It's the end of May.  In the past few weeks the Earth has clearly shown us how pissed she is by unleashing cyclones, earthquakes, wild fires, tornadoes and floods.  It's been raining in loverly Germantown for days now and the news people are telling me to brace myself for outbreaks of West Nile Virus due to the imminent mosquito overrun we will be facing this summer.  School is out.  There is less traffic on the road, which is good since I have to stare into the sun burning my corneas out now that the sun rises at around 6 am.  My computers at work and at home have been revolting against me on a very disconcertingly frequent basis...I think they are planning to take over the world.  You can buy absolutely nothing now for less than $5.  Not a gallon of gas, a pack of cigarettes or a carton of eggs.  Normally....this would all cause me to be a bit down in the dumps.  But not today.  Because today is May 21, 2008.  Today is THE day.  Or night, rather.  "It's starting, it's starting!!" I scream at my happy meal toys as I run around in circles suffering from a sugar-induced euphoria.  I see the Pumpkin's tail as she whips around the corner, clearly deciding that this is not a safe room to snooze in.  I have my Coke, and my Cookie poster and I'm ready for the spectacle to begin.  It's time.

 

And here we go.  Mano a mano.  Tete a tete.  Facing off, center stage, dressed in white, standing in the spotlight.  Seacrest reminds us all that this is the finale.  <pause>  Oh, ok....for those people who just got released from solitary, left the convent or woke up from a coma within the past 24 hours.  How nice of you Seacrest....those people are always discriminated against, aren't they?  Ryan is in another snazzy three piece suit with nice striped tie and mashed down hair.  He introduces us to those familiar faces, our Judges.  Mr. Randy Jackson in his Santa Claus outfit.  Ms. Paula Abdul in a tight little red dress with her boobs on a shelf.  And Mr. Simon Cowell.....in an outfit that looks eerily similar to the outfit he wore last night.....Seacrest tells us that 97.5 million votes were cast.  WHAT?!?!  That's completely insane...and even if it is a totally fictional number....how about them for making it sound so impressive.  One of the David's got 56% percent of the vote.  Because I'm a mutant counter, I can tell you that means 54.6 million votes.  That's completely ridiculous.  I will try not to wail too much about how convinced I am that the Boy Wonder - Archie Squinty Eyes Napoleon is going to win.  Let's just enjoy the show.  First up is of course the top 12 finalists with a preview of the Tour.

 

And now the Davids are singing 'Hero' together.  That's the Nickelback song from Spiderman, in case you thought it reminded you of something.  Cookie sounds better, of course....too bad he's not going to win.  <frowny>  The theater is packed and everyone is screaming....so much energy, this must be sooooooooooooo cool for both of them.  Now it's time for the first stupid bit of the night.  Gurupitka, American Idol's spiritual advisor.  Otherwise known as Mike Myers, promoing his new movie The Love Guru.  This actually was pretty funny.  Some of his advice for Cookie was to get out of the 90's and shave his facial hair.  <chuckle> And poor Archie had no idea what was going on, which he said, and that just made it more funny.  And then Myers comes out onto the stage on this little motorized 'carpet' and he calls Ryan 'Mr. Seafoam'.  Which was hysterical.  And then he goes leaping off the stage so Ryan gets on the motorized carpet and tries to drive it around and almost drives it right over the edge of the stage and into a camera guy...which was also....hysterical.

 

More singing and it's Syesha with Seal!!  How cool is this?  Pretty friggin cool.  Seal has an amazing voice and he's trying not to show up Miss Mercado but I think that may be a little difficult.  He's just too good.  A nice duet though, very pretty.  And now Dreadilocks is back singing David Cale's version of 'Hallelujah'.  He sang this before...and I honestly don't remember it being this good.  I actually remember complaining about how bad it was....but now......quite beauitful.  Perhaps because he sang it exactly the way Cale sings it, which is the version I love.  I guess when the pressure's off he can really perform.  Time for the Ford commercial.  'Let the Good Times Roll' with all the final 12.  <shaking my head>  Moving on.  Now the top 6 girls are singing 'She Works Hard for the Money' or whatever it's called.  They sound pretty good and look pretty fancy in their red outfits, but wow, does Rocker Chick stand out like a sore thumb or what?  Then Donna Summers....yes that Donna Summers, comes out and sings her NEW single 'Stamp Your Feet on the Ground' with the girls.  Syesha gets to do a little duet with her.  The SYTYCD kids are breakdancing...and I don't know if you caught this or not, but Seacrest actually took off his jacket and did some dancing.  <giggle>  Not bad Ryan! 

 

More singing and it's Irish Carly and Thunder from Down Under - Michael Johns singing 'This Letter'.  They both have great voices, but too different to sound that good together.  Now here's Jimmy Kimmel giving us a 'review'/roast of the season.  He's hysterical.  And then they do a montage of Simon's insults to some music which was pretty funny too.  Time for the top 6 guys to sing and this sounds a lot better than the girls.  Singing Bryan Adam's songs Summer of 69 and Heaven (by the Davids).  Hmmmmm...Bryan Adams.  Oh goodie, he's here!!!  I love Bryan Adams...so in love with him when I was a kid.  The Canadian Bruce Springsteen.  <chuckle>  He's out there singing with the boys and this is actually quite good.

 

They're telling us about the American Idol Experience at Disney World.  You must be joking?  This show literally has no shame....time for Cookie to sing....with ZZ Top.  Get the hell out of here.  Sharp Dressed Man and we really cranked this one up.  I hope the neighbors aren't trying to sleep.  I love this song.  ROCK OUT!!  And he sounds great....but such a good song.  Such a great band.  Oh that was really good.  A highlight.  And Cookie is having a blast on stage with these guys.  That's awesome, at least he's having some good experiences before losing. 

 

The next song is Snow White singing with Graham Nash (as in Crosby, Stills).  They're performing the folk classic 'Teach Your Children'.  Sitting on stools, strumming on their guitars and this is exactly what Brookie does.  It sounds better than great.  What a good song and performance.  That must have been awesome for her...just beautiful.  Now some band called the Jonas Brothers is singing.  I'm guessing they're popular by listening to the tweeners screaming their little lungs out.

 

Now a recap of the Best of the Worst.  Oh there really were some stinkers this year.  Remember Renaldo?  In his white pimp outfit singing that horrific song 'You are my brother' his ode to Simon?  Yeah, he's here.  Singing on stage.  And then because that wasn't awful enough, they bring in the USC marching band to back him up/drowned him out.  He never even finishes the song, they just fade out to commercial.....aiyayaya.

 

Time for another performance...one of my favorite songs (I know I have a lot of favorite songs) One Republic singing Apologize.  And oh look, here's Archie the Boy Wonder singing along.  And is it my imagination or is Ryan Tedder completely outsinging the Boy Wonder.  Holy cow, he's good live.  That was a great performance too!  I'm telling you...they save the best for last.  If they had gotten these singers throughout the season, people wouldn't be complaining so much.  Not nearly as much.  Jordin Sparks, the lone ex-Idol representative of the night, is singing next.  She's wearing some crazy gold Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz dress.  Very unflattering...but she sounds nice, as usual. 

 

The second bit of the night is a 'lost' audition tape for Gladys Knight's Pips.  The Pips are actually Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr.  Kind of dumb....but Jack Black cracks me up...such a lunatic.  Oh here's another ex-Idol, Miss Carrie Underwood, singing next.  Apparently the record-breaker in downloads.  Or whatever....she's very successful.  And even though the Hubby doesn't like country, he's remarkably quiet during this performance.  Maybe he's falling asleep over there.

 

The top 12 are out for yet another Tour preview singing George Michael songs.....oh.....I heard a rumor....and if the earlier performances are any indicator.  YES.  He's here!!  The Icon of the 80's!!!  Mr. George Michael.  I can remember loving the song Father Figure and having no good idea of what it was even about....<sigh>.....ahhhh, to be young and ignorant again.  Except he's not singing an oldie tonight, he's singing something new which has some oddly ironic lyrics to it.  'Praying For Time'.  Very sweet song.  What's with the sunglasses?  Paula is crying.....

 

So it's finally time.  Time for the final go-time.  Time to announce that Boy Wonder is the winner....<sigh>....Randy says this has been one of the strongest years, you're both winners.  Paula says it's not a finale, there's nothing final about tonight.  Simon apologizes to Cookie (!!!!) for verging on disrespectful (and hell just froze over).  He said it was a terrific night last night and for the first time, he doesn't care who wins because they're both good.  Hmmmm...nice.  A little too late to change your harsh, incredibly slanted comments Cowell...so here comes the nerdy mutant counter with the vote tally.  And it's time....I'm on the edge of my seat, even though I have pretty much convinced myself who's won.  Seacrest says, by a margin of 12 million votes, our next American Idol is........................................DAVID COOK. What the hell is going on?!?!?  I am stunned into silence for about 3 seconds and then I just start giggling and yelling.  How awesome is this!?!?  The rocker wins!! The rocker wins!!  My pick won!!!!  <ahem>  Well, of course he did...because I can predict the future...and nevermind all that about knowing that Archie was gonna run away with it.  That was the caffeine and the sugar talking.  Cookie is a mess of tears right now....so cute when he gets emotional.  And sincere.  No smug looks or smirks now....his mom runs up on stage and gives him a big hug.  And to close the show, and the season, Mr. Cook - the best American Idol ever, sings the winning song from the competition 'Time of My Life.' 

 

I'm going to sleep for three days now.  The show has renewed my faith in the American public...which is a scary thought in and of itself.  But you know what's funny....now I can say, without a doubt, that one vote can make a difference.  Because last night was the first night in a very very very long time that I bothered......to vote.  I'm super.  A Super-Voter.  With Super powers.  You're welcome David Cook, you're welcome.

