It’s Thursday night and we have a gazillion shows to watch.  Bizarro is on Smallville.  We find out if that guy lives on CSI.  And of course, we find out if Neela lives on ER.  But first, the night kicks off to one of the best reality competitions on (Amazing Race is by far the best) – Survivor baby!  As the show starts, the Tigers are quickly descending into chaos, otherwise known as Bland Man’s (Dave) leadership skills.  What an ass….I mean seriously….What.  An.  Ass.  People who are passive aggressive should never be allowed to lead anything….unless it’s a march into the nearest insane asylum.  You can’t argue with people like this, as Pay Per View is quickly realizing.  And Bland Man has a vision, which no peon will dissuade him from.  He must build the most awesome stone barbecue pit ever seen in the Chinese outback….and if takes the entire 39 days to do it….well, that’s just how its gonna be…except of course for the fact that everyone is starving.  The Little Princess (Jaime) is hunnnnnnnnngreeee and wants a little fire to cook a little rice.  And Bland Man says ixne on the icre….there is work to be done on his monument to the Chinese fire god Smok-e-bayr. 

The Dragons seem to be getting along well enough, except of course for the People Reader Poker Player – Mr. Jean Robert, who apparently thinks sleeping and slacking off is an excellent strategy for making his work later in the game appear Herculean.  Listen.  This may have worked in high school when you didn’t want your parents to have ridiculous expectations for you to get straight A’s…..but we’re out in the wilderness here People Reader with rabid pandas and mud and bamboo.  I don’t think its going to work.  And I don’t think he has any clue how close he is to being booted out. 

The Reward Challenge is for fishing gear and some secret clue.  The Dragons and the Tigers have to battle it out in the mud pit to get their big wooden ball across their finish line before the other team does the same.  This reminded me of that Japanese game show on Spike TV – MXC.  [hey there are times when absolutely nothing else is on….what do you expect me to do?  Read?]  So they’re battling it out and apparently if you pull someone’s clothes off their legs stop working….because that’s what the “game” became – Strip Ball Rolling.

Wow….that sounded way more pornographic than I meant it to….

Anyway, a topless Amanda (hiking guide) scores the first point for the Dragons.  The second round has Cutey Pie competing for the Dragons….so it was a lock for them.  So the Dragons get the fishing gear, but wait!  They also get to kidnap one of the Tigers.  So they pick the Little Princess and Jeff gives her a “clue” that she’s supposed to open in private.  Huh?  Why does she get the clue?  She’s the loser.

When the Tigers get back to their camp it is basically under water, thanks to the rain.  But Bland Man’s human sacrifice platform has withstood the elements, which he takes as proof of his genius.  <sigh>  Pay Per View is shooting daggers out of her eyeballs at him….<giggle>  love the drama.  Back at the Dragons, Pixie Boy (Todd the Flight Attendant) warns everyone to watch their stuff, especially the flint, because he thinks the Little Princess is wily enough to think of stealing….which I don’t think ever occurred to her….but good on him for being cautious!  The Little Princess reads her clue and discovers that there is a hidden immunity idol at the Dragon camp and she has to give one of the Dragons the clue to where it is hidden before she leaves……hmmm….choices, choices.  Give it to their weakest link!  Ahhhh, she’s brilliant!  So she picks Sister Leslie, who apparently cannot commune with the Lord without her bible and is crying about it.  Good choice.  Leslie thinks it’s a sign from God.  Well.  Of course she does.  So, she can’t find the idol in the first 8 minutes of looking for it, so she recruits Pixie Boy to help.  What!!!!  Don’t tell anyone!!!  You idiot!!!!  AAAAAiiiiiiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEE!!!   So Pixie Boy is like, I hope she gets sick and has to leave and then I’ll be the only one who knows about it….nice.  Nice and ruthless.  Perfect for this game.

So now it’s the Immunity Challenge, which is basically taking a huge log and breaking through two big walls and then fitting the huge log, which is actually a puzzle log, through a little maze and then banging the gong.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well the Dragons, and Cutey Pie, excel of course.  While the Tigers led by Bland Man falter early in the competition.  Bland Man is tired….which he should be…..after hauling huge stone bricks around and not eating for the last three days….and he drags them down.  Although they were pretty much in it at the end…the Dragons pulled out another victory. 

