Hello American Idol Geniuses,

Every week the pressure goes up….blah blah blah….Seacrest is reminding us of the obvious here.  He is wearing his standard blue suit and jeans.  The Hubby is being just plain rude with his sarcasm.  Yes.  Yes dear, 90 minutes.  I don’t know why they won’t show House.  90 minutes.  Yes.  The TV Guide is right.Congratulations to Jennifer Hudson; Seacrest is taking all the credit on behalf of American Idol.  I think Jennifer Hudson learned how to display her boobs in a dress from our one and only Paula.  Ryan is spatting with the Cowell already.  Why is Jeff Foxworthy there?  That’s kind of weird.

Moby is dedicating his song to the military….huh…..he joined after 9-11.  Well, for crying out loud…..between Baby Baldy and rooting for our men in uniform…..there’s no chance anyone will vote for him…..right?  I really don’t like this song….it sounds like he’s asleep…..the Hubby is scrunching his face up and mumbling something like ‘good karaoke’ under his breath.  Randy liked it….please stop with the Dawg nonsense.  Paula says she can hear him right now on the radio….that’s our druggie Paula.  Simon says he’s not jumping out of his chair.  But everything else about him is nice.  Simon said good karaoke….OOOOoooOOOOOO….if the Hubby starts thinking like that crazy Brit, then we’ll be getting somewhere.  Seacrest is making stupid jokes and Moby is laughing….<sigh>….nevermind, he just lost some points in my mind.  But he’ll stick around.

Meatloaf is telling Seacrest that We Onliners told him not to be so ‘crappy’.  AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s right, my minions.  Keep it coming.  We’ll make him wish he never tried out for this show.  Quitino Mobley is up next (Jared the cutie) and he wants to sing some Marvin Gaye.  He’s dedicating his song to his parents.  Awwwwwww, how cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute.  He’s making me giggle like a school girl with this rendition.  Nice.  Easy on the eyes.  I don’t know about the whole hands down the face thing….but hey….not bad.  Randy has his big sundial watch on again, he liked the hands down the face move and he asks Paula if she likes it….and she goes, well….maybe when he does it.  Funny stuff.  The Cowell was laughing…..and then he goes, it was kind of Love Boat and Quitino, without missing a beat, says ‘That would have been a great Love Boat.’  <smile>  Awesome.

Ajax is singing now and he’s dedicating his song to his parents too.  I like this song, but I don’t know the name of it….and the Hubby doesn’t know what it is either…..he’s some crazy drag queen dance moves.  That’s ok, AJ, I like the voice.  It’s been broughten, kiddies.  Heehee.  Randy says it was better than last week, kind of nice.  Paula starts off complimenting the band…ok.  Simon that was nearly very good.  He stood out and showed a bit of personality….and strangely looked comfortable.  He makes even compliments sound bad. 

We’re at goal #8 in the Capitals game.  Just in case you guys missed it.  We’re playing the Panthers and half of our team is on the injured list.    Except for A. O.  The Man.  So….haha….I’m watching A.O. and A.I.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  I guess that wasn’t really as funny as it sounded in my head.  Oh…and the Wizards and my man Gilbert Arenas (G.A. doesn’t really work does it) are up by two.  We’ll be watching that too apparently.

Bollywood is singing now….he’s dedicating his song to his grandpa.  Sorry.  Dead grandpa.  Never hurts.  But listen, the hat is nice, at least we don’t have to look at your hair….but seriously, this song is sooooooooooooo terrible.  Oh wow….even mom knows what’s coming.  I don’t think he was ever EVER with this music.  Randy didn’t like it, he called it weak, a bad high school performance.  Paula says, at least you were on pitch.  Simon starts pressing for her for an answer and she says I like songs from that era….and Simon says did you like it or not….and she says I don’t like you.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  She is on FIRE tonight.  Simon says it was ghastly…..and then they make the poor kid tell them why he sang it…..he’s trying not to cry.  That’s ok kiddo, you’ll be home next week and you won’t need to worry about what you’re doing next.  Seacrest says I’m sure your grandpa is proud of you.  Sure Seacrest.  Listen….me, personally…..if I die and you can’t sing….don’t dedicate a song to me.  Alright?  Unless you’re Sherman and you really really love me.  That’s not being unfeeling and shallow (I’m not trying to be rude)…I’m just saying…if it was me……

Christina is singing now…and he’s dedicating his song to wife.  WIFE?!?!?!  What the hell?!?!?!  How old is this guy?  And his wife?  Is totally hot?  A totally hot blonde.  I am dumbfounded….the Hubby is just staring at me on the couch.  Christina is singing Trouble.  The Hubby thinks he looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid.  Aw, Christina, you know I love you….but this song isn’t blowing me away.  Your wife might keep you in this competition.  Of course, the end, was fantastic.  So nevermind everything else I said.  He’s awesome.  Randy liked it a lot.  Paula says, me too.  You’re real awesome.  Simon says we voted you through because you’re a good singer, and that was good.  How can you not vote for the cute pudgy face? 

Goal #9 in the Caps game, period 2….the Hubby is silently reminding me, through that Married Couple Mind-Meld thing we have, that this hackey game is much more exciting than a singing competition. 

The Quitter (Nick) is singing next and he is dedicating his song to his girlfriend.  How cute.  Sort of….if you become famous….there’s no chance you’re staying with this girl.  Fever.  Well, sorry, the Hubby pointed out that she is kind of cute…..huh….I guess.  You know, this house band is quite good.  Paula was right?!?!?!?!  I think they may have finally got her mix of drugs correct this week.  She is awfully coherent.  He kind of reminds me of Mike Myers in So I Married an Axe Murderer….for some reason…..it was ok.  But.  Better than Meatloaf (who hasn’t even sang yet, and Bollywood).  Randy liked it.  Kind of nice.  Paula said..<I like her hair> and then Simon said, I thought it was good but he lacked charismer…..he didn’t like his outfit and complimented the drummer…..I think somebody is sharing their scrips…….

Aside: The Safeway had Official Judge’s Coke cups in the store this weekend.  I came theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees close to buying them, when I realized there was no possible way I could justify buying huge plastic cups.  Intermission/half time for the games….the Hubby is going completely insane right now with nothing to click over to….oh…..oh wait…..now we’re watching ESPN2 and it’s a show about grown men playing video games.  Sorry, you think a singing competition is boring?  If I had to watch men playing some stupid Playstation game for an hour, I would beat my head into a wall.  This is the dumbest thing ever.  I think he’s doing this on purpose.  <sigh>  Video games?  I suppose this is a sport too?

Beatbox is singing, after the break, and he dedicates his song to his parents.  <sigh>  Getting oooooooooooold.  Don’t get me wrong, gators, parentals are great.  Mine are the best.  Clearly, because they raised two perfect children.  Virtual Insanity.  This is a shake your booty song.  He’s doing a good job and here comes the beatboxing….huh….that was kind of fun.  He at least looks normal when he’s bopping around the stage.  Nice falsetto.  Weird ending.  Randy blabbers all over the table….do we know who Jamiraquoi (sp?!?!?) Paula says <I like her outfit too>…..and Simon says, he disagrees.  The first part was exactly the same as the video, the middle was ok, and the end was out of tune.  Copy catter.  He was disappointed.  He wants him to be more original.  Whatever, we all know he’ll be here next week.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, another commercial.  Power play for the Capitals.  The Hubby thinks we should have gone to this game, the Phone Booth is pretty empty.  SCORE!!!  Woohoo!!!  Goal #10 of the game and we’re tied up.  Yeah, this would have been fun and all…..but…..it’s Tuesday.  Warrick (Brandon) is singing now and he dedicated his song to grandma.  Dead grandma.  Ca-ching.  That’s all the votes pouring in out of sympathy….I like this song….but our CSI guy is not singing this very well…..wait….cut back to mom crying.  He can’t hit the high notes.  And I think he got those pants from Seacrest….ouch…..huh…..didn’t like it.  Randy liked the sentiment.  But he didn’t like the song, he thought it was boring.  Warrick cuts him off and says he put his heart into and he didn’t want to give it a lot of extra.  Paula says, you’re right.  Simon says, rubbish, let’s get back to the singing….but he loves Grandmas.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Again.  Better than Bollywood and Meatloaf (who still hasn’t sung yet)…………and Simon goes, by the way, it’s my mom’s birthday in November…………and I like puppies.  As long as we’re dedicating things to people…..Holy cowpies….that was hysterical. 

