Hello American Idol Faithful,

I guess we already know how this going to end.  Seacrest says two very important questions will be answered – who’s going home, and how will Sanjaya wear his hair?  Ryan has his own faux-hawk.  This is pathetic.  And ridiculous.  The judges look sick to their stomachs.  And by the by, we already played that joke on the judges.  Seacrest is surprisingly coordinated tonight.  Snappy tie and suit.  We get our mini-recap of last night….which I thought was pretty good overall.

The weird Ford commercial was some crazy Western thing.  I’m guessing that actialy wasn’t one of the kiddies on that horse.  Mustangs…get it?  Get it?  So we’re back and Seacrest says he’s asking the three people with the lowest number of votes to come to the center of the stage.  So, Beatbox is safe.  Oprah is safe.  Moby is in the bottom three…………..WHAT?!?!?!?............he was one of the best last night?  Doolittle is safe.  Timberlake is safe.  What?  Bollywood is safe……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….no comment.  Ringling Brothers is in the bottom three too.  The whole world has gone mad.  River is safe.  So it’s Tattoo Girl or Christina.  I hate Seacrest.  We’re going to commercial.

The trivia question of the week is who is the ‘Velvet Teddy Bear’….oh come on.  It’s Ruben.  Exxon Mobile is contributing now to America Gives Back.  And now Gwenny is going to perform.  She’s so cute.  I think she should win this competition….but you know America probably wouldn’t vote for her.  Gwenny is about three feet taller than Ryan…how funny. 

So, here’s where we stand – Moby and Ringling Brothers are in the bottom three.  The last spot is Christina.  Moby is safe now.  And it’s between Sexy Haley and Pudgy Chris.  Seacrest asks the judges who are going home….and of course Randy and Paula won’t answer.  Simon thinks Chris is going home.  And it’s Christina………..

One last montage to the Funny Chubby Christina.  I now have enough guilt ammunition to get whatever I want from the Hubby for months.  Chris sings one last time…..raise a glass kiddies.  Here’s to stupid reality TV shows reminding us that no one anywhere appreciates intelligent humor.  Or talent.

Thanks America.  Thanks for being vindictive and jealous and petty and shallow and superficial and catty.  Thanks for living up to my lofty expectations.

A quick caution to you all - I am quickly losing interest in writing about this show.  It has become a mockery.

Later gators,

Heather

Top Ten.  Seacrest is in some gray blah suit.  Cheesy grin and all.  Gwen Stefani is here tonight and the kiddies are singing her songs and songs by the bands that inspired her…..including the Cure.  Gwen is so cute.  She cares about who wins…..yeah right.

Oprah is singing first.  She picked Donna Summer.  Gwen really liked her.  What’s with these weird 70’s dresses….is this the style now?  Did I miss something?  She’s got about four miles of cleavage to go with her knee high boots.  The only problem with Oprah is that she looks like she’s studying for a test or something….she’s got this squinty serious look on her face all the time.  Randy said, you know what was kinda good about that?  Kinda good, Randy?  Palease….he said that was hot.  Paula said that was good, Donna Summer would be proud.  Simon said great, loved the boots, you’re 30 years younger now.  Blah blah blah.  She used to work at a bank?  What kind of crazy bank was that? 

Christina is singing next.  Ryan says, say hi.  More stupid internet questions….what do you do in your down time?  He says knitting, crocheting, playing the bongos in his boxers.  <smile>  Get it?  Get it?  Heehee.  He’s singing some Police…woohoo.  Love them and this song….Every Little Thing She Does.  Gwenny said stay with the beat.  I think it sounds great.  I love him.  He’s funny.  He’s pudgy.  And he’s not Sucky Sanjaya.  Awwwww…I don’t think he liked his own performance.  Randy said you weren’t in the pocket.  And Randy goes, comments?  Paula said find the timing.  Cowell thought it was a mess.  At this stage in the competition….a mess, all over the place.  He didn’t like the song.  The music plays over him….and Cowell goes, it’s not the Oscars!!!  HAHAHAHAHA.  Please vote for him.  I still think he deserves to be here.

Tattoo girl is singing now….and she apparently loves Gwenny.  She’s so emotional about meeting her, it’s kind of cute.  What the hell is that dress?  She looks like she’s tobogganing down the bobsled shute in that thing.  And another pair of boots.  I thought it was pretty good.  Perfect song for her.  Randy loved it….but maybe loved the boots more.  Paula thought she looked great, and picked the great song.  Simon didn’t think it was one of her best performances……it was her best performance.  Classic.  Simon said the difference between when you started and now….is like….get this….chalk….and cheese…..now, you tell me.  Do we really speak the same language as these limeys?  Chalk and cheese.  Just keep saying that to yourself.  Chalk and cheese.  <head shaking>

It’s the second period of the Caps game and the Penguins are winning.  Not good.  We do not like the Pens at all.  Lesson #1 about Hackey - Pens are bad evil hockey players from hell.  Boo Pens.  So, they’re up by one and the Hubby is throwing things at the TV.  And he’s not listening to a word I am saying….which means he is in his serious sports zone of concentration….which means he is silently chanting his hex mantra against everything from Pittsburgh.  Lesson #2 about Hackey – Donald Brashear will punch you in the mouth if you make him mad.  He’s a great player.

Seacrest is fighting his way through crowd.  Bollywood is singing some No Doubt…and even Gwenny thinks he sucks.  She says good luck loser, you’re gonna need it.  But in a nice way.  He has done something completely ridiculous with his hair….looks kind of like a mohawk.  He’s forgetting the words.  This is the number one worst performance ever heard on this show.  William Hung had more personality than this moron.  The Hubby swears he would buy a Bollywood CD.  Just to annoy me.  Randy called his hair “interesting”.  Paula says he needs gumption.  Please tell me Simon will tell it like it is.  The Cowell says, I assume there was no mirror in your dressing room.  Simon says you are in your universe and if people like you, good luck. 

Ringling Brothers is singing now.  Gwenny thought it was too over the top.  This is apparently the new Hot Girl, according to the Hubby and sudden attention.  She’s wearing a slinky black dress.  Very sexy.  The song sounds pretty good to me.  She can definitely sing.  Randy said he wasn’t jumping up and down about it….no kidding Randy.  Paula agrees with Gwenny….shocker.  What’s wrong with you people, I liked it.  Simon wants to know how she thinks she did.  He said, sweet but forgettable.  He says there was nothing to remember really.  Too safe.  Come on Cowell, if the boys can dial it up for stupid Sanjaya, they can certainly dial a number for Sexy Haley. 

Moby is here ready to perform and Seacrest is making him answer another stupid question.  How does it feel going from being an unknown to being a household name.  Let’s make it clear Moby, nobody knows who you are….but he’s singing Every Breath You Take.  I love this song.  And he sounds fantastic.  Fantastic.  I don’t even mind the oogey looks into the camera.  Perfect song for him.  He nailed it.  I don’t even mind that stupid beanie he’s wearing.  Randy liked it, very solid.  Paula is talking about him being better in the chorus than the verses.  The Cowell thought it was very good.  Great choice of song.  He said this is the first time I have ever thought you were taking this seriously.

Doolittle is singing for Gwenny and totally blew her away.  Somebody tell Doolittle to stop acting surprised when people tell her she’s good.   Yup.  Still great.  She clearly loves to sing.  Loves it.  Ladies and gents – your next American Idol.  Randy says you’re a pro because you feel the words.  Nice comment.  Paula says you have charisma.  No tears this week, Paula?  Simon says vocally, outstanding.  He hated the outfit.  You know you’re good when all Simon can talk about is your outfit…

Beatbox is singing LoveSong by the Cure.  I love this song too.  Weird choice though.  Robert Smith was the lead singer of the Cure…you remember him with the weird Edward Scissorhands hair.  British band.  Around for a while.  Yeah….I was one of those people in high school.  Big surprise, right?  Very pretty, but not that different.  A very straight forward approach.  Randy didn’t think it was perfect.  You made the most of it.  He liked it.  Paula loved it, big surprise.  I like that she called the Cure hip.  That’s funny.  That’s an 80’s song he just sang.  Simon says be careful about doing your own thing and Paula starts yelling at him.  He says you’re strongest guy in the competition.  He’s a cutie, he’ll have a contract after this.

