I honestly hope none of you expected me to write anything while the Olympics has been sucking the life force out of me for the past two weeks….I have never been more sleep deprived in my life.  Of course the best Olympics ever has to be aired primarily in the middle of the night…of course, because the world hates me like that.  I love the Olympics….it’s not that I’m an especially patriotic person, and certainly not because I’m especially athletic <chuckle>….I’m not totally sure what it is that keeps me taping my eyelids open at 1 am to make sure I catch the end of beach volleyball.  I mean…ok….here’s a good example - I’ve been watching basketball for crying out loud…and I never watch basketball.  Right?  So, before I completely lose my grip on reality, let’s talk about the last two weeks.  There have been some completely ridiculous performances. 

·         Lezak in the pool defying the laws of physics.  That was made all the better because of those asinine announcers totally writing him off halfway through the last lap….and then here he comes back…..and the announcers are equally as shocked as the rest of us and of course the incredibly beautiful body of Mr. Michael Phelps flexing in glorious exultation.  Seriously….if you weren’t standing on your couch screaming at the top of your lungs – SWIM SWIM YOU MOTHERF*******!!! then you’re probably an alien robot about to switch on and attempt to conquer the planet.  Just an FYI.

·         Phelps basically willing his body to grow an extra inch to eke out that win in the 100m butterfly.  Did you think he won?  Did you really?  Did you think…even for a moment….oh s**t, they’ve fixed it.  They’ve fixed it so he’ll win.  I know all about the Omega time-keeping technology in the pool….they went over that before this race even happened.  But it looked like ….<shaking my head>……and then because NBC knows we’re all true sports fans….they must have shown it eight hundred times.  In super slo-mo.  And a hundredth of a second really does look that close.  And how brilliant was it…how earth-shatteringly brilliant was it when you realized for the first time….and whispered out….. 'oh my God.  I think he really won.’

·         Shawn ‘Minnie Mouse’ Johnson with that adorable smile actually sounding somewhat sincere when she said she was happy for Nastia.  How old is this kid?  Like 12?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Seriously, if I had even half the aplomb at this age that this little tiny gymnast has….I may have actually fulfilled my plans for world-wide domination by now.  I know they’re friends and all….but come on….if everyone had been calling you the favorite for forever….and your “friend” ended up beating you, you’d hate her.  Plain and simple.  That is the normal, human reaction to losing.  Hate.  But not this little Pippy Longstocking angel.  Not this girl.  And karma likes sincerity Shawn.  You got your gold in the end.  You just had to be patient.

·         The unbeatable Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor.  They didn’t lose one set, did they?  Not one.  And how cool is it ladies to see two women who actually look like real women being ogled.  Nice.  That was reassuring.  If fat ass America can start looking up to these ladies, if our little teeny boppers can start emulating them….we may be ok. 

·         And speaking of volleyball, I hope you all watched the men’s team bring home the gold last night.  It was close.  Spain is a very good team.  But they had to win….they just had to win.  That poor coach…his father-in-law stabbed to death….I cannot even imagine.  They would have never been in China if it weren’t for the coach.  But he got a moment, one good moment that brought happy tears to his eyes and gave me shivers.  That was a great game.

I’m completely addicted, completely totally hopelessly addicted.  I got to see the Americans wallop the competition in fencing.  And you knew I was watching that, right? I mean….swords?  No, not just swords….sabers.  Like light sabers.  Heeheeheeheehee.  And the American shot-putter….shot-putter? Is that even a word….anyway, the American shot-putter, after an upset win, saying all she wants to do is meet Mary Lou Retton….<smile>.  Small moments and big moments….pushing and bending and breaking the human body in ways that seem so freakishly un-American.  This fast food nation….despite our morbidly obese epidemic, we have a weirdly passionate spirit for competition.  And me?  Despite the very obvious fact that it will never be me diving effortlessly from 10 meters up making a little tiny splash, or spiking the ball in someone’s face, or leaping over hurdles…..I get so caught up in these moments.  Small moments and big moments…..moments that make you think, sleep schmeep…..glad I stayed up for that one.

