Hello America,

Idol Gives Back Night….finally.  We’ve been hearing about it all season.  Seacrest pretends like messes up the teleprompter…come on.  So it’s “live”….whatever.  The kids are all in white suits.  Hmmmm….I smell a song coming up right off the bat.  Well, I’ll just go ahead and lay it out there – this had better be the most awesome two hours of television….EVER.  Because, Seacrest has been talking about this like it’s the greatest thing since Elvis on the Ed Sullivan show. 

Over 70 million votes…..what?  WHAT?  The most shocking results…..ever.  Um.  Uh oh.  This doesn’t sound good.  And now I have to wait to hear what it is?!?!?!?  AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  This is not fair.  That’s like twice as many as usual.  Hmmmm…their guilt trip worked apparently.  Oh and tonight they want us to pay money….for the kiddies….oh boy.  How the hell are they going to send someone home tonight?  We love you...but you suck.  Only on Fox, ladies and gentlemen.  Randy has got a suit on tonight, very fly my man.  Paula’s got her boobs on display.  And Simon is wearing a jacket also, with the shirt unbuttoned again.  <shaking my head>

Ryan goes to Ellen in some other auditorium.  Ellen says, give us your money.  And then she lists off some of the acts.  And the first act of the night is Earth, Wind & Fire.  And then we have a flashback to August 31, 2004.  When the auditions were held at the Louisiana Superdome.  An American tragedy.  And Randy is taking us on tour of his home state.  It’s crazy that this place is still such a mess.  It’s been two years and still people are living in FEMA trailer parks.  And their community center?  Is like a barn with all the walls ripped off…completely unbelievable.  Now Randy is reading off the donation phone number.  Oh hell.  Now I’m definitely gonna have to give them some money.  I’m such a sucker.  Hey….that was the Bollywood twins in the audience!

So the kids get an anthem for tonight and they sing it to another montage of cute little kid faces….Quincy Jones wrote the song for them.  Time to Share.  It’s kind of bubble gum…but hey….I have a feeling this entire night is going to feel very telethon…so whatever.  They apparently also have celebrities promoing the phone number and begging for money.  David Schwimmer.  Ben Stiller….has gray hair?  What’s going on?  Is that make-up?  So now Stiller is singing…..and he says he’s not going to stop until we raise 200 billion dollars.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.  Now he’s dancing.  They pause for a second, and he says where’re we at?  Some guy off camera says $8,000.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Now we’re getting to see Simon and Ryan in Africa again.  1.2 million people living in a space the size of Central Park.  They meet a kid….a kid….whose parents are dead.  He takes care of his seven year old sister.  He lives in a one room shack.  And the kid starts crying.  I think Simon might be crying.  I am certainly bawling my eyes out at this point.  He and his sister are all alone.  He’s 12.  And he’s a brother, and a father.  And he wants to go to school to help himself.  Simon….would you please button up your shirt!  Simon won’t look at the camera…I think he’s emotional?

Terri Hatcher begs for money and looks completely ridiculous with that dye job.  Is that what she looks like on Desperate Housewives?  Good Lord.  Forrest Whitaker asks for money.  Seacrest says he’s going to find out who’s safe in random order.  Doolittle is safe.  Oh thank goodness.  I thought she might be the shocker.  Now we’re on to Paula’s trip to the Boys and Girls Club in Hollywood.  Hollywood?  B&G Clubs are all over the nation.  The sister-in-law’s hubby runs one in Laurel.  They do a lot of good for these kids.  So one girl is trying to tell Paula how much she likes dancing….and she says it expresses who I am because my mom works three jobs and it’s hard for us to pay the bills….and then she just starts crying.  I don’t know if I can handle this….

Il Divo (how’d they get them?  Wink)  is singing ‘Somewhere’.  Ok, I am fairly certain a lot of you are not big fans of this opera group….but I am.  Sorry to disappoint you.  But I like pretty much anything that is actually good music.  Even eyebrow arching opera guy.  And the video montage in the background of even more cute kids blowing out candles, informs us that every 3 seconds a child dies in poverty.  Please.  I’m going through the entire box of Kleenex. 

Dr. Phil and Dr. House are asking us for money.  Seacrest wants someone from the audience to donate $50 to introduce the next act and what do you know – Jack Black is sitting in the audience….but instead of introducing the song…..he’s singing some Seal (from Batman Returns….hahahahahha) because he wants to be judged by the best judges in the world and points to our judges.  Oh.  My.  God.  Randy says, dawwwwwwwwwwwg.  Paula says the School of Rock, they want their diploma back.  And Simon says…well….it was better than Sanjaya.  Jack Black says if Seal was hear, he would love it.  And Randy goes, well you know what…Seal just happens to be here.  Seal says that was the best rendition I have ever heard.  Heehee.  Painfully staged, but still kind of funny.

Blake is up next and he’s safe.  Thanks for being so friggin melodramatic, Ryan.  So Carrie Underwood went to Africa too.  Every 30 seconds a child in Africa is orphaned by AIDS.  Many of them are HIV positive themselves.  This was a very pretty version of the song.  Very pretty.  I might actually put this one on my Shuffle. 

Now Ellen is introducing Rascal Flatts….well at least they do have a lot of music on this show.  Seriously….a LOT of music.  More music than the Grammy’s.  This is fun…except for the fact that I burst into tears every 3 minutes.  The co-founder of MySpace is in the audience…and they’re donating too.  So now we’re in Kentucky to see more poor kids in our own country.  Only 5 of the 233 families that have kids in the elementary school can afford $1.50 for their lunch.  Unemployment in this area is twice the national average.  Half the adults in this county did not finish high school.  Many people can’t read.  Many parents can’t read.  Paula is on stage now showing off her boobs and asking for money….oooo…..that didn’t sound good, but you know what I mean.  She is shorter than Seacrest.  Wow. 

Neat commercial in the middle of the show about an organization called One…where organizations worldwide are apparently banding together to fight poverty.  Might be a website worth checking out – www.one.org.  Now here’s the Ford commercial.  The kids are driving the mustangs to a drive in theater.  Now we have celebrities lip synching to Stayin Alive.  This was hysterical.  I mean BIG celebrities.  I had to pause the DVR for this, but I made a list – Keira Knightly, Teri Hatcher, Rob Lowe, Goldie Hawn, LeBron James, David Schwimmer, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hugh Laurie, Helena Bonham-Carter, Hugh Grant, Sarah Michele Gellar, Shaq, Dr. Phil, Seacrest (?), Helen Mirren, Blue Man Group, Marc Antony, Lisa Kudrow, Chris Cattan, American Pie guy, Will (but not Grace), Kirstie Alley, Rob Schneider, Michael Buble, Kevin Bacon, Miss Piggy, Parminder Nagra (Dr. Neela on ER).  I missed some of them…but that was most of them.

Seacrest reminds us again that the results will shock us.  Moby is standing now, and he is safe.  It was supposed to be Timberlake remember….but that would not shock me….Now we’re back to Simon and Seacrest in Africa.  One mom and 13 kids (only three are her own, the rest are AIDS orphans).  They live in a shack.  Simon cannot even stay in the room and he walks out saying, intolerable.  Then they visit another woman, who is literally dying while we watch.  Simon says, take her to hospital.  But she died two days later.  Hard to watch?  Lord help us all if this is the progress we have made in our few millennia on this planet…..Ellen is in tears (quite sincere, I believe) and tells us that she is personally donating $100,000.  And now….this is gonna make me cry like a baby - Josh Groban is singing You Raise Me Up….which is an absolutely gorgeous song, backed by the African Children’s Choir.  Yup.  Made me cry.  Like a fat hungry baby.  The kids gave him a big group hug at the end…which I’m not sure he was expecting….very cute.

The execs from Exxon are here.  Apparently, they gave a whole lot of money.  The celebrities are telling us how many funerals they have been to in their lives – Julia Roberts has been to five funerals, Keira Knightly has been to two, Helen Mirren is two, Gwyneth Paltrow is seven, Tom Cruise has been to eleven, Kevin Bacon has been to six, Matt Damon has been to seven, Chris Daughtry has been to four…..you see where this is going?  Now we get our African villager spokesman Joe and he’s been to….just guess….280.  Two hundred eighty funerals.  That’s like everyone I have ever met in my entire life.  And the chills ran right down my spine.  Malaria kills one child every 30 seconds in Africa.  The TV crew picked up a woman fifty miles away from the hospital because her baby was sick….but they didn’t make it in time to help him. 

