The kiddies are standing center stage. Seacrest welcomes us all back, thanks for showing up, says Ryan. Seacrest reminds us that people are actually still watching this show…oh good. So its not just me. The Kodak is filled with celebs tonight - Teri Hatcher, Foxworthy, etc etc. Introduce the judges Ryan. Randy has another weird jacket on, Paula has her boobs on display and I think Simon is wearing the same outfit he had on last night.

So first up for the night is both of our finalists singing together. This is kind of cute. She’s like three feet taller than Blake. Blake is such a better dancer than everyone else. You know what…why couldn’t they have sung this last night? Maybe I wouldn’t hate the show so much. Gwenny is on tour and she is singing…sort of live….she’s got a really weird outfit. Maybe Bjork had her swan suit at the cleaners. It’s like a poofy pink cotton candy outfit.

Flashback time. Nevermind Taylor. Here’s our favorite American Idol - Kelly. This has a very creepy Alanis Morrisette feel to it….I think some boy really pissed off our Kelly. Such a mean song. My my….I LOVE IT!!! Wow. I think she’s over you dude. It would have been really funny if they judged her.

The Second Annual Golden Idol awards. First award is for ‘Most Eccentric’. Our first contestant is Panther Man, then Psycho Girl, then Big Bird. The loser…I mean winner…is Big Bird. Fantastic and she’s got the yellow hair to go with her stupid outfit and now she completely accosts Seacrest. Ok…enough of that….she says Thanks to all her fans. What? Fans? She’s reading a poem, but it doesn’t rhyme….and this is uncomfortable. Get her off the stage now please.

Now the top 6 guys are singing. Oh look who it is….that’s right kids….San Ja Ya. I think the boys need some more practice before the tour starts. Oh good, here’s a real singer. Mr. Smokey Robinson. How old is he? Lord, please give me the same alien injections so I stay forever young too. And the boys sound much better as back-up singers. I wonder if he’s going on tour with them…I might actually go to it then.

Blake is singing now with Doug E Fresh and Barry B. Because he didn’t get to beat box in the final song last night, so here’s his chance. Yeah, he’s really really good at this. I think he might be a little better than Mr. Doug E. Wow. Well….if he didn’t have a contract before…he has one now.

Now its time for another Golden Idol award ‘Most Original Vocal’ - Buggy Eyes Psycho Guy, and here’s the Invisible Ear Piece Girl, and Breaking the Sound Barrier Guy. And the loser….I mean winner is…..Sound Barrier Guy Sholandric. So he sings without a microphone and you really can hear him….but I am betting the acoustics in the Kodak are pretty good. Why would you ever come to one of these? For the statue of course….that’s fantastic eBay fodder right there.

Now the top six girls are singing. Well, at least we know there’s at least one of these girls who can sing. And here’s Miss Gladys Knight. Hmmmm….is that why Melinda didn’t sing that first part….this is great though. Melinda is singing with her now….definitely the only one that can keep up. Oh sorry, Lakisha is doing pretty good too. Those three should go on tour. Gladys sounds fabulous. Now tell me something. Could Jordin have stood up there and belted it out? I'm guessing not.

Oogey Constantine Moralis is in the audience. Yuck. So, Tony Bennett is singing now. I really really like him. I am such a huge crooner fan. How old is he? Singing must keep your soul young, because these cats are looking pretty good. Classic. And the best part - Tony singing however fast he damn well pleased and that piano player just keeping up. Classic.

Golden Idol award for Best Buddies - It’s Humpty Dumpty and Lemur Boy, the Bitchy Beach Girls (Antonella and some other girl….yes the Hubby did actually look at the TV for that one), and Seacrest and Simon. Secarest goes ‘Good Luck buddy’ and Simon definitely without a doubt mouthed ass****. So Humpty Dumpty and Lemur Boy win the prize. Awesome. Lemur Boy thanks Simon for making him a star. Oh the irony. They show a picture of a bush baby so everyone knows that wasn't some kind of racial slur. So AI sponsored one of these cute little wide-eyed monkey at the local zoo for Lemur Boy. That’s so funny.

Melinda is singing now. She sounds fantastic. BeBe and CeCe Winans, who she used to sing back-up for and now she’s siging with them. That’s pretty cool, huh. She’s come into her own, people. No more back-up singing for this chica. That was fun.

The Hubby is enjoying watching this show. Probably because the Idolettes are not singing very much in it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the last Ford commercial - Time After Time. A montage of all the past commercials. Hmmmmm….so the finalists are back and whaddya know, they get some Ford Mustangs and Blake goes….YAAAAAAAA I LIKE THAT and in his best Borat accent. NYYYYYYYYYYCE!!!  And he's got a sense of humor too!

And now Carrie Underwood is singing I’ll Stand By You. She’s great too. Not Kelly, but really the only other Idol winner who has made anything of herself. And we’re not counting Clay or my mysterious cool rocker dude. Clive Davis is here to make some sort of announcement. He’s telling us about AI successes and he whaddya know - he’s talking about my mysterious cool rocker dude. Chris Daughtry who is still in the top ten after six months. SIX MONTHS. Two top singles. Yeah….he’s amazing. I have that CD if anyone wants to borrow it….so Clive is giving an award to Carrie for songwriting. That’s nice.

