Skinny people rule the world. 

You’ve seen all the commercials for diet pills and shakes and workouts and books and online cults, I mean groups.  Stress makes you fat.  Because you eat when you’re stressed.  Right?  Because a little bit of stress makes you lose all control over your senses, and you start stuffing food into your face like a zombie.  Right?  Yeah, pretty much.  Stress is defined as physical, mental or emotional strain or tension.  That covers just about everything that is ever going to happen to you.  But here’s an idea.  Just like bad cholesterol, there is bad stress.  And stress that makes you eat gallons of ice cream is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  But I stipulate that there is good stress too.  Stress that makes you forget to eat completely.  That is goooooooooooooooooooooooooood stress.  You read articles every other day – eggs are good, eggs are bad, wine is good, wine is bad, smoking is good, smoking is bad.  Well.  Maybe not the last one, but you get the idea.  I read an article just a few days ago that said stress is not bad for all people, specifically stress can be good for women.  HA!  All these women who have been trying to lose weight by banishing stress from their lives, and it’s actually good for you!!  It’s like carbohydrates, ladies.  It won’t kill you to have a little.  Now, just stay with me for a little bit here, and I will explain the difference between bad stress and good stress in more detail.

Bad stress comes from things like having stupid kids or paying for college for your stupid kids.  It comes from having a deadline of any kind (you know, because that word is so cheery) or knowing you need to do an oral presentation in front of your class or your office.  Bad stress comes from dealing with those lying cheating stealing thieves on eBay saying they never got your package, and it comes from arguing about your cable bill with the stupid cable company.  Bad stress comes from seeing your neighbor park within inches of your car….every single day, or knowing that your flower bed is the suckiest one in the cul-de-sac because you always kill your tulips every single year without fail.  Bad stress causes a limited amount of anxiety and angst, it’ll make you snap at your husband or actually hit the horn in your car while you’re driving, or make faces at babies.  It’ll make you sigh in a very irritated overly dramatic way in the grocery store check out line when the nincompoop in front of you pulls out his checkbook and four hundred coupons.  It’ll give you high blood pressure, give you a receding hairline, and probably is a leading contributing factor to things like carpal tunnel syndrome and anything a chiropractor claims to be able to “fix”.  Bad stress happens all the time.  Many people feel like they can be less stressed by drinking or popping pills….but come on, that doesn’t actually get rid of the stress, it just makes you care less.  A lot of people get bad stress, only a select few are immune to it.  We call them psychopaths.  But you must avoid bad stress like the plague, because it’ll make you fat.  Just watch the infomercials, if you don’t believe me.  It will cause you to grow to massive proportions.  You will swell up just thinking about your in-laws coming over for dinner or having to face the neighbor who saw you naked through your bedroom window at the PTA meeting in a few hours.  Bad stress causes you to eat uncontrollably and usually without any thought to the eons you will have to spend on the stairmaster to counteract the four thousand chocolate eggs you just gobbled up.  This is a scientifically proven fact people.  Eating releases some kind of hormone that makes you feel better….or like a psychopath.  Now….to avoid bad stress is a relatively simple process.  And please note the careful selection of the word – simple.  Not easy.  Just simple.  Here’s what you need to avoid bad stress –

1. Unlimited supply of money
2. Adopt some kids from Mensa
3. A flying car
4. No conscience

Simple, right?  Now, in order for my diet craze to actually work, you must completely eradicate your life of bad stress.  This is an absolute necessity.  If this diet fails to work, it’s your own fault and you won’t get a refund. 

Now, I need to explain what good stress is in more detail and how to get as much of it into your life as possible.  Good stress is very close to anxiety, but it doesn’t really cause things like panic attacks.  It causes foodless, sleepless attacks.  And we’re all about that!!!  I have a theory that skinny people do not eat or sleep because they are plotting out their evil plans to conquer the world and rule over all of us plumpers.  That’s my theory, and it is obviously true because everybody in Hollywood is skinny.  Right?  Obvious.  So what could possibly cause you to lose sleep and not think about eating?  I have a list.  If you follow these next steps exactly, you too can lose 82 pounds in the next four days.  But what I need from you, gentle reader, is absolutely unmistakable attention to detail here.  If you stray in the least from my prescribed steps for stressing yourself out, then the diet will fail.  It will be your fault.  And no, there are no refunds when you fail.  Soooooo, details.  Pay attention.  First of all you need to get one of your relatives addicted to crack.  This will cause lots of good stress in your life.  Someone mentioned to me that actually being addicted to crack would be better because you don’t apparently eat when you’re on crack, but here’s the thing.  You look like s**t.  So, no crack.  Remember that.  Get one of your relatives, preferably a cranky uncle or bratty niece, addicted to crack.  They will steal money from you, show up at family gatherings wailing about how nobody ever helped them, require weekly interventions, need to be bailed out of jail, and generally drain your soul of all its life force.  This is an excellent start to getting some good stress into your life.  If your crack addict niece or uncle starts turning tricks to pay for their crack habit, all the better.  This will undoubtedly give you at least 6 to 8 days a month of no appetite and less than four hours of good sleep uninterrupted by nightmares of your crack whore niece propositioning your boss at the next holiday party. 

The next step to getting some good stress into your life is getting yourself an adjustable rate mortgage.  These are volatile and highly unpredictable little buggers and could very possibly have you evicted and out on the street in no time flat.  Because once those rates ‘adjust’ you’re looking at endless collections calls every twenty minutes at home and at work, and the prospect of moving back in with your parents or renting an apartment.  The American Dream of home-ownership is turning into more of an acid trip authored by Lewis Carroll.  Or, quite possibly because there does not appear to be any regulation whatsoever over mortgage brokers, someone could be stealing your identity as we speak and selling your house without you knowing until all your stuff is on the curb.  Or, if you’re a renter…the owner to your place could be foreclosed on and you’re out, or the “owner” of your place could just be collecting rent and not paying the mortgage until your place is foreclosed on and you’re out.  Think about this.  It's happening to everyone and by the time the government figures out what to do we'll all be roaming the streets.  Either way, being homeless is an excellent way to get some good stress in your life.  I would imagine it’s very difficult to get anything down your gullet after you’ve just swallowed being relocated against your will.  But again remember.  No crack.  Even if you’re homeless.  That’s important.  We have to lose weight the natural way people….and what could be more natural that unbearable amounts of agonizing stress?

The last step to making sure your life is miserable enough to prevent you from eating like a cow is, again, very simple.  Become a high profile politician and then become embroiled in some kind of front page scandal.  Experience has shown us time and again that this is an excellent way of ruining your career and all future money-sucking opportunities, and could even send you to jail (but not for very long).  The luxuriously comfortable life that you and your family has become accustomed to will come crashing down around you and you may find yourself homeless, and you family will become addicted to crack.  High profile politicians seem to have the most brilliantly dramatic falls from grace….although you may think that celebrities are much more prone to this kind of thing – keep in mind that celebrities welcome good press and bad press in equal doses and most importantly, celebrities are already thin and so the paparazzi, while flashing away cruelly in their faces, can at least say “she looked good in that dress before they hauled her off to the loony bin.”  Politicians on the other hand, become road kill.  They forget to shave, and to iron their shirts.  They’re a mess.  They show the very obvious signs of all the good kinds of stress that I have been talking about here.  And of course, it goes without saying that being incarcerated, even if for a short amount of time, is an excellent way to lose weight.  Sleeping is of course next to impossible in jail as you will be too scared to close your eyes, and your chances at eating will be quite infrequent as Bruno your cellmate will of course just take all the green bean casserole right off your lunch tray without even asking.  You will also have the wonderful opportunity to read about your brilliantly abysmal fall from grace in every national newspaper, and hear it talked about on every single one of the 8 thousand different news channels.  You will have ample opportunity to rue your bad choices and resent the pencil prick who turned you in….and ruing and resenting are also excellent ingredients for good stress.  So just a brief recap – successful well-known politician (don’t worry, you don’t need any special training for this), totally hypocritical headlining scandalous act to effect your immediate removal from your position of glory, preferably a criminal act so you end up in jail with Bruno, with lots of yard time for ruing and resenting. 

Three simple steps to get some good stress into your lives people.  It’s straightforward.  I guarantee it will work if you follow this plan exactly and do not deviate in the slightest (reminder – no crack).  There is no special food to buy, as that would defeat the purpose of losing weight.  There are no special groups to go to, because stepping on scales actually causes bad stress…..especially when you have to do it in front of a lot of other people.  There are no special and ridiculously expensive pills to take….we all know how to get caffeine into our lives.  If that is what you need, buy a can of beans and just chew on them.  Chew on some coffee grounds, right out of the can….you don’t even need to brew it.  But the best and least expensive way to lose weight is this easy formula.  Rid your life of the bad stress and get some good stress as soon as possible.  This is no fail people.  My new diet craze will be sweeping the nation as this recession – oh, I mean credit crisis, continues.  The silver lining to having no hope as a nation….is that we will all finally be skinny.  And skinny people rule the world.

Look for my new book released under the title The Stress Diet – How Misery Can Be the Path to a Sexier You! on sale for $49.95, hardbacks only.

Later gators,

Heather

It’s go time, people.  Time for the vote-off.  Time to crush someone’s dreams forever.  <evil grin>  I know I’ll go to hell for enjoying this so much…..but we’ll worry about that later.  Here’s Seacrest in his slick Reservoir Dogs black suit.  The DVR seemed to start late today, so I don’t know if he even said hello to our judges in the beginning.  He did talk about the song-writing competition.  Again.  I don’t think they should let Joe Public write a song for the finale…..those songs always suck.  Won’t don’t they have a professional write something….you know, something catchy.  So here are the top tenners, and they’re singing, something awful.  This is a preview of the summer Tour people.  I hope they get better before the end of the show.  Now we’re talking about iTunes and how that all works.  Apparently, the kiddies get to record full-length versions of their songs for iTunes…which is kind of cool if you liked the song in the first place.

But now let’s get down to business.  Ryan is bringing the kiddies out on stage one at a time, like he did last week.  You’re safe, you sit on the couch.  You’re in the bottom three, you sit on the uncomfortable stools.  Jacuzzi comes out first…..and…..what’s this?  He’s in the bottom three?  Well…I guess I’m not that surprised.  We are getting to the point where everybody in the bottom three won’t all be total losers.  And he knew he was going to be in the bottom…so I guess that makes it better.  Snow White comes out next, chats up Ryan, and finds out that she is safe.  Irish Carly comes out and informs us all that is not in fact pregnant, despite newscasts to the contrary.  She also informs us all that she was out of sorts the night before because she was stuffed and tucked into her outfit, to “make herself look thinner”.  <sigh>  Ladies, ladies.  I would love to be able to say that you should all be content to be happy in your own skin and beautiful people are confident people and all that nonsense.  But you’d know I was full of s**t if I said that, right?  Thin people rule the world.  Either because they don’t drop dead after walking up two flights of stairs, or because they have more time in the day to hatch their evil mastermind plans because they don’t eat or sleep.  Whatever the reason, they rule the world.  I have my own diet plan that I will share with you all at some other time, but for now, let’s get back to the show.  The Irish lassie is safe….but we all knew that too. 

This week’s exercise in the macabre, otherwise known as the Ford commercial, is set to ‘I Want You to Want Me’….which is oddly appropriate.  The kiddies have come to life on t-shirts and CD’s and posters…..and even though they’re trying really hard not to give me nightmares, it still gives me the eebie geebies, like they’re trapped in 2-D or something. 

Anyway, back to the chop.  Mickey Mouse is on the block and after he assures us all that Daddy dearest didn’t pick out his song, he gets to sit on the Safe Couch.  He’s starting to annoy me with the goofiness….like he has no personality.  Captain Cook comes out next and looks more smug than ever.  Apparently, Chris Cornell called and liked his cover of Cornell’s rendition of the Billie Jean song.  So he’s safe too.  Syesha comes out…..and….she’s in the bottom three!!!!  Are you kidding me?  She was awesome last night?  What is going on with you America?  She’s prettier and more talented than Horsey…this is ridiculous.  The Thunder comes out and admits that he’s glad to have gotten through the song last night because it was a big one, and he’s safe.  But we knew that.

Seacrest mentions that next week is Dolly Parton week.  Oh goody, that means country.  Which I like.  This is by far and away the Hubby’s least favorite week though….not a fan of the country music….at all.  But Dolly’s fun, don’t worry, you’ll like her.  Ewwwwwwwwwwww, ex idoler Constantino is in the audience with some other ex-idoler and he is STILL making oogey faces into the camera.  All I can think of is him falling flat on his face during the red carpet interview forever ago when his fifteen minutes were still running.  You dropped in the negative numbers on the cool scale from that Con Man.

Now it’s time for the Phone Call portion of the show and I won’t talk anymore about how stupid this is….question one – is Chikezie single?  Heehee.  Yes he is.  Question two – why did David sing the song he did?  He loved it, he loves the song, and daddy will beat me if I say anything else.  Question three – to Simon, how do I get Ryan’s job?  You don’t need to be talented in any way.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Question four – to Brooke, who would you sing a duet with?  John Mayer.  Nice.  Question five – for Simon, are you the most attractive person on the show, and why?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon is like, look, it’s not what I say, it’s what other people say.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  One more thing….I can’t help myself….I know I just said like three sentences ago that I wouldn’t complain about this anymore….but it’s a huge pet peeve….no heavy breathing into the phone please.  That’s so annoying and gross.  Take the phone away from your mouth if you’re having breathing problems.  We don’t need to hear it.  Ok?

Now it’s time for our guest performer of the week – Miss Kimberly Locke.  If you don’t remember, or are new to the show, Kimberly was on in Season Two.  This was pre-blog days so I don’t have a nickname for her.  She was in the final three with Clay Aiken (the sexless wonder) and Ruben Studdard (the cuddly teddy bear).  She came in third.  She released an album later that summer…which I don’t recall, so I guess it didn’t do that well.  And then she decided to open a restaurant, which is kind of cool.  And now she’s released another album.  Oh and she’s lost about forty pounds.  What was I saying before about thin people?  She looks fantastic.  Her song is called ‘Fall’, and it’s really pretty.

Now we’re talking about Idol Gives Back again and all the help people in the States got from the money that was donated.  They served 120 million meals to people, three more mobile medical units were put into operation, they helped kids learn how to read and provided emergency relief to various disaster sites.  <sigh>  Adorable kids.  Adorable and sad….kids’ll get you every time.  Idol Gives Back is on April 9^th.