Now Kelly Clarkson, our original Idol, is singing featuring Jeff Beck.  She’s so pretty.  Weird dress.  But man oh man can she sing.  Loved it.  Can we vote for her again?  That definitely going on the iPod.  Ben Stiller is still singing.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now we’ve got the Simpsons version of the American Idol.  Simon is trying out singing “Dontcha” and Marge (as Randy), Lisa (as Paula) and Homer (as Simon) are judging him.  Hysterical.  Now we’re back to the results.  Oprah is standing now – and she is safe.  So it’s between Chris and Jordin.  Oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...

Now more poverty in America.  We can buy “emotional” survival kits for the kids.  What?  Emotional survival?  Oh my goodness.  They’re only $25.  I think I could use one of those right now....Now we have a duet between Celine Dion and Elvis…this is kind of cool CG stuff.  Elvis was a big star for those of you who are too young to know who he was….and for those of you who are big rabid fans (you know who you are)….try to keep the drool to a minimum.  Pretty cool.  Now we get to see Madonna in Africa.  She’s in Malawi.  She’s asking for money…..help “us” in any way you can. 

Seacrest tells us that we have already raised $30 million.  But that's not even the number of votes from last night....And now we have the trivia question – Who sang the final song in last year’s season finale.  Huh…this one is kind of hard.  It was either gray-haired guy or Kissy….I can’t remember.  And now Annie Lennox.  She’s fantastic.  I love her.  And she looks good too.  And now here’s a montage of the kids saying “Thank you.”  You know what…I don’t need to retire…any time soon.  Give it all to them.  I can't stand this. 

Back to the results – between Chris and Jordin.  I have a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad feeling about this.  Chris is safe.  Jordin is going home.  Wait a minute…..now Seacrest says….I told you this was gonna be shocking……Jordin, you are also safe.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Touche!  Way to give Jordin a heart attack.  Seacrest goes, how can we send someone home on a charity night.  THANK YOU!!!  That's what I said.  Next week the bottom two are going home.  And finally we get to see Bono, the founder of one.org.  He had some very sage advice about being able to make a difference.  How would you feel, being able to save someone’s life? 

Money might not make the world go 'round gators....but it does feed starving kids.  Please.  Your latte factor can keep a child alive.  Really think about that for a moment.  You don't need to give today.  You can give tomorrow.  Or when you can afford to give.  Keep giving.  Give in someone's name.  One child.  Save just one. 

Later,

Heather

Hello American Idol Charity Balls,

The Final Six.  Seacrest is guilting us into voting by saying that we can save all the cute little kids if we call in our votes.  Ryan is going with the scruffy look tonight, in the suit.  Sexy Ryan….very sexy.  Special thanks to Ford and Coke…come on…..they have already successfully brainwashed us into buying their products without discretion.  They do not need more thanks.  Bono is the guest coach of the week.  Really?  Bono. 

Seacrest talks about Simon and him going to Africa again.  Yes….we’ve seen this already.  A twelve-year old is the head of his household.    Hell, I’m not responsible enough to take care of myself sometimes….It makes me want to cry.  Little kids are my Achilles heel.  Seriously.  Sickness, poverty, starvation…..and yet……with their wide beautiful eyes….some of them can still smile.  Poor Simon was quite taken aback by the whole affair.  He calls it ‘Hell on Earth’.  Seacrest says they have hope.  I don’t know, Seacrest…..children don’t really know how to live any other way.  When we pretend to be childlike, that’s when we find our hope. 

Timberlake is singing Eric Clapton.  Bad choice, Chris.  Clapton has such a unique voice, you may have been able to get away with this if you had an amazing voice….but alas…..you don’t.  And Clapton plays the guitar you know….quite well.  Randy loved it.  But seriously….how can you say anything negative about “inspirational” songs???  Paula says she’s proud.  I still think it sucked.  Simon said it was good.  He thinks he did really well.  I think he still has the cute little kids smiling in his head and is in an overwhelmingly magnanimous mood.  Didn’t Seacrest say something about Bono?  Did I get that wrong?

Dr. Doolittle is singing now.  But Seacrest is reminding us again to vote and says for the 8 millionth time Idol Gives Back.  Now we get to see the cute and desperate kids of our own country.  Randy went to Louisiana.  Kentucky.  Arizona.  These kids were so matter of fact about their conditions.  One kid said – we have no education and there’s no jobs.  Jesus Christ.  This kid was like ten years old.  You can’t be that young and need hope…you just can’t.  Doolittle picked some Faith (irony) Hill and talks about the hope for a better tomorrow.    Ok.  Goosebump time.  So, she can still sing.  Nothing happened in the last week to change the fact that she is our next American Idol.  Randy and Paula googoo over her.  Simon said it was original.  A vocal master class.  Seacrest comments on Simon’s shirt, which is unbuttoned too far for our prudish American modern-day taste….yucky chest hair….but apparently this is a very British style (right, Team Limejuicer?). 

Simon says again, vote….or the kids won’t get their Cokes.    I keeeed, I keeeed.  Beatbox gets an Internet question – what’s the biggest sacrifice.  He says missing his family and friends.  He’s singing John Lennon (Imagine).  You know what….they’ve picked some pretty good songs so far…..I think it’s a very sweet rendition.  I like this kid.  He’ll have a good album when this is all over.  Very nice.  Randy liked the song, but not the performance.  Just ok.  Paula says, no it’s a simple song…you did right to keep the performance simple.  It was emotional.  She enjoyed it.  Simon says you chose one of The big songs, so it’s kind of hard.  The only problem for him, was it was kind of even.  There was no crescendo.  But sincere.  Simon’s heart has been healed by those adorable kids, I think.  And all the Who’s down in Whoville sang carols and danced around the Christmas tree.  He’s still quite jolly.

We’re back [Idol Gives Back] and with every vote you call in, you have saved a life.  Really Ryan?  I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate.  But ok.  Ryan went to a ‘Feeding Center’ for the African orphans.  Ryan is pitching his heart out.  Oprah is singing some Fantasia.  I kind of hate to say this, but it sounds a little flat right at the beginning.  Like she’s singing too low.  Seems like a good song for her powerhouse voice, though.  Pretty dress.  Randy says, not your best, but I liked it.  Paula says you’re amazing and then she prattles on for a while.  Simon says, let’s sum it up, Paula preferred Fantasia’s version.  He has an issue with the shouting.  And then the audience booed him off.  Hahahahaha….

Moby is singing Garth Brooks.  He misses his family and his little baby.  Oh boy.  I thought it was ok….but I wasn’t blown away by it.  Randy said, it was good.  Whatever.  Paula says, you found your comfort.  Whatever?!?!  Simon says good choice of song, but the country tone suits your voice.  People like you.  Huh….Cowell has made up his mind who he wants to leave I think.

Miss River is singing last tonight with a showstopper.  Seacrest says, vote to raise money for the kiddies.  Vote vote vote.  And then they show us more kids just in case this blatant guilt trip has not thawed out all of your icy cold hearts yets….Quote of the clip – “No one knows that people are starving in America.”  Wow.  Except I’ve worked in Bmore too long not to know that…..Simon does seem sincerely stunned.  River is singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone.’  Pretty dress.  The Hubby very apathetically reminded me that Jerry Lewis sings this every year on the telethon….and then he started chuckle-snorting.  So, the little I actually heard of this between his completely ridiculous guffawing…was very very good.  Randy thought it was one of the best vocals  of anyone from any season (she’s 17)….woah Randy, let’s not get carried away.  Paula said, glorious.  Simon says, brilliant, fantastic.  Even though the song is 60 years old, you’d have a hit record. 

Hmmmm, so I know I haven’t done this in a while, but my pick for the Biggest Loser award this week goes to Timberlake.  Pack your bags Chris.  I think you should be going home next.  Ryan gives Jordin his tie because she’s crying and Jordin pats him on the head like the little tiny Ken doll he is…..

Seacrest tells us all to vote and the Hubby asks….what’s the number for Sanjaya?

Finally.  I can watch House without having to listen to the Hubby snicker every times he gets his call to go through….

Till tomorrow gators,

Heather

‘Heroes’ is back on.  We’re all at a business conference.  So no one is reading this.  But that’s ok, I’ll write it anyway.  Rambo Jack is now on the run.  The Spoon is calling RoboBill, I screwed up.  Oh boy.  Now the Spoon is after Jackie Boy.  Now RoboBill is lecturing the office, Jack has gone rogue and he asks Chloe if he can trust her to help him.  Come ON RoboBill, you should know by now that she is always gonna side with Jack.  After all, they’ve been through a lot together.

