Seacrest is here tonight looking very Reservoir Dogs.  Black suit, white shirt….very chic Ryan.  Randy is wearing some kind of puke shirt.  Paula looks nice and sober.  And of course Simon is in his stunning and steadfast black.  Apparently Ryan’s mother noticed Simon doing this hand gesture on the show where it looks like he’s sticking his thumb in his ear and waving….HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….just typing that makes me laugh….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..ok, well apparently the Cowell has come up with some kind of secret code to flip off Ryan.  <pause>  And after he explains that in so many words…..Ryan turns around and does it to us.  <pause>  Um.  Seacrest.  He just told us that means he’s giving you the finger….so what the hell.  I don’t think Mama Seacrest would be too happy with you right now.

 

So 31 million people voted, tonight four of our kiddies are going home.  AND stay tuned for Important Idol News.  Stay tuned.  Don’t turn off the show.  Please.  It all sounds so desperate….seriously after all this time….you don’t have to beg us anymore.  First things first - the Group Fiasco Singing Experience.  I am sorry to say that I did not listen to this….so if it actually sounded good this week….well, revel in the fact that you know something I don’t. 

 

So first on the chopping block are the boys.  Yes Ryan, everybody is nervous and no one wants to talk about it.  Back row stand up.  Thunder from Down Under is safe, Chili Palmer is safe (MAN, Seacrest is mean!), Jacuzzi is safe.  So it’s between E! and the Drunken Sheep Dog.  Danny is safe and Jason is going home.  YES!  I called it!!  I am so good at this.  Awww, Ryan, don’t ask the Cowell for advice now!  Simon says you’re problem is you don’t stand out, you’re not a bad singer.  But you need charisma….and how do you get that, gentle reader, if you’re not born with it?  Stay tuned for Important Idol News while we break for commercial #467 of the night.

 

Now it’s time for the girls.  Seacrest calls them emotional…..hey Ryan, I think Danny Boy might be the most “emotional” of the bunch.  Back row stand up.  The Horse Whisperer is safe.  Asia with an h is safe.  Snow White is safe.  So it’s between our cool rocker chick or Alexandrea.  Damnit.  I like both of these girls.  And even though I had a feeling it would be Amanda Rock….she is safe.  Alexandrea is going home.  Shoot.  That sucks.  I liked her a lot.  Now pull it together and sing.  SING!  WE COMMAND YOU!!  BECAUSE THE 31 MILLION LIKE TO WATCH YOU SUFFER!!!  BRUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  She gives Mickey Mouse a big hug…..and then another one…..and that was really awkward and really cute…..huh.  Stay tuned for Important Idol News.

 

Don’t go anywhere ladies….we’re going to chop off another head right now.  Front row stand up.  Irish Carly is safe (of course), Mini-Julie is safe (ok), Syesha is safe (ok).  So it’s down to the Sooner and the Zombie.  I TOLD you one of these girls would be going home….didn’t I…..didn’t I?  It’s Blonde versus Blonde in the mega death cage match.  Heehee….wow….I enjoy this waaaaaaaaaaaay too much not to go to hell.  So it’s Alaina.  Kady is safe.  And poor Alaina just starts bawling.  I mean really crying.  And the poor thing goes, oh, how embarrassing.  I assume because she is crying and not because she got voted out.  She cries, I can’t sing!!  No.  You can’t.  That’s why you’re going home.  SNAP!  So Ryan does his schmoozing and calms her down and tells her she should be proud of herself…blah blah blah.  And then he goes….get this….just when I think this might be the first contestant ever not to sing their death march off the show, he goes, I’ll give you a choice.  Which isn’t really a choice….it’s the producers prodding her with hot irons screaming SING SING, you puppet!!  So he does end up making her sing, but in a nice way.  Danny Boy is crying his little heart out.  And poor Alaina, she pulled it together and it might have sounded good………if she could sing.  <evil grin>  Stay tuned for Important Idol News.

 

My librarian/Lilith Crane hair-do does not always successfully hide my devil horns.

 

And now it’s finally time.  Finally time for the Important Idol News I have been sitting on the edge of my seat for….let’s hear it Ryan.  On March 11 (MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!) the top 12 will be singing the Lennon/McCartney songbook on a new stage, new set….and get this…..are you ready?.....new opening credits.  <long pause>  What?  It’s been the same androgynous Tron singer with that annoying daaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa music for EVER and now you want to change it?!?!?!?!  What is this?  Like, a successful show or something?!?!  Heehee.  And the other news is that they’re doing Idol Gives Back again this year….big shocker.  That’s on April 9 (MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!).  The fundraiser benefits starving kids in the States and in Africa.  The Hubby is wondering out loud why we don’t care about the other five continents.  I am deciding to ignore him because now they’re showing us the montage of the cute and sad kids and I’m already reaching for my credit card without even realizing it.  <sigh>  Kids will get you every time.  Seacrest tell us he shouldn’t be telling us but Brad Pitt is going to be there….and Mylie Cyrus, and Mariah Carey and Carrie Underwood and……….Daughtry.  Oh really.  Huh.  So, I guess I’ll watch that if I have nothing better to do…..

 

We didn’t forget about you boys.  Time for another head-chopping.  Front row stand up.  And then Ryan just cuts to the chase – Axl and Lukewarm come to the center of the stage.  Everybody else is safe.  Well….we knew that.  But then Seacrest says something very confusing to me.  Lukewarm is safe.  WHAT?!!?!?  You can’t possibly be telling me that this guy is going to be here for another week!?!?!  I’m not saying that Axl really blew my socks off….but come on….he was so much better than Lukewarm it’s not even funny.  My first annoying decision by America.  <deep breath>  Alright America.  I’ll give you one…..maybe even two mistakes….but no big screw ups again this year.  I’m serious.  So Simon tells him he was never really authentic (maybe it was the hair?) and we saw what they saw.  I didn’t.  And instead of trying to make Axl feel better about himself….like he does with all the girls….Seacrest just goes, well, alright, good luck.  Now sing!  SING!!!  So Axl sings…..and I’m thinking some head banging would have seemed more authentic.  But that may have messed up his wig….right?  Still better than Lukewarm. 

 

That’s two out of four of my picks.  That’s ok I guess.  All of the losers will eventually get weeded out.  I have faith in your America…..even with your vote for the worst websites.  And we’re done.  Down to 16 next week.  The Tivo cut off….or the Hubby just deleted the show….before I could hear Ryan gives us the promo so I don’t what the theme might be.  I guess it’ll have to be a surprise.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Do you realize this is only Day 9?  That’s amazing.  It already feels like this show has been on forever.  So Ami admits to casting the single vote for Cirie.  Nice.  That’s what I think everybody should have done Ami.  Everyone is very upfront at Camp Malarkey.  It’s weird how honest they are with each other.  Now Jonathan and Cirie fight some more about how Cirie doesn’t trust him and she’s now not trustworthy either….and didn’t Jonathan mutiny in his original season…..and I realize it was kind of early in the game to call what Cirie did a mutiny…..but come on.  Pot.  Kettle.  I really can’t tell the difference between you right now. 

 

So back at the Airheads camp everybody wonders who got kicked off of the Favorites tribe.  One of the thin blonde guys (either Scooper or Jason) kills an eel and everybody gets really excited and someone says I hope it tastes like hot dogs.  <long pause>  They are clearly delirious from malnutrition….because that’s like….totally insane.  Then, as is usually the case, the Piggy of the tribe is singled out and apparently today it’s Weird Science.  He just looks run down to me….and he’s laying around and not trying….and that’s never good.  I can only imagine that this must be exceedingly difficult for some people because I would like to think if it were me and there was a million dollars being dangled out at the end of the road…..I would be trying my hardest.  And back at Camp Malarkey, the Piggy is our Fair Lady – Eliza.  Awwww….Miss buggy eyes herself is feeling under the weather.  Here’s something else I would never do – admit that I was sick.  To anyone.  It would have been easier Eliza dear to go paint a big red target on your face.  Then Captain Ahab and Cutey Pie say right in front of Eliza that they should have voted her out.  Cutey Pie says, how could we be so dumb.  <evil chuckle>  OooooOOOOooooo….everybody’s getting a little nasty on this tribe.  Eliza tells the Camera Guy that she hates everyone here.  HAHAHAHAHA.  No s**t.  She tries to defend herself to the boys but it’s really no use….they got you.  You better do well in the next challenge Lady or you may be next on the chopping block.

 

So it’s time for the Reward Challenge.  Four players dive into the ocean to get coconuts with letters on them out of a cage in the water.  Then the other players unscramble the coconuts to make one word.  Eliza is not swimming which I think is a good call and Weird Science is sitting out on this one….which is another good call.  So Captain Ahab swims in first for Camp Malarkey and you know what this guy does…..because he’s such an awesome swimmer…..he grabs as many coconuts as he can from the back of the cage and pushes them to the front.  While the Airheads get one at a time, Malarkey uses their strongest swimmer to give them an advantage.  Brilliant.  And let me say for the billionth time – Ozzie is the best Survivor ever.  So the Favorites get way out ahead, bring their coconuts back to the beach and in about as much time as it took them to get all the letters face up Cutey Pie is standing to the side and goes, is it ‘triumphant’?  is that a word?  HAHAHAHAHAHA….and then he goes, you know if I get this……HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..and of course he’s right and of course the Favorites win.  Oh yeah…they got three hens and a rooster.  That’s cool.  So they send Crazy Lady back to Exile and this time Captain Ahab goes with her….that’s nice considering he won the challenge for you guys.  And I’m being serious…because he could really use that immunity idol.

 

So the Airheads are depressed and feeling sorry for themselves.  Yeah.  This is harder than it looks like on TV.  I get it.  Stop whining.  Someone says the Crazy Lady is probably eating better than any of them…of course….she’s with Captain Ahab.  Ozzie can basically make fish leap out of the water, talk to the trees, make fire with his eyes….that kind of thing.  So while Crazy Lady is trying to make a fire, our man Ozzie pretends to go looking for food and instead decides to look for the hidden idol.  It takes him what seems like five minutes to find it.  That’s friggin awesome!!!  So he finds it and hides it in his ridiculously oversized hat, sneaks it into his bag, and then get this….this is such an awesome idea….he whittles a fake idol out of some driftwood he finds on the beach to replace the real one.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s genius!!!  Did I mention he’s the best Survivor.  Ever.  Ever ever. 

 

Our Fair Lady is trying to get on Havarti’s good side and tells her that Jonathan cannot be trusted.  Hmmmm….not exactly a newsflash there Eliza.  But while they’re talking about getting rid of Jonathan, who walks up?  Of course.  Jonathan.  And yes, he hears them talking about him.  I don’t know if he was purposefully following them, or if he just accidentally ran into them….but lucky for him he heard Eliza sneaking around.  Why aren’t you freaking out about Eliza, Jonathan?  Like Cirie?  Havarti sees Eliza’s pitch for what it is – her desperate attempt to stay on the island.  Well that’s good at least.  I hope Eliza goes before she gets too disgustingly thin though….that always grosses me out. 

 

Now it’s time for the Immunity Challenge and this one looks cool.  Six on each team have to get into this big harness thing, unlock their individual pieces of this contraption….wield it through an obstacle course and pick up decoder bracelets, give the bracelets to two other teammates and let them solve a puzzle.  Eliza is on the puzzle-solving side again, which I think is a good call….she’s very good at those.  This challenge isn’t even close though.  The Airheads have some kind of problem with their locks….and fall seriously behind.  Malarkey leaves them in the dust.  And Eliza solves the puzzle in about seven seconds.  Awesome.  So the Aireheads lost another one….but the Favs are still intact and our man Ozzie is the best.  Ever. 

 

Back at Camp Airheads, after everyone gets over being depressed about what losers they are….all the talk is about Weird Science going home…and you know what?  He doesn’t seem to care one little bit.  Except he is part of Boob the Builder's little alliance and she’s having none of this giving up crap.  So she takes matters into her own hands and starts in on Firefighter Joel.  Placing the seeds of doubt into his head about going along with Mikey B.  She makes some excellent arguments, but I’m not totally convinced it will be enough.  They hurry us right on to Tribal Council though where I’m sure Jeffy poo will get it all sorted out.

 

Jeffy  asks if the game is even now that they’ll have the same number of players as the Favorites, and Jason (who I still know nothing about) says he thinks the Favs have the advantage…or at least the momentum with all of their recent wins.  So they start talking about keeping the tribe strong and Jeffy asks who wants to admit to being the weakest link and Weird Science practically dislocates his shoulder throwing his hand up in the air.  The first challenge was harder than I thought it would be…but other than that I’m doing well.  Ok, dude.  Whatever you say.  Mikey B says no way, Chet is the weakest link and we have to keep the tribe strong.  I don’t think he has the physical ability to stay here and help us….and then Boob the Builder says, listen, Chet sat out of a challenge, I sat out and so did Kathy and they lost every single one of those challenges without us….so tell me….how can we be hurting them?  NICE!  She should be a lawyer!!  Then the Scooper starts talking about how physical strength isn’t everything….hmmm….maybe Boob swayed more people than I thought.  And then Firefighter Joel is nodding and basically says the same thing.  So Jeffy says, ok, time to vote.  But wait – Jason cuts him off and says again I just want to tell every that they need to vote to keep this tribe strong…we need strength on this tribe and I gotta say when he cut of Jeffy poo the look on Jeffy’s face was priceless.  Kind of a cross between “don’t you know I run the show here?” and “who the hell is this guy?”  Heehee….it was awesome.  When Jason finally finishes his rant, Jeffy goes – Anyone else have anything they want to say?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  No?  Ok, NOW it’s time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person being voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  This should be interesting, because now I have no idea.  I’m still pretty sure it’s gonna be Chet.  So the votes go to Chet, and Chet, and then Mikey.  And then another for Mikey….and then Chet…..and then Mikey……it’s tied three to three.  And then Mikey gets the rest of the votes and I am dumbfounded.  First of all that they didn’t think they needed someone stronger to save them in the challenges.  Especially now that they won’t be sitting anyone out.  And also that Boob could sway Joel like that so easily.  One little comment about him being led around by Mikey…..and he lets Boob lead him around instead.  Brilliant play.  But Joel is clearly not the leader of this tribe.

 

I don’t know why I care about the Airheads…..our man Ozzie should win this time.  Man, I hope he wins this time.  He deserved to win last time….

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

Happy Leap Year!  Years divisible by four are leap years, but not years divisible by 100.  The year 2000 was the first leap year that was divisible by both 100 and 4, so it was a leap year.  Leap years are needed to keep our calendar in alignment with the earth’s rotation.  Leap Day is also St. Oswald’s Day, named after a 10^th century archbishop of York who died February 29, 992.  The Italian composer Rossini, Dinah Shore, and Ja Rule were all born on February 29^th. 

First, I would like to comment on the weather, please.  You know.  I don’t have a problem with it being cold.  And I don’t have a problem with it being mild.  But having one day cold and the next not….is confusing everything and everybody.  All my plants are trying to bloom….and they will inevitably die now thanks to this new freeze front coming through.  Thankfully I take about four hundred vitamins a day (something you really must do once you turn 30, otherwise the downhill slide happens way too quickly), so I have not yet gotten pneumonia or the flu or some other ridiculously annoying disease.  Although.  Friends, coworkers and family have been walking around like zombies, all hopped up on their cold medicine and cough drops.  Sniffling and hacking and being all gross and phlegmy.  I realize I will go to hell for this….but seriously…..can any of you stand listening to someone cough…..nonstop……for hours?  I don’t care how much you normally like or even love that person…..if they don’t stop coughing…..you just want to kill them.

 

Whew.  Glad I got that off my chest.  So let’s get down to it.  The ladies are singing tonight.  The top ten.  The Hubby of course made some comment about “Tens” and ladies and I wasn’t paying attention enough to repeat whatever he was saying….Here’s Ryan, looking much more casual tonight in jeans and that five o’ clock shadow he gets sometimes.  And here are our judges.  Randy in some weird yellow sweater cardigan thing.  Paula in a weird looking dress.  And Simon in his standard gray.  The girls have to sing more 70’s songs tonight….and they better be great because the boys are on a roll right now.

 

First up for the night is Irish Carly.  She tells us that aside from the tattoo parlor she and her husband run, she also works at an Irish bar as a bartender.  There’s a shock.  She knows how to put the shamrocks on top of a pint of Guinness.  Neato.  She decides to sing Heart – Crazy On You.  I think she sounds great.  She is obviously feeling much much better this week.  She looks healthy.  Kind of screamy in the middle of the song, but I liked it.  Randy liked the middle and the end.  Paula says good to hear you healthy.  Simon says you were better than last week, you are an incredible singer, better than the other girls, but you haven’t picked the perfect song yet.  You haven’t had your moment.  Wow….Simon really likes her….but I don’t think anyone missed him saying you’re better than the other girls.  Not the boys.  Just the girls.  Hmmmmm….Seacrest talks to her for about three seconds and then is like Good luck ok bye.  Always in such a hurry, Ryan.  Relax, we have ninety minutes again tonight.