The African Children’s Choir is here again. Oh geez. Don’t make me cry again. So adorable. Holy cow, I don’t think I have ever had that much energy. Those kids must have burned like 4,000 calories singing that song.

Now they’re doing a crazy funny promo of Sanjaya with the movie trailer voiceover guy. He’s singing with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. This is hysterical. He still sucks. And it doesn’t matter how much Perry plays the strings off that guitar…it still sounds terrible. But the Hubby is on his feet cheering. This is ridiculous. Are they trying to make him look…..sexy? <chuckle chuckle> They have the air blowing his hair up….well he’s certainly no Steven Tyler. But people seem to love him.

Green Day is singing now. Here is the best live band ever kids. I love this band. They can actually sing. Awesome awesome awesome. Nice political song. Stop the killing in Darfur. This totally kicks ass….come on Billy Jo, I know you’re not wearing that guitar for nothing….love it.

And now, after the break, with no introduction at all. This. Is. Taylor Hicks. Mr. Grey Haired Guy himself. Doing his freaky dance thing. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Such a fun singer. Well….I am glad he hasn’t faded into the wood work. This is pretty good, but not really that marketable. I understand now. He sounds good though. And there’s the harmonica. Nice. He even added in a little head bop in the end. HAHAHAHA, fun stuff.

More outstanding music now. How about this. Jordin is singing with none other than Ruben. Hahahaha…wasn’t I just saying that I never heard from these kids again. Wow, this is good. Ruben sounds great. Still a big teddy bear. He’s had some voice coaching I think. He sounds really really fabulous. He looks pretty dapper too. You know what would have been fantastic - him and Melinda! He sounds a little bit better than Jordin though….

So we’re back with Bette Midler…..wha wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? The Wind Beneath My Wings. She’s got a cute leather skirt on. HAHAHAHA. That’s awesome. This is kind of flat, but you know what? It’s Bette and she can pretty much get away with anything….Randy is dancing with Paula. Awwwwwwwwwwwww….that’s sweet. I think she made Jerry Springer cry….like Hasselhoff? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

And now an American Idol tribute to Sergeant Pepper and here it is kids - Kelly and Joe Perry. Whooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeee….More KELLY!!! The Hubby suggested they replace American Idol with the Kelly Clarkson variety show. HAHAHAHA. That was awesome. And now Taylor Hicks. Ummmm….not that I have anything against Taylor, but it’s like 9:55.…shouldn’t we be finding out who the winner is? Ok….now its Carrie…..wow, look at me caring about who wins. Shhhhhhhhhhhh….don’t tell anyone. And now Ruben. And now all the Idolettes are singing….and it’s 10 o’ clock people….what the hell. TELL ME WHO WON!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And now finally. Its’ time. Seacrest, Blake, Jordin, and the Anonymous Accountant are on stage. Randy thinks its gonna be Jordin. Paula is proud of both of them. 74 million voted and the winner is - Jordin. And everybody acts soooooooooooooooooooooooo surprised. Come on. We all knew it already. Pull it together Jordin, you have to sing. That crappy song they wrote for you….which you sing so well.

So that’s it gators. That’s the season. The Hubby pointed out that if every show was like tonight…he may have actually watched a few without complaining vociferously. Awww well. Six months until next season starts. Not that I’ll be watching….well….maybe just one show. <wink>

Later gators,

Ok, so nobody has to pretend like they care about this show. Honestly, the only reason I am actually watching tonight and not plagiarizing someone else’s blog, is to see Paula’s broken nose. Seacrest with his usual dramatic intro says This is American Idol. Ryan looks pretty spiffy tonight in the Kodak theater. A battle of the sexes and did he seriously just compare this to Kelly and Justin? Come on Ryan. Randy has a weird uber-military jacket on tonight. Paula definitely has some swelling. Simon has something that shows off his chest hair. Ryan wants to know about Paula’s accident. She says I tripped over my dog, but don’t worry, she’s fine. And Seacrest, ok well, the bitch is ok.

Flashback time. First we get to see Blake from the beginning. They both auditioned in Seattle. Everyone is trying to pretend that either of them deserve to win over Doolittle. Whatever. Get to it already….aren’t they singing three songs tonight? Let’s go already. A tough one to call Ryan? That’s a nice way of saying nobody cares. Blake won the coin toss and asks Jordin if she wants to go first. That was sweet in a sort of stupid way.

Blake is singing Bon Jovi - You Give Love a Bad Name. He’s nervous….you can tell. But it’s pretty much exactly the way he sang it last time. And oh the irony, if the kid who wins this singing competition does it by not singing. Hahahahahaha. Randy is trying to get people to shut up so he can talk. He gives him a 10 out of 10 on the beat boxing and the singing was awight. Paula says, you’re crazy….Simon says you’re not the best singer, but you are the best performer.