 

Can't wait till next season.  <big cheesy grin>

 

Later gators,

Heather

Oh my freakin' God!!  It's the last singing show of the season!!  I am totally losing it.  I get this hysterical every season, so don't think I'm going to burst any blood vessels or anything....and considering this season was slightly less 'exciting' than most seasons....my hysteria is somewhat tamed.  But still.  The last singing show of the season!!  WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  David versus mini-David.  The Battle of the Davids.  <chuckle>  Oh, please tell me this wasn't scripted?  Like they didn't plan this from the beginning.  Come on.  Just to make this a little more interesting, let's all pretend like the producers don't actually hand pick the winner and your votes actually mean something, mmmmmkay?  So the show comes on and a mic is lowering down on to the stage....like.....a boxing announcer.  And look who it is, Michael Buffer.  Huh....ok.....a little cheese is ok.  It is the last singing show so a little cheese will be ok.  David 'Sugar Ray' Cook versus David 'Babyface' Archuleta.  Oh.  My.  God.  They're wearing boxing robes and gloves and this is getting a little embarrassing.  Michael Buffer in his trademarked voice says, Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Americaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Idoooooooooooooooooooooooooool. 

 

Finally, we get to see Seacrest.  Thank goodness Buffer isn't going to be hosting the whole show....hahahahahahaha....Ryan looks nice in a gray suit and just because it's a special night he's wearing a three piece, very snazzy with the vest Ryan.  His pointy hair is a little more mashed down tonight.  Randy has a disco suit on, Paula is wearing the now completely unfancy glitter evening gown, and Simon is wearing his Miami Vice white un-buttoned shirt with black jacket.  There are a million people in the Nokia theater and they're all going crazy.  I'm not exaggerating.  One million people.  Jim Lampley is giving advice, a la cliched boxing commentary.  I would bet any of you a gugillion dollars that the vast majority of tweeners in the audience have no idea who Lampley is....Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber are going to be advising the kiddies this week.  And here they are - Cookie and Archie, dressed eerily similar.  So the Kid Wonder won the coin toss and decided to go second.  Humph.  Let's just get past the whole farce of me commenting on this show objectively.  In case you haven't read any of the other blogs for any of the other weeks or seasons.  I have favorites, and everyone else can kiss my ass.  Tonight my favorite is Cookie, because I like the rockers.  Archie Napoleon Wonder Boy can kiss my ass with his squinty little eyes and annoyingly soft voice.  Harsh, you say?  Of course.  How else am I ever going to rule the world?  Being nice to people?  Don't be ridiculous.  So anyway, the judges get to give the kiddies some advice, even though it is clearly too late for this kind of thing.  Randy says bring everything you got!  Paula says enjoy it, may the best man win.  Simon says you need to have a desire to win and you must hate your opponent.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Awesome.  I think he says that every season, but whatever, it's still funny.  Then the kiddies say nice things to each other.  Wonder Boy Napoleon made me want to throw up he was so sweet and Cookie made fun of the whole 'hate your opponent' idea.  So obviously, Cookie should win because he has a sense of huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumor!!

 

Anyway, in the first round....yes, the first round.  It has become painfully obvious that American Idol is going to continue with the whole boxing theme throughout the night...<shaking my head>.  Not.  Quite.  Even close.  To the same thing.  But whatever.  In the first round, Clive Davis is picking songs for the kiddies to sing.  He picks 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' by U2 for Cookie and he picks 'Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me' by Elton John for the other guy.  How about me for predicting the future by posting Clay Aiken's version on this fabulous blog?  How awesome am I?  I like the song choices, more rock for Cookie, more blaaaaaaaaaaaaah for Napoleon.  So let's hear some singing already!  Seacrest gets out one more 'fight for the title' quip and we're off.  Cookie is up first and it sounds really nice, mainly because he's so jacked up.  Slow at first and then it picks up energy.  He's walking all over the audience and looking at people and singing his butt off.  Very nice.  Randy calls him D.C. (nice one) and says it was hot.  Paula says 'we found you', in reference to the song which she apparently takes literally.  She's actually pretty giddy tonight, so this should only get better.  Simon says that was phenomenal.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  Winner winner chicken dinner!!!

 

Now Archie gets to sing.  <sigh>  I did manage to keep myself from fast forwarding through this part.  He's squinting his eyes and this isn't nearly as good as Clay's version....obviously.  But he does have a better voice than Cookie, so now I'm a little worried.  And oh look, there is his crazy dad.  Randy says that was the best performance of the whole season.  Randy, that comment stopped being cool after you said it four thousand times this year.  Paula says you give me chills.  Yeah....because he's so creepy Paula.  Like he's about to go all psycho-killer on us at any moment.  Simon says arguably, your best performance of the season.  Round one goes to Archuleta.  His words, not mind.  <frowny>  He might be right.....if this was Bizarro World!  Cookie gets in a nice uppercut and Archie Squinty Eyes is wobbling.

 

In round two (yes, still more boxing) the kiddies get to pick songs from a list of the top ten viewer choices from the song-writing competition.  I'm glad they didn't force the kiddies to sing the same song this year, that always sucks.  Cookie picked a song called Dream Big and Archie Wonder Boy picked a song called In the Moment.  Hmmmm...nice original titles at least.  <smirk>  So Cookie goes first and I don't like this song at all.  I mean...at.....alllllllllllllllll.  It's kind of a rock song, or he made it that way, but how yucky.  He sang it pretty well though, considering.  Randy said he sang his face off.  That's a really gross image, thanks Randy.  Paula said when you have a song in your heart and a guitar in your hand, you mesmerize us.  Where'd she read that line?  Sounds like it's out of a movie....Walk Hard?  <chuckle>  Simon said that didn't feel like a winning moment.  What's his problem?  Crazy limey!

 

Now it's Archie's turn again and his song is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better, hmmmmmmmm.  Still a little 'High School Musical', but so much better than the big dreams song.  Damn.  I really don't want this kid to win.  Randy says sing the phone book.  Somebody get that man a phone book!  Paula says it was another heart-felt performance.  Simon says you chose the better song.  Round two goes to Arhculeta.  <long pause> 

 

S**t.

 

In round three, since the producers and poor Seacrest refuse to give up the completely ridiculous boxing analogies, the kiddies get to pick their own songs.  This is never a strong point for Cookie, so now I'm really nervous.  He picked 'The World I Know' by Collective Soul.  <shaking my head> He should never pick his own songs...seriously....when he does his own album, get someone else to write everything.  He just sucks at picking songs that relate to a live audience.  Very pretty though, he may be this season's Daughtry.  <smile>  Daughtry!!  Remember him?  Super successful now.  I have that album, by the way, if anyone wants to borrow it.  Anyway, Cookie finishes singing and then he tears up.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....it actually is kind of sweet that he is capable of showing some emotion from time to time.  Randy says this is definitely your kind of album.  Paula says you are standing in your truth.  What the hell does that mean?  <shaking my head>  Simon says you're one of the nicest, most sincere contestants we've ever had..........uh oh...........but that was the wrong choice of song.  Cookie says, you know I thought, why do something I've already done?  Because you've already done great songs Cookie!!!!!!!!!  <sigh>  I do like him more now, especially since he is smug and kind of stuck up and clearly has more of a personality than Archie Napoleon. 

 

So Napoleon picked 'Imagine' by Lennon...you remember this, right?  He sang it earlier in the season.  Clearly his best performance of the whole season....right Randy?  I wasn't really paying very close attention, but it sounded pretty much exactly the same.  Very beautiful.  DAMN IT!!  Randy says you are so good, exactly what this show is about.  Paula says you left me speechless.  Finally!!  Simon says we just witnessed one of the best finals, but the difference with your performance?  That was a knockout.  <gag>  More boxing.  Clearly planned.  This isn't a movie starring you, Simon.  Please try to be spontaneous. 

 

Seacrest thanks everyone.  Yeah yeah.  We know, we're awesome.  Vote for your favorites.  I don't want to be just a voter, though.  I want to be a SUPER voter....when my votes will really count and could possibly make the difference.  <chuckle>  You've got my vote, Cookie, metaphorically speaking of course.  But I'm pretty sure Napoleon Archie Squinty Eyes Wonder Boy Dynamite will probably won.  Now it's time for the recap of the show and here's RUBEN to sing for us 'Celebrate Me Home'.  Nice, I missed Ruben.  So tomorrow is the finale of the finale.  I'm sad and relieved that this is finally over.  American Idol is so exhausting.  They better not have any more boxing analogies tomorrow...

 

Later gators,

Heather

It's go time people.  <smile>  Time to crush someone's hopes.  Someone who has come so close....so ridiculously close to winning it all.  Time to build some life-long regrets and endless nights of what-ifs.  Describing it this way might make some of you people feel bad....but listen.  This is because of you!  You watch, you vote (well, some of you) and so you need to own it.  Own the fact that you have the power to make or break someone tonight.  <evil grin>  Since feeling bad about it won't change anything, I suggest feeling GOOD about it.  Like me.  Anyway, here's Ryan in his gray suit and black tie and pointy hair.  Here's Randy in some black and white jersey thing with more beads around his neck...what's with the beads?  Here's Paula in a black and white outfit and a whole lot of cleavage.  So much cleavage, in fact, she gets a comment from Seacrest about how this is a family G-rated show....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Come on Ryan...if you got it, why not show the entire world?  And let's not forget Simon.  Simon, Simon Simon.  Wearing a white sweater and showing just as much cleavage as Paula....but no snappy remarks from Seacrest about that?  Huh.  Three kiddies left, Ryan brings them out and let's them sing their opening number - 'Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now'.  Unfortunately, the Hubby had control of the remote at this point and didn't even ask if I wanted to listen to this part....I didn't....so I guess he can read my mind now.

 

Break to the Ford commercial horror picture show of the week and it's to 'Heaven', the get their fortunes read and see their future...or whatever.  That fortune teller thingy reminded me of the movie 'Big'.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I can just see Napoleon wishing to be big....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh... oh man, I am so hysterical.  So we're back from that and Seacrest informs us that 56 million votes were cast last night and then we get the first recap of the night.  After that, it's time for this week's musical performance from Idols Past - Miss Fantasia Barrino.  She has flaming red hair and she's singing 'Bore Me'.  Wow, she has a lot of stage presence, doesn't she?  I'm not terribly sure what's going on right now....but I am totally mesmerized....this is a super weird song, difficult to understand, but impossible not to watch.  They showed Simon's face and I just about fell off the sofa laughing...he had this look on his face like he was completely dumbfounded by what he was watching.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That was totally hysterical.  The song ends, and I really don't know what just happened.  Crazy.