 

Simon’s Pick (Syesha) is singing second tonight.  Wow….that was a mouthful.  Her super top secret she decides to share with America – she’s been in commercials.  There’s a shock.  This girl is beautiful.  Of course she could be a TV advert actress.  That’s not much of a stretch.  And then she does this impression of a baby crying….which was kind of creepy.  She sings Me and Mr Jones.  This sounds off to me….like sharp.  But when she belts it out, she sounds great.  And yes…..she can hold a note for a very long time.  ‘A nice set of lungs’ according to the Hubby.  Randy says he didn’t like the song choice, it wasn’t great for her.  Paula said you fell off pitch on the softer notes.  Simon called it indulgent.  He said the song was not written for a girl to sing so it didn’t make any sense.  It was not a good choice.  Maybe you should have sang Amy Winehouse’s Me and Mr. Jones….huh…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, maybe not.  Hmmmm….clearly she is not his Choice anymore.  Don’t worry sweetheart, you’re too pretty to get kicked out this early.  Ryan yells good luck and throws her off the stage.

 

Next up is Snow White.  In her little share-fest, we learn that she went to beauty school.  And she dropped out.  <long pause>  Somebody slap me.  You are a gift for bloggers of the world, my dear….you really are.  The Beauty School Dropout.  Listen…..I had to work on a high school production of Grease….like about a hundred million other people in this county…..so any allusion brings back a flood of memories – both good and bad.  And very very bad.  <grimace>  So anyway, the Beauty School Dropout is playing the guitar.  She is singing a Carly Simon song – You’re So Vain.  I don’t know….it sounded off to me.  It’s hard to tell sometimes while they’re still on the small stage….because the acoustics in this place are weird.  It sounds off to me, but the judges loved it.  Randy liked the song choice.  Paula asks if it was about Simon, is that why you kept looking at him while you were singing?  The Beauty School Dropout kind of smiles and says….well…..yes.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Nice.  Simon says well, I thought it was about me too.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.  That’s hysterical.  She thanks the band.  And I just listened to the original song on YouTube and I guess it’s just the song I don’t like…..so I guess she did pretty well.  The Hubby doesn’t like her at all….but I think she’ll be around for a while.  Good luck now go away.

 

Mini-Julie (Ramielle) is singing fourth.  She tells us that she does Polynesian dancing.  Which is hula dancing I think.  Ok….man, she is tiny.  She is singing Don’t Leave Me This Way.  She does not look like she’s having very much fun.  It was ok, I guess.  Randy says he didn’t like the song….me either!!!  Pick some better songs, ladies….come on!!  Paula calls her one to beat (what, huh?) but it wasn’t the right song.  You know….Paula’s comments just fall flat sometimes….when she is clearly speaking nonsense.  Simon says, astonishingly I agree with Paula <chuckle> , last week was better.  Then he says you are in the top three of the competition.  Really?  I wouldn’t have said that.  That wasn’t your best.  I hope she's around at least until 80's week....because this girl just screams 80's to me.  Seacrest sums everything up succinctly and Paula goes right on Ryan.  She likes her alliteration so much….she keeps saying it.  Really fast.  RightonRyanrightonRyanrightonRyan.  And then Simon goes, you’re so clever….in that snotty sarcastic way British people have about them.  You know what I mean.  Good luck from Ryan, and we’re off to another commercial.  I think they needed ninety minutes for the ads, not the singing….

 

The Horse Whisperer is singing now.  She tells us she’s a tomboy.  Which isn’t really something we would never have guessed about her.  I mean, we already knew about the horses, right.  And if you have horses and ride them….you’re outside a lot…..shoveling horse poop.  So we know you’re not squeamish.  But thanks for sharing anyway.  Here’s something you probably never guessed, gentle readers – Darth Heather grew up with horses.  That’s right.  We had horses.  Lots of them.  And I used to have to take care of them.  Me and Skywalker.  Builds character, keeps you out of trouble, and completely cures your girly dreams of ever wanting a pony.  She’s singing Linda Ronstadt – You’re No Good.  She’s pretty too, but what is with her tongue.  It’s like bright red…..distracting.  I like her attitude…..the song is kind of repetitive…..and the ending was kind of awful.  But it was ok.  Randy said much better than last week, good song choice, and it was in tune (you really shouldn’t have to compliment them on that, Randy).  Paula said, You’re back.  Thanks Paula.  Simon says it was a huge improvement, you have real potential, but he doesn’t know how to label her yet.  He suggested she try some country….which I think is a pretty good idea.  Country singers have had a lot of success on this show recently…..good luck and a shove from Seacrest means we’re moving on….

 

Our cool rocker chick is singing sixth tonight.  She tells us she’s a bookworm.  Knowledge is power.  She likes reading biographies.  Reading is fun.  <smile>  I’m sure you already guessed that about me….I do like to read.  I’ll thank my parents for that.  When was the last time any of you read a book?  I mean a whole book, front to back and the pages in between?  Any book?  I hope it hasn’t been too long.  There are a lot of great books out there and ideas and stories and you should never be too busy to let your mind wander in another world or another time or another life….even if it’s only during your lunch break.  So anyway, our cool rocker chick looks totally crazy tonight.  She’s got her hair done up like Elvira meets Peggy Bundy.  It’s kind of scary looking, but I’m sure that’s the look she was going for.  She got the scary punk ‘trousers’ on, as Randy called them.  She’s singing some Kansas song…I don’t know what it’s called.  She sounds flat to me.  She didn’t try anything new, which I think someone suggested last week.  Anyway, she gets through and you can just see by the look on her face that she knows it was bad.  Randy said that was not the right song, very pitchy.  Paula tells her how special she is, and that she is needed in the competition.  I don’t know Paula, she really didn’t show that tonight.  Simon says everything felt contrived.  It was an ugly song and he didn’t like her hair or her outfit.  And then of course Paula feels like she needs to add a whole long explanation to try to make our cool rocker chick feel better about herself, and of course this only results in making her feel worse and giving Ryan a coronary because he is on a very serious time schedule here people.  GOOD LUCK!!!

 

And now it’s time for Commercial #902 of the night.

 

We’re back with the Sooner (Alaina Whitaker who just turned 17).  She tells us that she can’t have her food touch other food on her plate.  <long pause>  Ok.  So she’s nuts.  That’s interesting at least.  Train wreck singers do make the news a lot more than boring singers….or at least they get shown on TMZ more.  Let me digress….again….the Hubby and I have become hopelessly addicted to that show – TMZ.  It’s hysterical.  It’s a paparazzi show and it’s only a half hour long and yes, I do feel kind of guilty for watching it, like a live version of the gossip mags you secretly read all the headlines on while you're waiting in line in the the grocery store, but not nearly as guilty as I do for watching The Moment of Truth.  So anyway, the Nutcase decides to sing Olivia Newton John – Hopelessly Devoted.  Please refer back to my comments about Grease here….I’m not a big fan of this song.  She sounded ok, but not as good as Ms. Olivia and I think that’s gonna hurt her.  Randy didn’t like the song, he said it was pitchy and sharp.  Paula said it wasn’t that bad Randy, real good <shaking my head>.  Simon says it was really old fashioned.  He says he likes her more now than he did before, she’s a dark horse in the competition, but she needs to sort herself out.  <sigh>  Don’t we all Simon….don’t we all.  Then Seacrest and Simon start arguing about fashion and the Nutcase’s blue dress (which did look like a junior high prom dress, by the way).  I like it when they argue…always entertaining.  Then Seacrest remembers that he’s running out of time….just like the White Rabbit.  Good luck you crazy OCD freak, as we race off to get another ad in….

 

Alexandrea is singing now.  She was a poster child for the Atlanta Fire Department, and she used to sing at all of their events, including an impromptu performance at a Ground Zero gathering.  That’s kind of interesting.  I like this girl.  She has pizzazz.  But what is up with the weird skater outfit.  A hoodie and heels?  Is that really what the kids are wearing these days?  Really?  The song is super boring…I have no idea what it’s called, but I should because it’s a familiar song….she of course sounds great.  Randy asks her what she thought and she goes well, it’s over!  HAHAHAHAHA.  He told her it was too safe, she needs to challenge herself.  Paula says make it your own.  You’re always relevant and you’re important to this competition….hey. Wait just a darn minute there Paula.  I thought Amanda was important to the competition.  You can’t repeat these comments Paula….come on now.  Simon says there was nothing you could do with that song.  I think he likes her too….but he was just not impressed by that performance.  And he said he likes her outfit….or rather he said she looked great….which may not be the same thing.  But anyway, I think she’ll be around for a while.  Ryan says ok, whatever, good luck, moving on.

 

The Zombie is singing next, you remember Kady’s enthralling performance from last week, right?  She tells us she’s an opera singer.  Wowee.  I soooooooo didn’t care to hear that.  Don’t get me wrong.  I do like to listen to opera….very eclectic taste in music kiddies….but seriously, who cares.  You know I get Kady and Alaina mixed up…..they do sort of look alike right?  Anyway, the Zombie seriously almost fell down the steps when she started to sing her song.  That was scary.  She’s singing another Heart song and it sounds ok, not great.  Kind of like her twin sister.  Randy says these are really interesting song choices….and of course, by interesting he means bad.  He says you were never really in tune.  Paula says the low notes were off, but you need to find who you are….whatever that means.  Simon says you are confusing.  Yeah.  Because she looks like Alaina.  And then he says he’s never heard that song before.  What?!?!?  Crazy limey.  She does her Britney Spears impression (which is sadly better than her impression of herself), thanks Ryan.  It was cute.  Seacrest says good luck, pushes her into the band to make room for……………more commercials.

 

Last up for the night is Daddy’s Little Girl.  Our sentimental favorite.  God, I really want Asia with an h to do really well in this competition and I really hate the fact that I really care….She was a cheerleader, which explains her athletic body (sigh….would have been a good reason to hate her).  She’s always got those ridiculously huge earrings on too.  She is singing All By Myself…which Celine Dion has sung…..hmmmm….this may not be a good idea.  And it starts off really bad….she totally misses a few notes there in the beginning…..and the Hubby is grumbling, but I tell him to wait for it.  Just wait.  And she struggles and struggles and then there it is.  She hits the refrain and it’s like a whole different person and we’re all rooting for her.  It’s beautiful.  If you caught the look on the boys’ faces, they’re rooting for her too.  This girl is a fighter, and in every song there is drama, and she just picks you up and takes you on that journey with her…..how can you not like her?  How can you not?  Randy says, the highest degree of difficulty, but you did it.  Paula says, we were waiting and waiting and then there it was.  Well said, Paula.  Exactly what I was feeling.  And then Mr. Happy tells her she’s not that good, you almost got away with the diva song….but not quite.  It was a silly decision and you need to know your limitations.  <shaking my head>  I normally agree with our loveable Brit, but not tonight.  Wait for it, Simon.  Just wait for it.

 

So my picks for these week’s biggest losers are…hmmm….I think it should be either the Sooner or the Zombie….so I don’t have to worry about telling them apart anymore and I think our cool rocker chick is in trouble.  I hope not….but that’s what my gut is telling me…..we’ll find out tonight.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s time for the boys to sing again.  We’re down to 10 this week.  The Caps are playing tonight.  They got a few really good trades to make their run to the playoffs, so that should be exciting.  They’re already up on Minnesota but now it’s time for some singing.  Here’s Ryan in his black and beige number.  Say hello to the band everybody.  Here’s Randy and the Watch, Paula the Sober, and Simon in Black.  The theme tonight is 70’s music….hmmmm…..does that mean next week will be 80’s week!?!?!?  They better not skip the 80’s, I’ll be so pissed.

 

So anyway, Olie the Goalie is looking good against the Wild, so let’s get down to it.  The Thunder from Down Under is first tonight.  Wow, he went from the Producer’s choice position to first….that can’t be good.  He looks really dressed up in the orange t-shirt and jeans.  He’s singing ‘Go Your Own Way’ or something like that….it sounds pretty good to me.  At least he’s into it….but you know I kind of remember him being a lot better than this…..weird.  Randy says maybe not your best, but I liked it.  Paula says consistent, charismatic, charming.  Simon says it was ok, you’re coasting, it was a weak choice of song.  Paula totally disagrees.  Oh good, she’s in one of her belligerent moods tonight.  Seacrest reminds us to call 1-866 and not 1-800…and wow are they rushing us through this.  Only 90 minutes tonight, which is not even close to being short enough to appease the Hubby.

 

Number two is Danny Zuko (Jason Castro) singing with his trusty guitar again.  The thing we never wanted to know about him? He’s bad at interviews, which is funny.  Not good at talking.  So I guess you’re happy this is a singing contest….just sing all of your answers and you’ll be fine.  He’s singing Your Everything, or whatever it's called and it’s kind of a blah song.  Sweet but blah.  Randy says the guitar was good but the vocals were only ok.  Paula says well…..you’re cute (which is the equivalent to saying you have a nice personality when someone asks if they’re pretty), she suggests trying something without the guitar.  Simon says the song was too schmaltzy…whatever that means….must be some British word.  He says Vincent Vega chose a very average song and it was all out of sorts.  And Seacrest sums up everything in 8 seconds or less and rushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhes everybody off the stage and on to…

 

Number three who is Lukewarm.  I cannot believe this guy is still here.  And the thing that we never wanted to know about potato head?  He sings in an a cappella group, that tours around the world.  Well.  Of course you do.  That doesn’t change my opinion of you Luke!!  You’re still a total Spud dud.  And he picked Queen because the first thing I ever thought of when I looked at him was wow, that’s a remarkable resemblance to Freddie Mercury.  You nut.  Why would you pick this song?  It is predictably boring.  Randy points out what a tough song that was, but thinks he did better this week….which I don’t think is saying much.  Paula says it was a perfect song for you and a great week.  <long pause> Ok, so I mistook being high on crack for being alert and awake….my bad.  Simon says you made a mistake with the song, because you’ll always be compared to the original and you have no charisma or personality.  It was very theatrical (?huh?) and whiny.  Seacrest calls him Dawson’s Creek….which is very appropriate….and off you go.

 

Number four is Axl Rose (Robbie Carrico) and the thing we never wanted to know about Axl?  He drag races.  That’s very cool…right.  I would probably think that if it hadn’t been for that road racing tragedy in Accokeek the other week…..but he makes the distinction that you should only race on a track and not in the street.  Good boy, I bet the lawyers made you say that.  He’s singing Hotblooded and it sounds good to me.  He’s enjoying himself and I like him.  Easy on the ears.  Now Randy is questioning his rockness….that is so weird.  He says, you don’t sound rock enough.  Ok.  Paula points out that nobody knows you but you.  Thanks, hon.  Simon says, don’t get so defensive.  I thought you were ok.  But he said that last part in a nice way.  And Axl tries to look badass while Seacrest speed talks through the “don’t vote until” schpeal.

 

Number five is E Entertainment (Danny Noriega) and he was in a punk band in the 9^th grade.  Really?  Because I would never have associated you with……..punk.  He’s singing some Carpenters song….and it sounds really weird.  I don’t know about this kid…I just don’t.  He’s very Joel Grey in Cabaret…..he’s fun but you’re just not sure if you’re having fun.  Randy is laughing, uh oh.  He says you should have sped it up, and stop thinking so much.  Paula says, you got skills, just take a deep breath, forget about us and perform.  Simon says it was better than last week., you were over-concentrating, but you look terrific on camera and you stand out in a crowd.  And E is thrilled to hear it and admits that he sounded awful last week. 

 

Number six is Oz (David Hernandez) and he used to be a gymnast when he was a kid….back flips and cartwheels and everything…..ok.  Thanks for sharing that little tidbit.  He’s singing Papa Was a Rolling Stone and it sounds awesome.  He’s into it, great song, he gets the audience all riled up.  Loved it.  The ending was cool.  Randy goes, check this out dawg, yo yo yo, that was too hot!!!  So I guess he liked it.  Paula says your voice is so pure, amazing, great personality, perfect.  Simon says that was the best vocal of the night so far.  You take criticism as a challenge and I wasn’t a fan, but now I am.  Nice.  Seacrest says hgweoirefjewoijrfoiewrjgoijoimmleiwpipok.  <smile>  Calm down, man.  We have plenty of time.