Jordin is singing now. Cool top, but she always looks pretty. She sounds pretty good, kind of rushed, but that’s the song. A little screamy, but she’s always had that problem. A great job. Randy says you’re a great singer….um….isn’t that what Simon just said Randy? Paula said this is the best finale ever….must be the drugs kicking in. Simon is the one that points out she’s 17 this time and then says she was kind of shrieky in the middle. Round 1 goes to Blake. I agree.

Maroon 5’s She Will Be Loved sung by Blake. Nice choice for him. He’s got a really cute style. Kind of 80’s in a modern way….hahahahaha….um, anyway. He sounds like Bono…kind of. Anyway, it was pretty good. Randy goes check it out, check it out. Great song, very nice vocal. The Spoon is in the audience!! Paula doesn’t make any sense at all. Simon says good, safe, not as good as the first song….it didn’t make much of an impact. Blake says he feels great, the audience is amazing. He says, I’m just having fun. Yeah, he knows Jordin won….and he’s already been offered a contract. The pressure is off.

Jordin is back on and she says, this is my dream. Awwwwww…A Broken Wing is what she picked. Why not pull a McPhee and sing on the floor…I guess that didn’t work too well for her. By the way….didn’t Taylor win last season? Where the hell is he? Another amazing vocal…she totally blows Blake out of the water with her voice. Randy says you are the most talented 17-year-old singer. Paula is losing her voice, she says you’re soaring. Simon says, now that was good. Heehee. Jordin plucks a fan out of the balcony and sets them down on the ground floor because she’s all about the fans.

One more song from Blake. The winners of the song writing competition are introduced. This Is My Now (the winning song) is what Blake is being forced to sing. He’s sitting on part of the set in a very staged way…Hashanah….get it? Staged? Yeah….I know. I could use some of Paula’s drugs. This song kind of sucks. These songs always suck though. Why do they need an original song. Blake is trying to dance around the stage like he’s enjoying himself….but when he sings with the back-up singers he’s very off key, like he can’t harmonize with them…or maybe they are terrible. Maybe they are there to sabotage him….Oh. That was quite painful. Randy says this was not the kind of song that suits you, just awight. Paula says, great job. Simon says it was all a little odd…how did you feel? All the jumping around, kind of weird. Simon says judge you primarily on the first two songs. Or don’t….because Jordin has already been picked. In fact, don’t even bother voting America.

Jordin is back with her last song. Seacrest is signing autographs for the kiddies in the balcony. That’s cute. Jordin’s take on the same song….<sigh>….do we really have to listen to this crap again. Yeah, this song was basically written for her, right? So unfair. If you asked her to beat box, she would have sounded just as bad as Blake did. Of course she sounds amazing…but you already knew that….because she has already been selected. Sorry to be so cynical. I’m terribly terribly sick of this show. I has lost a great deal of credibility this year. Crying always helps Jordin….but this is useless….you have already won, we don’t need the show. Randy says Yo. You were the best singer tonight, you deserve to win. Paula says you have a lot to be proud of…you’re an angel. Simon says, last week I didn’t think you were good enough to make the finals. But now I want to say that I was wrong. Someone taught her how to cry on cue. Ryan pops open an umbrella and reads off her numbers.

I’m voting for Blake. But I shouldn’t vote for anyone. Just out of protest. So stupid. Ryan says, it’s up to you America. Ok. I believe that. Randy says Jordin wins. Paula says everyone is a winner. Simon says best individual performance of the night was Blake and based on singing Jordin wins.

Oh….and look at this….here’s my mysterious cool rocker dude. Nice. What a fantastic surprise....and I was thankfully not thwarted by the stupid Tivo this week and got to see it.  This was clearly the only part of the show that I care about. Sooooooooooooooooooooo cute. And better than either of them…hmmmm….but I guess I can admit…I am slightly biased. <sigh>

So tomorrow is the last show I will probably ever write about. Stay tuned gators.

Later,

So, some of you (ahem, Partybert) have pointed out to me that I could come up with some much better questions for the kiddies than Seacrest reads during the show. So stay tuned. Homer Simpson introduces the show tonight…which was kind of cute. That show has been on forever. Eliot Yamin is singing. Maroon 5 is singing. Whoopee!!! And we get to hear about the AI tour again. I know some of you are definitely are going to that…right? So Haley, is Gina really as much of a B as she seemed during the auditions?

Now Seacrest is interviewing the kiddies about what they did during the week. This is like the Hubby asking me how my day was….here’s what he hears - “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.” So she got to go her home town. And Jordin Godzilla managed to not crush any houses or small buildings while she was walking around. And she managed not to flood everyone out with her huge crocodile tears. So cute. But no joke, that would have been emotional for anyone…..let alone a ridiculously young 17 year old. America voted….but you’ll have to wait because your blood pressure is not dangerously high enough yet…

We’re back and here’s the trivia question of the week - Randy, didn’t you lose some weight last season? What happened to that diet? Just kidding, he asked who was in the finals last season. Are you kidding me? So stupid….<sigh>….Blake has an emotional Papa….oh geez…..emotional dads make me cry like a baby. I can’t handle that kind of nonsense. Blake was in Seattle, I wonder if Skywalker went to see him? I’m betting not. Papa is so proud. All the little teeny boppers are crying their little hearts out. Seacrest pretends like we’re gonna hear if he’s in or not….hahaha…fool me once Ryan. America voted and…..we’ll find out later.