 

Ryan talks about tours and stamps and now it's time to bring out each of the kiddies one by one.  Napoleon is first.  He went back to his hometown of Murray City, Utah.  Remember he's from Utah?  I know...kind of a stereotype....but there are a LOT of weird people from Utah.  Anyway, so we get to see him in front of thousands of screaming pre-teens and he is even more awkward and ungainly with the girls than ever.  I'm not terribly sure he will ever know what to do with the ladies....but 17 year-olds usually don't.  "It took me three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip." (If you haven't seen this movie, people, you really must.  It was totally hysterical.)  He's got a smile frozen on his face, until he just becomes completely overwhelmed and starts crying.  <pause>  Crying?  Stepford Boy is crying?  This makes me even more uncomfortable than seeing him bumble through throngs of screaming fans....mostly because it's such a normal response.  He gets to go to his high school and be king of the world.  I think we know who the homecoming king is going to be this year...right?  Wrong.  He's never going back to that school.  It's off to the Hollywood where he'll be eaten alive by the music industry.  Anyway, mom and dad are very proud of him.  And wow, Seacrest jokes around with this kid a lot.  So apparently, they're going to bring out each of the kiddies, see their homecoming, watch a recap of their Idol Life....this is what we in the blog business call FILLER.  But that's ok.  I am desperately trying to hold on to every last second of this show since it is very nearly over....so bring it on.

 

Syesha gets to go home next and she says she's going back to Sarasota.  Sarasota?  Didn't they say Tampa last night?  They're close but not really.  It's like someone saying you're from Essex when you really live in Columbia...not....quite....the same.  But anyway, the whole town is out in force for Miss Syesha, she gets a day in her name (which, if I didn't mention this yesterday, is absolutely the coolest thing ever), and then she gets to go home and visit with her family.  Daddy says, this is a reason to stay clean.  Remember he was on drugs and after her audition he said he was proud of her.  <pause>  Oh....well....I didn't want to actually feel badly that she was going home this week....and now I will.  Thanks Daddy Mercado.  So she gets to go back to her alma mater Booker High School and now she's overwhelmed and crying her eyes out too.  Awwww....it just occurred to me that it's a good thing Brookie is not in the final three....that would have been a disaster with the crying, right?  <chuckle>  I know, I know...I'm going straight to hell.  I'm sure I'd cry my eyes out too if I had to go back to my high school.  Possibly for very different reasons....

 

Captain Cook is up last.  With his smug smirkiness.  I hope you all realize the only reason he acts like this is to keep his blood pressure in check....if you let your anxiety get the best of you and act like a giddy hysterical freak, your blood vessels will explode and you'll die.  Cookie, at least, understands that.  So anyway, Seacrest explains that Cookie wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for his brother Andrew.  Andrew was the one who wanted to audition and Cookie went with him for moral support.  He never intended to audition, and look where he is....I never knew that.  Cool story.  So anyway, Cookie heads back to Kansas City, Missouri and he had the best day out of all of them, I think.  He got to do the weather on some news show, he went back to his old elementary school to suprise his music teacher and thank her for getting him into music (which was the sweetest thing ever), and he got to throw out a pitch at Kauffman Stadium (Royals play there).  He actually got overwhelmed too...which was a little surprising.  Cookie getting choked up...hmmm....get used to it, kid.

 

So we're back, we've seen all their stories, we've heard all the recaps.  It's time.  Randy says you should all be proud of yourselves.  Paula says the world will remember you....way to be dramatic Paula.  And Simon says, if it's the final I think it's gonna be, we're in for a real humdinger.  Alrighty then.  Come on already Seacrest, I can't handle this anymore.  Just TELL us who it is already!!! 

 

The two kiddies performing in the finals next week are - Napoleon......................................<sigh>  we all knew that right?................and.......................

 

 

 

 

...................................Captain Cook. 

 

 

 

<smile>  I know.  I'm awesome.  I told you what was going to happen....because I can see the future.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Finale next week people.  It's gonna be a humdinger.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It's IDOL TIME!!  WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  I am not still sick, so I can't blame the Nyquil for acting like such an idiot....but next week is the finale and then pretty much all of my TV will be over for this season.  <sigh>  This is so depressing.  It's not like I can spend the 67 hours a week I normally watch TV doing something productive like.....<chuckle>.....read or <hack> WORKOUT.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That's ridiculous.  No, when the TV is over we do not despair in the Darth household.  This is why we subscribe to Netflix...which, by the way, is the best thing EVER...besides American Idol.  So Ryan is here in his maroon tie and pointy hair.  Randy looks like he's wearing a flowerdy shirt but I can't really tell.  Paula is in more totally inappropriate black glittery stuff.  And Simon is wearing his black sweater for the 8 millionth time this season.  Seacrest explains that the kiddies are singing three songs tonight, one the judges picked, one they picked and one the producers picked.  Oh man!  I usually don't particularly like this show in the season...I never think the song choices are that great.  But we'll see.  The Hubby is complaining enough for both of us right now....so I'll stay cautiously optimistic.

 

Napoleon is first in the rotation tonight.  He visited his hometown of Murray City, Utah.  Utah, huh.  We're doing the judge's picks first and he found out while back in the Beehive State that Paula had picked 'And So It Goes' by Billy Joel for him to sing.  She said it will show his range.  He's wearing a funny looking little black leather jacket with one of those skinny black ties.  The echo on the mic is intentional, I think.  It's a very pretty version with some very pretty violin accompaniment.  Very nice way to start the show.  The Hubby thought it was boring....but that doesn't surprise me.  Randy said...again....that Napoleon can sing anything, he's in it to win it.  Paula said it was pure and stunning.  Simon said there were no surprises, very predictable, but good.  Moving on....since there is NO TIME for dilly dallying.

 

Syesha is second in the rotation.  She went back home to Tampa where she found out that Randy picked 'If I Ain't Got You' by Alicia Keys.  Syesha is a big fan of Ms. Keys and who wouldn't be...so she's excited to sing this.  She's got a pretty glittery dress on and she really belts it out.  It's not Alicia, but it's pretty good.  She's completely into it and we get a big smile at the end of the performance.  She seems genuinely happy to be here and on this stage.  Randy says, yo, you're peaking at the right time.  Paula said it's difficult to sing a song that is so identifiable with the artist, but you did good and you look great.  Simon said he wished Randy had picked a different song, but you look gorgeous.  Awwww....that was pretty nice coming from Simon.

 

So Captain Cook is singing in the coveted third position.  He went home to Kansas City, Missouri where if you didn't know May 9 is now David Cook Day.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  That's fantastic, I need a day in celebration of myself.  So anyway, he was on some morning news show when he got a text from Simon telling him he would be singing 'First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' by Roberta Flack.  I don't know, but clearly Simon has a wicked sense of humor.  Roberta Flack?  Interesting.  Simon said he picked it because it was difficult to sing and it would give Cookie a chance to be original.  Ok, I guess that makes sense.  It was a very pretty toned down rock version of the song.  Wow these are short snippets of the songs aren't they....it feels like they're singing three notes and then it's over.  Anyway, it sounded good to me.  The Hubby thinks everyone sounds like crap tonight but I think that's just because he's in a cranky mood.  Randy said he's been a fan since the beginning but he wishes Simon had picked a different song that let him be more rockstar.  Paula said, since this is about David and not you guys, I'll say it was one of my favorite songs.  Simon said it was one of your best performances, you take risks, round one goes to Cook and Cowell.  Hmmmm....I think he might be a little biased on this one, I totally don't think this was his best performance.  In fact, I think round one actually goes to creepy Napoleon.

 

So next, the kiddies picked their own songs.  I predict disaster.  Just based on all the other seasons and all the other picks we have heard these kids come up with....Napoleon is up first and the train wreck of a song he picked is 'With You' by Chris Brown.  The Hubby and I are both chuckling about this one....it's pretty much impossible to compare Napoleon to Chris Brown...but let's see what he does with it, right?  He's in a new outfit, trying to be hip.  And he's bopping along in that weirdly awkward way he has about him that makes everyone uncomfortable, like his head is about to detach itself from his body and rotate 360 degrees randomly throughout the performance.  This just sounds weird coming out of his mouth, that's all.  It's an ok performance, but really not his style.  His eyes are open and he's smiling at least.  Randy was glad he picked a contemporary song, but said it was weird.  Paula said he did a great job.  Simon applauded him for doing something different, but it was like a chihuahua trying to be a tiger.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yes, exactly what I was thinking!! 

 

Syesha's song pick for herself is 'Fever' by Peggy Lee.  Hmmmm....ok......going a different route, I see.  She's got another pretty dress on and she's singing with a chair, a la Flashdance or Cabaret.  She is by far and away the best performer out of the three.  She sincerely enjoys being on that stage and belting out a song for everyone.  And she's always got energy, not to mention the Hubby's undivided attention.  It's always fun watching her perform.  Randy said that it was an interesting choice, but she sang it amazingly well.  Paula said she was suprised you picked that song.  Why?  I thought it was fun.  Granted, she didn't make it modern or different, but it's a good song nonetheless.  Simon said you'll regret that decision tomorrow, it was quite a lame cabaret performance (but he meant it in a bad way).  Uh oh.  I'm starting to sense something here....

 

Cookie's song is 'Dare You To Move' by Switchfoot, which he calls an appropriate song for an appropriate moment.  Hmmmmm....one of his own choices....I don't think he should sing songs that he personally likes to listen to....most of his music taste seems to lean toward more studio-produced stuff.  Stuff that's hard to sing live and make it sound good or even ok.  I don't like this that much, but the ending was better than the beginning.  Randy likes the band and hence the song choice but he said Cookie was a little pitchy.  Paula said she thinks it's hard to condense songs into such short snippets.  Simon said it was not the best melodic song in the world and overall everyone had an ok middle round.