Back to the vote off and now it’s mini-Julie’s turn to sweat it out.  But she is safe.  <sigh>  I think I’m losing my touch with this stuff….So it’s down to Dreadilocks and Horsey and I have no idea which way is up anymore.  Horsey is safe.  Her tactic of guilting us all into voting for America by not voting for her was brilliant and successful.  So the bottom three are Jacuzzi, Syesha and Dreads.  This is weird to me….because I thought a lot of people would go before any of them, like Ramielle.  And KRISTI (stupid votefortheworst.com).  So anyway after Dreads rambles on and on about how he had this feeling and he’s been nervous and blah blah blah….he is safe and sent back to the Couch.  Syesha and Chikezie.  Wow…..I don’t like this at all.  Simon tells Jacuzzi he needs to be a better performer.  And everyone, except Simon seems flummoxed by why Syesha is in the bottom two.  But we can’t all be winners, can we?  If you don’t believe me, take a look at my NCAA tournament bracket….<sigh>.  Jacuzzi is going home, Syesha is safe.  You got it wrong again, America.  I mean…..come ON.  Ramielle?  Kristi?  COME ON!

Say thank you to the judges, to the band and to us for watching.  And thanks to Exxon Mobile for the gobs of money you’re giving us.  Say goodnight Ryan.  Goodnight Ryan.

Later gators,

Heather

The top tenners are singing tonight.  And the Caps are playing for the playoffs.  The Caps always seem to be playing when American Idol is on.  Alex Ovechkin can set a new single season Caps record for goals tonight if he gets one.  We also really need to beat Carolina.  But anyway….enough with hockey for now.  It’s time…..for American Idol.  <grin>  Ryan is so dramatic, in his brown and tan suit tonight and his spikey hair.  The top tenners have made it to the illustrious tour positions.  That’s exciting, I guess.  The crowd is acting a little nutty tonight….too much caffeine, I think.  Say hello to Ricky and the Band.  And say hello to our judges – Randy in a slick black bowling shirt, Paula looking weirdly out of place in her glitter dress and black elbow length gloves, and Simon in his ‘sexy’ grey v-neck.  And here are the kiddies, looking fun and relaxed.  And then Ryan tells us what tonight is.  Tonight is the night I dread every season.  Tonight…………..the songs they will sing……………….are from the Year They Were Born.  <long pause>……….<even longer pause>………why does American Idol do this to me?  Just slap me in the face and tell me how ancient I am, and get it over quick.  That would be better than listening to how many of these whippersnappers were born in the………….80’s………..or, oh dear Jesus, the NINETIES!!!!  I want to cry already, but lucky for you people, I pulled myself together, took a deep breath and waited to hear what year of high school I was in when these kids were born.

So first up tonight is mini-Julie.  And she was born in…..1987.  <shudder>  She was born in Saudi Arabia and she used to bite people.  Well.  That’s very interesting Ramielle.  Thanks for sharing that with us.  So she’s singing Heart’s ‘Alone’.  I love this song…..but then I would because I can actually remember hearing this on the radio.  She’s got a cute little 80’s outfit on…..retro….<sigh>.  You know, she really does have a great voice….but this is a little pitchy….and a little screamy.  Randy mentions that she’s a little sick, and he’s a little sick.  And apparently being sick has made him meaner because he totally slams the performance.  Paula says she’s glad America has gotten the chance to hear Ramielle.  I have no idea what she was trying to say….Paula is apparently in one of her stuttering pluttering moods tonight.  Simon says he didn’t think it was as bad as Randy thought it was….which gets a huge uproar from the crowd.  He called it shrieky and shouty, but if last week’s performance got you through, you’ll definitely make it through this week.  Which sounded more like a criticism of America’s retarded voting efforts than praise of Ms. Malubay. 

Singing next is Dreadilocks.  He was born in 1987 too and tonight is his birthday.  So he’s like what, twelve?  Ok ok ok…..I am totally overreacting about my age.  I am still very young.  Age is a state of mind.  Blah blah blah.  I feel like complaining, so I’m going to complain.  Anyway, Dreads is singing ‘Fragile’ by Sting.  Hmmmm….Sting is very difficult to sing (hey, I’m rhyming….hahahahahahahahaha), he has such a unique voice.  So here he is again with the guitar and the same look and his pretty voice and it’s all a little boring.  I guess because it’s the same thing we’ve seen every single week.  Randy loved the song, said it wasn’t different, but nice.  Paula said basically the same thing….I am not going to attempt to transcribe the blubbery that was coming out of her mouth.  Simon thinks Dreads has had two bad weeks, he needs to take this more seriously, he said it was like someone outside a subway station singing for change.  I think that was supposed to be a wake-up call….but Dreads strikes me as the kind of person who doesn’t take anything very seriously…..I’m not sure he can muster up enough animated energy to even act like he cares.  That’s ok, the girls still love those eyes.

Syesha is singing now and she was born in 1987….too.  <sigh>  She was born on January 2^nd, the same day as the Hubby (not the same year, evil smirk) which makes her a Capricorn.  Apparently she was a crybaby when she was a baby and then she does that creepy baby crying sound again.  That is really disturbing to me.  She is singing ‘If I Were Your Woman’.  This is beautiful.  I mean this is really, really beautiful.  This may be the best she has sounded.  Randy thinks so and calls it unbelievable, he’s shocked.  Paula said this was the moment for you, fantastic.  Simon said this was the best so far….and then just to keep her head on straight, he says the end wasn’t as good as everyone thinks.  Ok.  Thanks Simon.  Thanks for bringing us all back down to Earth with a crashing thump.  He’s such a killjoy. 

Next up is Chikezie and he was born in 1985.  At least we’re moving in the right direction.  He talks about growing up with Nigerian parents in America…remember everyone mispronounces his name….remember?  Even after he told us all how to say it…..we insist on saying it wrong.  How American is that?  <smile>  So anyway, he’s singing ‘If Only For One Night’.  This is nice.  He has a great voice.  What’s up with the weird light blobs on stage….did anyone else notice that?  They were like little blobs of orange light floating around in the background….huh…..very distracting.  At least to old farts like me.  So Jacuzzi sounds better when he’s belting out the song at the top of his lungs.  Randy thought it sounded old-fashioned.  Um Randy….blow it out your butt.  There is NOTHING from the 80’s that sounds old……………right?  <whine>  He calls it boring.  Paula called him a throwback, but great.  Simon said you sang it well, but it was cheesy.  And the producers start to play the send off music over him and he starts yelling to shut it!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon always gets what he wants.  So he sends us off by telling Jacuzzi to show some more originality. 

Snow White is singing now and she was born in 1983.  Ok.  Ok.  She’s singing the Police ‘Every Breath You Take’.  I love this song.  But you already knew that, didn’t you?  Oh my, she messed up and started over!!!  That may be a first.  She’s singing and playing at the piano…..barefoot……….again.  She’s got a great voice.  Very pretty.  Randy calls the song an interesting choice, he didn’t like the end, it was just ok.  Paula says it was better than last week, this is your niche.  Simon agreed she should have played the whole song without the band and not let them come in in the middle.  He said the first half was fantastic, better than last week, enough to stay around.

Seacrest is telling us we can design a Coke cup.  Is there absolutely nothing American Idol will not try to sell me?  I mean seriously. 

I voted for design one.

Michael Johns is singing next and he was born in 1978.  I knew I liked him.  At least we’re in the right decade now.  He’s a Libra, which apparently means he’s well balanced.  And competitive.  He’s singing Queen – We Will Rock You and Champions.  Hmmm….he sang some Freddie Mercury before….so this might work.  And it’s totally kick ass awesome.  It really is.  I like that…for the first time in a long time….I liked what he sang!!  The audience is going crazy.  Randy said finally, the best performance on the entire show for you.  Paula said it was the right song, your shining moment.  And Simon said it was the first time he saw star potential…..and then he called it the only memorable performance of the night.  Wow.  The Thunder from Down Under really needed that.  I hope that keeps him in…..

Irish Carly is up next and she was born in 1983.  She was named after Carly Simon.  <pause>  It’s a good thing Kajagoogoo wasn’t playing on the radio….huh?  So she’s singing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ by Bonnie Tyler.  And she’s singing it exactly how it always sounds.  She has a really great voice….the Hubby cringed on the last note, but I didn’t hear it go off key.  Randy liked it, he didn’t love it, he called it just ok.  Paula said, what’s wrong with you Randy?  And then she said something else and I just don’t have the energy for her anymore.  Simon said something just wasn’t quite working, you were too tense, you need to lighten up and he said the last note was off too.  And then Carly said something about going to the bathroom before she sang when Ryan asked her if she felt like she needed to lighten up…..which I assume was supposed to be a joke about taking a crap to lighten up.  Hmmmmm….toilet humor.  First of all, I’m not sure anyone got it, including Seacrest.  Second, I think she regretted saying it as soon as it came out of her mouth.  Third, what does she think this is?  A bar?  A tattoo parlor?  Oh wait………..nevermind.  <smile>

Mickey Mouse is singing now and I almost don’t even want to hear this.  1990.  He was born in 1990.  Nineteen NINETY!!!  That’s when he was born.  And then he says….”when I was a little kid….”  Are you kidding me?  Are you seriously trying to tell me you’re not a little kid?  Come on….I know you all think I’m overreacting about the whole age thing and all….but even you old fogeys have to admit that is pretty friggin ridiculous.  I have no idea what he’s singing….I could never understand what Ryan was saying.  This song doesn’t even sound familiar….the Hubby thinks he’s heard it.  It’s ok, he’s kind of all over the place….but maybe it just sounds that way because I don’t know the song.  Randy said it was a strange song choice, but he loved it.  ???? ok.  Paula said you could sing the phone book and we would love it.  Simon said it was like a theme park performance, like you should have been singing with animated creatures, a ghastly song.  And then he said, I’d be amazed if you picked that song yourself.  Huh.  Very interesting comment, especially considering we recently saw on TMZ that little David has one of those horrific stage dads.  Very very interesting. 

Horsey is up next.  She was born in 1984.  I feel sorry for anyone born in this year because all I can think of is Big Brother.  And no….I don’t mean the reality show.  And listen to what lovely Kristy had to say – she remembers being two.  Yeah.  Because it was like fifteen minutes ago you TODDLER!!  Ahem.  So anyway, she is singing ‘God Bless America’ by Lee Greenwood and immediately the Hubby goes “She’s cheating.”  I agree.  Who can vote against such a great song….because that’s what you’d be doing you know.  You would be anti-America, unpatriotic, communist traitor if you voted for her now.  I hope none of you did.  She doesn’t really have the lung capacity for this song….because she’s not that great a singer…..but still.  If you love America, you have to not vote her out.  Randy said it’s a very nice song, you were a little pitchy.  Paula said nice song choice.  And Simon said your best performance by a mile, and one of the most clever song choices I’ve ever heard.  That’s right….she’s very tricky this one.

Last up for the night is Captain Cook.  He was born in 1982.  <sigh>  He’s singing someone else’s version of Billie Jean.  I like the MJ version…and I didn’t catch what band sang it this way.  For some reason I just can’t hear Ryan tonight…..must be getting old.  I’ll be that person in the room who has to crank up the volume to a really uncomfortable level….the one who’s always yelling WHAT in your face.  Yep.  That’ll be me.  So anyway, this is a really nice song.  I like this.  A lot.  I mean, a lot a lot.  Randy called him the most original, the most bold, blazin molten hot.  Paula tells us she can’t sit down, probably because she has to pee, and she tells Cook she’s thinks he’s brilliant.  Simon said that was very brave, it could have been insane or amazing, and that was amazing.  I agree, by far and away my favorite of the night.  I like him, even if he is smug.

Seacrest thanks the judges and the band, tells us Kimberly Locke is singing for us tomorrow.  And we’re done.  The Caps won, but they won in overtime and if you don’t know how hockey is scored….then I’m not gonna take the time to explain it.  Ovechkin got his 61^st goal of the season, setting the record for the Caps.  We still may make the playoffs….maybe.  Also, congrats to the lady Terps for their win and advancement to the sweet 16. 

Later gators,

Heather

Survivor was on last night, because of the NCAA tournament....I hope you all were paying attention.  That's ok if you weren't.  I've got it all here.  We start off this week at Malarkey and Boob announces she thinks they should kill a chicken.  For the protein.  Now….I wasn’t all that good at science, and clearly from my bowling ball shaped physique, you can imagine I don’t pay that much attention to what I eat…..but I am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure that eggs have protein too.  Give the chickens a chance!!!  One day and no eggs….man….it’s like that kooky movie Chicken Run – “I don’t want to be a pie!”  Heehee.  Boob accuses Ozzie of hording the chickens so he has more to himself once everyone else is voted off….and he’s like there’s a whole pot of crabs there…..what else do you want?  Here’s something else that I may be totally off base about….didn’t they already eat the rooster?  Which came first – the chicken or the egg……………..or the rooster.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

So anyway, Boob is gunning for Ozzie now because he wouldn’t let her ax a chicken.  Hell hath no fury.  Ozzie needs to be careful…..this is exactly where he gets himself in trouble.  Over with the Airheads and a rainy night, spent restlessly wallowing around a dirty stinky cave has left the girls all whiney and Cutey Pie is going out of his mind.  <smile>  He’s like – it’s Survivor, what did you expect?  <chuckle>  Back at Malarkey, which must be in a time rift like the Oceanic flight 815, because their beach is sunny and warm.  Ozzie is teaching the Scooper how to get coconuts out of a tree.  And Cirie is totally making fun of them both….she says it’s like the Lion King and Ozzie is the proud papa, and Erik is totally infatuated with him, stardust comes out of his mouth every time he says Ozzie’s name, if Ozzie proposed, the Scooper would accept.  Ok Cirie….we get it.  So now Ozzie thinks they should move the boat to the other side of the beach because the fishing is better there, and then when they’re out in the middle of the ocean, he decides he wants to fish at the reef because they’re already so close and Cirie is not happy.  Not happy at all.  She doesn’t swim well, and despite Ozzie trying to put her at ease, she is not happy and now SHE wants him to go too.  OZZIE – wake up!!!  You’re in trouble!!!