River is sing No Doubt.  Really?  How about the balls on this girl?  Ok….let’s ignore the fact that she looks like Alice in Wonderland going to some freaky picnic.  I think she could fit her head through those earrings.  And another pair of boots.  Maybe I should get a pair of boots.  She’s screaming a little bit.  Not nearly energy.  Gwenny would be jumping around the stage.  I think that was a bad choice.  Randy liked it.  Whatever.  Paula says you’re cute.  Whatever.  Simon says – most improved.  What about chalk and cheese, Simon.  The Cowell thought it was kind of copy-cattish.  Ok. 

Timberlake is singing now.  Don’t Speak.  Really?  Gwenny says stick to the melody.  She says stop the vocal Olympics.  Nice one, Gwenny.  Did Seacrest dress him this week?  Stupid tie and jeans.  At least he’s with the beat….right?  HAHAHAHA, just kidding.  He sounded pretty good.  The Hubby thinks boy-band stuff is cheating…because you don’t have to hold a note.  Snap.  Randy said, it was good.  Paula says, good.  Simon didn’t like the vocal….that’s because his voice isn’t that strong.  Seacrest says what do you think about Beatbox being the frontrunner?  Instigator.  Timberlake doesn’t care apparently.  That’s because he knows a girl is going to win this.

The Hubby is dialing the phone.

<sigh>

You know what?  I think he could use a faux-hawk hairdo for work tomorrow.…

Pick some cheese this week gators…cheese please.  No chalk.

Later,

Heather

Hello American Idol Fans,

Seacrest is being his normal dramatic self.  This is a much better suit.  Hello to the judges – Dick Vitale, the Any Random Cheerleader and Billy Packard.  Ryan is Jim Nance…..let’s call him Nancy.  Simon has his 57^th grey shirt on.  Peter Noone is singing.  Let’s get to it people.  Tell me that Sanjaya is going home.  Please tell me.  The Hubby is chanting his name…..making me crazy.  With the same distressed emotion with which he was watching the final seconds of the Maryland/Butler game….the Hubby is on the edge of his seat….chanting VERY loudly and obnoxiously – SAN  JA  YA.  SAN  JA  YA.  SAN  JA  YA. 

I hope he feels comfortable on that couch…..because that’s where he’s sleeping….till April.

The crazy Ford commercial is up next….the kiddies are rolling around in suds at a laundry mat.  What does that have to do with driving?  Oh…I get it.  They’re college students….and they’re taking a break from watching the basketball….the Hubby tried to recreate Doolittle’s gymnastic feats by throwing the Pumpkin across the room to land safely on the couch <wink>  don’t worry PETA, that was a joke.  Now it’s time for the wave – everybody stand and sit.  Moby, Doolittle, and Beatbox have to stand.  They’re all safe.  No kidding.  Christina, Oprah, and River.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand they’re safe.  Well, of course they are.  Bollywood, Ringling Brothers, and Tattoo Girl.  And they are…………….safe?  The air has been sucked out of the stadium.  This is like a Saluki beating a Jayhawk.  This is like a cobra beating a mongoose <look it up losers>.  The Hubby starts screaming at the top of his lungs.  His “Team” is advancing.  I’m going to cry.

The trivia question for the week.  Who’s in the Color Purple?  Well, it’s Fantasia of course.

Nancy starts talking about their America Gives Back campaign.  He shows the cute little kids they are collecting money for.  I have a suggestion.  How about America give me back my sanity by not voting for MO RONS like Bollywood.  How about America giving back to me????   How about that?  Lulu is singing now.  To Sir With Love – good movie. 

Nancy welcomes us back with Bobo and Timberlake on the stage with him.  He says after 30 million votes, Bobo is going home.  You know what…I give up.  The game was on the line…….and America just missed the last foul shot.

The TIVO apparently thinks I do not need to see the end of this show….but I did get to hear my mysterious cool rocker dude.  I’m going to sleep.  I hate you America.

Later gators,

Heather

p.s. – The Caps lost too. 

Hello American Idol Tormentors,

It’s the final eleven.  We’re still in this mammoth auditorium.  Seacrest looks like a librarian.  Purple tie and light blue shirt…..<shaking my head>……Ryan introduces all the kids again.  Then he introduces the judges – Randy, Paula and Simon.  Ladies and gentlemen – the Hubby is making me crazy.  He has joined the vote-for-the-worst bandwagon.  I’m going to murder him in his sleep.  He starts screaming for Bollywood when he walks across the stage.  He even tells me he’s going to vote tonight…..for Bollywood.  I think Howard Stern must have brainwashed him into this behavior….because I blame Howard Stern for all his extremely disgusting male habits or anything he does that annoys me.  He’s doing this to make me crazy.  I literally may go totally bonkers.

Tonight is “British Invasion” night.  Woohoo.  These kids have a ton of amazing songs to pick from – Ringling Brothers is up first singing ‘Tell Him’.  The Hermans Hermits are providing the kids with advice this week.  And Mrs. Herman seemed to actually have some helpful things to say.  I actually think it sounds pretty good.  It’s fun.  Randy liked it a lot.  Great song choice, yo factor, blah blah blah.  Paula said ditto.  I think I caught Simon flexing his pecs and looking at himself.  <giggle>  The Cowell called her a naughty thing.  He apparently thinks she looks good.  <tsk tsk> A little young for you Simon. 

I just figured out why the Hubby is being so obnoxious.  There are zero games on tonight.  Zero sports of any kind.  AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  <evil giggle>  And then he starts talking about Bollywood again.  AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE.  Why is it the ones that you love the most that make you so <bleepin> infuriated?

Timberlake is singing now.  He’s singing ‘Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying’.  Mr. Herman told him to keep it simple.  I’m guessing he can’t do it.  It’s MTV Unplugged……plugged in.  He’s sitting in a chair center stage with his trusty sidekick guitar player.  He’s doing the oogy staring into the camera.  He’s trying really hard….I can tell…..but it’s just……..not……..good enough.  The audience goes crazy when he’s done.  Randy liked it…..not sure why.  He said it was beautiful, one of his best vocalists.  Paula called it sexy.  Simon thinks it was his best performance.  His control was excellent but he didn’t make it sound old fashioned.  A little bit nasally, but good.  He reminds me of that Jerry Maguire kid all grown up.

Bobo is singing now with her crazy electric blue eye shadow, and her clinky chunky earrings.  Bobo says the hardest part of the week is picking the song.  She’s picking ‘You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me’.  Lulu thinks she sounds like Beyonce too.  How about that?  Huh.  Pretty good.  But she’s showing how not strong her voice is here….still good…..but I don’t think good is going to win any contests…..How about me sounding like a snobby Brit?  HAHAHAHAHA.  Randy didn’t think it was the best, it was a little pitchy.  Paula likes what she’s wearing, you picked the right song, a few off notes.  Simon thinks she’s losing her edge.  A bit night-clubby.  Cabaret.  Ouch.  He misses the passion from her….awwwwwww….I think he may actually be rooting for her.  Come on, she’s not going anywhere.