So back at Tiger camp, its basically a toss up between Bland Man and Pay Per View.  That’s unfortunate….they were at least entertaining.  I’ll skip through all the conversations about who it should be and go straight to Tribal Council.  Jeffy asks Snowman about leadership and he basically says, Yeah Dave’s ok at it.  <chuckle>  Not exactly a ringing endorsement.  Then Pay Per View lets loose.  Ahhhhhhhhh, excellent.  Jeffy loves this stuff and lets them go at each other.  He should be a couples therapist….seriously.  Sherea finally says something and in true female “I’ve been holding this in for too long” fashion gets a little overwrought about how terrible things are…So Jeffy asks Pay Per View what’s she’s basing her vote on and she says “Oh, I’m voting for Dave.”  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA…nice.  Jeffy even smiled at that one.  So everybody casts their votes.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final and the person voted out must leave the Tribal Council area immediately.  One vote for Bland Man and the rest?   For Pay Per View….awwwwwwwww….that’s too bad.  The Hubby is very upset by this decision, clearly he thought she was an excellent…..”contestant”.  Sherea is crying….which was kind of weird.  And after Jeffy extinguishes her torch, Pay Per View turns around and points at Bland Man menacingly and says, I’ll see you soon.  I think she meant he would be voted out soon….but it sounded like she wanted to kick his ass.  HAHAHAHAHHAA.  Good. 

Another good episode….but when does the Little Princess tell the Dragons that there is probably a hidden immunity idol at their own camp too?

Aloha,

Heather

So, Heroes was on last night.  I love this show.  But as you all may have guessed by now, I am a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge sci-fi fan.  And superheroes are sci-fi.  If you don’t remember, the last season ended in spectacular fashion – with the Showdown in the Plaza.  Nathan and Peter saved the world when Nathan flew them both into outer space so that Peter could explode without hurting anyone.  Sylar apparently lives….crawling bloody and defeated into the sewers like Penguin.  Matt was shot repeatedly and the little Onstar system, Molly is alive and well.  Claire and Papa Bennet have no home (because it burned down, remember) but she didn’t have to kill Peter and so she’ll be fine.  Hiro disapparated into thin air after Sylar threw him into a wall.  So I’m on the edge of my seat….not really because when I originally watched this I couldn’t remember all of the details of the finale….like always…..and so couldn’t remember who died exactly and who didn’t…..I just watched the Season 1 finale online later to remind myself.  But I was excited even though I didn’t really know what was going on….which is kind of stupid….I know.

Mohinder meets that guy who was Ned Ryerson in Groundhog Day.  You know who I mean?  Bing!  HAHAHAHAHA.  I love that guy, he’s been in about a million movies.  So anyway, he can turn things into gold….which is just cool.  And he’s trying to get Mohinder to sell out so that They can keep tabs on Molly and he can continue his research.  And you just know They are not going to be as magnanimous as Ned Ryerson is playing at. 

Then we meet some new characters….to replace the dead ones from last season – Maya and Alejandro.  They are on the run….trying to get to New York so that Mohinder can cure Maya before she kills more people….which isn’t really explained, but we do see the bloody-eyed aftermath of one of her fits.  She wipes out a whole truckload full of Mexicans.  Hmmmmm….is she our new Walking Apocalypse?

The Cheerleader is off to a new school where nobody knows her and now she has to act normal….oh boy.  Were any of you “normal” in high school?  I bet you weren’t.  And if I could have healed miraculously….I would have had so much more fun….right off the bat we meet her new love interest (I guess) Wes or West or whatever and he’s predictably annoying. 

Hiro is now in 17^th century Japan where he meets his hero Takezo Kensei (sp?)….and after some bungling about we find out that Kensei is none other than Sark from Alias!!!!  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh….that’s just awesome!!!  I loved his character in Alias (which is another great show not on the air anymore…).  So he’s British and not at all what Hiro expected….and now Hiro is going to have to show him how to be a hero so that everything turns out ok.  I’m not terribly sure what this has to do with the present-day heroes….but whatever.  He’s on a quest and you don’t question quests.  Hmm…say that three times fast.  Question quests.  I can’t even say it in my head….we do meet the Swordmaker’s Daughter.  And she is definitely going to fall in love with Hiro instead of Sark…definitely.