So it’s time for the Reward Challenge.  Four people are blindfolded and have to roll these big stone wheel thingies through a course to smash stones to get puzzle pieces.  They are directed by one of their own, and then once they smash all the stones to get all the puzzle pieces…..they have to put the puzzle together.  Reward is an Herbal Essence spa package.  Nice.  I’m sure they need it by now.  So Cirie is directing Malarkey and Eliza is directing the Airheads.  Cirie can’t seem to get it into her head when she is facing her team, her left isn’t their left.  It’s kind of ridiculous listening to her screaming at them to go left…..when she means right.  <smile>  But, in the end Malarkey wins.  For the first time in a long time.  They pick Jason to go to Exile from the Airhead team, and then Ozzie says – Boob, why don’t you take one for the team?  <chuckle>  Ok, so maybe he does know she's plotting against him and wants to get her out of the picture for a little while.  Or he’s being totally oblivious and letting her resentment toward him build up even more…..but it doesn’t matter because they're off to the spa treatment. 

By spa treatment, I of course simply mean a shower and snacks.  Nothing special.  But to them it must feel like a dream.  And poor Scooper has never even been on a reward before, so he’s all wide eyed excitement.  Ozzie takes a shower with Amanda and Ami and Cirie is all – Ozzie’s over there in between naked boobs!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ami could care less, and I have a feeling he’s already seen Blurry Butt’s boobs….but poor Scooper is again all wide eyed excitement. 

Over with the Airheads and they have to spend another night in the stinky cave with mice and bats and creepy crawlies.  <shiver>  That’s gross.  In the morning, Crazy Lady is quite despondent.  I feel kind of sorry for her, but she’s made it so far!!  Why would you quit now!!!  After you’ve been through all this!!  Do these people know they’re playing for a million dollars?  Seriously?  So….she’s bawling to the tribe that she has to go home, they sort of try to talk her out of it, but not really.  Jeffy poo comes out to the island and is asking her what’s up, and she says ‘I can’t feel my family.’ And I don’t really know what she means by that…but hey, she is crazy.  So Jeffy is like, well let’s go.  The Airheads are down another player….and they’ve been winning immunity.  Almost doesn’t seem fair.

Back at Malarkey and Cirie (the real threat) is in Blurry Butt’s ear about the Oz Man.  Blurry Butt is like, yeah I just noticed how arrogant he is…so because he’s taken the Scooper under his wing, the girls talk about getting rid of poor little Erik.  <shaking my head>.  These women are brutal cutthroat players.  I love it!!  Time for the Immunity Challenge.  Malarkey, and the exiles, get to see the new Airheads team.  Jeffy explains that Kathy quit and everybody is like, eh whatever.  For the challenge they have to pull a rope out into the ocean over these plank bridges and attach it to a package of puzzle pieces and then get pulled back to shore with the package and go back out like four more times.  Once they have all their puzzle pieces, different people untie them and put the puzzle together.  So Ozzie and Eliza are going out first for their teams.  Of course Ozzie gets there first and gives Malarkey a lead right off the bat….and then he goes out again.  He’s amazing.  He really is…riding the puzzle pieces like a boogie board according to Jeffy poo.  He does hand the reins over to the Scooper for a turn, but then immediately goes back out himself.  The Airheads aren’t really that far behind though thanks to Cutey Pie and his massive muscles pulling his tribe mates in practically by himself.  Blurry Butt and Cirie are attempting the puzzle for Malarkey and Our Fair Lady and Jason are doing the puzzle for the Airheads.  Listen, Miss Doolittle is probably the best puzzle solver that has ever been on this show.  I know I’ve been talking Ozzie up as the greatest Survivor ever…and he is….but Miss Doolittle is a force to be reckoned with.  Puzzle solving skills are about as important as swimming skills, and that comes into perfect focus during this challenge as Blurry Butt and Cirie struggle with their puzzle.  Doolittle sees her puzzle and starts ordering Jason to drag this piece here and that piece there. (the pieces look heavy so having a guy for the Airheads was probably a good call).  The Airheads win.  Again.  Poor Ozzie, I really do feel badly for him.  He works so hard to give his team the lead….and they just continue to blow it for him.  I think Chet has hexed them…I really do.

So anyway, back at their beach and Blurry Butt is apologizing for being such a loser.  Ozzie is like whatever (but you know it bothers him) and then he says, we should vote out Boob next.  I think probably he wants to keep the Scooper around because 1. He likes the kid, and 2. He really wants to win a challenge.  But Ami has other plans.  She needs Boob to get further in the game, so she comes up with this totally brilliant plan to blindside Ozzie.  Let me see if I can explain this.  Let Ozzie think they’re all going to vote for Boob, so he’ll vote for her.  Tell Blurry Butt and Cirie that you’d be willing to vote for the Scooper, because they think he’s the bigger threat, so they'll vote for Erik.  And THEN have Ami, Boob and Scooper all vote for Ozzie.  He would never see it coming.  And he really wouldn’t.  It’s a great plan.  But then the Scooper doesn’t want to vote out Ozzie because he knows that would be the death of their tribe.  Blurry Butt is not so sure about ending her alliance/relationship with Ozzie so soon (I’d be reluctant too!!) and Ami is even second-guessing her decision to break the alliance she had with the other Favorites.  So I guess this is the way they make it dramatic in the end.

Time for Tribal Council.  Jeffy poo is like why are you guys such losers?  Boob says that Ozzie is their leader and he decides who does what and when and how.  Ozzie looks baffled...and tries to play it off like he’s oblivious of his power.  <shaking my head>  This doesn’t sound good.  Scooper, of course, supports his new idol.  While Ami talks about planning for the long term in the game.  AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!  He doesn’t see it coming!!  He doesn’t see it coming!!  Ozzie, play the idol!! Play the IDOL!!  Ozzie tells everyone that he knows he’s a threat, but he’s loyal and he will take his alliance to the end.  I don’t know if that’s enough Oz Man….I just don’t know.  It’s time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person being voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Boob gets the first vote (which is the one we saw Ozzie write down), and Ozzie gets the second vote (which is the one we saw Boob write down), and then Boob gets the rest of the votes.  <sigh of relief>  That was close….maybe not as close as it seemed….but close.  How about the Oz Man for holding onto that immunity idol!!  How about his alliance sticking with him!!  And how about the Favorites!  They’re up seven to four over the Fans.  Impressive, not surprising, but impressive.

Ok Ozzie, time to get rid of Cirie.  She’s going to chop those legs right out from under you if you’re not careful.  The Airheads are totally hopeless, but if she makes it to the merge, Doolittle is going to be a force to be reckoned with, guaranteed.

Later gators,

Heather

It’s time people, time to find out who made it to the top ten.  Here’s Ryan in yet another spiffy suit.  I guess because they’re on the big stage now, he has to dress up every night, huh?  All of our judges are wearing black tonight, their evening attire.  <smile>  Seacrest is telling us who some of the ‘mentors’ are going to be this season and I assume when he says mentor, he means these are the songs we’re going to be forcing the kiddies to choose from this season – Dolly Parton, Mariah Carey, Neil Diamond and Andrew Lloyd Webber.  Wow….that’s a pretty crazy selection of music.  Then Ryan tells us about the songwriter competition, and whoever wins gets their song sung at the finals….which feels like another way for the show to get away with doing less work….doesn’t it?  Kind of lazy, actually.  So anyway, here are all the kiddies dressed up and looking sick to their stomachs.  They’re singing in the Group Song Debacle of the Week.  Why do they sound so terrible….is no one teaching them how to harmonize together?  Do they just not have time for that?  I mean, I know this is supposed to be practice for The Tour and all that….but come on…..it’s atrocious.  <smile>

Back from the first of what I can absolutely feel is going to be 12 million commercials tonight and we’re recapping last night, which you people shouldn’t need if you read this blog….so let’s get to it.  Seacrest calls the kiddies out onto the stage one at a time.  If you’re safe, you get to sit on the plush comfortable couches on stage left and if you’re not safe, you have to sit on the uncomfortable Jetsons stools on stage right.  So Snow White comes out first and after chit chatting with Ryan about how she knew she didn’t do that good, etc etc etc, Ryan says, well relax you’re safe.  And then he tells her where on the couch to sit.  Wow…he really dragged that one out.  Seems so cruel to make them squirm like that, doesn’t it?  Irish Carly is next and I shouldn’t even have to say it – but…..hold on…..did he just say……BOTTOM 3?!?!?!?  Am I in the twilight zone?  What the hell is going on here?  Mickey Mouse comes out next and yeah he’s safe, whatever…I’m still reeling over Carly.  Thunder comes out next and HE'S safe and now I know I am in the twilight zone because how can that possibly be the case?

Commercial #981.  Back to see the creepy Ford commercial and just to make it weirder they show us the kiddies shooting the ad…..happy happy joy joy.  It’s supposed to be them making a movie, 50’s style to the immortal Clash song ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’…<shaking my head>  I know this will always be a part of the show….but seriously….it’s creepy.  Kind of Ed Wood horror….right?  Anyway back to the vote off.

Captain Cool is in the top ten.  Top tenner, as Ryan keeps calling it.  Horsey….had better be….and she is – in the bottom 3.  Dreadilocks is in the top ten, no surprise.  And Ramielle?  With the sweaty hands?  She’s in the top ten too. 

After Commerical #5,277 we get to hear some of the viewer calls.  This is such a lame idea.  This is why I don’t listen to talk radio.  Viewers/listeners are always so retarded.  Anyway, the first question is for Simon – why do you spend so much money on cars and nothing on clothes?  <chuckle>  Ok, I admit it, that was pretty funny.  Simon says, how rude!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  She’s implying I look like crap!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then he says, well unlike some people on this show, I don’t have an ego.  Which is HI-larious in its absurdity and to which Ryan responds, you’re insulting Paula.  And then Simon says, I wasn’t talking about Paula.  And Ryan looks annoyed.  Oh….they play it so cool don’t they?  The next question is about The Kiss between Paula and Simon and they want to know if Simon would film a sequel….and he’s like….hell YES!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then he looks at Paula and goes, you’re a good kisser.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  She may have blushed, I don’t know.  The next two questions are for the kiddies and they’re waaaaaaaaaaaaay stupider.  Someone wants to know what Ramielle downloaded onto her iPod and someone wants to know if this whole experience is everything Michael thought it would be….<sigh>…..WHO CARES!!!  Talk to Simon more, that was fun.

Now we’re back and this is by far and away the highlight of the night.  It’s time for The Pickle – Miss Kellie Pickler to sing.  She was a contestant from Season 5, for those of you who don’t know.  And she’s hysterical.  She had so many quotable one-liners and ridiculous comments during and after the show.  I just loved her.  Anyway, she’s country, very country and she’s singing ‘Red High Heels’ for us tonight.  She looks absolutely amazing by the way.  She’s tiny without looking skinny, the Hubby swears she has new boobs (he keeps track of things like that), and she’s wearing a really pretty red dress.  The song is kind of silly, but a lot of country songs are – she sells it though.  She’s got confidence and poise on stage and her voice sounds great.  She sings right to Simon after terrifying me with the walk down the steps in those ridiculously high heels.  Simon is totally mesmerized by her.  When she gets to Randy, he’s practically looking her up and down.  It was a great performance, but then Ryan didn’t let her talk afterwards, it was right back to commercial.  ARGH!!  That’s one of the best parts about her…let her say something completely dumb!!  Come ON!! 

We’re back after Commercial #14,367 and Ryan is talking about Idol Gives Back and where did all the money go that we donated last year?  So Eliot (Dumbo Ears) Yamin and Fantasia go to Angola to give away mosquito nets (over eight million, which I assume they didn’t do by themselves…).  Fantasia sings a little and a woman named her newborn son after Eliot because it is tradition to name your newborn after a visitor in the land.  The tradition is kind of cool, but of course Eliot is not and he gets all weepy about it.  <sigh>  Ryan tells us that Billy Crystal, Robin Williams and Dane Cook are going to be making an appearance for this year’s show.  Nice.  I like Dane Cook….good story teller….which all comedians should be. 

We’re down to the last few kiddies now.  Syesha is a top tenner.  So that leaves Amanda and Chikezie.  This sucks.  I don’t think either one of them should be in the bottom three….but then….we’re getting to that point.  We’re getting there though, we’re not there yet.  Michael should at least be in the bottom instead of Carly.  So anyway, because you - America hate me, Chikezie is safe and our cool rocker chick is in the bottom three.  <sigh>  Well, at least it’s obviously going to be Horsey going home…..right?

We’re never going to find out, because AI has to show us another 4 million commercials first.  When the show finally comes back on, we find out that Carly is safe and she is obviously relieved.  But, we knew that.  No surprise.  So say goodbye Kri- hang on.  She’s SAFE?  Amanda is going HOME?  <long pause>  Bulls**t.  The only upside to this ridiculous voting fiasco is that now the rocker nurse doesn’t have to be in the stupid tour all summer, and instead can get going on her own album.  But it’s still crap.  She gets to sing one more time, and the band messed up!!!  Did you hear that!!!  Ricky, I’m surprised at you.  Amanda gave him a look like, don’t mess this up for me jackass.  Heehee.  Man….that’s really too bad.  I liked her.

So we have a few more sacrificial lambs to vote off the island before we get down to the nitty gritty I guess.  I didn’t hear what they’re doing next week because the Hubby of course immediately deleted the recording.  We had Survivor to watch last night too, which is weird I know, but the b-ball tourney is starting today people.  We have to be ready to covertly watch all the games on our laptops while we pretend to work.  <wink>

Later gators,

Heather

The top eleven are singing tonight, more Beatles tonight…because last week was so good….or because they couldn’t come up with a better idea.  Heehee.  Here’s Ryan, dressed in all black with his messy hair.  Welcome Ricky and the Band.  Hello Band.  And here are the kiddies, all dressed up and ready to go.  And here are the judges.  Randy is wearing a blue sweater thingy and apparently he’s tired because he’s already yawning.  Paula is wearing a glittery gold thing.  And Simon?  Simon is in his faithful white t-shirt.  Randy says the kiddies need to pick the right songs….<pause>….good advice Dawg.  Paula says people with gumption will take more risks and some of those risks will pay off….<pause>…..and then Seacrest asks ‘Mr. Gumption’ if this is a talent competition or a popularity contest.  Mr. Cowell says it’s 50-50.  And then he says the kiddies have to sing well to impress him……<pause>…..am I losing my mind or is this painfully painfully pointless pratter at the beginning of the show?  Anyway, now since most of the tweeners in the audience don’t know, American Idol introduces us to the Beatles.  Oh dear Jesus….there are people on this planet who don’t know who the Beatles are?  I feel like the crypt keeper.

