers too....she tells him it was fate that the rope broke.  It means he gets a second chance.  Poor Sylar asks for forgiveness.  Forgiveness?  He calls Elle Bell an angel....aha, so we're back to the religion allusions.  Elle Bell says, and this was interesting, everybody does bad things.  Why yes, yes they do.  So she leaves and we find out that she's working with Claire Bear's dad for the Company.  They are apparently monitoring Sylar to see what he is capable of....well.  That doesn't sound so good, does it? 

 

Back at the Company and Eric Roberts offers Fire Mom the option to be a prisoner in Level 5, or an agent.  Is that the same thing?  Not sure.  The Fifth Circle of Hell, by the way, according to Dante's Inferno is for the wrathful and sullen (expressed and repressed anger).....more religion stuff I guess.  So she decides to be an agent.  Cut back to the Petrelli's and here's Papa asking Nathan to back off of Linderman.  He says no.  And then we get to see the car accident again where Nathan's ex was paralyzed.  You know....the first time I saw this, I think it was in the first season, I just assumed he was flying for the first time.  But now it looks more like he's being pulled out of the car by someone.  Someone saves him.....probably his dad.  At the hospital Nathan confronts Papa and says, Linderman did this and I'm taking him down and if you stand in the way, you're going with him.  Time for Papa to choose between his friends or his family.  But I think he's already made that choice.  Later that night Mama wants Papa to say that he had nothing to do with it.  But of course he can tell her whatever he wants and just get the Haitian guy to wipe her memory clean later. 

 

Now we're back with Fire Mom and Eric Roberts.  They go to get one of the "villains".  The guy's fist turns into iron (well that's cool!) and he knocks out Eric Roberts.  Then Fire Mom saves the day.  Fire Mom locks up the Iron Fist and sees her brother in a cell in Level 5.  Fire Guy thinks he's going to be an agent too, but Fire Mom thinks he's just too dumb to know any better.

 

Now we're with Sylar again.  He has the map of "heroes" that Dr. Suresh gave him.  Elle Bell shows up with a pie.  Pie can make anybody do anything....can't it?  Sylar throws away the list of heroes and then when he's distracted Elle Bell grabs the list out of the trash.  Then he shows her what he can do and she pretends to think it's cool.  <shaking my head>  Men are so easy.....they really are.  Sylar admits that his power makes him hungry, that he wants to be more special.  Elle Bell says, you're special just the way you are.....<shaking my head>.....which is the best thing to say if you want someone to feel like a loser.  Papa Bennett says they need to see Sylar kill someone, so they are going to bait him with one of the heroes on the list that Elle Bell stole.  Elle Bell does seem to be having second thoughts about their entrapment plan....

 

After the break we're with the Petrellis again.  Papa P is scheming with Linderman, when Mama overhears.  Before she can do anythign drastic, Papa brainwashes her into thinking that Nathan needs to die.  Later on Linderman comes back, apparently feeling sorry for the repetitive lobotomies Papa has been giving Mama.  He heals her brain, which allows her to remember everything.

 

Fire Mom breaks her brother out of the Company.  Eric Roberts shows up to stop them.  Fire Guy gets away again, and Fire Mom blows everybody up.  Eric Roberts has Fire Mom handcuffed again after the explosion and asks her why she hates the Company so much.  She says that they killed her daughter, Claire.  And because this show loves irony, you can actually see Claire in the background in her little cheerleader uniform running into the fire....and Eric Roberts for some reason decides to let her go saying it's payback for the death of her child....