 

Number seven is the Sheep Dog, Jason Yaegher.  He plays multiple instruments, self taught on the piano and the guitar and the drums.  Good for you, playing instruments is important.  I don’t know what the song is….but I hate it.  It is so full of cheese.  Cheesy Mc Cheese-a-lot.  Disco in a bad way.  Randy is questioning the whole thing, it was pitchy, sounded karaoke, the Doobie Brothers (oh, ok) was a bad song choice.  Paula says pick singer-songs.  Simon called it awkward and ordinary, it had a horrific ending, he looked like he was drunk at a party (he did some really lame dance moves, kind of reminded me of a scarecrow)…..oh boy…..try to stay cool Sheep Dog.  Seacrest drills him on being humiliated like that….and Simon is bored, he says roll the Oscar music….these speeches are never-ending.  So not only did he insult the Sheep Dog by calling his performance horrific, he cuts him off and does the pac man hands, sign language for blah blah blah.

 

Number eight is Jacuzzi.  And he explains to us the only actually interesting tidbit of info we learned about anyone tonight.  His name is Nigerian and is pronounced Che-KAY-zee.  It means “well created by God”.  Nice.  My name is a flower…..and when I say that it reminds me of the skunk in Bambi.  Heehee.  He’s got some day-glo green on…wowee.  He’s singing I Believe, or something like that, and he is into it.  I mean really into it.  Great energy.  He sounds fantastic.  I really liked it.  Randy says yo yo yo, you’re back.  Blazin’.  That was hot baby.  Paula likes the reference to Simon getting his name wrong in the song…which was pretty funny.  Simon says it was really clever, a million times better than last week.  You had to admit, watching back your performance from last week, how hideous that suit was….and Chikezie is like, no way, I love that suit, I just wouldn’t wear it again on TV – only you do that.  Woo!  SNAP.  Now Simon is like….I was starting to like you….but not anymore….you’re horrifying your mother.  Heehee.  It was all pretty funny….and as the Hubby pointed out, everyone still says his name wrong.

 

Number nine is Captain Cook (David) and we find out that he is a word nerd.  Which is neat because so am I….which is ok for me because I’m an auditor and people expect that kind of activity out of auditors…..but you’re gonna have to do a little better for Entertainment Weekly Captain.  He’s playing the guitar, singing All Right Now and he sounds more rock than Axl did.  Why would you play the electric guitar though when Ricky Miner and the band has that great guitar player….you’re not better than that guy….It was pretty good though.  Randy is laughing, and now I have no idea what that means, good or bad.  He says you’re the real rocker (poor Axl) and smart song choice.  Paula says the band is on fire, in her usual helpful way of pointing out everything that has nothing to do with the kiddies on stage.  Then she calls him very fun and relevant.  Simon says it was solid, believable, but not a lot of charismer (British for charisma).  Now Captain Cook is talking back to the Simon….never a good idea…..and now the Simon is annoyed.  He says look.  Smart ass.  I know the rules to the contest and I’m only giving you an opinion.  Hmmmmmmmm….something tells me Captain won’t be getting a glowing review next week…..

 

Number ten is Mickey Mouse.  He gets to sing this week in the coveted Producer’s Choice slot.  He tells us that he got a chance to meet the Season One finalists when he was eleven.  Oh dear Jesus……ELEVEN!!  And he sang for them…..which they had a clip of….and man.  He sounded better than Justin Gwarini….that’s for sure.  Even Miss Clarkson steps up to him and goes, what’s your name?  Because she knows she’s gonna hear it again….He’s singing John Lennon, Imagine.  I don’t know…being compared to the original and all that…..but oh my goodness.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  This kid has an amazingly beautiful voice.  I cannot believe he is so young.  Randy called him brilliant, best vocal ever on the show.  Paula called him ridiculous, and then she said she wanted to squish him and squeeze him and hang him from her rear view mirror…..um…..ok.  That’s kind of creepy.  She said, which I guess is what she meant by all the psycho killer babble, that was the most moving song and the most moving rendition she had ever heard.  Simon says the song choice was very risky, but it worked.  You are the one to beat.  And then Seacrest tries to talk to him afterwards and Mickey Mouse is such a dork….and guffaws his way through a few questions….but I agree.  He’s the one to beat.  But we all said that about Clay Aiken, and look where he ended up.  Singing in a Broadway production of Spamalot.  Still, Mickey Mouse’s performance is at the very least gonna be downloaded like a hundred million times from iTunes.  Guaranteed.

 

Ok, my picks for the boys to go home this week are Lukewarm (because I hate that guy) and the Drunken Sheep Dog (because he’s no good and Simon hates him).  The girls are up tonight.  Can’t wait.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Mary is out at Camp Airheads, and poor Mikey B is now faced with the painfully obvious reality that he is not in charge the way he thought he was.  So he “confronts” Firefighter Joel and tells him, no big deal, he doesn’t mind and then he tries to explain why he doesn’t mind….and I didn’t follow any of that.  But then he tells the camera that the Firefighter is playing the wrong kind of game.  Not from this side of the camera, Mikey.  You’re the one who was surprised about last night, not the Firefighter.  Now the Firefighter is telling us he wants to see the look on Mikey’s face when he gets hit with the baseball bat of reality….or whatever he was trying to say (these boys aren’t really speaking English are they?)….but I think Mikey already got ‘woken up’ when you voted Mary out.  Pretty much gave yourself away there, Firefighter.

 

Back at Camp Malarkey where the Beautiful People invite Eliza Doolittle to hang out with them on the beach.  Oh loverly!!  Then Ozzy Ahab starts interrogating her….ahhhh….the real reason they invited her to hang out!!  Ozzy Ahab wants to vote out Yau-Man next because he’s so weak.  Hmmmm….wasn’t that little Ninja Monk the one who won all those individual immunity idols?  I’m not sure I’d describe him as weak…So our fair lady just smiles and nods (the rine in spine sties minely in the pline) and then runs back to Jonathan to tell him how much Ozzy hates him.

 

All we find out from the Leftovers is that Cirie isn’t telling them whole truth and nothing but the truth because she’s still trying to decide which group she’s going to align with, and we find out she is very aware of how powerful her position is right now.  So now it’s time for the Reward Challenge, apparently this week the challenges are going to be separated.  The tribes have to paint themselves up all Lord of the Flies and then run around in waist deep water in some kind of lagoon carrying these bags, they have to get enough bags into their “end zone” at the same time, and you steal bags from the other side even if they get them into their end zone.  This is gonna be brutal!  They each got to pick their rewards out of the Survivor catalogue o’ goodies.  And I don’t remember what they picked….so use your imagination. 

 

The challenge is a melee.  People are getting tackled, bonked, beaten and drowned left and right.  One teams has the upperhand and then the other.  Erik flips Blurry Butt into the water and here comes Cutey Pie to the rescue.  Wait a minute….shouldn’t Captain Ahab be coming to the rescue?  In the end, the Favorites win.  Not surprising.  They get to send someone to exile island, so they send Crazy Lady again….clearly hoping that she will find the immunity idol.  And Ami is the Favorite going this time.  Oh.  Hi Ami.  Totally forgot you were on this show….talk about laying low.  You’ve crashed into the trees you’re flying so low under the radar. 

 

Back at Camp Malarkey, basking in their glory, completely oblivious to Cirie and her scheming.  And isn’t Cirie a hoot, suggesting that people should be sucking up to her a little more!!  HAHAHA.  I think she’s right….but man, that sounds totally awful.  So she decides to try to get an alliance with Havarti and Blurry Butt.  That’s an interesting idea.  Why not keep the girls together.  You’ll need three to vote out the boys in the end anyway.  Professor Higgins and our fair lady are back at the beach watching the boating trip.  And while Jonathan seems perfectly ok with Cirie talking to the other girls, Eliza is of course….being Eliza and suggesting that they are filling her head with lies.  Cirie seems to convince the girls to vote out the Ninja Monk because he could get an immunity idol at any possible second.  Ok.  Talk about paranoid.  She’s been in Exile Island….why in the world would she think the Ninja Monk would have any better luck finding the thing, than her? 

 

Speaking of Exile Island, Ami is trying to find the clues, but the Crazy Lady is too tired to go island-hopping again and so she plays dumb.  Ami apparently forgets that she’s already been here.  As the storms roll in, they head back to the Island.  The storms pummel Camp Airheads.  They are getting soaked because of their piddly useless shelter.  Camp Malarkey is living it up, dry and warm.  All the Airheads get pruney, pale and miserable as a result of their rain-drenched night.  Talk about miserable….I couldn’t handle that….at all.  I’m too much of a baby to face the elements like that…no thank you….not for me.  Plus there was lightening.  And you all know how I feel about lightening.  But no time for pouting or recovery, it’s off to the Immunity Challenge.

 

Ok, so four people have to hold a heavy net basket and the rest of the team tries to fill the other team’s basket with as many coconuts as they can.  Whoever can hold on to their net the longest, wins.  Seems easy, right?  I’m thinking this is gonna be a breeze for the Favorites.  They’re well-rested.  Not pruney.  No problem.  Well…..as usual, that was not the case at all.  The Fans pulled out another upset, and kept the seesaw balanced for a little while longer.  And now the Favorites have to go to Tribal Council.  This should be interesting. 

 

So back at Camp Malarkey, and the Leftovers want to boot out Havarti because she’s sleeping with Cutey Pie.  The Beautiful People go with Cirie’s plan to vote out the Ninja Monk….but Captain Ahab and Blurry Butt have their own ideas, which is voting out our fair lady Eliza.  Cirie is annoyed that they could possibly be questioning her since she clearly has all the power.  Cirie says, what about Jonathan?  And then between Eliza and her buggy eyes looking over everybody’s shoulder and then Ami walking right into the middle of the plotting, the Beautiful People get broken up.  Jonathan asks Ami what’s going on, and she tells him it’s either you or Yau. 

 

So now Jonathan is finally worried and in his own gentle charming way confronts Cirie and demands her loyalty to the Leftovers.  While he tries to convince her that she won’t be the fifth wheel in their plan, she tells him the Beautiful People have given her the same argument.  And now she’s being just as haughty as Jonathan.  Captain Ahab and Blurry Butt are creeping in on the conversation.  Where’s the privacy!?!?!  So Cirie, obviously uncomfortable being called out in front of both sides, decides she needs to be alone and think.  So Jonathan pulls Captain Ahab aside and says, well….if it has to be Yau, it has to be.  Nice.  There’s loyalty for you….and Ozzy of course says, no it has to be Eliza.  Jonathan points out that Havarti is more of a threat than Eliza because she has obvious alliances. 

 

Everybody is annoyed that Cirie has the power right now.  Um.  I have a suggestion.  Why don’t you all vote Cirie out?  She’s not playing along….and just threatening her with that would be enough to get her to go along with one side or the other.  Cutey Pie is annoyed, but I don’t think his strategy skills are strong enough to make that leap.  Cirie still wants to vote for Yau.  The boys wants to vote for Eliza.  And the Leftovers appear to be voting for Havarti.

 

Time for Tribal Council and Jeffy poo to sort everything out.  Jeffy asks Jonathan how bad does it suck to be back here.  Nice open-ended question there, Jeff.  Cutey Pie respects the Airheads.  Ninja Monk says they need to be hungrier to win.  Cirie tries to make it sound like she’s playing for herself and the tribe, which is just ridiculous.  She says if her decision isn’t what someone else wants, that doesn’t mean it’s just for her.  Ok.  Our ever-observant Jeffy poo sees Jonathan making faces at Cirie and asks what is that all about?  So now Cirie and Jonathan have it out.  Jonathan is accusing her of jumping sides and she is trying to defend herself.  Jonathan points out that she agreed to their alliance, but now she’s saying he wants to vote out Havarti and she doesn’t want to and she doesn’t trust him as far as she can throw him.  Nice.  Let’s get that all out in the clear.  The Ninja Monk is being remarkably silent in the face of his imminent doom.  Havarti acknowledges that her flirting could look like manipulating and she knows her name has been brought up.  So it’s time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.

 

Jonathan voted for Havarti.  Cirie voted for the Ninja Monk….and apparently so did everyone else…..except for one vote for Cirie.  Hmmmmm….I’m curious who that was…..Yau Man said he had a nice time, blah blah blah.  And that vote for Cirie came from Ami.  Huh.  Interesting.  So that’s it for this week.

 

Later gators,

Heather

YES.  It's time for the very first vote-off show of the season.  This is always exciting, seeing someone's dreams crushed forever.  <evil giggle>  I'm just kidding....I always feel kind of bad for the kiddies at this point because they made it so far.  I especially feel bad for them if they didn't deserve to go....so that better not be the case tonight.  As you all are painfully familiar with my melodramatic threats to quit watching the show mid-season whenever someone I like gets voted out early <ahem, Daughtry>...I will try really really hard not to do that again.  But I make no promises.

 

Let's get down to it.  The vote-off show is an hour long....which is a ridiculously long time to drag out the news.....some kid is gonna pop a blood vessel one year waiting and then they're gonna be sorry for trying to build up their anxiety to mammoth proportions.  Seacrest tells us that 28 million people voted.  That's cool...I guess its still popular.  Randy, Paula and Simon are here to tell us whether they agree with America or not.  The show a little montage of the kiddies going to Hollywood and getting the royal treatment, blah blah blah.  The only redeeming part of this little medley was that it was set to Daughtry's song 'What About Now'.  <heehee>  No.  No I will never stop talking about him. 

 

Now the kiddies are doing their first group dance number of the season.  These are always so bad.  This is their 60's tribute and well....I am sorry to say....we did not sit through the entire ditty.  The girls outfits made them look like go go dancers....which I guess was the point.  The Hubby said it reminded him of the Brady Bunch.  Which is just about the nicest thing I can think of to say about it.  Filler filler filler......

 

Now we're back from the break and Seacrest wants to talk to Garrett....why I have no idea.  Oh.  It's because he's going home.  Well.  That was quite abrupt.  Thanks for just springing that on us Ryan.  Holy cow....I was not properly prepared to revel in his despair.  And it he quite obviously so stunned that he doesn't know what to say at all....but now you must sing, Puppet, SING!!!  I knew he was going home.  So this is not upsetting.  And his second chance at the song, whatever it was, sounds one hundred million percent better than the first chance.  This is usually the case as well....get the kiddies all worked up, no nerves, just emotion and the song sounds terrific.  Oh well.  Too late for you!!  Babye, Garrett.

 

Now time for the girls.  So Seacrest calls up the Horse Whisperer (Kristy Lee) and of course he's not going to do the same thing to her that he did to Garrett.  She's safe.  It's old what's-her-name that is going home.  That's Amy Davis in case you can't follow along.  Again, no big surprise.  She sings....and it really isn't any better than it was the first time....I guess she's too upset.

 

And now.  Now it's time for the highlight of the show.  It's time...........for Paula's VIDEO!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  Heehee.  In case you missed it during the Superbowl pre-show fiesta, now's your chance to see Paula's new video with Randy Jackson.  "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow."  Ok.  Yeah, she can dance.  It's weird seeing Randy with the guitar...although the fact that he's wearing the exact same outfit he wears for American Idol helps.  It was pretty cool.  I got a little bit of that "you're acting a bit younger than you can get away with" vibe....but overall, pretty cool.  Simon asks her 'so, what color was that?'  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.  He's hysterical.  She says, that represents every color in the universe.  Nice Paula.  Nice way of sounding as sober as possible...

 

Back to the girls and Seacrest brings up Joann and Amanda, better known as Joann and the cool rocker chick.  What the hell!?!  She can't go home this early in the show.  Bad teeny boppers.  BAD!!  You must vote for this girl....and no, I refuse to take any responsibility even though I didn't bother voting.  I blame the BAD teeny boppers.  Seacrest tells us everyone else is safe, which we kind of already figured out.  And then he tells us that Joann is going home.  Huh.  I thought it was kind of early for her to leave too....so I'm one for one with the girls.