Matt Parkman gets his badge back when he uses his powers to cheat on his police officer “don’t shoot the wrong person” exam.  He and Mohinder are taking care of Molly and she’s in kindergarten or whatever drawing freaky pictures of eyeballs staring.  So the teacher is like, what the hell are you doing to this kid?  Yeah Parkman, what the hell?

Now say hello again to Ando and Sulu (I have no idea what his character’s name is and even if I did I wouldn’t know how to spell it).  Sulu is waiting for Hiro to come home.  Then something falls out of Sulu’s newspaper and we see its his picture with a red helix symbol slashed through it.  And Sulu says, in typical Sulu dramatic fashion, I’ll be dead in 24 hours.  Hmmmm….that might make a good 24 season….

Nathan is now a drunk, since he couldn’t be president.  His Evil Mother is packing away Peter’s things and Nathan seems to think his kid brother might come back….obviously the fantasy is for his mother’s sake….which really doesn’t make much sense at all, but whatever.  It’s still sad.  Poor Peter.  And then Evil Mother finds her picture in the hall, after Nathan kicks her out, with the same symbol on it that Sulu’s picture had.  Oh boy.  Somebody’s in truuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaouble. 

Mr. Bennet works in a ridiculous copy store, kind of reminded me of 40 Year-Old Virgin.  And after his ridiculous manager makes a huge ass of himself, Mr. Bennet finally tells him to **ck off.  Molly doesn’t want to talk about her nightmares.  Claire almost shows up the Cheerleader Squad at the new school and then, rather disappointingly, decides better of it.  But still manages to almost reveal her weirdness to the new guy, Wes or West or whatever.  I don’t think he saw anything, but what the hell is wrong with her.  One day, Claire.  Just get through one day without having to break your body in half….one day.

Sulu meets the Evil Mother and they talk about being dead in 24 hours.  Apparently they screwed up and somebody is coming to set things right.  Sulu thinks he made good by helping Hiro….but the Evil Mother is as good as gone….

Mohinder lets on during a call to Mr. Bennet that their Plan to destroy They has gone into effect now that Mohinder has a job on the inside.  Oh boy….so that was planned.  Then Claire calls her real daddy, Nathan and wants him to make her feel better….but he’s completely worthless and says I can’t help you.  And then he looks into a mirror and its like Freddy Krueger looking back.  What the hell was that?  Is this like Niki and Jessica?  Is he two people now?  Or is he not really Nathan…..is he Peter?  That was so disturbing to me when it happened….they better explain that.  And then we see Wes or West or whatever spying on Claire while she’s on the phone from outside in a tree….except he’s not in the tree….he’s floating next to it.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Well, that’s why I like this show.  So, he’s not nearly as annoying as he was about five minutes ago.

Then Sulu dies.  He’s waiting for Ando to bring him a sword and then some hooded guy shows up.  Obviously this is our Assassin and Sulu goes, of all of them, I never thought it would be you.  Or something like that.  And before Ando can give Sulu the sword he just showed up with, the Assassin pushes Sulu off the roof.  And then….maybe my TV sucks….but it didn’t look like there were two bodies on the ground….so maybe Sulu didn’t die….or maybe he did.  I bet the guy in the hoodie was Peter. 

And now we’re in Ireland.  Huh?  Well for crying out loud.  New York, Mexico, wherever the hell Claire is, and now Ireland?  And here’s a group of Irishmen looking for a crate.  This reminded me of The Fanastic Four when Von Doom is locked up in the crate at the end…..<sigh>…..yes…..I watch a lot of TV and movies.  So anyway, they’re looking for iPods or something.  But the crate is empty.  Wait, no its not.  Its…………………….Peter?!?!?!?!?!  What huh?!?!?!?!?!  Now this I wasn’t expecting.  I kind of knew he wasn’t dead….but how?…..he exploded?  How did he survive?  He doesn’t know who he is and before one of the Irishmen can kick him or hit him, he blows the guy away with this gob of blue light.  Awesome.  Now he has new powers….which he undoubtedly got from whoever resurrected him.  Awesome.  I hope you all caught it….but, right before the show blips off at the end….did you see it?  Peter was wearing the same helix symbol on a necklace.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….what’s the helix? 