 

Back to Sylar and Elle Bell.  They are having dinner, and oh by the way, Elle Bell invited a special guest who happens to be one of the people on Sylar's list.  The special guy explodes a glass or something and Elle Bell pretends to be all impressed so that Sylar gets jealous.  Which of course he does, but instead of beating the guy up, he rips open his brain.  Elle Bell tries to stop him, but he throws her to the side.  Elle Bell is very sad that this is all her fault....she says, we've created a monster.  Or made a villain.  Papa Bennett says, pull yourself together, we'll catch the guy soon enough.  Our job is not to save the world, just to follow orders.  Oh the irony.  Then he gets into a cab, that Peter Petrelli just got out of....that is being driven by Mohinder.....this is the scene from season 1.....it all comes full circle.  I love how they did this.

 

Mama and Papa Petrelli are having dinner now too, with the Haitian standing behind them to keep Papa from brainwashing anybody.  Mama starts acting all weird about how Papa doesn't know her.  She says he's lost his soul.  And then he falls over, apparently poisoned by the soup he was eating.  Before she and the Haitian can get rid of the body, Nathan shows up....so they take him to the hospital instead so Nathan doesn't know what happened.  Then a doctor tells them that Papa has died.  But he didn't.....the doctor is under Papa's telepathic mind control.  He is paralyzed though, and the paralysis is not reversible.  I'm kind of confused by this....since Linderman can heal people.....why doesn't he heal Papa P?  Mama P had asked for Papa to be cremated immediately, so at the funeral everybody is looking at his urn.  Mama explains to the Petrelli boys that their Papa was not a good man....he was bad in ways they'll never know......don't speak too soon Angela.....

 

Last scene - Hiro wakes up from his spirit walk knowing the Papa Petrelli is still alive.  They hear someone scream and find the African guy decapitated.  Then Papa Petrelli materializes out of thin air and grabs Hiro's head.  And he starts to scream.

 

I tried to sum this one up a little more along the story lines and now how the actually show went.  The show jumps around too much to be able to write about it coherently in the same timeline.  Anyway, the episode was titled Villains.  Obviously it showed us how Papa Petrelli was a villain, not how he became one....but how he "survived" death, and it showed us how Sylar became a villain.  I'm not sure what the Fire Mom storyline had to do with Villains....maybe that they treated her line one...but she really wasn't.  <shaking my head>  This episode started off bad with the Shakespeare refernce....don't try to get a bad Shakespeare analogy past moi....that won't work in a million years.  Hamlet was avenging his father, killed by his uncle.  If anything it probably applies more to Claire.  She will no doubt have to avenge Nathan's death at the hands of Peter.  To be or not to be.  If you haven't read this monologue in a while, or ever, you should.  You'll probably understand it now.  To be or not to be.  To endure or to surrender.  To live or to commit suicide.  It's interpreted many different ways, only because many different people have read it.  The conscience does make cowards of us all.  Yes it does....but it also makes heroes and villains.

 

I know I'm behind on these...I'll try to get them updated as soon as possible.

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

Night 27 at the newly merged Nobag tribe.  This is one of the lamest merged tribe names I think I have ever heard on this show.  I mean....come on.....No Bag?  What does that even mean?  I think I'll call them BarfBag because that's what the stupid name makes me think of....ridiculous....Kenny still thinks he's King of the Universe for getting Marcus, Dan and now Charlie voted out.  Don't let your head get too big, Ken.  That little toothpick body of yours won't be able to support the weight and you'll fall over backwards. 

 

So the next morning Sugar Spice is chatting with Orville...and maybe because she hypnotized him....he decides to tell her he has a fake idol.  <long pause>  Come ON Orville?  What are you thinking???  How is that information worth anything if you don't keep it to yourself???  And of course Sugar Spice says nothing about having the real one...which Orville didn't even press her on....The Wedding Hater and Corinne decide they are going to need Matty Patty for a voting majority.  Good luck with that guy.  I think he's cracking up pretty fast. 

