It's 5:45 am on Monday morning.  It's raining.  The Pumpkin is trying to break my legs as I walk down the steps out of my house.  And I have a long way to drive.  It's that time of year again, gentle reader, time for the third unofficial gathering of the sexy glamorous government auditors.  This is an A-list event, and since I know not everyone is priviledged enough to attend such a red carpet affair, I will attempt to convey to you little people some of the more memorable things I can remember.  This date at the end of April every single year is saved for the profoundly thought-provoking FRAUDCON.  Highly coveted tickets to this gala will afford one the opportunity to become an expert on committing fraud.  We are all experts, all the sexy auditors.  We can steal from whoever we want, whenever we want....and you will never know.  By the time some unlucky soul discovers that the measly debits do not equal the piddly credits, we will be safely ashore some anonymous non-extradition island bathing in wads of moneys obtained in the most devious and sneaky ways.  Devious and sneaky ways that I never would have learned about had I not gone to the FRAUDCON.

 

To give you an accurate picture of my state of mind this particular Monday morning, we need to go back to the previous night.  Sunday evening, the Hubby and I were invited to the engagement party of a long-time beloved friend of ours.  He is our age.  She is not.  Neither are any of her baby friends.  This was glaringly obvious as the Hubby attempted to converse with the babies when he blurted out during one of those awkwardly uncomfortable silences 'so how about that Britney Spears?'  While I choked down my jiggly belly laughs (That Britney Spears) at this comment, the babies eyed him like he was a cross-eyed albino cow with three heads that just mistakenly wandered into the bar.  We did not say too much to the babies after this debacle.  Then 8:30 pm rolled around and as the babies sucked the energy out of us by doing three thousand jello shooters, we decided to head home, wished the happy couple congratulations and tumbled into the car.  So now it's Monday, I just spent a disgusting amount of money to fill my gas tank and I'm completely exhausted as I merge onto Route 70 heading toward Baltimore.  My face is sore from being "happy" and polite at the party for so long.  Acting like a normal member of society is a completely tiresome exercise.....and a total farce.  I laughed at jokes that were sooooooooo not funny, I listened without cringing to conversations about boob jobs coming from girls too young to fear the devastating effects of gravity, and I pretended to sincerely care about darts and pool and other bar nonsense games.  Completely exhausting.  And now I have to do it all over again.  I arrived ridiculously early, early enough to scope out a prime seat next to the aisle, throw on my iPod and busy myself with the first of eight crossword puzzles I brought with me.  Newbie was nice enough to come over and say hello even though I was clearly begging to be left alone.  But Newbie doesn't irritate me, like he does other people, so it's ok.  He doesn't try to be funny, he just chats calmly about things that don't take too much brain power to respond to and I am infinitely grateful for this.  Now I have a glimmer of hope that today will not completely suck. 

 

The Office Sorority Ladies nabbed the seats next to me, so I am starting to feel relatively safe in my seatmates.  We are minutes away from the start of the festivities, however, when She showed up.  I had stupidly left the aisle seat open, mostly because these seats we are stuffed in are not big enough to hold my bowling ball shaped body AND all the crap I brought with me, so I used that seat to pile things on.  But She had no place to sit and I am just incapable of being an evil lying bitch this early in the morning and so before I know what is happening or what I've said, She's squishing herself into the aisle seat to my left.  Everything is still ok though, I am not panicking.  I am generally wary of strangers....because I don't generally like people right off the bat....so this should be interesting.  The MC for the FRAUDCON has absolutely zero stage presence, will clearly not be able to control the 300 fiercesome auditors throughout the day and probably more importantly, our MC is incapable of projecting his voice and so he cannot be heard over the slightly deafening roar of people who are abuzz on venti mochas.  I am starting to worry. 

 

Presenter Number One is a lawyer, or was a lawyer, I think.  He's trying to tell lawyer jokes, probably the easiest jokes in the world to tell, especially to a crowd of auditors who have an eerily similar sense of humor....and he's terrible at it.  He has no timing and he's not very funny to look at and now I'm really worried.  He's talking to us about preparing evidence for a court case, or as I interpreted his endless explanations - how to avoid being caught by CSI Baltimore when I eventually put Retirement Plan #48 into effect.  People say some pretty dumb things and Not Funny Lawyer Guy feels it necessary to share some of the dumber things people have said to him.  Here's a good example so you know what I mean - "To tell the truth honestly and completely..."  Tell the truth...honestly.  Nice.  I'm focusing about 30% of my attention on the painfully humorless ex-lawyer when I realized it's freezing in this room.  Of course, being frozen is a good way to stay awake, catch pneumonia, and make people cough.  And boy are people coughing.  I am a super serious germaphobe now thanks to some nightmarish experiences recently suffered aboard airplanes.  And the coughing....is making me....nauseous.  And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, listening to the maddening mumbling of the masses, She pulls out a nail file.  The sound of someone filing their nails while I am trying really hard not to vomit all over the seats in front of me is going right on the list of worst things EVER.  And it wasn't like a quick fix file, taking about 15 seconds.  Oh no.  She was giving herself a full-blown manicure....or trying to hack her way through some handcuffs.  I am dangerously close to running screaming from the room when thankfully it's time for the first break of the day.  Time to fight my way into the bathroom, stock up on my caffeine and carbs, and avoid the Coworkers like the plague.

 

The second presenter was slightly more entertaining than the first, teaching us how to launder money and defraud the healthcare system.  I learned that you need two sets of books, one for the taxman that shows how poor you are and one for the bankman that shows how rich you are.  This guy had some good advice that clearly would have been helpful for Retirement Plan #48, but unfortunately She did not agree with me.  She decided now would be an ideal time to pull out a pile of papers and rifle through them....endlessly.  I have an overwhelming urge to rip the noisemakers right out of her offending hands and tear them to shreds in front of her face.  I am regretting dearly my inability to be evil and decide right there on the spot that this little character flaw of mine needs to be rememedied....post haste.  Before I can scream at her that she could always go sit in her car and do the same god***n thing, throwing paper wildly about as much as she likes....it is thankfully time for the second break fo the day.  Yes, there were lots of breaks....but glamorous sexy auditors have precious little patience for paying attention to anything for very long without offering an unsolicited opinion on it and so the occasional refueling and distraction was necessary.

 

The last presenter of the morning was talking about ethics....I think.  Ethics is obviously something I need some training and counsel on and yet Presenter #3 was not helping me out.  At all.  She was giving us gems of advice like "fraud is synonymous with ethics." That is, of course, neither true or advice.  But it is music to my ears.  Exellent!!  I'm relatively certain though that this is not what she actually meant....but she kept saying it.  And then she gave us this little morsel straight out of an MBA program - "Analysis is the process of linking policy and thinking."  <pause>  Do any of you know what that means?  I guarantee you none of the 300 in the room had the emotional or physcial energy at this point to try and figure it out, after all....it was practically lunchtime.  My seatmate's perfume (the Nail Filer Paper Rifling Intruder) has taken on the acrid smell that perfume gets when it doesn't really go with someone's body chemistry...and for some reason people who wear perfume that doesn't go with their body chemistry can never smell this awful rotten smell.  I'm annoyed.  The masses are fidgeting.  Presenter #3 refuses to make any sense.  So let's eat!!

 

Off to the cafeteria for the infamous and delectable buffet.  Baked chicken, carrots and some kind of potato something.  Oompa stops me, showing creepy amounts of concern over a bean salad I had concocted for myself.  Beans are superfoods, Oompa.  They are fat free and full of fiber.  There is nothing wrong with beans....after all, I count them every day.  <bang, crash>  So after complaining vociferously to one of my wonderfully talented Audit Crew Members, I rush out of the horde and back to the peace and quiet of the lecture hall...where some weirdo kept playing with the lights.  Here's the dim light setting.  Here's the off light setting.  Here's the on light setting.  What the hell?  Seriously....what the hell.  Off and on.  On and off.  I am trying to read the paper you jackass and instead I am going to go into epileptic seizures thanks to your light-flicking shenanigans.  Completely unacceptable and the Light Flicker has now successfully damaged my calm.  I am dreading the afternoon session.  It's going to feel like a million years long.....<sigh>

 

So the 300 are back after the Feeding, the MC has now just as I predicted completely lost control over the crowd, the deafening roar of the 300 about to fall hard into a carbohydrate coma is seriously vexing.  That's a fun word, isn't it?  Vexing.  To vex.  Hahahahaha.  I should use that word more often.  Anyway, my seatmate is back and so is the blessedly quiet Office Sorority.  Our first afternoon presenter is tiny and is having technical difficulties with the mic.  Oh, dear Jesus, what have I done to deserve this misery?  And then she starts talking about the mob and the mafia in New York and making offers we can't refuse.  I learned how to join the Cosa Nostra and how to avoid incarceration by the Feds.  Fascinating stuff and invaluable to Retirement Plan #48.  I am completely riveted and go a good ninety minutes before I notice people coughing and mumbling.  That was awesome....straight out of the The Sopranos.  And she's a CPA!!!  Sexy.  And Glamorous.  I'm telling you people....Audit-Land may not be as boring as you think.

 

Now we're ready for the last break of the day.  More carbs and sugar water for everyone who slept during the last session because of too much carbs and sugar water during lunch.  I have no idea what time it is, but I can hear the rain pounding on the rooftop, so I already know that the commute home is going to completely suck.  The last presenter better be good!  So he's talking IT stuff....but he's the only person there who's not showing us a PowerPoint presentation.  What the hell?  I like pretty pictures.  I like to read what you're saying.  This is no good.  <sigh>  IT hocus pocus should really astound me, especially since I don't understand any of it.  And then he mentions the movie 'Sneakers'.  Oh.  Huh.  That's a good movie......ok.  I guess I'll focus a few more brain bits on this.  THEN he starts showing us how to pick locks.  Excellent.  This will be invaluable for Retirement Plan #48.  How to successfully carry out corporate esionage....I'm telling you, this is cool stuff people.  And then, as if that wasn't good enough...THEN he starts doing magic tricks.  That's not a metaphor people...I mean real David Copperfield stuff.  The 300 turn into twelve year olds and we're all oooooooooooooooing and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhing.  YAAAAAAAAAAY!! Magic!!  Everybody loves magic!!  That was awesome.  So before I know it, it's quarter to five and time to fight my way home in the rain.  Twelve hours after I left, I get back to the house, scribble down all my notes for Retirement Plan #48, feed the Pumpkin, and go straight to bed.

 

I'm even more tired today than I was yesterday, if that's possible.  With my coffee in one hand, and my paper in the other, I tumble into the car and push off for yet another epic journey to Baltimore.  Two days in a row.  Lovely.  Did you think the FRAUDCON was only one day long?  Oh no.  There is way too much to learn about stealing to fit it into one day.  I have my retirement to consider here, people, and a $77 investment in enough unleaded for two round trips to Oriole-land is probably worth it.  I cannot imagine how today will top magic tricks and mob law, but hopefully it will otherwise I'm gonna have to figure out how to sleep in these tiny little elf chairs they've put us in.  Ok, so the seats aren't that tiny....but they have those little fold-up desks and once you fold it up it's now impossible to get in or out of the seat.  That's why they're elf chairs.  Don't ARGUE with me!?!?  So it's painfully early again and all I want is quiet and coffee and some zen meditation in preparation for whatever social nightmare I'm going to have to face today.  <feeble grin>  So pessimistic, I know.  The Co-Workers insist on talking to me at this hour of the day.  My smile muscles still hurt from being nice at the engagement party, but I did try to show interest and concern by widening my eyes and raising my eyebrows.  This may have come across as terror....but that wouldn't have been far off the mark either.  It just takes so much energy to be sociable.  So by the time today's seminar starts I'm actually kind of thankful.  At least I can stop talking to people now.  The first presenter today is presenting for the entire morning, so I repeat a silent prayer nine times (ninth time's the charm) 'Please don't suck,'  Oh please.  PLEASE don't suck.  He's southern and he has the completely charming, sometime difficult to understand, sometimes impossible to understand accent.  He's teaching us how to lie to people without getting caught.  I'm telling you....you don't believe it, but the FRAUDCON is a treasure trove of info every good thief must know and be comfortable with.  Lying to people and knowing when people are lying to you is invaluable. 

 

Now, if you thought I was done complaining about every other thing going on at the conference besides the actual speakers...you're so wrong.  Today, the problem is the door.  The door opens, and the door closes.  The door closes again, and the door opens.  And because we're in a lecture hall with mythical acoustics, every tiny sound is amplified and I am not kidding - every single one of the 300 got up at some point during the day, walked out that door and slammed it shut.  I don't know why I'm suddenly fixated on this sound....like the sound of someone walking behind you....completely and insanely and stupidly maddening.  So anyway, back to the lying.  Our guy is teaching us about the delicate art of communication.  I know I've said this to you all before, so please revel in the knowledge that Southern Guy shares the same attitude that I do about it.  We all rush through communication.  We forget we're talking to another human being and instead pretend we're talking to a brick wall.  And we don't listen.  We never listen.  Not really.  Kids learn this at a very young age.  Men have perfected it.  How many times have you been talking to someone and you can literally see them drafting out in their head what they're going to say next, just waiting for you to stop talking.  Just stop talking so I can start.  It's all very simple.  Now he's telling us how to manipulate people into telling us whatever we want them to tell us....hmmmmmmm.....sounds like....Jedi mind tricks.  I know all about this!!  Beware people - government auditors have all been trained in the ways of the force.  We are all Jedi knights and if you don't believe me, I will bonk you over the head with my plastic light saber.  <chuckle>  So, this is how I get people to talk to me....if I ever have a brain aneurism and want people to talk to me someday.  Like that's ever going to happen.  But more importantly, when I finally rule the world I will need to get all you peons to do my bidding so learning how to communicate and how to lie will obviously be important.  Oh yeah, and relevant to my plan to retire very very very soon. 

 

So the morning session was actually pretty entertaining.  Southern Guy had a good sense of humor and the Muttering Men sitting directly behind me were a little quieter (but only a little).  Men, just so you know, your deep voices caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry more than, oh let's say mine for example.  I understand you think there's nothing you can do about it...but I have a suggestion.  You can shut your mouth.  How about that?  How about staying quiet for ten solid minutes?  That would be super cool.  Now it's time for lunch - fish, potatoes and brussel sprouts all swimming in five pounds of butter.  It's too good to be good for me.  I'm full to the point of being uncomfortable.  Time to head back to the peaceful lecture hall now blessedly empty of the 300.  I know you wish you were here.  I can feel your envy right through the computer screen.  Don't worry, it just gets better.  We're in the homestretch now.  You can feel the tension in the air.  The anticipation that we might get out early (before 5), just like being in middle school....nice to know nothing every changes.  Not really. 

 

The first presenter of the afternoon is talking about his favorite fraud cases.  I am semi-conscious logging more ideas for my imminent retirement.  He was from Tennessee and he talked way too fast.  Thank God for his PowerPoint presentation, because I only caught about one in every three words he said.  The Muttering Men behind us refuse to shut their blabbing mouths and now it's starting to become unbearable, mostly because I can't understand the Vol on stage.  I feel like holding one of those golf signs that say "Quiet Please" and then beating them wildly over the heads with it....stupid Mutterers. 

 

During the last break of the day, about half the audience leaves (not the Mutterers) so things are a little calmer for our last presenter.  He's from the FBI and he wants to teach us how to launder money.  Really really interesting stuff, and pretty relevant to my retirement plans.  He had a couple of good jokes too, but he pluttered through a lot of sentences....like Paula Abdul....it's infuriating listening to someone likes this.  My very little patience...worn dangerously thin by the Mutterers, is now gone.  And all I want is for the Fed to get to the end of the slides so we can go home.  He does eventually, the FRAUDCON comes to a close and we all leave, just as unceremoniously as we came in two days ago.