So what happened to Sylar?  When’s he going to show up?  Maybe Nathan was actually Sylar.  Was Niki even in this episode?  Maybe I missed her.  What is Molly dreaming about?  Who’s killing the bad guys?  This was a fantabulous way to start the new season.  I guess I'll keep watching....

Aloha,

Heather

p.s. Journeyman was actually very cool.  Kevin McKidd, who is Scottish (but not in the show, in the show he's American....like Dr. House) and was on the absolutely fantastic show Rome, is our star.  The first episode was him basically thinking he’s going crazy with his flashes to other times.  He basically follows the life of this guy to make sure the guy's son is born and then that the guy doesn’t kill his son….so that his son can do amazing things...eventually.  Kind of cool.  The end caught me.  Good writing always does.  He tells his wife, who's ready to leave him, after he pulls a new wedding ring out of the ground from underneath a bricked in patio where he buried it during one of his flashbacks....he says to her "I'll always come home."  Awwwwwwwwwwwww...<sniff sniff>....so sweet.  So, I’ll probably watch a few more episodes.  I’m tired of writing now…maybe next week I’ll get you a proper review of that show.

So, if anyone thought I was waiting to post the blog this week until after Survivor came on….well, you were right.  My reality TV is back on….at long last.  I did watch ‘Ice Road Truckers’ over the summer, but truck drivers really aren’t the entertaining drama queens that starving stranded people can be….If you don’t watch reality TV, or even TV, then by all means keep reading.  This short recap will highlight the only truly important parts of the shows to save you some time.  And if by some chance, you missed the premiere episode last night <gasp> and you really meant to watch it but just assumed it premiered next week with just about every other show except for Prison Break and that Lord of the Flies remake KidNation….well, do not fret.  I have all the juicy gossip.  Now I should probably say, for those of you who don’t know, that I am pretty terrible with names.  I even have a tendency to call the people I work with by nicknames….not because I’m trying to be funny or clever….I just can’t remember who they are…..so try to follow along. 

This year is Season 15.  Fifteen!!!  That’s crazy.  The Hubby and I have watched every episode….and if Richard Hatch hadn’t been such an evil bastard….and if Fargo Sue hadn’t given that priceless speech about rats and snakes….we probably would have never watched it again.  I like the island seasons the most I think….so already I’m not that keen on the whole China idea.  Of course….truthfully, I know very little about China.  I do know they showed lots of clips of monkeys and panda bears throughout the show last night….panda bears are soooooooooooooo cute.  So that made me a little happier. 

In the opening scene all the contestants have to be “welcomed” to the country by Buddhist monks in some kind of temple.  I thought it was pretty cool.  But we couldn’t even get through this simple little gesture of local generosity without some drama.  First and foremost….we’ve got this ridiculously thin ugly-Gwen from New York complaining that she doesn’t know what’s going on and this is taking too long.  I’m gonna hate this girl.  I already know I’m gonna hate her.  You really should have eaten a few burgers before coming on the show sweetheart.  If she lasts more than a week, she may disappear altogether.  Her name is Courtney (well, of course it is), but we’re not going to call her that….no, let’s call her Cruella.  Aside from Cruella, we have another whiner right off the bat.  Leslie is a Christian radio talk show host and is offended by the Buddhist display….even though….Jeffy made a huuuuuuuuuuuge point about the fact that it was not a worship ceremony…..it was a welcome.  So Leslie walks out in the middle of the whole thing in tears because she feels like she’s worshipping a Buddha statue.  I did think this was kind of ridiculous….but I won’t make a big deal about it because I’m not a religious person and don’t wholly understand that faith that fills some people’s hearts.  I have seen it overwhelm some people….just like I’ve seen it turn some people into total nutjobs.  I’m hoping Leslie is going to be one of those nutjobs….if only for the entertainment value of it.  So, Sister Leslie….don’t let me down.

The motley crew is divided up into their teams quickly, given their buffs, a map and a copy of The Art of War.  Interesting….already I’m thinking that must be a clue as to where the immunity idols are hidden….but wait, that was last season.  Maybe there are no hidden immunity idols this season….after all, they did find them awfully quick last season.  So the teams are off – one is Crouching Tiger, the other is Hidden Dragon.  That’s not actually what they were, but one was the something Tigers and the other was the something Dragons.  And here yet again, we get to see the complete and total fiasco that is a group of eight adults trying to row a boat together.  Honestly….I never know why this is so hard….or why they look so comical trying….