Timberlake is going now and he’s dedicating his song his Living Grandma.  Ok, half points for you.  Some hip hop song….he’s not really singing….it’s kind of fun though.  I think Beatbox was better at this than Timberlake.  He’s energetic….but N’Sync more than Timberlake….Randy is drooling all over himself though…..Paula liked that she dedicated it to his grandma….and then she stuck a pink heart on Simon’s shirt, and Simon goes, ‘Well, you’ve been invaluable tonight.’  Heehee….and then he says, best of the night.  Wa-Waaaaaaaaaaaaat?  Back that up and play it again (love that DVR!).  Best of the night?  They’ve all lost it.  I mean, I liked it….but come oooooon!

Fourth quarter, the Wizards are down one point to the Nets.  And here’s Hibachi….<smile>…..the closer tonight is Meatloaf.  What the hell?  The best of the night is supposed to go last.  He’s dedicating his song to his baby….oh boy…..and he’s crying….oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…..now everyone’s goingo vote for this guy.  Another pretty wife.  Mustang Sally.  Sasquatch is stinking up the stage.  I like this song….but this is just….stinky.  SHAVE YOUR CHEST HAIR!!!!  Do not vote for this guy, gators.  Seriously.  If this guy goes through….it’ll be the next Scottie Squinty Eyes Savol, remember that guy?…..Randy loved it and is blabbering all over the place.  Meatloaf thanks America.  Shut up.  Paula says great vocal, great range.  I am going to shoot myself.  Simon says, glad you’re back, but let’s not get too carried away.  He thinks he can do better…..dangit….we needed the Brit to slay him….and what’s this……a BABY PICTURE….this is UNFAIR…..he hairsprays his beard….oh….this is tragic…..he probably hairsprays his chest hair too….<sob sob>…..I cannot believe this guy is not going home.  A baby picture?  <shaking my head> 

I am NOT voting for Bollywood or Meatloaf.  I will not be hoodwinked America.  Will you?  Seacrest introduces Foxworthy who’s hosting the knew Fox idiot show.  I want to kill myself.  Are we really this stupid?  If you don’t know what a trapezoid is….please look it up on Wikipedia.  <sigh>

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol Revellers,

Seacrest is wearing a nice suit and tie tonight.  Very MIB.  Randy, Paula and Simon are here.  A Seacrest has to ask them some questions.  Diana Ross, Bon Jovi and J-Lo, Gwen Stefani, Tony Bennett, Martina McBride, Herman’s Hermits, and Barry Gibb from the BeeGees will be guest judging this season.  This is so exciting.  I hope you are all faithful voters.  I have been successfully brainwashed into dialing in.  And our contestants are singing some Tears for Fears – ooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo, this is from MY era kiddies.  Except of course for the fact that they’ve sped up the song and are singing it terribly.  Except for Christina, who’s awesome.  Hmmmmm…I think we need to work on the harmony kids. Christina apologizes to America for his ‘banter’ with Simon, he says he didn’t mean any disrespect.  He says he loves Simon.  Oh my gosh, we have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much in common.

I am very very very disappointed in you America, because Meatloaf is safe?  You are all completely insane.  Safe, safe, safe, safe, gone.  Our goose from the back row is Barefoot Guy.  The first one voted off the island.  Boohoo.  Keep it together Paul….just until you get off the stage.  Seacrest is trying his hardest to make this guy cry….and now sing Loser.  We will all listen and mock you….except true to form, he may sound a little tiny bit better.  But only a little bit.

And now, back to the girls.  Cryer is going to start crying….shocker.  And Oprah is nervous?  That’s crazy.  Safe, safe, safe, safe and we’re down to Dr. Doolittle and Beach Girl 2….oh NO….I like both of them.  I want them both to say.  And because I want it, that’s the case.  They are both safe.  And as soon as they sit down, Seacrest says, Amy come up here (she was Leprachaun, remember) and you’re going home.  Just like that, no warning.  Fox is so mean to these kids.  Now Leprachaun has to sing.  Sing Leprachaun Sing!!

And here’s Fantasia.  I think she’s gained a little weight.  But other than that…she looks exactly the same.  Seacrest announces that she’s starring in the Boradway production of The Color Purple and acknowledges Quincy Jones (a producer) in the crowd.  Quincy tries to say something about the play and Seacrest totally cuts him off….why Ryan?….there is no possible way we are short for time….her voice sounds absolutely amazing.  Yeah….I kind of forgot why she won three seasons ago….that’s right, because she’s good.  Kids, this is how you perform.  I am stunned about how much she has improved.  Well done.

The girls again….safe, safe, safe, safe…..aaaaaaaaaaaand the second girl voted out tonight – its between Sheryl Crow and the Cryer.  Sheryl Crow is going home and the prettier one (I mean the Cryer) is safe.  She probably cried anyway.

And now we’re back to the boys…Christina is safe, so I don’t really care about the rest of you.  Safe, safe, safe, safe, safe and….one is in the top four and one is going home….we’re down to Bollywood and Fighting Irish……and its Rudy going home.  Paula is visibly upset….she’s practically crying….she thinks he had one of the best vocals…what EV er…..and now he’s singing his farewell song.  Babye losers.

I don’t think any of you should be very surprised by these results.  I certainly am not.  Nice job America…with the exception of Meatloaf….that guy should have gone home.  Stop voting for him!!!  Ok, until next week gators when we have another full week of the best show ever.

Later,

Heather

Hello American Idol Worshippers,

It’s the girls’ turn and since girls are better at everything (right?), this should be good.  At least I hope so….the Hubby is already planning how he can manipulate the DVR so that he can watch as little of this show as possible.

Seacrest is in a pretty nice looking jacket tonight.  He’s giving the ladies high fives and walking down the stairs….it’s all up to us.  Here’s a recap of the boys and how boring they were.  Seacrest says high to all the judges, Paula looks a little high.  Maybe Simon is high, he’s agreeing with Paula.  Simon comments on Christina and says he enjoys a little spirit.  He says no, no you were wrong.  And now he’s calling Ryan obnoxious.

Bobo (aka Stephanie) is up first.  She reminds me of Fantasia.  She’s not with the music…at all….but it sounds pretty good.  I have no idea what this song is….but she has a great voice.  She’s getting into it now….falling on the ground a la McPhee….nice and dramatic.  Nice ending.  She’ll be here next week, no doubt.  Randy is excited about how good she sounded….and then his standard ‘pitchy’ comment.  Paula thinks she’s a great performer.  Simon says she was a million times better than anything last night…he liked the song….and he thinks she sang with conviction.  What did I tell you, she’ll stick around.  For a while.

Leprechaun (aka Amy from Seattle…hello Skywalker, are you watching) is up next.  The Hubby thinks she’s the next Proactiv spokeswoman….he’s so bad.  I don’t like her dress, but her singing sounds pretty good.  Not fantastic…but let’s see what the judges think.  Randy doesn’t like it, he says boring song, medium performance.  Boobs Abdul agrees with Randy….naturally.  Simon thinks it was unmemorable, she has the personality of a candle….???....I didn’t think candles had personalities.  Maybe in England.  Weirdo.  But look how ridiculously short Secarest is….so crazy.  Get him some heels….or maybe some phone books to stand on…..HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Pretty in Pink (aka Leslie) is up next.  She’s very pleased with herself so far.  She’s singing Aretha….hmmmm….ballsy.  I think the background singer is better than our girl here….oh boy….even the camera guy agrees.  Cute dress though.  Randy goes uhhhhhhhhhhh..uhhhhhhhh….uhhhhhhhh….he thinks the song was too big for her.  He thinks it was ok.  Paula thinks she did a great job, but watch the songs you pick.  Simon thinks it wasn’t great.  Simon called her a dog walker…because apparently that is what she does.  But the point is, she looks embarrassed and ungainly, the point is that she must be more confident on stage.  Seacrest to the rescue, awwwwwwwwww, I think they’ve made up.  Randy says something stupid about the dawg pound….<sigh>….so stupid.