 

On to the final round and the producer's choice of song.  This should be interesting, and by interesting I mean excruciatingly dull.  <sigh>  I think they should let America pick the songs since America is the one who votes.  Go online and pick from like a list of ten songs or something....I know I could pick some pretty good songs.  But whatever...nobody ever asks for my opinion.  So anyway, Napoleon's last song of the night chosen by the omnipotent producers is 'Longer' by Dan Fogelberg.  <pause>  Really?  <wrinkling up my nose>  Really?  I don't really like this song...but I guess they're right, this is more his style....which may be why I don't really like him.  He sings it beautifully, of course....but honestly, I'm so bored I'm not really listening.  Maybe that's part of his tactic - to bore us all into some kind of zombie trance while he zaps us with subliminal messages through the air waves.  Yeah.  I'm sure that's it.  Randy said it was an interesting choice (he didn't pick it Randy!) but he could sing the phone book, hot.  You know....I think it would be totally hysterical if Napoleon came on stage next week and actually DID sing the phone book.  <chuckle>  That would at least prove his alien leaders taught him to be funny....Paula said it was lovely.  Simon said he sang the song well even though it was a really gooey song.  <chuckle>  Gooey....

 

Seacrest is walking through the audience and look who it is - Mr. Justin Guarini is sitting there....remember him from Season 1?  He has his own website...justinguarini.com.  I'm not making that up.  It just refers you to his myspace page but that's pretty hysterical.  Anyway, Syesha's producer pick is 'Hit Me Up' by Gia Farrell...probably best well known from the penguin movie Happy Feet.  <shaking my head>  A penguin song?  Anyway, she's totally adorable jumping and dancing around the stage.  You really can't help but smile when she performs.  I was kind of hoping to see the penguin dance....but no luck.  The singing was pretty good but nothing to write home about.  Randy said it was just ok.  Paula said you did it very well but I still don't think this song showed who you are (she didn't pick the song for herself, PAULA!!).  Then she said, in a very uncharacteristic statement, that she doesn't think Syesha did enough to get to the finals....what HUH?!?!  Simon said Syesha's best moment was last week, this song was a little bit forgettable.  Why aren't they blaming the producers for picking this retarded song?  I think it's becoming clear everyone wants to see an all-David finale.

 

Cookie is singing last and the producers picked that Aerosmith classic 'I Don't Want to Miss A Thing'....seriously, Aerosmith.  Steven Tyler has one of those unique voices that make the song so much better and while Cookie sang it pretty well, it just wasn't as good.  It was at least more his style though....Randy said he loves this song, it was ok, kind of predictable.  Paula said I predict you'll be in the finals.  HAHAHA, good one Paula, give away the producers' conspiracy plot.  Simon says David Cook wins the night.  Really?  Ya think? 

 

I thought the whole night was just kind of ok.  The Hubby complained the entire hour about how no one on this season is any good....which considered the hype about this being the most talented season ever, is pretty ironic.  So I posted a few performances you may remember if you're a fan.  Take a listen, and decide for yourself.  Would either of the Davids or Syesha be able to compete?  My prediction is that the producers will fix the voting so that the Davids are in the finale.  Bye Syesha, have fun with your undoubtedly awesome successful career.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It's time for the finale.  The end is already here.  I'm actually a little surprised this season went by as fast as it did...but I guess that just goes to show how good it was this time around.  We start off with another recap of the last 36 days.  Back at Camp Doobie the women are amazed at their good fortune in turning things around on Scooper.  They are the Weird Sisters and they are stirring the pot.  Double double, toil and trouble.  This is going to be an interesting ending to a very thrilling season.  The next morning, the girls are still all smiles.  But Natalie now knows that she is at the bottom of the totem pole, being the last Fan left with all the other Favorites.  She thinks she has a good relationship with Havarti, and that might help her get to the final three.  We'll see.  These girls haven't once turned on each other yet, so I don't have very high hopes for Natalie.

 

Then the ladies find out they have another immunity challenge today.  No breaks.  No rewards.  Someone else is going to be voted out tonight.  The immunity is kind of cool.  They have to stand on top of these poles out in the water and pull up buckets of water to fill a bamboo shoot that will cause a set of keys to rise as the water rises in the shoot.  Once they have the keys, they swim to shore and unlock a chest full of ladder rung puzzle pieces.  The rungs go in the ladder one way and one way only.  Once they get to the top of the ladder they raise their banner to win.  This will be interesting.  I think Natalie must win this to have a chance to stay.  She actually does get out to a little bit of lead, Blurry Butt and Havarti are close on her heels with Cirie bringing up the rear.  But the puzzle is the thing.  Blurry Butt is the quickest at the puzzle and that made all the difference.  She gets to the top first and wins immunity.  Oh my.  I'd be packing my bags Natalie. 

 

Back at Camp, Natalie thinks she might still have a chance to get into the final three.  Cirie is nervous.  Havarti seems overly confident.  They are editing this to make us think that Natalie has a chance....but I've been watching this show for too long.  I think this is the producers way of getting us involved....I think Blurry Butt and Havarti will stick with their original alliance.  They all like Natalie a lot....but not that much...right?  So it's time for the first tribal council of the night.  Natalie is bragging about the women's skills at blindsiding.  Blurry Butt says she thinks she knows what is going on but you can never be too sure.  Havarti says this is the craziest season ever and no one should ever feel safe.  And then Cirie starts talking about being at the bottom of all the alliances.  What's this?  Why is she talking about this now?  I am very confused.  Blurry Butt seems particularly annoyed that Cirie feels this way and she and Havarti are arguing with Cirie.  I can totally see Cirie's point...I'm just not sure why this was a good time to bring it up.  Is this going to help her with the jury?  Hmmmm, maybe.  Natalie seems pleased that the others are squabbling amongst themselves....oh boy.  Is this the end of Cirie?  Was I totally wrong?  It's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Natalie voted for Cirie.  But everyone else voted for Natalie.  HA.  I was right.  I knew I was.  Natalie doesn't seem that surprised or upset....good, she had to know she didn't have much of a chance.

 

Back at Camp and Blurry Butt is still arguing with Cirie about her being on the bottom of the alliances.  Come on Blurry Butt, she is making an excellent point here and you are being totally oblivious.  And then they finally realize that we're in the final three and what are we arguing about?!  HAHAHAHA.  Big hugs all around and everyone is hoping for a final three and not a final two.  I don't know ladies, there's an awful lot of show left for this to be it.  They decide to set their last chicken free who they have affectionately named Gloria.  That's sweet, PETA will love that.  Except Gloria refuses to leave camp and instead nests right there on the beach with them.  HAHAHAHA.  The girls go to find the tree mail hoping for a big feast and instead find instructions that they are to paddle out to Exile to reminisce about all the other losers who went before them....before they head off to their final challenge.  Their final challenge.  How upsetting.  It will be a final two and not a final three.  All the girls are upset and Blurry Butt is crying.  Havarti looks like she's trying to cry but can't quite manage.  Cirie looks devastated.  So they pull themselves together and head off to Exile to look at everybody's torch.  This is always the annoying part of the finale because it feels like total fluff...but it is fun to remember before we get to the reunion show who everyone was that I've already forgotten about. 

 

Time for the last immunity challenge.  The girls have to hold up a cylinder with a metal ball bearing balanced in the middle, keeping it from falling off the cylinder.  Every five minutes, they have to add more blocks on each side making the piece they have to hold up longer and more precarious.  If the ball falls off, they are out.  Last woman standing, wins.  A million dollar challenge.  And here we go.  Everyone gets through the first five minutes without a hitch.  And then the second five minutes goes pretty well also.  In the third round, Havarti loses it.  She's the first one out.  Blurry Butt and Cirie get to the final round.  This will keep going until someone cracks.  I think Cirie knows she has to win this.  And she looks pretty good, until she doesn't.  She drops the ball and Blurry Butt wins.  Oh my. 

 

Back at Camp Doobie and Blurry Butt is already dreading this decision.  Cirie is a mother of three (I think) and can persuade anyone to do anything.  Havarti has made a lot of enemies on the jury.  It sounds to me like Blurry Butt has made her decision to take Havarti...but again, the producers try to make it less clear.  Cirie tries to convince Blurry Butt that the jury hates her, Cirie, more than Havarti.  It was a good gesture, and a good effort...but I don't think it's going to change anything.  Time for Tribal Council.  Jeffy poo immediately starts interrogating Blurry Butt about having all the power.  And she starts to cry.  Oh no.  Not good.  Juries hate crying...they think it's disingenuous.  They resent her already and now she's crying about being in the final two.  Amanda.  This is stupid.  Pull yourself together.  Blurry Butt explains that Cirie is a great talker, while Havarti played a great social game...so both women are a big threat.  Yeah yeah....we all know you're taking Havarti.  Only one vote counts and that's Blurry Butt's.  Once that vote is read, the decision is final.  The person being voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  The vote...........is for..............Cirie.  I knew it.  I was right.  Thank you thank you.  Havarti and Blurry Butt are in the finals.  Oh my.

 

It's the last day on the island.  Day 39.  If you don't normally watch this show, you may not know that Blurry Butt was on the season immediately preceding this one.  She also made it to the finals in that show too.  So she has been out in the jungle for quite a while.  The girls are all giggles that they made it this far.  And why not.  They both played a great game...although I think Havarti made some seriously bold moves.  Blurry Butt was always loyal to her alliances.  You can never tell how the cookie will crumble with the Jury.  It always comes down to how well or how badly they answer those questions...so we'll see.  The girls burn the shelter after feasting, and while the Hubby grumbles about them burning the whole jungle down, they head off to the last Tribal Council. 

 

Jeffy poo reminds us all how this works.  The Jury is now in charge.  Those eight people will decide your fate.  Time for opening statements.  Blurry Butt thanks everyone for getting her this far....hmmmmm....that wouldn't sit too well with me if I was on the jury....but we'll see.  Havarti says I played a flirty game, a bold game and an aggressive game.  Nice.  Good statement.  So the first Jury member who gets a turn at hanging the girls out to dry is Our Fair Lady of the Buggy Eyes - Miss Doolitte.  Eliza tells the girls they played a very strategic game and they have her respect for that.  But then she tells Havarti that she did a lot of things that weren't necessary like talking about Eliza behind her back.  And then she tells Blurry Butt that she seems very superficial.  Eliza admits she has no idea how she is voting and that their ansewrs tonight will help her make up her mind.  Well thanks for nothing Eliza....that was kind of pointless.  And catty.  <smile>  Love it.

 

Jason is up next and asks Blurry Butt if she had known about the plot to vote off Ozzy, would she have told him.  She doesn't even hesitate and says, yes.  Hmmm....good answer.  Then he asks Havarti what are your redeeming qualities...because we clearly haven't seen too many so far.  Oh my.  Havarti says she was protective of and loyal to her alliance with Blurry Butt and Cirie.  She also says she didn't kill the last chicken and that makes her an animal lover.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok. 