So, let’s meet the rest of the losers….I mean, contestants.  The Tigers have Sherea (teacher) who got stuck wearing her heels into the Chinese outback (when will these people learn!!), Peih Gee who was born in Hong Kong….but obviously didn’t spend much time there, Ashley who is a professional wrestler and has a pair of flotation devices permanently attached to her chest, Chicken…….who is from the backwoods of Verginya, Dave who apparently used to model but is waaaaaaaaaay too old for that now (just kidding, he’s in his late 30’s), Eric who is a musician and didn’t really talk a whole lot during this episode, Jaime who is a student from California or Florida or somewhere else bleach blondes fit in, and Frosti.  That’s not my nickname….that’s his nickname.  His real name is Mike….which I actually like better than Frosti.  I didn’t catch an explanation for this….but I’m hoping it’s a good story.  He’s a kid and the youngest survivor contestant ever at 20.  He’s also tiny….I’m being serious….he’s literally kid-like.  So that’s the Tigers. 

The Dragons have Aaron (surfer) who’s clearly going to be the leader and probably the first sacrifice to go, Amanda (hiking gudie?) who has the biggest teeth I’ve ever seen, Cruella, Denise (lunch lady) who has....<chuckle, snort> a mullet, James (grave digger) who is absolutely gorgeous and my favorite, Jean-Robert (professional poker player) who thinks he can read people, Sister Leslie, and Todd (flight attendant) who is like a little pixie.  The Dragons are clearly going to have more drama going on….they seem like a train wreck just waiting to happen. 

So the first task is always the shelter…and just to remind everyone how important it is….the Buddhist monks make it start raining.  Good.  Make ‘em miserable!!  The Chicken Man is telling everyone how to build a shelter in the charming redneck way of demeaning everybody around you.  James, who will now be called Cutey Pie, is hacking away at the bamboo on the other lake-island and showing off his muscles.  I mentioned to the Hubby that he needs those muscles to dig graves….to which the Hubby pointed out that he probably uses a backhoe…..like everyone else.  So they spend the night in the rain…..Ashley, who will now be called Pay Per View, is sick as a dog.  I can’t even imagine getting sick out in the middle of nowhere like that.  I would be the biggest baby.  And the vultures are circling.  Dave makes a huge show of saying, don’t think that you’re up on the chopping block just because you’re down for the count….what a jackass.  Of course that’s what’s going on….don’t be insipid about it though.

Day 3 and it’s time for the first immunity challenge obstacle course.  Woooooohooooooo!!!  I love the obstacle course…only because I’m not doing it and people are usually terrible at working together.  So both teams have to carry one of those long dragon puppet things on sticks through the course and then fit the end of the sticks into a puzzle-like holder at the end.  One person from each team has to run ahead in the middle of the course, let down a draw bridge, and get a key to unlock the gate that lets the team to the finish line.  Cutey Pie is the guy for the Dragons and Snowman is the guy for the Tigers.  Yes, he’s Snowman now, because Frosti is just stupid.  Well it’s the first challenge, and nobody gets stuck or hurt or cries or yells….but the Dragons win.  So they get flint for fire and get to go home unscathed.  I’m not surprised by this because it looks like Cutey Pie could have dragged them through the course by himself and still won the race.  And now we get to see the Tigers rip each other apart.

So, back at camp and the Movie Rating (PG) has taken over.  In the last fourteen seasons, we have learned that there is an important part at the very beginning of each season.  The team has to bond….and you can’t get in the way of that…..and you can’t ignore that.  It is a mob mentality and people need to feel like you’re on their side.  Any team who has tried to stumble past this step has always failed.  Any contestant who gets irritated and anxious about no work getting done….inevitably goes home early.  The Movie Rating is that contestant....she's way too stressed.  First she’s crying and Dave (who is really too bland at this point for a good nickname) is being ingratiatingly sickly sweet to her (“go ahead and cry...its ok”).  Then she starts barking orders at everyone.  Now…you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that this is not a good strategy.  Nobody likes a bad Movie Rating.  She also tries to get the Chicken Man to commit to a way of building the shelter, but he’s done makin’ suggestiongs.  <sigh>  That quasi-southern, totally redneck accent is going to get him into trouble.  I can see it coming.  You need to be charming when you’ve got this country bumpkin stereotype working against you….not patronizing.  Poor Chicken Man.  He doesn’t stand a chance.  Pay Per View is apparently being considered for the chop…which would just be stupid.  She’s clearly going to be an asset later in the game especially after all the other ladies fizzle out.