Chia Pet is up next (aka Sabrina Sloan), she’s pretty.  I love this song.  And she’s got some high high heals on, she looks great on stage.  A little loud, but she sounds great.  Perfect song for her, she kicked it in the butt.  Randy says well, well, well and finally there’s a competition. Paula called her a valley girl (?), standing ovation.  Simon says she just proved the point that some people genuinely has a desire to win, he thinks that was the best performance so far.  She is definitely through to the next round, and beyond.

Beach Girl 2 is up next (the nice one, aka Antonella).  This girl is very pretty.  She’s singing Aerosmith….and it sounds a little bad.  I think she’s nervous because its very off.  Why do people think Steven Tyler can’t sing?  This is a hard song to sing….but the ending might have saved her.  Randy asked her what she thinks he’s going to say, bad sign.  He wants to keep it real, he says very pitchy, very bland.  Paula says, maybe not great but not bad and then she says you’re amazingly beautiful (ooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooooo, the kiss of death).  Simon says the good news is she’s attractive, but the bad news is it didn’t work.  Simon thinks she’s going home.  Cowell compared it to Seacrest doing the news, which Ryan took very gracefully.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, I think they’ve made up. 

River is next (aka Jordan).  Seacrest is interviewing her on the couch….booooooooooooooooooooooooring….let’s move on the singing.  She’s singing Tracy Chapman, this sounds fast too.  I like it, she’s got a strong voice.  Holy cow, I am Impressed.  Randy says there were some good things about it….some things?  Randy says pick something more challenging, there are no songs too big for you.  Paula says it was a great song selection….conflicting feedback.  Simon says there’s been a change in you, he thinks she should push herself because she may surprise some people.  Seacrest thinks she’s very poised and confident.  Whatever Ryan, bring us to commercial.

Sheryl Crow is up now (aka Nicole).  She’s a voice major….uh oh.  I don’t know what this song is….but it’s awful….she’s doing some kind of weird Fran Drescher impersonation.  Scary.  And she’s not really dancing….she’s sort of shaking….double weird.  I didn’t like it.  At all.  Randy doesn’t know which version it was….and he goes….I don’t know….I didn’t like it.  Paula apparently thought it was fantastic.  Paula says out of this world…yup….she’s definitely high.  Simon thought it was indulgent, aggressive, unnatural, and fake.  You know what’s great about Simon – he has like 10 different synonyms for why he hates you.  And in the back and forth….Cowell says….get this….I’m not indulgent.  Oh.  Come oooooooooooooooooooooooon.  That’s why we love you Simon.

Ringling Brothers is up now (aka Haley with the big hoop earrings).  She sounds nervous.  She’s got a pretty voice, I like it.  Randy hems and haws….he says ok.  It was a good song choice, but not special.  Paula says, nice job.  Paula liked the song.  Simon thinks she sounds 40 and they’re at a reasonably good hotel, she needs to sound younger at her age.  Seacrest won’t stop saying nice things about these judges.

Fantasia is singing tomorrow.  I’m surprised her schedule was open.  Dr. Doolittle is up next.  She’s singing Aretha….oh no….you know how I hate this….but wait.  Listen to this girl blow out those notes.  Good lord.  She doesn’t even need that microphone.  She’s having a great time.  She loves to sing.  One of those performances that make you want to just jump of the couch and start dancing around the living room.  Nice.  This girl might win the whole thing.  Everybody’s in trouble.  Randy says blah blah blah, you are hot.  Paula says she’s a frontrunner.  Simon says she is an incredible singer, she’s a fantastic person, he hopes she really does well.  Simon liiiiiiiiiikes her. 

The Cryer is up next (aka Alaina).  Turn on the waterworks people….this girl is an open book.  The Hubby likes her….I guess for her voice….right?  Hehe.  So anyway, I like this song, but her voice really isn’t that strong….she does a lot of that breathy stuff.  Randy thought it was ok, pitchy, blah blah blah.  Paula says she didn’t make it her own.  Simon says it’s ironic that she says ‘I’m special’ but she wasn’t.  Simon says she’s not a bad singer…but no one will think she’s the best.  She going to be relying on her looks….but I think the Hubby will vote for her.  Seacrest says she’s very passionate…..Simon thinks he’s trying to date her.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Seacrest is certainly taking his lumps tonight.  Seacrest likes her because she’s not taller than him.

Tattoo Girl (aka Gina) is up next.  I am not rooting for her….she’s very mean….and there is clearly only room in this world for one really mean girl (me).  A slow song, wouldn’t have guessed that she would pick a slow song….but she sounds good I guess.  This is kind of boring.  You know it weird….there is a very big difference between good and great.  It’s something you feel in your skin, kiddies.  It gives you chills.  Randy liked it, she’s got a big ol’ voice.  Paula says you picked the right song….and blahblahblah, whatever Randy sang.  Simon doesn’t think she hit the big note, but he never said it was bad.

Nell Carter (aka Lakisha) is up now.  I like this lady, a lot.  She has an amazing voice.  Here’s another one who doesn’t really need the microphone.  And here’s the sass.  This girl is singing for something people….and there it is….that feeling underneath my skin.  She’s got powerful emotion in her voice and her face and her body.  Good Lord almighty.  Randy cannot even get a hold of himself.  Paula says blah blah blah, you’re great.  Cowell says that’s the “right” note and he’s very tempted to say to 23 other people, book you trip home.  She’s nervous?  What?  Her little girl is 4.  She didn’t even need those sympathy votes.  Forget Nell Carter – this lady is Oprah.  It doesn’t matter if she’s fat or thin, she can do what she wants because America loves her.  Look out for this one, she could win the whole competition.

Randy says the girls were great.  Paula is proud of everyone.  Simon thinks the ladies are in a different league and Nell...I mean Oprah has thrown down the gauntlet.

That’s right gators, men may be from Mars but Women clearly rule the galaxy.  Live long and prosper.

Later,

Heather

p.s. - Thanks to Ed for the title of this episode.

Hello American Idol Aliens,

It’s the boys' turn tonight kiddies.  I have some high expectations for the boys this year.  My early favorite is a boy.  So, keep your fingers crossed.  I think Carson is dressing Seacrest now…what’s with the vest.  Seacrest is explaining second grade math to us, how we get from 24 to 12.  Now he’s interviewing our illustrious judges.  Randy is already calling himself Dawg…..so stupid.  Paula is on their side….well, at least the boy’s side, right.  Big surprise.  Seacrest asked a long drawn out question to Cowell, is there more pressure on the contestants this year?  Simon says yes.

First we get the mini-recap.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  We’ve been watching, right.  And now Comcast is screwing up big time and Darth Heather is becoming increasingly incensed.  I will NOT miss my show.  Stupid Comcast.  The Fighting Irish is up first (aka Rudy).  He’s got a big target shirt on….that’s funny.  This doesn’t sound very good to me.  The Hubby thinks the band is good.  <sigh>  He’s singing Free Ride….and it reminds me of Donnie Osmond for some reason.  I can smell it….the judges are going to rip him to shreds….come on judges, don’t let me down.  I think Randy’s watch is bigger than his head….and he’s keepin’ it real.  He called Rudy corny.  Paula pulled out the pom poms.  Simon says Rudy is not unique or distinctive….babye Fighting Irish.

Christina thinks all the guys look “pretty”….and Seacrest answers in typical homophobic fashion.  Warrick our back-up singer (aka Brandon) is up next.  He’s oogling the camera…um…..I can’t decide if I like this or not….maybe you should take your shirt off Warrick.  Wait a minute, how old is this guy?  This song sounds a little slow….he’s a cross between Stevie Wonder and still-black Michael Jackson.  Not bad….but not great.  Randy thought it was pitchy, don’t do so much.  Paula thinks it was great, start acting like a lead singer.  Cowell thinks he’s a good singer, but it was very predictable.  He’s got a cute smile, I say he’s in.