Now we jump right into the singing.  Wow, that’s great considering this is a two hour show still….we get a little more filler this week so I was assuming that would mean 7 million commercials.  But apparently, we’re saving that for later.  The kiddies are supposed to tell us their most memorable moments from the show so far.  I’m sorry, but I wasn’t really listening to this.  The Hubby is jabbering away over on his sofa talking about the Caps, who are playing at the same time, and Ovechkin and their probable showing in the playoffs, etc etc.  He’s making it very difficult to concentrate, until I shush him.  <evil grin>  Hubbies, in general, do not appreciate getting shushed.  And my Hubby, while being totally annoyed at this, is not deterred and simply starts talking to the Pumpkin instead.  <sigh>  Good to know he’ll have a conversational companion if I die before the cat does….so anyway, our cool rocker chick is singing ‘Back in the USSR’.  Nice.  This is a great rocker song.  Her hair is down, she’s wearing a cool denim vest thing and jeans.  She looks awesome.  She absolutely loves being on that stage.  She doesn’t have the best voice on this show by far, but I like it.  I’d buy an album.  She’s fun to watch, and she’s different.  Randy loved the song, he said it was a little pitchy in the beginning, he gives it a 7 out of 10.  Paula says she is quintessentially authentic in who you are.   I have no idea how to translate anything Paula says anymore.  She sounds like she is communing with aliens.  Simon called it predictable and a bit of a mess in parts.  He says she needs to surprise them, or she might be boring.  Someone suggested she sing a ballad or something, and Amanda goes, Ballads are boring!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Then she says, look, I have a minute forty to show people what I’ve got and what they would see if they came to one of my shows.  I want to give them something fun and exciting.  Simon is chuckling and he says, you’re not selling any tickets yet, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  And Amanda goes, hey, even if it’s just to sell out a bar in Lafayette.  <smile>  I like her.  No apologies.  She is who she is. 

Next up is the Horse Whisperer, or how I have been referring to her for the past week or so - The Next One to Go.  She has her photo albums and she’s showing Ryan and this is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring.  I’ve seen enough of her pictures on TMZ this week.  Seriously.  Fine, she’s hot.  Guys like her.  I get it already.  Let’s move on.  She’s singing ‘You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away’ and she just heard the song for the FIRST time this week.  Oh dear Jesus.  <shaking my head>  You’re telling me, out of ALL the Beatles songs out there….you’re gonna pick one you’ve never heard before.  Come on sweetie, I’m quite sure you’ve heard some of these….even if they were sung by other people.  Why, oh why, would you sing a song you just heard for the first time?  Oh wait!  I think I know this one….because you are the The Next One to Go!!!  HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.  I’m hysterical.  So anyway, it’s bad, not as awful as last week but still bad.  She has a pretty little black dress on but she still looks like a rabbit in the headlights.  <smile>  Randy said it was an interesting arrangement, the melody was weird.  Which is a nice way of saying you totally suck.  Paula called it safe and then goes, this is the best you’ve ever looked…..<pause>…..I don’t think Kristy has to worry about how she looks Paula.  I think we’re ok in that area.  Simon says you need hypnosis.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….snort…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  He called her musical wallpaper, but then said but it was better than last week.  Awww….how nice.  And then Kristy says something about hoping she’d be here next week because, and she points right at Simon, you know I can blow your socks off!!!  <stunned silence>  Um.  Maybe it’s my incredibly filthy mind at work here….but that was way too rated R for this show….Simon is practically blushing, Ryan can hardly get the phone number blurted out, and I think….maybe….Horsey realized at the end that some people may have heard a little innuendo in that comment. 

And now it’s time for Mickey Mouse to redeem himself from last week’s total debacle.  He’s talking to the camera in his pre-song blurb and he goes – ‘Dangit!  I forgot the words!’ referring to last week’s total debacle.  Dangit?  Really?  People still say that?  <sigh>  This kid is such a total dork.  He’s singing ‘The Long and Winding Road’.  Beautiful, amazing, strong voice.  Kind of boring….the Hubby is now jabbering away about the NCAA tournament and his brackets and whatEVER…..but totally amazing song.  The tweeners are going crazy for this kid.  Randy says you brought the hotness back.  Which is his way of saying, good job on not forgetting the lines again.  Paula is talking about his purity….rising above adversity….a little melodramatic for Mickey Mouse Paula.  Don’t you think?  Simon says last week was a mess, this week was amazing.  Master class, and then he clapped….kind of like a robot….but it was a nice gesture anyway.  This is a no brainer, people. 

Seacrest is now demonstrating to us how to use an iPhone in more shameless brainwashing advertising techniques.  We also get to see a shot of our judges slurping down their Cokes.  Don’t worry, by the end of the season I will have downloaded four million songs onto my iPod and drank just about the same number of diet Cokes….lime flavored….because I’m craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy like that.  <smile>

So anyway, the Thunder from Down Under is singing for us next.  I would really like this guy to do a good job.  That would be a nice change of pace.  We see a flashback of him singing Bohemian Rhapsody at Hell Week….and yeah….that was pretty much the last time he sounded great.  So he’s singing ‘A Day In The Life’….which is a really weird choice.  This is like a five minute song, and he’s gotta get it down to about a minute and a half.  Hmmmmm….so he’s doing this weird rocker thing.  And it’s kind of disjointed.  It may be the best parts of the song….but it doesn’t make a very good whole.  Kind of like Frankenstein’s monster in song form.  Interesting….but I didn’t like it.  Randy said it wasn’t the best, not a great song.  Thunder pretty much knows what everybody is going to say, he’s got that look on his face.  Paula said you sounded better in rehearsal and then she gives the uninformed audience a little lecture about ear pieces and how they throw you off.  Simon said it was a mess, the song was all over the place.  You have GOT to start sorting yourself out!  Yeah, matey.  He tells Ryan he’s dedicating the song to a dead friend.  Hmmmm….good move Thunder.  The sentimental vote might help you here.  And then Ryan asks Paula to elaborate on the ear piece problem….and here’s where we find out that Thunder is not even wearing an ear piece.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA…Paula you moron.  Now he looks even more talentless.  Your excuse for him isn’t even valid!!  Oh boy….keep on digging girly…..we’ve got a lot more show left.  <shaking my head>

It is now Snow White’s turn to sing.  She got to go home this week and see her new little niece.  And she’s glowing with pride….I know that feeling!!!  My perfect little niece is doing really well, thanks for asking.  Brooky is singing ‘Here Comes the Sun’.  She’s got her country twang going with the acoustic version, kind of folky.  And she’s dressed like the sun in her weird yellow flapper dress.  It was a little off, not as good as last week.  But she said before she even sang, that she didn’t expect to outshine last week….because that was a high point.  So I think she set herself up for this one.  Randy said it was kind of awkward, you never really connected with the song.  And Brooky is totally talking a lot….ok, ok, ok, ok, yup, you’re right, ok, ok, ok.  Shut it, Brooky.  Just let them tell you what they have to tell you.  Paula says you can’t help but smile when you look at Brooky and she is actually sort of right about that.  Simon says when I heard you were singing this song, I just knew your dress would be yellow.  It was a horrible performance, terrible dancing…I think he also called it wet?  That probably means something different in British-land, huh?  And she’s totally talking over him the whole time he’s trying to get his comments out, asking the audience to quiet down.  Oh my….that’s really annoying.  And the Hubby is like, I TOLD you she was annoying!  <smile> 

Captain Cook is singing for us next and the Hubby has been jabbering away for the last five minutes about how this guy should sing ‘Revolution’ because that’s his favorite Beatles song, blah blah blah.  But Cookie has picked ‘Day Tripper’ instead, and managed to give credit to the band who originally came up with the arrangement this week.  Good job, Cookie.  It’s the Whitesnake version, which is a rock band for those of you who don’t know.  He kind of looks like he’s thinking about something else while he’s singing this…very distant.  And he does some weird mouth harp thingy in the middle of the song that kind of came out of nowhere.  That thing Peter Frampton does in the Geico commercial?  You know what I’m talking about.  Anyway, he has a lot of energy at the end, and now he’s really hyped up.  Randy said it might not have been your best, but a good solid performance.  I don’t know what Paula said….probably something in code about how she wants to sleep with him.  Simon said it was obvious you just learned the voice box (not mouth harp).  And then he said Cookie looked smug!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA…that is PRICELESS!!!  A Brit calling anyone else smug!!!  You must be joking, right Cowell?  He says he doesn’t think it was as good as Cookie thought it was.  And then Ryan almost knocks the poor guy unconscious with the mic stand.  Nice move, Ryan.

Time for some more filler and Seacrest is talking to the judges.  He wants to know what Simon is saying to Paula before the songs….and it’s something about a blackbird or a sparrow….I don’t know.  This is very confusing.

Irish Carly is singing now.  And she picked ‘Blackbird’….ok….now that last conversation makes a little more sense.  It feels like she’s singing it at a weird pace, fast then slow.  I don’t remember the original song sounding like this, but this is good.  Did she mess up the lyrics?  Or is that just the fast/slow thing again…..anyway, I thought it was very pretty.  I like that song anyway.  Randy said another great performance, very controlled, emotive.  Paula gave her a capital F for Fantastic.  <smile>  Simon thinks it was indulgent….and he thinks the song was about a blackbird…..and Carly explains that the lyrics about being set free were analogous to their struggle to make it in the music business.  Am I insane?  I thought this song was about racism?  After her explanation, Simon goes, well now you’ve made me very uncomfortable.  <smirk>  What?  Why’s he being so weird?  Look at this – she got a number 7 tattooed on her finger.  Ok, one – OUCH, and two – kind of….kind of cool. 

Dreadlocks is singing now.  He picked ‘Michelle’ because he thought why not learn a new language for the first time singing in a competition that could change the course of my life.  Eh…why not?  He says in his pre-song blurb that he thought ‘belle’ was English….like ‘bell’.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I really hope he was just trying to be funny….because that’s hysterical.  He learned the French very well, it sounds good.  Very pretty and sweet but he makes these goofy gestures during the song that make it kind of dumb.  He’s very awkward.  Randy thought it was very subdued, and said you didn’t connect to the song….which if you’re keeping track at home gentle reader, is the same thing he’s said about most of the kiddies tonight.  Paula said you look a little awkward without your guitar (maybe that was it), and then she said you sang it like a polka.  Ok.  Simon said your face sold that song.  Your very charming and your goofy face was perfect.  Oh come on judges….he’s singing this song to the masses and masses of teenage girls who are clearly infatuated with him.  I thought it was a brilliant choice of song. 

Syesha is singing for us now and the Hubby suddenly becomes very very quiet.  Hmmmm….I wonder what that’s all about?  She is singing ‘Yesterday’ and she says I want to touch every body like this song touched me….which prompted a few very animated, very garbled mumbles out of the Hubby that I didn’t quite catch.  Hmmmmmm……I wonder what that’s all about?  It is a very pretty, acoustic version.  She’s in this weird green dress with big hoop earrings.  Wow….she made that song really sad….I thought she might cry while she was singing it.  Randy says very very very good.  Paula says your vulnerability makes you unique, you need to connect with the audience more by looking at them.  Simon says it was your best performance so far, you chose the best song.  That will keep you in this competition.  The Hubby apparently thinks her wardrobe is gonna keep her in this competition.  Hmmmm……Anyway, I think this has been the best performance of the night.

It’s Jacuzzi’s turn to sing now.  Still going with the one-name introduction.  That is kind of cool.  I wish I could just go by my first name.  Anyway, he’s singing ‘I’ve Just Seen A Face’.  It’s another slow song for those of you who don’t know.  This is kind of boring, but he has a great voice.  And then he plays the harmonica and that was kind of disturbing.  And then the song changes into another bluegrass ditty, very reminiscent of last week’s performance.  Hey, if it worked then, why not do it again.  It was fun, not as good as last week, but still good.  Randy said it had its good parts and its bad parts.  It could be a good country song.  Huh, I agree Randy…it could be.  Paula says you’re showing the depth of your voice.  Simon said it started ok, but that harmonica was atrocious (British for bad).  He said that was not a song you should be proud of…it was kind of gimmicky.  Ok….maybe….but he’s got a ton of energy and he’s fun to watch…and he’s proven he’s a contender.  I think he’s pretty safe this week.

So last up for the night is mini-Julie.  The last and littlest contestant.  Sounds like a kid’s book, doesn’t it?  HAHAHAHAHAHA….oh….I should write children’s stories.  That would be awesome.  She is singing ‘I Should Have Known Better’.  She’s wearing a Paula outfit.  And she is proving how hard it is to sing and dance at the same time, because her voice sounds  little shaky as she’s bouncing around the stage.  She obviously has a strong voice….but she never looks really comfortable out there.  I don’t know….she just doesn’t have that spark.  Randy said, I wasn’t jumping up and down.  No kidding Randy….I think the camera guys would have gotten a shot of that.  He says she was confident….hmmm….I don’t think so.  Paula says you need to pick the right song….I guess implying that that was not the right song.  Simon says you are likeable, but that was amateurish and mediocre.  Ouch.  Simon!  Rein it in there buddy boy.  <smile>  No, she deserves to stick around, at least longer than Horsey. 

So tomorrow is the Eviction.  I think the safe money is on Horsey…but it could be Thunder.  Ryan tells us that the Pickle is going to be with us for a performance.  Nice.  She is ALWAYS entertaining.  I guess we can say that one night of Beatles songs would have been enough....this was not nearly as good as last week.

Congratulations to Mt. St. Mary’s Mountaineers for advancing to the NCAA tourney last night.  Support those Maryland teams people!!  The Mountaineers (where are the mountains in Maryland? kind of more like hills....aren't they?) and the Retrievers (really….that’s their mascot) are the only locals (we don’t count DC and Virginia) to root for and despite being a 16 and 15 seed respectively…you never know.  Well you probably do know….but let’s pretend.  It’s March Madness, anything can happen. 

Later gators,

Heather

So at the Malarkey tribe, after saying goodbye to Firefighter Joel, The Oz Man is tending to the fire and no one seems really that worried….except for the Scooper who is now terrified since he realizes that hey…the Favs are playing to win….and they <gasp> lie right to your face.  Oh my.  Erik, I think we need to have a little talk about how you win Survivor….