 

Alexis is up next and she asks Havarti what would make her a better role model than Blurry Butt.  Havarti says she's very independent while Blurry Buttjust kind of went along with people in the game.  She says she gets what she wants and she's aggressive and she feels that would make her a better role model.  Hmmmm...maybe.  Alexis then points out to Blurry Butt that the crying at the last Tribal Council made her sick.  See!!!  I told you they wouldn't like that.  Blurry Butt tries to explain that she was genuinely upset and that was the only Tribal Council that she cried at.  But, oh Blurry Butt, you have those big doe eyes that just make women want to slap you sometimes....the Hubby feels it necessary to point out here that Blurry Butt is the prettier of the two and that he thinks the guys will vote for her.  Really?  I think they're both pretty.

 

Then Natalie comes up.  She asks Havarti about all the flirting she did, including with Natalie!  Oh my.  And then asks how does that transalate into your real life, in the bedroom.  <long pause>  Huh?  Jeffy poo is confused too.  I have no idea what she is asking....it may not be relevant though because it may just be to point out that Natalie is a little bi-curious or even more than that.  Who knows.  Very titillating stuff though...much more rated PG-13 than most tribal councils.  Havarti blubbers out some answer that made just about as much sense as the stupid question. And then Natalie goes after Blurry Butt.  She said you had this glazed look on your face all the time, she called her a zombie and a ditzy beauty queen.  MEOW.  Well, I guess we know who Natalie is voting for, huh.  She wanted to know if it was an act....but that's not what she really wanted to know.  She asked the question in passing...she really just wanted to have the opportunity to flay Blurry Butt in front of everyone.  Nice going.  We love the cattiness.

 

Scooper is next to give them a piece of his mind and he says up until a few days ago, Blurry Butt had his vote no questions asked.  But now, based on all her accusations at the Tribal Councils, he questions her friendship.  She says he's sorry....oh, I mean, SHE's sorry and he says it's too late for that.  And that's all he wanted to say.  Huh, nothing for Havarti?

 

Well now it's Cutey Pie's turn.  He basically tells Blurry Butt, you've got my vote.  And then he goes after Havarti.  He wants an explanation.  So she starts flirting again and playfully goes - HAHA, I got you, sucka!!  And that really sends him off...he wanted a sincere answer!  So she says, look, I had no chance of winning against you or Ozzy.  I did what I did.  And that's all you can say about that. 

 

Now it's time for Cirie.  She asks Blurry Butt why Havarti deserves a shot at the million more than Cirie did.  Good question.  Blurry Butt tries to say that Havarti played a bolder, more aggressive game...and Cirie keeps cutting her off, adding, than me?  than me?  HAHAHAHA, there's that manipulative Cirie we love.  Get Blury Butt to tell the jury why they should vote for Havarti.  Then she asks Havarti basically the same question, why she deserves to be in the Final Two more than Cirie.  Havarti had a much better response, even though it wasn't really an answer.  She says you were just as devious as I was, although you played more under the radar.  But you would have gotten votes for being a mother of three, and I'm not a mother.  That's at least an answer that makes sense.  I think Blurry Butt might be in trouble.

 

Did you think that was everybody?  That was only seven.  We have one jury member left,  Do you know who it is?  Well of course you do.  My favorite - Ozzy.  Why'd they save him for last?  Well, let me tell you why.  He gets up there and digs in to Havarti.  He trashes her more than everybody else.  He said you put a price tag on our friendship.  You basically said it wasn't worth it for a million dollars.  He says he felt betrayed.  And then when she looks like she's going to say something, he says no.  I don't want to hear you.  <evil grin>  Then it turns a little, and he says, what I regret the most about your betrayal is not getting to spend another 14 days with Amanda.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  <sniff, sniff>  Then he tells Blurry Butt that she is amazing and he wants everyone to know it, he says he's never felt this way about someone before.  And THEN he says, I think I'm falling in love with you.  OH MY!!  I know I said you boys were easy....but seriously....that's all it takes for us.  Tell us you think you're falling in love....and we're done.  I thought that was so sweet.  And it may have won Blurry Butt a million dollars.

 

It's time to vote.  Now you're voting for who you want to win.  Ozzy obviously votes for Amanda, he says you deserve this so much more than Havarti.  And then the Scooper votes for her....probably swayed by Ozzy, his idol.  Alexis votes for Havarti, and then so does Natalie, who is clearly hoping for a date after the show.  And then Miss Buggy Eyes gets up there and takes....FOR.....EVER!!  She keeps chewing on the bark pen and looking around and holding her head.  Oh, stop being so dramatic Eliza and pick someone already.  Jeffy poo gets the votes and heads back to the States....segue way into the Announcement and the Reunion Show.

 

You need five votes to win.  There has never been a tie.  The votes go - Havarti, Blurry Butt, Havarti, Blurry Butt, Havarti, Blurry Butt.  They're tied at three a piece.  Havarti gets the next one.  If Blurry Butt gets the last one, it's a tie and I have no idea what they do.  But she doesn't.  The winner of Survivor - Fans vs. Favorites is Pavarti Shallow.  Yes.  That is her last name.  I had no idea either....and wow, how ironically appropriate.  I am less upset by this than I thought I would be.  I was rooting for Amanda, probably because that would mean I was still vicariously rooting for Ozzy.  But the Cheese played a good game.  She used her strengths to the best of her capabilities.  And if there is any woman out there who doesn't think you should take full advantage of our manipulation tactics to get what you want....you're a total hypocrite.  Congratulations Havarti.  Good game.

 

The Reunion show was kind of cool, but at this point it's quite late and I have a full blown head cold in the works....so I was kind of drifting in and out.  Havarti explained that she wanted to fly under the radar, but Jonathan outed her as a threat and so she had to play much harder much earlier than she expected.  She said making the alliance with Natalie and Alexis was her best move because that gave her allies on both sides.  Jeffy poo asked Blurry Butt how it feels to spend so much time out in the jungle and not win anything.  Nice question, Jeff.  And she blabbers on about it sucks, and now she doesn't trust people, and blah blah blah.  She sounded a lot more ditzy responding to that question, didn't she?  Jeffy talked to every one of the cast members.  Cutey Pie is still making people happy at the graveyard, his dad is now very popular and he won the Fan Favorite prize of $100,000.  It was kind of sweet how surprised he looked when that happened.  Jeffy poo spent a long time on the Scooper blunder and he was a really good sport about the whole thing.  Johnny Fairplay is engaged to a model and has a baby, who was in the audience and if I am being totally honest, wasn't nearly as cute as people were going on about.  Probably the most important thing we learned though - Ozzy and Amanda are still together.  Awwwwwwwwww...a match made in the jungle.  Who knows?  They could be the next Amber and Rob?  Heehee.

 

This has been a great season of Survivor.  I'm sad that it's over.  Next season they are back in Africa, Gabon to be exact.  I am already going through reality TV withdrawal and so I hope the time flies until then.  Just remember all the life lessons you've learned from this show kids - outwit, outplay and outlast.  Stab your friends in the back, lying gets you what you want, and a million dollars can make everything feel better.  That will get you far in this world...and who knows, you may just fall in love on the way.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

So we're back at Camp Doobie after Blurry Butt's fantastic reversal of fortune.  She is still trying to convince people that she wasn't lying to them about not having the hidden immunity idol.  Who cares what they think Blurry Butt!!!  You just orchestrated a terrific blindside.  Be proud of yourself and revel in their misery.  That's my advice.  The next day Scooper is chatting with Natalie about Blurry Butt's conduct at Tribal Council.  He's all pissy because she called him out in front of the jury.  Awwwww....I don't think he has any idea how devious women can be....that's not a particularly helpful character trait in this game Scooper.  Endearing, but it won't win you a million.  So he tells Natalie that he thinks Blurry Butt should go next.  Of course she should, she is clearly going to be a jury favorite.  Scooper says that he wants to go to Exile to find the next hidden immunity idol and agrees to send Natalie if he wins the challenge.  And just because she likes messing with his head so much, Blurry Butt apologizes to Scooper about the Tribal and just because he's a total wimp he accepts her apology and they agree to take each other on the reward if they win.  <shaking my head>  This guy is unbelievable.  He also agrees to send Havarti to Exile because Blurry Butt tells him that would be a good idea.  Come on dude.  You've got to have more sense than this!?!

 

Time for the reward challenge and it's a trivia game based on all the past seasons of Survivor.  Scooper has to be a favorite to win this game....he's such a freaky obsessed fan....right?  So the first to get four answers right gets to go on a heliocopter ride to some sort of jungle spa for a massage and food.  Sounds nice.  I'll skip through the details, and just say that I was right, Scooper won.  Cirie was right on his heals though with three answers right.  And Scooper tells everyone that because he promised to, he's taking Blurry Butt on the reward.  Natalie looks shocked.  And then he sends Havarti to Exile and now Natalie is pissed.  Oh boy. 

 

So back at Camp Doobie and Cirie is having a blast listening to Natalie wail about how Scooper turned on her.  We had a deal!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....that's priceless.  Natalie goes - If it smells like a rat and looks like rat....Cirie responds, then feed it cheese.  <chuckle>  Cirie is quickly becoming Queen of the One-Liners.  On the heliocopter ride, Scooper admits that he was glad he took Blurry Butt.  I think he has a crush on her....that's so sweet.  Blurry Butt just kind of laughs at him the whole night, but it looked like a nice relaxing reward.  So Havarti is out at Exile soaking in some rays.  She doesn't even bother looking for the idol.  Ok....but you should never get too confident in this game Havarti, you know that better than everyone else.  So when Scooper and Blurry Butt get back from their spa getaway, Cirie is joking with them but Natalie doesn't even look at Scooper.  Nice.  Time to experience some of that hell fury we women can dish out so easily Scooper. 