 

Back to the boys, one more guy going home.  It's between Jacuzzi and Ellen Degeneres.  <shaking my head>  Are you kidding me?  Lukewarm is safe?  How did that happen?  Ryan recaps their performances, mentions that Simon thought Chikezie's performance could have been filmed 40 years ago....when Simon was 20.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, snap!  And Simon didn't hear him and he goes, what did he say? what did he say? what did he say?  Like a million times to Paula before she could go, it wasn't nice.  Heehee....pay attention Simon or you're going to miss all these stellar insults that Seacrest is dishing out.  Anyway, back to the matter at hand.  Ellen is going home and he is trying desperately to hold it together.  Poor kid.  He really just wants to cry, you can so tell.  Just a few more minutes Ellen, keep your cool.  Randy give him the standard generic pep talk, keep working hard, blah blah blah.  And then they ask the Cowell for his opinion and he goes, no.  You should give it up.  Find a good job and sing for the fun of it.  You'll never make it in this business.  Ouch.  The painful, honest truth.  Everybody is booing him, but seriously....why would you drag out the suffering and misery and the continuous rejection if you could cut it short now and find a new dream.  I thought it was nice, personally.  You have to be blunt with dreamers....if you leave them the tiniest bit of hope, the door to Opportunity cracked open just the slightest bit, they won't listen to another word you say.  You have to slam that door right in their faces.  Good on you Simon.  Leave absolutely no doubt.  Ellen blubbers her way through the song and everybody is crying.  Seacrest says, well that was fun, see you next week.  <smile>

 

So I'm one for one with the boys too....and that so didn't feel like an hour.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Tonight is ladies night.  And pretty much the first thing Seacrest tells us is that everybody is sick….on the verge of death….and it will be a miracle if they can pull this off.  <pause>  So it’s pretty much gonna suck….is that what you’re trying to tell me Ryan?  Oh boy.  The Hubby is rolling his eyes already.  Checking the TV Guide for what channel the Caps are playing on….Here’s Randy, Paula and Simon in yet another grey shirt.  After some back and forth between them, Seacrest asks Simon what’s the name of the universe where you live?  And Paula goes, under her breath but loud enough to hear, the Black Hole.  <chuckle> 

 

First up for the night is Kristy Lee Cook, the Horse Whisperer.  She’s 24 from Oregon.  That’s cool….I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say they’re from Oregon.  Think about….have you?  I didn’t know people actually lived there….She sings Rescue Me, or something.  She’s cute, kind of boring, and she keeps bugging her eyes out while she sings….which is a little disconcerting….Randy says, dude you have some pitch problems.  Paula says, that’s ok, you were sick and you had to go first, so we all understand why you were so awful.  You need to emote.  <very long pause>  Emote?  Really Paula?  Simon says, we didn’t get a lot out of that.  It was robotic.  Wrong song choice.  Ryan gives her an A for effort.  Thanks Seacrest.  Vote 01 for the Horse Whisperer, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Joann Borgella is singing next.  She’s 25 from New Jersey.  Now this girl sounds sick when she sings…I actually do feel a little bad for her.  She’s trying, but those low notes sound awful.  Randy says you sounded unsure.  Paula says you sounded better in the past…thump, thump.  That was the table.  She keeps banging on the table.  It’s really annoying.  She does it during the entire show.  Simon didn’t like it at all….He called it average, cabaret.  I don’t buy the ‘nerves’ excuse.  I think Joann is pretty good….better than this performance….get that girl some Nyquil!!  Vote 02 for Joann, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Alaina Whitaker is singing now, she’s 16 from Oklahoma.  She’s the youngest contestant on the show.  And she likes shoes.  By the way, there are a ridiculous number of tall, thin, blonde hotties on the show.  What is up with that?  It is a good way to keep the Hubby quiet during the two hours though…..I will admit that…..the beginning was a little weird (Love You More Today Than Yesterday)…but it picked up.  She has a nice strong voice.  Randy loved it.  Paula blubbered away about something.  Simon thinks she’s very good, even though he hated the song and thought it was very corny…he says she’s sailing through and that makes her very happy.  <smile>  Vote 03 for the Sooner, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Amanda Overmyer is singing for us now, she’s 23 from Indiana and she is our only rocker chick.  She really stands out in this crowd of Jessica Simpsons and Halle Berrys.  I have no idea what song she is singing….but the guitar player is fantastic.  I like this girl a lot, she’s very cool, very rock.  Randy likes her….trousers.  And he liked the skatting.  Paula says she’s authentic…thump, thump.  Simon likes her, says she stands out, but you need to remind everyone that you can sing.  Ok…I think she agrees with that.  Seacrest says I hope that guy who hit your car is voting for you…and Cool Rocker Chick goes, yeah sorry for turning in front of you dude.  Heehee.  She’s so cool.  Vote 04 for Rocker Chick, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Amy Davis is our next contestant.  She’s 25 from Indiana.  She picks Where the Boys Are…or whatever it’s called.  It’s really slow and really bad and she is obviously sick as a dog….Randy is laughing, which is never a good sign and he goes yo, yo, not great, a lot of pitch problems.  Paula says, in her usual non-helpful way, the camera loves you.  A lot of nerves, a little lackluster.  Simon said you looked great, but you didn’t sound great, cabaret, lasted forever, you’re gonna struggle after that.  Hmmmm….Amy still doesn’t have a nickname.  Which annoys me.  Do something interesting for crying out loud!!!  Vote 05 for what’s-her-name, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Brooke White is singing now.  She is 24 from Arizona.  She’s the good girl, our little Snow White.  The Hubby pointed out, I think to remind me that there was a hockey game on, that the center on the Capitals is Brooks Laich (pronounced Like)…which sounds like Brooke White.  <sigh>  He is such a distraction….So Snow White is singing Happy Together.  Randy said it started off rough, but you pulled it together.  Paula says you have your own thing….which is a nice way of saying nothing at all.  Simon says it was very “you”, too happy.  But according to the Brit, she sounded pretty well.  It just reminded him of an advert for washing up liquid.  Which is apparently what the Brits call dishwashing detergent.  HAHAHAHAHA….it’s like a foreign language….seriously.  Vote 06 for Snow White, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Alexandrea Lushington (wow that’s a mouthful) is singing next.  She’s 17 from Georgia.  This is the girl who brought her great grandmother to the audition, and Seacrest ended up hitting on the grandmother the whole time….you remember?  She’s a little bit gaspy, she’s singing What Goes Up…but you know what, this girl has a ton of fun energy.  She’s great on stage.  I really loved that.  Randy says you blew the doors off that one.  Paula liked the choreography, obviously, and told her she had a dope outfit.  Simon says, I didn’t get it.  It was like an awful musical, the vocals weren’t great.  But just to liven things up, Alexandrea explains to Seacrest how to say her name correctly, which Simon appreciates.  This girl has spunk.  I like her.  Vote 07 for Alexandrea, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Kady Malloy is up next.  She is 18 from Texas.  Kady is yet another of the Blondies on the show this season.  She picked A Groovy Kind of Love….which I kind of remember from the 80’s….but whatever.  It’s an awful choice, I think.  She’s a little off, and a little on.  Randy said it was ok, kind of restrained.  Paula says you look pretty, you have a great personality, just be fun.  Simon called it Night of the Living Dead.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then he says, amazingly I agree with Paula….to which Paula takes great offense, “That’s not what I said!” She replies, and he goes, that’s what you meant.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Seacrest desperately tries to interpret what they are all saying and keep Ms. Malloy from crying.  Vote 08 for the Zombie, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Asia’h Epherson is singing for us now.  <shaking my head>  She is 18 from George, and her daddy just died….you remember this sob story.  She is a sentimental favorite right off the bat.  Another Little Piece of My Heart.  And I just want to cry.  She sounds raspy, like she’s sick too, but also like she did at the first audition and I wonder if that’s just her voice.  But I loved it.  Randy liked it.  Paula said you had some really good moments.  Simon said…………my favorite of the night.  <smile>  He really likes this girl.  Me too.  Vote 09 for Daddy’s Little Girl, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Ramielle Malubay is our next contestant.  She’s 20 from Florida and she’s soooooo leetle!!  A leeeeeeeeeeetle munchkin, our little Julie Chen.  I like her hair, that cut looks better on her than it does on Colton, right?  But she’s singing another slow boring song.  She sounds pretty good though.  Randy says, you know what I loved about that?  It was classy, you sounded like a pro.  Paula called her a force to be reckoned with…..huh?  Simon said it was very old-fashioned, and something else but the friggin digital Comcast keeps skipping and I didn’t hear it….He says you outsing every other person.  Nice.  Seacrest asks her what the best part of all this is, and she says – hair and make-up.  And the shoes.  You go girl!!  The shoes are adorable, which Seacrest says too(hahahahaha).  Vote 10 for mini-Julie, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Syesha Mercado is singing next.  She’s 21 from Florida too and she’s singing Tobacco Road.  I’m not so sure about the song….it was very………loud.  But this girl is absolutely adorable.  I don’t think she has anything to worry about.  Randy said, overall, I liked it.  Paula called it joyful, big, fun, way to go.  Simon says, it wasn’t your best.  But you are probably one of the most talented girls, terrific.  You’re the whole package.  And the Paula brings up the Sa-YES-ha thing again, thump, thump.  Somebody just smack her in the head.  Vote 11 for Simon’s Pick, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

And in the last and coveted Producer’s Choice spot is Carly Smithson.  She’s 24 and she says she’s from California.  Ok.  She talks about her record label signing non-controversy during the pre-song blurb.  She’s singing Shadow of Your Smile, or whatever it’s called.  She definitely has the strongest voice, but she sounds off today….a  little pitchy.  And it’s a weird tempo to the song.  But again…what do I know.  Randy says, that’s what the show is all about.  Paula says you are the lucky coin in the pocket.  ??????????????  What planet is she from…..seriously.  Simon says, with so much hype surrounding you, I expected better.  There it is.  The truth!!  I didn’t get it, very cabaret.  I don’t care if you’re on your deathbed (and she did make sure everyone knew she was very ill), it was a let down…..but you’re definitely safe.  I agree.  Irish Carly’s not going anywhere.  And I think Simon just laid down the gauntlet.  Vote 12 for Irish Carly, but don’t vote until the show’s over you morons!!!

 

Randy thinks the girls were hotter than the guys….I assume he means their singing talent….right?  How does Paula handle the nerves of being on stage?  Apparently she doesn’t…..or I just didn’t understand her.  Again Seacrest thanks Randy, thanks Paula, thanks Ricky and the band and thanks us.  Good night everybody.

 

My picks for the biggest losers of the week….<sigh>….this one is a little tougher maybe.  I guess I’ll pick what’s-her-name and the Zombie.  We’ll find out tonight.  Can’t wait.

 

Later gators,

Heather

So it’s the first time we get to vote.  And this will go on forever now.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  I love having the powa!!!  The boys get to sing first, we are whittling them down from 12 to 6.  I think this may be tougher than previous seasons, just because I think they are some pretty talented boys this year but we’ll see.  Some people usually fall totally apart during this part of the show.  Here’s Seacrest in some ridiculous-looking Johnny Cash outfit.  And he’s talking about standing on a platform that will launch the kiddies into a career….whatever…..here’s Randy with his scary-big Flava flav watch on, here’s Paula looking like she just rolled out of bed, and here’s Simon in one of his three thousand gray v-neck sweaters that so wonderfully shows off his gross chest hair.  Randy tells the boys to keep it real.  Great.  Thanks.  That’s wonderful advice.  Paula says she’s happy we only got two ‘dawgs’ and three ‘mans’ out of Randy.  HAHAHAHA….funny Paula!  Glad that writer’s strike is over, huh?  Seacrest tells Simon to say something motivating and our lovable Brit is like….well, it’s way too late for that!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s hysterical.  I love him, chest hair and all <shudder>.

 

So we’re already having genre theme weeks….which is a little annoying…..why don’t they wait for that stuff?  Just let the kids pick whatever they want to sing…..right?  And to make things even worse, this week is 60’s week.  Are you kidding me?  These kids have no idea what good music from the 60’s is!!!  And oh by the way, you can download all the performances now from iTunes.  Awesome.  I’ll be sure to do that. 

 

First up for the whole season is Oz (aka David Hernandez, see the picture I added of the Oz guy).  Oz is from Arizona and he’s 24.  He had a single mom.  Times were tough.  Now he reminds me of the Karate Kid.  He’s singing Midnight Hour, which is a pretty good song.  Very gospel-y.  He’s got a nice voice, I like him.  No oogy looks into the camera, very comfortable.  The ending sounds all wrong….Randy says yo, yo…you can blow.  <sigh>  Whatever that means.  Paula says, really cool.  Simon says the beginning was terrific, in the middle you looked like a rabbit in the headlights (HAHA), and the ending fell apart.  Yeah, that’s pretty much right.  Vote 01 for Oz, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Next is Chikezie Ezie.  He’s 22 from California and he’s got this totally gross red suit on.  He’s singing More Today Than Yesterday.  I didn’t like it.  At all.  He sounded off to me.  Randy goes, eeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiioooooooooooo.  Paula/Trainwreck tells him how good he looks.  Which is of course soooooooo helpful.  Simon says, I absolutely hated the whole thing.  It looked like something that could have been filmed 30 or 40 years ago.  Never mind that the song is even older than that (remember the theme here, Simon) but more importantly, then he calls him Jacuzzi.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s hi-larious.  I think Chikezie just got a new nickname.  One that the stupid spell checker won’t freak out about….Vote 02 for Jacuzzi, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Third tonight is David Cook, but before we get to him, Seacrest is talking to Colton in the holding cell and this kid goes, I think I look like Ellen Degeneres.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I hope he really is that funny….You can really tell the stylists have been at the boys, some of them look totally different.  They washed that loud red dye out of David’s hair probably as soon as they saw him.  He’s singing Me and You, or Happy Together….which probably isn’t the name of that song….but whatever.  The Hubby goes….hey….he doesn’t suck.  Thanks, hon.  Thanks for that gem of insight.  He’s a squinty ooky grin that I don’t really like….but that’s ok.  He sounds pretty good and then the Hubby adds, at least he’s not off key.  <smile>  My own private Simon.  Randy loved it.  Paula is just talking about Simon saying wordy/worthy or some other unintelligible British word during Captain Cook’s audition.  <sigh>  Useless, as usual.  Simon tried really hard to say something negative….but it never really sounded that bad.  I’m just not totally sure he liked it….Vote 03 for Captain Cook, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Jason Yeager…who I mistook for Jason Castro in one of the previous posts….is singing now.  He’s 28 from Texas.  His kid looks kind of old to belong to a 28 year-old….right?  The White Stripe reminds me of John Henson on Talk Soup…if you ever watched that show when he was the host you’ll know what I mean.  See the pic I added for all you doubters.  He’s singing Moon River and it’s soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring.  The Hubby is giving me his standard ‘please let me fast forward through this torture’ stare and so we flip over to the basketball game for a bit.  We did end up watching the whole painful performance though.  Because I’m committed like that.  You know, this song really needs a unique voice to make it interesting….like Sinatra or Crosby or Martin….and he just doesn’t have one.  He devoted it to Grandma….which was a brilliant move.  Everybody was kind of blah about it.  Simon thought it sounded very cruise ship.  But then he calls him a very dependable sheep dog….and Randy goes, I’m not kidding, “I love dogs!”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Vote 04 for Sheep Dog, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Next is Robbie Carrico, aka Axl Rose.  Seriously, he’s gonna wear that bandana/ski cap on his head the whole season.  That’s fine.  He looks like a rocker.  Except for that chest hair <shudder>, cool pocket chain….I know you’re not surprised….you already know my type.  He’s singing One.  I like it, it wasn’t overdone.  Randy liked it too, he said you move me.  <giggle>  Paula, as is usually the case, commented on what he was wearing and then called him authentic.  She is really getting irritating with her comments….they are just never really relevant to the particular person who is singing….they are kind of scattered all over the place and ridiculously generic.  Simon said it was a current performance, and it made sense but then he questioned Axl’s authenticity.  I don’t know if this is really you.  What?  Come on Simon….give me a break….Vote 05 for Axl, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

David Archuleta is singing now.  He’s 17 from Utah.  And he is our Mickey Mouse Club.  He is soooooooooooooooooooo young.  Look out tweeners….this guy’s for you!!  He’s got some serious range.  He sang something I didn’t recognize, sorry.  Shop Around?  I don’t know.  Those dimples are adorable….and he’s really into it.  Even the Hubby was impressed.  Randy goes, how old are you?  Which is the first of, I’m guessing, three thousand times he will ask that question during this season.  He loved it.  Paula called it a brave choice….see what I mean…..<shaking my head> totally useless.  Simon says, by a comfortable mile, the best performance of the night.  I agree. He said when you got it, you got it.  And Mickey Mouse starts chuckling like the biggest dork and you are reminded in no uncertain terms that yes, he is only 17.  Stop hyperventilating!!  Vote 06 for Mickey Mouse Club, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