So Eliot is here to sing….his album is called….get this - Eliot Yamin. He’s got Josh Groban hair…heehee….is he really singing? I think he may be lip-synching. So Eliot - is this the best gig you’ve had since you got voted off? This is the first song I have heard of the album….not bad. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he should have won or anything….but not bad. So Seacrest makes him stand up to get judged. I can literally see him panicking…but now he’s giving the kiddies advice. Come on, Eliot. You’re a loser, nobody cares what you think. Babye Eliot, stop thanking people already….The Ford commercial this week literally had absolutely no plot or point that I can get…

So Melinda is up now. Melinda, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life? Stolen something? Cheated on a test? Buried any bodies? I’m betting she’s done something….something really really worth keeping secret. Recap of her songs…and Seacrest read off what everybody said about her. The votes are in and the results are coming up.

Maroon 5 is playing now. I like this guy…he just looks like he’s really cool. He also reminds me of a friend of ours. So that was good. Now tell me who’s in the finals. Come on!!!!!!!!! So Ryan - when exactly do you know what the results are? Do you dress yourself?

Jordin is in the finals. So I guess we know who it’s gonna be right? It’s an all-girl final. That’s cool, right? Have we ever had that? I don’t think so…..Ryan says almost 60 million votes and America has decided…..

Ok. I’m sorry. I have to pull myself together for a minute here. Doolittle is going home. My mysterious cool rocker dude is playing her off the show. My head is spinning. This makes no sense. None. I feel sick to my stomach….I have stepped into the twilight zone. I'm too disgusted right now to rant.  This show is pathetic.  I don't think I'll be watching next season....if there is a next season.

So here’s a question for you gators - does anyone really care who wins?

Later,

The final three are here tonight. They went home this week. Blah blah blah. Hello Seacrest. Still panicking about all the reality TV winding down. By the end of the month, I’m gonna have nothing to talk about it….except myself. Nice tie, Ryan. Say hi to our judges (our three judges)….Randy is wearing a really gross shirt. Simon is wearing his standard grey shirt. Three songs tonight.  Jordin is up first.

Simon picked ‘Wishing On a Star’. She looks cute. I wouldn’t mind if she won. So what was with the weather today? Kind of warm outside for May…right? <sigh> Hey, nobody says I have to like this. So the song was about 45 seconds long because they have NO TIME. Randy says, who’s in it to win it. Paula says, Simon picked a good song for you. Simon says you sang it brilliantly, he says he didn’t like the arrangement. Seacrest reads off the nine hundred numbers you can call to vote for her, and Jordin slings him over her shoulder and walks off the stage.

Blake is up now. Paula picked his song….big surprise. Roxanne. The Police, nice choice. I don’t like the echo they put on his voice, which I didn’t notice until the Hubby pointed it out. The back-up singers sound off-key to me. Save Ferris!! He’s cute, but he shouldn’t win. Randy gives him an ‘A’. Paula thought he was fantastic. Simon says, I’m not going to call it earth-shattering…because it wasn’t.

Doolittle is singing now. Whitney Houston…who he’s worked with before. The Mayor called him Randy Johnson….hahahahaha. Well if anybody can sing this, it’s Doolittle. Kind of boring in the beginning….but wait….we’re just working up to the good part. There’s the shivers I’ve been missing. Nice. I liked it. Randy loved it, naturally. Paula says fantastic. Simon says very very difficult song to sing, your best performance in the last few weeks. Round One to Melinda, according to Simon. Simon asks Seacrest if he’s drunk…humph….we’ve done that bit before Simon. Ryan reads off Melinda’s numbers. And then jokes, time for a cocktail. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good one Ryan.

Jordin is up again. What’s her favorite song…stupid questions….and what does she say? M’Bop by Hanson….never mind. She shouldn’t win. That’s just ridiculous. The Producers picked ‘She Works Hard for The Money’ for her. This sounds fantastic. Cute shoes. Those heels look dangerous, but she’s so graceful all 12’10” of her. Randy liked it. Paula says you worked hard….<sigh>…..that was retarded….and Simon goes, that was hilarious with that typical British sarcasm…..and during all if his comments, which I didn’t pay attention to - Paula is giggling. Heehee. Ryan is shaking his head, he needs to watch this back because he doesn’t know what’s going on….

Blake is up now and here’s another stupid question. If your life was a movie what would it be called and who would play you…who cares….he’s singing Maroon 5, This Life. Good choice to The Producers. This sounds exactly the same…oh wait, so Randy did NOT scare him off beat boxing. Good on ya Blake…do your thing dawg. HAHAHAHAHA. I wish I was drunk….this would probably be a lot more entertaining. Randy thought it was a good fit for him. Paula said….oh whatever. Simon said better than the first song, it didn’t sound like a copy cat performance….um. Ok.

Doolittle is singing tonight. So what’s her question? Who was your idol? Oh come oooooooooooooooon. The Producers picked Ike and Tina Turner…something tells me……yup. This is a GREAT fantastic choice for her. Nutbush City Limits. ???? What? They couldn’t afford a more familiar song? Anyway, it was great. Randy loved it. Paula just smiled a lot. Simon really likes this girl. I think he’ll produce her record even if she doesn’t win. Which would just be ridiculous….