 

So this is Scooper's amazing plan.  He decides to tell all the girls left on the island something different.  He tells Cirie that he and Havarti should be in the final three with her.  He tells Natalie that they should vote out Amanda.  He tells Amanda he's confused why everyone is angry with him and she's like....dude, didn't you know that we would all end up talking and find out that you had been saying all this?  Come on Scooper.  Girls talk.  We're pros at talking.  We talk about everything that matters and everything that doesn't.  And we especially talk about boys and how nutty they are....and you, my man, are completely nuts.  So the girls think Scooper needs to go.  One of them has to win the immunity challenge.  Without question.

 

So it's time for the Immunity Challenge.  It's like a treasure hunt.  They use coded coordinates to find out where to dig and then they find puzzle pieces which give them their next coordinates and so on and so forth until someone wins.  So Scooper pulls out to an early lead, mainly because he is strong enough to pull his puzzle pieces out of the sand without having to completely unearth them.  Cirie and Blurry Butt stay close, but Natalie and Havarti are pretty much out of it.  And then Scooper gets a huge lead.  It's over.  He's got immunity.  Guaranteed final four and the girls are devastated. 

 

Back at Camp Doobie and the girls are annoyed that Scooper won and that he was trying to work them all over.  Cirie says to Natalie, you know, I bet you could talk him into giving you the immunity necklace.  And immediately Havarti and Blurry Butt are likes YEAH!! YOU COULD DO THAT!!  Natalie seems less convinced though and says, I feel dumb just listening to this plan, but I'll give it a shot.  She talks to Scooper and explains that Cirie is willing to vote off Blurry Butt but she needs a good faith gesture from Scooper, she needs him to give Natalie the necklace before Cirie believes that Scooper is with them.  <chuckle> He's like I don't know about that.  YOU DON"T KNOW??!?  The Hubby is rolling around on the sofa he's so upset with this kid.  I would laugh in your face if you asked me for the immunity, he says.  And I know he's right.  Any guy, who has any experience at all with women, would see right through this bald-faced lie.  But not our Scooper....he seems like he kind of thinks it might work....and then he says to Natalie, well what about voting Havarti off instead.  Natalie goes back to Cirie and Cirie says, yes, tell him anything.  We've got him on the line, we just need to reel him in.  And I think she might be right....I think she might be right.  This will be the most amazing feat in Survivor history if the girls can pull this off.  Cirie has another great idea and tells Blurry Butt and Havarti to really give it to Scooper at Tribal, while she and Natalie stay quiet.  She says if Scooper thinks he's got his back up against the wall with the jury, it might help him make up his mind.  <evil wringing of my hands>  This is an excellently devious plan.  If it works.

 

Time for Tribal Council.  Scooper talks about redeeming himself when he decided to take Blurry Butt on the reward.  Havarti talks about her nice litle vacation on Exile and how she was glad she wasn't around to hear Scooper talking about everyone to everyone else.  She just opened the door.  She talks about all his plotting in front of the jury and Scooper pathetically tries to defend himself.  Blurry Butt and Havarti gang up on him and tell him he's not very loyal to anyone.  Scooper talks about redeeming himself in front of the jury and Cirie helps him along.  She says words mean nothing, you have to prove yourself with actions.  Oh.  That was quite brilliant.  Jeffy poo asks Scooper about the immunity necklace, he says it's yours unless you want to give it to someone else.  And then he hesitates.  Liza's eyes are practically bugging out of her head.  Ozzy and Cutey Pie have dumbfounded looks on their faces.  And here it comes, Scooper says I have to prove myself, I have to do something to redeem myself.  I want to give the necklace to Natalie.  The girls are cool while they try to hold in the hysterical laughs and smiles.  Everyone on the jury practically falls off the bench.  Even Jeffy poo is shaking his head.  It's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Scooper voted for Havarti.  The girls voted for Scooper.  And everyone is getting so much pleasure out of this brilliant play.  The Hubby is screaming at the TV - You had it in the bag!!  They can't beat you at challenges!!  What were you thinking!!??  Jeffy poo, after extinguishing Scooper's torch and sending him on his way, says That....was what you call a life lesson.  No doubt.  Havarti called him the dumbest survivor ever.  Cirie said, my momma always said you might not beat them with these (pointing to her muscles) but you can always beat with them with these (pointing to her brains).  Nice.  Biggest manipulation in the history of this show.  Cutey Pie stands up and says I lost my reign as dumbest survivor ever.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Poor Scooper.  He'll never trust women again.

 

So that's the final four - Cirie, Blurry Butt, Havarti and Natalie.  All devious scheming women.  I think we're about to see some claws bared.  The finale is on this Sunday, don't forget!!

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It's time people.  Time to thin the herd.  Survival of the fittest.  All that nonsense.  The four will become three.  I hope we all know who is going home tonight (Dreads) so think of this as an hour-long farewell to his pretty eyes, quirky hair and totally annoying inability to say anything useful while being interviewed by Seacrest.  Speaking of Ryan, he is here as usual in a nice black striped tie and his pointy hair.  51 million people voted...or 51 million votes were cast....or more likely, that's a totally made up number that no one can actually verify.  Randy is wearing some kind of black shirt and lots of beads (did you notice that?), Paula has another totally inappropriate evening gown on, and Simon is wearing his steadfast black.  Seacrest starts grilling Randy about why he was so clearly wrong last night about Syesha and Randy defends himself, unsuccessfully.  Then he asks Simon why he seemed angry.  <chuckle>  I didn't catch the answer to that, but obviously because of the people who really really sucked last night Ryan, come on (Dreads).  The kiddies are singing together....not so good.  We forwarded through it.

 

Back from the break and Ryan is talking about the Tour, which starts on July 1.  Tickets are not on sale yet, just in case you were wondering.  So we're going to bring the kiddies up one at a time, right away.  Napoleon is up first and after Seacrest tries to get some kind of conherent response out of him, we find out he's safe.  Seriously, doesn't it just seem like he just blurts out random words sometimes?  Like every third word of the thought he has in his creepy alien brain.  It makes no sense at all. 

 

Now we get to learn about the Vegas trip the kiddies had this week.  They got to fly on their own 737 (that had a bedroom in it!!!) to Vegas to see the Beatles show performed by Circque De Soleil.  Kind of cool.  I've been there....in Vegas I mean.  So Captain Cook gets his sentence read next.  Randy tells him to stay original and Cookie talks about how out of sorts he was yesterday....yeah, yeah.  He's safe.  But we knew that, cause Dreads is obviously going home this week.  Seacrest tries to trick us into thinking he's blabbing out the loser right now....but we know better Ryan.  We're not all as dumb as you think we are....

 

Here's the weird Ford commercial of the week - the kiddies are bull fighting, and the "bull" is a Ford Mustang.  Yeah, the new Mustangs are pretty hot looking, aren't they.  But not the kiddies in those awful clown costumes (remember I hate clowns).  Now it's time for viewer phone calls....<sigh>....they better not do this again next year.  First call is for Cookie, the little lady wants to know if she can go out with him when the Tour is in Pittsburgh and he's trying to be nice and not say NO YOU PSYCHO STALKER!!! by saying, what are you interested in?  Note to self - when a guy asks what you're interested in....he really doesn't care.  The next question is for them all - what has been your biggest challenge.  Syesha says stage fright.  Napoleon has lost his grasp of the English language.  And Dreads says....not joking....the brain being dead.  <long pause>  If he doesn't go home this week, I am going to beat my head into the sliding glass patio door.  The next question is for Simon - why hasn't the Queen knighted you?  <chuckle>  Of course he loved that question.  "I ask myself that everyday."  The next question is for Syesha, what's it like being the last girl left?  And she says she's proud of herself and then makes a reference to the Ford commercial shenanigans...which of course no one else understood....but whatever.  Have you gotten any feedback from the bands you've covered.  Just Cookie, when they complained he was ripping them off without giving them credit, probably.  Last question is for Simon - have you ever acted?  Because you could be the next James Bond?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That's hysterical, but come on...Daniel Craig is so totally gorgeous.  You cannot seriously replace him with the Cowell?  But Simon loves the question anyway.

 

Maroon 5 is performing now.  A single off their new album.  Adam Levine (the lead singer) reminds me of the new Dr. Who....but he would, right?  He's got the awesome arching eyebrow thing going on.  <smile>  Pinstripes are cool.  I suggest to the Hubby he needs a pinstriped suit and he says that would make him look like a pimp or a gangster from the 1920's.....I don't think so, I think it would be cool.  Paula is dancing, as usual.  It's a nice song but not a really great message for the tweeners, huh?  Seacrest goes to talk to him after the song, and holy cow he is short, heehee....Seacrest I mean.  Adam tells the kiddies to expect to work really hard and then hate what they do.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Great advice. 

 

Then we get to hear Bo Bice, or Bogey as he is affectionately known, sing from his new album.  His long hair looks just as frizzy as it did when he was on Season Four.  He sounds great, he's got his own sound now though that doesn't really show off how great his voice is....He's playing the guitar and he's got a real Jim Morrison vibe going on.  It's kind of a repetitive song and I can't really understand the lyrics...but trust me he is a fantastic singer.  After his song, Seacrest asks him about using the instruments during the competition and he says the kiddies need to make sure they balance it out between focusing on their voices.  And then Seacrest blabs out that Bogey's wife is expecting a Baby Bice.  That's great.  Congratulations. 

 

Moving on.  During the commercial we find out that Spacey Ace is going to be on Bones Monday.  The Space Man is another ex-Idoler.  He didn't win anything...but was apparently very popular with some people.  I don't remember liking him very much...So let's get down to it.  Between Syesha and Dreads.  Dreads tells us he did pack his bags, according to Simon's advice.  He says, in a remarkably easy to understand response, that his inexperience is showing through and this has become overwhelming.  Seacrest wants to know why Syesha was so emotional.....which I believe she has already answered about four thousand times.  Syesha is through to the next round.  Dreads is going home.  Here's a recap of his comedy of errors.  Seacrest points out that he seems relieved.  He sings 'I Shot the Sheriff' again, and now he's just being silly and quirky and having fun.  And so Fox cuts it off in the middle of the song.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  NO ROOM NO ROOM!! 

 

So we're down to the final three.  Two Guys, A Girl and the Whole World Waiting.  Next week they get to sing three songs.  Wooohooooo!!