Meatloaf (aka Sundance) is up next….and someone please tell me why he’s here.  And someone paaaaaaaaleeeeeeeeeeease wax his chest.  I think these guys are nervous….and Meatloaf is singing through his nose again.  I don’t like it…..not at all…..but then I this guy is here to be our first sacrificial contestant.  You know they always have a few suckey ones that make it through so we can kick them off.  Randy has said dawg about 49 times already….he said pitchy again…..maybe it’s the acoustics.  Paula said he picked the wrong song, which is code for you’re terrible.  Simon says it was like Dad At A Wedding, very old fashioned and flat.  Nobody vote for this guy….ok?

We are still struggling with the &(*#@!ing Comcast DVR.  I want to shoot myself in the head.  The Hubby won’t stop screwing with it.  I AM GOING TO MISS SOMETHING!!!!  I have an obligation to my legions of fans.  This is serious.  Barefoot Guy (aka Paul Kim) is singing now….now….let’s see if he’s really going to do this barefoot.  This is starting off really low….maybe a little too low….and a little too flat.  This song is kind of hard to sing.  The Hubby called it Paris Hilton flat….I really wish he would stop fidgeting with that remote.  Now he’s singing, and he sounds much much better.  His falsetto is really bad….bring Spacey Ace in here to teach Barefoot Guy something.  Randy said it was pitchy and weird, but he likes his potential.  Paula thinks he oversang and didn’t find his center.  What they hell does that mean?  Simon called her rude, and thinks Barefoot Guy shouldn’t go barefoot.  Paula tried to make some crazy joke about how she’s glad Simon is not barefoot and the Brit just stared at her.  That’s funny.  Seacrest is barefoot now.  He really shouldn’t be paid for this…

Timberlake (aka Chris Richardson) is singing now, he’s from Virginia.  He was born in 19….8…..5.   <sigh>  I think he got that suit from Seacrest.  Gavin McGraw - I don’t wanna be what I am lately….hmmmm…..I like this song….but I don’t think he’s doing a really great job.  This guy is remarkably unremarkable.  How’s that for a Cowellism.  Randy liked it, not a big surprise.  Paula said it was a neat arrangement.  The Brit thinks he’s voice sounded small, and a bad vocal….but people will vote for him.  Ok….the Post thinks we should vote for him because he’s a “local”…..so vote for him people.

Seacrest is telling us about the website…..here’s the Quitter (aka Nick) up next.  Don’t be nervous…..quitter.  He’s got that funny Massachusetts accent.  He sounds nervous.  Stop staring into the camera….giving me the eebie geebies.  Huh…it’s getting a little better.  Not bad, very safe.  Randy didn’t like it, he thought it was boring….pitchy?  What the hell is he talking about?  Paula said she didn’t like it either….and Cowell…..didn’t think it was that bad.  AAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA….that’s funny.  The lemmings are agreeing now….and the Quitter says Vote for Pedro.  Ok…..ok, that’s funny too.

The Beatboxer is up next.  I still don’t understand why he’s here….I didn’t hear him sing very much during the auditions.  He’s got a Seacrest outfit on too….boys, boys….please.  I don’t really like the song…sounds very karaoke.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s got a nice voice…..but I can…almost see….the bouncing ball….on the bottom of the screen.  This kid is from Seattle, heads up Skywalker….he’s from your locale.  Randy liked it….and called it pitchy <sigh>.  Paula is proud of him….she says no pitchiness <HA>.  He’s cool.  Simon says not the best vocal, but at least it sounded modern.  And he’s 100% right to not start beatboxing in the middle of the song.  He wanted to show America that he could sing.  Seacrest thinks that was a good plan.  A battle of wits here people….

Bollywood has about 736 teeth in his head.  But you just can’t help smile when you look at him.  He’s a gentle soul.  He’s singing another Vegas lounge act….this is tiring….especially since he’s in the middle of the pack.  Oh boy….Bollywood…..you just don’t have that IT factor.  Nice voice….but…..Randy didn’t think it was a good song choice.  Paula thinks he’s a sweetheart, but she wants to see more personality.  Simon thought it was dreary….but not just dreary, a waste of time…dull…..etc etc etc.  Seacrest says you can’t just take that.  And Bollywood says thanks for your honesty.  He’s young, blah blah blah. YAWWWWWWWWWWWN….get off the stage!!!  Where’s Christina?

Ahhhhhhhhh, here he is!!!!!!  <giggle>  I like him.  He’s got a great voice.  This is a fun song.  I don’t care what any of you think or say.  He’s my pick.  Pudgy people unite!!!  Randy thought he was rushing…but he’s a fan.  Paula thinks he’s anything but typical.  Simon thinks his humor has gotten him here, he likes him, but he felt like he was at some weird student gig.  Christina says it was a modern song, and he’s sorry he wasn’t singing Il Divo or Teletubbies….OOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO snap!!   Simon is pissed.  Can you feel the friction?  I am so conflicted?!?!?  Why can’t these two just get along….oh wait ……I think Simon is mad at Seacrest, he keeps saying that he’s made it very awkward.  Do not be dissuaded from my voting tactic kiddies.  Vote for Christina!!  Number NINE. El Numero Nueve! Go Christina!!!

Quitino (aka Jared, aka Subway)…please sing something fun.  Well….he's VERY pitchy….even tone deaf moi can hear how bad this is…..wow….very Boys to Men….<sigh>…..ok.  Randy thinks it was pretty good, he didn’t think it was a good ending.  Paula likes it when he sings more up tempo songs….very Brian McKnight.  Cowell called it unadventurous…very nasally, but he looks good.  He is still clearly fuming.  Ryan won’t talk to him.  Heehee, this is high drama people.

Ajax (aka A.J.) is up now.  He is all smiles, very happy to be here.  His dancing is way cheesy.  Paula is dancing like a total moron.  Does she even listen to them singing?  Hmmm, well the audience liked it.  We’re playing musical chairs now, first Simon is in the middle and then he moves back to his original spot…oh, oh sorry Randy is talking.  Blah blah blah….he liked it.  Paula says everyone likes you.  Simon says good, not great, not terrible, kind of theme park.  Simon says maybe you’re better than I originally thought.  Seacrest says how about that non-compliment….<evil giggle>…..they are soooooooooo not getting along.

And here is Moby (aka Phil)…you remember him, the guy who pimped out his newborn baby on national TV for a few votes.  But he’s pretty good.  The whole fam is here, and he has the coveted last position of the night.  Look at those Vulcan ears….holy cow….Chris Daughtry he is not.  But.  It’s the best of the night.  He seems quite sure of himself.  Confidence is key, boys.  Remember that.  But….you know what….we could have used some bad asses this season….oh well.  Now fly away Dumbo, fly away on those huge ears.  Randy, says from the dawg, you get the best vocal of the night award….<sigh>….so stupid.  Paula says blah blah blah.  Simon says the beginning was monstrous….but he says it was ok, not the best.  Simon refers to Chris….thank you….he should have definitely won last season.  Seacrest thinks he looks like Britney Spears.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Maybe that should be his new nickname.....Now the show is completely falling apart….everyone is talking over everyone.   Seacrest is stirring it up, as usual. 

Now Seacrest wants to know why Simon is being so negative.  And he says, unlike you, I respect the audience at home.  Cowell says you can lie to people on your radio show….OOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO snap.  Seacrest thanks Randy and Paula for a great job.  What a snub.  So the boys sucked, that means the girls must rule….right? 

And Darth Heather’s vote for the biggest loser of the week?  That would be Meatloaf and someone else.  I don’t really care, as long as its not Christina.  Vote for Christina people, or else.

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol Operators,

Blue sweater vest under a blazer.  Save Ferris!!  <heehee>  Not feeling too well tonight kiddies, probably spent too much time in the snow and sleet shoveling my sidewalk.  But I am very excited about the final picks.  So they have to ride the elevator and sit in the chair and be judged.  OOoooooOOOOooooo scary!!

Brother Bollywood is up first sans his sister.  He’s through, I knew it!  He’s hugging everybody.  I think he may have some extra teeth.