Hurry hurry hurry….we have no TIME!! Jordin is up last - “I Who Have Nothing”. Has she sang this before? This sounds familiar….I mean really familiar….but good idea. Because it sounds pretty friggin wonderful. The place is going crazy. Randy says best performance of the night. Paula says…something that made no sense. I think I may be crazy….but it kind of sounded like Paula called her Loser…..weird. If you have it on tape, play it back. Simon says too old-fashioned. Yeah, maybe. Jordin says, it’s not a sixty year old song. Snap.

Blake is singing now, some Robin Thicke or something…I didn’t catch what the song was. He got to beat box for Sir Mix-A-Lot back home. That is so cool. This is his wheel house….very cool. I think he sounds awesome. Very fun. I bet Paula is dancing. Randy says awwwight. Paula says three great songs after stumbling over a couple other nonsensical things she tried to mutter. Simon says, I liked it. You don’t play it safe. You look like you’re having a blast.

Doolittle is singing last. She had a street named after. That’s kind of cool. I want a street. I’m a Woman. There’s that fun attitude….and what does she do? Goes back and sings with the back-up singers. I wanted that to be a lot longer than it was. W. O. M. A. N. Hot hot hot. Randy says you could sing the phone book. Paula says, you’re stepping out into the spotlight. Simon says, you deserve the finals more than anyone else.

So who’s it gonna be? Who’s in the finals? I’ll tell who I want. Jordin and Doolittle. But honestly, any of them can make, as long as Doolittle is there. Randy says, two girls will make it. Paula says, no comment. Simon says, Melinda. <smile> And that’s why he’s so fabulous.

One more week gators. One more week.

Hang in there,

Hello to everyone hanging in there till the bitter end,

It’s vote off night. Is anyone excited about this? Seacrest is talking about nothing….movie promos, Barry Gibb, Pink…….the judges have changed seats…..well, Simon and Paula switched seats. Is this supposed to be entertaining? Ryan says Simon was brilliant….Simon says, it’s not just about me, this two had something to do with it too. Now, just in case you could not bring yourself to watch last night, they give us the 4 minute recap of last night’s hour long torture-fest. Ryan is doing his “man on the street” interviews with the morons of LA. Seacrest says, you can tell we have an hour to fill tonight. HAHAHA yeah I can.  45 million votes were cast last night….

Now we’re promoting the concert and all the kiddies that will be on it….including Sanjaya. <shaking my head> Pink is singing tonight. Oh sure. Pink….Barry Gibb….Pink….BeeGees….makes sense. I like Pink. She’s fun. Cute outfit. Oh, the Ford commercial of the week…I think I’ve been missing this lately. <sigh> I really have nothing to say about it. Here’s this week’s trivia question - which American Idol went to Africa to sing for the charity event. Well…let’s see….Rubin hasn’t been singing since he won the show…at least not that I have heard….and Bo? I think he may have been a figment of our imagination….it’s obviously Carrie. Come on…that was like two weeks ago.

Now the kiddies are doing a tribute to Barry Gibb…um…isn’t Barry Gibb singing tonight too? So….why not sing something else….I’m just saying…there’s only so much Barry Gibb a person can handle. Doolittle’s microphone wasn’t working at the beginning of the song….I bet that person is fired. This sounds just as bad as last night did.

So now Seacrest is interrogating the kiddies about why they think they screwed up so much last night. Lakisha said she was having a bad day (uh oh...premonition?). We got to see a blip of Simon’s girlfriend..or fiancee…whichever it is…she’s pretty. So the kiddies got to see a sneak peek of the Fantastic Four movie. Jessica Alba is the audience and the Hubby is drooling all over himself. Now we get to hear about them when they were kids….this is kind of cute. Kept my attention for a couple of seconds…ok, now that you’ve opened up your souls and we've made you cry….we will crush one of your dreams forever.

And this week’s loser is - Jordin is safe. And now we get to hear Barry Gibb sing. And apparently the AI producers are not filthy rich enough. They are taking audition tapes for a Battle of the Bands type show. Barry Gibb did a pretty good job..you know he can actually sing. We’re back from the break. Doolittle is safe…so it is down to Lakisha and Blake. <Sigh> All too predictable. Randy does not know who its gonna be. Simon thinks its gonna be Lakisha. Paula gives her standard pep talk.

And now ladies and gents….some actual legitimately surprising news - Lakisha is going home. Craziness. This was one of the original sob stories - you remember? Oh Lord. I can’t feel bad for her though. She has definitely, without a doubt, given herself a very real real shot at a great career. And then she sings us off the show with that standard that I love, Stayin Alive. Tears rolling down her face, our girl gives it her all.

Oh, it’s been brought ‘en.

Don’t get me wrong, still a pretty boring show all in all. But the last five minutes were good TV.