Of course, thanks to the three or four hours of REM a night, I have been having some weird dreams.  Well…nightmares.  I usually only have nightmares when I’m sick or Skywalker forces me to watch some especially gruesome horror movie.  But neither was the case this week….it was an entirely unprovoked nightmare.  About a bad guy.  A bogeyman.  Scary monster.  Blah blah blah.  I don’t really remember the nightmare, that wasn’t the actual point of this conversation…the nightmare actually just made me think of Villains.  Well, the nightmare and the four thousands promos they’ve been showing during the Olympics for the best show ever – Heroes.  Yes, yes…this season is called Villains.  How awesome is that?  Villains are always the coolest characters, aren’t they?  They’re always more interesting, more screwed up, more bent than anybody else.  Which is probably part of the definition of ‘villain’…but because of all that, they’re more entertaining. 

Now, maybe not all of us here in Audit-Land consider ourselves to be villains….but trust me, every single person we audit thinks we are.  So…here is what I propose.  Embrace it, people.  If you’re the “bad guy”…be the bad guy.  I can hear you through the computer screen saying….but Heather….everyone roots for the hero, not the villain.  The hero always wins.  The hero gets the girl.  And the marketing deal.  Ok, ok, ok…..let’s weigh the options through my highly objective and scientific process called – “listing reasons why I’m right.”  Heroes have guilt.  Villains have none.  Heroes have responsibility.  Villains have none.  Heroes have to help everyone else first.  Villains can worry about themselves.  Huh?  Starting to come around?  Ok, how about this….villains are evil geniuses.  Heroes always need the nerdy comedy-relief side kick to handle all the thinking.  Now….you don’t want to be stupid, do you boys and girls?  Naaaaaaaaaah….I didn’t think so.

Now consider your role models – Lex Luthor, Lord Voldemort, The Joker, Mr. Blonde, The Wicked Witch of the West, and of course Darth Vader.  Now please don’t think I am equating villains to psychopathic killers.  No Michael Myers, Hannibal Lector, Patrick Batemen.  None of that.  Slaughtering people gives me the eebie geebies and blood makes me nauseous so evil psycho-killers are clearly not what I am referring to….more evil genius/mad scientist types.  Not so much blood-soaked limb-chopping serial killer.  A little gratuitous violence is of course ok….just don’t be gross.  Be cool. 

Villains also get the best lines and the best clothes.  The have the coolest soundtracks, the coolest names and die in the most glorious ways.  Think about it….why are people attracted to the bad ones?  The bad girls and the bad boys always get waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more lusty looks than the good guys.  Why is that?  Cause they’re cooler.  Because people will always consider me to be somewhat evil…without even having met me….because of what I do, I have decided to embrace it.  My ridiculously large bowling ball head and matching body, the way my voice makes me sound like I’m five years old when I leave a message on someone’s phone, my freakishly bad coordination, my inability to drive really well…..never mind all that.  Skywalker used to tell people I worked for the IRS because she couldn’t remember where I actually worked….and people feared me.  It was awesome.

So the last two weeks have taught me I basically have two choices for My Future –

1.      Become an Olympic Champion

2.      Become an Evil Villain

Now, just based on the levels of effort involved in both of those choices, my aversion to sweat and Nature and because my vote is the only one that counts….we’re going with #2.  I already have the wardrobe for this but I probably should make a few other adjustments.  I should probably get myself a bad scar and some dramatic eyeliner….I’ll shave the Pumpkin bald and give her an eyepatch…..I will leer at people and develop a tic……yeah, I think I could be really good at this.  <evil grin>

Later gators,

Darth Heather            

“One may smile, and smile, and be a villain!”

-Hamlet, Shakespeare