 

Later gators,

Heather

There's only four of them left people.  Only four contestants left.  Seacrest is wearing a striped tie tonight and his pointy haired head looks a little lop-sided, but whatever.  He tells us anything can happen, no one is safe, nothing is guaranteed.  Way to be super melodramatic there, Ryan.  Thanks.  Randy is wearing a weird looking red v-neck thingy.  Paula has another glittery dress on and Simon is wearing the same grey v-neck we've seen ten thousand times before....come on Simon....shake it up a little.  So tonight the kiddies are supposed to be singing rock and roll classics.  This should be interesting.  I have a feeling Cookie is going to excel at this...so the producers decide all the uneducated MTV heathens that watch this show need a history lesson on rock.  After that we have to get down to it because the kiddies are singing two songs each again tonight.  Ryan makes a point of saying they will be judged after each song...and the judges are relieved.  So are we, judges.  I don't think I can handle seeing Paula self-destruct again.  <snicker>  I know, I know....so bad at lying. 

 

Anyway, so Captain Cook is up first.  First?  Really?  Not usually a good sign.  The first song he is singing tonight is Hungry Like The Wolf by DuranDuran.  Yeah.  I'm really not kidding.  All the songs in the rock and roll repertoire....and he picks DuranDuran.  The Hubby is protesting vehemently.  I really like Cookie's voice, but this song does nothing for him.  I really like the song too, you know because I'm addicted to the 80's and all....but again...he could have picked a much better song.  Randy said it was an ok choice of song and a good performance.  Paula said she liked it, rah rah.  Simon said it was kind of 'copy-cat' for you, not what we were expecting, but good.  And there's that smug smirk that Cookie likes to give the audience to show us how pleased he is with himself.  <smile>  Nice.

 

Syesha is next up and she is just so adorable.  She chats with Ryan about how excited she is about the Tour...ok.  And tonight, she is singing Proud Mary, sung by Tina Turner among others.  Oh boy.  Another big song.  She has her little Tina Turner dress on...and the singing is pretty good.  But then she starts dancing and hopping around the stage...just like Tina....and it's awesome.  You just have to smile at that.  She's so comfortable on that stage, performing for people.  If she doesn't make it in this competition, she will be on TV for the rest of her life or a HUGE Broadway star.  She is fabulous.  Randy said she is gaining momentum and in the zone.  Paula said you look like a star.  And then Simon....Simon said it was a bad shrieky version, a bad impersonation.  Oh boy...he is totally ignoring the performance factor she has and I don't think that's totally fair.  All the boys are ogling her, Seacrest makes a comment about 'her moves'....dear Lord.  Men are so predictable...but what a good idea Syesha!  Give 'em a little sex appeal, that'll get you some votes too!!  Very smart.

 

Dreadilocks is singing for us now and he picked Bob Marley.  I Shot the Sheriff.  I guess because he has dreads too.  I guess.  But this is definitely not Bob Marley.  I don't like it....at all.  It sounds like he should be playing that ukelele he bought....what a nightmare.  If I'm not being fair because I just don't like him anymore...well tough.  That's the way it goes when you're the one writing the blog.  This was a bust.  Randy really didn't like it either, he called it really bad karaoke.  Ouch.  Paula said you performed well to the audience...yeah, I guess.  But then she said she wasn't crazy about it either.  Now it's Simon's turn.  Oh boy...this is gonna be brutal.  Simon said it was utterly atrocious, as bad as I've ever heard, what are you THINKING?  If you want some advice, Jason, don't sing any more Bob Marley.  <chuckle>  Good advice, Simon. 

 

Last in the foursome tonight is Napoleon of the Goofy Voice.  <sigh>  I do admit that I have been abnormally harsh on this kid....but he still creeps me out.  He is singing Stand By Me.  Oh....this is one of my absolute favorite songs.  Like ever.  I LOVE this song...so he better not butcher it.  And boy....he really doesn't.  This is beautiful.  He's smiling, his eyes are open.  <sigh>  I guess I have to say he did a great job....but he's still creepy.  Randy says every time you sing, you're great.  Paula points out that he communicated with his eyes, taking the advice of Andrew Lloyd Webber.  Simon thought he struggled at the end, but the best performance of the night so far.  Hmmmm...I don't think Simon likes him that much....or maybe he doesn't like Daddy.  Seacrest is trying to chat with Napoleon after the performance and he says you always look like you're gonna pass out up here listening to what the judges have to say.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  THANK YOU for pointing that out!!  And then Napoleon goes, their faces scare me.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  You must be joking.  They scare you?!?!?  Ok, if that isn't proof this kid is from Mars, I don't know what is...but he won Round 1, with Syesha coming in a close second.

 

We're back from commercial and Ryan goes, thanks for coming back.  (????)  Um....you're welcome?  <shaking my head>  Cookie should be in his element, but something is off tonight.  You can just tell he's not that comfortable.  Maybe he's having blood pressure issues again.  His second song is Baba O'Riley by The Who.  Who?  HAHAHAHAHAHHA.  Another weird choice.  He has a really strong voice and the performance was pretty cool.  I like the way he built it up.  Randy said there's something different about you tonight, but you were great.  Paula is humbled to be watching his soul.....<shaking my head>.....Simon said, welcome back David Cook.  Yeah...welcome back.  That was much better.

 

Syesha picked A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cook for her second performance.  Wow.  An iconic song.  It's a beautiful dress, not a color I could ever wear but it looks good on her.  And this is very emotional...she is emoting, as the judges like to say.  Wow....I think she hit that one right out of the ballpark.  Fantastic.  Randy didn't like it as much as the first song, he didn't like the arrangement.  Humph.  Randy...you're a moron.  He said she was trying to be something she's not.  Nonononononononono....you're wroooooooooooooooooooooooong.  Paula said something about orchestrating her vocals and then she started blabbing about how Syesha has changed and now she's making her cry, then she gives her a standing ovation and Paula and Syesha are both crying at this point.  Oh boy.  Simon says, listen...I have to be fair....and I'm going to agree with.................Paula.  <smile>  Everyone gets on Randy for being such an idiot, Simon says - you made her cry!  HAHAHAHAHA.  One of the better performances from this little lady, no question.

 

Dreads is up again and now he's singing Bob Dylan.  Shoot me now.  I am so not a Bob Dylan fan.  Sooooooooooooooo not.  Tambourine Man...a nice folksy classic, right up his alley...and my opinion is just completely slanted against this kid now.  There is absolutely no hope of getting an objective opinion out of me.  Sorry.  I think he sucks.  He forgot some lines, now he's playing too fast.  Another awful performance.  Randy says, how do you think you did?  Never a good sign when Randy starts by asking questions....Paula said it is what it is.  Simon says, I'd pack your suitcase.  I agree Dreads.  If you don't go home this week, it will be a travesty.  I would have voted for everyone except you....if I voted, I mean.

 

Last to sing for the night is little Napoleon.  He picked Elvis Presley, Love Me Tender.  Wow.  Really?  He wanted to sing something romatic or whatever he said.  Ok.......he's in a stool in a spotlight singing with the piano.....and he's squinting his eyes again.  <sigh>  But this is beautiful.  I mean relaly beautiful.  The ending gave me chills, no joke.  And not because he's creepy, because it was so pretty.  Randy said you carressed every word...that sounded creepy Randy.  Paula said it was her favorite performance from him.  Simon said you didn't beat the competition....you crushed them.  Oh man......I guess I agree.  El Creepo is definitely going to be here another week.  He was DYNAMITE!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.  Ahhhhh, I make myself laugh....

 

Dreads is going home.  If he doesn't....I'm not watching ever again.  <wink>

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

 

We're back at Camp Doobie.  Yes, Survivor is still on....yes I should have written about this last week when the show actually aired.  Yes, yes, yes.  So now Cutey Pie has an infected finger.  You must be joking.  Infections out here in the jungle appear to be no laughing matter.  In fact, infections here in Micronesia seem to be getting rid of more Survivors than Cirie at this point.  <shaking my head>  This does not bode well for Cutey.  The next morning, because she was annoyed that no one was paying attention to her now that Ozzy is gone, Alexis is limping around because she fell flat on her face while trying to leap and dance through the jungle during the middle of the night.  Ok...I'm making up part of that, but her leg really was hurt. 

 

No time for tears, we're off to the Reward Challenge.  Each of the Survivors has this little statue of themselves sitting out on the target shelf.  Nice.  I want a statue.  I may make myself a statue, just to be weird.  Glasses.  A big fat head.  And a mini TV welded to my side.  <smile>  Ok, so anyway.  This is the poll challenge.  You have to answer a whole list of questions about everyone and then after Jeffy poo tallies the answers, you have to answer the way you think everyone else answered.  And just to make it more interesting they bring in the family members.  <sigh>  Always an emotional time.  Everyone blubbering all over each other.  Cutey Pie is the spitting image of his dad.  Cirie and hubby are cute together.  So if they win, they get to hang out with family all day in Jellyfish Pond.  Non-stinging jellyfish, but the Hubby immediately looked at me and was like there is no way I would do that.  Well, good.  There is no way I would ever be on this show, so I guess we're even.  When the Survivors get the challenge right, they get to chop a rope on somebody else's statue and if they chop three ropes on the same statue, it gets destroyed and that person is out of the game.  So the Survivors answer all their questions, and now the game is on.  Havarti is out first, then Scooper, then Cutey Pie, then Cirie and then Natalie.  It's up to Cirie to decide who wins - Alexis or Amanda and she gives it to Alexis.  Huh?  Really?  Cause you know Amanda is in your alliance, Cirie....this doesn't look good for her.  So Alexis gets to pick two more Survivors to go with her to the Jelly Pond and she picks Natalie and Cirie.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I hope somebody is paying attention to this stuff.  Now somebody has to go to Exile, where there is yet another hidden idol.  How many is that now, three?  And one fake one <snicker>?  Blurry Butt pretty much volunteers to go....I think her instincts are good, I think she knows she's in trouble.

 

So after the challenge the Aussie doctor has to look at Cutey Pie's finger.  It's swollen, it's infected.  She tells him it could affect the joints or even his whole hand and so she's pulling him out of the game.  He seems resolved to it, knowing he'll need his hands for work after this game show is over....and at least he doesn't cry about it like Jonathan did.  He says goodbye and Havarti acts really sad.  Oh please.  You evil little woman.  You were trying to get rid of him before, and now he's gone.  You should be happy you don't have to vote him out....that may possibly help you in the end.  So I am very sad.  The sexiest Survivor ever is off the show because he hurt his....finger.  Seriously.  That is just so pathetically ironic.