Beatbox is singing.  But not before Seacrest shows us how to use a cell phone…..so stupid.  Is he wearing two mics on his jacket?  Anyway, this kid is singing ‘Time of the Season’ in his cool hiphop style.  You know what?  This kid has got me.  I like it.  And here’s why he’s really good.  He does the “sexy” look at the audience….not into the camera.  Because the camera looks are oogy.  I LOVED it.  Randy says he liked it.  That’s funny, that’s exactly what he did last week and you hated it.  HYPOCRITS!!!  Argh!!!  I can’t stand it.  Paula blubbered all over the place.  Simon says a million times better than last week.  Right song, melody in tact, strongest so far.  Nice.  Seacrest says, you’ve got the moves don’t you.  And then he starts dancing.  Like epileptic Elaine Bettis dancing.  That may have been the seriously most funny thing I have ever seen on this show.

So Oprah is singing now.  She doesn’t know any British songs.  She’s singing Diamonds are Forever.  I really don’t like the green dress….even with the cleavage….green just isn’t sexy.  Sorry.  The Jolly Green Giant.  You know what…….I kinda didn’t like it.  Randy says, he could tell she wasn’t feelin’ it.  Just awight.  Paula thinks she picked the right song.  And then she starts drooling over the diamonds.  Simon thinks it was too old.  Period.  Seacrest asks Simon what was wrong with the dress, and Simon says – that’s your department.  Heehee. 

Moby is singing now.  Mr. Hermit liked it.  He’s singing Tobacco Road.  Wow, I think he was right, this is perfect for Moby’s voice.  You know who would sound good singing this?  Mysterious cool rocker dude….<sigh>……….oh, how I miss him.  Moby needs to learn how to move around on the stage.  He looks ridiculous.  But, he sounds great.  Randy said, pretty good.  I think he did kind of like it.  Paula liked him…I mean it….I mean him.  What?  <smile>  Simon wasn’t crazy about it.  Third division bar band performance.  No grit in your voice…..hmmm….like…..Daughtry?  I have that CD…..just in case…..you know…..you want to borrow it.  Seacrest asks him what does it feel like to be in the bottom three.  What a stupid thing to ask.

The River is singing now.  Name a song that describes yourself.  She says “I’m so excited.”  Please don’t pretend like these questions are a surprise, because you have clearly rehearsed the answer.  “I Who Have Nothing”.  Nice.  This girl has got it GOIN’ ON!!!  As Randy would say.  Love this song.  She is doing a fabulous job.  That was excellent.  Poor Randy is trying to be heard.  He’s really impressed.  Paula says 17 doesn’t matter.  Simon says he wants to jump off a bridge because it was so gloomy.  Did I….did you….did anyone…..see Simon wink at Seacrest??????  That was really weird.  Ryan seems queerly impressed with the way she can arch her eyebrow.  Come on Ryan.  I can do that too.

Seacrest says you only have a short time to prepare yourself for the wild side of Sanjaya.  Well…..now they’re just outwardly mocking him.  The Hermit says it’s not a singing competition, it’s a voting competition.  Bollywood admits he’s not the best singer in the competition.  Herman says he looks more like a Hermit, and less like a Kink.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Agreed.  “You Really Got Me.”  There’s some girl in the audience crying.  Yes, sweetie.  It’s really this bad.  The Hubby is jumping up and down on the couch and singing along and you know what.  My husband is out-singing the TV right now.  Which is pretty pathetic.  And instead of tivoing right through the song….we get to listen to every single painful note that this boy can create.  If Randy says this was good….I’m going to go jump off my deck.  Randy says best performance to date.  I’ll be right back.

Paula says go for it.  Simon points out the little teeny bopper crying.  I’m gonna puke.  Now they’re pimping out Jan Brady to get this kid votes.  Number 8.  The Hubby spends the rest of the night reciting the number under his breath.

Tattoo Girl is singing now.  “Painted Black”  I love this song, I hope she doesn’t screw it up.  Well…..its not the Sex Pistols.  And yes, thank you, I realize Jonny Rotten never san this….It was ok.  I think it could have been better.  Randy says awight, a little pitchy.  Paula says miles better than last week.  Simon said there were moments of complete torture (which by the way is how the Hubby refers to this show…..every……single……waking moment).  Style over content.  Vocally, not good enough.  Well, he’s right.  Tattoo girl is about to cry.  And so Seacrest drags it out as long as possible to make sure she has to hold it together.  Simon says everything else is rubbish, this should be a singing competition.  Oh, I think that was directed toward Herman.

Christina asks Herman how he got voted as Sexiest Artist Alive and Mr. Hermit says, well I paid everyone off.  <chuckle chuckle>  “She’s Not There”  Oh please be good this week Christina, I’m still rooting for you!!  He’s walking through the crowd.  That’s cool.  I think this sounds good.  He’s got a good voice, he really does.  He’s carrying that mic stand around in a very threatening manner.  YES.  It was much much better.  I like this kid a lot.  I really do.  Randy says it started off rough and ended really well.  Paula says something totally useless.  The Cowell says  you did your thing.  It wasn’t the best vocal we’ve heard tonight, good song for you, a lot of personality.  Fro Patrol!!!! 

And Doolittle is shutting down the show.  “As Long As He Needs Me”.  Yeah…she can still sing.  Nothing has changed.  This is the girl that should win it all.  She’s great.  This girl pours out her emotion on stage.  There’s really nothing else to say.  Randy and Paula say blah blah blah.  Simon asks, are you really as nice as you seem?  He says it was impeccable.  I agree Cowell.

The Hubby is already dialing as I write out the end of this.  He keeps going busy<beep beep>, busy <beep beep>…..busy <beep beep>…..busy <beep beep>.  Damnit!!!!  It probably isn’t even connecting…..but what the hell.  I can’t grab the phone from him, I want to scream.  And then he goes, there’s one vote.  AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I am fairly convinced Bollywood will be around next week because the Hubby has convinced me that America has a very sick sense of humor.  Busy……..busy…….

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol Zombies,

It’s judgment day people.  I hope you all voted.  Seacrest is in a nice black suit tonight…very professional Ryan.  Stupid purple tie though.  I think only Donald Trump can get away with that nonsense.  The Cowell has a nice white shirt on…but its buttoned down to show of his hairy chest….blecccccccchhhhhhhhhh.  Now it’s time for the Diana Ross tribute.  So, why didn’t anyone pick these songs?  And why are the kids singing, when Miss Ross is going to be singing too?  <sigh>  Weird.  Although this does sound better than a lot of the other group songs.  Did Tattoo girl cut her hair?  Or this another illusion?  Turn around so I can see!!!!  Dangit!! 

And here’s the crazy Ford commercial.  Already?  You know you’ve missed these…right?  I like Christina’s afro.  Kind of Dawn of the Deadish if you ask me.  <shiver shiver>  Seacrest says, to the business.  He’s going to ask for the three people with the lowest votes to join him at the center of the stage.  So, Oprah is safe.  Tattoo girl is safe and I did finally see that it is pulled back.  Warrick is in the bottom three.  Awwwwwww….the Hubby and I both think that its going to be all boys.  Jordin is safe.  Timberlake is safe.  Why do they even make Doolittle stand?  She’s not going home until after the finale.  Moby is in the bottom three too.  Christina is safe!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAY.  I have faith in him.  And you too now.  Bobo is safe and so is Beatbox. 

Now its time for the stupid Challenge question. OOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO you get to be on the set of the Ford commercial?  Well, then its worth it.  And now its time for Diana to show us how its really done.  I think that weird boa thing is throwing her off.  Paula’s got her Leprachaun shirt on…how cute.  She says American Idol is an inspiration.  And she won’t tell Seacrest who is going home.  She says Me.  HAHAHAHAHA.  That’s funny. 