Later gators,

Hello to everybody waiting for House to come on,

The top four are left. Three girls and one guy. Seacrest says its up to us to decide who goes to the finale. Woop de doo. Say hello to our judges - Randy, Paula and Simon. Simon is wearing a white shirt tonight. Interesting….not really but what else am I gonna talk about. Oh, I know. The BeeGees and Barry Gibb. Because that’s what we’ll be listening to tonight kiddies. Lord help me know. I have never never never understood the disco phenomenon….but let me tell you this. Sanjaya would have been great at it.

Seacrest reminds us that the show lives and dies by the music….ok. Here we go. The kiddies are singing two songs each. Dr. Doolittle sang first. Inside and Out or something like that. She shook her head back and forth 782 times during the performance and shook her hands constantly like she was shaking maracas. Randy said this is gonna be an interesting night. Nobody can criticize her…blah blah blah. Simon says, Paula was attempting to say that she wasn’t that impressed by it. Simon said it was not incredible. He called it a back-up singer performance. Everybody is kind of bickering. That’s Simon-2...Paula-1 and Randy never plays these games.

Randy demonstrates to us how to text message. Thanks. Beatbox is singing You Should Be Dancing…I think that’s the name. This may be the only performance I actually enjoy. Very playful. But I kind of hate it. Without really hating him. God I hate this music. Sorry people, I realize this is going to be a very biased review. I do like the Flock of Seagulls frosting in his hair though…that was kind of cool. Randy said for the eleventh time tonight “interesting”. He thought it was corny. Paula said you were out of tune, but then you showed true ‘musicianship’. I really don’t think that’s a word Ms. Abdul…but apparently Microsoft spellcheck thinks it is. Simon said it was terrible. Seacrest is trying to beatbox….I’m going to thro-oh oh oh oh--up.

Oprah is singing now. Wow we’re really flying through this first half hour. She’s singing Stayin’ Alive….so at least I can think of a John Travolta strut while she sings. This sounds pretty good….nice voice. Weirdly enough, this sounded kind of beatbox too. She kept going - I I I I …..I I I I I. Randy didn’t like it. Don’t change the melody. Paula said it was too slow. Simon said no kiss tonight. Verging on scary. Ok. Bring it.

Seacrest says Rough start tonight. No s(&^%t Ryan. That’s because this music….while it may not actually suck as much as I am saying….is really hard to sing. And we’re back with another stupid viewer question. What have you learned about yourself, River? Who cares. Seriously. No one ever says anything interesting. Barry really liked her version of Love Somebody (?). So, I hope this blows me away. Good Lord, she’s loud. I thought this was the best performance in the first half of the show. Very nice. What’s with the dress over the jeans? I don’t get it. Randy said that was the best, kind of Mariah. Paula says, you’re beautiful and that was the best. Simon said, best song choice, best performance so far….and NO ONE mentioned that she is 17.…so I will. Seacrest says thank you Jordin and then she picks him up and carries him off stage.

Dr. Doolittle tells us that the first tape she bought was Michael Jackson, Bad. Tape. See that? Tapes, kiddies. There was such a thing long long ago in a galaxy far far away known as the 80’s. HAHAHAHAHA. Anyway, she’s singing How Can You Mend a Broken Heart. This is booooooooooooooooooooooooooring. Somebody tape her hand to her side…she looks like she’s signing the song to us. Beautiful voice, as always. Best voice, as always. But still boring. I hate this music. Have I said that enough yet. Randy says the second song was much better, you’re still the resident pro. Paula said …something….I didn’t get it all. Simon said the second half of that song put you into the finals.

Beatbox is singing, This Is Where I Came In. More beat boxing…oh boy. Blake I think there is such a thing as too much beatbox. It is cool though. This song is terrible. I think Blake might be going home. There is a squirrel attacking the bird feeder I put up on the deck outside. He is literally swinging on it back and forth. The Pumpkin is completely mesmerized and completely useless in dissuading the squirrels from eating all of those stupid seeds. I don’t think it’s the rabid squirrel that roams around the neighborhood…which probably isn’t rabid….but it is blind in one eye which makes it look crazy. Oh…oh yeah American Idol is on…right. Randy didn’t like it. Paula says you are a contemporary rebel. She is completely out of her mind. Maybe Paula is rabid. Or high on something.  Simon thought it was completely tuneless, not a good night.

Judge Judy is in the audience. She kisses Simon. That’s cute. Ryan points out Simon’s mum. Awwwwwwwwwww. Oprah is singing Run To Me. Apparently the song is supposed to change keys 3 or 12 times during the songs. She’s got a scary kelly green dress on. When did kelly green become the new black? Her boobs are hanging out…well hell…if you’ve got it, flaunt it…right? Me personally, not much of a believer in that. But that’s why I’m an auditor and not a famous pop singer. Heehee. Ok, so the song was kind of dull. The squirrel ran away, or fell off the railing….not sure which. Randy said better. Paula said you’re a champ. Simon said it’s either you or Blake. Reeeeeeeeeeeeally. We’re running out of time now and so they are rushing us through.