We’re half-way through it now….and right on time the Hubby looks at me with the panic in his eyes and says TWO HOURS?!?!?  Yes, my dear.  Two hours.  Danny Noriega is singing next.  He is E Entertainment.  <smile>  Do you guys know who I’m talking about – Cojo, the syle/fashion critic?  Remember him?  This kid has swagger and attitude and he’s fun.  He’s singing Jailhouse Rock and I am immediately skeptical about picking an Elvis song…..but he sort of pulled it off.  Not bad.  Randy says, you know how to have a good time, loved the performance, kind of hot.  Paula starts talking about all the colors and then calls the performance warm and then she calls it scalding.  Simon doesn’t understand Paula at all, join the club.  He said the performance was verging on grotesque.  Heeheeheehee…..grotesque!  He says you were destroying an Elvis Presley song.  So Paula starts talking over him…you know because real criticism makes her nervous……and E Entertainment gives Simon a little lip, well some people weren’t likin’ it.  <snap, snap>  Nice.  Hang in there kid, people like you.  Vote 07 for E Entertainment, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Luke Menard is singing now and I swear to God, I have never seen this guy before in my life.  Was he even in the Elevator Show?  He reminds me of a Luke Perry….but he’s sooooooooooooooooooo boring.  He’s 29 from Indiana.  Is he wearing the same jacket he had on in his audition?  I don’t remember the song, I just remember that it was awful.  I don’t even think he was with the beat.  Maybe our sacrificial lamb….but he is kind of cute…..Randy thought it was very pitchy, very sharp.  Paula agrees…..in a nice noncommittal way.  Simon goes, what color was that?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  He called it forgettable, shushes Paula, and they play the music over him.  Seacrest tries desperately to make Lukewarm more interesting in the post-debacle interview, to no avail.  This guy is probably going home.  Vote 08 for Lukewarm, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Colton Berry is singing for us next, remember he’s the one that compared himself to Ellen Degeneres.  <smile>  He sort of reminds me of a smurf…..don’t ask.  He’s 18 from Virginia.  And I hate that haircut that doesn’t really look like a haircut….I know that’s me being old and out of date….but whatever.  Comb your hair, you hippy.  The pants are grossly tight, he’s too smily, but I bet the girls are gonna love him.  Randy, did you love that song?  He says, pretty good.  Paula says it was nice to see a different side of you.  Whatever that means.  Simon said it was better than the other Elvis song, but you didn’t represent (which just sounded weird coming out of his mouth), you weren’t special, unique or current.  Paula is spluttering about something to make Ellen feel better about herself….and then Simon goes, spend more time on you voice and less on your hair.  HAHAHAHAHAHA And then Seacrest goes, pointing at Simon’s extremely no-maintenance buzz cut, that’s what we call hopeless.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  The rapport these guys have now really does make this show tolerable when it normally wouldn’t be.  Vote 09 for Ellen, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Garrett Haley is up next and everybody thinks he looks like Leif Garrett.  Ok.  That hair is unbelievable.  Totally unbelievable.  He’s 17 from Ohio.  He sounds kind of boring, but he sounds like he doesn’t think he’s boring…..which is gonna be interesting.  He sings Breakin’ Up Is Hard to Do.  Is that a mustache?  Do 12 year-olds have mustaches?  Half way through the song, the Hubby turns and looks at me with an extremely evil grin on his face and goes – hehehe, Sanjaya…….<frowny>  Uh oh.  Randy says, to all of the contestants, you need to make these songs your own.  And then he tells Garrett that he was boring.  No kidding.  Paula says its ok to change it up, meaning you should have changed it up.  Simon says it was boring, verging on haunted, you looked terrified, get some fresh air.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Everybody gets on his case for saying that, and good for Ghostly Garrett to ask if he should go tanning.  That’s showing some spunk Casper!  Vote 10 for Casper, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Jason Castro is our next contestant.  Here’s another one I don’t remember at all from the auditions.  He’s 20 from Texas.  The Hubby goes, I thought he resigned.  <chuckle>  He’s hysterical.  Castro decided to play the guitar, to change it up….he reminds me of John Travolta for some reason.  I like him though, he’s singing Daydream or whatever it’s called.  I think it sounded really good.  Randy liked it, he said it was ‘awight’.  Paula says, you blew me away, joyful, blah blah blah.  Simon says it was one of the top two performances of the night, effortless, current, good charisma.  Seacrest tells Tony Manero that he looks shocked.  And he kind of stutters through some kind of reply, maybe doing his Paula Abdul impression.  He seems pretty nervous though.  Vote 11 for Vinnie Barbarino, don’t vote until the end of the show.

 

Last to sing, in the coveted Producers Choice slot, is Michael Johns our lovable Aussie.  He’s 29 and he says he’s from Georgia….but come on.  He’s singing the Doors, Light My Fire.  Uh oh….it doesn’t sound too good to me.  I think Thunder may be in trouble.  But what do I know….the judges are clearly hearing something totally different.  Randy says it was an excellent way to end the show.  Paula said pretty much the same thing.  Simon liked his charisma.  Nice scarf, Michael Hutchence.  And wow, he is waaaaaaaaaay taller than Seacrest, isn’t he?  Vote 12 for the Thunder from Down Under, but don’t vote until the end of the show!!

 

Ryan asks for a recap and Randy says that was blazin’ hot.  Seacrest then says thank you Randy, thank you Paula, thank you Ricky Miner and the band.  He looks back to the camera and says, but most importantly, thank you to all of you.  Good night.  Fade to black on a shot of Simon laughing at the very blatant omission…..I’m telling ya….they get along great.  Best of friends.

 

So my votes for the biggest losers of the week go to Lukewarm without a doubt and probably Casper…but factoring in the teeny bopper vote, it will probably be Sheep Dog.  Tomorrow the girls sing….

 

Later gators,

Heather

Hello kiddies,

I know, I know....this episode was on like a million years ago.  As soon as someone wants to start paying me to write these things so I can quit my illustrious job as a glamorous government auditor....then these little reviews will get out on time.  Until then, you're just going to have to put up with me.  I've had a terrible weekend, must be my bad karma for not writing sooner.  I managed to get probably....oh fourth or fifth degree burns on my arm while trying to take a pizza out of the oven.  You may be asking yourself, Self, what the hell is a fourth or fifth degree burn?  Well, I'll tell you.  Not bad enough to blister, but bad enough to hurt.  All the time.  Then last night, for no apparent reason, the Pumpkin decided that she needed a late night snack and that my arm looked especially appealling.  So as I innocently and ignorantly turn over in my sleep she attacks like a ferocious lion, sinks her razor sharp teeth into the tricep muscles (HAHAHAHA) of my left arm and then streaks out of the room quite obviously aware of the mistake she has just made.  Skywalker suggested that I startled her, or that she may have been trying to eat my hair....which is kind of stringy but come on......all of which sound like good quality logical explanations.  But at the time, and even now for that matter, I am even more convinced that the Pumpkin is trying to get rid of me in true hitman fashion.  Perhaps she thinks without me in the way, she'll be able to eat as much as she likes and grow to the size of a small horse.  Regardless, my left arm - burned and bitten, does not feel really well.  However, pecking away at the keyboard with one hand is really not an option....so I will suffer through this....I hope you appreciate it.

 

So now that I have made you feel guilty enough for reading this you sadistic fiends, let's get down to it.  We're at Team Malarkey (Favorites) after the very surprising fire-extinguishment of Fairplay.  Everybody is relieved that he wasn't trying to scam them, except for Jonathan who wanted Fairplay to be a part of his plan.  Now back at Team Airheads and let's see how the fans are getting along.  Not too well apparently.  In sharp contrast to team Malarkey, the fans still do not have shelter, or water, or fire, or anything really.  So the boys try to start a fire.  Try and fail.  Repeatedly.  I realize this probably isn't as easy as it looks, but if you were a real fan....wouldn't you know how to start a fire with flint?  Or your glasses, a la Ninja Monk (Yau Man).  Now people start complaining, cause they're hungry and tired and a bunch of whiners.  Crazy Lady is still not making any friends by complaining about not having a shelter, the boys yell at her, she and Tracy decide to clear out a cave to live in but Jason (nude model, gymnastics coach) tells them to bugger off, this is his cave.  And Crazy Lady acts even more crazy by crying about nasty Jason's comments, instead of yelling at him to stop acting like a three year old.  Apparently, she is being reminded of her traumatic high school experience with these events and can't handle confrontations.  Oh dear....So, Boob the Builder (Tracy), Weird Science (Chet) and Crazy Lady (Kathy) decide to build their own shelter.  Which ends up looking awesome and whaddya know....now everybody likes them again.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  So high school.  Hey nerd, I'll let you sit near me if I can cheat off your homework.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

 

So back at Camp Malarkey, the Favorites are feasting thanks to Ozzy/Captain Ahab pulling every kind of edible fish imaginable out of the sea with his bare hands.  Ozzy admits that he has a crush on Blurry Butt Amanda, thanks for the newsflash Oz.  But he does seem to have his head about him when he admits that he doesn't want people to know because that would put a target on his back.  Ok, ok....thinking with the right head, that's good.  Cutey Pie and Havarti are not being nearly so discreet....but whatever.....Beautiful People get away with everything don't they?  Back with the Airheads, and someone has managed to create fire.  Excellent.  Now they have water, and some kind of sea monster clam shell thing to eat and now magically, everybody is happy.  Imagine that.  Now Mikey B and Mary Bolton (like the singer) are flirting with each other.  What is up with a tattoo of a ticket stub on your back, you moron.  A ticket stub?  <shaking my head>  I wanted to slap that guy right in the head.  So Firefighter Joel is immediately suspicious of the flirting....because he is exceedingly paranoid.  How long have they been there...like three minutes?  And already Joel is seeing conspiracies everywhere he turns.  I don't think that's a great sign for him....but what do I know. 

 

Back at Camp Malarkey and its nighttime and people are trying to sleep....but they can't.....because Captain Ahab and Blurry Butt can't keep their hands off each other.  What, huh?  What happened to all that very sensible talk about not letting anybody know they had the hots for each other?  What happened to that?  Maybe they forgot about the night vision, or that there were 7 other people in the cave with them....or maybe they're just stupider than they sound.  Cirie calls it jungle love.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....yeah, I guess that is quite literally what it is.....

 

So in this week's immunity/reward challenge (why are they combined now?) the winners get fishing gear, immunity, to pick someone from the other team to go to exile island.  The losers get..........NOTHING.  BRUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  <ahem>  So anyway, the challenge involves swimming out to a platform, breaking a plate, finding a key, unlocking a chest and putting a puzzle together.  The Airheads pick Crazy Lady to sit out....because nobody likes her.  And things get underway.  Captain Ahab does not disappoint in his lightening fast swimming speed and Malarkey is ahead right off the bat.  The win is pretty much cinched though when Weird Science (Chet) reveals that he apparently can't swim.  <shaking my head>  Wouldn't you work on your swimming skills....along with your fire-making skills....if you were a fan?  I mean, wouldn't that be on the top of the list of things to know how to do.....So after Malarkey wins, they pick Crazy Lady to go to exile.  I guess they figured if she found immunity, they could keep the other team's clearly weakest link around for a while.  But wait, there's a twist.  Someone from Malarkey must go to exile also.  Oh ho ho ho...really?  That's very interesting.  Cirie volunteers, you know because she has not been affected by the jungle love syndrome going around....and apparently no one else on that team really cares about immunity because they're all like, yeah ok.  You go. 

 

Exile island is actually pretty hysterical this season.  They find these clues which send them all over God's green earth to find....not the idol....but the next of what must be an endless line of clues.....and they're not on Exile island....they're on other beaches and other islands....and poor Cirie and Crazy Lady are swimming for miles......with no luck.

 

So back with the Airheads and discussions abound concerning the Vote.  Everyone seems to think it should be Weird Science because of his dismal performance in the challenge....but just to make things interesting, remember Crazy Lady has at least one and potentially two immunity idols, Mikey B decides to direct everyone on how to vote in case she gives her idol to someone else or finds a second one.  The Airheads are clearly confused and Mikey seems to be taking that dreaded, avoid-at-all-costs leader role without even realizing it.  Firefighter Joel is practically jumping out his skin at the chance to knock Mikey down a notch.  And become the leader himself.  So Firefighter Joel tells everyone what Mikey is up to and then tells them they should vote Mary Bolton (like the singer) out because that would send him a clear message.  Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And all the little lemmings, clearly intimidated by the Firefighter, agree to do his bidding.  So the Unpopular crowd now get in on the plan to vote out Mary....and poor Weird Science starts talking his pageant girls....pageant girls.  Heeheee...and Mary remains clueless.

 

So now we're at Tribal Council.  Jeffy poo reminds Crazy Lady that she can use her idol tonight and tonight only.  Then he starts in on Weird Science.  What the hell was wrong with you?  I wasn't tired, says Weird Science, and Jeffy poo is like, you're giving yourself waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much credit.  Everyone was screaming at you to get out of the water.  And Weird Science responds with - it was what it was.  Which is what, exactly?  <sigh>  So then the Airheads talk about their two tents and the Popular Ones and the Unpopular Ones.  Jeffy poo is amazed that it took so little time to divide their team up like that.  Especially when they're supposed to be fans of the show and should realize that they need to work together as much as possible to beat the Favorites....but whatever....and then Mary, like she has never seen this show before in her life, utters those famous damning words - I feel pretty secure.  You idiot.  Secure about what?  Your macho man Mikey?  HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA....sucker!!!!  Time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted off will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  And it's two for Weird Science, two for Boob the Builder (Tracy) and the rest for Mary.  Oh Mary, ya never saw that coming, didja?  And Firefighter Joel....because he knew he had them all in his back pocket.....didn't even vote for Mary.  He voted for Tracy.  Un.  Be.  Lievable.  I still think he's too paranoid and too much of a power glutton to go very far in this game....but we'll see.  So far, the Fans aren't filling me with a lot of confidence as to their staying power.  I think we might end up having an all Favs finale. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

Tonight is the Elevator Show and the hubby is relieved to hear that it is only an hour long.  Thank goodness, the Terps are playing tonight and we’ll have to switch back and forth so this might sound a little disjointed.

 

The Elevator Show has a very simply concept and is really just an excuse to draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag out the show a little longer than is really necessary to make it entertaining.  We’re opening with Hayden Christiansen promoting his new movie – Jumper, with Seacrest and it’s really cheesy and now I’m even less likely to see it….ever.  But.  Hayden is Darth Vader.  And so despite the ridiculous looking sport jacket Seacrest has on, he is getting to talk to Darth Vader…..so it could be worse.  Well it does get worse, when Ryan makes this all seem so life and death.  Let’s put this into perspective please.  They got to be on TV, they’re at least top 50 in the nation, and hell, some of them apparently already have record deals…..yes, I read the other blogs, try not to freak out.

 

So each Idoler gets their name called, gets into the voyeur elevator, goes up one floor, walks the looooooooooong walk to the one chair sitting in front of the judges like some kind of nightmare oral exam and then has to wait while Paula sputters and plutters out some nonsense and then finally equipped with their life-altering answer gets back into the voyeur elevator, trying desperately to hold themselves together until Seacrest armed with his relentless tide of cliches gets right into their faces as soon as they step off the elevator and is like, soooooo?  Yeah….same old same old.  So let’s get to it already, the Terps are already losing.

 

Most of these people I have never seen before in my life and have now mysteriously shown up on the Elevator Show like they’ve actually been auditioning or something…which I find hard to believe….I mean why wouldn’t Fox show us everybody?  I mean….if they already know who’s going to win?  Right?  <wink>

 

I’m pretty sure I don’t know any of the first line of NO’s – Ronald Hedge, Nina Shaw, Mycale, and Lisa.  Dreams crushed, and sent packing.

 

Now it’s Irish Carly, who apparently doesn’t need this show to make a record.  She starts crying when Paula won’t shut up about whatever nonsense she is saying.  Simon tries to butt in and say, get to it already you silly twit.  But Paula thinks she is being dramatic and building anticipation when it’s really just excruciating for everyone….mainly because its so obvious to us and so not obvious to her, that she definitely made it.  When Paula finally does eek it out, our girl is thrilled.  Raise a pint to that one lassie. 

 

David Cook gets through and I have a feeling I will always refer to this guy by his full name because it reminds me of Dane Cook.  He has the weird hair but I don’t think he’s very talented.

 

Our cool rocker chick gets through.  That’s awesome.

 

Brandon, Amanda and Buck are all a no.  And I don’t really care, either because I don’t know who they are or because I didn’t think they were that great.  I know somebody I like will probably be going home…..so I’ll wait and complain then.  And the Terps are still losing, but closing the gap.

 

David Archuleto is through.  He’s Mickey Mouse Club.  Sorry but that’s his name.  I got nothing else.  He’s a really good singer.  But too young for me to care about.  All the teeny boppers and tweeners are gonna love him though.  At least he’s not another Sanjaya…..let’s hope.

 

Kristy Lee Cook gets through.  I think this is the blonde one that likes horses or something, I could be wrong.  We’ll have to wait on a nickname for her because she hasn’t done anything very interesting yet.