Down to the final two – Bollywood and Ringling Brothers.  Haley is safe and Sanjaya has to stand at center stage….well at least his in the bottom three.  Moby is safe.  But good on ya Seacrest for making him sweat it out a bit.  28 million votes and America has decided that………………Bollywood is safe. 

I’m going to cry.  Listen to mysterious cool rocker dude….I have this cd if anyone wants to borrow it……have I mentioned that.  Have I also mentioned that this is the cruelest of all jokes.  28 million of you minus one (i.e., me) have a terrible terrible sense of humor………I’m going home.

Later gators,

Heather

Hello you American Idol Models,

The final twelve.  They spotlight the big success stories….Kelly, Carrie, Chris, Fantasia, Jennifer….curiously absent were season two winner – Ruben and last season winner Taylor.  They didn’t even mention Clay.  Huh, that’s crazy.  Seacrest introduces the band and then the audience.  I am slightly confused by Seacrest’s outfit…gray and tan….just weird.  But he’s got that five o’ clock shadow going on.  Randy is wearing a shirt made out of curtains.  Paula looks cold.  And the Cowell…guess what?....is wearing a white shirt….not grey.  How about that?

Tonight is Diana Ross night.  Seacrest introduces her career for all the kiddies that may be too young to know who the hell she is….<sigh>….so, she gets to coach the kids this week.  Is it just me or has she had a nose job?  She looks weird.  Not weird…I mean she looks great….just different. 

Warrick is singing first.  I keep forgetting that he’s a back-up singer.  She has some weird advice for him about going back to his center  <huh?>.  You Can’t Hurry Love is his choice.  He looks nervous.  I think it would be better if he wasn’t so nervous.  Once he gets in to the song, it sounds a little better.  He does a little Elvis hip jiggle in the middle of the song.  That was cute.  But I think he forgot the words……Bones is in the audience!  Yes David Boreanez is sooooooooo cute.  I wish that show was on too.  Randy said it was kind of bad.  Paula said you were nervous, rah rah rah.  Simon said ‘complete letdown’.  Predictable.  Terrible dancing.  And then he goes on for about 90 seconds telling him how awful it was…and poor Warrick just stands there are smiles.  Brandon?  That name so doesn’t fit you dude….I think Warrick should be your name from now on.

Doolittle is going now.  Oh.  This is gonna be good.  Seacrest is asking the kids questions from the internet….really.  What’s the hardest part about this?  She says the high heels and dresses.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Good one.  Seacrest asks Simon if he has any advice.  Simon says, you would know.  And then Seacrest goes, stay out of my closet.  And then Simon says, come out.  And then Seacrest goes, this is about the top twelve and not your wishes.  The boys are going at it again tonight, this should be entertaining.  Doolittle is singing Home (The Wiz).  I can’t believe she can actually walk in those heels without breaking her leg.  And yeah, she sounds fantastic.  And finally an auditorium that fits her voice a little better.  She has got a set of lungs on her….woooooooooooh boy.  I think she’s crying.  I think Paula is crying.  Randy can’t get the words out.  Paula is blubbering through her advice…you’d think she was her mother.  Simon asks her why she’s crying, and she says I’ve never heard anything like that from me.  Simon can’t stop laughing at Paula.  And he says you made a very boring song sound amazing, and you sound like a young Gladys Knight.  You know what?  I think this girl is genuinely thrilled to be there.

Now it’s Christina’s turn.  Woo hoo.  Hmmmm, Diana didn’t like him changing the song to Endless Love.  Come on Christina, I’m counting on you.  I don’t like it.  Oh my goodness….oh my goodness.  I am totally panicking!!!  Come on Christina!!!  AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  I don’t like the new arrangement.  Randy didn’t like it either.  He thought it was a mess.  Oh boy.  Paula said sometimes I worry that you’re trying ultra hard to be ultra hip.  Basically, the same thing Randy said.  Simon hated it, you turned a beautiful song into a drone.  And keep your glasses on.  Oh maaaaaaaaan….please vote for him anyway. 

Tattoo Girl is singing now.  Oh wow.  She’s singing Love Child.  She said pronounce each word.  Um….yeah the song sounds pretty good….but someone tell me what the hell that thing is around her neck?  Is that a necklace?  And ok, now that I’m not completely transfixed by the very odd jewelry….the song doesn’t sound as good.  She sounds like she’s yelling.  Hmmmm….I don’t know.  Randy said it wasn’t my favorite performance.  Paula said you’re better than this.  Simon says there’s not much you can say about it.  You picked the right song.  Seacrest strolls out on stage.  You know what would be very funny….if he started talking in a British accent.  I might pee my pants if he does that.

Now, instead of flipping over to some sports game the Hubby is acting quite erratically.  He grabs the phone and starts dialing away.  I am pretty sure he is ordering a pizza….which is kind of weird…..because we just had dinner.  So I ask nonchalantly, so what are you doing, completely convinced I will have to guilt him into some kind of make-up gift for insulting my cooking when he yells, I can’t take it anymore!!!  I’m voting NOW!!  How do you like that, Seacrest you &*^&^<bleep>!!  <smile>  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I married this man.  He may not like my show, but at least he’s funny about it.

Now, back to it.  Oh, happy day.  It’s Bollywood’s turn.  Diana is basically telling him to move and get with the beat and be better.  <smile>  Oh, I am pretty sure this is gonna totally suck.  Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.  Oh look.  He has a perm.  That is really really disturbing.  This at least doesn’t make the Pumpkin lick her butt. But it still sucks.  Randy doesn’t know what to say.  He says it wasn’t very good.  Unlistenable.  Which is funny, because the Hubby tivoed right through the song.  Paula said, nice smile.  Thanks Paula.  HE CAN’T DO IT, people.  He proves it week after week.  Simon says when you hear a Wail in Beverly Hills its Diana when she hears this.  Paula starts goading on the audience.  Simon says, ok, here’s something positive.  You’re very brave.  I’m starting to think this kid is dense.  Don’t you WANT to go home Bollywood? 

Ringling Brothers is up now.  Another internet question – where’s the craziest place you’ve ever sang?  What a dumb question.  And she says, here.  Great, thanks for the totally boring answer.  Oooooo, Diana called it a studio voice and not a stage voice.  Snap!  Missing You.  The chair in the middle of the stage in the spotlight……does nothing to distract the Hubby from her cleavage.  She’s got the frowny face on.  Because she is vewy vewy sherious.  Randy says you already know what I’m going to say.  She forgot the words.  She’s not saying a thing…I think she may bust out in tears in about a second.  Hurry up, judges.  The tears are coming.  Simon says I didn’t think it was that bad and that does it, now she’s crying.  He says, we’ll remember you now Haley (pointing out that he remembers her name).  He says he was very impressed with her presence on stage.  Awwwwwwwwww, Simon is so nice.  Um, I guess I wasn’t paying attention gators, because I didn’t even notice she messed up. 

Moby is singing now.  He’s got a fan in Diana.  Moby wants to be more confident this week.  I don’t think any of the boys on this season know how to be sexy.  That’s too bad.  You’re not gonna make me love you Moby.  Sorry.  It’s not bad….but he just doesn’t have that IT that people like mysterious cool rocker dude have….I have that CD by the way….if anybody wants to borrow it.  Randy says what do you think?  He says the performance was kind of boring, but the vocals were great.  Paula said, great voice.  Simon said, you’re wrong.  Paula says, whatever.  <hee hee>.  He says don’t shout when you’re trying to hit the high notes.  Seacrest says, take that!!  Take that and build.  Thanks Ryan.