Giraffe Girl is up first.  Simon apologized for calling her a giraffe, but he meant it as a compliment.  Randy says no, and she’s surprised.

John Doe #1 is going home….I’ve never seen this guy before….I think.  But everyone seems surprised about it.  John Doe #2 and Janis are going home too.

Dr. Doolittle is up next…you remember her, the back-up singer.  Simon tells her, its unanimous, she’s good enough to stand at the front of the stage.

Lenny Kravitz is up next.  You know what…he may remind me more of Warrick on CSI Las Vegas.  He’s a back-up singer too, and he’s through.  I sense a theme here.

Tattoo Girl is up next.  She’s a cold-hearted snake.  You remember, she was so mean to Shakey….and Paula strings her along for a while and then says….you’re through.  She’s very excited.  I smell drama with a capital D.

More guys I don’t remember, didn’t make it.  Too bad for you.  They’re upset.  It’s the cruelest of evils to make it this far, get your hopes up and have them crushed in to oblivion.  <evil giggle>  Love it.

Haley is through, she has big hoop earrings.  So she’s Ringling Brothers.

Moby is up next, baby’s daddy.  He’s got some nice eyes.  Randy says he’s through.  Good for you, I knew that baby was gonna get him far.

Christina is up now.  And they play his whole song in Hollywood week.  Simon says he’s a very likeable person but not one of the best singers.  WHAT?!?!?!?  He’s crazy.  Crazy limey.  But Christina is through.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  We’re very excited…and by we, I mean the Pumpkin and me.  The Hubby could care less.

The Beatboxer is through to the next round, and so is his groupmate – Rudy Cardenas.  So in tribute to the his namesake movie, he’s going to be the Fighting Irish….that’s irony people.

Barefoot guy says he’s never going to wear shoes on the show…ok….that’s kind of weird.  He also says he’s going to wear the same pair of underpants….ok…..that’s gross.  And on a split decision, he’s in.  Fan friggin tastic.  What a hippy.

Jordan is through.  So she’s River.  Figure it out.

AJ is through….I don’t think I’ve seen him before.  So he’s Ajax.

Stephanie Edwards is through.  She reminds me of Halle Berry.  But sweetheart, that eyeshadow is pretty scary, like clown scary.  So your name is Bobo.

Leslie Hunt looks like Molly Ringwald, so she’s Pretty in Pink.  And she’s off to the prom.

The Quitter is up next.  He is starting to remind me of Carson Daly….so lets call him TRL.  See what not quitting will do for you, kiddies?

It’s 5:30 pm….and we’re talking to the Cryer.  Randy is stringing her along and making her talk when she clearly only wants to bawl her eyes out….come on Randy….get to it.  Of course they’re playing her solo from Hell Week and it sounds terrible….so I’m guessing it’s a no.  But then he pauses for like 30 seconds…..so that means yes.  She asks for advice and the Cowell says go blow your nose.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Justin Timberlake is up now….this is the first time I’ve seen him too….this is crazy.

Sabrina Sloan is taking that elevator ride now.  You can thank the Hubby for this nickname – Chia Pet….he had some kind of problem with her frizzy spiral curls.

Nell Carter is up next after four more losers that I don’t remember go home….you remember she sang Aretha Franklin so well.  Simon asks her all kind of questions….and then does his crazy double-negative welcome to the show line.  I like her, I think she’ll go far.

Sheryl Crow is up next and of course she’s through. 

Jared is through….wow he’s like a foot taller than Seacrest.  Quitino Mobley is his nickname….look it up if you must. 

At least they’re showing us the solos of all the winners…so Amy is though and she’s wearing some crazy green shirt….so she’s a Leprachaun. 

We’re down to 2 girls and 2 guys.  The girls are up first….and they pretend to like each other on the ride up.  Marissa is singing, she sounds good.  But Beach Girl 2, the nice one, is also there.  And Beach Girl is through to the next round.  Wow.  That’s kind of surprising.  I guess Simon really really liked her.

And now it’s the boys.  They wish each other good luck and they seem somewhat genuine.  Tommy and Sundance are sitting side by side.  Meatloaf is through….are you kidding me….he messed up so much in Hollywood Week.  That is really surprising….more surprising than the girls.  Wow.

Seacrest is trying to be nice and it always sounds so awkward.  But here they are, our top 24.  If you don’t like the nicknames…I don’t care.  Stop reading.  Otherwise, let me know if you want a Vote For Christina t-shirt and I’ll send on right out.

Warm up your phones gators, next week it’s up to us!!!

Later,

Heather

Hello My American Idol Faithful Followers,

This.  Is.  American Idol.  Hollywood Week, aka Hell Week.  Seacrest is in some awful black and white striped shirt.  Here are our judges – Alvin, Simon and Theodore (the fat one).  I guess that makes Seacrest the nutcracker....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....[maybe I shouldn't drink when I watch this show...]

8 a.m. Day One

Girls are up first.  Twice as many girls as boys.  Groups of six to perform at a time.  First up is the Paula looka-like, dressed just like her…weird.  She’s singing Anastasia.  She’s the only one I liked in that group….the others were kind of flat.  So, they all come out on stage.  And Simon says…….. you’re all going home.  WHAT!?!?!?!?  One of the girls goes, YES….because she clearly thought he said, you’re all going on…..that’s embarrassing.  You loser.  Of course you’re all going home, because you were.  Not.  Good.  Enough.  This is American Idol people, we are only looking for the best.  <sigh>  And there’s only room on this show for one Paula…I mean Alvin.

Shakey Shakira is up now.  She’s fun, she kind of bounces all over the place, which by the way, the Hubby doesn’t mind watching.  The Army Brat is singing also.  You remember her, she talks to her hubby.  Well, her hubby’s picture, because he’s in Baghdad.  Yeah, the sob story.  So, Shakey and some other girl are going on.  I like Shakey, but I was really rooting for the Army Brat too.  Ah well.  Not good enough.  Simon tells Shakey to stop being so shakey and she starts crying.  Well of course, she is….

Farm girl is singing now.  Remember she wants to be more city and less county.  This is the one that thinks her horses are going to eat her.  As usual, we’re only seeing some of the winners and all of the losers.  Farm girl is going on.  But some other girls made it too….and we’ll probably get half way through the season and I’ll have no idea who these people are….stupid Fox.  Alvin is clearly physically distressed when these people do so badly….you know because she likes cheering them on so much.  Theodore is just happy to be there.  And Simon has a serious oral fixation….I think we should make a drinking game out of how many times we see him chewing on a pen during the show.

Do Over went home (no surprise).  Brooklyn is going home (dangit).  Daddy’s girl is going home.  So many girls are going home.  Including one girl who sang a song for her momma but it was the wrong song because she wasn’t good enough, so her momma went up on stage and said she felt bad, blah blah blah.  This girl sounds like a prima donna and now she’s on stage with her momma and said it was the wrong song…Simon got mad and yelled at her that it wasn’t the song.  The song had nothing to do with the reason she was going home….but she kept arguing…..silly girl.  The Cowell is always right.  But Alvin got annoyed, as usual, about how rude he is….

Now the boys are singing.  Same set-up.  First up is some guy that we saw in LA.  He sounds good, the judges like him.  Top Gun is up next.  Paleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease be good.  But it doesn’t sound good to me.  Pimpleface is singing now.  You remember him, the one whose parents didn’t come with him.  And he’s telling us that he felt loved when he got home from that first audition….what?  Man, this kid is gonna be really screwed up when he gets older….perfect for Hollywood.  Top Gun didn’t make it, but Pimpleface did, so did Christina (Hurley).  GO CHRISTINA!!!!  But this Pimpleface kid is gonna get a lot of votes.  Castro, Moby (the one with the baby), and Meatloaf all got through too.

And now we’re on to the group round.  This is the best part because these people never get along with each other.  And there is always someone who stays up and parties too much, someone who can’t remember their lines, and a whole lot of people who fight with each other.  Some girl can’t find a group and that’s really pathetic and Pimpleface can’t find one either.  They finally get picked….like being last for dodge ball.  The Beach Girls and Farm Girl are bickering already.  This should be good.