 

Snow White is crying already.  This is a very stressful day people.  Poor Snow White.  Is she too much of a goody two shoes for this competition?  Nope.  She’s through.  Goody Two Shoes, from the fairy tale about the orphan who goes through her life with one shoe and then gets a whole pair and announces to everyone that she has two shoes.  I think Snow White will end up being just as annoyingly and sickeningly sweet.

 

Danny Noriega made it, of course.  He’s E Entertainment.

 

Some guy names Jason Castro made it….never seen him before.  He’s got the white stripe, alopecia hair.  Who knows if he’s good or not….so thanks for making me care Fox.

 

Alexandrea made it.  No idea.

 

Tiny Ramielle made it.  She looks like a miniature version of the Big Brother host Julie Chen.  So I’m gonna call her mini-Julie.  Now say that real fast.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Probably not totally politically correct to call a little person mini…..but who cares.  I’m mini too.

 

 Here’s some other names that I don’t remember either because they never showed us these people or they didn’t make that much of an impression on me – Alaina Whitaker, Amy Jean Davis, Garrett Haley (who looks like he should be on Survivor, not this show), Jason Yeager (dreads on a white guy is just skuzzy looking), Kady Malloy (I do remember her, just nothing about her), and Luke Menard.

 

Some people I do know that made it through in this, the most talented season ever – Asia (which is actually spelled with an ‘h at the end) who’s gonna be Daddy’s Little Girl.  Chikezie Ezie….who really doesn’t need a nickname.  His is just too cool for school.  David Hernandez, aka that guy from Oz, gets through even though it was a no vote from Simon who felt compelled to tell Oz that.  Michael Johns, aka Thunder from Down Under, got a unanimous yes.  And Syesha, who lost her voice and then got it back again, had to sit through Paula saying her name included the word yes – Sa YES ha.  It’s like beating my head into a brick wall listening to that woman sometimes.  Robbie, aka Axl Rose, got through as well. 

 

So, we’re down to the end.  First up is Homeless Josiah…and I am so convinced that after all the time and effort they put in to producing this kid’s story that he’s going through….I am stunned to hear it’s a no.  Randy and Paula immediately try to make him feel better.  You can tell Simon doesn’t really care.  Poor Josiah, crying his way back to the car.  Back on the road.  But he sucks up as much TV time as he can doing that....

 

So it’s two guys and two girls left and this is always the worst.  <evil wringing of my hands>  What did these kids do to have to deal with the extra special plight of being gracious in the literal face of defeat?  Two guys first – Colton and Kyle.  Paula starts her normal blathering on and Simon goes, just tell them.  It’s Colton not Kyle and Simon immediately starts explaining that this was not his decision.  He believes Kyle has something very unique that a lot of people would have loved….and he may be right…..but we don’t need another Sanjaya.  He says, you were not the best singer, but you made yourself different and I thought that was enough.  No offense Colton.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  No offense?  Come on Simon.  I know you don’t mean to be rude….but that just kind of happens anyway.  He says I whole-heartedly disagree with this decision.  Why Colton, it sounds like you’re behind the eight ball already.  So let’s call you that.  8-Ball.

 

The last two girls are Cardin and Joann.  Joann is the plus sized model who sang at the Gaaaaaaaaden.  Cardin is the model/musician.  After Paula makes everyone start to cry (she really is much more evil than anyone gives her credit for), we find out that its Joann, not Cardin.  And they walk out together hand in hand….and Cardin is exceedingly gracious and Simon makes a comment as they’re getting back into the elevator – makes you regret your decision.

 

Humph.

 

No regrets now!!  We’re down to the top 12 girls and the top 12 guys.  And they all do this retarded dance in front of the camera at the end to remind us how nice it must be being them.  Now the fun really begins.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Hello kiddies.  Sorry for the delay in getting this out, but you know....I do have a job.  That pays me more than this blog does.  Soooooooooooooo....thanks for being so patient <said incredibly sarcastically>.  So this weeks our Idol wannabes are in Hollywood for Hell Week.  This is primo mockery material people, but before I get into that, I have a few other issues I need to discuss.

 

First of all, what was up with the ice capade commute home on Tuesday?  I know I bitch and moan about the remarkably stupid way people drive a lot of the time, but seriously.  Ice means you slow down.  Don’t stomp on the gas and expect to slide all the way home in a nice neat straight line.  You morons.  I got on 270 North and all six lanes of traffic are stopped.  I saw three fire trucks, two ambulances and eight cop cars drive by, sirens blazing.  Now even I, in my fervor to get home, can sit and wait for an emergency response to some life-threatening car accident.  But that is not the case with incredibly irritating Tommy Tailgater behind me.  He’s in some POS 1982 cadillac all dented up with duct taped windows.  He already looks like he’s been in a demolition derby….so I am fairly convinced he believes that the sole use of a bumper is to bump anyone not going at his desired rate of speed.  Sorry for driving so close in front of you, jack ass.  Driving in bad weather, as long as it’s not lightening, does not overly concern me.  What concerns me is getting my car smashed up.  Other people concern me.  As is usually the case.  So I did manage to get home unscathed, even though I drove the last 3 miles with one hand on the wheel and the other saluting Mr. Tailgater.  Here are some rules for driving on sheets of ice for those of you may need a little reminder –

 

1. Slamming on your brakes is never a good idea.
2. Four wheel-drive won’t help you. 
3. Stay away from me.
4. If you start to slide, take you f**king foot off the gas.
5. Bridges freeze faster than roads.  This is a prime example of when understanding the language that all the traffic signs are printed in is of particular use to you. 
6. Continue paying attention to where your weapon of mass destruction (i.e., your car/SUV/ridiculously large truck) is heading even when tempted to distraction by the bright shining lights of police vehicles.  I think they're pretty too.
7. Stay away from me.
8. If you’re too scared to even try driving in these conditions, please, do us all a favor and stay home.  You’re not technically driving if you’re inching the car along at two miles an hour.

 

Ahhhh, thank you for letting me vent my hatred for my fellow commuters.  Now, let’s get down to business.  Like I said, the kids are in Hollywood and this is apparently some kind of historic occasion, because Seacrest must have said ‘historic’ about five thousand times.  There are 164 hopefuls here, but the auditions are gonna be brutal.  They have thankfully decided to bypass the stupid group singing, which I never understood since the kids never sing in another group…..ever.  Instead, everybody sings the first day with the band.  If you’re good, you get a free pass to round three.  If you’re not good, you have to come back for round two when they actually make some cuts.  Hmmmm…doesn’t sound too bad to me.  The kids also get to play instruments this time around if they feel like it, which is kind of cool, I mean if you can actually play an instrument that would be cool.  Me?  I play the piano.  Sort of.  But my piano playing skills are much better than my singing skills.  Apparently only 50 kids are going to get through Hell Week, which is not entirely accurate, since only 24 go to the next round.  But going from 50 to 24 is entirely at the discretion of the judges (I know, it all is but try to follow along here) and doesn't appear to be based on singing any more….or its based on more than just singing…..even though this is a singing competition.

 

Snow White is singing first (you remember Brooke, never seen an R-rated movie….yeah, that one) and she is playing the piano.  And I thought it was really pretty.  Simon really likes her.  Everybody says yes, she’s through to the final round.

 

Lorena Pinot, she’s wearing this cute little plaid skirt.  I wonder what the age limit is on those short little plaid skirts.  At some point, they do start to look totally inappropriate.  And no, boys, you’re not allowed to answer this one.  Anyway, Simon says it sounds like your drunk mum getting up to sing and embarrassing everyone…..ouch!  <evil grin>  So she has to sing again tomorrow.

 

Everything was moving kind of fast during this two hour festival of the frailty of teenage emotions….so I may have missed a few here and there, but don’t worry, I got all the important stuff. 

 

Leo Marlowe sang and Simon said wow, you went from memorable to forgettable during that song.  <chuckle> So he has to sing again tomorrow too.  Simon said you have the stage presence of a flea.  ?????  I really don’t get that.  Is that some kind of British saying…..do fleas have stage presence?  Why would a flea be on a stage?  I love ya Simon, but ridiculous analogies make me crazy.

 

Alisha Dixon sings and Simon says you sounded like an angry girl in her bedroom.  Hmmmmm….how would he know what that sounds like?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  I agree though.  It wasn’t very good, which I assume is what he meant by that.  Singing again for her life….which is how our super melodramatic Seacrest put it.  And what is up with him standing in the back of the auditorium making golf course commentary in that stupid soap opera voice?  Do some more arm wrestling Seacrest….you were less annoying then.

 

Now, here’s a montage of all the kids who chose to play instruments, who really shouldn’t have tried.  Jake Simon is a good example.  He decided to play the drums.  <pause>  Why, I have no idea.  Why would you play the drums?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  Randy is chuckling over at his end of the table.  Yeah, the other judges are there….sorry I haven’t mentioned them before now.  But you know me…..Paula says in her usual noncommittal way, it wasn’t my favorite.  Which is Paula’s way of saying, moly holy that was bad.  Simon just says, horrible horrible.  Which, although it may sound cruel, leaves no room for doubt or misinterpretation. 

 

Next up is David Hernandez.  I liked this kid before.  He’s a very good singer.  He looks exactly like this actor – Kirk Acevedo.  Look him up on imdb.  I’m not kidding.  The actor guy has been in just about everything – Oz, NYPD Blue, Law & Order, Cold Case….etc. etc.  Just like him.  It’s uncanny.  So anyway, David is amazing.  He’s very comfortable on stage, sings well with the band, looks like he belongs there.  Paula is whooping and bopping along with the audience.  Any time you get the audience going, that’s a good sign.  Randy says he liked it from note one.  Paula said………….<sigh> oh whatever.  And Simon said you were very comfortable with that, which is a good sign.  He gets his free pass to round three.

 

Our Cool Rocker Chick is singing next.  And how about this for drama – L7 was in a very bad car accident and has 12 staples in her head.  She had a picture of what is left of her car….unbelievable.  I guess she was so matter of fact about it because she’s a nurse….but that would have been a life-altering event to anyone else.  She did say she was much more appreciative of the here and now.  But something tells me this chick always was….She picks The Doors, Light My Fire.  Great song….and I think a good choice for her.  She sounds totally kick ass.  Randy says he loved it.  Paula says, I adore you.  Simon says you need to change your sound up, otherwise it will become monotonous.  I don’t know if he’s right or not….some singers have a ‘sound’ and it doesn’t matter what they sing…they’re popular because of that sound.  Like the nutter Amy Winehouse.  Very unique sound.  Most likely because she’s totally insane.  But not our cool rocker chick, she’s through to round three.

 

Simon gave out his standard warning at the beginning of the auditions – whatever you do, please remember the lyrics.  So here’s all the choke artists forgetting and making all the judges crazy and mumbling through parts of their songs thinking nobody is gonna notice that.  Ok.  It must be nice living in your world….maybe I’ll visit some day.

 

Golum is singing now.  You remember Kissy Kiss A Lot from Venezuela.  He sounded good during rehearsal, but not on stage.  Wow.  He sounded really really bad on stage.  The guitar didn’t help at all.  Paula said she wasn’t impressed.  Awwwwwwwwww, Paula you evil woman.  You broke his heart!!

 

Now it’s Homeless Josiah.  You remember, my ode to Jack Keroac.  <smile>  He’s still crying, saying he’s made every mistake a man can make in the last year.  I highly doubt that…..but I’m sure it feels that way.  I liked his performance.  He has an attitude, not necessarily a good one or a bad one….but he has one and that’s a start.  Everybody liked it too.  Simon said, out of ‘em all, this is the one I’ll remember.  High praise from our lovable Brit, but I think he’s right. 

 

Then we got Danny Noriega who I’m not kidding, strikes me as someone who should be commenting on Oscar fashion for the E! Network.  He’s a great singer though.

 

Then we heard Ramielle from Florida.  And after her came Irish Carly.  Showing off her tattoos and her blue tongue.  She was great.

 

Then the Thunder from Down Under.  HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Michael Johns is the aussie, remember?  He sings Light My Fire too, and even though I thought cool rocker chick did better, it was still pretty good.  And he is so cute!!

 

David Cook is singing now.  Playing the guitar and singing Bryan Adams – Everything I do.  I like that song.  He has a blue tongue too, what is going on here!!  Simon is making faces, so I have no idea if he likes it or not.  Randy did though.  Paula said it was soothing….whatever that means.  A white noise machine is soothing too, but it’s not gonna win any singing competitions.  Honestly, I didn’t think he was good enough.  Certainly not another Chris Daughtry.  But he does have funky hair…..so that should get him far…..

 

Robbie who looks like Axl Rose (sorry for the 80’s references kiddies, I’m sure most of you are too young to understand them) with that bandana on his head.  He gets through to round three.

 

And everybody is singing Bryan Adams – Everything I Do.  I’m kind of getting sick of it….can’t imagine how the judges feel…..Colton gets through too but no one else.

 

Kyle is last to audition on Day One.  Kyle is the geeky politician guy, campaigning to be American Idol.  You remember how annoying he was, don’t you?  You also remember how much Simon liked him?  <smile>  So he sings and its very High School Musical to me.  Paula called it corny.  Simon called it abysmal.  And then when they try to get Paula to actually say yes or no….and she rambles on forever about nothing….Simon has finally had it and says, this is ridiculous.  I’m leaving.  Doesn’t he storm out of every season, at least once?  Such a drama queen.  And poor Kyle is just standing there….and has absolutely no idea what’s going on…..

 

So it’s Second Chance Tuesday or whatever day it is.  Round Two and 116 are back to try again.  They are singing Acapulco.  <smile>  I’m just kidding….I know that’s not the word…..but have you ever tried to spell check a word you had no idea how to spell in the first place?  Ridiculous.  A cappella.   You may want to write that one down kiddies.  So they have to get up in these lines of like seven or eight of them, step forward, sing, pass the mic to the left.  And then, very Chorus Line, they get a yes or no on the spot.  And they’re either out for good and going home, or they’re here for Round Three. 

 

First up for the day are Suzanne Toon (love that name) and Perry, the single parents.  You remember them and their sob stories, I’m sure.  But the judges only picked two out of their group, and it wasn’t either of them.  So they’re out, no more Miss Toon.  Heeheeheeheeheehee.

 

That annoying Abstinence girl is practicing with her voice coach before the audition.  Oh man, she is annoying.  But this is a good idea for all failed contestants.  Just become a singing coach, never mind that you couldn’t make it on the show….plenty of chances for everyone to make some money off of this….but get this, she doesn’t make it.  Even with her coach.  Wow, the judges have done a great job picking stories for this season.  All the people we know are going home.

 

So far 40 people have auditioned, and the judges have picked only four.  Wow.  You remember Angela, sob story #18, wanted a better life for her daughter.  Her dad died recently too.  But she’s going home too.  Jeffrey got through, I think he was one of the twins from earlier.  So anyway, they made 100 cuts in one day.  Seacrest starts saying historic…..

 

Last Day of auditions, round three, everybody has one last chance to impress the judges.  David Archuleto is singing first.  This is the 16-year old kid that is so good.  Everyone loves him, he seems very humble.  But kind of Mickey Mouse Club….they may just be because of his age.  Randy is impressed, calls him da bomb.  Paula calls him a gem.  Simon says you’re young, likeable, good looking and you have a good voice.  Wow.  Don’t get him too pumped up there Simon.

 

Kyle is singing again – You Raise Me Up.  He reminds me of Patrick Dempsey in You Can’t Buy Me Love….you remember that movie?  Except this kid is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay dorkier.  I just don’t like him.  Simon does though.  First he apologizes for walking out on his last audition and then told him this was a good audition.  Thumbs up for Kyle and he’s one of 50.

 

Jeffrey sings A Whole New World and its very off key.

 

Joey Catalano, whoever the hell this is, has a migraine but he sings anyway.  It sounds very boy band.  I don’t like it and nobody else did either.

 

Syesha sings now.  She’s been losing her voice during the whole audition process, and she had to sing on day two and they let her through pretty much only because of her previous auditions.  So today she gets up there and sings her little heart out.  I mean really lets loose.  This girl is totally adorable.  Randy says great.  Paula says it was the performance of a lifetime (a bit over the top, when is she not) and Simon says, quite plainly, you did it.  <smile>

 

The Thunder from Down Under sings now, Bohemian Rhapsody….uh….I don’t think this is a very good idea, but he makes it sound pretty good.  Randy says, dawg, still a fan.  Simon says best audition of the day.  Nice.

 

Irish Carly is singing now.  I like her, but she’s screaming a bit.  Simon says good song choice, sorry I can’t remember what is was….Randy says yes, Paula says yes and Simon says yes.

 

Asia, this is the one who lost her dad before her first audition.  Simon says best audition by a mile, you’re terrific.  Nice, I like her too.