Oprah is singing now.  God Bless the Child.  Billie Holiday song.  She looks fantastic.  And she sounds even better.  Holy cow.  Please Lord, please make the finale between Oprah and Doolittle.  That would be the best.  Perfect song for her.  Standing o, from the audience.  Randy says great.  Unbelievable vocal from you, not overdone.  Sensational.  Paula says your heart comes through when you sing (but she’s not crying).  Simon says you’ve either got it or you don’t.  And you’ve got it.  Simon says you and Doolittle are in a different league.  In control, performed like a star.  How many times do you hear someone say, I was trying to tone it down in the big stage arena.  I’m guessing not very often.  <smile>

Beatbox is singing now.  Another viewer question, what kind of music do you listen to in your spare time.  He said a lot of things that I didn’t understand.  And his favorite performer of all time is MJ.  You Keep Me Hanging On.  Huh, I think I may actually like this.  Very hip hoppy.  His voice sounds pretty good.  And he can dance.  Always very comfortable on stage.  One of the few who is always with the beat.  I liked that a lot.  I surprise myself over how much I like it.  Randy you’re crazy…I liked the Blake-izing.  It was very cool.  Modernizing it was cool.  Simon says he didn’t get it.  Well, Cowell, that’s because you’re British.  And British people don’t like dance music.  I’m shocked.  These people are crazy. 

Paula is sitting on Seacrest’s lap now.  What was that Simon was putting in his pocket?  Was that a lighter?  These people are totally out of control.  Bobo is singing now.  Diana wants her to sing sexy.  Love Hangover.  Come on Bobo.  Well….she didn’t really work up to anything.  Right off the bat, loud and strong voice.  She has a great voice.  The Hubby thinks she sounds like Beyonce.  Hmmmm, maybe.  Randy said he was waiting for it to get great and it never did.  Paula said you didn’t bring it.  Simon said it was a teaser, an intro.  He thinks she chose the wrong song.  Seacrest wants to know how much control you have over the arrangement.  Shut up Seacrest, I can’t believe this is your job. 

Timberlake is singing now.  He was star-struck around Diana, he’s singing The Boss.  He was so nervous.  That’s kind of cute.  Stop squinting your eyes Timberlake.  Huh, he sounds a little flat in the beginning….this is a little too disco for my taste.  It’s kind of bad actually.  But you know what, the judges and I are totally not agreeing tonight….so nevermind.  Nothing was Randy’s favorite tonight.  He’s so wishy washy.  Paula likes his blend of contemporary and modern.  Simon thinks the vocals were dreadful.  Poor kid.  He’ll be here next week though, guaranteed.

Seacrest said something about voting again and the Hubby almost threw the phone at the TV (smile).  River is singing last.  Oh boy.  Come on lady, close it out with a bang.  If We Hold On Together.  Diana thinks you have an inner light.  Didn’t she sing a Disney song last week?  Or was that someone else.  It’s nice.  Kind of like a Disney soundtrack is nice.  She’s got a good voice.  She’s yelling a bit though.  I don’t think that’s what Diana meant by projection.  Let’s put her third behind Doolittle and Oprah.  Her teeth are so perfect.  That’s kind of disturbing.  Randy agrees with me, about her singing not her teeth.  But come on Randy, she can’t really compete with the other two.  Paula said blah blah blah (I am sooooooooooo tired of listening to her).  Simon thinks it was a little bit gooey, but great and she should be in the running for the finals.  Look how little Seacrest is……like a little doll.  So cute Ryan, you cootchie cootchie coo.  Now, back in to the closet!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.

If any of you vote for Bollywood, I’m coming to your house and punching you in the arm.  Vote for the best, not the worst!!!

Later gators,

Heather

Hello Mr. American Idol,

It’s the results show and I swear to all that is holy that Seacrest talks slower and slower every show.  This………………………………..Is……………………………………..American……………………………………………..Idol………………………………..

We start off the night with the group song.  Stuck in the Middle.  Kiddies, if you didn’t know, this song is on the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack.  And that is all I can think of while these kids are trying to sing together.  We’re in a Mexican standoff and if you shoot him, then he’ll shoot me and I’ll shoot you.  Please.  Someone make it stop.  And look at Seacrest, our own Quentin Tarantino. 

Or….or better yet….I have another suggestion.  Why don’t you let Doolittle and Oprah sing a duet?  How about that?  And here are our judges, and Simon is wearing yet another version of his favorite gray shirt.  And just in case you missed the last two nights and didn’t bother to read my stunningly insightful review, they show a mini recap.  The Hubby pointed out that if they can recap the last two nights in five minutes, maybe we could just shorten the whole show?  He’s fantastically supportive, isn’t he?

Now we’re getting to the chopping block.  Oprah and Beatbox made it.  Christina is up next and Seacrest drags it out like the jackass he is.  He better make it after that ridiculous drama.  After the break………..Seacrest you jerk.  The River Jordin is up now and she’s safe too.  Now we got Moby.  You know someone has to go home eventually.  You know if Seacrest asked me one of these asinine questions and then said, you’re going home (like he did to a certain mysterious cool rocker dude, never forgive you for that Ryan), I think I may punch him square in the face.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, the first loser of the night is no big surprise – Quitino (or Jared as he is otherwise known).  Paula is very upset, she clearly thinks he is very very talented….huh…….everybody gives him some useless advice.  Look Jared, save yourself the trouble.  Get into modeling or something, you’re so cute.  No one ever becomes a singer if they are kicked off of this show before the top 12.

So, Warrick and Doolittle are safe.  How many is that now?  Tattoo Girl and Timberlake have made it.  That’s nine people.  Three places left. 

Break time and we’re going to list off all of Carrie Underwood’s amazing achievements.  Wow.  I didn’t really she’s done this well.  I’m impressed.  Her debut album has gone platinum five times over.  Wow.  But what the hell is she wearing?  It looks like a big bag….like a bean bag.  Weird.  She looks great though and apparently the bag dress does nothing to take away from her appeal, according to the Hubby.  She is the quintessential country singer.  And you know what?  I think I like this better than Fantasia’s performance.  But like I’ve said on numerous occasions, I actually like country music.  The Hubby did manage to refrain from making too many redneck jokes while she was singing….

More results and a special announcement.  After the break, Seacrest calls up Internet Girl and Bobo….and finally.  Finally.  Internet Girl is going home.  THANK YOU.  The Hubby is very upset.  Sorry chica, just not good enough.  Now sing,  badly.  Babye.  And we get Chia Pet and Ringling Brothers.  Chia Pet is already crying….oh dear.  Chia Pet is going home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  America.  You totally suck.  TOTALLY SUCK.  I cannot believe this.  Completely ridiculous.  The judges are visibly upset.  She sings again and proves to all of you morons that you were wrong. 

Idol Gives Back is their new special announcement.  Simon and Seacrest visited Africa and these poor kids.  And the judges are visiting poverty striken areas of America.  Randy and Paula are going to Louisiana.  After one of the shows, you get to vote and for every vote cast Fox, Ford and Coke will be contributing money to these kids.  Quincy Jones is writing a special song.  Borat will be there.  Gwen Stefani, Pink, Michael Buble, and Bono…..it’s the Fox Live Aid.  Cool.  Finally, using the AI Powerhouse for some good. 

Now we’re down to the last two guys…..Bollywood and Meatloaf.  Oh.  Lord help me.  I want to knock my head into a brick wall.  This is the worst possible scenario.  Bollywood is in?!?!?!?  I am living in the twilight zone.  Is this America?  Where are we?  Have I fallen off the planet.  Seacrest asks Simon what happened, and he said….um……..the volume was turned down?  I kind of feel bad for Bollywood and Paula goes, no disrespect to Sanjaya.  No disrespect?  This poor kid knows he shouldn't be on the show. 

I’m so disgusted.  And thank you for playing my mysterious cool rocker dude song……..ahhhhhhhhhhhhh……these faces are your final 12.  I am just……….<blech>………….not like it matters.  Doolittle is obviously going to win, because she has no NO competition. 