 

So here's the thing.  If money ever gets stolen from your company people, here's a hint on where to look for the perpetrator.  Find the 'fraud expert'.  We know how to do it, and why people don't catch it and so we know how to get away with it.  <evil grin>  You know not everyone can be a glamorous sexy government auditor.  You have to be a special kind of person like.....glamorous.....or sexy.  <smile>  Now, I'm know what you're thinking.  Bowling balls are not generally glamorous.  You ba**ards.  I don't mean Princess Diana glamorous or Brad Pitt sexy.  It's all in the definition, so I'll let you come up with your own.  What I do know is the CoWorkers are pretty glamorous and pretty sexy and after Retirement Plan #48 goes into effect, they're gonna be the ones responsible for hunting me down.  <evil grin>  Give them nothing, but take from them everything.  I don't think the CoWorkers are as diabolical as I am, so I'm putting money on myself to get away with it.  But you can try, go ahead.  Catch me if you can. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

Another week of American Idol, people.  We're down to the top five already.  Wow, it feels like this show just started a few days ago and already we're down to the last five.  Here's Ryan in a nice black suit with a blue shirt and particularly pointy hair today.  He's scolding us about voting...again.  I think he misses Carly.  Here's Randy in a weird looking black shirt.  Paula is wearing a dress made out of gold tissues.  And Simon is in his usual black chest hair.  The kiddies are singing TWO songs tonight.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.  And tonight's theme - it's Neil Diamond night!!  Ok, so I'm not that thrilled about Neil Diamond but I do think this is a better choice than Mariah Carey....since we have no time and the show will indoubtedly run over Ryan rushes us into the first singer of the night -

 

Dreads is up first.  He is going to sing "Forever in Blue Jeans' and 'September Morn'.  I don't know how this is going to work.  Are they going to sing both songs and then get judged?  Whatever, so Dreadilocks didn't know the words for the song during rehearsal....oh come ON!!  This is getting ridiculous...it's like him and Brooke are getting worse....not better.  So anyway, he's playing the guitar.  It's a pretty song, he sounds nice.  But here's the thing with Dreads.  He looks exactly the same every single week.  He sounds exactly the same every single week....not like the same voice....I mean it sounds like he's singing the same song!!  It's just old at this point...we get it.  You're a folk singer...just like Snow White.  We GET it.  So after he's done singing, Ryan gives us the two numbers you can call for Dreads and explains that the judges will comment at the end of the show.  Ok then.  Moving right along.

 

Captain Cook is in an AC/DC jacket (is that retro?) and he's asking Ryan what he does to prepare for the show....which was obviously very scripted and contrived....but I know they were trying to be cute and show that Cookie has a sense of humor even if he is a bit self-righteous.  Ok.  So he picked 'I'm Alive' and 'All I Really Need is You'...Neil seems to like him too.  That's a good sign considering the massive amounts of fame and success this guy has.  I really like Cookie's voice, but I don't know the song so I have no idea if he's changed it up at all.  He's playing the guitar too and I guess you could say that he sounds the same all the time....but here's the difference - I like the way he sounds (I pick the rockers remember).  That was pretty good.

 

Snow White is singing now and she picked 'I'm A Believer' (that song from Shrek) and 'I Am I Said'.  She's playing the guitar and the piano.  Oh boy, there are massive opportunities for her to screw up tonight, huh.  Neil said he was pleasantly surprised by Brookie.  You know, he seems to pick his words very carefully when he's talking about the kiddies.  Anyway, so she's singing the Shrek song and it sounds a little flat.  She's just standing there with the guitar...this is kind of a jump around the stage song, isn't it?  She looks terrified and uncomfortable....I guess I really don't like her anymore.  I'm still pretty ticked that she's wasn't even in the bottom two last week...that was ridiculous.  So, the ending was probably the only good thing about her song.

 

Napoleon is up next and he picked 'Sweet Caroline' and 'America'.  Neil hopes Napoleon takes his advice on the songs.  <shaking my head>  It won't help Neil...it won't make him less annoying.  He's singing Caroline pretty well, but he's so awkward moving around the stage...like his legs don't work very well or Papa Archuleta is pulling the wrong puppet strings.  He's so dorky.  The song sounded pretty good (better than Brookie and Dreads) but I just don't like him anymore.

 

Syesha is the last of the fivers to perform in the first round.  She is singing 'Hello Again' and 'Thank The Lord for the Night'.  Neil seems to really like her, how can he not?  She is adorable.  Definitely not the best singer, but she's definitely going to be famous doing something.  Singing.  Acting.  Whatever.  She's great.  She's got a very pretty purple dress on and she sounds good.  All smiles.  She makes me smile when she smiles...and that's cool.

 

So I thought they were going to wait until the end of the show to comment on the songs....but instead they're making the judges comment now on all the singers all on the stage at the same time.  This is total chaos.  Randy said Dreads was ok, Cookie was strong, Brookie was better but it sounded like karaoke, Napoleon was in the zone, and so is Syesha.  Paula told Dreads she liked hearing his lower register in the first song.  And then she started talking about his second song.  Yeah, the second song he hasn't sung yet....and time is folding in on itself.  Everybody is looking at each other, obviously confused by Paula's sudden fortune-telling abilities...and then Seacrest explains that Dreads has only sung one song...and Paula is now completely flustered.  Here are the options for why this happened - a. Paula is on too many pain killers tonight. b. This show is not live.  c. This show is live but the producers tell her what to say in advance.  d. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many pain killers.  It's obviously either a or d.  Simon is annoyed that Paula is confused and so he's starts yelling at her, who was your favorite?  WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE?!?!  And he keeps saying that until she answers, or if she didn't answer she just stopped talking because I didn't know what was going on this point.  Simon said that Dreads was forgettable, Cookie was just above average, Brookie was a nightmare, Napoleon was amateurish, and Syesha was old fashioned.  Then he starts yelling at them - you're in the top five, what are you doing?  I had better hear the performance of a lifetime in round two.

 

And with those words of encouragement ringing in their ears, we're into Round TWO.

Dreads is singing 'September Morn' and he's sitting on his stool.  Again.  This sounds better, but it's a pretty song...so I'm not sure how hard it would be to screw to it up.  Does he squint too?  I think so.  Now he's walking around the stage and just like Napoleon, he looks super awkward.  They should be more comfortable on stage at this point, don't you think?  It was a very pretty song, but it was also supposed to be romantic.  And he's just not romantic.  Sorry to all you tweeners who squeal for him.  When he gets done with this song, the judges pounce.  Randy thought it was just ok, he doesn't know what is going on with Dreads lately.  Paula said he took the same liberty on both songs, and he needs to get out of his comfort zone.  Simon said this is not you, what's happened?  He called it forgettable.  Me too, I think this will definitely be one of our bottom vote-getters.

 

Captain Cook is singing his second song and there's that smug grin we all love.  He's playing the acoustic guitar and makes it rock.  I don't know if this is different, again, because I don't know the song but it sounds good to me.  I thought it was fantastic, he can definitely be mesmerizing.  Randy is a huge fan of Cookies, he said you rocked the house, blazing!  Paula said you took a chance with a less familiar song (um, Paula, none of these kids singing or watching know who Neil Diamond is!) and then she said she already feels like she's looking the winner.  Hmmmmm...more of that future-speak Paula?  Simon said the first song was just ok, the second song was brilliant, you made it current, smart choice, well done.  Nice.  He's my favorite.  Definitely, definitely.

 

Snow White is singing now - I Am I Said.  Seacrest is tyring to upset her first by talking about Simon's nightmare comment.  And she is just so sickeningly sweet....anyway, she's playing the barefoot piano again, Arizona born and raised.  It's got a sweet little country thing going on...but you know I just don't like her anymore.  It was ok...I guess.  Randy said it was the toughest song of the night, it showed her vulnerability.  (what?!?!  last week showed her vulnerability!!) He said she did a nice job.  Paula said you had fun and you connected with the audience, which she clearly didn't but whatever Paula.  Simon said he really hated the first song, but this was the Brookie we like, not incredible but well done.  <sigh>  Nonononononononono.  She has to go.  I'm tired of her.  With those big boulder eyes and those weird lips.  She looks like a cartoon character sometimes...just go already.

 

It's time for Napoleon to sing America.  He has definitely got the wrong voice for this song, there's no edge to it.  Kind of sounds like Star Search, huh...and I kind of sound like Simon now, huh?  HAHAHAHAHA.  He's definitely taking a page from Kristy Lee's book isn't he, singing about America.  But I didn't like it.  I just don't think anyone is going to vote against America.  Randy said, again, you're in the zone.  Paula said it was the perfect song, keep having fun (FUN?!?!  He's not having fun!?!?  Just look at him for crying out loud!?!?)  Simon said that was a smart choice of song, clever, right choice.  This kid looks so uncomfortable....like he doesn't want to make any mistakes in front of Daddy. 

 

We're to the end and it's time to hear Syesha sing an upbeat little number - Thank the Lord for the Night.  I've never heard this song before but it's a lot of fun and she's a lot of fun.  It's a little out of tune, and it's still old fashioned, but listen...she's is by far and away a better entertainer than pretty much everyone else except Cookie.  It was good and I like her.  Randy said this is your thing.  Paula said the first song was beautiful, and this performance showed your fun side.  Simon said this is the most chaotic show we've ever done.  And then to Syesha, he said you just demonstrated you're a good actress/singer, but you might be in trouble tonight because other people had better second songs than yours.  Nononnoononononononononono.  He said her second song was not memorable.  Humph.  I think he's wrong. 

 

The biggest losers of the week are by far and away Brookie and Dreads.  They absolutely must be in the bottom 3.  Despite "voting for the worst" I think Brookie will be going home.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It’s time people, go time.  Time to whittle the six down to five.  Time to say goodbye to yet another delusional hopeful and permanently crush their dreams of ever being a success at anything….wow…..that was pretty harsh.  I’m tired and cranky today, so just deal with it.  At this point, probably any of these kids could get a record deal and make a little money so don’t cry for them.  But I still want them to go in the order that I think they should go…..otherwise it annoys me.  So here’s Ryan in another black suit, the tie looks new.  Randy is wearing some tan shirt.  Paula and Simon are both wearing black and showing the same amount of cleavage.  Ryan informs us that 38 million votes were cast, and then he goes – “But was it enough?”  What more do you want from them Ryan!?!?!  Stop being so demanding!?!?!?  So the kiddies start of the show singing ‘All I Ask of You’ with Lord Webber at the piano.  It was kind of cool, but the Hubby is watching the show tonight and so he spent the whole song being completely obnoxious about how glad he was that he didn’t have to watch them sing the night before….<shaking my head>….

 

Seacrest reminds us for the 4 millionth time that there is a Tour this summer and we can buy tickets to it.  And he reminded us about the song-writing competition, just in case anyone is going through vote casting withdrawal.  Then he sits down with Andrew Lloyd Webber for a little one on one.  Andrew Lloyd Webber has the weirdest mannerisms I have ever seen….I am more convinced than ever that he is an alien.  He doesn’t seem comfortable in his own skin.  They talked about Brooke messing up, and Sir Webber said it happens to the best of them, and then he pointed out that Brookie’s rehearsal was flawless.  Then they talked about Dreads and the Memory song, and Sir Webber seemed just as flummoxed (British for confused) by the song choice as everyone else.  He said he agreed with Simon that Jason didn’t look happy, and then he said, well how could he be?  Ouch!  Then Seacrest asked if you were to write a love song for Paula and Simon what would it be called?  Everyone got a chuckle out of that.  He said ‘Time to Say Goodbye’?  <smile>  I guess his alien leaders taught him about human comedy before they sent him here.

 

Time for this week’s horror show Ford commercial.  This week the kiddies are decked in punk/goth attire and are trying to be scary as they turn into comic strips.  Weird, but not as scary as usual….I remember high school…..<wink>.

 

And here is the current President and Mrs. President thanking everyone for donating to Idol Gives Back.  $65 million this year….huh……less than last year.  Good thing we’re not in a recession, right Georgie?

 

Time for the chopping block.  Seacrest brings out the Davids first.  He asks Captain Cook why he sang the song straight this week, instead of doing his own or someone else’s version of the original.  He said in order to be unpredictable, he thought no would expect him to just sing the song.  Ok….that is an acceptable answer.  Then Ryan asks Napoleon if this week was difficult for him….and he either wasn’t listening to the question….or is just a moron…..or maybe it’s just being 12 years old or whatever his age is…..but he couldn’t get an articulate sentence to come out of his mouth.  “I was glad with the song.”  Glad.  With the song.  Glad with the song?  <shaking my head>  It’s only the English language.  You’re only on American Idol.  It might make a tiny bit of sense to speak properly….but that’s just me being ornery again…

 

Oh yeah, they’re both safe.  Seacrest mentions that next week is Neil Diamond week.  Where have they come up with these themes?  Now we get to visit more former Idolers who are now on Broadway.  Miss Tamyra Gray, who looks MUCH better than the last time I caught a picture of her on the telly.  She is performing in the Broadway show – Rent.  And, the incomparable Clay Aiken, who’s not quite as lean as he used to be, is performing in the Broadway show Spamalot.  Good for them, stay busy and happy.  Entertainers have this perpetual energy thing going on that means they have to be constantly working to be happy….and they seemed happy.

 

The performance of the week was form Leona Lewis.  Simon’s find, apparently.  He seems giddy to be taking credit for discovering this girl.  The Hubby mentioned he had already heard this song three or four times today.  He is much more hip than I am….I think she’s very pretty.  Very pretty voice.  And good as a live performer too…I liked it.  She looks like Downtown Julie Brown, doesn’t she?  <chuckle>  That reference may be too old for some of you.

 

Back to the chopping block and here comes Syesha and Brookie.  Ok.  I think we all know who is safe and who is in the bottom two.  Right?  So Ryan talks to them both about their performance last night.  Syesha said it was fun pretending to be someone else.  Brookie said she hasn’t really thought about her decision to stop and start, but it was a conscious decision to not talk over the judges.  Good for her, way to not be as annoying as you usually are….so Brookie is………….SAFE?!?!?!  And Syesha is in the bottom two…..Unbelievable.  Brookie pretends to be stunned and shocked and surprised.  Syesha is all smiles.  She’s been here before.

 

Next up is Jason and Carly…….and I thought we all knew who was safe and who was in the bottom two…………but now I’m not so sure.  Jason is all fidgety nervous and he’s making his weird surfer dude noises.  Carly said she’s going to have fun with her songs from here on out.  So…………Jason is safe……………and Carly is in the bottom two.  <sigh>  America.  You suck.  You really do.  The two best, except for Captain Cook, performances of the night and you put them in the bottom two.  Randy says it was must have been more of a popularity contest this week.  The Hubby said he thinks people don’t like Carly because of her tattoos.  Oh come on….that’s ridiculous…..right?  So now they both have to sing.

 

Carly goes first and it sounds just as good as last night.  She brings down the house.  And then Syesha gets up there and really really gets into it.  She’s having a blast.  All kinds of cute expressions into the camera and to the judges.  She’s adorable.

 

So after the commercial, it’s time to say goodbye to Syesha.  Right?  Oh for crying out loud.  It’s Carly.  Carly is going home.  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more talented than the other two girls on the show, and some of the boys (Dreads)……..but she is going home.  Unbelievable.  Un.  Believable.  I’m already in a pissy mood….and now it just got worse.  Simon tells her she can leave with her head held high.  I agree.  She was fantastic on the show.  And I guarantee you’ll miss her America, when you have to sit through these five singing Neil Diamond next week.  You’ll miss her.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s Sixer Week, down to six, the top six singers.  <smile>  Game 7 of Hockey is on tonight….so yes….I am extremely distracted.  Sorry in advance.  Ryan is wearing a brown and more brown suit.  Randy is in white, Paula is in glittery sequiny something, and Simon is in black.  This week is Broadway week….with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.  It may surprise you to hear, gentle reader, but I am a fan of Broadway shows….good ones, at least.  So I am a huge fan of Lord Lloyd.  He’s kind of creepy looking though…right?  His face looks like a mask, like he’s wearing a mask of a face….just kind of creepy.  But he seems like a genuinely nice guy.  Randy thinks this is going to be the toughest night of the season.  Paula thinks that some of the kiddies are standing out from the rest.  And Simon clarified the negative connotation he puts on his label of “Broadway” by saying tonight the kiddies have to be memorable and contemporary.  So let’s get to it.