The next morning Boob the Builder, because she seems to have a knack for sniffing out paranoid people, tells Scooper she thinks he’s next on the chopping block and despite the total lunacy of this story….the Scooper is like, that makes me mad <pout>.  You dumbass.  The Builder seems to be successfully distracting all the guys with her….um….assets.  Nice strategy.  I like it.  Men are easy that way.  And apparently so is Ami.  Boob is talking to her about how disheartened she is….and Ami gives her the pep talk, but I think she really wants to go out with her.  Hey…everybody else is hooking up on this show….why not?  So the new little alliance starts talking about getting rid of one of the Favs.  Huh.  I don’t like the sound of this.

Over at the Airhead’s beach and Cutey Pie is talking to Jonathan about his knee…which seems to be ok….or at least that’s what Jonathan says.  Our Fair Lady is talking to Jonathan now, and they seem to agree that the switch up was in their best interest and they have the best team….if not the best beach.  I kind of agree with that only because Malarkey got stuck with Chet the Choker.  <shaking my head>  He’s like negative 12 people.  Jonathan and Doolittle are talking about using the Fans to get rid of Havarti and Cutey Pie before the merge….so they can’t work with Boss Oz and Blurry Butt again.  That’s a great idea…..but get rid of Havarti first…..Cutey Pie is so easy on the eyes.

So it’s time for the Reward Challenge.  The Airheads are surprised to see Firefighter Joel is gone….but isn’t everybody surprised every time to see who goes?  Anyway, the challenge is to swim out and get all these sticks and planks, bring them back to the beach and build a barricade through a tunnel for ten minutes, then switch over the other team’s barricade and whoever gets through that tunnel first, wins.  They win some Micronesian Men, who are going to teach them how to survive better.  That’s always neat when the locals come out, because they make it look so easy.  So Jonathan, despite the very obvious limp, swears he can help in this challenge and so some other person is sitting out – one of the anonymous Fans whose name I can’t remember yet because they never talk. 

The game is on, and Ozzie the Fish gets to the planks first….surprise, surprise.  It’s a pretty close race actually.  But they each have ten minutes to build the barricades.  I’m thinking Boob should have an advantage here….but what do I know.  So they switch sides and now are trying to get through the tunnels.  Ozzie the Tunneler gets through half way almost immediately, but on the other side the Airheads look like they only one real obstacle to dismantle and now they are piling into that tunnel.  One by one they get through, while Malarkey is still held up in the middle of their tunnel.  Jonathan is literally pulling himself through the tunnel, falls on the ground and flops on the mat for an Airhead win.  Decide who goes to Exile – it’s Chet the Choker from Malarkey and Jason decides to go for the Airheads.

Before the Airheads get their reward though, the Medics have to look at Jonathan’s knee.  And here it is.  A nice little Australian lady tells Jonathan in the nicest way possible that his knee is infected, antibodies aren’t working, you could lose your leg, or possibly die, and now you’re losing your chance at a million too.  And that’s a lot of news for anyone to take.  Jonathan tried to say, I’ll stay, I’m not quitting.  And the nice little Medic is like, you’re gonna die out here.  He’s devastated.  He starts crying….which I can kind of understand.  All the girls are crying and Cutey Pie even looks upset, but he’s not crying.  Jonathan says goodbye, Jeffy poo shakes his hand….and wow…..just like a huge player is eliminated.  There goes the plan with Doolittle.  I think she still has a chance to align with the Fans though and get rid of Havarti.  We’ll see.  Cutey Pie is upset because now he’s stuck on a beach with all girls (I guess he forgot that Jason would be back someday) and the Hubby is grunting over on the couch saying….aww….poor guy…..that must really suck.  <smile> 

So back at Camp Malarkey, we’re having different kinds of problems.  Blurry Butt and the Oz Man are basically blaming the whole loss on the Choker and Boob….because they want to vote them out.  Ami is starting to feel some allegiance to the underdogs, because she sees herself as one too.  So she talks to Boob about voting out Cirie….which is an excellent idea considering how manipulative Cirie is….and I thought no one saw it.  Good for Ami.  So Boob and the Scooper agree to help her.

Over at Exile, the Choker is just lying around complaining about something wrong with his heel….he hurt it somehow….and he’s pretty sure Ozzie has the idol, so why bother.  Jason says yeah, ok.  I’m just gonna look for a little while.  So he gets through all the clues and finds the fake idol….and wow….you can really convince yourself of anything if you want to believe it hard enough….can’t you.  It’s a stick, Jason.  IT’S A STICK YOU MORON.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ozzie is brilliant and Jason is a sucker.  Please oh please Survivor gods, make sure he plays that and makes a fool out of himself.  That would be awesome.

The Micronesian Men show up at the Airheads tribe and they are a pair of festively plump guys.  Never trust a skinny chef.  And never trust an emaciated person to teach you how to survive….right?  Heehee.  So they brought all kinds of food and fishing stuff.  They show the kids how to catch crabs with coconuts and how to fish….and everybody is happy. 

So now it’s time for the Immunity Challenge and time for Malarkey to learn about Jonathan.  Jeffy poo explains what happened…and everybody is really surprised.  Jeffy then asks the Exilees if they had any luck with the idol….and Jason in a surprisingly devious move says he thinks Ozzie already has it.  Huh….now everybody is looking at Ozzie in a new way and Ozzie is like…look, maybe he can’t follow instruction, but I know I don’t have it.  Or whatever he said to deflect the situation.  So more swimming for the challenge, they have to untie some poles and transport two of their tribe members across the water on the poles and then they all have to fit up on a really tiny platform at the same time.  So Doolittle and Havarti are being transported for the Airheads, and Boob and Ami are being transported for Malarkey.  Except here’s the kicker – the Airheads decide to have Doolittle balance herself on one pole while Cutey Pie carries the pole and Doolittle across the water all at once, completely abandoning the idea of hopping from one pole to the next.  Jeffy is like, that’s not how we pictured it happening…but hey….whatever.  Not against the rules.  So because Cutey Pie is a freak of nature and Doolittle weighs about 40 pounds, they get across the water very quickly.  Boob is having considerably more trouble.  Now it’s Havarti’s turn and she gets all the way across and then falls into the water, so they have to bring her across twice and still Boob hasn’t made it across for Malarkey.  So the Airheads head out to the tiny platform, where they also have an advantage.  With all the girls on the team, and their tiny feet, this should be easy.  And it is….it takes them just enough time for Boob to get across for Malarkey.  So the Airheads win…..again.  Wow….poor Ozzie. 

So back at the beach and Malarkey is talking about Jonathan…at which point the Choker decides to get some sympathy for his bruised heel or whatever the hell is wrong with him.  He wants to slice his foot open….because he thinks that will help….and I know I’m not a doctor or anything….but come on.  That’s ridiculous.  And then he says, I want to go home.  It’s me tonight.  And everybody is like….well yeah….you didn’t have to tell us that.  <smile>  But they did it in a nice way.  Boob is really upset, now she and Scooper are talking about getting rid of the Oz Man because he could have the idol and he wouldn’t be expecting it tonight….and wait just a darn minute….Ozzie is the best survivor ever…..if he doesn’t win…..again!!!  I’ll be so pissed if they vote him off.  So Scooper is trying to convince the Choker not to be such a cry baby and help them pull of the biggest Survivor blindside ever….and Chet is like….I’ll think about it.  He’s not gonna do it though…I can tell.

Time for Tribal Council and Jeffy poo is asking about reactions to Jonathan leaving.  Ozzie is surprised to see such a strong player get ousted by such a trivial seeming thing.  And Cirie said if he could have argued his way out of it, he would have….and Jeffy was like, he tried.  <smile>  Then Jeffy asks about the idol talk with Jason, and Scooper is like yeah it makes you think.  And then Ozzie opens his big naïve mouth and is like, look we all know who is going home time.  It’s Chet.  And if it’s me, I’m the biggest dope ever, I’ll get naked and jump off the pier (!!!!!).  Now despite how much I wouldn’t mind seeing such a stunt, blurry parts and all, I cannot stand the fact that he’s sticking his foot in his mouth so much here.  He’s basically giving Chet the green light to ego ahead and ambush him.  He’s basically saying, I’m not gonna use the idol.  Chet says you never know what’s gonna happen….and now I’m starting to get worried.  And then Blurry Butt says, you’re only in trouble if you’re comfortable…obviously trying to warn lover boy to stop being such an idiot.  <sigh>  If he goes home…..pissed…..really……pissed.

Now it’s time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  First vote – Chet.  Second vote – Chet.  And now he’s in the clear.  All the votes were for Chet, and he’s finally off the island.  Oh thank goodness.  Breathe a sigh of relief their Oz Man….that was closer than it had to be.

Later gators,

Heather

So tonight it’s down to eleven.  I guess only one of the kiddies gets voted off now.  I realize I should know this by now….but they’re changing everything else so why not this.  The Hubby suggested they vote off eleven people tonight and get it over with already.  <pause>  I don’t know why I let him sit in the room with me when this is on…..I really don’t.  So we’re back on the new super fantastic set and Seacrest is telling us that tonight is the night, 29 million people voted.  Jim Carrey is in the audience dressed like an elephant for his Horton Hears A Who promotion for Fox.  That’s kind of funny.  Jim and Ryan.  Heehee.  And now it’s time for the group song and no I didn’t listen to this….I was gonna fast forward right through it and then the Hubby tells me to stop, rewind.  Give him the remote back.  What?  Why?  And there he was….Sanjaya in the audience.  The Hubby is asking me why he can’t still vote for Sanjaya and so I rip the remote out of his hand and start fast forwarding again….

Now they’re making the kiddies stand up four at a time to hear their fate.  First up – Irish Carly is safe, sit back down.  The Thunder is safe, SIT.  John Travolta is safe, take a seat.  Syesha is in the bottom three.  Huh.  Ok….I can kind of see that.  So Seacrest makes her sing now, so they don’t have to do it at the end of the show and they can take up more time to fill up this hour of fluff.  She looks upset.  Poor Syesha. 

Time for the crazy Ford commercial.  This kiddies were “campaigning”….it was freaky as usual.  They’re all jumping around like nutcases.  <shaking my head>  Why do they make them do this stuff?

The next four on the line have to stand now.  Jacuzzi is safe….but Seacrest is a total ass for making him walk down to center stage.  Cool rocker chick is safe.  And Captain Cook is safe and he looks really relieved about that.  The Horse Whisperer is like, ok, where’s the mic.  She already knows what’s coming and Ryan goes, hang on, you don’t know what’s going to happen.  So she’s not in the bottom three?  Oh yeah….she is.  And he hands her the mic….<smile>…..after she sings that awful song again, Ryan asks Simon if that was any better for him, and he goes no, not really.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Shouldn’t have asked, Ryan.  Really.

Now they’re taking phone calls from fans.  And this was just as stupid as I thought it would be.  They ask Travolta which judge he would want to be and he stutters through his answer.  They ask why Ryan and Simon don’t just duke it out on stage…..because they’re really friends morons!!  That’s the only reason they give each other such a hard time.  They ask Simon who is more talented – Brits or Americans.  That was actually a good question.  Simon says, well American singers are more talented, but British judges are more talented too.  HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.  He cracks me up, crazy limey.

Now the McPhee performs.  Oh my goodness.  Remember Kissy Kiss-A-Lot?  Wow….she looks great.  It sounds like a great performance, but she looks like she expects to get judged afterwards.  <chuckle>  And now it’s time for the last foursome to stand up and hear their fate.  Mickey Mouse is safe, yeah yeah.  Snow White is safe, we knew that.  Mini-Julie is safe.  Ok.  And that means Oz is in the bottom three.  So he has to sing again and no, I did not listen to that song again either. 

The bottom three are Syesha, Horsey and Oz.  Seacrest asks the judges if this is the right three.  Randy says yeaaaaaaaaaaah.  Paula says, yes but it’s the most talented bottom three we’ve ever had.  <sigh>  So right away, Ryan sends Syesha back to safety.  Ok, good.  These are the two I said would get the chop, even though it’s only one of them….I got both of the bottom two right!!  How about me?  How awesome am I?  So anyway, Horsey is apparently safe and the Oz is going home.  I kind of liked Oz better….but come on….they had to get rid of the stripper some way.  <evil grin>

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Next week is a whole new show.  Can’t wait. 

Later gators,

Heather

So it’s time for the fun stuff.  Time for the all new all improved version of the best show ever.  I am so excited.  The Hubby is already moaning away on the couch, whining about two hours…until I mentioned that it would only be on two days a week now, and that helped….a little bit.  Here’s Ryan looking very spiffy with his black suit and pointy hair.  The new opening credits were cool, but it was the same annoying Daaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa song.  Who are those people supposed to be?  Kelly and Clay?  Ryan looks very pleased with himself as he shows us the new set.  The stage is HUGE.  Pretty flashy lights.  Ricky and the Band are up in their new little perch.  Here’s Randy in his black and bling, here’s Paula in some gold thing and here’s Simon in white and chest hair.  Ewwww.  Seacrest tells him to button it up, and Simon is like stop being inappropriate.  HAHAHAHAHA.  They’re definitely going at each other tonight.  The kiddies come out on stage and they look all dolled up.  They are singing from the Lennon/McCartney song book and since most of you toddlers don’t know who they are, AI gives us the obligatory history lesson.  <shaking my head>  Yes, he’s the same one getting that awful divorce over in England.  And yes he’s the one with Yoko, the one who was shot.  They have more hits than any other songwriter, ever.  So, this had better be good.

First up is Syesha.  She’s telling us about herself, but we already know this stuff.  I guess they’re talking about how music has been in their lives, blah blah blah.  Ok, whatever.  So she is singing ‘Got to Get You Into My Life’, which doesn’t sound all that familiar to me….or she’s just doing a really bad job singing it.  Hard to tell.  She might be nervous.  The ending seemed much better though.  Randy says yo.  He tells her it was a nice arrangement, in the middle you pulled it together.  Paula says you know you’re good, you look fantastic, it was good from the middle to the end.  Simon says it was better than alright (?), you were just nervous.  I guess he likes her, because that is definitely not the magnanimity we are used to from our loveable Brit….I didn’t think it was that good at all.

Jacuzzi is singing next.  He used to be an Airport security guard and he used to check Paula’s bags….which is kind of creepy.  He really thought he was going home last week, ok.  He’s singing She’s A Woman and he’s giving it his own funk.  Hmmmm…I don’t know if I like the sound of that….and yet.  Right of the bat he’s got me.  I love it.  Very country, very O Brother Where Art Thou….and then it goes into this cool rock thing.  It was awesome.  What a great song!!  LOVED IT!!  The audience is going crazy.  Randy said that was thoroughly entertaining.  Who knew?  You smashed it.  Paula called it O Brother too…huh, great minds.  The reward was worth the risk….I’ll say.  Simon said he is really really surprised, but he agrees with them.  He loved it, you changed from last week, you took control of the stage.  And then Ryan starts jumping around like a crazy person.  We’re ALL fired up!!! WooooooooooHoooooooooooooo!!!  That one’s definitely gonna sell big on iTunes.