So Morris and Chloe are trying to work together…hmmmmm….this is awkward.  Milo points out to Chloe that Audrey is probably more important to Jack than anything else.  Good point, Milo….is this because of Nadia?  So Coma Boy is back in a Coma.  The Veep is back in power.  His Alien Aide is creeeeeeeeepy as ever with her creeeeeeeeeepy eyes.  The Veep asks Weasel Face if he can put their differences aside.  What follows is perhaps the weirdest conversation I have ever heard about the country needing stability regardless of what kind of crooked crazy man is in charge.  And we end up with Weasel Face saying he’s on the Veep’s side.  And now Weasel Face wants Karen around…hmmmm…nice change of heart.  I think ol’ Weasel is playing games here. 

So Jack tells the Chinese Water Torturers to meet him somewhere else because CTU is hot on his trail.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we find out that the Veep has the hots for the Alien Aide.  Can other people actually see her?  This isn’t like Battlestar Gallactica, is it?  So the Spoon is tracking Jack.  Morris calls Chloe hostile and they are at each other’s throats. Morris is calling Chloe irrational.  So Chloe gets Milo to help her.  And in the midst of the fight, Chloe calls him on being responsible for the whole day.  OUCH.  Oh my goodness, that was quite evil.  And quite true. 

So the Justice Department wants to talk to Karen.  And apparently he’s been talking to Mr. Hilary Swank.  Holy cow.  Reed has not vanished into the CTU Bermuda Triangle.  Swank has evidence against Karen about having Fayed and then letting him go.  Oh boy.  This is not good.  Karen says no big deal, it’s all legit.  Justice Guy says, then why retire?  Justice Guy says someone has to be responsible – either you or RoboBill….you decide.  Oh boy. 

So Karen tells Weasel Face about Swank.  Weasel Face points out that is should be RoboBill who takes the blame.  Umm…..I don’t think Weasel is married.  Is Karen loyal to Coma Boy or to her Hubby.  Listen…..I know just based on the divorce rate in this country many of you (generic You) would have no problem turning in your Hubby….but if you have ever been in love, then you know….that could never happen.

Rambo Jack asks RoboBill to take care of Audrey.  Quite poignant.  Everyone is getting very mushy in this episode….this is very out of character for the whole show.  Morris requests a transfer to get away from his ex-wife.  RoboBill says ok.  Karen talks to RoboBill now and explains the situation – and in very dramatic RoboBill fashion…he says, how are you gonna distance yourself from me, I’m your husband.  He is ridiculously unemotional about the whole thing.  He hangs up on her.  Good man.  I would hang up too.  You’re an ass, Karen. 

The Spoon has found him.  Oh boy.  Now RoboBill wants to talk to Nadia.  He’s quitting….ummmm….hasn’t he already done this?  He tells Nadia he was fired.  Nadia is acting director.  That’s a big change from being tortured about three hours ago.  RoboBill says, do the best you can.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Nice advice.  Nadia says, it shouldn’t be me.  RoboBill says, yes it should.  So now, it’s all up to the teeny tiny Muslin model. The look on Morris’ face is priceless (does this mean no transfer?).  Milo is rolling his eyes.  Chloe is biting her lip. 

 So the Spoon has got him.  The Water Torturer’s pull up in their limo.  Mista Bower?  Loose Chang says, bring in Audrey?  Rambo Jack says…..I’m sorry.  Audrey has to walk away.  Our most desperate moments are our saddest moments.  Rambo Jacks throws Loose Chang the circuit and then the Spoon screws everything up.  Well, we all saw that coming from a mile away.  And the Water Torturers have a rocket launcher….well of course they do.  The Black Hummers disappear into the night.  Rambo Jack explains to the Spoon that you screwed it all up.  Stupid Spoon.  Nadia says place Jack under arrest. 

And the cruelest blow of all……..poor Audrey………doesn’t even know……that she’s been saved.

Oh Lordy this episode was very emotional. 

I think I care how it ends now…..oh boy.

Later,

Heather

Heather

Well. This got much better than I expected….

Heather

Now…I could just keep complaining about the Sanjaya Fever that has consumed America’s less intelligent…or less mature population….but I won’t. Seacrest is wearing yet another slick suit. Say hello to Randy, Paula and Simon (grey IS a color, kids). This week is J-Lo week. Seacrest introduces is to her and her career…just in case we’ve been living under a rock for the last decade. J-Lo says America wants someone to take their breath away…not necessarily someone who hits the high notes.

Doolittle is singing first. J-Lo says “Be sexy”. Melinda says….ugh….I’m so not sexy. Heehee. You’re really not….but confidence can be very sexy, right boys? She sounds great of course….but….hmmmm….not very sexy. Kind of kind of boring. Ya know? Not that she has anything to worry about….but what a surprise. Randy can’t say anything bad to her….Paula says sultry and smooth….more subtle, less wow. Cowell says, it had to happen. I didn’t like it. He says you appeared much older than you are, a bit lazy, a little bit wooden. Seacrest says were you scared of what Simon would say and she goes….get this….you know what, he really wanted to say something bad and I’m glad he finally got the chance. That was cute. That was really cute. That may be the first time someone has had a chance to completely nullify everything he said. Snap.

Viewer question for Oprah – what made you try out for AI? We already know this. Don’t you remember the auditions? Single mom, better life, sob story. She needed help pronouncing ‘congo’. And now she’s teaching her how to dance. I think I’d be more excited about getting dance lessons from J-Lo, than singing lessons. Come on Oprah, crack a smile. Pleeeeeeeeeeease. One little smile. She’s so serious. You know what? I don’t really like this. I really don’t. She looks very uncomfortable. Very out of her element. Randy says, you know what I loved about that? You were having a good time…..really Randy? How the hell could you tell? Paula says, you’re pretty. Paula thinks it was safe. How about Paula…going out on a limb like this. Simon agrees with Paula. You may have been having fun….but no one else was. Simon says the dancing wasn’t very good. Heehee.

Seacrest is talking about Idol Gives Back and more acts – Rascall Flatts, Annie Lennox, Earth Wind & Fire, Survivor……(just kidding). Timberlake is singing a Carlos Santana/Rob Thomas song. Hmmmmm….I hope this is good. Jenny said they brought it up a whole step….but it starts out and he sounds very low. Very low….and very flat. Well….not very flat. I don’t think Chris has any Latino spirit in him. Come on Chris! Shake your body!!! <sigh> I thought it was another boring performance. I can’t believe this….this could have been such a cool night. Randy and Paula liked it….but they’re insane. Simon said it wasn’t a great vocal, but it felt more contemporary. No. No Ryan, I don’t want to vote for him.

Ringling Brothers has earned herself a new nickname – Legs. She is singing Gloria Estefan- Turn the Beat Around. J-Lo tells her how to sing Latino rap songs. I seriously don’t think it matters much what she sounds like anymore….the Hubby is completely enraptured. Wow, she is singing all the words…not that I can understand them AND she is walking quickly around the stage in those mile high heels. I am actually kind of impressed with the performance. Very fun. Randy says he doesn’t like it, really karaoke. Shut up Randy. Paula says you had fun. Simon says wear the least amount of clothing as possible, you can’t win with your voice. He couldn’t understand the vocals. Props to Legs for taking advantage of her assets. Heehee.

Moby is singing now and he is totally weirded out by singing in front of her. That’s so cute. He’s singing Maria Maria (Santana). Good song for him. Is it just me….or is he getting better? This is weird. Could have used some Carlos Santana on the guitar though…<frowny face>….That stupid hat is so not Latino Moby….you could have done better with the accessorizing. Randy didn’t like it. Is he on crack tonight? It didn’t all come together for me….Paula thought it was a real good vocal….is she on crack? Not agreeing with everyone. Weird. Cowell thought it was lifeless, and then said a lot of other stuff…but get this, Moby’s little daughter (I am assuming not the newborn) got a Simon Cowell doll and calls it Simon Cow. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

River is answering Viewer Questions and she would pick an 80’s theme if it was her choice. <smile> Well….that may have gotten her a vote from me. Then Seacrest says weren’t you born in the 80’s and she says yeah, ’89. <sigh> Nevermind. She is singing The Rhythm is gonna get you…another Gloria Estefan song. She certainly has a better voice than Gloria…..but you know what this may be too hard for the kiddies. They just can’t get in the groove. Although….she seemed better than everyone else. Randy says again that she is 17, and he loved it. Paula says you’re authentic and you’re you, you’re adorable. Simon says, I feel about you how I’ve felt all night. It was ok. I agree. Kind of a blah night.