 

Syesha is up first and she is in a hot little red dress.  During her rehearsal, Lord Andrew encouraged her to be theatrical and to have fun.  So that’s what she’s doing.  She is singing ‘One Rock N Roll Too Many’ from Starlight Express.  It’s a little flat in parts, but she is clearly having a lot of fun.  Even Ricky Miner (& the Band) is getting into it.  Very sassy!!  I thought it was pretty good.  Randy thought it was her best performance so far.  Paula said this is what you love and that was obvious…or something like that.  Simon said it was a very sexy performance, her strongest performance so far, and it showed masses of personality.  I think she’s pretty safe this week.

 

 Dreads is singing next.  And get this….he picked ‘Memory’ from Cats.  So, he obviously has no idea what the song is about, that a woman normally sings it, and the character is a cat.  Cats is my favorite production of all time, I saw it a million years ago in the Kennedy Center and was just blown away.  The musical is based on Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats and it’s awesome.  Poems and cats and they’re singing….you just can’t get any better than that.  So Dreads totally throws Sir Drew off by doing this performance.  He calls it a brave choice…which is a nice way of saying, wow, this is gonna be really weird.  It starts off very quiet and sad….just like it’s supposed to be and for about 12 seconds I think he might be able to pull it off….and then it gets gaspy and whiny and now I feel like I’m watching porn.  Very uncomfortable…and very awkward and well….very weird.  Randy is kind of stuttering and then he finally spits out that musically, it was kind of a train wreck.  Paula says that song is normally performed by a female power balladeer and that is not who you are….<smile> thanks Paula.  Simon said that must have been the longest two minutes of your life.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  You looked miserable and I was miserable.  So America, he can’t sing Broadway….but here’s the tricky question of the night…..should we really hold that against him?

 

Snow White is singing next and she picked ‘You Must Love Me’ from Evita.  The first thing Webber says is, I don’t think she has a clue what this song is about.  So he explains the story behind the song and tells her she needs to feel the emotion.  So, the rehearsal sounded pretty good to me and then Brookie gets on stage.  Three notes come out of her mouth and then she stops.  “I’m sorry.”  Not kidding….she just stopped and started again.  Isn’t this the second time she’s messed up that way?  It sounds ok after that…but you can really tell she’s shaken up at this point.  That song had so much friggin potential!!  Perfect for this show and this competition….ironically perfect.  And she just screwed it all up.  Randy said there were parts he didn’t like, but he got the vulnerability emotion, but vocally it was just ok.  Paula said – never stop and start.  What?!?!?  Didn’t she applaud Brookie for doing that the last time….maybe I’m remembering this wrong.  She liked the fact that Brookie didn’t overact…Simon said the mess up completely threw you, it became quite uncomfortable for everyone and he thinks Brookie is going to be disappointed when she watches it back.  Seacrest asks her what happened….<pause>…..maybe I don’t understand the question, but it seems obvious to just about every other one of the 4 billion viewers that she just forgot the words….which is what Ryan was apparently trying to force her to say.  She’s about 0.7 seconds away from completely losing it….wow, and I thought Dreads was in trouble…..

 

Napoleon is singing for us now.  I have a feeling he is going to be really good at this.  Ryan brings a whole gaggle of girls onto the stage to accost Napoleon and give him the awkward tweener hugs.  <shaking my head>  So he picked ‘Think of Me’ from Phantom of the Opera.  Another one of my all-time favorite musicals.  And another song normally sung by a woman.  No boys….last week was Mariah Carey week….you can sing Boy songs again, if you want!  So the only advice that Andy Lloyd had for Napoleon was ‘keep your eyes open’, so as soon as he starts to sing I actually look at his eyes….and realize….yup.  He's completely squinting them shut….and that probably has a lot to do with the reason I can’t stand him anymore.  He sings the song really well, of course, but it’s still kind of weird hearing him sing it.  The ending was really really pretty.  Randy said you can sing anything….which is just about the only thing Randy seems to say to this kid.  Paula says it was perfect.  Simon said it was pleasant, kind of a weak performance for you, and forgettable.  Oh dear….we weren’t going for forgettable Papa Archuleta….better whip that boy into shape!!

 

Irish Carly is next to sing and she originally chose ‘All I Ask of You’ from Phantom….but Drew stops her and says, no no no, this is all wrong.  You need a bigger song for that big voice.  Her second choice was Jesus Christ Superstar, from that musical.  And this is perfect for her.  Drew seems very happy that he convinced her to switch songs.  She has a weird glittery paisley dress on…but this is a huge performance.  The whole stage seems to fill up with her voice.  It was very rock…she switched up the chorus a bit to better suit her voice and I loved it.  More Jesus on Idol….can never seem to get away from that….but that was a pretty great performance.  Randy said, I don’t know if it was your best, but definitely good.  Paula said she loved the changes Carly made, because she thought she may have started in too high a key.  Simon said it was a little bit shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night.  Carly is thrilled, like shrieky giggly thrilled and she pulls out this t-shirt that says – “Simon Likes Me (this week)”.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s hysterical.  Seacrest is a little thrown, he’s like, ok, thanks for that.  Hee hee….just go with it Ryan.  Funny is funny.  And I want one of those shirts.

 

Singing last, again, is Captain Cook.  He apparently is a big fan of musical theater and so meeting Lord Webber was a big thrill for him.  If he can actually be “thrilled”….ever.  He picked ‘Music of the Night’ from Phantom….which is a beautiful song, normally sung by a MAN.  Very romantic, very seductive.  Lord Webber thinks that if he can get some of that passion into his voice, maybe it will work.  Wow, that’s not a ringing endorsement, is it?  He probably thought Cookie was smug too.  So he is singing….and it is……….beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful!!!  And he hit the high note in the song!!  Really great.  I am normally writing while I listen to this show….but not for this…..for this song….I just listened.  That was memorable.  Randy said you can sing anything.  Paula said you’re well-rounded as a performer, fantastic.  Simon said I like the gritty side of you better, but you made the most of the song.  Hmmmm….I think he’s pretty safe this week…..

 

So it’s either gonna be Dreads for trying to be a female power balladeer or Snow White for forgetting the words and mucking up a perfectly appropriate song.  I’m off to watch hockey.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

So we’re back at Survivor.  This show has kind of been put on the back burner for me because of the hockey chaos in Washington right now.  Yes.  Yes the Capitals won last night.  Yes, the series is now 3 and 3 coming back to DC for Game 7.  Yes, I TOLD you they were good.  You should have believed me!!  So anyway, we’re back at the Doobie tribe and everyone is asking Jason why he was so stupid to give Eliza the hidden immunity idol.  And not only that, he gave her the FAKE one!!  AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Still makes me laugh, that was the best episode ever.  After everyone gets done chuckling about how silly the whole thing was, Cirie tells us she kind of wishes that it was the real idol and then Ozzy would be going home.  AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!  Don’t say that!!  But really, everyone should be worried about him now, especially since he admitted to having the Idol.  Has a hidden immunity idol ever been successfully played?  I don’t know….

So Jason is holding on to the delusion that he will continue to beat Ozzy in the immunity challenges…come on Jason, you’re not that good.  And we’re all of the sudden going to the Reward Challenge.  Wow…that was really quick.  So we’re gonna have two teams of four and yes, that means one person will be left out.  After picking teams, whoever is left has to go to Exile Island.  Whichever team wins gets to go to some Micronesian village out in the middle of the jungle for a feast.  It’s a memory game – the survivors have to swim out into the ocean and look at a pattern of tiles on a board and then swim back to the beach and recreate the tile pattern on their own board.  Of course they have extra pieces that are useless, and of course if they guess wrong, one of their teammates has to swim back out again before they can change anything.  So Oz, Jason, Scooper and Blurry Butt are on one team; Havarti, Cutey Pie, Natalie and Alexis are on the other team.  And poor Cirie is off to Exile (this will get her mind working, I bet).  The teams seem pretty much neck and neck.  Cutey Pie’s team guesses first but they were wrong, so now Ozzy’s team has a chance.  They guess…and they’re right!

So the winners head off to the secret jungle village out in the middle of nowhere.  There is a massive feast, topless women who shock the Scooper, dancing kids, tobacco-like betel nuts and local beer.  The Scooper pukes his guts out at the end of the day because he has too much nuts and beer.  Dummy.  But he seemed to be the one who enjoyed the reward the most.  Poor Cirie is out on Exile and it is raining….pouring buckets and thunder and lightening and yes, she is now plotting the demise of Ozzy.

So back Doobie, Cutey Pie has gotten up early and is banging around in camp.  I mean, making all kinds of noise while the girls are trying to sleep.  This is unbelievable….are all men like this?  The Hubby is completely incapable of being quiet in the morning, and it would appear that Cutey Pie is too.  Havarti wakes up and gives him the “stop being obnoxious” command.  He did not appreciate that at all….hmmmm….I guess they’re not quite so lovey dovey anymore, huh.  So the Winners get back from the reward feast and for whatever reason, Ozzy thinks it would be a good idea to tell everyone ALL about ALL the food they had to eat…………um…………..listen………………maybe you should have watched a few of your own shows before coming on to this season Ozzy.  <shaking my head>  You never ever talk about the food you just had, unless you brought some back with you.  The girls are all complaining about Ozzy….and now Blurry Butt is starting to get worried about her own alliance which seems to be losing power in the tribe. 

Time for Immunity.  Cirie comes back from Exile.  This challenge is to outlast.  You  have to stand on a tree stump with one hand over your head.  That hand is tethered to a big bucket above you full of water.  If you move your hand, the bucket tips over, you’re all wet and you’re a loser.  So about thirty minutes into it, Jeffy poo brings out a big plate of candy and Cirie and Scooper decide to share it, taking themselves out of the game.  After another forty-five minutes, Jeffy poo comes back out but before he can say anything, Alexis tips over her bucket.  She tries to say she was accepting whatever he had brought, but he says no deal – you just got excited.  Nothing for you.  She gets all pouty and he says, you can be as pouty as you want.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Then Natalie does the same thing, and Jeffy still hasn’t told anyone what he has.  Nothing for you either Natalie.  Cutey Pie makes a comment about how much that would suck, losing your concentration like that, and then he does the exact same thing.  <shaking my head>  Wow.  Dropping like flies.

Two hours go by and now Jeffy poo tries to bribe them with chocolate covered donuts and Ozzy immediately says TAKEN and steps out of the game.  Havarti, Jason and Blurry Butt are left.  At the five hour mark, Blurry Butt takes herself out because she has to pee.  The Hubby said she should have just peed on herself, but I’m kinda glad she didn’t.  Now six hours have gone by and Jeffy brings out a huge plate of clandy, donuts, milk, beer, and pizza.  He says whoever steps off gets to share the plate with everyone else.  So now the losers have some interest.  Jason says he won’t do it until he gets the entire team to guarantee that they won’t vote for him.  He is so stupid.  People lie on this show Jason, that’s what they do….sheesh….I thought you were a fan!!  So of course everyone eventually says yes, and some have their fingers crossed which is so fifth grade and why bother, just be an adult about it and lie to his face.  So Jason the Gullible takes himself out of the game, Havarti wins immunity and everyone gets to gorge themselves on evil carbohydrates.

Jason immediately starts to regret his decision but hopes everyone will stick to their word.  Except everyone thinks he’s being really stupid for trusting them and Ozzy makes the decision to give him the axe tonight.  Cirie thinks this is the perfect opportunity to blindside Ozzy….and of course she is right…..and he has already dodged a few bullets….but I really don’t want him to go!!!  She talks to Havarti, Natalie and Alexis and they agree not to tell Blurry Butt, Scooper or Cutey Pie.  Cutey Pie tells Ozzy he has concerns about Havarti because she’s all into “girl power”.  And Ozzy is concerned too, he says he’ll take the idol and play it by ear!  Come ON Ozzy!!!!  You’re in so much trouble!!!

At Tribal Council, buggy-eyed Eliza comes back as the first member of the jury.  Cirie tells Jeffy poo that she didn’t bother looking for the idol on Exile because everyone knows that Ozzy has it, Havarti agrees that is what everyone thinks.  Ozzy admits that he has a huge target on him but he still feels a little confident.  Jason tries to explain why he decided to trust all his enemies in the game.  Cutey Pie says sometimes people will say they’re you’re friend, when really all they wanted was a donut.  Very profound.  So let’s get to it.  I am pretty worried at this point that Ozzy is going home….he doesn’t seem nearly as concerned as he should be…once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Jeffy poo asks if anyone wants to play the hidden immunity idol.  Come on Ozzy.  Paleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!  But he doesn’t, and I think that might be it for him.  So in true dramatic fashion, the first four votes are for Jason and then one for Ozzy and he seems surprised but not worried.  And then another for Ozzy and now people are starting to look around.  And then another, and another and now he looks pissed.  Eliza’s eyes might pop out of her head.  Cirie is smirking…and I think she may have just managed to dump this game right on its head.  The person voted out, and the second member of the jury is………………..Ozzy.  Eliza practically falls off the jury bench.  Ozzy mutters, thanks guys.  Blurry Butt looks devastated.  And that another hidden immunity idol that did not get played.  In the last bit, we see that Ozzy only had four votes (him, Cutey Pie, Blurry Butt and Scooper), while everyone else including Havarti voted against him.  He tells the camera that he is really dumb, that he made a huge mistake, and to whoever betrayed him, screw you.  A man of few words.  And now….the best survivor that never won.  I gotta say, the smart money has to be on Cirie.  She has pulled so many strings to get what she wants done in this game…she is the puppet master. 

Later gators,

Heather

p.s. – Game 7 tonight at 7 pm.

Hello Idolers.  It’s go time.  Time to get rid of this week’s biggest loser.  I know, I’m feeling pretty apathetic this week as a result of the Caps looking so out of sorts on Tuesday.  They’re playing again tonight…in Philly <frowny>…so I may be in a better mood tomorrow.  Seacrest is back to the black shiny suits and yes I am still talking about it…just can’t help myself.  It’s a habit.  36 million votes were phoned in…that had to be enough to get Horsey ousted.  We’ll have to wait to find out though, here are our judges.  Randy is wearing some black sequined shirt, Paula has a huge flower on her neck distracting me from what the rest of her outfit looked like, and Simon is wearing grey again.  The kiddies start off the show with their group song…and Dreads has this solo in the beginning which is just awful…and then Horsey sings and this is a total train wreck.  I don’t think they should sing this one on the tour.

Seacrest is talking about the song competition again…yeah, yeah, we know already.  Recap the highlights from last night and let’s get to it.  Dreads is up first and he is safe and he likes the beach.  Cookie gets screams from the audience, and he is very emotional and he is in the bottom three.  Irish Carly is off to the safe side and thinks Simon has been particularly hard on her.  He says it’s just because I think you can do better, which is kind of like a compliment.  Horsey comes out next, she calls Simon a butt and heads off to the Loser side of the stage.  Not looking too good for the Cooks tonight.

And here is the Ford commercial of the week…and let me tell you something….this was by far and away the creepiest thing they have ever done.  The kiddies are all puppets and they're flopping around like creepy puppets and they’re all made up like horror movie freaks and I didn’t like it at all.  At.  All. 

Time for this week’s guest ex-Idoler to perform – Dumbo Ears!!  You remember Eliot Yamin?  Yeah, he didn’t win anything……obviously.  Awwwwwwwwwwww….I’m so mean.  I don’t like the beard, it looks kind of grizzly.  He’s got something written on his hand, so I made the Hubby rewind the DVR.  “We miss you mom.”  <long pause>  What?  He gets a big hug from Ryan and that’s when we find out that his mom died.  Like…just died a few days ago and this is the first time he’s been on the stage and wow, do I feel like a huge s**thead now. 

Syesha comes out with her big hair and she is safe.  And then Brookie comes out and talks about how emotional she is…again and she has to go stand with the Cooks on the Loser side….and….oh wait.  Tricky tricky.  I literally just noticed that there are no stools on the stage and that Ryan has never once said someone is safe…they’re just being split into two different groups.  Huh.  Always changing it up on us, aren’t they?