Tattoo Girl and Shakey are in the same group….but Shakey can’t sing harmony.  The Beach Girls can’t remember the lyrics.  Beach Girl One decided she would rather flirt with the boys, so the other girls go to bed.  This is going to be fantastic.  Drama.

Simon warns that you can’t forget the words.  Pimpleface is singing now, but he forgot the words, so he’s going home.  Oh well, there goes a future astronaut.

Shakey and Tattoo Girl are up now.  And Shakey is going home….I think her group sabotaged her….why are girls so mean!

Christina and his group blew everyone away!  Go Christina!!!  I’m making shirts for all of you.  He’s my hands-down favorite.

Just the last Sunday, Troup was sipping Cristal with Justin Timberlake in his penthouse suite.  And now she’s singing with Meatloaf.  I think he sounds pretty good.  Meatloaf is staying, Simon thinks Paula was being very generous.  Our girl has infiltrated Hell Week with no success though.  Doesn’t the cheeky Brit watch the Grammy’s?  Well…..at least Troup already won one competition….

The Beach Girls are singing now, Farm girl is going home and she thinks the BFFs hung her out to dry.  She confronts the Beach Girls and Beach Girl One (the Mean One) says….get this…. “God likes good people.”  No joke. This girl is Mandy Moore from Saved.  Un….believable.  Sorry Farm girl, you didn’t have a chance.  This is going to make from some entertaining drama. 

So the judges are making their final decisions…..am I crazy or was this show like 3 hours long last season.  Now the kiddies are divided up into the ‘Yes’ room and the ‘No’ room or in other words the ‘Star’ room and the ‘Loser’ room.  The Bollywoods have been separated and so have the Beach Girls.  This should be interesting….

Alvin is talking so they must be going through….because Alvin doesn’t like giving bad news….and Christina is in this room….so they must be going through…..right?  Right?  Of course they are.  And the next room has Bollywood Brother in it.  And Theodore is talking so of course they’re going through….

Awwww Bollywood is upset for his sister, that’s cute.  The Mean Girl puts on a nice fake smile and pretends to be happy for her friend.  <evil giggle> 

And tomorrow they’re picking the top 24.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Tomorrow we’ll decide on their final nicknames, gators.  Stay tuned.

Later,

Heather

Hello American Idolizers,

So today I was home because of the two inches of snow we got last night.  And so in the spirit of the day, I decided the front yard needed a snowman army to liven up the neighborhood.  This was entirely inspired by the cartoon Calvin & Hobbes, which is my kind of humor.  I made about 20 little tiny snow men and because the fuzz on my gloves was coming off, it turned the little boogers blue.  So my snowman army now looked like a legion of smurfs in front of the house.  So naturally, we needed an Azrael.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand this is where the Pumpkin comes in to the story.  The Pumpkin spends the entire day every day sleeping.  And nothing else.  So, when I woke her up she was not pleased.  She was even less pleased when I strapped her into her harness and carried her out into the sub-zero degree weather.  I plopped her down amongst the smurfs and after she looked up at me with her most evil face, she knocked the head off one of the smurfs.  Wellllllllll….this clearly can only go downhill from this point.  So, I took the prima donna back inside.  My lame neighbors did not even notice the new snowman smurf army protecting the house.  I know because I watched them all drive in to the parking lot.  Did I mention I was incredibly bored today………..

And then it was 9 p.m.  This is the best of/worse of episode.  Fantastic.  It all leads up to Hell Week.  And they're teaching us lessons about how to audition:

Lesson - The Look

You need to stand out, in a crowd of masses.  First off we have the Fashion Victim.  She looks totally ridiculous.  The Hubby thinks she’s going to Liberachy’s funeral.  She bases her look on how she’s feeling and Simon said well, that must mean you feel like the inside of dustbin (that’s British for trashcan).  She was a terrible singer.  After Paula insults her dancing….she says ‘Cool shoes’.  And then she felt bad about mean, and she changed her mind.  Paula….you are totally useless.

Now we have a pedi-cab driver…..who apparently has great legs because she thinks she could drive all three of our judges uphill.  She sounds like Janis.  Very nice voice and Simon is giving her great praise. 

Lesson  – Seek Inspiration

Now we get our requisite reference to William Hung.  And our version of this season…..right?  He’s a pool boy and he’s embarrassed by Hung’s image on Asian singers…..ok…..whatever dude.  But then he starts singing….and it sounds fantastic.  Very nice.  I like him.

And then we get the opposite, and a flashback of Bogart’s a cappella performance.  Dumbo sounds terrifically terrible.  Flap away on the wind, Dumbo.  Simon thinks he’s deluded.  And he won’t give up…<sigh>

A lot of repeat auditioners this year.  And then we get the Tattooed Girl.  She loves Simon….and Pauler thinks she’s kissing butt.  Ooooooo….Paula’s jealous.  She sings Black Velvet.  Simon thinks she has soul…..and taste.  Randy thinks as she gets older, her taste will improve.  And Paula says yes, even though she wants to throttle the girl.  And the Hubby just pointed at that her tats are not real….it’s actually a shirt….which reveals his blatant disinterest in this show….and he’s being pissy because the Wizards are losing.  Hibachi is sitting on the bench.  Not good.  They lost by 27 points.  And now we’re watching Deal or No Deal.  I hate this show….and he’s doing this on purpose….because he knows that.  <sigh>….

The Best of the Rest.  Everybody loves Simon.  He’s cute?  Everybody hates Randy.  Everybody is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge fan of Paula.  Crazy.  Mr. Abdul is up now.  He wants to give her a hug….how cute.  Randy wants to know whether he should leave.  Now she’s really embarrassed.  And he’s awful.  He’s singing Donna.  Oh boy.  I think Simon literally goes to another plane of existence when he has to listen to this stuff.  Paula is smiling through her teeth, but at least she’s sweet about it.  And Simon goes, not just blind but deaf too.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA.  Paula says no, sorry.  And then as the poor guy is walking out, Simon goes you just crushed that guys dreams. <smile> 

Lesson – Audition on Your Own

The Blonde says she’s here to audition for American Idol because….well….you know, she’s American.  Blonde 2 is up now, not much better.  Ebony is up now…..and she blows the blondes right out of the water.  Paula says Blonde 2 is wearing too much make-up….and Blonde 2 goes thanks for the motherly advice…..meooooooooooooow.  Women are so evil.  But she’s through?  Huh?  What is going on….and of course Ebony is through.  Heather got sent home….<frowny face>….and why does Randy think that you can shorten Heather into Heath?  No one…..has EVER…..called me…..Heath…..

And we’re back to Howie Mandell.  Yes or no.  I think box #22 has one dollar.  I think this lady is going to lose.  I want my job to be holding the case….except I want the one with a million dollars….I want to be the one who says, ‘Sorry, loser…you just won a whole dollar….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.’  That would be awesome.  I would love that job. 

So, now the people are writing their own songs.  Captain Insano is up now in his flaming orange shirt.  Well….he’s bald….like Howie.  He’s singing Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry….and it sounds like a poem you may have written in 5^th grade….and he’s stomping out the beat…..this is so bad.  He thinks it was great….and Simon goes in what way?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  He feels the music inside him.  Everybody says no.  Babye bumblebee.

Now the dancers are up.  Some of them can dance….but most of them can’t.  Oh….you know what?  I can go to sleep at night knowing for a fact that I can’t dance….and I can’t sing…..and I won’t be making a fool of myself on TV.  The Puerto Rican….who doesn’t speak English very well….is a pretty good dancer, but a terrible singer.  Simon says you won’t be a good singer, ever.  That’s ok, kid……otra puerta. 

Now it’s time to play “Name That Song”.  If you can name the song, call this 1-800 number.  HAHAHAHAHA…that’s pretty funny.  And they’re right….I have no idea what these people are saying. 

The Single Mom is up now….oh boy….Aretha Franklin.  This is never good.  Why do people think they can sing this stuff…seriousy….Aretha….I mean who the hell does this girl….uh….hang on…..what the…..that was brilliant.  She sounds amazing.  Now she’s crying with her daughter.  Oh boy.  I smell a finalist, kiddies.  This lady is very very very good.