Beatbox is singing now, and he picked a Marc Antony song. Oh boy. I think J0Lo likes him. At least he can dance. And he’s got the snazzy hat on….Come on Blake….cut loose!!! He sounds great. Not as good as Mr. Jennifer Lopez….and he never really got into it. Oh well. I was really counting on him. Randy liked it. Paula says it captured the essence of who you are. Simon says best choice of song and best performance so far. I agree. Best of the night.

Sanjaya is singing last. J-Lo says she likes it. You’re kidding me. This may be the key to Bollywood….sing in a foreign language. Great….all the teeny boppers are crying in their seats, I can see it now. <sigh> I really really really hate to admit this…..but…………<retch>………..that may have been pretty good. Maybe. Randy says you’re one of the smartest contestants I have ever met, that was actually pretty good. Paula says, good pitch and really nice. Cowell says, I couldn’t understand a word of it. You sang it like a 14 year old. And I’m gonna hate myself for this….but it wasn’t that bad. Oh hell.

I think I can feel the rotation of the planet slowing down………..

Till tomorrow gators,

Heather

I need to preface today’s recap by saying that I got home last night after spending the entire day rooting and screaming for the Ou’s (Baltimore pronunciation) in sub-zero degree weather.  Besides the fact that my eyebrows still have not thawed out….it was a good game.  The Ou’s won….beat the Tigers.  We were sitting in Section 6 next to the scoreboard.  And I got my Ou’s magnet for the car….very exciting.  The reason I am telling you all this is…..it was a long day….and I was delirious with fatigue by the time we got home…..so this probably won’t make any sense at all….

The day started at 6 a.m.  It’s now 10 p.m.  (I mean the show, not my day)  You remember the way last week ended, with Coma Boy launching the nukes?  So….this should be interesting…Weasel Face is pleading with Coma Boy to not launch the nukes.  Now, either I have completely lost it, or else it’s a little late for this conversation.  Karen calls RoboBill to ask him to lie to Coma Boy about the status of the bomb hunt.  RoboBill says, you know I can’t do that.  Oh sure….bend the rules for everyone else….but you can’t lie to the President.  <sheesh>  What a hypocrite.  Four minutes to impact and the Ambassador from our Mystery Country calls and says “Please stop!!”  Coma Boy shows some surprising chutzpa and tells him you better come up with some answers or else we will blow your Mystery Country in to a million tiny pieces.  So Ambassador says, oh yeah…we forgot to tell you…there’s this General who we’re interrogating who has the answers.  Huh.  This seems very convenient.  But Coma Boy has his answers and says abort the mission.  Oh.  Oh yeah.  I guess that was always an option.  It did not occur to me last week that you could abort.  And then we find out that they weren’t even real bombs.  Well….hand that man an Oscar because I was certainly fooled.  I kind of like this new Bad Ass Prez.  That’s something kind of different….of course with his hands shaking like that….we’re probably going to find out in a couple of minutes that he has brain damage or something.

So Jack is beating the crap out of Fayed.  Yesssssssssssssssssssss.  Go Jack.  Drill him in the shoulder!!!  RoboBill calls with Update #1 of the night and tells Jack about Habib.  The Spoon says, ‘Oo.  OO.  Me next!!!  I want to torture somebody!!!’  Jack says, just relax Spoon, I’m in command here.  So they are transporting Fayed back to CTU for Burke’s Carnival of Chemical Interrogation.  And Burke looks like such a normal person.  But get this, as they are deciding to move Fayed…Jack goes….”Now we’re gonna have some fun.”  Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes!!!  Scary Jack gives me the eebie geebies.  FUN?  That’s fun for you?!?  <nervous laugh>  Ok….most people have more mainstream hobbies like building miniature battleships or polishing Corvettes….that sort of thing.  So they’re moving Fayed and the van gets hijacked.  You know what…I am so sick of this….shouldn’t they know by now that this sort of thing always…..oh.  Oh, they did know.  My bad.  So Fayed has been ‘rescued’ by a fake terrorist team to get him to talk.  Brilliant!!  Except now he wants to talk to Habib.  Oh s%^t.  Why can’t this ‘saving the world’ nonsense ever be easy!!

Coma Boy asks Ambassador if anyone has threatened Habib’s family to get him to talk and everyone acts so shocked about this suggestion.  Come ON!!  Like you never chopped anyone’s hands off before to get some information…<shaking my head>…..let’s just stop pretending people.  Oh, and we find out that Sandra has gone to see Walid.  So he apparently still exists somewhere in the 24 Universe.  Milo is jealous of the Spoon because Nadia asked if he needed medical assistance.  Come on Milo….why shouldn’t she be suddenly attracted to the guy who was torturing her like two hours ago?  Maybe she’s in to that?  You never know.  Morris steps in and says is everything ok?  <remember this is his fault….he enabled the bombs….remember?>  So they get Habib on the phone to talk to Fayed, except he warns Fayed with some kind of secret code word, which Nadia (not a spy?) figures out.  RoboBill calls with Update #2 to tell Jack about the set-up and so Jack calls the fake terrorist team to tell them about the set-up except now it’s too late. 

The fake terrorist team has apparently been foiled by the real terrorist team in the Magic Tunnel of Cellphone Interference.  Jack runs in to the Tunnel…by himself….to thwart the rescue attempt….which apparently was simply Fayed shooting an entire CTU team and getting away.  Jack sees Fayed stealing a truck and so….naturally…..he climbs under the truck to hitch a ride.  Then………this was hysterical………..he tries calling RoboBill for Update #3 from the bottom of the truck.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Come on.  That’s just ridiculous.  I hope they don’t go over any speed bumps.  Fayed gets to the safehouse with Jack still on board.  Fayed tells his men, get the bombs and let’s get the hell out of here.  So Jack:

1. Does not call for back-up. 

2. Ninja’s the look-out and creeps inside with one gun.  

3. Opens fire on an entire room full of terrorists….who he manages to kill pretty quickly and now he’s fighting with Fayed. 

Come on Jack….you already beat the crap out of him like 20 minutes ago….this can’t be too hard.  After a gruesome fight, Jack hangs him in some chains.  So the terrorists are dead.  The bombs have been located.  Coma Boy’s veins are exploding as we speak.  Jack has survived another harrowing experience and close call with imminent death to save the world from nuclear annihilation.  But wait………………………………………………………..

It’s only 10 p.m.?!?!?!?  We still have like…SEVEN hours to go?  Um………..what the hell is going on here?

And then the phone rings.  Something bad always happens when the phone rings…..it’s for Jack.  Hello?  It’s Audrey.  Well…of course it is.

Are we having fun yet?  Yes.  Yes, we are.

So, we have a few people who are MIA, including Unabomber (is he dead or not?), his Crazy Wife (jail?), Walid (not that I really care about his character), and Papa Bauer (?????????).  All pictures on the sides of milk cartons in the CTU cafeteria.  And our man Jack has been shot, stabbed, blown up, beaten, quit, and come back…..all after getting released from a Chinese prison where he was apparently tortured…………this morning.  Just want to make sure none of you forget this.  A lot has happened.  Maybe he’s invincible.  Maybe he’s immortal.  Or maybe he’s just a killer.  <smile>  The following takes place between 9p.m. and 10p.m.

The Dead Zone Prez is asking for adrenaline to keep him looking perky for the Cabinet.  Doctor Death explains that his veins could explode….but the Prez says….you know what, this venti espresso just isn’t cutting it….so shoot me up, Doc.  Jack checks in with RoboBill and tells him about Boris and his offer to give them Fayed.  RoboBill says, it’s your call Jack.  You know what I am realizing here…..RoboBill doesn’t do a whole lot.  He talks to people on the phone.  He’s an updater.  He tells Jack that the Veep is challenging the Prez under the 25^th amendment.  Doctor Doom testifies that the Prez should be ok.  The Prez says, just because I was in a coma 12 minutes ago doesn’t mean I can’t rule this country.  The Veep says anyone who doesn’t agree with me must be insane.  The Cabinet gets 10 minutes to decide the fate of mankind.

We’re back at CTU and Milo is telling Nadia not to forget about The Kiss.  <sigh>  Milo, Milo….<head shaking>…..now the Spoon wants to talk to Nadia.  He says sorry we got off on the wrong foot.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  You throttled her, Spoon…..but go ahead and call that the ‘wrong foot’.  Nadia at least calls him on his ridiculous understatement.  The Spoon wants her to spy on Milo, he thinks Milo is to blame for the security parameter screw up thing.  Why do I have to keep reminding these people that Morris is the one that gave them the bombs?  He was the one that was drilled in the back.  He’s the one that’s a relapsing alcoholic.  Shouldn’t he be high on the list of screw ups?  So anyway, Spoon convinces Nadia that she should sneak around behind Milo’s back for his own good.  Um….where did Fork go?