So it’s time for the first Tribal Council.  [Aside: This is the first season that Skywalker has decided to demean herself by watching.  And she says to me….at about this point in the show…. So, this is what everyone meant when they said ‘getting voted off the island’?......sigh….TV is an important part of pop culture people, don’t let anyone ever tell you different.]  Jeffy asks, ‘Who’s the leader?’ and nobody says anything….because everyone knows being the leader is like the kiss of death until Jeffy says ‘Does someone want to volunteer?’  and so immediately Dave and the Movie Rating raise their hands.  Pay Per View is taken aback (I love the way Burnett edits this show).  And the politicians make their little speeches about why they should be chief of the Tigers….and everyone else is making a mental note that these two morons will be next up for the chop.  Why does arrogance and ego blind people so completely?  So then Jeffy asks the Chicken Man if he fits in….come on Jeffy?!!  And of course the Chicken Man says, no but I work hard.  Well good for you Chicken Man….but you still have that accent…..

Blah blah blah and everyone walks to the voting camera and writes down a name and shows it to America and waits for Jeffy to read off the loser.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final and the person voted out must leave the Tribal Council area immediately.  I wonder what happens if they don’t….I wonder if they have tribal security guards that can bounce somebody outta there?  I mean, seriously….if its just a bunch of camera guys and Jeffy….what could they do?  And what if that person just ran into the jungle and didn’t leave the island….I guess their psych profiles are supposed to catch those freaks…..and oh yeah, I know they’re not on an island, but its sort of an island even if it is on a lake…..so Pay Per View gets a vote and the Movie Rating gets a vote, but it’s the Chicken Man going home.  Awwwwwwwwwwww….goodbye Chicken Man.  The next time we’ll see you will be the reunion show and everyone will have forgotten you and then we’ll go, ‘Oh yeah…I remember that guy…..wow that was a long time ago.’  They should really have a therapy group for the First Losers Club in Survivor….it's gotta make you feel terrible to get voted out first.  "Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance."

I love this show.  I always have….well….maybe not the Africa season…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....people are more fun than anybody.

Later gators,

Heather

p.s. Stay tuned for Heroes on Monday.  I’ll also be deciding next week whether the following shows will be worthwhile – Big Shots, Bionic Woman, Cane, Carpoolers, Dirty Sexy Money, Journeyman, Reaper, and Moonlight.  Don’t think I’m actually going to be watching this much TV….I’ll have to weed it down to just a few nominees. 

Only the third week out, and I’m already late getting this in….this is why I should probably be a full-time writer and a part-time auditor.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Anyway, as most of you are painfully aware, Football Season officially kicked off last week.  I wrote a long drawn out explanation of the football crazies the Hubby suffers from last year, so I won’t go into very much detail with this, except to say that we are back to having seriously loud conversations with the television.  Screaming at the screen like the players, and more importantly the commentators, can hear him is always a little disturbing.  Listening to him explain the difference between an ‘end-around’ and a ‘reverse’ for the eight hundredth time is just a tiny reminder of what I have been missing for the last nine months.  He screams the plays at the defense (PLAY ACTION, it’s PLAY ACTION!!!) and he screams at the referees (HOLDING!!! THAT WAS A HOLD!!!! AHHHHHHHH COME ON!!) and he especially screams at the commentators (THEISMAN, YOU’RE A <bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep>).  The screaming is ok….I can handle that.  I’m used to it.  But then he looks at me, and expects me to be just as indignant and pissed off about whatever it is that he is complaining about at that exact moment…..now I know I talk about football a lot.  But don’t misunderstand me…I know nothing about it.  I’m lucky if I can see where the ball is.  I’m thrilled if I can remember a player’s position or his number.  I care about my team, but not enough to scream at the television.  <shaking my head>  So I usually respond with something like “He looks cute in that helmet” which of course makes the Hubby sigh in a very exaggerated irritated way and then ignore me for the next quarter while he tries to work out in his head how he could not have properly impressed upon me the earth shattering importance of this team.  Ahhhh, football. 