And we’re back to the stupid show.  He’s doing this on purpose.  This is torture….so what if we have to watch commercials…..who invented this thing called DVR?  Because it’s going to end up putting me in the asylum.  And she lost ….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..exxxxxxxxxxxxxcellent.  I know I get bad karma points for being happy about other people’s misery…..

And now the recap.  All the crazies.  This phase was a little better than usual this season.  So next week is HELL WEEK.  I can’t wait people.  This is by far the best part.  Build ‘em up and now tear ‘em down.  More tears.  More drama.  <evil giggle>.

Exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcellent.

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol disciples,

The fish is still alive…surprisingly.  The Pumpkin is waiting patiently for it to die.  And just in case you have been living in a plastic bubble for the last week….it’s cold outside.  Sorry.  It’s freezing.  FREE  HEE HEE ZING!!!!  Tell me again about global warming…and ice caps melting….etc etc etc.  It takes all day for my sinuses to thaw out….and a little longer for me to convince myself that I wanted winter to feel like Winter....and a little bit longer than that for My Car to warm up.  So thanks to whichever one of you voodoo witch doctors did your snow dance.  I really enjoy driving with all the other morons on the road who love winter.  Seriously.  Thanks.

We’re in San Antonio this week (where it's still warm).  Remember the Alamo, says Ryan.  Seacrest is in his 107^th bad shirt of the season so far.  It looks like kitchen curtains.  Everybody is camping out in the middle of the night at the Alamo Dome.  There is a TON of people there….lots of cowboys.  Yee haw!

The Cowell is jet-lagged.  Oh boy.  This should be good.  I hope he doesn’t get too moody and walk out.  We’ve got a rocker up first.  Great, Simon hates these guys.  He thinks he sounds like Billy Idol, Ozzie, ACDC….right.  People never sound like they think they do.  He’s dancing…kind of….more like jumping all over the place.  Simon is trying to be nice, by not saying anything.  Our guy is singing Rebel Yell…..well….he’s screaming it….I can tell Simon hates this…but I think this guy may have woken him up at least.  Now every one is silent.  A lot of shouting without a lot of melody, according to our cranky Brit.  Ryan loves him….okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  I can’t believe he gets paid for this.

So, who can the judges picture on a CD cover?  The question of this segment.  The answer is the Wedding Singer.  Paula likes her outfit, she wants to know where she got it.  Paula’s helpful input has to do with shopping tips.  <sheesh>  The Wedding Singer is singing Bonnie Raitt.  It sounds good to me.  Randy looks like a little kid in a candy store…..Simon has clearly already made up his mind.  And they let her sing the whole song.  That’s unusual.  Randy thought is was OK.  What?!?!?  Come on, dawg.  Stop playing games.  Simon thought it was cabaret.  But she deserves a second chance.  Paula says, yeah a second chance.  And then Randy….like it matters….says yeah me too.  Your opinion doesn’t matter….just the Simon.  So the Wedding Singer is off to Hollywood.

Jasmine….can’t sing.  She’s very shy.  It’s sooooo off….but I’m not sure she can even hear herself.  Everyone thinks it’s terrible.  She tells them they’re rude.  You’re right sweetie, they are awfully rude.  You go girl.  Now she gets mean with Randy, she tells him she’s never heard of him.  Well, she is a little young to know who Journey is….and then she walks out.  Simon says ok, yes or no.  Yeah….after she walks out of the room.  <heehee>  Some people just ask for it, they really do.  Her family thinks Simon should go back to where he came from….Seacrest tell them he’s British.  Well then he should go back to British.  AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.  And now they’re bad-mouthing all the judges and Seacrest goes, you know two of them are my friends.  But not Paula, Seacrest?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  So, it’s sweet that he stands up for them….and kind of rude that he doesn’t defend Paula.  Come on Ryan.  Be a gentleman.

Krum Cake is singing now – she’s a little bit country.  According to Mom Cake she’s country because she lives in the country.  That’s completely brilliant.  She thinks her horses are going to eat her.  Huh?  Krum thinks she’s city, not country.  Ok honey.  Whatever you say.   She says, ‘hi y’all’.  Enough said.  She picks Faith Hill.  At first I think she’s out of tune, but no that’s just her country (sorry city) twang.  Nice.  I like country music….so I think it’s pretty good.  The Hubby is currently trying to burn down our house piling logs on the fire.  Probably a good alternative to listening to the rest of this show, at least in his mind.  Randy starts interrogating her about the farm….and Simon wants to move it along.  Simon thinks she is Commercial, with a capital C.  Paula says she has a good sense of style considering the town she comes from….which is kind of an insult.  Seacrest goes yeehaw when she comes screaming out of the room.  Because she’s got her golden ticket.

The Famous Fox Production is up now.  I guess we didn’t have enough characters in San Antonio.  It’s the issue of the audition room doors.  How only one of them opens and the other one doesn’t.  They are finally addressing this issue – I brought up like three weeks ago, if you all remember.  Other Door Syndrome or ODS….let me ask you, why would you go out the left door?  Do people do that?  People are so dumb.  Now they push and push and lean on the door and the judges keep saying over and over and over again that it’s the Other Door.  Morons. 

The Cousins are up now.  They think they are the bee’s knees.  Cousin One has a lot of charisma…..but he’s terrible.  That may be the lowest voice I have heard….and here go Randy and Paula and their giggling.  Simon at least can be professional with his scowls and annoyed looks….oh…..oh please stop singing.  Now he says he’s going to walk out and talk some trash….but that’s just for the camera….I love this guy.  Singer?  No way, this guy is an actor all the way.  Cousin Two is up now….and does not know what’s going on, he thinks Cousin One is being serious.  The first line of the song gives me chills…..nice.  Simon is not looking at the guy….good sign.  Simon says stop boring me….he’s laying down the gauntlet.  Cousin Two sings again and I’m shivering.  So nice.  Paula thinks its worth it for him to come back….you’re a crazy lady.  Of course he’s going to Hollywood.  Cousin One gives him a big huge hug and we realize in a fleeting moment that this guy, Cousin One, came here for the sole purpose of making Cousin Two feel good about himself….Friends make the world go round people.  They’ll always be there for you.  Keep them close.

Rainbow Brite is up now.  And then the B-52.  Crazy.  Awful.  Crazy awful.

And now the Trained Voice.  This is gonna be awful.  I have a sense about it.  Trained Voices are always terrible.  She’s singing Black Velvet.  I like this song….and she’s butchering it….sorry….if she hadn’t said what this song is I most definitely would not have recognized it…..this is like a warped record on a record player…slow…and sloooooooooooooooooooower.  Simon didn’t understand a word of it…he thought it was another language.  Simon said was that serious and she starts bawling her eyes out.  Paula and Randy are acting like they care….they don’t….stop pretending.  You evil evil meanies.  Paula says you don’t have to apologize…and Simon says yes she does.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  She’s a music teacher….oh dear.   San An Tone Deaf, according to Seacrest.  Please.  Don’t let him talk so much….

Now we’ve got Do Over.  This girl was beat up because of her voice.  She’s cute in an Alicia Keyes kind of way.   I like the way she looks at the judges.  Nice eye contact.  The judges are quiet…..nobody liked it.  I’m stunned.  This is weird.  Now they’re telling her she makes weird faces….what?!?!?  Are you kidding me?!?!?  This is strange.  Nobody liked it.  No no no no no.  She’s crying and they feel bad.  Good, you should feel bad.  Simon says, I would have said yes.  Cruel.  Simon thinks they made a mistake.  Bring her back in, he says.  An American Idol first.  Simon is always right…and me too.  I’m always right.  Right?  So Do Over pulled herself together.  Very professional.  She sings again, and they’re staring at her.  I mean staring.  How nerve-racking.  Randy likes her because she’s different?!?!  OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Bad bad bad Randy.  NOW you like her?!?!?!  Right, now that Simon told you you were wrong.  Now Pauler says yes.  Bad bad bad bad Paula!!  You mindless twit.  Simon thinks Do Over has bad habits, but she can’t be passed up on….and the lemmings now have to agree with the British Brain.