 

Brooke the Beauty Queen.  Randy says no and Simon says yes and Paula is being wishy washy and so Brooke decide to re-sing the part of the song she thinks she messed up which apparently makes Paula’s decision easier.  She says no and poor Brooky is completely devastated, having never been told no before in her entire life.  Apparently.  <evil grin>

 

And now it’s As the Josiah Turns soap opera.  Pull it together kid.  His practice with the band went terribly.  He’s unprepared and has had very little sleep.  So when he gets up on stage, he says thanks but no thanks to the band.  That’s interesting.  All the judges are a little taken aback by this….and then he sings his own version of Stand By Me.  Which is awful.  But he clearly thinks its amazing.  Randy pulls him right back down to Earth and says, I just didn’t get it.  Paula said it didn’t work, sometimes we take risks and they don’t work.  Simon says he’s gonna chalk that one up to overconfidence.  He says it was a teensy weensy annoying.  Teensy weensy.  I’m not kidding.  He actually said that.  Now he’s crying.  Randy says yes.  Paula says yes.  Simon says yes, I assume based totally on the kid’s story and past auditions.  I think this kid is a bit unstable….mentally…..I’m not sure he’s gonna last a whole season. 

 

So that’s it for Hell Week.  <shiver shiver>  All in all, I thought it was pretty tame after hearing all the hype.  Of course, I would never in a million years subject myself to that kind of stress or abuse….but then I’m not an immortal 18 year old either. 

 

Seacrest calls it the most talented season yet.  After last season, they had better get some talent back on this show.  Tomorrow is the ridiculous Elevator Show when the whittle the top 50 down to the top 24 finalists.  Tomorrow is also Nickname day.  Stay tuned.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Ok kids, it’s that time of year again.  Time for another season of the second best show on ever – Survivor.  I’m a huge fan, in case you didn’t know.  The Hubby and I have been watching this show since the beginning….not sure why it is so mesmerizing.  Probably that rubber-necking/car crash mentality of watching people freak out and crumble and starve and go a little Lord of the Flies when they’re forced to “survive”.  If you’ve never seen this show before, or if you’ve never read this blog before – be warned.  I give everybody nicknames, if the tribe names are dumb I make up new ones.  I’m terrible with names….so it’s basically an easy way for me to remember who I’m talking about…..but it might be confusing if you’re not used to it.

 

This time round, we’re in Micronesia.  For those of you who don’t know….and that may be more of you than care to admit it, Micronesia is a collection of islands (like the Philippines) in the western Pacific.  Ok, you’re looking a map and from top to bottom you have China, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, and Australia.  Got it?  Micronesia is just to the right of Papua New Guinea.  So anyway, the twist this season is that it’s fans versus favorites.  I am skeptical about the favorites part because their definition of favorite and my definition are not usually the same….but we’ll see. 

 

So the Fans are being rowed in to the island and Jeffy poo is talking about how they are all Fans, adventure of a lifetime, blah blah blah.  I think the Fans angle is a good idea.  At least these people will sort of have a clue what’s going on….but that hasn’t always meant that they are automatically good at this game.  Plenty of people have claimed to be fans in the past and then on the first day taken over the pushy-“leader”-sacrificial lamb role.  And anybody who’s ever watched this show should know you keep your mouth shut on the first day and don’t piss anybody off because someone is bound to and if it’s not you, you’re good.  Any fan should know that….but actually putting a game plan into action is sometimes different than coming up with the game plan.  You know what I mean?

 

So the fans all make it to the island.  Let’s get introduced…some of them may not have nicknames yet because they didn’t speak or are thusfar too boring for me to take the time and energy to come up with something creative….but apparently, one of our Fans also makes up nicknames.  Huh.  I like him already.  Mikey B gives us a few nicknames which bodes well for him I think.  He’s an aspiring actor/write, so let’s interpret that to mean unemployed.  Other than coming up with a few nicknames, we didn’t get much from him…so I’ll hold off on his nickname.

 

Alexis is a motivational speaker................m'kay.  Chet is in customer service or pharmacy work or something like that.  Chet was the name of the big brother in the movie Weird Science.  So let’s call him that.  Erik runs track and rock climbs, he goes to Eastern Michigan, and they have him listed as an Ice Cream Scooper which is just about the dumbest sounding job I have ever heard of.  He looks like Shaun White (snowboarder called the Flying Tomato because of his ridiculous stunts and flaming red hair) even though Erik is not a redhead.  I can’t get over Ice Cream Scooper though, so let’s call him that.  Jason is a gymnastics coach.  And it says in his bio that he worked as a nude model for some college art department.  Ok.  I don’t think he said more than two words the whole episode, so we’ll have to wait for his nickname.  Joel is a firefighter (NICE!!) and he is huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge.  Mikey B calls him the Hulk, which is a pretty good nickname, so we’ll call him that until I come up with something better.  Kathleen is from Wisconsin and is the beer girl on some golf course.  That sounds like a fun job.  We’ll get to this soon, but Kathleen can’t keep her mouth shut.  Kind of like Kathy Griffith but in a completely unentertaining way.  The other contestants call her Crazy Lady.  Heehee.  That sounds good, let’s go with that.  I don’t think she’s gonna be around for very long.  Mary owns a real estate company, so you know she could use the money.  She’s pretty, but other than that…I got nothing.  Natalie is a personal trainer/bartender.  Her last name is Bolton.  You know.  Like the singer.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Tracy is a ‘residential builder’….I’m not sure if that means she owns a company or she actually pounds nails in to the side of a house….but the Hubby helpfully pointed out that she has huge fake boobs.  Kind of like Pay Per View from last season.  We’ll wait on her too, I’m not sure if I’m gonna like her or not. 

 

Now for the Favorites.  You should all remember these people.  I’ll give you their old nicknames, if they had any.  First up is Topless Amanda from China.  Later in the season she became Blurry Butt Amanda.  Let’s go with Blurry Butt, that’s still the funniest.  I like Amanda, I thought she was pretty good strategy wise.  We’ll see.  Next up is Ami from Vanuatu.  I wasn’t writing a blog then, so I’ll tell you what I remember about Ami.  Nothing.  Except I think she’s a lesbian….not sure if that’s right.  Then we have Cirie from Panama.  Cirie was pretty good if I remember correctly.  I think she was one of those fly-under-the-radar people.  Eliza was on the Vanuatu season and I definitely remember her being a good player, getting scary thin and being really annoying.  Last up is Parvati from Cook Islands.  I never know how to really pronounce her name, because everyone says it differently, including Jeffy poo.  So I suggest we call her Havarti.  Like the cheese.  She is by far and away the Hubby’s favorite I think.  As for the boys – first and foremost is James the grave digger, otherwise known as Cutey Pie because he absolutely gorgeous.  He is by far and away my favorite….just for the drool factor.  He did make one of the dumbest plays in Survivor history by not using one of two immunity idols he had and as a result got voted off.  But hey.  Did I mention, he’s gorgeous.  Jonathan from Cook Islands is memorable because he was the one who mutinied.  He was pretty good.  He a New Yorker.  He’s a writer/producer for Tv and film so you know he has nothing better to do right now.  Yau-man is there, he was on the Fiji season.  He’s a bit gullible but for being 112 years old he lasted a long time during that season.  The website says he’s 55 or 56 depending on which one you go to.  Don’t believe it for a second people.  This guy is like one of those ninja monks who live in the Himalayas….you know what I mean...ageless.  Ozzie is there, and I thought he was one of the best survivors ever even though he lost to Yul.  Not for strategy but for literally surviving.  He’s from the Cook Islands season.  He can swim like a fish and climb trees and generally do anything.  He’s awesome.  Except he cut his hair, I liked it better when it was longer.  He’s adorable too by the way.  Last and pretty much least is Jonny Fairplay from the Pearl Islands season.  The hated villain.  Hated because he is a masterful liar.  You may remember the infamous dead grandmother story.  But he also a whining little weasel.  You may remember the Danny Bonaduce “altercation” during the Reality TV awards.  I’ve never liked this guy….which probably means he’s a great TV personality.  Whether you love ‘em or hate ‘em….as long you care, they’ll always be popular. 

 

So that’s our cast.  The Fans get to the beach.  Jeffy poo introduces the Favorites.  And then starts sniping at Jonny Fairplay about his wardrobe and giving us all the distinct impression that rumors of their mutual hatred are more than accurate.  Now, as if on cue, the torrential downpour starts.  And if I’ve never mentioned it, a rain-drenched Jeffy poo is pretty easy on the eyes….So here are the team names – Airai and Malakal.  What?  What the hell does that mean?  I think I’ll call them Airheads and Malarkey.  I can remember that much easier.  So the first task is swim/walking through the waist deep ocean cove to the other beach where there are boats with maps and an individual immunity idol for each team.  This idol is only good for the first tribal council that each team goes to….huh….that’s new.  So off they go.  Ozzie and the Scooper lead the way.  Fairplay sees the Idol milliseconds before Yau-man, but our little ninja monk body slams Fairplay and gets the idol.  I’m sure there’s gonna be a felony assault investigation opened in this case as well….Crazy Lady gets the other idol when Yau points it out to her.  Now everyone is off to their respective beaches.  So we start off with the Airheads.

 

Introductions all around.  Mikey B tells us about Big Bird, the Hulk, the Southern Princess and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  Hahahaha.  Crazy Lady then immediately starts sticking her foot in her mouth by asking Weird Science (Chet) if he would rather be called gay or homosexual.  <long pause>  What kind of question is that?  If you’re not going to introduce your friends by saying, hey this is my straight heterosexual friend Courtney,  then why would it matter?  Then…she asks him if being gay means he wants to be a girl.  <even longer pause>  What’s wrong with this woman?  Seriously.  Being curious and saying you don’t want to offend someone is nice and all…..but extreme ignorance is always a bit offensive…..it just is….Then Crazy Lady starts talking about Tracy’s fake boobs.  She’s never seen breast implants up close, and she’s literally staring at them.  The Hubby says, I gotta try that line.  HAHAHA.  He’s hysterical….Crazy Lady is obviously the odd man out, so to speak.  There’s always one person that just doesn’t fit in.  One weirdo.  But she’s got the immunity idol….which is probably why they had that twist this year, to give the weirdos a chance. 

 

Back at Malarkey, and Cutey Pie is already hard at work showing off that beautiful body of his.  He says its nice having everyone on the team work hard.  Ozzie already has fish or something.  Everybody is eating and the shelter is practically built.  So Havarti and Cutey Pie already have their eyes on each other.  How adorable.  Did I mention I hate her?  No, I’m just kidding, good on her for having taste.  I’m not sure if that’s gonna be a powerhouse strategy team though….they need to align themselves with some Thinkers.  Speaking of power couples, Blurry Butt is talking up Ozzie right now….hmmmm….Ozzie is a close second to Cutey Pie, no question.  So everybody is hooking up.  Meanwhile….Eliza is sitting there in the dark thinking all these alliances can’t be good for me….

 

The first alliance officially formed without locking lips is Yau, Eliza, Ami and Jonathan.  Eliza points out that the Beautiful People have already apparently formed an alliance and so…who is left but Jonny Fairplay.  Um…..what about Cirie?  I’d rather have her than Fairplay, she’s much easier to manipulate.  And when did five out of ten become a majority?  So Fairplay is playing both sides right off the bat, with both alliances using him as the swing vote and nobody talking about Cirie.  Ridiculous.  Day 3 and Malarkey has fire, food and shelter.  Meanwhile, the Airheads have practically nothing.  Time for the immunity challenge.  Treemail mentions the shows has been on for 16 seasons….good Lord….has it really?  That’s about right though…there are two a year.  So it’s an obstacle course, they have to put puzzle wheels together, put the wheels on the cart, push the cart through obstacles, find the buried planks to make the rest of a bridge, get the cart over the bridge and take apart the wheels and put the puzzle pieces in some other contraption which starts a fire…you know how it goes. 

 

So the Airheads get off to an immediate head start.  Malarkey, for some reason can’t get their puzzle wheels together.  The Airheads are way in front, when Malarkey finally gets their cart moving and then almost immediately they slam their cart into a tree or something…and Eliza goes flying.  OUCH!!  That really looked like it hurt.  But Eliza just toughs it out.  For no good reason, the Aireheads win.  Which I think is great for the show….you wouldn’t want the Favorites to just roll over the Fans….even with all their apparent advantages.  So now it’s a real competition.

 

Back at camp and Malarkey is talking about how much it sucks to lose.  And then they start talking about who to vote off.  Yau has immunity.  The Beautiful People want to vote off Eliza.  The Leftovers want to vote out Havarti because they think she can control James….ok.  And then Fairplay says something very perplexing – he wants to go home.  Huh?  I don’t get it, what’s the play?  What's he getting at?  Who’s he trying to manipulate?  It seems kind of early to be throwing this stuff out there….unless he’s trying to prove to these people that he’s here to win.  But to put their backs up so early.  Someone is about to get screwed….and some of those people are going to be on the jury…..<shaking my head>…..I just don’t get it. 

 

Now we’re off to tribal council.  Hellooooooooo Jeffy poo.  Jeffy immediately asks his normal psychology couch questions – how is everybody?  And Fairplay keeps up with the “worried about his girlfriend” sob story.  I still don’t get it.  Jeffy wants to know if he’s quitting and Fairplay says no, they’re still going to vote and Jeffy says, yeah we’re going to vote.  As if to say, don’t tell me how to play this game you moron.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Everybody seems confused and skeptical about Fairplay’s sentiments.  Jonathan obviously thinks he wants to go home.  Cutey Pie obviously doesn’t.  We’ll see. 

 

Its’ time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  And I can’t really make this dramatic, because all of the votes were for Fairplay.  The first one voted out.  Unbelievable.  Either it was a scam that went horribly horribly wrong or the boy who cried wolf….finally really did see that wolf.  He’s going to be a papa and that always makes guys crazy….so maybe….just maybe…..he’s changing.  Time will tell.

 

The Hubby as is his routine, fast forwarded to the end and deleted the whole thing before I got to see the previews for next week….but I’ll be watching.  I think this is gonna be a pretty good season.  As long as the Fans don’t turn out to be total duds.

 

Later gators,

Heather

So it finally happened.  I came home last night to see the fish floating in that not-quite-alive way floating fish sometimes have about them.  I did feel a little sad about it.  I mean....how many fish am I ever going to have that eat the gravel off the bottom of the tank AND thawed out frozen peas.  I asked the Hubby to "bury" him....because flushing dead fish is on the list of official man chores....and he was like, well finally, I think we should get another cat before we get another fish.  <long confused pause>  WHAT did you just say?!?!?!?  Another cat?!!?!?!  This is very exciting to me kiddies.  The Hubby claims to not like cats, but I think the Pumpkin may have converted him with her endless adorable behavior.  So I am on a quest for a new addition to the Family.  The Hubby also very clearly stated that two cats was the most he could handle....because if we have more than that....then we would be weird.  <smile>  THEN we would be weird.  Ok.

 

So tonight on the best show ever is the best of the worst and everybody else they didn't get a chance to show us yet.  Which is probably too long of a title for Seacrest to spit out before going This.  Is.  American.  Idol.  He did talk about Hollywood, I mean Hell week, which is coming up next week.  Hell Week is the most exciting because you get to see the real drama, lots of tears, lots of fights, between the contestants and the judges.  It's great.  And it looks like the kids will be allowed to play some instruments if they want to, which is a nice little twist.  Hey....why not!

 

So let's get down to it.  First up is Barfolemew and he decides to sing Limp Bizkit's cover of Faith....which is just a ridiculous song to audition with because there's more melodic screaming in it than anything else.  Simon thinks his t-shirt is too big.  Bye bye Barf.  Thanks for the memories.

 

Next up is Victor Villegas, aka Mr. Tumnus.  He sings like a goat....or a fawn to keep the analogy going here.  It's a ridiculously nasal voice and he practically bleats out whatever song he is attempting to sing.  Simon and Randy mock him and then he goes away.

 

Amy is up next.  Here's another one that comes from nothing....such a weird saying....coming from nothing.  Sounds like magic.  Anyway, she describes herself as lower than lower middle class.  She says she wants to succeed so she can take care of her family.  Motivation like that is hard to suppress.  But can she sing?  She picks Blue Bayou...which is a pretty song to start with.  Simon likes her....either her voice or her cleavage (which the Hubby so nicely pointed out).  Everybody thinks her voice has a lot of possibility.....whatever that means.  She promises to work hard...which I actually believe.  She's through to Hollywood.