 

It's time for the reward challenge....which isn't much of a challenge this week because it's time for the Auction!!!  This is always pretty boring to me.  Yeah.  So they get to eat.  Big deal.  But of course, it's a big deal to them.  If I ever decided to turn into a completely masochistic person and deprive myself of something like chocolate or coffee for 28 days....then it would probably be a big deal to me too.  Everybody gets $500 to bid with at the auction.  Jeffy tells them they can't share food or cash.  Huh.  The Wedding Hater wins the first item - 3 beers and a bowl of peanuts.  Kenny wins the next mystery item, which is the chance to send someone to Exile and take their money.  So he sends Orville and takes his cash.  Sugar Spice wins chocolate and peanut butter...you go girl!!  The next item is a bath and clean clothes.  Suzie wins it....but she has to take a bath in front of everybody and she's only in it for like 10 minutes.  Everybody is kind of surprised....me too!  If I spent over $300 on a bath, I'd be in it until they pushed me out.  Matty Patty wins a burger and fries for $400.  Yeah...I'd probably bet that much on a burger too.  Randy wins spaghetti, garlic bread and wine.  Holy cow!!  I'd probably take the Italian food over anything else.  Corinne gets a secret message in a secret bottle for a secret advantage at the next immunity challenge.  Randy buys a mystery plate that Jeffy tells him he has to share with everyone.  Turns out to be a plate of cookies.  And now the drama starts....

 

The Wedding Hater offers Sugar Spice the first cookie, and she turns it down.  So he gives everybody else a cookie and gives the extra one to Corrine.  Corrine splits it in half and shares it with Matty Patty.  Then, the Wedding Hater offers his cookie to Sugar Spice, and she takes it.  Then....gives it to Matty Patty.  Oh no....you di-idn't!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Jeffy poo is surprised.  The Wedding Hater is irate.  And Sugar Spice just showed a little bit more of who she really is underneath that sweet little smile.  And the Wedding Hater holds on to his hate for a looooooooooooooong time.  Back at camp, he explains to Matty Patty that that cookies he got was in fact the Wedding Hater...like he wanted Matty Patty to thank him for it.  He tells Matty Patty that he won't make it to the end with his current alliance...he'll need to vote with Corinne and the Wedding Hater to make it to the final three. 

 

Orville is out at Exile having a walkabout.

 

The next day, Matty Patty explains the pecking order to everybody.  He thinks Orville should go first, then the Wedding Hater and then Corinne.  I'm not sure I totally agree with that...but everybody else does so whatever.  So the Wedding Hater comes up with a plan to make everybody hate him, so they'll vote for him and then he get Orville to give him the hidden immunity idol he is assuming that Orville has found (why doesn't anyone think Sugar Spice found the idol during one her 18 trips to Exile?)....it's kind of a weak plan, but I have a feeling that the Hater is desperate.  And besides...everybody hates him already. 

 

So now, it's time for the immunity challenge.  You run across a balance beam with a bag of puzzle pieces which are actually dominoes...but Jeffy poo can't call them dominoes because that word is trademarked.  So he calls them puzzle pieces.  So they have to set up the "puzzle pieces" like dominoes so they domino into a block that raises a flag.  To make setting up the dominoes more difficult, the survivors have to crawl through a spiderweb maze that could also topple all of their dominoes if they are not careful.  That's probably more confusing than it needs to be.  And on top of that the whole thing is in two stages.  The first two to make it across the balance beams first, get to move on to the domino part.  Corinne's super secret message advantage that she won in the auction gets her directly into the domino round.  So Matty Patty and the Giant-Killer Kenny make it to the domino round with her.  So there's lots of crawling through strings and setting up dominoes without calling them dominoes and Matty Patty's psychotic laugh....and in the end they all try to get their dominoes to fall at the same time.  But Giant-Killer Kenny is the only smart enough to figure out how dominoes work...and he wins.  Something tells me Kenny spent a lot of time with dominoes when he was a kid. 