So the Pumpkin has a new favorite toy.  Her old favorite toy was a frog with a Santa hat that was stuffed with catnip.  She used to hug that little frog while she was sleeping, which was extremely cute….until the Hubby pointed out that she was just getting high off the catnip and didn’t really care about the frog.  Regardless, she played with that frog all the time.  Which always made me happy, because finally she was playing with something that I actually spent money on.  Cats are eerily similar to four-year olds in that regard.  They would rather jump into the box the toy came in rather than play with the toy.  I have piles of crap I have bought for that cat that she never even looked at.  So anyway, now she has a new toy.  It’s a crab….you know because we live in Maryland and all Marylanders have crabs <chuckle, snort>.  It has these little felt arms and originally had a string attached to it so you could dangle it in front of your pet and watch them bat it around.  The Pumpkin however does not merely bat her toys around.  She goes into this psychotic rage where she attacks fiercely for about seven seconds at a time and then runs in a circle and then looks at you like you’re the antichrist and then attacks again.  So she ate the string off in about three days of playing with it.  And I figured….well, that’s it.  That’s the end of that toy.  And I forgot about it.  And then a few weeks ago, I noticed the Pumpkin was carrying something around in her mouth…which she never does.  And I got that sinking nauseating feeling in my stomach that she had caught some kind of animal and was taking it into our bedroom to ‘present’ to us.  So I yelled at her, ‘PUMPKIN!’  Now, she either knows her name, or responds to the panic in my voice because she stops dead in her tracks and turns to look at me and that’s when I see it.  The crab is sticking out of her mouth like a dead mouse and then she tries to meow with her mouth full and instead of meow….it sounds like ‘muuurrrrooowww’.  It sounds creepy actually.  So anyway, then she turns back around and runs off with the crab.  So I figure, eh, its cabin fever.  Cats get that you know.  For some reason, maybe its just indoor cats, but every once in a while they run from one end of the house to the other end for no reason.  They poof up their fur and hiss at doors and act loony.  This usually lasts a few minutes with the Pumpkin before she exhausts herself and flops over on the floor to sleep for a few hours.  So I figure this is all that was with the crab.  Cabin fever.  Well, it wasn’t.  A few days later, I heard this commotion in the dining room.  I walked in and saw the Pumpkin attacking her crab like a lion ripping apart a gazelle and then I saw the leg.  One of the little crab’s little felt legs had been violently ripped off his little body.  Oh dear.  This can’t be good.  So I picked up the little appendage and threw it in the trash and kind of shrugged my shoulders while thinking…it’s a phase.  She’ll get tired of that crab like she got tired of the frog.  Don’t worry about it.  Well, needless to say, she hasn’t gotten tired of it.  She still carries it around in her mouth and muuuuurrrrroooows with it.  She attacks it so ferociously that it now only has about two and a half legs left and the little string that was supposed to be the thing’s mouth is hanging off his face.  I am guessing that soon it will be a freaky legless mouthless crab and it will look disgusting and horror-movie disturbing like most pet toys end up looking.  Because I don’t think this is a phase.  Hey, at least she’s getting some exercise.  Right?