Time for viewer questions.  I missed this last week.  <pause>  Just kidding.  First question is for Horsey – were you able to buy your horse back?  No, and so Ryan is like, ‘Sir, come on….look at that face, give her her horse back!’  Heehee…no pressure.  The next question is for the judges – what was the first album you ever bought.  Randy says he bought Zeppelin, the Beatles and something else I didn’t catch.  Paula said she bought Earth, Wind & Fire, and Carol King and something else I didn’t catch.  Simon said he was 10 and he bought Paula Abdul’s album Straight Up.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Next question is for Paula – what song of yours best describes your relationship with Simon?  And Simon says, Straight Up (oh my!) and Randy says Cold Hearted Snake…and Paula rambles on and says Simon I will never be ‘Your Girl’…The next question is for Simon and the caller wants to know the difference between a ‘karaoke’, ‘theme park’, ‘cruise ship’ and ‘meatless hamburger’ performance?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon says, they all suck.  The next caller wants to know if Cookie is single.  And he gives the camera a big YES.  What a tramp.

We’re back from commercial and Ryan is shilling American Idol stamps now.  Are you serious?  Do these people have no shame?  How much crap can you put American Idol on, anyway?  And how long do I have to buy some of those stamps?

Mariah is here singing ‘Bye Bye’ in a super hot black dress showing off mile long legs.  Good Lord almighty, she looks great.  The Hubby has quieted down considerably.  And look at that diamond bracelet!!  Yummy.  I mentioned it to the Hubby, and he goes, What bracelet?  HAHAHAHAHAHA, men are so predictable.  Seacrest could just stand next to her all night I think.

So on one side of the stage we have Syesha, Dreads and Irish Carly.  On the other side of the stage we have Brookie and the Cookies.  And here is Napoleon in his MJ jacket.  Seacrest wants to know if he’s having any fun?  Yeah….cause it’s so easy to tell zombie face.  He is safe.  Ryan said it which is how I know.  And then he tells Captain Cook and Syesha to switch places on the stage.  And then he tells Napoleon to pick which side he thinks is safe and the Hubby immediately starts crying foul play!  Which is not exactly how he described it….but you get the idea.  So instead, Napoleon sits right down in the middle of everything.  Nice.  Nice move kid.  Vote for Pedro and all your wildest dreams will come true.  So after that being cool and at the same time kind of awkward because I got the creepy feeling like his dad was out in the audience telling him to scoot closer to the middle of the stage….we find out that Irish Carly, Dreads, Captain and Napoleon are all safe.

So the Losers this week are Syesha, Brookie and Horsey.  Syesha is safe right off the bat and Horsey kind of knows she’s going home and Brookie is like you don’t know anything.  And of course it’s Horsey.  She finally got the axe.  Woohooooooooooooooooooo!!!  I am finally right about something on this show.  See?  If you pick the same person to go home every week, eventually you will be right.  Brookie is crying all over the place, and now Horsey is crying but staying remarkably composed.  That’s it for tonight, and Horsey has to sing one last time and so she is sitting practically in Simon’s lap, singing directly to him.  Chutzpah.  I like it.  And wow….if she had sang like this last night, she may have stuck around.  Was it just me, or did this sound waaaaaaaaaaaaay better?  Oh well.  Too late.  Doesn’t matter.  <evil grin>  Can someone please tell me why Paula is always standing?

Down to Six.  The Sixers.  <smile>

Later gators,

Heather

So I’m a day late again with this….I’m sure you are all perfect and have endless amounts of time to spend on things that are not work while you’re at work….but not so for the glamorous world of government auditing people.  I was very busy making the auditee miserable yesterday with my unending number of questions and harassment.  It was fun, but let’s get back to this shall we?

So the Caps are on tonight.  Game 3 is tonight, the series is tied.  Of course the first game, the one we won, was brilliant.  Down 4-2 in the third period…no chance, right?  Oh no.  Think again.  Green gets TWO goals in the first ten minutes of the period to tie it up and then Mr. Fantastic gets the game winner.  That was just in case anybody didn’t think he deserved the MVP.  But Sunday was a whole different story….they looked like an entirely different team.  They were playing for themselves, and not for each other….they looked more like the old Caps.  So now that the series is tied, tonight is important and we’re in stupid stupid Philadelphia…so I might be kind of distracted.  Just a warning.

 

The top 7 are performing tonight.  Wow, where has the time gone?  It feels like this season just started yesterday.  I mentioned that to the Hubby and he looked at me like I had green tentacles growing out of my forehead.  Perspective is a funny thing, isn’t it?  I know I mentioned I wouldn’t mention Ryan’s wardrobe again, except tonight he isn’t wearing another black suit….tonight it's tan.  Still very nice, but tan.  He spends a good 30 seconds chastising us for apparently not voting enough last Thursday.  What was it Ryan, 30 million votes or something?  That’s not enough for you?  Distraction #1 – Just realized that Comcast Sportsnet is showing the Caps game…I was taping it on Vs.  And when I switch back to the recording on the DVR, that channel is blacked out.  After fits of profanity and getting the right channel taping finally for the hockey, I’m back to AI.  Randy is wearing his black bowling shirt.  And say hello to Paula the Purple People Eater.  And here is Simon in the ever classy and chic black sweater.  And here are the kiddies look pale and nauseous with excitement.  And you know why they’re nervous, right??  Tonight is Mariah Carey night.  Get the hell out of here.  You have been yelling at Syesha for the last month or so for picking songs that are too big for her….and now you’re going to force everyone to sing songs by one of the world’s biggest Divas??  That’s nuts.  The Hubby, and others, have mentioned to me that this was a ploy by the producers to get a girl voted off.  Wow, are you guys paranoid.  So we get the intro to Mariah in case any of you have lived under a rock in a hole in the center of the Earth for the last twenty years or so…she’s sold 160 million albums, 5 grammys, just topped Elvis for the most #1 hits for a solo artist.  She brought her dog to meet the Idols.  She looks totally amazing, by the way.  Which is great because the Hubby can be distracted by that this week and maybe he’ll be quiet.  So Randy tells us he’s looking for identity this week, be yourself, don’t try to be Mariah.  Ok, good luck with that kiddies.  Paula said she thinks she should defer to Randy this week since he’s the expert on Mariah.  <chuckle>  Coming back to bite you in the ass, isn’t it Randy?  Simon said this is make or break time for Randy, he’s got it all on the line tonight.

Mickey Mouse is up first for the night.  I have decided to call him Napoleon Dynamite now because that’s what his stupid voice sounds like.  If you like him….sorry….but it is annoying.  He doesn’t think he’s worthy to be in Mariah’s presence…not worthy, heehee, now he sounds like Mike Myers.  Anyway, Mariah thought his voice was moving.  Is he wearing leather pants?  Yeah, he can sing.  It sounds a little bit off…but just in a few places.  I think it’s called ‘Believe’.  It was pretty…but I wasn’t going crazy or anything.  I’m kind of irked because the score is three to one after the first period….Huet is making me nuts.  He’s the new little goalie phenom we traded for….I’d rather see Olie the Goalie play against the Flyers.  I think he’s less intimidated by them….So anyway, Napoleon gets through the song and here’s that zombie smile we’ve come to know and love (not really).  Randy said you can sing anything.  Paula said you made Mariah proud (how does she know?).  And Simon said you performed it very well.  Seacrest tells us that Napoleon doesn’t eat on performance night….yeah because Daddy is punishing him for not singing well enough to make him millions….

Irish Carly is up next.  She was sad to see Thunder go because now everything is very boring.  Nice.  Apparently all the other kiddies are super dull.  I can kind of see that….Zombie Boy and the Arrogant One and the Shy One and girls never get along with girls very well.  She’s singing ‘Without You’.  Mariah thinks she did a great job.  She’s singing with the piano, a lot of low notes in this song, and I think it sounds pretty good.  And then she goes really big with her voice…beautiful, but you know ever since Simon called her angry…..thought’s all I can think of when I look at her.  Simon is whispering something to Paula, probably telling her what to say.  Randy says be more confident with the low notes.  Paula says she loved that Carly showed some restraint.  Ok.  Simon says, you didn’t pull it off, you’re overthinking, you’re too wound up.  Well.  Tell us how you really feel, Cowell.  You know, I really do get the impression he says these things because he genuinely thinks she can do better.  She does look good though, pretty dress.

And another commercial, so the Hubby switches right back to the hockey.  Mike Green scored, with an assist from Semin and Ovechkin set it up.  Stupid Philly orange people are booing every time Alex has the puck.  I hate them.  So next to sing is Syesha.  She is going to attempt ‘Vanishing’.  Mariah gives her some real advice about the song.  She thought Syesha was really cool, very composed.  Huh, that actually sounds like a real compliment.  More piano for this one and she’s wearing a pretty gold dress.  This sounds great, I think.  A little screamy, but pretty strong.  I like her, she is just so cute.  Randy said you pick the toughest songs, but you did a good job all things considered.  “All things considered” is one of the worst phrases in the history of the English language.  It’s an insult that’s pretending to be a compliment.  Fraidy cats use this phrase because they just can’t come right out and say what they mean…it’s infuriating to me.  Paula calls her extremely smart for picking a song not many people know….wow, is their advice totally contradictory from week to week or what?  Simon said, again technically it was very good.  You run a risk singing a song not many people know.  It’s a wonder the kiddies’ heads don’t explode from this nonsense.  The Cowell says he thinks Napoleon has stolen the show and he’s the one to beat…..ugh…..are you serious Simon?

Philly just scored another goal in the 2^nd, that’s 4 to 2 again going in to the third period….Snow White is singing for us now.  She talks about missing her sister’s wedding and that made her emotional…noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….you’re joking?  Isn’t she emotional every week?  So she is attempting ‘Hero’ and Mariah calls her really genuine.  She’s playing the piano for this one and it’s very pretty.  Not as good obviously, but good.  She looks nervous at the end there….she’s kind of losing it I think….is she shaking?  Anyway, the song is over, she puts her shoes back on.  Randy thought the bridge was kind of rough, at the end you lost confidence.  Exactly.  Paula said she is authentic to who you are….whatever that means, she said don’t let the lack of confidence speed you up.  Simon said, and thi s is classic, it was like “ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun”.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Paula starts going where’s the beef, and then they all start arguing that the burger was there but the lettuce and tomato weren’t….and this conversation is really irritating.  Seacrest goes, if you’d like to order take-out, dial…..<giggle>

The Horse Whisperer is next on the sacrificial alter for the girls.  She is singing ‘Forever’.  I thought she sounded pretty bad in rehearsal, but Mariah likes Horsey’s version better than her own.  Come on Mariah….I think you must be light-headed from not eating anything….So Horsey is singing this with the piano guy too….her hair looks kind of frumpy.  I know, so catty.  I just can’t help myself…I think this girl should have gone home weeks ago…is she even with the music?  She sings it in her country style, which was a good choice.  Randy said he wasn’t amazed, a couple of pitchy notes but then you stepped it up.  Ok.  Paula said you’re very smart (why is she calling everybody smart tonight?) and she was blown away….blah blah blah….she’s in one of her blubbering moods tonight.  Simon said you didn’t give me chills (because she gave Mariah chills), it was whiny, and you managed with what you could, not great.  He really doesn’t mince words with her, does he?  So she’s going home this week, right?  Right?

Oh look, Ramielle is in the audience, that’s nice.  Where’s her gal pal, Danny?  We’re into the third period and Morrison scored a goal off of Brooks Laiche (Brooke White’s hockey double) and I have hope.  Captain Cook is singing next and he picked ‘Always Be My Baby’, which Mariah was surprised by.She said it was pretty and haunting.  I like his voice, even if he is pompous.  Such a double standard, I know.  I like him but not Horsey…oh well, that’s how the world works people, deal with it.  He certainly made it his own, into that nice rock version.  The ending was very pretty.  Randy said you are ready to make an album now and then he gave him a standing ovation.  Paula said this could be in a movie soundtrack, you’re it.  Simon said it was like coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…..he said it was a sign of a great potential artist, taking risks, congratulations.  And Cookie is crying….taking a page right out of Brookie's book getting all teary-eyed like that….

The Flyers just scored on a penalty shot.  And then scored again on an empty net at the end of the game.  Final score, for all of you not keeping track….6-3.  Not good not good.  I am very upset.  Like….Redskins upset.  Dreadilocks is singing last tonight.  He annoys me too with his stuttering pluttering surfer dude voice, but not as much as Napoleon.  He is singing ‘I Don’t Want To Cry’….which maybe Cookie should have sang, huh?  Mariah gave him some advice on different melodies, which he apparently appreciated.  It’s kind of hard to tell with this one…he kind of acts the same all the time….Mariah thinks he’s unique.  Ok.  The song is pretty, folksy, same old standard Dreads.  Nothing new.  Randy didn’t really love it, he felt like he was at a weird beach luau.  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA….nice one.  Paula said I’d love to be at that luau listening to you sing all night long…..oh Paula.  Simon said he agrees with………….<short dramatic pause> Paula.  It wasn’t the best vocal, but it identified with you, and it was a cool version.  Nice.

So Horsey is going home.  I realize I’ve said this about four hundred times already…and have successfully lost all credibility with you people for my selection skills.  But come on…it’s obvious right? 

Later gators,

Heather

 

Back in Survivor world people and the Oz Man is explaining that he never would have voted poor Ami off if she had only been honest with him…yeah, we get it Ozzie.  Don’t cross you…or it’s off with your head.  The Scooper is super excited that he’s still around…he of course makes this into a much bigger deal than I think it is, but whatever.  Now he wants a merge, yeah…I bet you do.  Over at the Airheads beach, Jason is telling Our Fair Lady that he has the hidden immunity idol (or stick).  She is of course thrilled and thinks she is the luckiest person on the planet to have an alliance with Jason…little does she know of course that Jason has fallen blunder to Ozzie's excellent ruse.  I love it.  Iloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveit.  This is very exciting for me too.  If someone plays that stick…and Jeffy throws it on the fire…I’ll be dancing around my living room.  That would be exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcellent.  Seriously. 

So on Day 22, the tribes are merging.  The tree mail says to pack up all their crap and go to this other new location where they’ll meet up with everyone else.  Of course Malarkey is annoyed they have to leave Camp Paradise and the Airheads are thrilled to finally get away from the fifth circle of Hell.  The Scooper is swearing his undying loyalty to the Oz Man…I think he would do or say anything at this point to convince Ozzie that he’s going to be true blue.  Havarti is admitting to us that she’s gotten herself into a pickle with all her alliances…oh boy….these people, some of whom you are inevitably going to betray, will be on the jury Havarti.  Should’ve thought that one through a bit more.  So everyone makes it to the new beach and of course Jason and Fair Lady are extremely disappointed to see that Ami was voted off…that kind of messes up everything.  So the new merged team has to pick one of the old beaches to live at and of course everyone votes for Malarkey, and then they have to pick a new name.  This is normally a very boring part of the merge ceremony…but this season the Scooper came through for me.  He suggested to everyone that they name the team Dabu because that means “good” in Micronesian.  Except of course for the fact that he doesn’t know any Micronesian and he’s making the whole thing up.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA.  Ok, the Scooper just got an iota of respect from me. 

And look at this, you know that girl Alexis…who I wasn’t sure was even on this show before…yeah that one, or maybe I’m thinking of Natalie.  Whatever, Alexis is the one I’m talking about now and she is flirting BIG TIME with the Oz Man, who is either completely oblivious, completely drunk,  or is just loving it…because he invites Alexis into their alliance without consulting with anyone….and the two of them are getting the super-evil eye from Blurry Butt.  Wow did this show just turn into a soap opera.  <giggle>  Love it.  Very exciting. 