Now, was that as good for you as it was for me?

<smile>

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol Gamblers,

Since I did not win the Mega Millions jackpot....I guess I will keep writing this for you!  Here are the ladies people.  Look at Seacrest in his James Lipton outfit….where’s Paula?  Not at her seat apparently…..so here we go, they like to remind us that it’s a live show from time to time…..He says, “This is it ladies” while he jumps up and down.  <shaking my head>…..now Paula is back, oof Simon, that shirt…..Simon says Paula was under the desk and Randy said she had to get something for me….what?  We are already out of control.  Paula does not look very happy.  Maybe the Cowell’s chest hair is grossing her out….seriously Cowell, button up.

The River Jordin is up first, singing Pat Benatar.   Apparently, she’s a big football fan.  See ladies….women can actually watch and enjoy football.  I don’t like this very much.  Well….the end sounds better than the beginning…..I like her hair.  Randy said it’s like a different show when the girls are singing.  It wasn’t her best, but still better than all the boys….ouch!  Paula said you’ll stick around for a long time.  Simon said he’s not as thrilled as everyone else….not her best…..and then she crouches down so she’s shorter than Seacrest…..that was kind of funny.

Seacrest is sitting on the couch now with the girls…..what’s your favorite curse word?  Chia Pet is singing now.  She wanted to be the next Katie Couric…..awwwww….that’s cute.  I like this girl, I think she’s pretty good.  This sounds a little off…..but not really…..she’s got attitude.  And a good voice.  And she held that last note for about an hour.  Randy likes her.  Paula likes her.  I like her.  And the Cowell?  He thinks she’s a great singer, but lacking the emotion that he gets from her main competitors.  She definitely deserves to be in the final 12.

Internet Girl is up next….she used to play the violin…..and she teaches people how to play…..huh…..the Hubby just said he could learn to play the violin….that’s weird.  She is so off.  Come on America.  Please.  Please take the TV off of mute….and tell me whether she should be on this show any longer.  No.  No she should definitely not.  Randy and Paula say she picked the right song….but….whatever.  Simon is surprisingly nice to her, mentions that she’s taken a lot of crap from the media, which he doesn’t think any should have to put up with….awww….how sweet.  But, she can’t go any further in the show.  Simon says it’s a fact.  Randy reminds everyone it’s a singing competition.  Paula is very very uncomfortable with this whole conversation.

Ringling Brothers used to be a gymnast.  She has dislocated both of her shoulders…how about that?  So has the Hubby, well only one of his shoulders.  What the hell is this song?  A Disney movie song?  Well……..she looks pretty nice.  HAHAHAHAHA.  I could do Paula’s thing.  That would be so much fun!  I could repeat everything Randy says and flirt with Simon.  <smile>  Oh wait, someone was singing….right?  Randy didn’t like the song.  He said it didn’t have any ‘Yo’ in it.  Whatever.  Paula said it’s just the kind of singer you are…..Simon thought it was horrible.  A terrible ghastly high school performance.  He doesn’t even know her name.  Seacrest says tell everyone how hard that was….you almost take it personally, right?  Well, Seacrest how should she take it.  Simon says its nothing personal….and he softens it up a bit now.  I like you, I just think other girls are better.  Simon….don’t change who you are for other people.

Bobo is singing now.  She says she wanted to sing and has been singing since she was a kid.  I like this girl, I think she has a great voice.  The Hubby thinks she sounds like Mary J.  Yeah, kinda.  She’ll make it to the final 12.  Randy gives her an A for effort.  Randy says he just heard Chaka the whole time.  Paula says she’s got a beautiful voice, commanded the stage, great showmanship.  Simon wants her to be original and individual….but she’s done absolutely enough to make it to next week.  Seacrest asks if she has the ‘Yo’ factor…Randy says yes, but pick a song that you can sing better than the original artist. 

Oprah is not singing last tonight?  She asks Seacrest to hug her, awwwwwwwwww…how cute.  She’s terrified of animals.  Ok.  That’s kind of weird.  She’s got a better dress on this week.  HAHAHAHA.  This girl blows me away every week.  Everything about that song was fantastic.  Seriously.  This girl can do it all.  Randy says another great one.  Paula says you’re not going anywhere.  Simon loves this girl – passion, believability….and then he says…..because he’s turned into a big softy….he notices that she took his advice about the dress and says, you look beautiful.  Oprah’s family is making a scene….that’s funny.  Don’t you just love family?

Tattoo girl is apparently very superstitious….that’s ok….I am too…..sort of….but I don’t carry weird little tokens around with me.  She’s picked some Evanescence….huh….bad choice…because that girl can really belt it out.  Why would you pick this song?  It doesn’t sound nearly as good….and she’s got this weird Courtney Love outfit on……welllllllllllllll….maybe its not that bad.  Randy says at least we got to see your personality.  He clearly wants someone to sing more rock and roll….Paula says watch out for over-singing.  This is the style that suits her best.  Simon says it’s the first time you looked comfortable, you tended to scream…..but he likes her…..because she’s different.  Ok.  I get that. 

Doolittle is singing last again…she OCD apparently….she calls it equal opportunity.  That’s a cute way to look at it.  Because I’m a Woman.  OH YEAH!!!  I’m off the couch….I’m yelling at the TV…..Randy says everybody is clapping because you’re the best.  Randy is drooling all over the place.  Paula says she can’t wait to hear what she’s going to sing next.  Simon, you little tiger….I thought we had a pussycat.  It’s very nice that you’re actually enjoying every moment you’re having on this show. 

You know what’s really the bad thing about this….if Oprah had been singing in any other season…..she would have won……it’s all on us <YOU>…..please don’t vote for Antonella….I’m not just saying that because I’m being catty….she seriously cannot sing.  And this is a singing competition, right?  It is unless there’s another mysterious cool rocker dude out there that wants to sweep me off my feet…..see kiddies….I can at least recognize and embrace my hypocrisy.  <smile>

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol Gossipers,

Time for the boys again tonight.  We’re down to eight.  Ryan is wearing a gray jacket and a brown shirt….<sigh>….oh Seacrest, you were doing so well there for a time….Here are our judges –Randy, Paula, and Simon.  The contestants get to “share” things    this week.  How exciting.  The Hubby is excited because he only has to sit through an hour….and then we finally……….finally get to watch House again.

Beatbox is up first….he said something about stand-up comics and Halloween….whatever.  He sounds completely off, I mean out of tune.  It’s a nice hip hop/reggae mix….but it sounds all wrong.  The echo makes it worse.  Gross pants. Why can’t you say ‘ass’ on Fox?  Oh please people, it’s Fox.  And now it doesn’t sound like he’s with the music…..hmmmmmmm….I hope someone is worse than him, because I think he should make it to the final 12.  Paula didn’t know the song?  Welcome to Planet Earth, Paula.  Simon says he didn’t understand anything he said…..is everyone deaf tonight?  I thought he sounded terrible.  Song by 3-11 by the way….hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.   It’s current, it’s modern, it’s been played a million times before.  A meeeeeeeeeeeeelllion <Dr. Evil accent> times.

Meatloaf explains why he was crying…..so stupid.  Seacrest asks Sanjaya if he’s surprised to be here?  Of course he is.  Bollywood can hula…wow….I really really really did not need to know that.  Is this kid EVER with the music?  He kind of sounds better this week…..but come on people….send poor Bollywood home.  PLEASE!!  If any of you voted for this kid, stop reading this immediately.  Take your stapler off of your desk and kneecap yourself.  Randy thought it was better than last week…..but that’s not saying much.  Paula has nothing useful to say.  Spit it out Paula.  Let’s go.  Simon thinks he has a Paula hairstyle.  That’s magnificent.  It was a bad vocal….and maybe it was his hair keeping him in the competition.  Seacrest thinks one of them has extensions – but he’s not sure which one……and now everyone is laughing…..Seacrest made a funny!!!