Weasel Face is explaining to the Cabinet that tonight you vote for who you want to win, not who you want to vote off the island.  It’s a tie.  Well.  That’s dramatic.  Except the sore loser Veep says, hold on.  Karen doesn’t count because she quit.  Everybody gets very huffy.  The AG said we need the Supreme Court.  And the Prez is looking pretty woozy.  Weasel Face is telling the Veep that he’s on the side of the American People.  I cannot stand that this guy is supposed to be a good now….that’s just weird.  Nadia finds out the Milo screwed up….but then the Spoon fixes it…..which I’m sure is against the law in some way……but since no one who works for CTU apparently has any regard for the laws of this nation, why not.  The Spoon quotes the Koran.  And then tells Nadia that he’s read all the religious texts and not found his answers….why was that such a weird comment to make?  A lot of people are agnostic Spoon, get over yourself.  And Milo doesn’t trust Nadia again.  Wow….he’s pretty wishy washy, isn’t he?  Karen is blubbering to RoboBill on the phone about everything being her fault.  It’s not your fault Karen, it’s Morris’ fault.  RoboBill tells her you don’t have to thank me for listening to you, that’s my job.  Great.  RoboBill clearly does not appreciate how badly women will misinterpret Man-Speak.  That’s your job?!?!?!  You moron.

Oh yeah….the nukes.  So, we’re back to Jack and Boris………finally.  They’re meeting Fayed at the pier.  Scary Sandra is explaining to the Prez that you’re good to go.  You’re going to win.  Blondie is explaining to the Veep that he’s going to lose.  And then she’s says, but I can lie for you.  The ends justify the means.  Blah blah blah.  And then they tried to make it like she’s attracted to the Veep.  Yuck.  Really?  Then Weasel Face pops his head on.  Oh by the way, I bugged the room.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Snap.  That’s brilliant.  He’s got you!!!  Sucker.  Ok, so maybe I like him as a good guy.  Maybe.

So they’re pumping Boris full of some kind of alien serum that they will be able to track.  Come on.  What the hell.  Am I really supposed to believe this?  So they drop Boris and his Kryptonite-filled arm off at the pier.  He gets a text that says meet me around the corner.  Jack follows.  Boris tells Fayed that they’ve got him, but don’t worry, I can get us out of this.  Jack, it’s a trap?!?!?  Oh.  Nevermind.  It’s not.  He just chopped his arm off.  Um.  Ok.  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  So, Fayed and the One-Armed Man walk into a bar.  Boris goes, that’s the guy.  Get him.  All the alcoholics at the bar start going after Fayed, so he shoots a few them.  And then Jack shows up before they can beat him to death.  Awww, Jack, you’re no fun.  The Prez makes Doctor Who shoot him up again.  So what if my veins explode.  I need my wits about me.  RoboBill tells the Prez, this is gonna take a while.  Boris slumps away under the pier, where he will presumably bleed to death.  Karen wants to make nice with Weasel Face but then….they find out that the Prez is launching the bombs anyway?!?!?  No no no no no no, this isn’t right.  So, what was the point Coma Boy?  Why’d we even bother exploding your veins if this was all you were going to do?  But he did.  No last minute phone calls.  Bombs away! 

The one thing about livin’ in Santa Carla I never could stomach…………….all the damn nuclear bombs.

This is gonna get weird.

They kept the drone pilot alive….for like three seconds.  RoboBill tells Jack about the nuking plan….and he says, ‘What’s he trying to do?  Start WWIII?  Yes.  Yes, Jack he is…Boris and Fayed aren’t getting along.  Heehee.  Awesome, make the two guys that can blow up the world start going at each other.  Trouble in paradise.  Awesome.  Boris calls some random white guy to get security specs or something….except our random White Guy is actually using his Rainman brother to do the dirty work.  Well….of course he is.

Milo is spying on Nadia.  I guess he feels guilty for treating her like a traitor.  You should, jackass.  How can you possibly think that she is a terrorist spy?  She’s so tiny.  Chloe of course spotted the phone call from Boris to the random White Guy….so now Jack is on his way to do some interrogatin’.  And what’s this?  Some new guy talking to the Spoon.  He’s found evidence that will clear Nadia.  Ok, so let’s call him Fork.  For all you sci-fi nerds out there, he was on Stargate for a while.  But then Fork gives Spoon the evidence and alludes once again to the ‘incident in Denver’…..oh Fork.

So there is absolutely no chance that Scary Sister (aka Sandra) is going to agree with Karen and risk damaging her brother’s brain…………right?  Goes to show ya what I know.  She says, find me the doctor and let’s get this loser woken up.  HAHAHAHA.  That really didn’t take a whole lot of convincing.  It took like what?  Four minutes?  I think I would have taken at least 12 to decide about my sister.  And then while Weasel Face is briefing the Veep about possible mortality rates and consequences of a nuclear attack (? I wish I was paid to do that – yeah, you’re screwing us…that’s my assessment), the Veep finds out about the Awakening.  Uh oh.

Jack is busting down random White Guy’s door…but before we got to that, did anyone else notice the shameless product placement of Sprint’s Picture Mail?  <sigh>  I’m a Verizon person myself….Rainman is upset that they shot his brother.  So Jack is talking to him.  Oh geez….I don’t know if I’d let psycho Jack handle this guy….but that’s just me.  And now random White Guy has to make Rainman help get Boris or else Rainman will be tried for treason.  Give me a break.  Don’t let anything happen to him Jack!!! 

So Fork gives Milo the scoop on Spoon and Milo runs after the Spoon screaming about Denver.  Would somebody please tell me what the hell happened in Denver?!?!?!  This is ridiculous.  But the Spoon apparently gave the computer chip or whatever the hell it was to Morris and Morris (he was tortured remember? This is his fault remember?) comes running over and says, no…no everything’s ok.  RoboBill tells everyone to calm down, he’ll get to Nadia when he has time.  He’s such a care bear.  Milo apologizes.  And the Spoon tells the Fork to fork off.  Heehee. 

RoboBill lets Nadia go and in typical super-empathetic RoboBill-fashion tells her, don’t quit.  We need you.  There is absolutely no chance…no chance….I would not have at the very least turned around and said some nasty profanities to his face.  But I probably would have stuck around too.  And here’s Chloe with the comic relief for the week.  She goes….wow, I was so sure she was a traitor…..this is gonna be awkward.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ya think?  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.  Milo feels guilty.  Nadia tells him to back off.  And here we go….walking down Wisteria Lane.  Milo runs after her.  She says there’s no chance anything will happen between us.  And then……then……he grabs her and kisses her.                                Huh.                             Really.                               Well ok then.                             “I still wanted to say I’m sorry.”                       And just as I am being swept away in a nuclear age romance, Creepy Chloe is staring at them and I come crashing back down to reality.

The Doctor is saying the Prez will have brain damage, we have to re-induce the coma.  And Scary Sis says no.  You know what?  I don’t think I’d want her for a sister.  And by the way….it’s the president.  Should they really be calling for a code team when he crashes?  Shouldn’t these people just be in the room?  Jack’s prepping Rainman and assuring him that all airlines have crashed at some point.  The Alpha. Bravo and Charlie teams are in place.  Here comes Boris.  And there goes Boris with a ridiculously large elephant tranquilizer to the neck.  And nothing happens to Rainman.  Well good.  Some guy asks Jack if he wants help interrogating Boris and he says…huh….no.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  I think that meant, I’m gonna kick this guy in the face so you’d better stay out of my way.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Yessssssssssssss.  But then Boris wants to deal.  He’ll give Jack Fayed who has the bombs.  For crying out loud.  Will somebody please go to prison!!!!  The Veep says launch the nukes.  Weasel Face says no, you can’t.  The Veep says, I AM SURPEME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE AND THIS PIDDLY PLANET AND ALL ITS INHABITANTS SHALL FEAR ME!!!!!  Well…..that’s not exactly what he said.  But you get the idea.  I really thought they launched them.  For like 0.4 seconds, I was thinking…now how are they gonna get around this one?  And then of course, they get the call.  The Prez is back from the dead zone and he says, the decision is mine.

And then….this is classic…..truly truly American.  The Veep goes…………somebody get me a lawyer!!!!!!!!  

Call Wapner, I bet he knows a few.