The next day they’re back at Malarkey and Jason is asking Ozzie to teach him how to spear fish…kiss up.  Ozzie seems to be remarkably comfortable with his role as the guy everyone wants to impress.  Huh.  I guess that would get to anyone’s head after a while.  And here’s Our Fair Lady talking to Havarti about Ami and then she says, get this, well we’re still good right?  <pause>  What the hell is she talking about?  Was the Doolittle ever in an alliance with the Beautiful People?  Yeah….I didn’t think so.  But that’s pretty ballsy of her, right?  Or maybe she’s just a total social moron.  And Havarti is like well everything has changed…which basically means, no you’re not in our alliance.  And then Havarti goes and talks to Blurry Butt and tells her about Our Fair Lady and what an idiot she is, and then she tells her about the new alliance she has basically agreed to on behalf of her and Blurry Butt….and she keeps saying things like “we’re” in a pickle now.  Like Blurry Butt had absolutely anything to do with that decision….and of course Blurry is super annoyed at Havarti but she tries to play it down….even though it was pretty obvious to me she was pissed, Havarti is a little pre-occupied with her plans to get rid of the Fair Lady. 

Now it’s time for the immunity challenge and Jason tells Fair Lady that if he wins the challenge, he’ll give her the stick, I mean idol.  <chuckle>  Oh…this keeps getting better and better.  So Jeffy poo shows them all the new immunity necklace and explains the challenge.  It’s basically all about drowning yourself.  The tribe is supposed to hang out in the water under this cage/grate thing while the tide rolls in, and whoever is the last person to surface or die, wins.  That’s awesome.  So they all make it through a pretty like time, like 40 minutes for the tide to come in.  And then they start dropping like flies as the water covers their ears, and faces.  Then suddenly it’s down to Cutey Pie, the Oz Man and Jason.  They’re making little airways with their hands since pretty much their entire face and nose is under water now.  Cutey Pie is the first to drop out….and then it gets really tense.  Ozzie goes completely under, comes back up, tries to get air, doesn’t seem to be able to, and has to come up.  His face is all puffy….like he was about to die.  And looky looky, Jason is the winner.  Oh, this can’t be that perfect, can it? 

So back at camp Doobie and Jason is feeling like the king of the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I would too if I beat Ozzie in a challenge, right?  So Havarti is telling everyone to vote off Fair Lady and old buggy eyes runs off to get the stick, I mean idol from Jason.  And then Blurry Butt tells Cirie she wants to vote off Alexis.  Hmmmm…wonder why she’s so threatened?  I didn’t know Alexis is a motivational speaker…that’s a pretty good reason to get rid of her, and of course the fact that she’s schmoozing with the Oz Man.  So Jason gets the idol and Fair Lady takes a look and she’s like…this isn’t it…it’s just a <bleepin> stick!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Of course, I’m slightly disappointed that it appears as though the stick will not be played, but then Fair Lady goes to ask Jason what the hell he thinks he’s doing…and Jason is just convinced….just certain that that is the idol.  And Fair Lady is like, no you moron.  It’s a stick.  <chuckle>  And then she goes, like music to my ears, should I just play it anyway?  And Jason is like, why not.  Ohhhhhhh goooooodie!!

So it’s time for tribal council.  Jeffy poo immediately asks Alexis how she’s sizing everyone up, and the motivation speaker said people have three different types of strengths – social, mental and physical.  I think she’s been thinking about this for a looooooooooong time.  I think she may already have her finale speeches mesmerized.  You gotta get rid of this girl…right?  Cirie calls Alexis a triple threat.  And then Jeffy poo asks Alexis to size up Eliza and she says “she playED a poor social game.”  That’s right….played….in the past tense.  And Jeffy poo picks up on that immediately, and when Alexis seems confused, Eliza explains you’re making it sound like I’m already gone.  Oh….whoops.  So the Oz Man and Cutey Pie come to Eliza’s defense and say you always want a player that everyone hates with you at the end so you have a good shot at winning….of course implying that they’re going to keep Eliza around to be that player that everyone hates.  And she picks right up on this line of thinking…of course in desperation to save her own skin.  So it’s time to vote, once the votes are read the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  I can honestly say I have absolutely no idea who is going…and it could be any one of three people right now.  But then Jeffy comes back with the votes and he asks if anyone wants to play the hidden immunity idol and I’m practically squirming in my seat right now….and then it happens.  TV gold, people.  Eliza, my new favorite player, hands Jeffy the stick….I mean idol <snicker snicker>.  And then Jeffy, because he understands drama…gives this long explanation for the hidden idol and that no votes would count, etc etc.  And Havarti is about to have an anxiety attack…when Jeffy finally says – “But this isn’t an idol.”  And he tosses it on the fire.  Eliza says, oh well but you know it’s Ozzie that has the real one.  And Ozzie basically admits to it, and then says don’t burn that!  That took a long time to carve.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  But why did he admit to it?  I guess the cat was pretty much out of the bag at that point.  And Eliza Doolittle, Our Fair Lady is the first member of the jury. 

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…that was probably one of the better episodes I have ever seen of this show.  Just brilliant. 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s go time people.  Lots of American Idol on this week, hope you’re not burned out by it yet.  It’s time to kick someone off the show and completely destroy their self esteem….you know, I don’t think they voted someone off during Idol Gives Back week last year?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Anyway, here’s Ryan in another nice black suit.  Congratulations to whoever he has dressing him now.  You may wonder why I mention what he’s wearing all the time…quite simply because in the earlier days of the show right up until last year basically…he looked like a clown half the time and the other half of the time, he looked like a freak.  And everybody likes hearing about freaks….but I may have to stop.  The Black Suit uniform is becoming a little dull.  Don’t get me wrong.  He looks great….just boring.  But over at the judge’s table we have a whole different matter to discuss.  It’s Crazy Shirt Night for Randy and Paula.  I don’t really know how to properly describe what they’re wearing….just crazy.  And Simon is in grey, which is British for gray.  The kiddies are singing again.  Shout to the Lord.  Which they sang last night.  And now we’re listening to it……….again.  Huh.  That’s kind of weird….right?  This was at the end of last night’s show though…like at 10:07, so probably about 97% of DVR’s were no longer recording the stupid show.  Except mine because I’m a DVR programming genius.  But still, I’ve heard it before, so I just fast forwarded through it.  The Hubby is doing his Dumb & Dumber impression – “Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?” and whining incessantly about this being the third night in a row we have to watch this show.  <sigh>  Cole and Dylan Sprouse (those twins who were in Big Daddy and other things I am assuming) are begging for money.  Wow, they had so many celebs do promos that they couldn’t fit them all in last night….that’s crazy.

And speaking of celebs and promotions, we come back to this year’s montage of the Crazy People dancing around to “I’m A Believer” in the spirit of giving.  Instead of trying to name everyone that was on the video, I just added it above so you can watch it for yourselves.  Ryan tells us that 31 million people voted.  And now it’s time to get down to business, so dim the lights.  Snow White is the first one out on stage and she was very emotional last night because apparently her sister is getting married and she says, “And I won’t be able to go.”  And then she realized how that sounded, so she added, “I don’t want to be presumptuous, I assume I’m not going, maybe I am.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Alright Brookie.  This is one case out of ten thousand that your non-stop talking worked in your favor, that was pretty funny.  So Seacrest gives her the cue card to read, and she finds out that she’s safe.  To the couch!  And then Captain Cook comes out and we recap – he’s pompous, arrogant, smug.  And apparently he doesn’t really care what Simon calls him….you know, because he’s so arrogant.  And apparently he’s safe too.  Ok.  Last up in the first threesome in Mickey Mouse looking more and more like a zombie.  Remember when he genuinely looked happy to be here?  What happened to that kid, huh?  So anyway, he and his raspy voice are still safe.  Congratulations Papa Archuleta.

More promos from “Doctor” Phil and Ricki Lake.  And now we’re going back to Africa for another video with Forrest Whitaker and Wife.  They’re showing us all the orphaned homeless kids in Angola.  <shudder>  One six year old is helping his blind father beg for money on the streets.  <shaking my head>  Six years old.  He should be playing….not begging.  Forrest is pretty shaken up when they go home with the little family and see that the three kids in the family all sleep on this tiny dirty thin mattress on the floor.  That’s their bed.  You can tell he was pretty taken aback when the kids showed him…he was like, “Oh……………..oh ok. “  And then he’s trying to describe how troubling it is to see all this and he gets pretty emotional.  He calls the kids in Angola a ‘generation of lost children’.  And then he explains that they are some places where the kids can go to be housed and go to school.  A nun runs the one he visited.  But of course these places can only take so many kids.  So you need to donate.  And AI is still taking your money.  So GIVE GIVE GIVE!!

Now it’s time for the guest performer of the week – Miss Jordin Sparks with the Hit Machine Chris Brown are singing their duet ‘No Air’.  Pretty song and Chris Brown sounds great, doesn’t he?  After the song Ryan presents Jordin with her gold record thing and other framed tributes for a million downloads of No Air and half a million downloads of her song Tattoo.  Well, good for her….and Ryan goes, see this is proof that American Idol works.  <pause>  What?  I have no idea what he meant by that….it sounded weird right?  

Michael Chiclets is asking for money now and trying to be his character from the Shield show….silly, you’ll always be The Thing from Fantastic Four.  And now it’s time for the creepy Ford commercial set to I Just Want to Celebrate.  They’re driving through paint like a bunch of freaks.  I would not like to get paint on my car…this commercial makes me uneasy.  So let’s move on.

Time for the next threesome of the top eighters.  Dreadilocks comes out first and he tells Ryan that he bought that ukulele for $600.  Are you joking?  I was curious so I went to the website ukuleleworld.com and the most expensive uke on their page is about $600….who knew?  Oh yeah, and he’s safe.  The Horse Whisperer comes out and you just know that she knows she’s gonna be the first to sit on the stools.  The Hubby told me that her Vegas odds of winning the show are 75:1….I don’t know where he hears this stuff.  Anyway, her odds just got better because she’s safe.  So that leaves us with Irish Carly, Syesha and the Thunder, who must all be in the bottom three because I can count.

Jim Carrey is asking for money now and Bono is explaining one.org.  He thinks ‘New Americans’ are more charitable.  That’s nice.  I can tell you this Mr. Bono, if the price of gas, cigs and groceries weren’t breaking the bank right now…I would have given a little more!  Oh and look at this, the candidates all have a little schpeal to give us too – Hillary, John and Barrack.  How wonderful…so now, not only are we mixing church and American Idol, now we’re mixing politics and American Idol.  <shaking my head>  Is nothing sacred anymore?

They are really dragging this hour out aren’t they?  Don’t have enough filler to fill the show, I think.  So Ryan is recapping everyone’s performance and talking to the judges, blah blah blah.  Carly looks like she’s pretty convinced she is going home…and then Ryan says….Syesha, Carly, you are safe.  WHAT?!?!?

 

 

WHAT!?!?!?!

 

 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Everyone is shocked.  Stunned.  The audience is eerily silent.  And then Ryan, because he is the biggest moron jackass on the planet, says last year we didn’t vote anyone off during Idol Gives Back week…and everyone kind of holds their breath because he’s making it sounds like even though there was a vote, maybe they won’t get rid of anyone this week either, but then he says,  but you Michael are leaving us tonight.  You idiot.  I hate him sometimes…but poor Michael….I think Paula actually made a good point – it’s time to get your career started because a lot of people are dying to hear from you.  Yes yes.  I cannot believe the Aussie went before Kristy Lee.  I seriously can’t.

 

Oh well, America…this isn’t the first time you’ve disappointed me and will undoubtedly not be the last.  By the way, the first game of the NHL playoff series between the Flyers and my Washington Capitals is tonight at 7pm on Comcast Sportsnet.  I am giddy with excitement for this hockey team…going to be wearing my lucky jersey all night.  So root them on gators!! 

 

Rock the Red!  Later,

Heather

It’s Idol Gives Back night!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  I have been looking forward to this, and imagine my complete delight upon hearing that the show was going to be on for 2 ½ hours!!!  <giggle>  The Hubby is in misery…and I do feel kind of bad, except there’s really nothing else on tonight….not like he’s missing anything.  I have a big box of Kleenex next to me because I can just about guarantee that this is gonna by a major tearjerker.  Kids’ll get you every time.

So here’s Ryan in a very nice black suit.  This one looks a bit more expensive than his regular weeknight attire.  He tells us we’re here to raise money for disadvantaged kids around the world and in the US.  We know, Ryan.  Bring on the celebrities!!  First though, the kiddies get to sing with the kiddies from So You Think You Can Dance.  This is totally awesome dancing.  The breakdancers…..is that what they’re still called?  Anyway, they seriously looked like they were breaking their bodies….ouch.  Ryan dances off the stage with them.  You dork.

Our first promo is from Nascar champion Jimmie Johnson.  The Hubby hates this guy.  So I got a very loud BOOOOOOOOOOO from his couch, and then the grumbling continued.  George Lopez asked for money next, in Spanish.  And then Kylie Minogue.  “Save a life tonight, save the world tomorrow.”  Wow.  Is that all we have to do?  <smile>  Always have great expectations of yourself people.  We underestimate ourselves allllllllllllllllll the time.  And now the First Lady of Caleeeeeeeeefornia is here on stage, Miss Maria Shriver.  Looking really creepy.  She should have been the alien in Men In Black II, instead of Lara Flynn Boyle.  Anyway, she’s on stage with a ton of volunteers and she’s telling us we can all be American Idols!!!  Woooooooohooooooo!! 

And here is funnyman Ben Stiller.  He tells us he released a cover album of Whitney Houston songs.  <chuckle>, Ok.  And apparently, thanks to his venture American Idol is now in the hole by a few million.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Ok.  Now he tells us his plan to raise a gugillion dollars for the fundraiser.  He’s such a nut.  Seriously.  If a gugillion people donate just a dollar….HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Exxon gets their promotional commercial in…Jennifer Connelly is in it, and its talking about water and how so many people don’t have fresh drinking water available to them.  I cannot even imagine…in my totally sheltered world of water bottles and water coolers, these kids have nothing.  It's not a different planet people....it's all here, in this world.  <shaking my head>  Starting to get upset….

Our first act of the night is Snoop Dogg.  Some other guy is up there singing too, and I guess if I was more hip I would know who that was….but I’m not and I don’t.  Sorry.  And then the kids football team that Snoop sponsors walks onto to the stage.  All these cute little kids in their jersey jackets.  That’s very cool.  So easy to donate time, even if you don’t have money.  Everybody has something they can share.  Our next beggar is Kobe Bryant with a big band aid on his face.  And then we get Triple H yelling at us in his normal speaking voice, give money or I will squash you like a bug.  Yikes.  Now Paula and Randy are on stage.  Paula looks completely fantastic in this hot little red dress, Randy is wearing some weird black jacket.  They’re telling us about kids right there in Caleeeeeeeeeefornia who are obese and poor and they go to this elementary school that, I am not joking, looks like it’s in the middle of a war zone.  These poor poor kids.  The school has an after-school program to keep kids active and eating healthy, but kids in this neighborhood can’t even play outside because of all the gang activity.  Teachers are telling us how these kids have forgotten how to be kids.  How to not worry.  How to just have fun sometimes.  And then they interview one kid who lets out this magnificent sigh…..a sigh that said so much.  Kids shouldn’t sigh that way.  Like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  They just shouldn’t.  Very sad and now I’m upset.  Congratulations American Idol.  My blissful ignorance has been shattered once again. 

Now we get to see a dumb little skit with Carrie Underwood and James Denton doing handyman things like his character on Desperate Housewives.  Is that show still as unbelievably silly as it was like years ago when I was still watching it?  Anyway, so Teri Hatcher walks in on them and says if you’re gonna steal my man then I’m gonna steal your song.  All very very stupid.  So….is she really going to sing?  The announcer introduces her and the Band From TV.  Is this a joke?  What the hell is going on?  And they are all literally from TV, the Heroes guy on drums, the House guy on the fiddle (the cute blonde one), Mike Delfino on guitar and Miss Teri Hatcher singing...pretty well.  That was actually kind of cool, especially since I was expecting it to be a total train wreck.  Then Carrie comes out and tells us all to give as much as we can.  Now a plea from Mary Murphy that screaming dancing show woman.  And more from the Jonas Brothers.