 

The next ten minutes was like watching the movie Titanic.  It was pretty good for a movie that you already knew the ending to....Orville talks to Sugar Spice who asks him to give his fake idol to the Wedding Hater and because this idea of being a millionaire has sucked the soul out of Orville, he agrees.  Corinne asks Orville to give the Hater his idol (assuming that he found it....because Sugar Spice could not possibly have found it first) after telling him about the Hater's plan to make everyone hate him.  So soulless Orville gives the Hater the fake idol and we're off to tribal council with Sugar Spice in the background wringing her hands with evil glee.

 

Ok, so Jeffy poo starts things off with the Cookie Fiasco.  The Hater hates Sugar Spice and she thinks he's ridiculous.  Corinne says everyone is tense....nice way to point out the obvious there.  Crystal says she hates the Hater.  Orville pretends to not know what an idol is and the Hater says he is nervous about going home.  Ok....time to vote!  I don't normally talk about them voting because they never show us anything we don't already know, but here's something funny.  Crystal doesn't even bother whispering to the camera, she's practically yelling when she says she's voting for the Hater.  Heehee....hilarious.  So, once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Then Jeffy poo asks if anyone wants to play a hidden immunity idol....and here we go.  Corinne has this knowing smile on her face and she's practically winking at Marcus on the jury....the Hater gives Jeffy poo his fake idol.  And Jeffy tosses it in the fire, like the trash that it is....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I LOVE that he throws those into the fire....Corinne is stunned and the Hater must know he's going home.  You can tell he's trying to hold it together....while pretty much everyone else is not really trying to hold back their laughter.  Orville does look like he might feel a teensy bit guilty about it....I have a feeling if Orville makes it to the end, the Hater will fillet him at the final council.  So obviously, the Hater gets voted out.  I'm kind of glad, he was starting to annoy me even though I usually root for the people-hater. 

 

The lesson for today's episode - eat your own damn cookies.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Only 9 are left.  Night 24 at the Coca Cola tribe.  Kenny is pleased with himself for masterminding these blindsides.  Orville knows his number is up…that bowtie is ridiculous by the way.  He says, "I know I’m history, even though I teach science."  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  You’re hilarious Bob. 

 

At the Teeth Tribe, they have no food and they can’t make fire.  Holy bajeebers, these people are losers.  You know....you people would DIE if you actually did have to survive out in the jungle some day.  You'd die.  <shaking my head>  Anyway, they're all praying for a merge so they can eat....but no such luck.  The challenge is golf, Survivor style.  Corinne wants to see Marcus….uh oh.  Somebody’s going to be upset.  The tribes walk in to the Challenge and see that Hollywood is gone.  Corinne and Happy are visibly upset.  She says, he didn’t deserve to leave.  And Kenny says, well then who does.  Corinne back pedals immediately.  Way to put her on the spot Kenny.....and make yourself look like kind of a jerk.  Their reward is some kind of tribal feast with the locals.  That’s always fun.  The golf game is using sling shots, which is kind of hysterical.  Coca Cola wins the first hole.  The Teeth win the second hole.  The third hole will decide the winner.  This actually looks like a really fun game.  On the third shot, Coca Cola goes way past the hole, and the Teeth hit it right next to the hole.  On the fourth shot, Coca Cola gets it right next to the hole.  The Teeth can win it, but the Wedding Hater and Matty Patty are arguing and Happy is trying to make everyone happy.  Matty has that psycho laugh, and then the Wedding Hater gets all whiny about it.  So the Teeth send Orville to Exile, which was a good idea except of course for the fact that Sugar Spice already has the idol.

 

The Wedding Hater is totally blowing the whole thing out of proportion, but whatever.  They’re just hungry.  So it’s off to the jungle for some food and dancing.  The locals start by giving the Teeth a bath, which I can understand because they probably stink.  Happy is not very happy about Hollywood being gone.  After they eat some local food paste, it’s time to dance.  The Wedding Hater thinks one of the women likes him, so he is clearly delusional.  Maybe they were eating some kind of Gabonese peyote....Matty starts dancing like a weirdo. 