River is singing us off with Woman In Love. Barbara Streisand apparently sang this song. Oh boy. Barry really likes her. Pretty dress…is it green too? Maybe I’m color blind…maybe its turquoise. Pretty. Anyway, the song is gorgeous. Someone is going to the finals. The finals of the finals. Anyway. The Hubby thought it was too loud….but that’s probably because he was trying to sleep during this. Randy said not the best performance, kind of pitchy. So now Randy gives props to Barry Gibb. Paula says not your best…she is stuttering through her stupid advice...probably needs another pill. Simon thought it was too old-fashioned, pageantry. And then Seacrest speed talks through the last 30 seconds of the promos. And they made it.

Later gators,

Hello American Idol Rockstars,

Seacrest is telling us that time is running out for two of our contestants. Nice suit, Seacrest. I wonder if Simon is going to kiss anyone tonight? Ryan promises us, no filler. Yeah right. We know better. Say hi to our judges Randy, Paula and Chest Hair. Ryan is trying to interview everyone…and it completely deteriorates…we’re talking about Simon’s puppet….and now the recap. What do the people think? Ryan’s Man on the Street interviews….no one thought Jordin did well. Uh oh. Lakisha said she would kiss Simon again.

Ruben Studdard is here tonight promoting the Idol Gives Back donation line. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm….where’s he been? Didn’t anyone tell him that show was last week? So anyway, we’re back. Ryan is talking to the kiddies again about last week. Blah blah blah. There’s really only so many times you can beat a dead horse. We’re recapping last week’s show now? Come oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…………Robin Thicke is singing a song. Who the hell is this guy? I am so confused…..and when did the guy from Growing Pains start a singing career? Maybe they’re related.

Fantasia is begging for money too. Here’s the freaky Ford commercial for the week….we’re in a circus or something….everybody looks weird….and they’re singing Painted Black, which is a good song….when the kiddies are not singing it. Time for the results. Melinda stand, Phil stand, Lakisha stand. Now come to the center of the stage. Melinda is safe. Yeah yeah yeah….we know. Lakisha is safe. Phil is going home. Hmmmm…is that what I said yesterday? I think it is. I am soooooooooooooo good at this. And here is my song….oh wait………no…..it’s not my song. What’s this? Babye Moby. We’re not really going to miss you…but sing anyway. It wasn’t too bad. Lakisha was crying like a baby. He had to go eventually kiddies, don’t cry.

Say hi to the trivia challenge winner. The super tough question of the week is where did the kiddies go during this week’s Ford commercial…..ummmmmmmmmm…..didn’t we just see this? Yeah. It was the circus morons. Jordin, Blake, and Chris are standing now and almost immediately Seacrest says Jordin you are safe. I am not going to put you through this again after last week. Well, that was nice. And we’re off the break…you know because they have to drag this out for the whole hour.

Before we hear the results, first we get to hear Bon Jovi. Cool. This is supposed to be the highlight of the night. It was a very nice song. Jon says you all did a great job. Seacrest asks if he wants to predict the winner…and Jon goes, not on your life. Smart man. Now Taylor is begging for money. I guess all the losers…I mean past winners besides Kelly….are on this week.

So we’re still waiting for the results. So they’re best friends…and this is kind of sappy. Jesus Christ. Please make it stop. Was I ever this young? I don’t think so. Chris is going home. Oh….did I call it or did I call it. I am so friggin awesome. So the final four are - Doolittle, Oprah, River, and Beatbox. Nice. I can live with that.

And now finally…here is my song. I was a little worried there for a minute. Chris is singing us off….and I have to admit I didn’t really listen. Honestly gators….this show is becoming a bit boring….if only because there is absolutely no competition for Doolittle. There is no controversy left (I.e., Sanjaya) and no more charity to cry about…..I’m not sure what is going to keep my interest for the next few weeks….but I’ll think of something for you. Don’t worry.  I apologize for the misleading title to this entry....but I honestly couldn't think of anything else to write that would make your read this.  If you truly believe that this is the first untruth I have told you....well just keep right on thinking that.   

Later,

We’re down to six. This week is Bon Jovi week. Two people are getting voted off…the pressure is on kiddies!!! Seacrest welcomes us in his black on black ensemble. I like the facial hair. Kind of cute. Last week, we raised almost $70 million dollars for the cute poor kids of the world. Hello to our judges - Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon ‘I’ve been in the sun’ Cowell. Haha. And let’s introduce all the teeny boppers to Bon Jovi and his hair band legacy. Jon says the kiddies have to be sincere and make the songs your own. Good advice.

Moby is up first - Blaze of Glory. This is from the movie Young Guns. Nice. Kiefer Sutherland is in the movie. Moby says he has been this song for about fifteen years. Ok…Moby. It’s time. Bring it. He’s walking around in the audience….he sounds pretty good. Wow…pretty good. He keeps pointing at people and looking in the camera. He actually looks pretty comfortable on the stage. I liked it. Randy, with his huge diamond studs on, lets us all know that he recorded that song for Jon (such a shameless name dropper)….so anyway he loved it. Paula says this is the best opening we have ever had. Simon says I thought it was ok and the boos start. He thought he was like a bad actor in the middle of the song and he doesn’t think Moby has done enough to last until next week. And now the judges are arguing about what it the truth and who is telling it….hmmm….already the bickering starts. Ryan reads off Phil’s four hundred numbers you can use to vote for him.