Now it’s time for Billy Crystal, recently retired from the New York Yankees <chuckle>, and he’s telling us about this new up and comer whose dream it has been to sing on American Idol, blah blah blah.  And of course he’s talking about Mylie Cyrus aka the Hannah Montana, aka Billy’s kid.  She’s had two number one hits and a number one movie at the box office.  Really?  Isn’t she like 12 years old….oh 15….and then she asks Billy if he’s in show business.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, that was cute.  And now she’s singing, and I have to say having never really paid that much attention to the Hannah Montana hoopla, I was pretty impressed.  Not by her singing, which was pretty average, but she is quite the little performer.  At 15!!  Holy cow.

So Ryan is in the telethon studio and all the kiddies are taking your calls.  That’s a good idea.  He thanks all the sponsors for all the millions of dollars they donated.  And now we’re off to Africa to see Bono.  Isn’t he always in Africa?  Seriously…does this man ever stop campaigning for human rights?  He’s introducing us to a 14 year old girl who was born HIV positive.  She’s an orphan and she wants people to help her.  Oh dear Jesus….I may need more tissue than this….Next promo is from Julianne Moore, the lovable redhead.  And now Fergie is singing with John Legend on piano.  She is so beautiful.  The song is ‘Finally’, very pretty and she has some lungs on her, doesn’t she?  And then she introduces the next act – Heart.  Woooooooooohoooooooooooooo.  Love them.  And you know American Idol should have invited them with all the songs the kiddies have been singing by this band.  And then Fergie comes back out in a little Catwoman vinyl outfit to sing with Heart and she’s doing one-handed cart wheels around the stage and the Hubby is completely mesmerized by the gymnastics. 

John Cena is asking for money now.  And here is Adam Sandler and he introduces (or maybe it was Ryan, can’t remember) the Manning Brothers!!  WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  Eli and Peyton.  Peyton is soooooo cute!!  So anyway, they went back to their hometown of New Orleans to see all the damage still lingering from Hurricane Katrina.  The hurricane, if you can’t remember, happened in 2005.  That was three years ago people.  No one expected them to rebuild overnight….but I gotta tell you, I thought it would look a whole lot better than it does.  The kids here are in some after-school program talking about how the hurricane effected them.  There is nothing more nerve shattering than listening to a boy….a young boy, say the hurricane and all we’ve had to go through has made me a better man.  <long pause>  This kid….is so old.  And that….is so sad.  Here are Beckham and his gorgeous wife Posh asking for money now.  Ryan tells us we’ve raised $18 million so far.  And then we’re back to Africa with Bono.  He’s talking to kids orphaned by AIDS.  One boy has made a memory box so that he can think of his parents who both died from the disease.  And then Bono sends us to south Africa with the incomparable Annie Lennox.  I completely love this woman.  She is so amazing.  Anyway, she is visiting a family of four.  Four brothers.  The oldest is 15 and he has to take care of them all….and you look at him….and you just can’t escape it.  This kid is the same age as Hannah Montana.  He’s lived through more tragedy in his 15 years than I will probably ever know in my entire life.  He truly does have the weight of the world on his shoulders.  And to look at his face, the quiet dignified accepting face of a child.  You see God in the face of this child.  Not resentful, not envious, not angry.  Just sad.  Infinitely sad and more lonely than any one person should ever have to be.  Alone in his responsibility because everyone there, in this place, has the same or more on their own shoulders.  No one can help him carry this weight.  Everyone must care for themselves and their own.  Annie and the camera crew are taking the boys to a clinic to get tested for HIV.  This is the most awful thing…I am assuming they wouldn’t show us this if it was truly bad news….but there’s still that feeling, that sinking feeling for these kids.  If the oldest is sick, who will take care of the rest of them?  They are all negative, and they get the news and Annie is excited but the boys are stoic.  Ok, one less meteor of cosmic injustice to deal with, great.  The crew leaves, and poor Annie is crying her eyes out and now I’m crying my eyes out.  This was by far and away the most poignant clip they showed the whole night.  And here she is, Miss Lennox, singing for us now on stage.  The voice of an angel.  She sings ‘Many Rivers’, while playing the piano.  Very pretty song.

Kiefer Sutherland is begging now, and he mentioned something about 24 but I didn’t catch it.  When the hell is that show coming back on, anyway?  And here is Celine in Africa surrounded by kids and asking for money.  And here is Jimmy Kimmel on stage us with us in the Kodak theater.  Hi Jimmy!  He starts roasting Simon and talking about how we should use some of the money we raise to buy him some shirts that fit.  <chuckle>  And then he talks about his haircut.  You make $40 million a year, I think we can move up from Supercuts.  HAHAHAHAHHAHA.  He says he’s introducing Simon because no one else would.  That’s sweet.  So Simon is in New York and visiting a family who uses one of the mobile medical units for their care.  50 million kids in this country have no healthcare.  None.  Unbelievable….by the by, if you want to feel even more terrible about the state of the nation, watch Michael Moore’s flick Sicko.  I don’t particularly care for Michael Moore….but the movie is an eye-opener.  Even if half of it is severely slanted….eye-opener.  So anyway, the family Simon is visiting is a woman and her two kids, one who was in a wheelchair and has like three pins in his knee, the other has rheumatoid arthritis and the mom has recently been diagnosed with Lupus.  <shaking my head>  Why should you help?  Why is this your problem?  Quite simply because your ten dollars is a hundred to her….small things mean so much more to people who have nothing.  You may think such a small donation would be pointless….but that goes completely against the American way of thinking, doesn’t it?  One voice, one vote, one buck….all make a difference.  Simon is on stage now talking about what he saw, and then introduces the most successful American Idol, and I don’t know about you, but I was just assuming he was talking about Kelly Clarkson….and he wasn’t, he was talking about Carrie Underwood.  Huh.  She looks amazing by the way and the song is very pretty.  She is just a great country singer….but she’s not Kelly.  Still great though.

Whoopie Goldberg is next to guilt me out of my Starbucks money and then Ellen explaining that you don’t “dial” a number…you press a number.  <smile>  I hadn’t thought of that…she’s so funny.  And our next act is Gloria Estefan and Sheila E.  Well….oh my goodness.  The dancers are back – Get On Your Feet.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  This brings me back.  You know when this song was released?  Some of the kiddies weren’t even alive.  1989.  <grimace>  Wow.  And now Sara Silverman is on stage and this girl is so hysterical….she completely cracks me up.  She introduces Forrest Whittaker and his wife who are in Uganda for Malaria No More.

A child dies every 30 seconds from malaria…a completely preventable disease.  A $10 mosquito net would prevent so much of it….and we’re looking at a baby, a baby, that has advanced malaria.  It has gone to her brain and is causing convulsions and the baby is frothing at the mouth and could be comatose….and they wouldn’t show this if the baby dies………….right?  So Forrest and Wife come to the bedside after the baby has started to improve and are asking all kinds of questions.  Yes the baby should recover, yes she may have brain damage, and no, no one had a mosquito net in the house.  Forrest asks us to make tonight historic.  And then we get a message from The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, Member of Parliament.  The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.  The Hubby and I spent most of his speech trying to figure out what ‘Rt Hon’ and ‘MP’ stood for…but I did hear him say that Britain is donating 20 million mosquito nets to the Malaria No More fund.  Ryan, who is a math genius, tells us that’s $200 million.  Wow.  That’s impressive. 

More begging from Keith Urban and here is Reese Witherspoon.  She’s heading back to New Orleans to show us what the Children’s Defense Fund is all about and their programs called Freedom Schools.  These kids who are so poor and who have lost everything often turn to violence and drugs.  They get out of control so fast and this after-school program teaches kids how to be leaders in their communities again.  That is an inspired idea…really.  I like it a lot.  Now we’re back to the kiddies and they are singing ‘Seasons of Love’ from Rent, that musical.  I thought they sounded pretty good…but the Hubby just kept whining….of course he may just be irritated because he has been watching this for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than he is used to being subjected to Ryan Seacrest <chuckle>….poor guy. 

Here is Dane Cook, who the Hubby hates apparently, introducing Alicia Keys.  Miss Keys is in Africa promoting her charity “Keep A Child Alive” and visiting more kids orphaned by AIDS and visiting with a grandmother.  All four of her kids died of AIDS, and now she must take care of her eight grandchildren.  Oh dear Jesus.  Alicia is telling us if the media spent half the time they do on celebrity drama on these problems, they would be much closer to being solved.  I agree.  I really do….but that also makes me feel so guilty and selfish for liking to hear about celebrity drama….<frowny>….you can download the whole Alicia Keys Africa trip for free on the American Idol website.  That’s pretty cool. 

Hannah Montana is back singing again.  YES!!  I am so glad.  She is apparently singing a very popular song….but how am I supposed to know this stuff.  She and Papa Cyrus went back to their home state of Kentucky to see how poor the poor people are….and this is so depressing.  These people have nothing.  They live in squalor.  What do you think will happen to them during this recession, I mean credit crisis?  And this mom, she wants so much more for her kids….she would give anything for them to get out and get a better life…..give anything.  How do you give anything when you have nothing?  So the local school has a program that helps kids learn how to read, and community volunteers donate books to families because “you can go anywhere in a book”.  I don’t think I’ve stopped crying for the last hour or so….my parents raised us on books.  I read all the time.  Every day.  And I cannot even fathom not knowing how to read….how empty would your life be?  What would you dream about?  What would you imagine without stories to inspire you?  <shaking my head>  There are plenty of charities out there where you can donate books….you all have books in your house that you’re never gonna read again, so why not give them to someone who can’t afford it?  Why not? 

We’re back with Ryan and he’s introducing the Russian Idol.  <pause>  Oh, it’s Robin Williams….ok.  This is supposed to be funny, got it.  So “Bob” is explaining what Russia is like, and it’s kind of funny and then he sings this nonsense song which is super annoying….and then the judges get to “judge” him.  <sigh>  Ok….so Randy says there were a couple of pitch problems, Paula said she likes his shirt, and Simon said he thought it was fantastic.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then “Bob” gives the Cowell a hug and squeezes his butt.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That was actually the only funny thing about that whole schtick. 

Rob Schneider is begging for money, for himself and for the charity.  He explains that Bono only has enough to pay for half of Africa, and that we need to kick in the other half.  <smile>  Tyra Banks is asking us to be ‘fierce’ and donate as much as we can.  And David Spade is here to talk about New Orleans some more and to introduce…<gasp>….Brad Pitt!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  BRAD PITT!!!  Bradpittbradpittbradpittbradpittbradpitt…..<deep breath>….<ahem>…..ok.  I’m better now.  So Brad <squeal> Pitt is in New Orleans and he is building houses for everyone.  And he’s talking to the kids about what it means to go home.  What would you do if you lost everything?  What would you do?  I cannot even imagine….I don’t think I would care about the stuff.  You know, all the crap you have accumulated over the years – sofas and clothes and pictures.  But I would care about the memories, the photos, the irreplaceable stuff.  I can’t even imagine losing that.  And these kids are so strong, so defiant, so courageous.  I would be so happy to just go back home, they all say.  <smile>  The houses they are designing look pretty cool, by the way.  And now Brad Pitt <wildly waving my hands around> is on stage!!  The Pitt is in the house!!!  And his mic doesn’t work and so the stage manager comes out to wire him up and she says to us (because she conveniently has a mic on) that she just wanted to touch him.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah, me too.  And so he’s saying…..honestly I wasn’t paying attention….but then he introduces Daughtry, who is in Africa.  Oh, if I thought this couldn’t get any better….

The Daughtry band is in Africa, singing for and playing with the kids.  It’s like a music video to his song ‘What About Now’.  I have that CD by the way, in case anyone wants to borrow it….Lovely….and he’s still a looker.  Fame hasn’t made him fat or gross.  <smile>  He asks us to please give…well ok.  Just because you asked so nice and all. 

Last up for the night is the diva herself, Miss Mariah Carey.  With Randy Jackson on bass.  <smile>  We finally get living proof that Randy has worked with Mariah…well that’s good.  She’s singing ‘Fly Like A Bird’ and she looks great.  Thin Mariah.  And the song is soft and kind of boring and then she starts belting out some notes that 99.9999999% of the human race cannot duplicate.  That is just amazing….it should be screaming….but it’s not.  So beautiful.  She is truly talented.  Seacrest thanks everyone – the people who you help will never meet you.  The kiddies are singing us off to ‘Shout to the Lord’.  More Jesus.  And to be more accurate, the kiddies are singing with a huge chorus of gospel singers.  It’s actually quite pretty, but the Hubby is agitated because he knows he’s seconds away from it being over…and yes it did run over by like 10 minutes….but I outwitted the stupid DVR by taping it long.  HA!  Ben Stiller comes running out at the very end in the wrong theater…have we reached a gugillion?  And then he’s like, the Kodak theater?  Seacrest, you *&^%$%^.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, that was funny too.

A good thing it ended, because I am now officially out of Kleenex.  Listen people, as cheesy as some of it was, you have to admit that there is something you can do.  If you don’t have money, give your time, give what you don’t need or use, tell other people what you saw.

 

They’re kids, for crying out loud.  Just kids.  That’s really all they had to say.

 

Later gators,

Heather

p.s. – Vote off show is tomorrow.

Tonight is the final eight, our prelude to Idol Gives Back tomorrow.  The results show is on Thursday and Idol Gives Back starts at 7:30 Wednesday and goes until 10pm!!!  Holy cow, that’s a long show.  And I seriously doubt the Hubby is going to appreciate having to watch all that.  Oh well.  Ryan is in another spiffy black suit tonight with a blue shirt…very nice Ryan.  Randy and Simon are in black too and Paula has stuffed herself into a little glittery cocktail dress.  <shaking my head>  What does she think this is?  Seriously?  Tonight the kiddies are singing songs that inspire them.  Oh boy.  I can think of a lot of things that inspire twenty-somethings and all of them are fun to sing about.  <evil grin>

So first up tonight is the Thunder from Down Under.  Mr. Michael is singing Dream On by Aerosmith.  <pause>  Really?  Wow.  Steven Tyler has that freakishly large mouth…how can you possibly sing anything that was written for him.  Like me trying to play Chopin….just silly.  So he’s talking about it was his dream to come to the States and his dreams are coming true and blah blah blah.  We have a whole hour of this blubbery to look forward to, can’t wait.  The song sounds pretty good, I think this is his thing.  The high part of course didn’t really compare to Mr. Tyler, but then I already told you why that is impossible.  And wow, did it feel like he was singing for about 30 seconds, or what?  I guess they are crunched for time tonight…huh.  Randy thinks this is a very important week….as opposed to all those other weeks.  He thought it was pretty good, it had a few pitch problems, and then he felt it necessary to tell Mr. Michael that he is not Aerosmith.  Thanks Randy.  Paula of course disagreed whole-heartedly.  How can she breathe in that dress?  Unbelievable.  At least she can keep her chin warm.  She told him you sound as good as you look and then something about waking up her Chihuahuas with that last note.  I’m pretty sure she meant that as a compliment….but I don’t think I would have been complimented.  Simon said it was a good performance but he doesn’t like it when Thunder does impersonations.  He thinks he should be more bluesy and original.  Ok…but pretty good overall.

Syesha is singing next and she picked ‘I Believe’ by Fantasia.  Ok.  Listen….why does this girl insist, absolutely insist, on picking songs that have been sung by powerhouses.  Come on.  Fantasia can belt out a tune, and she is very distinctive…and they’re so gonna compare you to her.  It sounded off in the beginning and then it picks up a bit and then ending was….WHOOOOO….really high and loud.  Randy was of course comparing her to Fantasia (told ya so), he said it wasn’t as good, you didn’t connect.  Paula said you made it your own, one of your shining moments.  <sigh>  Simon said, technically you sang it well but it lacked emotion.  Ok….I guess that’s enough to get her through….she is cute after all.

Dreadilocks is singing next and let me tell you, I am on the edge of my seat to hear what actually inspires this kid.  I don’t think he answered that question, but he picked ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ by IZ.  I absolutely LOVE this version of the song.  And the guy was really cool (passed away in 1997).  And this isn’t nearly as good, not even close…the ukulele sounds all over the place.  Randy thought it was good, maybe because he hasn’t heard the original.  Oh for crying out loud.  Paula thought it was the perfect song.  Simon thought it was fantastic.  And he’s heard the original!!  Hmph. 