<smile>

So, let’s recap.  One nuclear bomb has gone off.  Two Presidents are down for the count.  And Jack has killed, wounded or maimed about 937 people with no repercussions.  And its 7 p.m.  <smile>  Man….I really love this show.  So Fayed and Boris are arming the drones in the desert.  They launch one off and it looks like some cool Playstation game.  And then we’re back at CTU for this hour’s episode of the Love Boat.  Milo apparently likes Nadia.  Well, he must like her because he gave her his security clearance pass code or whatever.  And then Chloe finds out and in true Chloe hypocritical holier than thou fashion, she reminds everyone that it’s a felony to share your super secret code.  Go ahead and break the law, just be careful about it.  Nice.  Thanks Chloe.  I take that back, you’re not a hypocrite.  Morris is apparently completely fine now.  Oh, he was tortured?  Oh, he enabled all the bombs which is the reason we’re in this mess right now?  Oh…………I forgot all about that. 

The Veep wants to rain hellfire down on everyone.  He’s quite bloodthirsty, isn’t he?  My bomb is bigger than yours….and so on.  Well, why not start WWIII.  That should be a fun way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.  I have decided that this is all taking place on a Tuesday….because Monday is just way too cliché.  Jack is back at CTU in one piece.  RoboBill could care less, as usual.  Thanks for trying Jack, but everyone got away and now we can’t find the bombs.  And then………..oh, this was fantastic………….then he finds out that Audrey is dead.  AUDREY IS DEAD!!!!  You have got to be f&^%^&ing kidding me.  Listen…I can understand not wanting to be on the show anymore, but did they really have to kill her off?  Jack goes ballistic……..I can feel Rambo Jack getting closer and closer.  He is sooooooooooooo pissed.  <evil wringing of my hands> This is gonna be goooooooooood.

Karen is finally off the plane or out of the airport or whatever and back with Weasel Face trying to talk down the maniacal Veep.  I’m glad they still hate each other, her and Weasel Face.  At least that’s sort of realistic.  Women hold grudges…..don’t we boys?  Back aboard the Love Boat and Milo is suspicious of Morris.  Come on Milo, doubting Morris was so three hours ago.  He tells Chloe to check his breath and so she marches over and plants a big wet one on him.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then, get this, she says, I was just checking your breath.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Classic.  And then we find out there’s a Mole in CTU.  Well, of course there is.  Isn’t there always?  But then we find out that supposedly its Nadia?!?!?!?!?  You’re kidding me.  No chance.  I think we’re just playing ‘Blame the tiny non-threatening Muslim model…I mean agent’.  The Spoon goes after her.  He’s awfully hostile, isn’t he? 

And now Karen wants to bring the Prez out of coma so he can nix the Veep’s diabolical plan for total world annihilation.  But that might give him brain damage.  And oh look, there’s his sister.  Forget the Love Boat….this is Days of Our Lives.  So Jack’s been beaten to smithereens, but he still wants in on the op to take down the drone pilot.  And of course, RoboBill says sure.  Why not.  You’re clearly not in your right mind.  But go ahead, take a gun and shoot some more people.  No problem.  They break down the doors with 3 minutes left to save San Francisco.  And what a surprise, Chloe knows how to pilot a drone too!!!  HAHAHAHA.  Come on Jack, any eight year old could get that thing turned around.  And he gets it turned around and crashes it out in the middle of nowhere…..sort of.  But we all know it’s never that easy, right?  The Veep says, launch the nukes.  Karen and Weasel Face join sides.  Nadia tells Milo to get out of her face.  Jack is planning revenge on Audrey’s murderers.  The Spoon is trying to figure out how he can torture some people without it being weird.  And Chloe just wants a normal life.

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but a slow leak from a cracked nuclear bomb.

First things first.  Matt was absolutely right.  It’s Ricky Shroder.  That’s how it was listed in the credits.  Sorry for trying to correct you when I clearly have no idea what I’m talking about.  The Silver Spoon looks old to me, but you know what…..I think he has the exact same haircut he had on that show!  So Milo is back, apparently no worse for wear.  I guess he gets to take a 1-2 hour break because he’s a supervisor.  We start off with Chloe scowling at the Unabomber.  Nice.  “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent.  I’m gonna go.”  Huh….I wonder if this would work on QA?  <smile>  So Milo apparently knows the Spoon, from back in Denver and there’s a whole other story that they’re not gonna tell us.  Jack sees Russian Guy #3 dead at the bottom of the stairs and then kills Russian Guy #4 with the other guy’s belt.  Awesome.  Now give him a roll a duct tape and a Swiss army knife and I think he could get out of this place!!  He at least looks like he has a few broken ribs….something tells me they will heal miraculously fast.  I like how he knocked out power to the building (or was it just the lights) by tapping his gun against the fuse box.    

And here’s Unabomber.  He still wants to help save the world even after Chloe scowled at him.  He thinks the Russian Prez needs to be involved and who better to do that than his craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy wife!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s fantastic.  Send the Crazy Lady in for negotiations.  This should be good.  What the hell is Buchanan thinking?  Great idea Unabomber.  Let’s go with that.  So everyone is giving the Spoon some attitude and then he starts choking Morris………AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE……Morris was just tortured you heartless thug!!!!!!!!!!  Has everyone in that place forgotten that?  And here’s Milo to the rescue.  Let my people go!  HAHAHAHA.  Milo….something tells me that the Spoon could kick your ass if properly provoked. 

Now we’re back to the Veep and Weasel Face and all of their plotting.  The Veep wants Weasel Face to lie about Assad.  Weasel Face agrees, but I’m confused.  Why in the world does the Veep trust him?  You should have killed him Swank….should have killed him when you had the chance.  And now we’re back to the Crazy Lady and what’s this?  It’s Aaron!!!  The trusty valiant honorable ex-Secret Service agent.  Awwwwwwwwww….I like Aaron.  And then we get to go through all the back and forth between Unabomber and Crazy Lady – help me.  No.  Help me.  No.  Help me.  No.  Blah blah blah blah  I had almost forgotten why these two annoyed me so much.  Almost.  But then, get this….she stabs him with the kiwi knife.  That was classic, ladies and gentlemen.  The kiwi knife.  Stabs him right in the chest and then acts like she’s a hero.  That’s the second president out of commission in one day.  Oh and by the way Crazy Lady….you still need to talk to Mrs. Russian First Lady and save the day.  No problem.

Except of course that doesn’t work.  Unleash the Spoon!!!  The attack on the Consulate is disturbingly easy.  All the Russians are apparently terrible marksman.  I don’t think one of the Americans got hurt or killed.  That’s why we won the cold war.  Jack and the Spoon meet.  Don’t try anything with Jacky boy, Spoon.  He’ll clip your fingers off with a cigar cutter.  I’ve seen him do it.  So Boris the Blade and Fayed are arming the drone nuclear bombs….thanks to Morris.  But I am surprisingly optimistic.  Something tells me that the Spoon and Jack will be an amazing superhero duo.  Hey….wait a minute……..where’s Karen!!!

AS PROMISED:

Jack Bauer – Jacky Boy, Rambo

Bill Buchanan – RoboBill

Lenox – Weasel Face

Graem Bauer – Baldy

Reed Pollack – Swank

Phillip Bauer – Papa Bauer

Unabomber – Charles Logan

VP Noah Daniels – Veep

Gredenko – Boris the Blade

I told you guys the Prez wasn’t dead, didn’t I?  Unabomber is getting all snuggly with Jack.  Don’t trust him!!!  He’s a snake!!!  He’ll betray you!!!  Right?  I am so confused about this guy….there’s no chance he’s actually good…….right?  “I know what it’s like to be alone.”  Listen pally, there’s a whole world of difference between being tortured by the Chinese and living in your posh secluded mansion……….a whole WORLD of difference.  I’m surprised Jack didn’t pop him right in the nose when he started making that comparison.

Now, Mr. Hilary Swank doesn’t want to kill Weasel face?  You’re a loser.  Just kill the guy, it’s the only way to make sure you are safe.  But nooooooooooooo, we’re not murderers….oh really?  I think the Oxford English dictionary might disagree with you Swank.  But, I gotta say, I really loved the part when Swank tries to convince Weasel that he has to keep his mouth shut and then what’s the very first thing he does?  Turns them in!!!!  AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA….take that Swank!  Teach you to trust ol’ Weasel face!! 

Unabomber wanted to see the Russian guy alone…….what did I tell you?  He’s definitely planning something….oh……..oh wait………..what’s this?  He’s acting kind of like………….Jack?  He knows a liar when he sees one.  Yeah.  I bet you do.  So the Russian guy calls the other Russian guy and then Jack decides he needs to go back and talk to the first Russian guy.  Why are these foreign consulates so easy to break into? 