We’re back and Seacrest is talking about the Idol Tour and says hello to Gina (Tattoo Girl) who wishes she could have been singing during rock week. River says, my mom is gonna flip out. Oh boy, not totally sure Jon considered that a compliment. She’s singing Livin’ on a Prayer. Her hair is all teased out - nice touch. Good Lord, she’s either twelve feet tall or they picked the tiniest guitar players they could find to stand next to her. I think she sounds pretty good….but this isn’t very original. She does have a tendency to get a little bit screechy sometimes….but still…I liked it. But it could have just been the song I liked….so Randy goes yo yo yo check it out. Randy says interesting, this was tough for you….he says the verses were a little tough. Not your best. Paula says I give you credit for going for it even though it was a little bit out of your range. Jordin says, give it to me Simon. Simon says the look is like something out of the Addams Family. The singing was out of control, verging on shrieking….absolutely completely lost control. It was terrible. Wow….Seacrest says thank you Herman Munster…HAHAHAHAHHA and then we get the shot of Simon rolling his eyes. He’s very good at that. They should really give him a step stool when she’s talking to him.

Oprah is up now. Seacrest says everyone say hello to Lakisha. Ryan says, you want to sit down and she goes no, I want the camera to get my slim side. Nice. She says she’s gonna give us summin, summin. Heehee…is this a personality coming out of Miss Lakisha? She’s singing This Ain’t a Love Song. Jon says it’s a soul singer’s song….Bon Jovi doesn’t think she’s going anywhere this week. Well, he’s very confident. The beginning of the song sounded a little flat, those low notes are a little skeevy. I think this sounds pretty good other than that….but she’s just standing there….and then she hits those strong notes. Yup. That’s why she’s still here. Nice. Randy is trying to talk. I saw you singing that to Simon, hahaha, Randy thought it was pretty pitchy at the beginning but then you blew it out of the box. Paula says you definitely gave us something. Good job. Simon says….Lakisha. I actually could kiss you after that…and then….he does. BRILLIANT. Right on the lips. He says you absolutely nailed it.

Simon is still trying to get Lakisha’s lipstick off of his face. HAHAHAHAHA. Simon is poking Paula who won’t stop giggling. Beatbox is singing You Give Love a Bad Name. Bon Jovi says this is an adventurous rendition. Uh oh. I grew up on this song, Blake. Don’t mess it up. Please. Jon says, this is rolling the dice. He died his hair black…and this is completely beatbox. The refrain is the same, which helps. I can’t decide. It sounds cool….but I love this song. And there’s a LOT of beatbox in this…..and I kind of hate to admit it….it sounds really cool. Weird. I actually liked it. Randy is trying to talk over the crowd which is going completely crazy. Randy says you get an award for the most original version on AI, and that was hot. Paula says this was a huge leap of faith. But it was awesome. Simon says you’re very brave. Half the audience will love it and the other half will hate it. And that is exactly what you should have done and that is exactly why you will be here next week. I agree.

Oh my goodness…even Seacrest is calling him Justin Timberlake. More internet questions, which I will not bore you with. Chris even thought it was a stupid question. He’s singing Wanted Dead or Alive. Chris says someone had to sing this. And he didn’t know all the words in rehearsal. Oh hell. Bon Jovi says find the bluesy note, because this is a blues song. Sell the emotion. Ok. Here’s another one I grew up on, so make it good. I don’t like it. But to be completely fair, I don’t like him. He’s not even close to as talented as Justin Timberlake…and not as cute….so that’s two strikes. Nothing original about this version. This seems kind of slow too. Maybe because he doesn’t have Jon’s lung power. And um, Bogart and my mysterious cool rocker dude looked much better carrying that mic stand around the stage. Strike three. Randy says check it out, I was kind of worried about this week, but you made it your own. Nice. Paula says you don’t have anything to worry about. [Yes he does.] Simon says you did as much as you possibly could with that song. But I’m not sure it’s enough to stay around. And then Paula goes, yeah he did. Paula has some trouble counting….because TWO have to go Paula….so everyone can’t stay.

Dr. Doolittle is our closer this week. She says I am so bad at rock…and Jon Bon Jovi says I can teach you rock. Heehee. Nice. She’s singing Have a Nice Day. She’s so cute. I don’t care if this is an act. She’s strutting across the stage. Hello Tina. This is not her strong point….but she has got some attitude up there. It’s convincing even though this may not be the best….she’s owning it ladies and gentlemen. She says Have a Nice Day and I know exactly what she really means. It’s awesome. Randy says I don’t know if its your best performance, but another great one. Paula says how did it feel to be a rock star. Simon says it was like a young Tina Turner. Vocally in a different league than everyone else. Yeah…she’s still your American Idol.

And now The President of the United States. George is thanking us for donating….and he asks Laura if he should sing something….wow. Really? The President? You all know I don’t talk about politics on this blog…so I’ll keep my comments to myself.

So this week is kind of tough. I think our two biggest losers will be Timberlake definitely and Moby maybe, but it could also be Beatbox….even though I hope it’s not.

Rock on gators,