 

The Horse Whisperer is singing now.  Oh.  She’s still here?  She’s singing ‘Anyway’ by Martina McBride.  This is a pretty song…appropriate for her.  It’s country and that means more Jesus.  And listen to this…this is extremely inspiring….her goal is not be in the bottom three this week.  Way to shoot for the stars there, Horsey.  I am very disappointed to have to say that this was actually pretty good, even though this girl completely irritates me and agitates the Pumpkin.  Randy said other than a couple of pitch problems, it was pretty good.  Paula said you outdid yourself (not sure how much that is actually saying), excellent.  Simon said you showed us who you are as an artist, you look like a star tonight, smart choice of song.  It was good, not unbelievable.  Ok, ok, ok….so that probably means she’ll be here next week.  Damnit. 

Some guy is sitting on Simon’s lap after the break.  Apparently he is the Dark Lord of Fox…or whatever Simon said.  Hired them all.  Great…I have no idea what is going on…I don’t like it when they do these inner-circle things that the audience isn’t in on…it’s annoying.

So anyway, Captain Cook is singing next.  He is singing something called ‘Innocent’ by Our Lady Peace.  This is a really weird, disturbing song….I mean Cook’s “version” of it.  I put the original above so you could hear what it’s supposed to sound like.  Neat lyrics…but obviously too difficult to sing for Cookie.  He sounded terrible.  Randy says even though he’s a huge fan of Cookie, this was not one of his stronger weeks, he fell a little short.  Paula called him the whole package.  Simon called it pompous (snicker) and said he didn’t like Cookie’s white jacket.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Me either!!!  He said you have to be original, you have to pick the right song, and you have to be memorable.  Not good.  Uh oh….Cookie might be in trouble.

Irish Carly sings right after Cookie and she picked ‘The Show Must Go On’ by Queen.  Oh boy.  Thunder got away with this….but I’m not sure if she can pull it off.  And I can’t get that scene from Moulin Rouge out of my head….I like this song a lot, but she is kind of pitchy.  I don’t think she sounded that great, honestly.  Randy said it started off good, which I guess means it didn’t finish that way.  He said the high notes were off.  Paula didn’t feel the connection….probably because her head has gone numb because all the circulation has been cut off thanks to that dress.  Simon said you looked good, but you oversang it.  It came across as a very angry performance.  He thinks she might be in trouble.  Oh boy….I think he might be right.

Mickey Mouse is with us after the break.  He looks weird….kind of like a robot.  He is singing ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams.  Pretty song.  Even though this kid totally annoys me…I guess this sounds good.  He’s playing the piano.  Is he losing his voice?  Has it always sounded this weak?  I guess so, huh.  Randy liked it, especially the ending.  Paula said fantastic.  Simon said he had the best choice of song, apparently he loves this song too, he said it was a bit nasally and the ending was better than the beginning.  What is wrong with him?  Mickey, I mean.  He looks totally disturbing right now….like serial killer disturbing.  He’s not smiling and he’s doing his waxworks impression.  Creepy.  Even if you like him, you have to admit that he looked really uncomfortable last night…right.  Anyway, so he’s here next week, no doubt.

Snow White is closing the show tonight.  She annoys me too.  But I guess they all end up annoying me in the end….you know….cause I hate people so much.  She’s singing Carol King’s ‘You’ve Got A Friend in Me’.  That’s sweet.  And she’s sweet.  And everyone is sweet who likes her.  I want to beat my head into a brick wall.  Some other guy is playing the piano this week…Brookie is taking a break.  She’s got her 70’s outfit on and the hairstyle to match.  She sounds a little off to me….and I personally don’t like this song very much anyway….so……….thumbs down.  She of course thanks the audience after she gets done with her performance and now let’s hear what she has to say to the judges.  Maybe that’s why I don’t like her that much….she’s too chatty with everyone.  Just shut up, already!!  Randy said it was ok.  Paula likes the song, and she says Brookie is definitive.  <pause>  Of what, I have no idea.  Thanks Paula.  Simon said it was nice, like a pleasant walk in the park.  And just when we all thought it had more to say….he didn’t.  So he says, thank you.  HAHAHAHAHA…that was weirdly awkward in a funny way.

I can honestly say I have no idea who this week’s biggest loser is going to be.  The kiddies have turned me upside down.  I was not particularly inspired by tonight.  And I don’t think anyone really did an amazing performance.  So we’ll see….no disappointments this week, I think it could be anyone.

Later gators,

Heather

 

p.s. We’re Red this week in tribute to the amazing Washington Capitals getting into the playoffs.  First game against the Flyers is this Friday!!

 

 

The Capitals won last night against the Tampa Bay Lightning.  Alexander (the Eight) Ovechkin got goals 64 and 65, setting an NHL record for left wingers.  I hope you are all watching hockey right now, because this team is something special.  Last night’s win was number six in a row for the Caps, the longest win streak for this team in eight years.  They’ve won nine of the last ten games and they are now in the top eight of the Eastern Conference, but we only have one game left and Carolina, our competition for the last playoff spot, has two games left. 

 

 

We were in dead last place when our previous coach Glen Hanlon was fired at the end of November.  By the halfway point of the season, the Caps were 14^th out of 15 teams in the eastern conference.  No team has ever come from that position to make the playoffs.  Our new coach Bruce Boudreau has been a coach in the minor leagues of hockey for 33 years, his entire post-playing career.  He has transformed this team into an aggressive in-your-face hockey machine and the Caps are now not only in contention for the playoffs, but also the Southeast Division title.  And Boudreau is now getting mentioned in discussions about Coach of the Year.

 

And we have a great cast of characters.  A team that has been built from the ground up over the past years, held together by the veterans.  Olaf Kolzig has been the face of this team for so long.  He is an amazing goalie….I hope he stays.  New this year are Koslov, Nylander, and Poti. We got some amazing help at the trade this year, picking up Sergei Federov, Matt Cooke and probably most importantly Cristobal Huet.  It is a team and the team has played well….but how can I not talk about the greatest player in the league right now?  Alexander Ovechkin.  Alexander the Great.  #8.  He’s 6’2”, 217 pounds, 22 years old from Moscow.  He doesn’t speak English very well….still…..but his career with the Caps has been a highlight reel.  He has made ‘Sportscenter’ goals time and again.   He “dribbled” the puck on his stick, threw it in the air, spun around and hit it at the goal during the Skills Challenge this year.  Kind of like Tiger Woods in that commercial...except wearing hockey skates standing on the ice.  He has 65 goals and 112 points.  He has a plus/minus of 28.  He should win MVP of the NHL this year, that’s the Hart trophy.  He has made 27% of the goals for the Caps.  By himself.  He will win the Maurice Richard trophy (first player to 50 goals) and the Art Ross trophy (for most points).  He is completely amazing. 

 

He is completely infectious with his excitement and passion for this game.  He slams into the glass after every goal, jumping up and down….whether he made the goal or not it seems like.   And we all jump with him.  This league needs the Caps to make it to the playoffs.  This town needs it too, this town….that didn’t know boarding when they saw it….is now an arena full of puckheads decked out in red, screaming and chanting at the top of their lungs.  Let’s Go Caps!!  It would be really nice if this town cared about hockey again.  It is by far and away the best sport to watch live, it is one of the most exciting, fast-paced sports out there.  It’s an exciting time to be a fan.  Even if you haven’t watched a single game all season, watch on Saturday.  Their last game, and last chance to make the playoffs….and you could see something very special. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s Survivor time people.  Finally….it feels like forever since this show has been on.  CSI is new again tonight for the first time in months, back from the strike.  And, of course, the Capitals are playing a must-win game against the Lightning.  But this is all about Survivor, let’s stay focused.  The Scooper is counting his lucky stars for still being on the island after Boob the Builder got the boot during the last show.  Scooper is actually starting to annoy me with all his frantic and panicky whining.  Yes, you’re the last fan on Malarkey.  Yes, you will probably be going him.  Just get over it already.  The Oz Man is finally starting to wake up and smell the coffee after hearing Boob’s comments about him being the leader.  You have a HUGE target on your head, Ozzie.  It’s time you started to realized that.  I don’t think he has any idea how close he came to getting the boot.  Ami and Cerie go crab hunting in the morning and it’s all a little vicious as Ami goes after some particularly mammoth sized crabs.  But they’re eating well, at least. 

 

Ozzie is still complaining about being called the leader to Ami after the crabfest, and she assures him over and over and over again that he shouldn’t worry about it.  We’re all with you!!  You’re safe!!  No one is gunning for you!!  Awwww, Ami.  I wish he believed you, but he really doesn’t.  Over at the Airheads camp, everybody is hungry and sick of eating coconuts.  So Jason kills a rat.  Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Cutey Pie wishes he was on the other beach, and Havarti totally agrees.  Then she decides to try to get one of the fans into an alliance with them so they can be sure they make it to the merge.  So off she goes and talks to Natalie.  Who the hell is Natalie?  Has she been here the whole time?  Ok.  So Havarti is pitching an all-girl final with her, Natalie, some person named Alexis and Amanda.  She says once we merge, we will need to get rid of James and Ozzie immediately.  So I guess she and Cutey Pie aren’t as close as everyone may think. 

 

So it’s time for the Challenge.  The Challenge.  Only one tonight and it’s kind of a combination reward/immunity.  Each tribe has to pick someone from the other team to go to Exile Island.  Whoever they pick will have automatic individual immunity at tonight’s tribal council only.  The other team members have to run this obstacle course thing to get five flags for their team while the opposing people are throwing bags at them.  Whoever wins gets pizza and beer and no tribal council.  So Malarkey picks Alexis and the Airheads pick Ozzie to go to Exile.  And the game is on.  Scooper is trying his damnedest to get through this course faster than Jason.  No one throwing a bag has any luck at ALL knocking people off the course.  It was basically a foot race.  The girls running the course are really bad at….but Fair Lady manages to get one flag.  And then Amanda finally gets one too.  But the real race is between Scooper and Jason.  They’re down to the wire, until Scooper makes a leap at one the platforms, misses, and goes full force into his chest on this wood plank.  Oh good grief, that looked like it really really hurt.  Like broken ribs hurt.  OUCH!!  So in the end the Airheads win.  Again.  The tiny Malarkey tribe is about to get one smaller, but at least it won’t be Ozzie. 

 

So Jason is relieved that he did so well, apparently he felt like he was likely to go home if he didn’t.  Havarti thinks both he and Fair Lady were vulnerable and so they helped each other out by doing so well in the challenges.  Here comes the pizza and beer and garlic bread.  The Airheads are practically crying they’re so happy.  I have a feeling all those carbs are going play nasty tricks on their stomachs though.  Oh well, enjoy it while you can.  Live in the moment.  There may be no tomorrow.  Here’s a funny thing though.  No bottle opener for the bottled beer.  That’s genius…..give these poor starving people beer they can’t even drink.  Don’t worry, luckily they have Cutey Pie with them who just bites the caps off with his teeth, Jason tried but couldn’t do it.  Then of course the Hubby felt it necessary to show me how to do it properly without breaking your teeth.  Great, I’m sure that will come in handy someday.

 

On Exile, Ozzie is pretending like he never found the idol so he can check around with Natalie to see if someone else picked up the fake idol.  And whaddya know?  He’s just giddy, very pleased with himself for tricking someone, and we did hear Jason make a comment during the show that clearly indicates he still thinks that idol is genuine.  Brilliant.  Back at Malarkey, and the Scooper has to try something to keep himself around so he decides to tell all to Blurry Butt and Cirie.  Specifically he is telling them about how Ami has been plotting with the fans since the first day the fans came over to this camp.  Blurry Butt and Cirie do look surprised, particularly Cirie who doesn’t seem to like Ami at all.  I don’t think he really convinced them though…and then Ami wanders onto the beach and Scooper is like I told them everything.  Oh crap.  Think fast Ami, so she is like, well he’ll say anything at this point.  And then the girls have a nice big group hug and bonding experience.  And THEN, Ami decides to “thank” Scooper for bringing them all closer together.  Just like a woman…..very passive.  Scooper realizes he needs the Oz Man to hear his case before his fate can be sealed, so he waits for him to return from Exile. 

 

So as soon as Ozzie steps off the boat, Scooper is in his face telling him everything and vowing to be loyal.  And then he says the magic words – “She was scheming to have you voted out.”  You can almost see the gleam in Ozzie’s eyes.  He tells Anonymous Camera Guy that once someone comes gunning for him, that’s it.  They’re gone.  He tells Blurry Butt that Ami needs to go, and I know Cirie will agree with him, but Blurry doesn’t seem to be buying it.  Tonight we are going to find out who the real leader of this team is, I think.

 

Now at tribal council and Jeffy poo is like, Cirie, why are guys such losers?  And she has no idea.  And then he goes to Scooper, must feel like you’re outnumbered here.  And he’s like, yeah pretty much.  Ozzie then explains that it has basically been Fans versus Favorites, but at some point people who think they are low on the pecking order of an alliance will side with the Fans to gain some ground.  And Ami totally loses it, starts crying and whining about how she knows he’s talking about her and she finally felt like she belonged to the tribe and now he’s saying he doesn’t trust her.  It’s kind of pathetic, I don’t think Ozzie is buying it for a second, but he may just want to vent out his frustrations at this point, she may still be safe.  Cirie tells Jeffy poo that she’s going with her gut.  Blurry Butt and Oz Man both say that they really want to believe Ami, butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt….hmmmm…now I’m not so sure.  Anyway, it’s time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  One vote for Ami, and one for Erik, and the rest?  For AMI!!!  Congratulations Scooper, you just defied the odds.  The merge has to be coming up soon, right?  They are only four fans left and six favorites.  That’s 10….isn’t that when they usually merge?  Oh well, I guess we’ll see.  Until next week….

 

Later gators,

Heather

Another week, another chance to crush some young kid’s dreams into oblivion.  The DVR seems to have started late this week….or the show started early….what the hell is going on?  The kiddies are already out on stage singing?!?!?!  So after I restart the show 8 times to make sure it really did screw up, I decide to actually listen to the song because I’m already irked anyway….this can’t possibly make it any worse.  Right?  They’re singing Nine to Five….and you know what?  This may be the first week, ever, that this group song hasn’t been a total disaster.  Congratulations kiddies for not making me fast forward through it.  I can’t believe I missed the beginning. This is really irritating.  So anyway, here is Ryan in yet another black suit.  This one looks nicer than the one from last night though…less shiny.  The votes are in!  And we all know how this works now, so let’s get to it.

 

The Thunder is up first…dim the lights and here we go.  Whenever Seacrest stalls, you know they’re safe.  And Thunder is, go sit on the couch.  Mickey Mouse is on the chop now.  Ryan asks if the song was emotional for him…and he says, uh yeah.  You know what, between this kid and Dreadilocks….we have an excellent case for teaching more public speaking in our education system.  So according to Ryan, America was moved by Mickey too, he is in the top eight (eighters).  Irish Carly is up next and Ryan goes, well, you are no stranger to the bottom three and she is the third person on the stage and the other two are safe….but then Ryan pulls a fast one and tells her to sit on the couch because she is safe.  You jackass Ryan. 