Meatloaf is singing now.  He says he’s thin in real life.  No, no Meatloaf….Christina is the funny one…..not you.  He has picked Jeremy (Pearl Jam)….Eddie Vedder is a MUCH better singer than this kiddies….and MUCH cuter.  Bad idea, Meatloaf.  Except of course for the overwhelmingly obvious fact that you should absolutely be going home this week…..please.  Oh please.  I’ll be good.  I’ll say nice things.  I’ll even try to think nice things occasionally about people.  Please.  I know I have a few positive karma points saved up.  I just don’t want to listen to this guy anymore.  Shut up Randy – Southern rock?  Hot?  You need some more whiskey in that Coke Randy.  Paula said blah blah blah.  Simon thinks he lost his charm, called him a generic bar singer.  Seacrest and the Judges have now completely lost control over the show.  Travis Tritt is getting Randy to produce his album….oh great….someone else Randy can talk about all the time. 

Timberlake says he was fat in high school.  Ok.  Whatever.  He’s singing a nice slow country song (Keith Urban).  I like this song and it sounds ok.  I don’t really care about this guy, one way or the other.  Randy says great song.  Paula says great song.  Simon says it was kind of nasally…and we haven’t heard what you’re capable of…..the Hubby wants everyone to know he could win this competition….if he wasn’t 30.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Seacrest wants to know how he lost the weight and Simon says, leave the boy alone….and Seacrest says let the old men judge, let the young men interview.  OOOOoooooooooooooooo, snap.

Quitino Face Hands is up now.  He played college basketball.  Thank you, kiddies.  Now this nickname should make more sense to all of you.  I hate this song (Stevie Wonder sings it so much better)…..he really doesn’t sound that good and he’s doing the oogey reaching into the camera nonsense.  Oh, Jared.  Stick to being cute.  This is kind of Village People/cruise shippy.  Randy liked it….Paula thinks it needs more excitement.  Simon thinks he understands what Pauler was trying to say, but you’re popular.  The Hubby keeps pointing out that this show would be a lot better if they had the entire competition in one night….<sigh>….

Warrick plays the piano.  Nice.  Me too!  Celebrate.  He sounds a little off, but this is much more exciting.  Stop being nervous Warrick.  Very Lenny Kravitz….pretty good.  Randy thought it got a little messed up at the end….solid.  Paula said pretty phenomenal.  Simon doesn’t think he’s represented himself well….he has a horrible feeling that his song will give him a problem this week. 

Moby says he hasn’t always been bald.  Thanks man.  I feel closer to you now.  You weren’t the first bald guy on this show though…..soooooooooo….what’s wrong with his voice?  This is a terrible song for him….it sounds awful……..it’s so off key.  Oh my goodness, Moby….I don’t think that baby is going to help you here….Randy must mention Steve Perry (Journey in case you haven’t heard him mention it the last 5 billion times)….Paula says weird song.  Simon thought his eyes were odd….weird song….he didn’t get it.  Simon is disappointed with all the guys.  Seacrest asks him, so what’s going through your head as you shoot daggers out of your eyes at the Cowell.  Seacrest wants to know if he’ll squint next week…..Simon wants to know what’s wrong with him.  I think they’re having another spat, kiddies. 

The Wizards are beating the pants off the Toronto Raptors and the Capitals are losing to the Toronto Maple leaves.  Or leafs….I’m not sure which is right in this case.

And we’re back from commercial.  Seacrest announces that Carrie Underwood is singing on Thursday.  Christina is singing.  He says he shaved his head a few years again and the curls are natural, no perm.  He is the coveted final spot of the night.  He’s got a great voice….very Elton John.  Best of the night.  Did I mention I am rooting for this guy?  Well, I am.  Go Christina!!!  He’s carrying the mic stand around like Steven Tyler.  Randy said he didn’t like the song, but he thinks Christina was the best.  Paula didn’t like it….Paula are you high?  SHUT UP!!!  Simon liked the beginning of the song….he shouted in the middle….not a great song.  He’s done enough to make it to the finals.  But he has potential.  Nice.  Of course he does.  Seacrest gives him a hug and Simon starts rolling his eyes.  Ryan says, sorry, he gets excited (referring to the Cowell)….oh dear boys…..keep it clean.

My vote for the biggest losers………well……..you already know what I’m going to say………

Later gators,

Heather

Hello American Idol Savants,

Seacrest says hello.  Nice suit Ryan.  Here are the judges.  Hello judges.  And now it’s the recap.  If you missed the shows, see the previous entries for all the details.  And now the kiddies are singing their group song – Joy to the World.  This is so painfully predictable……and yet, I cannot tear my eyes way……

And now Seacrest and the scary lights come out for the boys.  This is sooooooooooooo dramatic.  Moby is safe and Christina is safe….Meatloaf is safe?!?!?!?!?!?!?  AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  No no no no no.  Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.  Beatbox is safe.  Ryan makes Quitino stand up next to him and that’s right America, Love Boat is safe.  And then without any warning, Seacrest says Nick you’re going home….what about the build-up Ryan?  I had you figured out, and now you’re mixing it up???  This is unacceptable.  Cowell said lack of charismer….Paula said thanks for not quitting…..but you’re still a LOSER and he gets to sing again.

Now Seacrest says how ya doin’ ladies….Jordin pretends like they all like each other.  Bobo is safe, Tattoo Girl is safe, Chia Pet is safe, Doolittle is safe (but really nervous)….and it’s the Cryer.  Come on….start crying!!!!  Ahhhhhh….there she goes…..now sing through the tears!!!!  How awful.  She keeps apologizing….that’s ok honey, you don’t need to sing.  And the back-up singers take us to commercial.  Come on Cryer, get mad!!!!  Or not….keep singing out of tune.  She’s making Meatloaf cry now….

And now Seacrest is introducing a contest….its a quiz….about this show?!?!?!  OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and look at the winner from last week…..oh my goodness………winner?   The question was stupid…obviously its Carrie.  But I could win $10 thousand big ones….And look at the Pickle, new hair, and new boobs….Seacrest asks about what she’s spent her money on since she left and she says, Shoes.  Just shoes? Asks Ryan… Yup, says the Pickle.  Oh, that’s classic.  Yeah, Ryan, I think she bought those boobs too.  That’s ok, they’re hers now.  I’m sure grand daddy Pickle is proud.  She sounds awesomely country.  This is definitely her wheelhouse.  Country music is great people, do not mock it if you’ve never actually listened to it before.  It’s totally American.

Back to the boys….Timberlake is safe, Warrick is safe, and now we’re down to Bollywood and Ajax.  Ajax is going home.  Um.  What?  Paula says, this was a mistake.  I am speachless.  Seacrest asks if the right people have gone home?  Which is clearly directed specifically at Bollywood.  This is very weird.  They don’t even ask Simon….whose head is probably ready to explode.  And poor Bollywood knows without a doubt that he should not be here.  Meatloaf is bawling all over the place now…it should’ve been YOU.  America….I am very very very very disappointed.  This is totally ridiculous. 

Back to the girls, he makes Oprah stand and waits for about0.2 seconds before he says you’re safe, sit down.  I think we’re short on time now….Ringling Brothers is safe……because Seacrest seems to be rushing through that…..Seacrest makes Internet Star, Pretty in Pink and River walk to the middle of the stage and Antonella is SAFE?!?!?!?!  I am theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees close to throwing my stupid friggin laptop across the room.  You must be insane….America….clearly not smarter than a fifth grader!!!!  MORONS!!!  Those pictures really paid off…..so stupid.  And apparently men know how to use the telephone…..It’s Pretty in Pink, bye bye Molly.  She looks totally devastated.  And now the montage saluting all our losers.  Seacrest asks Simon about the voting, are the right people going home?  And Simon just laughs and says welllllllllll…not necessarily but this is America.  Oh, snap. 