 

Next up is Tiffany, aka the Gift.  Tiffany believes her voice is a gift from God.  Oh dear.  I can already tell from her vocal warm-up that she can't sing.  This is gonna be an eye-opener, huh Tiffany?  She is very loud and very off key.  Simon is not trying to be rude or anything...<smile>....buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, he asks if God has a returns policy because that Gift is no good.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Poor Tiffany is devastated.  If singing makes you happy, sweetheart, just keep doing it.  Just don't do it on TV.  That's good advice for a lot of things we do in Life....

 

Next up is some weird Twin melodrama....boy twins are dating the same girl.  Not at the same time.  She went out with one....and now she's going out with the other one.  Ashley is very blonde.  And the twins are identical.  So....I wouldn't be surprised if she was still going out with the same one and just didn't know it.  They all have ridiculous southern accents.  And I can't really get over how weird and creepy this all feels.  I have a twin.  We never "shared" boyfriends.  Besides the fact that Skywalker has a really odd taste in men....that would just be skeevy.....the Hubby assures me that no man in his right mind would ever fantastize about going out with twins.....for some reason though....I don't believe him.  The southern boy toys "sing" some stupid rap song.  It's awful.  Twin One gets stuck and forgets the words or something and keeps saying the same thing over and over.  Twin Two doens't even sing...he just does the beatbox background nonsense.  So it's a no.  Ashley is singing next....and she has brought her absolutely adorable pomeranian puppy with her, named Panda.  It's a little fluff ball.  How cute!!  Simon grabs the dog and says I'm gonna keep him....and I'm sure you all saw this in the promos....Ashley goes, if ew poot me threw to Hallywooooood ew can have whatever ew waunt.  Which got Simon to raise his eyebrows as if to say, you little minx.  After she sings some awful terrible song, Simon goes, can I be honest with you?  It was excruciating.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Even Panda was trying to escape the room.  HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And the Boy Toys are outside the room, saying yeah, she's terrible.  We knew it all along.  But we told her she was good so she would try out.  Listen.  First of all....boys are mean.  Second of all....if someone needs to tell you you're good....then you're probably not.  Simon says he would put Panda through to Hollywood before Ashley.  <chuckle>  Awwww...get out of here you creepy kids.

 

Cardin Lee something or other is up next.  Let's call her Red.  Either because of her hair...which I think was red....or because of her outfit which was definitely red.  She's a waitress from Nashville and she sings One Night Only.  Simon calls it theatrical.  Paula says she has a mature voice, whatever that means.  Randy and Paula decide with the one brain they share between them to send her to Hollywood, even though Simon says no.

 

Joanne is singing next.  She's a plus-size model.  She's 25 from New Joisey.  She sang the National Anthem at Madison Square Garden....so Randy thinks she must be able to sing.  Well...I certainly hope so.  She picked Celine Dion (shaking my head) 'I Love You' to audition with.  She certainly doesn't need a mic, she probably didn't even need one in the Garden.  I thought it was ok....her voice probably sounds better in a stadium....or a big auditorium, like Hell Week.  Simon says no.  Pandy say yes.  And Joanne says, thank you awl!  Love that Jersey accent!!

 

Singing next for us is Alicia.  The Blonde.  She has one of those Anna Nicole Smith voices...I'm trying to think of a good reference for you....and I kind of remember some reality show contestant that reminds me of her....but I can't quite place it.  She decides to sing Surrender by Celine Dion, because that's not hard or anything, and she sounds like she sucked down four hundred helium balloons before auditioning.  Simon says, in this order, dreadful, painful, couldn't recognize the song.  Randy says you should have sang a Dolly Parton song.  Maybe it was Paula who said that....I'm starting to get them mixed up.  So they send Blondie off to learn a Dolly song.  <shaking my head>  I don't know why they do this to some contestants....just prolonging the inevitable.  And poor Alicia doesn't know any Dolly songs, neither does her mother who is just as Blonde as Alicia.  Seacrest knows more songs than they do....so she learns Islands in the Stream.  Just goes and learns it....watching some youtube video.  <sigh>  Ok.  Now it's time to make a fool out of yourself again, blondie.  Except.  Hold on.  She sounds a hundred million percent better....what is going on here!?!?  Pandy say yes, and Simon says, this is your audition now, I have no comment.  And so Blondie is through to Dollywood.  And then when she leaves....Simon goes....I hate to admit it....but she DID sound a lot better.  And they all crack up.  It actually was pretty funny.

 

Next up is Brandi and The Cape....kind of a like a giant matador....Simon thought the audition was icky....me too.

 

Pottymouth Charlie is singing for us now.  He says f**k a lot.  And Simon goes, did he just say f**k?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  When Charlie is done f**king singing, Simon goes, when they start putting this show on at three in the morning, we'll put you through.  <chuckle>

 

Next up is Joshua, aka Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man.  He thinks he is every woman's dream guy.  Oh boy.  Where do boys get these delusions....he's singing an original song called Beautiful Lady.  He has glitter...which does not distract us enough to miss how terribly he is singing.  Simon calls it horribly over the top, revolting and corny.  So in other words, he didn't like it.  Randy says, ladies like the glitter dawg.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Whatever.  Paula says I appreciate you trying....but no.  Once the guy leaves, Simon screams for Seacrest to come in and sweep up the glitter.  And then Seacrest goes to the sweeper girl, well I wouldn't want to tell you how to do your job or something like that.  And Simon goes, how patronizing.  And then he asks, are the cameras still on?  Yes.  So he gets up to sweep the glitter so sweeper girl doesn't have to do, and he apologizes for Ryan being so patronizing....except he doesn't know how to use the broom and now Paula is heckling him.  This is getting waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of control, but it was hysterical.  Then they tell Simon the cameras are off, and he hands the broom right back over the sweeper girl.  <smile>  Nice. 

 

Now here's a montage about our lovable Brit during the audition process.  He loses his temper.  He loses his patience.  He doesn't know where he is.  He can't get anybody's name right.  That was really funny.  I mean he absolutely butchered some of those names....butchered.

 

Next up is Chikezie Ezie.  That's just about the coolest name I have ever heard.  He sings Luther Vandros - All the Woman I Need.  I think Simon likes it.  Paula is mesmerized.  This is Chikezie's second time around auditioning...apparently the judges were 'feelin' him last time.  So, Simon thinks he is interesting, but not his voice.  But he walks out with a ticket, so I am assuming Pandy said yes.  Undoubtedly.

 

We usually don't watch commercials...but the Hubby must have been out of the room.  So I did get to see Randy's PSA about diabetes or heart disease or whatever it was....very serious stuff people.  Take care of yourself!!

 

Danny Noriega is singing now.  He's the last contestant we're seeing tonight.  This is his second time auditioning too.  His nerves apparently got the best of him last time.  Second Chance Danny sings Proud Mary.  Which is kind of weird....or he makes it weird, I don't know.  He's a little effeminate....but he's got a good voice, so this may have been a good choice.  Simon likes it, Pandy loved it.  And he's going to Hollywood.

 

The audition is now officially over.  They've been to seven cities, seen over 100,000 contestants.  Recap recap recap.  And now here's a preview of Hell Week.  <evil wringing of my hands>  I looooooooooooooove Hell Week.  Everybody breaks down and acts stupidly melodramatic.  It's fantastic.  164 wannabes will be trying out next week.  Oh the drama.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

Hello kiddies.  It's that time of the week again.  The Hubby informed me about thirty seconds ago, that as soon as this show comes on, all he does is wait for it to be over.  I thought that was nice of him to share, so I wanted to pass it along to you.  The Pumpkin apparently shares this sentiment; I only assume because of the way she stares creepily at me from her perch on the back of the sofa.  Do not fret, loyal readers.  I shall not be dissuaded from my quest.  A few other tangential thoughts before I get into the show.  The Fish, who I have not named just assuming I would kill him, seems to be on his last legs.  He is not eating.  And he is not blooping out air bubbles like he used to.  He has lived quite a bit longer than any of my other fish though.....and as ridiculous as this may sound, I will miss him.  The Pumpkin has been licking her chops at the Tweety fish for several weeks now....when she found the balls to hop up on the fish tank shelf, I do not know.  The Hubby tells the poor thing to just, die already! every time he walks by it.  Perhaps some thawed out frozen peas will bring him back from the brink....but I think we should all prepare ourselves for the inevitable course of things.  On a happier note, what is up with the weather?!?!?!  It's 60 degrees outside!  In February!  Because I'm a glass half empty kind of gal, I am fairly certain this pleasant lull in the winter onslaught is only preceding some kind of cataclysmic weather/geological event....like California mudsliding into the ocean.  That'd teach those striking writers....

 

Let's get to it, shall we.  This week we are back in the South.  Atlanta to be exact, with over 12,000 eagerly and pathetically hopeful losers.  But what's this?  Seacrest's parents?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....how cute!!  His parents look so normal.  According to Imdb, Seacrest is only 33 years old.  For some reason...I thought he was older.  Probably just assuming he wasn't like...a contemporary of mine....<shaking my head>....sucha  dork....

 

http://www.ryanseacrest.com

 

First up is Josh Jones, aka The Lost Duke Brother from Hazzard.  He works with glass....which is one of those miscellaneous tidbits you hear about people on game shows that just waste time and makes you realize how uninteresting most people are....But here's what makes Josh interesting - he's got the crazy eyes.  <chuckle>  Moly holy.  A little bit Charles Manson there Josh.  Simon can't stand it, so he tells Josh to stop and try again....but poor Josh can't help it.  Simon says, Stop.  Turn around.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  They make him audition with his back to them....this is ridiculous....and Josh has no butt.  You know what I'm talking.  Some guys have no butts, or flat butts.  They are butt-less.  Butt-less Josh is singing....and I am so distracted by all the shenanigans, I can't really tell you if he's any good or not.  Paula likes him, or feels too sorry for him to say no....and Randy/Paula's guitarist of course agrees.  Simon says no, you're too freaky.  But it doesn't matter, Butt-less Josh has his ticket.

 

JP is up next and apparently the only that makes him interesting is that he stood two people in front of Carrie Underwood during her auditions.  <sigh>  That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of.....you loser.  JP thinks he has star quality in his pink shirt.  Nerdy McNerd-a-lot.  He sounds like a coked up auctioneer.  And then it gets worse.  Simon says, what the hell was that?  Randy says, you're awful.  And then JP breaks the news that he is a music/singing major in school.  What huh?!?!?!?  What are they teaching you, dude?  Randy thinks that is ridiculous, and I do too dawg.  Simon says no, Randy says no, and Paula says....nothing really.

 

And now here's a montage showing us how nice Paula is....how she can't say no or be mean to anyone.  Gotta make sure people buy that album, right Paula?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

 

Next up is Asia, I think that's her name.  She is very cute.  And her little bit of miscellaneous information is that her dad died.  <long pause>  Like a few days ago.  <long pause>  And she says this to the camera with this weird sort of smile on her face....like she's still in shock.  Apparently the last conversation she had with daddy was about this audition....so it kind of makes sense that she is here.  Kind of.  But oh dear Jesus, this is like the sob story of all sob stories....please let her be good.  Please.  She sounds amazing, even though her voice is a little scratchy.  You know....like she's been crying for about 72 hours straight.  The judges are stunned by her audition, considering the news she just told them.  Simon is obviously impressed by how strong she had to be to pull that off....Randy gives it his hundred million percent yes....Paula is crying all over the place.  And Asia is trying not to cry....and I'd say she got some sympathy votes....but honestly.....she was pretty good.  Simon says, I like you and that was hard and you sounded good.  She's going to Hollywood, her friends are all crying and now she can cry and Paula can't stop crying and the boys don't know what to do....

 

Next up is Beauty Pageant Brooke.  From South Florida.  She thinks Simon is a teddy bear and she wants to prove him wrong about his beauty pageant stereotype.  If she would just....stop.....talking.  She sings Who's Loving You.  And she can sing....surprisingly and unfortunately.  She is really obnoxious.  Sugar sweet people usually are because you know it's all an act and that they secretly want to hack you up into little tiny bits and drive around with your bits in their trunk....because People just aren't that nice.  Ever.  And People who hold it in....are definitely going to snap....eventually.  So Simon reluctantly says yes, and of course the lemmings agree.  He says after she finally leaves the room that she was perhaps the most annoying person ever.  I agree.  Most annoying ever.

 

Now some more of the bad.  The song of the day is Glamour...or something like that.  I'm not really listening to these because the Hubby is complaining and talking over everything.  Seacrest has a nice looking vintage Izod shirt on....probably not vintage....probably considered retro now.  <shaking my head>  Stop trying so hard Ryan.

 

Next up is Eva Miller.  She is super confident.  She's one of those people who think they get attention because they're charismatic....but it's really because they're the one making the most noise.  I don't know who gave her that ego....but it's not a good idea.  She's awful.  I mean awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwful.  She's dancing around like a weirdo (or Paula) and she ends up falling on the floor like a clown.  And Simon stops her and asks is this a joke.  And she's like, but I didn't mean to fall.  Like he's talking about that....when he's really talking about the singing.  And he finally says, but you can't sing.  And now Eva is crying....and begging....and being generally pathetic.  HAHAHAHAHA, loser.  But she did get a hug out of Simon....which is probably the only real reason she came to audition in the first place.

 

Next up is Alexandra...and the miscellaneous fact about her that makes her so interesting....has nothing to do with her.  Apparently the only interesting thing about Alexandra is her 93 year old grandmother who Seacrest gloms onto because he thinks that will make him look cool.  She sings Funny Valentine.  Alexandra, not her grandmother.  And she sings for about 5 seconds, it takes the judges three seconds to say yes, and the Fam celebrates for about ten minutes....and Alex's granny says don't make me cry, they're taking a picture.  <smile>  Just like my grandmother would...and yours.....

 

More of the bad.  And I mean really bad.

 

Next up is Nathan the Ninth Grade Repeater.  Repeating ninth grade?  Really?  First of all....why would you introduce yourself that way, like you're proud of it.  Second of all....it's ninth grade!  There's nothing difficult about ninth grade except making sure you don't get lost in the sea of high school underclassmen.  He's 16....and I am sure you all had this guy in your high school class.  He's kind of a skeezy rocker dude, with the hair dyed black....kind of punk, kind of goth.....thinks being sullen is going to make him look sexy and mysterious....thinks being a smart ass is going to make him look witty.  You all knew a guy like that.  And how'd he turn out at your reunions?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Well, Nathan did not disappoint.  He tried to sing some rock song...and he was terrible and Simon says shut up and let me talk to you and then he tries to tell off Simon in that not very cool way that not very cool people have about them.  It was sad.  And if it didn't reek of high school and bring back a flood of uncomfortable awkard memories, I would have enjoyed it more....

 

Now Amanda is completely different.  She's a rocker/biker chick.  She's a nurse by day and a motorcycle chick by night.  Dad #2 could tell you what kind of motorcycle she was riding.  Anyway, she's got that laid back, c'est la vie attitude that most bikers have....and I think that bodes well.  She picks Janis Joplin though...and I am immediately questioning my first impressions.  Why Janis Joplin?!?  Was she really that good of a singer?  Or was she more of a personality?  Like Bob Dylan....can you imagine him trying to audition for Simon?  So anyway, she sings....and she sounds an awful lot like Janis....but Simon can't stand the impersonation, so he says, sing something else.  She sounds cool.  Cool Rocker Chick.  Paula says she's the female Daughtry....why?  Was he good or something?  Mmmmhmmmm.  Everybody says yes and cool rocker chick is going to Hollywood.

 

So it's the end of the day.  The judges are happy and passing out lots of tickets.  Time for the next sob story of the night - Josiah the Homeless.  He's 18 and he's been living in his CAR for about a year.  <long pause> Because he thinks it's cool....and he likes having the freedom to do what he wants and go where he wants....and apparently his family has no control over him.  Very Jack Kerouac.  And then he starts crying.  And instead of being annoyed at how pathetic that was....I am struck by the blatantly obvious fact that poor Josiah was so desperately trying to hide from us all.  He's a kid.  Just a kid.  And he's so lonely.  He sings his own song - To Run.  Ironically appropriate.  But here's the tidbit of miscellaneous info that really does make Josiah interesting - when he sings he has a British accent.  That's so weird.  Most Brits have an American accent when they sing.  But this is just the opposite, which of course makes Simon giddy right off the bat.  They make him sing something else, and he does it again.  Weird.  Paula likes him, Randy says yes and Simon goes - it's three yeses.  Josiah falls to his knees.....and we are reminded, even from my own cynical slant on TV cheese, that for some people - this really is the chance of a lifetime.  Get on the road Josiah, that car still has a long way to go.

 

Tomorrow night is the best of the worst.  My favorite.

Later gators,

Heather

 

"They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn..."  - Jack Kerouac 'On the Road'