 

We’re back and it’s phone call time.  <shaking my head>  First question is for Syesha, what do you miss most about your home life?  Her friends and family.  What a boring answer….you gotta come up with something better than that Syesha.  I would say I miss the carny folk and my mushroom garden.  Then people would be talking about me for weeks.  Next question is for Captain Cook – if you could make a living with any other talent, what would it be and why?  And he says, get this, I need to be more organized.  I’m such a slob.  Listen, first of all, being organized isn’t a talent and second, you can’t make a living at not being a slob unless you have one of those shows on HGTV or Lifetime or whatever they are.  Does he ever listen to anything when he’s up there?  Cookie, you’re already safe, take a deep breath and say something that isn’t completely moronic.  I would like to make a living writing this blog for forty-five minutes every day….see?  That’s how easy that is….it’s a hypothetical question David.  <shaking my head>  Next question is for Randy, is there anyone you haven’t worked with?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now that’s funny.  You know because he’s always telling us everyone he has worked with.  So he says, you know I’d like to do a song with whoever wins American Idol.  <pause>  I hope you all understand now why I hate this segment.  Such canned answers.  Me personally, I would like to “work” with Daniel Craig on the next Bond film.  They didn’t ask you who you haven’t sang with!  I would like to be a Bond girl.  That would be awesome, especially considering Mr. Craig is so easy on the eyes.  <sigh>  Anyway, next question is for Thunder or Cookie, do you have a song in mind that you would like to sing for the tour?  Cookie naturally wasn’t listening to the question and so he tells Thunder to answer, and he says well we wanted to do a duet, maybe Islands in the Stream and Cookie goes, you’re singing Dolly’s part.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  See?  See how easy it is to be entertaining?  Last question is for Simon, and it is definitely by far and away the best question – Why do you feel it necessary to apologize after you give a negative review?  And Simon has this quirky smile on his face, and he goes, I like you!  You’re absolutely right, I will never say I’m sorry again.  Nice. 

 

And because they insist on making these vote-off shows an hour long, now we have our first performance of the night.  From the show The Next Great American Band, here are the Clark Brothers singing This Little Light of Mine.  This is more redneck rock, than country….but that’s not really what’s important right now….what I really need to tell you is holy &^%^$% these kids were good.  I LOVED that!!  What in the world were those instruments they were playing?  Ridiculously good.  Wish I’d watched that show…..

 

And here it is, our experiment in torture, this week’s Ford commercial.  To ‘It’s Tricky’, an homage to basketball month I guess.  The kiddies are playing, refereeing, and cheering…it’s really dumb but I can at least say this will probably not give me nightmares….

 

Back to the show and the chop.  Captain Cookie is up now.  Apparently he has high blood pressure and was taken to the hospital and he says, it’s no big deal, I’m fine.  Alright so don’t drag this out Ryan….you could give him an aneurysm.  He is safe, but then he already knew that.  Malibu creeps out on stage next and she is in the bottom three and she makes sure that she looks as sad as possible when Ryan gives her the news.  Well good.  That’s something.  Now it’s Horsey’s turn.  She comes out with a little label for her chair over on the bottom three side of the stage….wow, she’s awfully pessimistic isn’t she?  And then she says, I’d rather be in the bottom three than not here at all.  <pause>  Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  We know you suck, you know you suck….there’s only so much votefortheworst.com can do for you honey, especially when you not singing about America.  Horsey is in the bottom three.  <smile>

 

Now we get a little video tour of Nashville, sticking with the country theme and American Idol tracked down some ex-Idolers in and around that area so we can catch up and find out how the show has made their lives great and extraordinary.  Bucky Covington apparently lives in Nashville now, and that should surprise no one.  He is country if ever a man was country.  He was from Season 5 and I referred to him as Bullwinkle (twin brother named Rocky, totally not kidding).  He seems to be doing pretty well, maybe not living the high life but he’s got albums out so that’s something.  And here is Phil Stacey or Stacy, I don’t know how to spell his name.  He’s from Season 6 and I referred to him as Moby because he’s bald.  He was notorious for using his baby to manipulate votes out of people <evil grin> which I totally respected him for.  He looks genuinely happy…and seems to be touring a lot so good for him.  And the last reunion we get is with Bogart (Bo Bice) from Season 4.  He, I would guess, has been the most successful of them all because he is actually a really talented singer.  They didn’t really talk too much about what he’s been up to, but he’s released two albums, been on about a thousand television shows.  CMT aired a special about him, kind of a day in the life of, following him around for like a year or something.  Best quote from the special – “You can put a penguin in a mink coat, but it’s still a <bleepin> penguin.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  He has a son, who appears to be the highlight of his life and he has had about a million surgeries to correct some kind of intestinal problem.  I always liked him, glad to see he’s doing well.

 

Back to our show and Syesha is on the chop now.  She is safe, oh good.  So we’re down to Dreadilocks and Snow White.  Brookie tells Simon that he should apologize to the violin player that he insulted last night (smile) and he DOES!!  He says sorry to Brookie, to Carly, to the audience, to Paula and just keeps saying it.  <chuckle>  Awwwww….you know he doesn’t mean any of that.  So anyway, Dreads is safe and Brookie in the bottom three but here’s the weird thing about this show….she doesn’t get to sit in the Loser Stools……and as I think about it……..nobody ever sits in the third Loser Stool.  So why’s it there?  That’s annoying.  Simon thinks America got it absolutely right.  Wow Malibu is really tiny….isn’t she.  She’s like three feet tall.  And here’s another Idol Gives Back promo, which is next Wednesday in case you don’t have it marked on your calendars….like I do.

 

We’re back from the break and now it’s time for the next live performance tonight – Miss Dolly Parton singing ‘Jesus and Gravity’….wow there’s a lot of Jesus in this show this week.  I mean I know it’s country and all and I’m not a devil worshipper or anything…..but whatever happened to separation of church and American Idol?  What happened to that amendment?  I think I’m gonna write my congressman.  So anyway, Dolly looks great.  It’s a really weird song though.  And she kind of sounds off…her voice is quavering….but she is in her 60’s for crying out loud.  So she chats it up with Ryan after the performance and assures Simon he can still come to Dollyworld, which is cute. 

 

So who do the judges think are going home tonight?  Randy thinks it’s Malibu.  Simon says it’s not Brookie….and poor Brookie is crying her little eyes out.  Apparently the vote and Idol Gives Back and then Dolly singing were all too much for our little angel.  She’s looooooooooooooooooosing it!!  But she’s safe, so go cry on the couch Brookie.  And pull yourself together.  So Ryan tries to get to the point as quickly as possible – Horsey is safe….yet again, and Malibu is going home.  <shaking my head>  I think Horsey may be setting a record for being in the Bottom Two and not going home.  Now Malibu Barbie is crying her little eyes…..hang on…..are they really gonna make her sing?!?!?  She’s a mess!?!?!?  Seacrest says thanks to everyone, and then screams at Malibu NOW SING DAMN YOU SING!!!  <evil grin>  Poor thing…and as much as I just assumed that she would sound dreadful…..she actually sounded amazing.  All that emotion in her voice, and the huskiness from being choked up….made the song beautiful.  Babye Malubay….at least you get to go see your pal Danny now.  OOOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s the top nine people.  Seacrest will probably be calling them niners….right?  And here is Ryan, our lovable host, in his shiny slick black suit.  He’s talking about how the show has been preempted by some celebrity edition of Moment of Truth.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  I’ve been hearing April Fool’s jokes all day, you can’t trick me Ryan.  And here are our lovable judges – Randy in his grey v-neck sweater, Paula in her flowerdy dress and Simon in the stalwart black.  Very nice.  Dolly Parton is the ‘mentor’ this week.  Being a mentor seems to mean that all the kiddies have to sing your songs, to you first, and then you get to say nice things about them and celebrate how wonderful you are at what you do.  Dolly Parton is obviously a country icon, she’s been around forever, and because I was curious I found out that she’s 62.  That’s unbelievable.  I know she’s not quite the way God made her anymore….but come on.  Even you cynical self-righteous people have to admit that she looks fantastic.  So anyway, we only have an hour tonight.  The Caps are playing….but you already knew that….and it’s a very important game against Carolina.  So let’s get to it.

 

First up is Snow White (coincidentally, her Caps hockey counterpart Brooks Laich which is pronounced Like, scored tonight in the first period).  She is singing ‘Jolene’ and she’s playing her guitar.  I have a feeling we’re going to see a lot of guitar playing tonight.  There’s an honesty about Brooky that Dolly likes.  How nice.  She is just as sugar sweet as Paula, isn’t she?  So the whole set up on stage is kind of cool, with the little band trio out there with Brooky, the audience is clapping, and it’s a cool song.  I think she sounded really good.  Randy said it was a little pitchy, she rushed the music in parts, it was alright.  Paula said you’re consistent (which if you suck isn’t necessarily a good thing) and you are who you are.  <shaking my head>  Simon thought it was lacking emotion, and everything looked odd together and then he insulted the violin player.  He was trying to say it wasn’t one of her best performances….but everyone was talking over him.  Oh goodie….chaos already.  Ryan speed talks through the numbers, tosses Brooky off the stage and we’re off to commercial.

 

Captain Cook is second to sing tonight.  He talks about all his ‘versions’ of the songs he sings and gives proper credit….again….to all the bands he copied.  I think the lawyers are making him do this.  Very interesting.  He is singing ‘Little Sparrow’, to his own arrangement.  Huh.  So you can copy people very successfully, let’s see if you can do something creative on your own.  Dolly thought he was secure in himself, which is a nice way of saying he’s smug.  And she thought his voice was beautiful.  He’s playing the guitar too.  And it’s really pretty, he took every little bit of country out of that song.  But I liked it.  Randy likes his range, said it was a cool arrangement and thinks he’s hot.  Paula likes his haircut <come ON> and she’s never heard a guy sing that song before.  Nice.  Nice constructive criticism Paula.  Simon thinks it was not as good as last week, but you made a song about sparrows interesting.  Congratulations.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Very good point, I think.

 

Mini-Julie is singing third and Dolly immediately connects with because she’s one of the Little People too.  All of you out there who are not vertically challenged may not know this, but we little folk stick together.  It’s an unwritten, unspoken rule.  Anyway, she’s completely star-struck with Dolly and acting like an idiot.  I didn’t catch the name of the song she’s singing….but she’s bopping right along to it.  Kind of boring, she’s a little off, but she really shouldn’t be here anyway.  Randy said he wasn’t jumping up and down, but he wasn’t mad either.  Ok.  He gives it a 6.5 out of 10.  Paula says she’s proud.  Oh whatever.  Simon says we’re not gonna remember this in 10 years, are we?  More like ten minutes, Simon.  Everybody starts getting rowdy again, and he goes, look you sang it quite well, it was just forgettable.  Ryan says ieuhrfiehiurehihkjnkfn.knknk which was the phone number and disclaimers flying out of his mouth at lightening speed and then he throws Mini right into the audience to get the show moving along.

 

Dreadilocks is singing now and apparently he gets a lot of fan mail.  I don’t think this should surprise anyone with the baby blues this kid has, but Ryan read out loud some postcards from Colorado.  We really don’t have time for this Ryan.   He’s singing ‘Travelin’ Through’ and he’s playing the guitar too.  Why is everything green?  I’m not kidding, the entire stage is awash in this eerie green light.  He kind of reminds me of those kids in Hanson….you remember that band?  Anyway, it was a really nice song, really pretty.  Randy said by the middle it was pretty good.  Paula said it was one of your strongest performances (doesn’t she say that every week?).  Simon didn’t like it, he said it didn’t suit you, you didn’t sing it well….and then he mentioned something about losing his season passes to Dollyworld.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh Simon.  You joker. 

 

Irish Carly is singing for us now and Dolly thinks she ‘killed’ the song….but in a good way, probably not the way it sounds reading this.  She is singing ‘Here You Come Again’.  Is there an echo in the auditorium tonight?  I’ve been hearing it….thinking it was me, but then the Hubby mentioned it too.  You can really hear it with Carly because she is belting this song out at the top of her lungs.  She doesn’t even need that mic, this is so loud.  She has a good voice, but you know...I didn’t like this.  Randy said that will probably be one of the better performances of the night.  Paula said that was glorious and you’re beautiful.  Simon said it was ok, but you need to look more like a star.  Have a chat with the people who are dressing you.  Ouch.  I hope she’s not dressing herself.  Paula gets in a real huff over this and Ryan takes it upon himself to ask Simon what his problem is, ‘So you’re giving fashion advice?’  Simon tries to explain that he is simply commenting on what the audience is probably thinking.  Wow….I didn’t even notice what she was wearing….but whatever  And then he said it was not a 'blow you out of your seat' performance.  He really does look genuinely irritated now though.

 

The Caps are up 3 to 1 against Carolina, it’s the third period.  We really need to beat them, if we beat them we’re tied for first in the Southeast division.  A lot of penalties in this game too….jeez.  So singing for us now is Mickey Mouse.  He picked ‘Smoky Mountain Memories’ and Dolly was very moved by his emotion.  The breathy voice and dorkiness have entirely lost their charm for me though.  This kid is really starting to get annoying.  Dolly loved his voice, yeah so do we.  There’s that echo again….what is going on here?  Pretty song.  Lots of Jesus.  It sounded a little off to me.  I didn’t like it too much….but maybe I just don’t like him anymore….who knows.  Randy thinks he’s back though.  Whatever.  Paula tells him he has a beautiful aura.  Oh nice.  Simon said, I know I questioned your song choice last week, but that was right on the money.  Daddy dearest must have threatened him or something.  Seacrest speed talks through the numbers tells us to wait to download Ford, drink iTunes, put Coke into our cars, and drive Exxon Mobil gas to work, pushes Mickey into the screaming fans and we’re moving on.

 

The Horse Whisperer is up now and I have a feeling she is going to be really good this week.  Country is this girl’s thing.  No question.  She picked ‘The Coat of Many Colors’.  Dolly said she made it her own and her mom is gonna be proud.  I’m not sure if that was a ringing endorsement or not….but she made it sound nice.  The music is fast again….almost too fast.  She has a weird dress on, she's barefoot and she’s sitting.  For a fast song.  This is weird.  I’m totally distracted by all this stuff and am not really listening to her sing…..but I don’t think it was that good.  She should have picked another song about America.  Man….I thought she would be great.  I really did.  Randy says country is your wheelhouse.  Paula said you’re beautiful.  Simon says it was pleasant but forgettable.  And while Seacrest is blubbering through the numbers, Horsey gives Simon a nice big sarcastic Love you!  Very cute, show some spunk.  That might be enough to edge yourself over Ramielle this week.

 

Vanna White is in the audience.  We stopped watching Wheel of Fortune a while ago because the Hubby is ridiculously great at that game.  There would be like one letter on the board and he would blurt out the answer.  I never had a chance….and I’m way too competitive to allow myself to lose consistently.  So we don’t watch it anymore.  Period.

 

Syesha is singing next and she picked ‘I Will Always Love You’.  She is already emotional about the song in her pre-song blurb.  I didn’t know Dolly wrote this song…..because we all know it as a Whitney song.  Nice piano playing along with the song…..but honestly…..we’ve already heard the perfect version.  We really have.  How do you do better than perfect?  That’s right, gentle reader, you don’t.  She does have some lungs, and it was very pretty….but I don’t know.  Randy said it was pretty good, but feels like I do about the whole Whitney thing.  Paula says you look pretty, you have a velvety voice and you connect with the audience.  Simon said it was a good version, but it paled in comparison.  He’s not sure that did her any favors….and I tend to agree.  Ryan is running out on stage and pulling Syesha off as he screams out her numbers and tells us not to vote before the end of the show.

 

Last for tonight is the Thunder.  He seems to be getting better lately, so this is a good sign that they put him in the last spot.  He’s nervous in front of Dolly, which is kind of cute….he’s a genuine fan.  Dolly likes his voice and says I could write some good songs for him.  <smile>  That’s sweet.  He’s singing ‘It’s All Right’ or something like that and he’s got this bluesy slant on it that’s really nice.  He just keeps getting better and better and the end was completely awesome.  Randy said it was blazin hot.  Paula said he’s a blues, soul star and you look gorgeous.  Simon said this is the best I have heard you sound.  Nice.  Good for him….I was waiting for this.

 

So this week’s biggest loser award goes to Ramielle with Kristy Lee following in a close second.  If Malibu doesn’t go home this week….I will be stunned.  They show was running late as it was, so I don’t even know if Ryan said anything at the end.  The Caps won, with Alex (the Eight) Ovechkin getting his 63rd goal of the season, a great goal by the way, in the third period.  We have two more games to play that we have to win. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

p.s. '49er' derives from 1849, the year of the California Gold Rush and is a term that describes the gold prospesctors.