Next up is Mini-Julie.  She’s talking about sushi and soy sauce and I’ve heard all this before!!!  She is singing ‘In My Life’ for her “close” friends who have already left the show.  Let’s all assume she is talking about Danny.  She has a really pretty voice, her dress looks weird, the audience is waving…..and this is soooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooring.  I mean, come on.  After Chikezie’s fantastic performance, you really need to step it up.  Randy called it pretty boring.  Paula says you look nice, it was pretty safe.  Simon said he was bored to tears, dreary, the song did absolutely nothing for you.  I expect more because you’re better than that.  Wowee….the girls are 0-2 right now…

After the break we are listening to our John Travolta look alike….and I don’t care if you think they look alike I’m gonna keep saying that because I can.  He went to Texas A&M, so he’s an aggie.  What the hell is an aggie?  He still sounds ridiculously awkward during his interviews, but that can be endearing….I guess <shaking my head>  He is singing ‘If I Fell’ with his guitar.  The audience is clapping.  He has a nice voice.  It’s pretty, but still boring.  Why in the world did they let Chikezie go second?  He should have sang last.  He’s showing everyone up now.  So Randy says, what’s going down?  Liked it but didn’t love it.  He didn’t like the changes that Jason made to the song.  Paula disagrees, and Simon almost fell out of his chair.  <smile>  Simon asks how do you know he was emotionally attached to the song….or whatever Paula said.  And she’s like….ignoring him.  Simon says it was like a student in his bedroom at midnight….whatever that means.  It was boring.  He’s a big big fan of Jason and that was good enough to stay but not as good as last week.

Ryan and Simon are going at each other now.  They’re so funny.

Irish Carly is singing for us now.  She tells us she’s originally from Ireland.  <smile>  Thanks, hon.  Never would have figured that out.  She is singing ‘Come Together’.  Huh….don’t mess it up.  Everybody knows this song.  Wow, her version is very rock.  What a strong voice.  She’s singing the sexy girl version and I really liked it.  Very hot.  Randy says that felt amazing, right?  Strong, confident, stellar.  Paula thinks she’s already watching a star.  Simon says ok, listen, week after week it’s been the wrong song…..until now.  And the place goes crazy.  He says this reminds me of Kelly Clarkson.  And Carly is so thrilled and then she gets the Cowell Wink.  He really likes her….but I do too.

It’s time for Captain Cook to sing now.  He’s a bartender…we already know this stuff…..he’s singing Eleanor Rigby.  Huh…ok.  Simon and Ryan are still muttering at each other and trying to be funny….but that was a bit contrived.  Anyway, the Captain is doing a very rock version of this song…and it feels too fast.  He sounds like that guy from Creed.  Very modern, very current.  The girls are going crazy.  Anyway, it was pretty cool.  And it must really be a rush to be on that stage because he’s all fired up too.  Randy says you rocked it out.  Paula says you are the dark horse, a thoroughbred, a front man.  <quizzical look>  I’m surprised she can talk with her foot that far down her throat.  A thoroughbred?!?!?  Really Paula…..just tell the guy you want to sleep with him and be done with it.  Simon says it was brilliant…huh….must be the acoustics in that place.  He says if this was only a talent competition and not a popularity contest, you could win.  Really?  That’s saying quite a bit.

Snow White is singing for us next.  She’s a Nanny….shocker.  She wants to sing ‘Let It Be’….oh boy.  Don’t mess this one up, Brooky….because everybody and their brother loves this song.  She’s playing the piano.  Man, she has a pretty voice, very country but it fits her.  It kind of fell apart at the end….listen to me, sounding like Randy.  <smile>  It just wasn’t as good as I think she’s been recently.  The audience loved her.  Randy says not your best, but it was heartfelt.  Is she crying?  Wow...Paula used her buzz word of the night and talked about emotional connections.  Simon says, again, one of the best performances of the night.  Three weeks running.  You are believable.  She is so blown away, very happy….and she seems quite sincere in her excitement.  That’s why I like her.  Her sincerity.  And she can’t play the piano with her three inch heels on so Ryan gets her shoes and Simon starts telling him to give them back to Brooke, they’re not his….ok boys.  Stop it already.

Next up is Oz talking about how he used to work at the Pizza Bistro.  I think we all know your resume now, buddy.  No need to run that down for us.  He’s singing ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ and he’s running all over the place.  This is really cheesy.  Maybe he thinks he’s still on the cruise ship?  And now with the oogy looks into the camera….you all know how much I hate that….He gets the big thumbs down from me.  I didn’t like that at all.  Randy says you have a big voice, it was overdone, and he was lost from the get go.  Paula says you know I love your voice…..and Oz goes, I love you too.   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  That’s not what she said!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon says it was corny verging on desperate, you’re like a rabbit in the headlights…and then everybody started talking about how we say it’s a deer in the headlights here in the States….and Simon was like same thing when they’re in the headlights they get this look on their face that is….well you get the idea….the conversation completely got away from everybody at that point.  He said it was ‘not cool.’  I agree….kind of like something you’d hear at a strip club…..right?

Cool Rocker Chick is up next and oh….that might be a smile….not sure….but it might be.  And she’s telling us she’s a nurse and she rides Harleys….and we already know this.  I like her hair this week, it looks cool.  She’s singing ‘You Can’t Do That.’  It sounds good….I think.  A little Bob Dylan, meaning I can’t understand everything she is saying.  But she has such a unique voice.  One of those voices that can sell just because it’s different….like Dylan.  I like her.  Randy loved it, he said she rocked it out in a southern bar way.  I’ll have to take his word for that….Paula says you’re smiling, you’re having fun.  Simon says kind of shouty, and then he tells Paula to shut up and stop being so disrespectful….and I can feel this one getting away from us too….and then he says Amanda is like a breath of fresh air but it was not as good as last week.  And she’s giving him this weird look….like she doesn’t understand what he’s saying.  <smile>  Oh the irony.

The Thunder from Down Under is singing for us now and he’s telling us he’s originally from Australia……..<long pause>……………and he’s a tennis coach.  That might be the first thing I heard about the kiddies tonight that I didn’t already know.  He’s singing ‘Across the Universe’, which the parentals have given a glowing review of…the movie I mean.  I don’t know if this guy is as good as we thought he was….and I know I keep saying that….because I’m kind of waiting for him to be good again.  He’s singing this because it means something to him, and that’s kind of obvious.  He looks very serious.  I don’t know.  The Hubby didn’t like this at all….or at least that is how I interpreted the finger gag expression he had during the entire performance.  Randy says it was good, ok, a little sleepy.  Paula loves everybody and talks about his inner confidence, connected to the song.  Simon agrees with Randy.  He says it was a little monotonous, solid good.  But he’s still frustrated with the Thunder for not picking better songs.  He still thinks this guy is good….I’m not so sure…..

The Horse Whisperer is singing now….she didn’t say anything interesting about herself.  She’s singing Eight Days a Week, in a country style.  It’s all to impress Simon.  Ok, hon, I hope that works out for you….and yet….it really doesn’t.  This is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast.  And she looks terrified.  I really don’t like this….at all.  Bad choice, Horsey….really bad choice.  When did holy jeans come back into style, by the way?  Randy liked parts of it (I think he’s just being nice), but he says she forced it.  Paula doesn’t try nearly as hard as she does with the guys to say something positive….instead she’s like I didn’t like it at all. Ooooo, Paula.  Simon thought it was horrendous.  Dolly Parton on helium.  <chuckle>  Everyone boos him about that…and he gets annoyed.  And then he calls Seacrest obnoxious and Seacrest says well when you the host of the show you can ask whatever you want……boys, boys, boys……

Last up…I’m sure you already guessed – is Mickey Mouse.  This should be awesome.  He’s a junior in high school….oh dear Jesus.  And during his interview he totally stresses himself out about the song….huh….that was weird.  He’s singing ‘We Can Work It Out’….except he’s not.  He’s forgetting the words!!!! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  He’s totally messing up this song.  The parts he remembers sound ok….but everything else is a mess.  This may be the worst of the night.  Randy said he was not on point, it was very forced, it didn’t work.  Paula said don’t let it show on your face when you forget the lyrics.  Simon said, if I’m going to be fair…that was a mess.  It was all over the place.  Don’t worry Mickey….you’re not going anywhere….you’re too good.

So that’s it.  I don’t even know how many are getting voted off tonight.  That’s awful I know.  My guess though is the Stripper or the Horse Whisperer….I thought they were both kind of terrible.  But we don’t have long to wait to find out!! 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s Go Time.  Time to find out who our final twelve are….time for Seacrest to get all dressed up in his Johnny Cash outfit.  Next week, everything will be different.  This is all so exciting!!  It’s a big night for the kiddies.  Making it to the top twelve….for some reason….means a lot more than making it to the top 24.  We start off the show with Blake Lewis.  Remember him?  Beat box.  Still beat boxing.  It’s a nice song….sounds a little like Depeche Mode…..but that’s probably just me still in the 80’s mindset.  He sounds good.  After he’s done he tells the kiddies to stay true to yourself and listen to the good advice.  <smile>  I hope this means the kiddies aren’t doing any kind of group song this week….those are always so sucky…..I’d rather hear Blake, or any other ex-Idols.  I’m sure you can guess which one in particular I wouldn’t mind hearing, every week.  <smile>

After Blake leaves we finally get to see the judges.  Randy in some brown sweater thing, Paula is wearing this funny little gray hat and Simon is in his serious Black garb.  They don’t even get to say hello, it’s straight to commercial.

Ryan tells us that 36 million people voted.  The Guys are up first and we get the recap recap recap.  Captain Cook stands up first….and he’s the first through to the top 12.  No surprise there.  Then Mickey Mouse stands up….oh come on….why even go through it.  He’s number two to the top 12.  Jason and the Dreads stand up next….and he’s number three.  That all makes sense….no drama….ok.

Now it’s time for the Girls.  Recap recap recap.  Snow White stands up first and…..she is number four through to the top 12.  Syesha is number five.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand the Zombie stands up next.  Sorry Zombie….you’re going home.  I CALLED IT!!!  She’s nodding her head like she already knew that….so no surprises or tears….I think she prepared herself well for that disappointment.

Seacrest tells us that they’re going to take live calls from viewers during the show now.  Wow…..that’s a really awful idea.  This isn’t your radio show, Ryan.  Let’s not get carried away with making it bigger and better.  It’s fine.  Just like it is.  Well…..the new opening credits can’t hurt…..

Back to the Boys and Oz is number six through to the top 12.  Thunder from Down Under is number seven.  Now Lukewarm stands up aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan he’s going home.  Awesome.  I CALLED IT!!!  I’m not sure if he knew as well as the Zombie did….and what is up with his arms looking so huge in that shirt?  Paula has to pee and Simon is laughing at her and she gives out her standard – this is the first day of the rest of your career garbage. 

Back to the Girls and mini-Julie is number eight through to the top 12 after Seacrest painfully drags out the announcement for her.  Come on Ryan.  Don’t’ be so mean.  Irish Carly is number nine, obviously.  Our cool rocker chick, who still doesn’t seem that happy, is number ten.  And it’s down to the Horse Whisperer and Asia with an H.  This seems obvious to me.  An obvious choice.  Moly holy, Asia is short.  Kristy is like towering over her….but…..wait….what’s this?  Asia is going home?!!?!?!?  WHAT?!?!?!?!  That can’t be right?  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Stupid America.  I was on a roll and you messed it all up.  This is ridiculous.  She holds herself together well and sings us off to the next commercial.  <shaking my head>  Skinny blondes will take over the entire planet if you let them, people.  I’m just saying…..

Back to the final decision.  Kristy was number eleven through to the top 12, so we have one spot left and it’s either for Danny or Chikezie.  This is a toss up…..it really is.  And now that I have absolutely no faith left in the American Public…..I have no instincts on who it’s going to be…Danny is already crying and Chikezie is trying to calm him down.  But it’s no use, Danny is going home and we’re sure gonna miss him.  Ramielle is bawling….I guess they were gal pals.  More text talk….alright already.  And now he gets to sing again…Paula is dancing….Simon looks like he would rather be anywhere else but here.  <smile>  And that’s your top 12 people.  With one glaring exception, I agree.  Next week should be interesting…new stage, new songs and new credits.  Can’t wait!!!!

Later gators,

Heather

Mikey B has just been kicked off the island, and Jason is just as surprised as I am.  It was a good move….but Weird Science?  Really?  I know everybody likes to have a sacrificial lamb around, or at least someone lower on the totem pole than they are….but come on.  Jason thinks the Airheads are a bunch of dopes.  Me too.  Back at Camp Malarkey and its time to off a chicken.  Ozzie, the Jack of all Trades, is elected to whack the poor little guy.  Havarti says goodbye to Charlie the Chicken and then while everybody is plucking feathers, Captain Ahab hides his immunity idol.  Oh, that’s right.  You may have forgotten since last week, but he’s still the best Survivor ever.  And getting cuter by the day…..if I haven’t mentioned that either.  And then he decides to tell his little clique about the idol.  So Blurry Butt, Havarti and Cutey Pie know about it now.

Now let’s move right on to the Reward Challenge.  That was quick.  I guess there’s not a lot going on at the camps.  But what’s this?  Jeffy poo tells them to drop their buffs.  We getting NEW tribes?!?!?  Moly holy.  Malarkey had it in the bag and now the stupid producers want to mix everything up.  <shaking my head> That’s awful.  I wouldn’t want any of the dopey fans on my team, maybe the Scooper because I think he’s the one that can swim.  And what about Oz!  His idol is hidden back on the beach?!?!?  So they pick stones out of a bag to get the team leaders….and one of them is Ozzie <sigh>….thank goodness.  At least he can stay on his own beach now.  Natalie is the other team leader.  So Natalie picks first and she has to pick one of the Favs.  Of course it’s Cutey Pie.  And Ozzie is forced to pick one of the Favs and he picks Troy.  Who’s Troy?  Oh….he meant Joel.  Good work, Ozzie.  I think now’s the time you need to bother learning their names.  The teams end up being – on the new Malarkey: Ozzie, Firefighter Joel, Blurry Butt (which must have made Ozzie happy), Scooper the Swimmer, Ami, who picked Boob the Builder (shocker), Cirie (just to make things more interesting) and finally Weird Science (because karma loves us like that Firefighter).  And on the new Airheads team we have Natalie, Cutey Pie, Alexis, Jonathan, Jason, Havarti, Crazy Lady and Miss Doolittle.  So Oz Man and Blurry Butt are still together.  And Cutey Pie and Havarti are still together.  Good for them!!  Now after all that drama we still have to do a challenge!  It’s basically tag, except it’s two players tied together against the other team’s tied up duo.  And it’s through an obstacle course.  If the team being chased can elude the other team for 60 seconds, then they get the point.  If the other team chasing them gets one of their flags, the chasers get the point. 