Everybody is disappointed….but you know what, we get to listen MY American Idol….mysterious cool rocker dude singing the losers off the stage.  By the way, if anyone wants to borrow that CD……<smile>……the only highlight of the night.

Oh.  And one more thing gators.   Live every week like its Shark Week.  <smile>

<sigh>

Later,

Heather

Hello American Idol Pretenders,

I think Seacrest is wearing the exact same suit and jeans from last night.  The Hubby is completely hooked to the TV set tonight….I think….it might….have something to do with Beach Girl……maybe.  Seacrest introduces the ladies and then the judges.  Randy is wearing some paisley disaster shirt….Paula thinks the girls look gorgeous…..and Simon has his very favorite grey shirt on.  Ryan is doing our fifth grade math for us, explaining that two girls and two guys are going home this week.  Ok, let’s get to it.

First up is Tattoo Girl (Gina) and she’s dedicating her song to her boyfriend.  She’s wearing s very pretty red dress to match her hair.  I kind of like this song (Heart)….the back-up singers don’t sound that good.  She’s very pitchy….so Randy better say that.  Randy liked it….and Paula liked it.  <sigh>….ok, Simon?  Simon liked the song and her vocals were forced and Simon says he doesn’t understand who she is…..he thought she was edgier.  She tells her boyfriend to vote for her and Seacrest says your boyfriend needs to propose.

The Cryer is singing now and she’s dedicating her song tonight to mommy.  She had a lot of really nice things to say about mommy who is bawling her eyes out in the audience.  She’s singing the Dixie Chicks song that won them all those Grammys and unfortunately, she’s not singing it as well as they did….but this girl is cute……she just needs to get some picture on the internet and she’ll be around for a while.  Anyway, I didn’t think it was all that great.  Randy says ok, well, listen….he thought it was pitchy.  He thought it was a mess.  Paula says it was a little but off and it was probably hard to hear from where you’re standing.  Simon said it was like Randy running a 100 meter race….you ran out of steam halfway through the song.  Is she crying yet?  Come on Alaina, squeeze out a few tears.

Oprah is singing now and she’s dedicating her song to her grandma, who is apparently in love with Seacrest.  Midnight train to Georgia.  LaKisha, darling, forget this show.  You could be making millions already.  Nothing else to say really, this lady is fascinatingly good.  Randy thought it started off rough, but she turned it around immediately.  Paula says I loved it and I love you.  Cowell….likes her dancing <sarcastic>…..Simon is commenting on her outfit again….because there’s nothing else to comment on.  Yeah, she’s gonna win.

Dr. Doolittle is singing next and she is dedicating her song to her friends.  Finally.  Friends will get through this world people.  Be nice to them.  Funny Valentine.  Well….she can sing too.  I like this song and she is singing the hell out of it.  Kind of Billie Holiday.  Very nice.  I liked it a lot.  I liked Oprah more….but hey, it’s Oprah.  Randy said, this is a competition.  You came out to win.  So check it out.  That was hot.  Paula says <blah blah blah> stammer stammer stammer.  Simon says, THAT was incredible.  He’s giving Randy a look and clearly the look meant that, what’s wrong with you guys….he comments on how she humble is….and how refreshing it is that she has no idea how good she is….Seacrest likes her because she’s shorter than him.  Make sure to vote for this one, kiddies.  Don’t just assume people will vote for her.

And here she is….Beach Girl/Internet Star…..she’s got this horrific 1970’s wallpaper dress.  Seriously, green and awful.  She’s dedicating her song to her brother and she’s crying.  Good girl.  This is sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.  It’s off pitch.  It’s fast.  It’s flat.  It’s really really bad.  The judges are going to lay into her, without a doubt.  The Hubby keeps putting the TV on mute.  Yeah honey, there’s always Playboy…or Maxim.  Randy says on the positive side, you’re drop dead gorgeous, but it was all wrong.  Paula says less than one percent of the population can sing like Celine, but you were a lot better than last week.  Simon says most of the vocals weren’t good enough, he thought she was worst than last week.  The Hubby already has the phone in his hand.  It’s a 1-888 number honey….not a 1-900 number.

River (Jordin) is singing now….why these girls are really turning on the waterworks…and her dedication is to her brother too.  Huh.  This doesn’t sound too good.  I think she must be nervous.  She’s kind of all over the place.  Randy said some little pitchy moments…ok….come on Randy.  It was much worse than that.  But he likes her.  Paula said <blah blah blah> and you’re a good human being.  <sigh> Waste of tiiiiiiiiiiime Paula, she’s already crying.  Ok, now the Simon.  He says, not your best but great personality and great potential.  Daddy is crying too.  EVERYBODY’S CRYING.

The Pickle is going to be here tomorrow.  That is great.  Bobo is singing next (Stephanie) and she swears that the girls are all getting along.  Her dedication goes to her parents for making her tryout.  Pretty dress.  What is up with the timing?  I don’t think they can hear the music?  She’s not with the beat.  Argh!!  This is frustrating.  I like her voice, and a very nice ending.  Randy said you’re hot, sag your face off, it was too much of a copy of Beyonce.  Paula said, you’re wrong Randy, it was fantastic.  Simon says….I have to agree…..with Paula.  He says, terrific.  He is trying to influence the voting.  The Cowell has spoken. 

Pretty in Pink is singing now (Leslie) and she is dedicating her song to Grandpa Bob.  Dead Grandpa Bob.  Oh geez….she took a hint from the boys.  It’s sweet and he reminds me of my grandpa….so no more cracks.  Let’s hear what she sings.  She remixed this song a bit, picked up the pace.  I don’t like it as much.  Then she starts this weird scatting in the middle of the song that sounded more like blubber blubber blab blab.  Randy said pitchy, but he liked the beginning.  He liked the jazz, but that’s it.  Paula says, I love you.  Simon thought the blub blub sounded like Paula talking…..AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…..

And Simon says people are going to forget you.  Simon says there were four raspberry ripples tonight, and that was a vanilla.  And then Paula goes, you’re frozen sour pickly juice and I would never drink that. 

Ringling Brothers is singing now (Haley with her big earrings and crimped hair), and she’s dedicating her song to her fiancée.  Fun song.  She’s kind of dancing.  By the way, Kelly green is a totally disgusting color.  It was……..ok.  Not very exciting.  The fiancée is there, though.  Randy said you had a good time, didn’t you.  Randy said there were more background parts than lead vocal parts.  Paula said much better than last week and we got to see your personality.  Simon says A for effort.  A bit manic, verging on insane.  Now she’s crying.  Simon, you made her cry!!!  Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Our closer for the night is Chia Pet (Sabrina Sloan) is dedicating her song to her Grammy (Freudian slip?)….Grammy is sick….and here she goes….CRYING.  I like this girl.  I think she’s very pretty and has a very nice voice.  She may even be number 3 behind Oprah and Doolittle.  Kind of yelling, but a nice strong voice.  And some serious lung power.  Randy liked it, but a little pitchy and he says she’s got a big ol’ voice.  Paula said fantastic.  Simon says very good, he thought it was kind of shouting, don’t pick a Whitney song……but you’ll be back next week.

And that does it for the night, kiddies.  So, my vote for the biggest losers of the week is – Pretty in Pink and the Internet Star.  So long losers.  I’m sure you’ll have long prosperous careers doing…….something else.  <smile>

Stay tuned for the Pickle!!!

Later gators,

Heather