 

Back at Coca Cola, and Kenny is stuck in the middle of the lake, he’s just paddling around in circles.  Seriously?  How is this guy still alive?  So he pulls the net out of the water with three fish, and he thinks he’s the man.  Oh dear Lord.  Orville is out at Exile and he takes the clues.  Man…I feel bad for him.  He gets through all of the clues, and then of course he can’t find the idol.  Why is it so hard to believe that Sugar Spice found it?  So Orville decides to make his own idol.  It’s much better than Ozzie’s fake idol, remember that one? 

 

Time for the Immunity challenge and it’s fire time.  The Wedding Hater calls Crystal ‘Sasquatch’.  Wow…..he’s pretty awful, isn’t he?  Heeheehee…love it.  But before they can do the challenge, Jeffy poo announces that they are merged.  Nice!!  Orville has a better chance now.  The fire-making is an individual challenge.  The first person to burn through their rope, wins.  Suzie is the first one to get a flame and it’s really going.  Matty is trying to chop his fingers off.....um......wrong challenge Matty Patty......Saw IV came out a while ago.....  Then Sugar Spice gets her flame going.  And these two ladies are the only ones who can make fire….which is funny because they were the last two anyone expected.  Suzie won.  That one was boring, because it was kind of obvious that she was going to win from the beginning.  They’re going back to the Teeth camp.  Day 27 and they are finally one tribe. 

 

They have more food.  Finally.  So they’re not going to starve anymore….which should make things slightly less interesting.  After they eat, everyone scatters to plot and scheme.  The Wedding Hater asks Happy if he’s heard anything about anything.  <chuckle>  What a great question!  So they want Crystal to go home.  Everybody knows that Sugar Spice is in the middle.  Corinne and Happy tell Sugar Spice that they want to vote for Crystal, but Sugar wants to vote for the Wedding Hater.  Corinne says, welllllllllll…let’s vote for Crystal first and then Randy.  <shaking my head>  So Sugar is like, ok.  Corinne thinks Sugar is a moron, but I’m not sure….she may be very very smart or very very dumb.

 

Crystal, Matty, and Suzie want to get rid of Corinne and then the evil mastermind Kenny says, no we should vote for Happy because he’s the brains behind everything.  Which is of course not true, Kenny is just holding a grudge against Happy for spoiling his hidden immunity idol clue at the beach feast.  So Kenny pulls Sugar Spice to the side, and tells her about Happy.  Sugar, who has absolutely no reason to believe Kenny, or anyone for that matter, doesn’t know who she is voting for.  The tribe decides to name themselves the ‘Nobag’ tribe which is Gabon backwards in case you couldn’t figure that out.  Very creative people we have here.  I think they need more sugar and caffeine in their diet....it's difficult to be creative without sugar and caffeine highs....

 

Time for tribal council.  Marcus walks in and oh my, Hollywood looks very good cleaned up, doesn’t he?  Jeffy poo says don’t talk to the Jury.  Jeffy asks the Wedding Hater what was the problem at the reward challenge?  Crystal calls out Randy and says why do you have a problem with me.  He tells her it’s because of the GC/Crystal alliance at the beginning.  Crystal says, look what you see is what you get.  Kenny says, my opinion of Happy has changed, I think he's a good person now….ooooooo, what a snake....of course you say that now, since you're voting him out.  The Wedding Hater, says yeah, Kenny has changed.  He’s more grown up (tranlsate: more of a snake).  Ok, now time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  The Wedding Hater calls Crystal a bitch when he writes her name down….wow….he has some real issues, doesn’t he?  So it’s between Crystal and Charlie.  Four votes in a row for Crystal and then the Charlie votes start.  Sugar Spice is crying….man she’s a cryer.  So Happy is voted out, and I guarantee you he’s happy to see Hollywood on the jury.

 

Another man down, thanks to Kenny.  When will people start realizing this kid is pulling all the strings?

 

Later gators,

Heather