 

Out in the Jelly Pond, Cirie tells the camera maybe she doesn't have to be afraid of everything anymore.  You're wrong Cirie.  You do.  Nature is gross and creepy and crawly.  Trees are ok.  And the sky.  And maybe grass.  But everything else is yucky and I don't recommend being near it for long periods of time.  So they go back to Camp Doobie and everyone learns about Cutey Pie.  Scooper is the only guy left.  Oh boy.  Alexis' leg still hurts and so Havarti asks her is she wants to be voted out.  Looking for the easy way aren't we Havarti?  Well, she needs some people who are the very least not her mortal enemies on the jury if she has a chance of winning (which I don't think she has, by the way).  But Alexis is like, no, I'm good.  Thanks for being so concerned.  Yeah, right.  Out on Exile, Amanda has to wade through the sea, dig like forty feet of trenches, but she does it.  She finds the Idol, or rather the clue for the Idol which is back at camp.  I hope somebody has a chance to use this thing....maybe all it takes is for a girl to have it.

 

Time for the Immunity Challenge.  This should be good.  Blurry Butt learns about Cutey Pie when she gets to the Challenge with everybody else, and she is clearly upset by it.  Why not, he was one of her few allies left on the beach,  Today the six Survivors have to shoot a gun at their colored bottles.  Whoever shoots all three of their bottles first, wins.  This is like a carnival game...and I am so bad at those.  That whole hand-eye coordination defect I was born with....so the girls think anyone can win except for Scooper so they can stick with their plan of voting off all the men and starving to death since they have no one to work for them anymore.  <smile>  Meow, I am so catty.  Anyway, just like the best laid plans, their's totally sucks and Scooper wins Immunity.  So now the scramble is on...who will the girls cannibalize first?

 

As soon as they get back to Doobie, Blurry Butt empties her bags to prove to everyone that she doesn't have the Idol.  Smart.  Very smart.  You don't need anyone knowing that stuff.  Then she tells Havarti that she has the Idol and <shaking my head>  Our Lovable Little Cheesehead is like how'd you hide it so quickly?  You dumbass.  Anyway, after Blurry Butt explains it real slow and Havarti finally gets it, she says I need your help getting it out of the sand.  Back in the cave, the other girls are talking about who to vote out and Havarti suggests Alexis because she's hurt and Natalie says no, I think Blurry Butt should go.  HA!  I knew it.  That is a good choice, considering Blurry Butt has practically no enemies.  But surprisingly, Havarti says she can't vote against her friend.  Wow....loyalty from this girl?  Very strange.  So Blurry Butt is trying to get Scooper to vote with her and trying to get Cirie to vote with her.  Scooper tells her first, pretty much flat out, I'm voting for you not with you.  Cirie says she has to go with the girls...which isn't really true, Cirie just wants to get rid of Blurry Butt too.  Oh man....I really hope she finds that Idol....that would be so fantastic.

 

It's time for Tribal Council.  The Jury walks in and here is Cutey Pie with an IV on his arm....ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...but he still looks great, doesn't he?  So Jeffy poo gets on the topic of Blurry Butt and why she's getting voted off and Blurry Butt brilliantly explains to the Jury that Scooper is not backing her up even though she kept him in the game earlier.  Nice.  Give them as much fodder as you can...you have to get in their heads early you know.  It's not just the finale that sways them. It's everything they see and hear up till the finale too.  So everyone else is pretty much like, look, we have to vote for you, you're too strong.  And Blurry Butt is looking really sad....a little too sad, in fact.  This is an act.  I'm sure of it.  Oh pleasepleasepleaseplease have the Idol!!!  Please!!!!!!!!!!!  It's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person being voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Jeffy poo asks if anyone has the Idol....<long pause>.....come ooooooooooooooooooooooooon!!  And then she does it.  Blurry Butt leans over behind her and goes, about that Jeff....hands him the Idol and my heart is racing I am so excited right now!!!  YES!!!  Alexis and Natalie look bewildered.  You're playing with the Favorites, ladies....don't ever forget that!  Blurry Butt was an awesome contestant...she still is....obviously.  So, none of the votes against her will count.  This is gonna be brilliant.  Four votes for Amanda, which would have been enough to send her home, none of which count.  The last two votes are for Alexis....Natalie may have been a better choice....but Blurry Butt still has a grudge against Alexis for stealing her man.  Nice.  Alexis is dumbfounded.  The hidden immunity idol has finally been successfully played.  Awesome.  Awesome.  Awesome. 

 

Five Survivors left, we're getting pretty close to the finale!!  My money is on Blurry Butt...she's just too good for this show....

 

Later gators,

Heather

So I'm late writing this.  Again.  Please send your donations for the 'Heather Would Love To Be Able to Support Her Entire Family By Writing This Blog Every Day and Doing Nothing Else' fund to Germantown, care of me.  Thanks.  Last Wednesday was the vote-off show.  The vote-off shows have been an hour long all season....and boy have they filled them up with plenty of filler this year.  It's all pretty predictable at this point though, but I'll walk you through it anyway.  Ryan is here and his striped tie doesn't really match that suit but he's so pretty I'm sure no one cares.  The show apparently started early again...because the DVR missed the first thirty seconds or so.  Ryan tells us that 45 million people voted, which is of course not enough to keep him from chastizing us about not voting enough.  Randy and Simon are wearing v-neck sweaters...Randy at least is not showing off any gross chest hair.  Paula has a cute little black and white dress on, trying to look as sane and sober as possible.  You go, girl.  The kiddies are up first, singing their tribute to Neil Diamond.  <sigh>  They're swaying back and forth on a bench and this looks like a scene out of Rent and it is super cheesy.  Brookie has that deer in the headlights look of total terror....maybe because everyone sounds awful.  Good Lord, what a train wreck.

 

Ex-Idolers Gina Glocksen and Constantine whatever his name is are in the audience pimping out their show which is ironically about American Idol.  <pause>  Really?  You want to talk about the show that didn't think you were good enough, and was apparently right because neither of you have singing careers...instead you're on some kind of gossip show.  How pathetic.  Seriously....and Seacrest tries so hard to make it sound cool.  Carrie Underwood is on the Idol stamp this week.  Did you know you can put your own face on a stamp now...I think the Kodak website let's you do it....NICE.  And now it's time for the recap of last night's show.  Seacrest defends Paula's crazy behavior and says the rumors are not true.  What rumors, Seacrest?  That she's high on painkillers most nights....or drunk on whatever happens to be in her coke glass....or maybe she's just kind of dumb.  Either way, don't defend it.  Paula is awesome.  I can always count on her for some excellent blog-able bits.

 

Now it's time to bring the kiddies up one by one for their Judgment.  Dreads is up first.  Blah blah blah, chatter chatter chatter.  And he is safe.  What?  Oh whatever.  Napoleon is up next and everyone is trying to get him to have fun...and it's just not going to happen.  He's a Stepford Son and I'm getting to the point where I really want to slap him.  Anyway, he's safe too.  What a creepy kid.

 

Now we get a preview of - So You Think You Can Dance...probably the worst name for a TV show ever.  Just way too long, right?  Now Randy models the winning Coke cup design.  Have there been about four thousand different competitions related to the show this year, or is it just me?  All kinds of things you can win this year...Captain Cook comes out and he's safe, but we knew that.  So it's either Syesha or Brookie...another girl going home.

 

But FIRST, Natasha Bedingfield is going to sing for us "Pocket Full of Sunshine'.  I have heard this song a million times, it's one of those songs that gets stuck in your head.  She's pretty good live though and she is apparently in love with Napoleon....oh dear.  She runs over after she's done singing and gives him a hug and wow...that wasn't awkward or anything....Seacrest tells her Napoleon wants to invite her to the prom.  Um, first of all, no he doesn't.  Second, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 

 

Time for viewer questions, my least favorite part of this show.  Why is Paula so nice to the contestants?  Oh come on....because it's easier than being mean, and whatever she's on just mellows her out, man.  Actually, she gave a really nice coherent answer to this, much to my disappointment.  Is Paula going to do another video with Randy?  Stupid question.  I don't know what they said.  Then this lady gets on the phone and asks Simon which was more memorable - your kiss with Paula, or your kiss with me?  What, WHAT?!?!  This is apparently the girl who gave him his first kiss when he was 9 years old.  Nice, this was actually very sweet.  Until Simon asked her if she was still cute.  Yeah Simon, just the same as when I was 9.  No boobs, no figure, still into Barbies and horses.  <sigh>  Men can be real morons sometimes...

 

The Ford commercial this week is a hippy green commercial with a Hybrid SUV (the irony of the century).  Green hippies is an image that makes me laugh....even though it's not a totally accurate image.  <chuckle>  Green hippies.  After that, Neil Diamond sings for us - Pretty Amazing Grace.  It's nice, as long as you like his voice which I do.  Simon and Neil have some kind of history, that neither of them seems to want to talk about.  And stupid Seacrest doesn't push it.  We would all really like to know what happened Ryan!!  This is why you will never be the King of All Media....that will always be Mr. Stern.  Sorry.  Howard could have figured out what deep dark secret they had hidden in their past...no doubt.

 

So anyway, it's time to give one of the girls the axe.  Seacrest talks to them and then...finally....we find out that Brookie is going home.  Excellent choice America.  And because I'm evil and I wallow in other people's misery....this was just about the best thing ever.  Brookie starts bawling...I don't mean tears streaming down, a few little hiccups.  I mean bawling her eyes out.  She is sobbing and a total mess and this is a totally appropriate way for her to exit the show.  After her Idol Recap, she's still crying and she thanks the audience and then she has to sing.  And it is awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwful.  Some people sound fabulous when they're high on emotions.  Not Brookie.  She sounds terrible.  She doesn't even get through the whole song.  Cookie was looking at her like she had two heads.  She walks upstage after she stops singing, Seacrest is obviously trying to calm her down, and the show fades to black.  That was great.  Dramatic and satisfying.  If only all of reality was like this.....

 

Down to four.

 

Later gators,

Heather