KAREN!!!!  STILL AT THE AIRPORT!!!   Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha…..I almost fell off the couch laughing at that one….I seriously didn’t even hear what they were saying…..

Who’s the blonde with the Veep?  Has she been in this show before?  She looks familiar….now I’m totally paranoid about all the characters….any one of them could be the one who ends up killing Jack.  Because seriously………if he survives his Rambo meltdown…….I will be completely stunned.  I like the fact that Jack speaks perfect Russian.  Nice touch.  So he gets inside, sticks a gun in the Russian’s face and starts the Jack-Scream.  You know what I’m talking about – “TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW OR I WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!”  Yessssssssssssss.  Russian guy hits the panic button and now “we have a situation.”  Seriously………the comic relief for the week was this entire conversation with Buchanan.  “Bill, we have a situation.”  Thank you king of the understatements.  Thank you for making that clear.  And what does Bill say?  Good luck.  Basically, that was the gist of it.  Good luck trying to get out of this one, Jack. 

But hey……..before it all goes completely down the drain, Jack did get back to his old torturing ways.  Cut off a finger with the cigar cutter!  Classic.  Do it again!!!  Cut off another one!!!  Oh…….oh sorry, let me compose myself here.  Needless to say, I was very happy that they brought him back and then BLAMO!!  He gets blown up.  Just like the Prez.  What’s this?  This isn’t supposed to happen?  Jack is supposed to get away. 

The Veep says something about the Price of War in his speech to the nation.  That sounds like it should be a movie title.  And hey, Morris can speak Russian too and crack their codes and is apparently completely fine now.  RoboBill wants to send in Special Ops after Jack.  And Jack is begging Russian guy #3 to help him.  HELP HIM you commie %^&^%$.  But did that work?  Nyet.  Not at all.  Russian guy #4 shoots him in the head.  Huh.  This is getting interesting now.  The Russians are all shooting each other and Jack has been captured.  This should get really really interesting.

Alright so Weasel face isn’t a bad guy…now I have to like him?  And Mr. Hilary Swank is having second thoughts?  So the bad guys are actually good guys and the real bad guys aren’t all that bad either.  This is totally pathetic.  At least Fayed didn’t flinch once when he drilled a hole in the back of Morris.  Bad guys should be really bad.  That is the only way I am going to care at all.  And now Unabomber is a born-again fanatic?!?!?!?!  What the hell is happening here!!  He was such a sniveling evil meanie last season!!!  He was the perfect character!!  This is too much for me to handle.  Who am I supposed to hate now?  Oh………oh, I know.  It’s Morris, isn’t it?

<sigh>  Morris, Morris…..I haven’t decided exactly how he is going to go down in his heroic self-sacrificing blaze of glory……….but it’s definitely going to happen.  Now they are slowly draining everyone’s confidence in his abilities.  When Nadia says to Chloe – you know he was just tortured, maybe he can’t handle this….I just about fell off the couch laughing…..YES.  HE WAS TORTURED YOU MORONS!!!  Maybe we shouldn’t be placing national security responsibilities on a man who enabled a nuclear bomb for terrorists….and they’re worried about Nadia taking them down…..<sheesh>.  And Chloe storming into the men’s room…..classic.  But I’m confused, was he actually drinking….or did he swig that much of the bottle down the first time?  But don’t believe him Chloe!!!  Call the other sponsor, don’t let him guilt you into feeling bad, alcoholics are all liars, come ON!!!!  And where did Milo go?  People just mysteriously disappear off this show occasionally….it’s very disturbing.  He must have gotten sucked into the CTU black hole with Karen…..who is apparently flying from D.C. to L.A. via Mars. 

I’m even more confused about Papa Bauer.  Good guy?  Clearly not all that bad since he pointed Jack to Unabomber….unless it’s all a scam….unless they’re going to pull the carpet from under Jackie boy yet again.  Unless they’re going to get his hopes and then go…..Oh….oh wait…..sorry…..you know that country you’ve been bleeding for the last few years……yeah, we’re going to blow it up now.  And THAT’S when he goes totally Rambo.  See guys, I could write this show.  I can lose all touch with reality and the basic laws of human behavior.  If Papa Bauer doesn’t turn out to be the Gnome King, then this Gredenko character better be the next Adolph Hitler….because I need to be happy when Jack kills people.  It’s the only reason I watch this show.  Redemption?  Naaaaaaaaaaaah….give some good old-fashioned revenge any day of the week.  Yipee ki yay….

So they blew up another Palmer.  I don’t think he’s dead….but seriously this family is the next Kennedy clan….and I think Sister Palmer should join a convent or go into witness protection….this is ridiculous.  And how are they going to convince Weasel Face not to blab to everyone?  They should have killed him right away.  Left is right….white is black….the bad guys are good guys now…..the Arabs have three more nuclear bombs………and the Russians have managed to steel top secret drone weapons from us…..<shaking my head>

I am Fonzie.  I am going to get on these water skis.  And I’m going to jump over that….

But I’ll be glued to the TV next week without a doubt….hopefully Jack will kill a few people.

Since I was very much in the mood for some exciting television after watching Clint Bowyer finish the Daytona 500 upside down and on fire, I was hoping we would get the inevitable standoff between Jack and Papa Bauer.  And naturally, we did.  But first things first….the Morris and Milo show has entered the next phase.  I wonder who Chloe will pick?  Morris – her alcoholic nuclear bomb-enabling ex-husband, OR behind door #2 Milo – the “hero” who managed to get shot and wreck a UPS van.  Choices, choices.  And of course Jack saved the day.  Of course he did.  I will never get tired of that.  Him showing up and screaming at people, and shoving his gun in their faces.  Yeah….I think I would have surrendered too.  But then Marilyn spills the beans about Papa….and poor Jack is surprised.  You know what?  I don’t think I’d be surprised about any of this anymore….I think I’d be more like, Yup that makes sense, someone else who is supposed to love me is actually plotting my imminent demise.  I’m telling you, he is getting closer and closer to just snapping….snapping right in half.

And then there’s Bionic Buchanan, letting Jack get away with everything.  Jack won’t tell him what’s going on, it’s personal.  I wonder if QA would take that for an answer – I can’t tell you how I came up with those numbers….it’s personal.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That was another joke.  Speaking of losing it though – Morris is going through the “We hate this character” phase.  This is necessary so that his upcoming sacrifice will be all the more noble.  But really….working for CTU must totally suck.  People get blown up and shot and tortured and then 15 minutes later they’re back at their desk setting up satellite surveillance.  They clearly do not have the same sick leave policy that is handed out to all Maryland state employees.  And Morris – Altoids will never cover up whiskey….believe me……<wink>

I am more convinced than ever that Josh is Jack’s kid….I mean, what other reason would you let Papa shoot you in the back of the head?  The whole, “I was never good enough for you Dad” line was rather predictable….but that’s ok.  Just because a five year old could have written the screenplays for all 19 Die Hard movies, does not mean that that makes them any less enjoyable.  But here was the comic relief for the week – Jack asks Marilyn if she knows how to use a gun….she says no…..and he goes, “Just point and shoot.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Thanks, Mr. Mensa Genius.  What would I have done without you?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

By the way, Mr. Hilary Swank turning out to be more evil than Weasel Face is giving me hope that this storyline won’t be totally useless….although setting up Fayed to be the Palmer assassin seems likes a stretch.  And then…of course….the most brilliant ‘I didn’t see that coming’ moment of the week was Mr. Ex-Putz-President showing up in the end looking like the Unabomber.  Well naturally he needed to be involved, he was part of the whole scheme last season….including being Baldy’s Yes-Man…..so hopefully we’ll wrap things up in a nice neat little package by the end of this Day.  My money is still on Jack taking everyone out Rambo-style.  And on Jack being Josh’s dad.  And on Morris dying.  And on Chloe scowling some more….Do you guys realize last night was the 10^th episode already?  Wow, time really flies….

Alright.  First things first.  Chloe is my hero.  If I acted like that much of a bitch at work, people would hate me.  She’s yelling at people and telling them to leave her alone….do you think QA would respond to this?  <chuckle chuckle>  That was a total joke.  I like QA.  I have decided that Buchanan is not really a human being….he’s actually more like Data from Star Trek…he’s some kind of android.  He tells Jack that Jack killed his brother, he doesn’t even talk to Morris, this guy has NO EMOTIONS.  This is the first time Jack has been in CTU in years!!!  We don’t even get a “Gee Jack, glad our plan to let the bad guys kill you in exchange for the wrong terrorist didn’t work out.  Gee Jack, glad you’re alive.”  Not even that.  See Mr. Buchanan, humans have expressions on their faces because we have feelings.  Didn’t your alien leaders teach you that before they sent you here!!  At least Chloe says, “I’m really glad Fayed didn’t kill you this morning.”  And Jack smiles.  That was so funny.