Now, tag to me doesn’t sound very brutal.  But I have obviously never seen a Survivor game of tag before.  This was violence and chaos people.  They’re playing for a pile of steaks and veges and wine and no Exile Island for anyone so they can get to know each other.  This was awesome.  Havarti got a fat lip.  Ami twisted her knee.  Jonathan got stabbed in the leg with something.  And then Firefighter Joel was paired up with Weird Science….and I have no idea who thought that was gonna be a good idea.  Joel literally drug poor Chet all over the course, and Chet is slamming into trees and hitting his face into poles.  It was awful.  And they lost….and Chet was trying to explain that he was hurt….and Joel was like, yeah I don’t care.  Nice.  Poor Ozzie, he’s not used to losing!!!  But…it’s not a total loss for Team Malarkey, as the new members quickly find out.  Back at their camp they have food, dry sleeping quarters, and basically all the luxuries of life you can expect on an island out in the middle of nowhere.  Ozzie decides that Weird Science has got to go.  No kidding Oz, why didn’t they get rid of him before?!?!?!  Over at the Airheads camp, it is a completely different homecoming.  The Favs are stunned and appalled at the site.  It’s an awful camp, practically set up in the ocean.  They’re trying to BBQ their steaks and the tide comes in and puts out the fire.  Oh, the humanity!  Poor Jonathan seems to be the most hurt from the challenge of the bunch of them.  He has this huge hole in his leg, which was really gross by the way.  Sometime in the middle of the night, the medics finally show up and clean out the wound and sew it up and Jonathan….<shudder>…..takes it like a man.  And I’m being serious, it looked quite painful and he just sucked it up.  Ewwwwwwwwwwww.  So now he’s keeping his fingers crossed that it doesn’t get infected.  Good luck with that out here in the jungle, Jonny boy.

The next day back at Camp Malarkey and the Scooper is being impressed by Aqua Man’s swimming abilities.  Yeah….who knew?  The Oz Man can swim like a fish.  Now the boys discuss the pecking order for the first time.  Joel, very smartly suggests that in order to gain their trust they should vote out Cirie first and then Chet, to keep the numbers with the Fans just in case.  He is a very smart strategist….I’ll give him that…..but he’s still a bonehead.  Over at Camp Airheads, the Favs decide that first things first, they need a new shelter.  And so in about an hour, they build one.  Away from the coastline.  The original Airheads are stunned and amazed that the Favs are so good at this.  It’s building a bamboo shelter people….not brain surgery.  Jonathan is hobbling about like “Quasimodo”, according to him.  <smile>  A little melodramatic, but I think he is waaaaaaaaaaaaay understating the amount of pain he is still in….so we’ll give him some latitude.  Back at Camp Malarkey and Blurry Butt has wrestled a four foot shark out of their fishing net….by herself!  She lugs it back into camp and Ozzie is practically glowing.  He sheepishly tells the Camera Guy that it’s pretty attractive to a ‘guy like him’.  <smile>  Awwwww….he really is smitten.  So who cares about the steak dinner, Malarkey is eating pounds of shark meat tonight.

Now it’s time for the Immunity Challenge.  Throw rocks at puzzle pieces until they fall down, pull the puzzle pieces apart and arrange them on this big table, with one team member perched on high to help see the big picture and tell everyone what to do.  Got it?  Ok, Camp Malarkey starts off with Ozzie breaking a piece right off the bat.  Best Ever.  The Airheads can’t get their pieces to fall and Jonathan starts complaining that their pieces are rigged and Jeffy poo is like, everyone has the same stuff Penner, stop bitching.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Jeffy does get quite annoyed with the contestants sometimes, doesn’t he.  But I like seeing him act a little human from time to time.  You don’t always have to be the Game Show Host, Jeffy.  You’re as much a part of this game and tribal council.  So anyway, Malarkey gets to the puzzle first, but Chet is calling the shots against Eliza for the other team…..so once the Airheads get to their puzzle it evens up pretty quickly.  Eliza is practically psychic when it comes to puzzles.  She gets them so fast.  Jonathan does give her some good advice, look for the bigger pattern because there must be one….and he’s right and they do and they win.

So back at Camp Malarkey and now the Firefighter doesn’t care about keeping their numbers…he is adamant that they need to get rid of Weird Science immediately.  He says if this was medieval times, they would have killed him themselves.  HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.  He also calls Chet a big glob of goo.  <smile>  That’s gross.  So he tells Ozzie he doesn’t care, they need to get rid of him, which Ozzie of course totally agrees with.  And everyone agrees with, until Cirie hears the plan about the Gob of Goo.  And because it’s Cirie and she always has a plan and she never just goes along with people for the sake of going along with them…..she thinks they should get rid of Joel when he’s not expecting it.  She makes the excellent point that Joel doesn’t really help them in challenges and that he is playing the game much more than GooGob and GooGob can be used as a pawn for anything, while Joel won’t sit idly by and let them plan around him.  Ozzie sees the sense in that argument…but he knows that GooGob is a waste of space and they will pretty much be sealing their fates with the challenges if they keep him around.  It’s all so suspenseful.  But now it’s time for Tribal Council.

Jeffy asks about the new tribes and the new members.  Ozzie says yeah of course I picked Troy, I mean Joel, after Natalie picked Cutey Pie (except he called him James, of course).  GooGob talks about not really being picked and puts as much of a silver lining on it as he can.  Boob the Builder talks about Joel dragging Gooby through the obstacle course and she blames that loss on Joel for not communicating and acting like a freak.  Gooby says it felt like a Mack Truck was pulling him through the trees.  The Truck says I was telling you what to do, you just weren’t doing it.  Gooby disagrees.  The Scooper says he’s voting to keep the tribe strong; translation – he’s voting for Gooby.  But I’m not so sure everyone else is.  Jeffy asks about the hidden immunity idol and Blurry Butt looks right at Ozzie.  What are you thinking!!!  Don’t make it obvious!?!?  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person being voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Here’s how the voting went.  Joel, Chet, Joel, Chet and with the third Joel vote he really starts to look concerned.  He should be, because all the other votes were for him.  What a knockout punch.  The Scooper is amazed and shaking his head.  Joel looks like he could breath fire.  Cirie is practically giggling she’s so happy, when are people gonna realize she’s molding this game into her own private playground?  So Jeffy says, well it’s obvious you’re not concerned about being strong….and sends them on their way.  Wow.  This does make things interesting….

Later gators,

Heather

Time for the girls tonight.  Another hour of the 80’s.  Ahhhhhhhh…..so much to look forward to.  I was thinking about this yesterday – there were so many great movies that came out in the 80’s that some of you…..<sigh>…..younger folk may not appreciate as much as you should.  Therefore, along with 80’s singing night for Idol, I will be interjecting quotes from the best 80’s movies.  You’re welcome.

“In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au Revoir, gopher.’” (1980)

Ryan is looking pretty fine tonight in a slick suit and tie.  Randy has an uggy brown v-neck sweater on, Paula is wearing a cute little black outfit just to match Simon.  Ryan asks everybody to put the contestants at ease, and as usual Randy says something pretty generic, Paula says something useless, and Simon says no one is safe.  I feel so much better now.  And because we only have an hour and Seacrest is obviously stressing out about that, let’s get right down to it.

“Please, they’re dead.  It’s a little late to be neurotic.” (1988)

Asia with an H is first up for the night.  I still like this girl a lot.  I am so glad she is in the competition.  We’re still talking about embarrassing moments tonight.  <sigh>  So her moment was when she was an extra on a movie set and she had to roller skate and she skated right into a set light.  Ok…I guess that’s embarrassing.  I don’t know….do really cute people ever have embarrassing moments?  I’m guessing not to much.  So anyway, she has a very typical 80’s outfit on…reminds me of Gloria Estefan.  She is singing ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ by Whitney.  Good Lord, can this girl give herself a break?  Ever?  Last week was Celine and now Whitney.  Paula is dancing to the song – oh good, we’re starting early with her tonight.  It’s a fun song, and she is pretty good.  I think she’s safe.  Randy of course has to mention that he recorded this with Whitney.  He calls it hot.  Paula wondered whether she could pull it off, and then said – you nailed it.  Simon calls it second rate Whitney, you didn’t hit the big notes…..and already I can feel this night starting to get out of control with the rambunctious audience and Paula talking all over everybody and Seacrest trying to move things along.

“Our Love is God.  Let’s go get a slushie.”  (1989)

Next to sing is the Zombie.  And Kady is telling us that last week was really emotional, she thought she was going home.  Yeah.  Me too, hon.  In the 9^th grade she sang in a talent show and it was awful and then tripped on the mic cord leaving the stage.  That sounds like a nightmare.  She is singing a Queen song, one of the many from the Highlander soundtrack.  It’s such a pretty song, and so sad.  It sounds a little flat………and a little slow.  Not baaaaaaaaaaaaaad, but not great either.  Randy said it was an interesting song choice, hard to sing….which apparently means she didn’t do a good job.  Paula naturally called it her best performance.  Which, if she was being serious, isn’t saying a whole lot for Zombie.  Simon said it was better than last week, but her problem is still her massive lack of personality when she sings.  He called her robotic, a Stepford Wife (which he does at least once a season), no emotion, you may be in trouble.  I’d say.  Ryan asks him to clarify on the lack of personality comment because Zombie doesn’t understand….and Simon yells at him saying forget it, I made my point, understand it.  OOOOooooOOOOOO….somebody is in a really snippy mood tonight.

“You won’t get any dancing here.  It’s illegal.” (1984)

Cool rocker chick is singing next.  She had an outdoor firepit at her house, and managed to burn the deck down, melt the side of the house and singe the pool.  That is probably the funniest story we’ll hear tonight.  I don’t know if it’s embarrassing….but she said it – how many people can say they burned up a pool?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  She is singing Joan Jett “I Hate Myself For Loving You”….which is absolutely perfect for this girl.  Perfect voice for this perfect song.  And her voice is so unique, I love it.  I don’t know if she can sing anything else….but this sounds great.  The audience loved it.  Randy said the bluesy rocker chick, that’s who you are.  Paula said basically the same thing.  Simon said, if I’m being honest, that was fantastic.  Absolutely nailed it.  His favorite performance of hers….and then he tells her, you know you can smile.  Yeah…what is up with her….she doesn’t look happy at all…..Seacrest says, someone go get her binky.  Heehee….she really doesn’t look like she wants to be there.  Huh.

“Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.” (1984)

Irish Carly is singing next.  She got her leg stuck in a railing underneath a bar and her drunk friend made a spectacle out of trying to get her free.  That’s pretty funny too….but drunk stories always are.  And no, you don’t get to hear any of mine.  She has a weird outfit, but again, very 80’s.  She’s singing “I Drove All Night” and I really don’t like this song too much, but she sounds amazing.  She has a beautiful voice, really strong, and she held some looooooooooon notes during that performance too.  Randy said you keep smashing it, dude, another great performance.  Paula called her a dependable dog.  <pause>  You know…. <pause>  Nevermind.  Simon said that was not the right song for you again…..something about Celine Dion (even though Cyndi Lauper was the one who sang this in the 80’s) and now he’s mad at the audience for interrupting him.  Do not poke the Cowell with a stick, or he will bite you arm off.  He said you’re a million time betters than that song.  Nice.  I think she may be the only one who can give Archuleta a run for his money…

“Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby.” (1986)

The Horse Whisperer is singing now.  She apparently pretended to be a dog for like a year when she was 7….drank out of a bowl and everything.  Some people would call that psychotic behavior….but apparently not her parents.  She picked Journey “Faithfully”, which is a gorgeous song.  She’s making it a little country….which I think is an excellent idea.  Make it different enough so people don’t compare you to the original….because you’re not as good.  I wonder if Randy is gonna mention that he was in this band…..yeah….he does.  He said dogs and Journey, you got me.  <smile>  What the hell are Paula and Simon doing?!?!?  They like cuddling on the other side of the table….that’s a little weird.  Paula finally unwraps herself and says that could be a hit in the country charts, pretty and you have positivity.  Which isn’t a word.  Simon said it’s a good thing you made it country, but you’re forgettable.  Top 10 at the most, and she’s like that would be GREAT!!  Way to set your expectations really high there, Horsey. 

“Wax on…..wax off.” (1984)

Next up is Mini-Julie (tiny Ramielle).  Seacrest tells her to start walking down the stairs now, because she has short legs and her Moment Blurb isn’t that long.  Um.  That’s nice Ryan.  Make fun of the vertically challenged.  So when the little munchkin was in fifth grade she gave her picture to a boy who laughed at it.  <shaking my head>  Boys are the worst.  I mean seriously…..the worst.  You do make up for it in other ways boys, which is lucky for you, because <shaking my head some more> that’s just terrible.  She’s singing Against All Odds, by Phil Collins.  She has a really nice voice, very pretty, but kind of boring.  Randy keeps calling her Romily.  Is that really how you say her name?  He says it was a pretty good vocal, but you need some more confidence.  Paula tries to say something, is completely distracted by the audience, calls them the peanut gallery and then calls them mutts and then says I like mutts like she was insulting them or something…..and goes on and on and on and on about nothing.  Simon says you’re so little and cute that it was good, but it was also old fashioned and predictable.  I’m not jumping out of my chair.  And then Seacrest interrogates her on why she picked the song and she doesn’t want to talk about it and then we get into text talk again and then Ryan points out that Danny is wearing her glasses and they make little hand gestures at each other.  That’s cute.  I had a girlfriend like that in high school too.

“I wish I were big.”  (1988)

Back from the break and Paula and Simon are smooching again, whispering sweet nothings to each other.  Seacrest is asking what Simon says to her while everybody is singing and she starts talking about melons and mothballs and yogurt.  And I have no idea what any of that means, but Simon is laughing so hard it looks like he might fall out of his chair….