Jake the Snake is singing now.  He looks like Lemur Boy from last week.  He’s singing and his hands are in his pockets…I think he’s singing rock?  But it could be some kind of bizarre Jack Kerouac recital.  Simon thinks he should be in a very dark bedroom singing that song.  <evil giggle>  Now he’s going to go break some <bleeping> stuff.  You go, you bleeping bad ass.  But he likes Seacrest.  What a nut job.

Ruben the Sequel is singing now.  He’s the last contestant.  I like people who make me smile when they sing.  He’s singing Cupid.  Nice.  He sounds great.  And he pulls that shirt off way better than Seacrest ever could.  Simon calls him Jimbo.  Randy says definitely.  Paula is doing some stupid Macarena thing….huh?  He tells his sister he’s going to Hollywood and she goes, So?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Nice.  

Ok, so that’s it.  Babye.  The last audition show is tomorrow people!!!  Very exciting.  Then we’re in Hollywood for the really crazy time.  Can’t wait for the torture to begin.  Woohoo.

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol X-Men,

Ok, first things first.  Here’s an update from Audit-Land.  The Fish That Would Not Die has been trying very hard to commit hari-kari.  His gravel-sucking activities have become quite serious.  Our Tuesday night ritual began with the Fish getting a piece of gravel stuck in his mouth and when I tried to get it out with the tweezers that are now solely devoted to this operation, I realized that it was lodged too far into his mouth.  So, what does he do?  He swallows it.  Swallows it?!?!  I’m totally freaking out.  I know that he wants to die.  And he is just a fish.  But eating gravel?  Maybe my goldfish has evolved into some kind of mutant rock-eater.  That sounds better than the suicide bit.  I have an X-Fish. 

So McPhee is from L.A……home of the Kissies.  And we’re in Los Angeles too this week kiddies.  Tons of people are at the Rose Bowl waiting for a ticket to Hollywood….oh what irony.  Guest judge Olivia Newton John is here….shouldn’t she be on that other Grease show?  Is that even still on?  Can you imagine what kind of nerds watch that show?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  HaHa.  Heehee.  Um….yeah….anyway…..

The first guy wants to do everything – sing, act, dance, write, model.  Everything.  He’s kind of disturbing.  Let’s call him Ali G.  He’s acting very weird.  Throwing stuff around the room.   Now he’s doing his panther impression.  I think he’s growling?  Now he's crawling around ont the floor.  Prince Naseem isn’t really in good enough shape to be bare-chested.  And his singing….<wait for it>….totally sucks.  Simon thought everything was horrific.  Everyone says no, some in nicer ways than others.  Respect.

By the way, Seacrest is at least wearing some stylish black shirt this week.  Good job, Ryan.  Black is always a nice safe choice.

Sholandric is up next….wow…..this is bad stuff and that is his real name.  Randy thought it was terrible.  Simon said hideous.  And now the judges are getting annoyed.  The contestants are getting worse and worse.  I did like Banana Guy with the maracas, though. 

The Rat Packer Jr. is singing now.  Mom used to sing with Dean Martin.  Simon thinks she sounds like Cher after she’s been to the dentist.  Now this girl is on her knees begging and now she’s crying.  Wait, sorry.  She’s doing the cry voice, but she’s not exactly crying.  <sigh>  Actresses.  Now Mom is in there and explaining to the judges how great she is….and then trying to make her loser-daughter feel better.  Simon thinks Mom is foxy.  Seriously, pimping your mom out to the judges is just tacky….

Now everyone is begging….no self respect.  All the judges are getting annoyed.  So now we have Elena….who looks like a Hispanic McPhee.  Simon is staring.  Randy is not bugging his eyes out.  Now Simon is nodding.  Then she stops and Simon goes I really really really ………..thought that was …………great.  Randy says yes.  And so do the other lemmings.  Everyone really liked her.  She’s crying too, but not in an irritating way.  She’s heading around the corner with her golden ticket.

Mrs. Asian Taylor Hicks is up now.  Her mom told her she’s not TV pretty….WHAT?!?!?  What a crappy thing to say to someone’s daughter.  Except of course for the overwhelming fact that her singing is awful……..and she’s not that pretty. OOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO….I can be mean when I wanna be.   She wants a chance…but everybody says no.  Simon doesn’t want to hear any more sob stories.  And here’s mom not looking surprised at all….Seacrest is acting very Dawson’s Creek right now….and then he goes Soul Patrol.  Dork.

Now we have Lenny Kravitz Jr.  He sings back up for Anastasia and Aguilera.  He sings Always On My Mind.  Olivia is melting.  Pauler is trying to control herself.  He’s got a very cute smile and the ladies are all sighing.  Simon thinks out of everyone they have seen today, this is the best audition so far.  He thinks this kid can make the finals.  Simon says he has a likeability about him, just like Simon.  Heehee. 

Cryer is up next.  He got booted off last season during Hollywood Week and cried his way off the stage.  So, we already know he’s good enough to make it there.  And he sounds very good to me.  Simon thinks it was nice, but forgettable.  Randy says yes.  Olivia thinks he’s sweet.  Pauler says yes of course.  Hold yourself together Cryer, nobody likes a baby.

Sherman is here with a petition.  Sherman is like 60 years old.  I hope this guy isn’t some sort of nut job.  And he has a sob story.  Well….of course he does.  I know I don’t have to remind everyone how much I hate sob stories.  I am not interested in feeling sorry for you losers.  I simply want to mock you and your ineptitude.  I only want to wallow in your humiliating lack of talent.  Is that too muc to ask?!?!?!  But here it is……His wife was ill with cancer and decided to help him with his petition to be on the show.  It was something for her to do.  Something to lift her spirits.  And his wife passed away…..last Friday.  This is making me cry.  Seriously.  I'm sitting on this couch bawling my eyes out.  I'm probably going to short out this laptop.  He’s singing You Belong to Me.  It’s awful and off-key and everything I would normally make fun of and we’re all crying like big babies….because he’s singing in that way that says I love you, I love you always.  He’s singing to her.  And it’s the sweetest thing I have ever heard.  I want someone to sing like that for me some day. Simon says he’s a class act, and asks to shake his hand.  And he walks out and says, I won.  I’m a winner.  Yes.  Yes, you are.  Your wife was lucky to have you , Sherman.

Day Two and everyone is happy to be there.  Here’s a couple getting it started.  Sparkles and Nellie.  They met at the bus stop.  His grill is almost as big as his belt buckle.  He’s krunked, I think that’s what the Hubby called it.  Do not laugh at me people, I am woefully behind the times.  And nevermind about what I said earlier about Seacrest’s wardrobe…he’s wearing tan pants with his black shirt.  Tan pants?  Come on.  Is that how they're dressing on MTV these days?  Who lets him leave his house this way?  Now Sparkles is flirting with Simon….I thought she was engaged to this guy Nellie.  I think he’s blushing.  Nice try sweetie.  She’s making him nervous.  Now it’s her man’s turn….he’s not really singing….he’s sort of talking the song.  Now, they’re kissing again.  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….by the way….they were terrible singers.

Hannibal Lector is singing now.  He’s very freaky.  Definitely a serial killer.  He sings very high and through his nose.  It’s very weird.  He’s definitely going to go kill some small animals and then….Cowell sees that he used Randy and Paula’s singing DVD to prepare.  This is classic.  So he chases this guy out of the room and everyone is making a huge a scene.  Cowell is chasing him down through the halls trying to make Randy and Paula look like idiots….well….that shouldn’t be too hard.  A singing DVD.  <shaking my heads>  I think I should get that….just to give you guys a review.  I’ll have to check my Netflix queue. 

So, that’s it.  All done.  Now it’s over.  San Antonio is the next stop.  As of this exact moment, my X-Fish is still alive.  Probably working on his laser vision to carve out a piece of the tank and escape.  If he keeps getting bigger, he may start eating the fake plants….and then I’ll really worry.

Happy Wednesday people.  I hope you find your Sherman, you all have one somewhere in this big wide world.

Later gators,

Heather