<sigh>  Moving right along.  I was sooooooooooooo counting on Blondie to save Morris.  Stupid blondes.  She deserved to get whacked.  Poor Morris.  I thought for sure his number was up.  But no….no they make him live with the guilt of enabling nuclear bombs that could kill hundreds of thousands of people.  Nice.  And Chloe slapping him across the face was priceless.  I think he’s going to kill himself in some heroic sacrifice now.  That would be fitting.  They’ll take us on this emotional roller coaster of liking him and then hating him and then loving him…..and then they’ll kill him.  I’m sure that’s how it will work.  Torturing someone with a drill was different though….don’t think I’ve ever seen that before…

And Fayed slips through their fingers again.  But we don’t care about Fayed anymore.  Now we care about Boris the Blade.  That’s the Russian guy.  He was also a bad guy in the movie ‘Snatch’ which is great if you guys haven’t seen it.  So the Russians are framing the Arabs to get back at the U.S. for being so superior during the Cold War.  Wow.  I never saw that coming.  I did like the whole bomb disarming scene.  Seriously, is there anything Chloe can’t do?  Now you understand why she’s my hero?

I’m really starting to get confused about Papa Bauer though.  Is he trying to kill Gredenko to protect his company?  Does he even care about the bombs?  So he holds mini-Jack hostage and gets Marilyn to lead Jack into an ambush.  Nice.  I’m telling you….Jack is going to go totally Rambo on this town.  First his brother.  Then his country.  Now his father.  And probably his baby’s mama.  All lying to him or sacrificing him or trying to kill him.  And he says he’ll accept the consequences.  Classic Jack.  Accepting the consequences.  You’d think he’d learn by now….save your own ass!  Nobody cares about you or your sacrifices.  Seriously, if he turns in to the bad guy in some future season I’ll swear these writers are geniuses!  And how about Milo turning into more than a typical IT nerd.  He’s driving that UPS truck around like Dale Jarrett at Daytona!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

By the way….the whole putz President….assassination plan….or whatever they’re doing with that is a complete waste of time.  You can’t kill another Palmer.  That’s just too predictable.  I hate Weasel Man though (that way he scrunches up his face is terrific) and Mr. Hilary Swank is becoming equally distasteful….but please make it interesting.

What’s going to happen to Jack!  Abandoned….as usual….I’m sensing a standoff with Papa Bauer is in the very near future.  I really can’t wait….

So the Evil Presidential Aide is getting his way and here….yet again….is another President that I absolutely cannot stand.  And Jack and Papa Bauer are going to be executed…..come oooooooooooooooooooooon…..who really believed that?  As soon as Papa Bauer shot that guy though….I got suspicious. 

Ok.  Here was the “comic relief” for the night.  Let me walk you guys through it –

Jack calls Buchanan and tells him that his entire team is dead.

Buchanan….does not even look like he heard him.  He doesn’t say, oh no.  He doesn’t even say, What? Like that would be a weird thing.

Unnamed characters are totally expendable.  See the Star Trek episode guide for an explanation.

Then he tells Buchanan that his brother tried to kill him and his dad.

Again….Buchanan does not seemed phased by this.  At all.  No….are you sure?  No…..maybe he’s being blackmailed.  Nothing.  Maybe Buchanan watches a lot of Jerry Springer…

This was the strangest conversation I have ever heard on this show.  Nobody was surprised by any of it.

Oh right.  Your brother tried to kill you.  Oh right.  Everyone else is dead.  Ok.  Moving right along.

<shaking my head>  And of course I thought….it can’t get much weirder than that….. oh…..oh ho ho ho….boy was I wrong.

So, not only does he torture Baldy.  He goes completely bonkers.  What did I tell you guys?  He’s gonna lose it.  Baldy and Jack are the same.  Fighting for what they believe in….blah blah blah.  I like the rivalry.  And then Baldy tells him about the assassinations of Tony, David Palmer and Michelle.  Oh.  That was priceless.  Remind me again why they have Real Actors on this show.  I thought Jack was going to string Baldy up by his toes at that point.  And then Daddy walks by.  Jack stops.  And now I’m even more suspicious. 

The Morris and Milo show got more interesting.  I should’ve seen this one coming.  From like a mile away.  Morris and McCarthy have accents….so clearly this is the only way it could’ve ended.  When will Chloe learn that everyone she cares about will have to work through a relative dying (Edgar’s mom and the nuclear power plant meltdown) or they’ll die (Edgar and Jack like three times now)?  I wonder if Chloe is going to turn into a real badass.  That would be cool.  She could be our new super-sarcastic Nina. 

Marilyn and Jack obviously have a past.  And Jack, of course as usual, because he’s a man and easily swayed by the baby blues, lets her go.  Sucker.  I want to know the story though….because something has to make a girl settle for Baldy when she could’ve had Jack!  Maybe the kid is actually Jack’s son!?!?.....or maybe I watch too much Jerry Springer…..

Oh yeah, the “President” ends up not being a total putz.  Well.  That’s no fun.  But I have a feeling the Evil Presidential Aide a la Chad Lowe has more plots to scheme.

Morris is kidnapped and I have a feeling he’s going to be the character they make me care about and then kill.

And then….denouement.  Papa Bauer offs his son.  This is Shakespeare people.  My 24-sense was right on cue.  Baldy had it coming….but I was kind of hoping it would be Jack that killed him.  Especially when he claimed that he could take whatever Jack dishes out.  No chance, Baldy.  But Papa knows Jack’s weakness - he loves his daddy.  This is going to be the best season ever!!!  I can’t wait till next week!!!

James Cromwell!!!  Are you kidding me!!!!  I guess in some wild stretch of the imagination I can picture him as Jack’s dad….but you know what….none of these guys even look remotely like the other.  Baldy is starting to look adopted.  And neither of them is even close to the basketball-player-height of Cromwell.  Oh well.  It could have been worse.  Like Chad Lowe.  I haven’t seen Mr. Hilary Swank since the Oscars last year googooing at his superstar wife.  And when was the last time he did any acting?  But…I have to give them credit….I hate his character already. 

Jack and Baldy go looking for Papa Bauer.  Somebody please tell me why we are supposed to believe that bodyguards could actually assassinate two CTU agents?  Paleeeeeeeeeeeeeease.  Morris and Milo are becoming sort of comical.  The odd couple.  And Nadia is middle eastern?!?!?  Huh?!?!  Maybe I’m being dense, but she looks more Hispanic to me…if she ends up being a terrorist that will just be stupid.  Karen is making me crazy.  What a baby.  I’m tired of all the tears, ladies.  I would have slapped that guy right in the face.  Well….maybe not slapped him….but at least given him a really really dirty look.  The last woman on this show that was remotely entertaining was Nina.  We need more Ninas on the show!!  <hahahahaha>  The whole Walid and Sandra side story is getting very predictable…I hope they shake that one up a bit.

So Jack and Papa Bauer are being carted off by the muscle.  Something tells me they’re gonna get out of it.  Something tells me Baldy is going to get his ass kicked.  Something tells me I’ll be glued to the TV screen next week….

Ok.  So, I can’t help myself.  Of course he’s not going to quit.  What would this show be like without Jack Bauer?  We’d having Chloe running around scowling at everyone.  So….lucky for everyone that the wind was blowing in the right direction otherwise this show would have gotten pretty gross…..what with radiation poisoning and all that.  And of course CTU was not affected….because that would have spoiled the rest of the season too.  I was wondering how they were going to top a nuclear bomb….well, obviously with four more nuclear bombs.  Ok, so the Russian guy apparently knows Jack’s dad.  Have we ever met his dad before?  I don’t think so.  But we have met his brother before.  Was it just me being dense, or was this the first time we find out that Baldy is his brother?  I mean, we knew that he was one of the puppet masters for the last weasel-president….but Jack’s brother?  And don’t expect us to believe that Marilyn picked Baldy over Jack!!!  Paleeeeeeeeeeeeease.  I wonder if he’s a real brother….or maybe a step brother.  They don’t look like they have the same parents to me.  Of course the torture bit makes more sense if he’s an actual sibling.  I think Jack is gonna lose it….completely.  I think he’s gonna start killing people off indiscriminately.  That will be entertaining.  And for the record….I don’t think he’s going to survive this season.