“…and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” (1988)

And now it’s time for Snow White.  Her moment was when she ran up to her dad and hugged him, except it wasn’t her dad.  Yeah, that’s embarrassing….I think a lot of people have done that though.  She’s singing Pat Benatar “Love Is A Battlefield”, the acoustic, country version of the song.  I don’t know if I like this, but she seems to grow on you, doesn’t she?  Not the Hubby, he can’t stand this girl….but it was good, from the beginning to the end.  Randy said he was glad she did it without the guitar.  Paula doesn’t know what’s going on anymore.  By the way, her word of the day was “pure” which she used to describe all of the girls.  She thought the song needed more of the band.  Simon totally disagrees with her and said you made that a completely different type of song, you made it your own and for two weeks in a row, it was fantastic.  There you go, Snowy, you have his blessing.

“Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?” (1987)

Last to sing tonight is Syesha.  Now this girl, the Hubby likes.  In the second grade she sent a love note to a boy with some strawberry gum (it’s funny what we remember isn’t it?) and the boy told the teacher on her and ate her gum anyway.  Boys boys boys.  It’s a good thing those hormones kick in eventually boys, otherwise there is no way we could manipulate you so effortlessly.  She picked more Whitney to sing…..didn’t I go over this in the audition phase?  Why Whitney?  Because it’s so easy?  Anyway – “Saving All My Love For You”.  I don’t know if that’s the name of the song, but that’s how it goes.  It was pretty good.  Not as good as it should have been.  And now they’re pressed for time so each judges gets to say two words.  Randy says good, good.  Paula says sophisticated, lovely.  Simon says predictable, but good.  Rush, rush, rush and we’re in such a rush that the stupid DVR cut off the very end so I didn’t get to hear Ryan say good night….but whatever.

“I’m an excellent driver.” (1988)

The vote off is tonight.  We get to find out who is in the top twelve.  My guess for the girls – Zombie and Horse Whisperer are going home.  And for the boys, since I didn’t actually give you two names yesterday is of course Lukewarm and probably Danny.  Sorry sweetheart, I know this was a big dream for you.

“Come with me if you want to live.” (1984)

Later gators,

Heather

It’s 80’s night.  I love the 80’s….if I’ve never mentioned that before.  The 80’s….ahhhhh….almost three decades ago.  I realize my weird attraction to this decade is because I grew up in it…and by grew up in it, I mean I was old enough to remember things happening, not that I was born then.  <sigh>  I remember when Gremlins and ET and Back to the Future came out in the theaters.  I remember when I used to watch the Dukes of Hazzard and the A-Team on T.V.  Cabbage patch kids, Atari, He-Man, Rainbow Brite, the Commodore 64, and of course even more fantastic movies that came out in that era – Risky Business, Pretty in Pink, and Teen Wolf.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ahhhhh…those were the days. 

So here’s Ryan introducing us to the boys and to the 80’s theme.  Only 8 of them are left and this show is only an hour long….which the Hubby is extremely happy about, especially considering that he is not a big fan of 80’s music.  <shaking my head>  Opposites do attract, gentle reader, let me assure you.  Randy is in his puke shirt, Paula is in a cute little red dress, and Simon in his go-to gray.  Seacrest is in his normal panicky rush mode, we only have an hour, so let’s get to it.  The kiddies are going to be telling us about their most embarrassing moments.  Huh.  Not sure I want to know about this stuff….also quite sure I’m not going to share any of that nonsense with you people.  My most embarrassing moment….<shaking my head>…get serious.

So Lukewarm is starting us off tonight.  Oh joyous day.  How is this guy still here?  Anyway, he’s 29, he remembers the 80’s too, so this should be good.  His big sister apparently dressed him up as a ballerina once.  And that was embarrassing.  His huge ode to the 80’s is Wham.  Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.  This seems ironically appropriate to me.  And by the way, thanks for dressing up there Lukey.  He is so booooooooooooooooooooooooooring.  Even the Hubby is calling it very karaoke, very cabaret.  Heehee….I think he has been successfully brainwashed.  Randy asked him if he had a good time…of course he didn’t Randy.  He told Lukey that he was ahead of the music and then he kind of got it together.  Paula apparently choreographed George Michael’s tour…thanks for not wearing those awful shorts….blah blah blah.  She is in a particularly stuttering sputtering mood tonight.  Simon said it was weak, girly, and there’s no chance you’re going through.  HA!  I agree, Simon.  But girly?  I mean….he picked a Wham song….how do you not make that girly?  Dial carefully kiddies, and make sure Lukewarm go gos. 

“Lucas” came out in 1986 with Charlie Sheen and Kerri Green (you may remember her from Goonies) and of course the icon of the 80’s – Corey Haim.  He falls for her, but she falls for the other guy.  Typical story, but very cute.

Next to sing is the 17-year old phenom – David Archuleta.  Seacrest shares with us that Mickey Mouse told him he’s thirsty and he has to pee….to which poor little David responds – um…..I didn’t really want everybody to know that…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, so he was singing at some fundraiser when he was young…er.  And half way through the song he lost his voice, so his mom pops up on stage and finishes it for him.  Now that’s embarrassing.  So for his next show-stopper, he picks Phil Collins “Another Day In Paradise”.  I must have heard this song four million times during the 80’s.  It’s so sad.  And of course it sounds brilliant, he kind of changed the arrangement a bit…which didn’t hurt it at all.  Beautiful.  Randy thought it was interesting, nice, nice nice.  Paula said you were perfect in your imperfection.  Whatever the hell that means.  Simon says stop singing such gloomy songs, it’s depressing.  Lighten up.  <smile>  Yeah, Mickey Mouse, lighten up.  Simon also made a comment that little Mickey Mouse will probably be in the final two.  Well.  That’s ballsy, saying that at this point in the competition.  But I agree.

In 1982 Toni Basil released her international smash hit – ‘Mickey’.  She wore her own high school cheerleading outfit for the MTV music video.  The video was ranked #5 by VH1 in their 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders list.

And now we have E!  Danny, Danny, Danny.  His most embarrassing moment?  Wow.  I think I know one already.  So he tripped on some stairs in front of one his crushes.  Yeah, that’s embarrassing.  I can’t walk down stairs either.  He’s speaking in text talk….which I can’t stand about kids today.  Little heathens and their stupid acronyms.  TMTH?  It’s like those cell phone commercials.  That’s not a word?!?!?!  Speak English?!?!?!?!?  So anyway, he picks Tainted Love by Soft Cell.  Very typical 80’s song.  He’s doing a lot of head waggling….which I just don’t get either.  I do admit that he may be appealing to today’s teeny boppers and tweeners.  But not to me.  To me he’s hyperactive and kind of snotty.  I know this is probably a total turnaround from before….but I’m allowed to change my mind.  And what is up with his tourette’s problem?  I hope you all caught that video pick on TMZ earlier this week.  Priceless.  So anyway, Randy loved the arrangement but thinks our girl needs some more confidence.  Paula………is saying something I don’t understand.  Simon thought it was useless, hated the whole thing.  Randy and Paula have their hands on their heads, waving (see last week for an explanation of this hand gestures) and this is the first time I actually see the purple streaks in Danny’s hair.  Ok.  That’s kind of neat.  I had some pretty colorful hair in high school too. 

Lots of great slang came out in the 80’s that may have been pretty confusing….kind of like text talk.  Bodacious, dweeb, gag me with a spoon, gnarly, lame, party hardy, rad, spaz, tubular, and wicked.  This coming from the yuppies and Valley girls.  And if you weren’t sure what to say, you just put ‘like’ in front of every sentence.  <smile>

Like, moving right along.  Oz is singing for us now.  He’s telling us some story of having a big booger in his nose when he was getting his picture taken.  That’s kind of gross, thanks for sharing that with us David.  He’s singing It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.  I don’t know if that’s the name of the song….and I can’t remember who sang it first – Celine or Meatloaf.  I thought he sounded pretty good, except I didn’t like the ending at all.  Randy liked the song choice and handed out his normal ‘pitch problems’ comment.  Paula says something about his groove, and wow, is she becoming more incoherent as the show moves along or is it just me?  She told him he had some of the best vocals in the competition.  Hmmmmm….sounds like Paula has a new project this season.  Simon said it wasn’t as good as last week, but you’re definitely going through to next week.  Yeah probably.  And he was almost cool until he asked Randy if he liked his shoes.  Hey, Oz.  Nice stripper shoes.  <smile>

Fashion was a little different in the 80’s.  See if you remember any of these fads – feathered hair, tons of hairspray, big bangs, side pony tails, Ray-bans, Ocean Pacific t-shirts, leather and chains, stonewashed jeans, parachute pants, spandex, legwarmers, high tops, hoop earrings, and of course your Swatch to match it all.  Make sure you buy Jordache, Guess, LA Gear, Vans, Keds, or Esprit. 

The Thunder is singing next, and speaking of dressing up, he was Boomer the Roo (a mascot) for an Aussie rugby match and he got beat up in front of a whole stadium of people.  That’s not really embarrassing…I mean, maybe dressing up like a kangaroo is embarrassing.  Rugby is fun to watch by the way, very violent.  So the Thunder has got to be singing an INXS song right?  I mean, he really has no other choice….unless it’s Men At Work – “Down Under”.  Heehee.  But no, he picks Simple Minds.  Ok.  This is like the anthem of the 80’s – Don’t You Forget About Me.  It’s from that classic – The Breakfast Club.  He’s singing it a little differently than I’m used to hearing it, and I don’t know if I like it or not.  Randy apparently thinks Michael Hutchence did sing this song….but maybe that’s because of the way Thunder sang it.  I don’t even understand Paula anymore.  But she was saying something….about something.  Simon liked it, but didn’t love it.  He said he likes Thunder singing soul more, he really likes him but he hasn’t had his moment yet with that one perfect song.  Ok.  That’s pretty nice.  You know, I thought this guy was so great in the beginning and now….he’s just not impressing me as much.  And why, oh why, wouldn’t you sing an INXS song?!?!?

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case...a princess...and a criminal... Does that answer your question?... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

Next up on the agenda is Captain Cook.  Our only rocker guy left in the competition.  He was at a talent show singing and he forgot the words and he just froze on the stage.  That is pretty embarrassing….that’s like something you’d have nightmares about.  He’s playing the guitar, electric guitar, and it’s loud and I’m not sure if it goes with this song.  Lionel Ritchie – ‘Hello’, which is originally a bit slower and a bit softer.  But our rocker is making it very rock….and you know what….it kind of works.  Randy loved it.  I think Paula did too.  She called him a great shining star.  Simon said that was a brave thing to do, and….I loved it.  NICE!!!  You are taking risks, Lionel would have been proud, I really hope you’re here next week.  That’s fantastic.  You know what….I don’t think I liked this guy too much before….but as much as I did a 180 with Danny, I think I’ll do one with him too.  Not bad.  And we need some rock in this competition…..we really do.

So…here’s something else you may remember….if you’re old enough.  An interesting evolution of rock music – the hair band.  Poison, Slaughter, Ratt, Warrant, Dokken, Cinderella, Winger, L.A. Guns.  The list goes on and on.  Big hair and lots of make-up.  They were bad boys…..and for whatever reason….maybe the Kool Aid was spiked with crack…..they were attractive. 

Speaking of hair, it’s time for Tony Manero (Jason Castro)….apparently he was on a date and he tried to pull his hair back and one of his dreads fell out.  Um.  That’s kind of gross….but I hate that hair style anyway.  He’s singing Jeff Buckley’s cover of a Leonard Cohen classic – Hallelujah.  This is a beautiful song and I love it.  He’s sitting in the spotlight, center stage, sans guitar.  The ending was a little weak, but it’s such a great song…..how can you not like that.  Randy said the song has a high degree of difficulty, and he liked the fact that Jason didn’t use the guitar this time to hide behind.  Paula called him unique…..which is the same thing she has said to every other boy singing tonight.  What a unique comment, Paula.  Simon said the Buckley version of this song is one of his favorites.  He called Jason’s performance absolutely brilliant.  Wow, he’s really in a good mood tonight.  I think Simon must be an 80’s fan too.  He said it was arguably one of the best performances of the night, and his best performance so far.  Nice.

Stayin’ Alive came out in 1983 starring our loveable scientologist John Travolta.  This sequel to Saturday Night Fever is so 80’s it makes me want to cry.  Cynthia Rhodes co-starred in this (Flashdance) and guess who directed?  Sly Stallone.  Surprised?  I knew you would be.

Last up for the night is Jacuzzi.  When he was in high school he used to go to the women’s bathroom.  Ok….that’s kind of creepy in that awkward high school way boys have about them.  He’s singing a Sister Sledge song….later redone by Vandross….later redone by Whitney.  All The Man That I Need.  He has a wonderful voice….and this is a really good performance.  Pretty, pretty.  Randy said it started off a little weak, but you worked it out.  That’s a tough song.  Paula is practically drooling on herself at this point in the show…and she says EVERYBODY did great tonight.  Simon says that was a Whitney song, right?  Ok, then I don’t think it worked.  It was ok in bits, much more cabaret than last week.  I don’t think it was a smart move.  So much for him being in a good mood….and still no one is pronouncing Chikezie’s name correctly….but they do list him on the bottom of the screen as a one-name singer now.  It’s just Chikezie.  <smile>  So I guess that’s a good sign, at least.

Seacrest asks Randy how the boys did, and he goes it started off rough but they worked it out.  I assume he is referring to Lukewarm, who is undoubtedly going to be kicked off this week.  Unless they boot the stripper….or the potty mouth instead.  Paula tries to stand up to say something and practically falls on her face.  Somebody smell that “Coke” she has in her glass.  Ryan thanks the band and says good night. 

You know….they were a lot of songs they could have sang….so I picked out some more appropriate choices for them –

Lukewarm – “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” Culture Club

Mickey Mouse – “Too Shy” Kajagoogoo

Danny – “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” Cyndi Lauper

Oz – “Whip It” Devo

Thunder – “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” Tears for Fears

Captain Cook – “The Heart of Rock N Roll” Huey Lewis & The News

Tony Manero – “Red Red Wine” UB40 (his tribute to Paula)

Jacuzzi – “West End Girls” Pet Shop Boys

I hope the girls pick some better songs.  Of course most them weren’t even alive in the 80’s.  <sigh>

Later gators,

Heather