The weather has been suspiciously good lately.  The calm before the storm so to speak.  I am more than ready for summer to be over.  Humidity, as we are all well aware, is the work of the devil and makes Darth Heather completely unbearable to be around.  But I love fall weather.  Its invigorating.  And spooky because it reminds you that Halloween is coming soon.  Heehee.  So anyway, can’t complain about the weather.  Driving hasn’t been as irritating, although the stupid neighbor still insists on violating the imaginary space bubble around my now old dented p.o.s. car.  So I can’t really complain about that.  So, I can hear you at your computer pretending to be working while you’re reading this thinking to yourself, ‘Self, she has nothing to complain about?  Is the world coming to an end?’  Now stop thinking like a crazy person.  Of course I have something to complain about.  Let me now explain to you, gentle reader, the increasingly common problem of computer rage I have been suffering through lately.  Computers make me angry.  Just in general.  They make me angry, because they never seem to work when I really need them to work.  And there never seems to be a really good obvious reason for them to not be working….it always feels like a personal vendetta.  Like the stupid computer has suddenly decided, on its own, that it hates me and wants me to pay for something I did to it….like downloading spyware unknowingly.  "Open the pod bay doors, Hal." The Hubby and I recently purchased a new laptop.  And I thought to myself, ‘Self, this will be great.  New computers always work really well.’  Well……..I was wrong.  The laptop has Vista on it.  And Vista is like a really really annoying micromanaging boss.  It asks you questions constantly.  The whole screen blips out so that it can ask you this question.  Like ‘Do you really want to do that?’  That’s basically what it sounds like….and I hate that.  Stop second-guessing me you stupid stupid computer.  Of course I want to do that!!  I wouldn’t have pointed and clicked if I didn’t want to do that!!!  Stupid.  <sigh>  Now, aside from Vista asking lots of stupid questions….the new computer actually does work quite well.  Except for one teensy itty bitty thing.  The wireless.  The wireless internet connection.  We get our internet, and everything else, through Comcast….because apparently we are extremely masochistic self-loathing individuals who enjoy the daily struggle we get as a free bonus with our Comcast media package.  The cable television blips out every now and then.  More so now, than then.  The digital phone blips out in the middle of conversations, like I’m on a cell phone and the call got dropped.  I can hear the other person, but they can’t hear me and usually think I’ve hung up and usually are pissed about it.  You’ve seen the commercials, you know what I’m talking about.  Now, the digital internet connection is very fast and has never just ‘gone out’ for no reason.  So, I was very happy with it.  Until I got the new computer.  We got the wireless laptop, so obviously we can carry the thing all over the house.  The Hubby wants to check his fantasy football stats while he’s watching the game.  And I would rather work on the computer at the dining room table.  So we got the wireless laptop.  And plugged in the wireless laptop.  And nothing happened.  We’re obviously missing something here.  So I bumble about on the internet and see somewhere that you need a wireless card in your computer…..and because I’m moron…..I thought that meant that you needed the card in all computers…..and that a wireless-capable laptop would not have a card.  <sigh>  I’m such a retard.  So I go to Best Buy and get the card and come home and I’m trying to stick it into the computer somewhere….which obviously doesn’t work for obvious reasons…..but I call the Dell hotline people and ask Mabib how to get the wireless card in my computer and after he asks me eight thousand questions about what kind of computer I have blah blah blah, he tells me ‘You don’t need the card.  Your computer already has one.  You need a router.’  A what?  What the hell is a router?  I am so completely retarded and totally embarrassed now, so I don’t even ask Mabib what the router is, I just say oh right….aha…..I knew that.  And quickly hang up.  And then I have to go back to Best Buy to return the card and then the little loser behind the counter asks ‘Why are you returning this?’  Because I’m a retard, of course.  Which is not what I actually said, just what I was thinking.  So I’m scanning the aisles of Best Buy looking for a box that says router and I finally find one….no….not just one….like 56 different kinds of routers.  And each and every one of them has this computerese gobbledygook written on the box talking about mbps and broadband and gigahertz and my mind is spinning dangerously out of control.  So I pick one that is not the most expensive and not the cheapest and just assume that it will work fine with whatever we have at home.  And then the little loser behind the counter asks me ‘Did you find everything you were looking for?’ I have no idea.  Which is not what I actually said, just what I was thinking.  So I go home and plug in the router and turn it on and look at the computer and the little wireless light has not magically come on…so I have no idea if it is working or not.  I start pushing all kind of buttons on the computer and then plugging the router into everything I can plug it in to.  Nothing.  Nothing is working.  So I call Mabib again, because he’s the only person who can figure this stuff out.  He asks me another different set of eight thousand questions and then after three hours comes to the conclusion that the problem is not with the computer or the hardware or the software or any other ware.  The problem is with the cable company.  Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.  I have to call…..<shudder>  Comcast?!?!?!?  Lord, if you love me and care about my sanity do not make me call Comcast.  Calling anything Comcast does ‘customer service’ is just ridiculous.  So…..because I hate myself and apparently had no needles left to poke into my eyeballs for a fun Saturday afternoon, I decided to call.  Now, Mabib I could understand.  He may have had a foreign-sounding name….but he was definitely American.  Whoever the hell answered the phone at Comcast headquarters may have been from Jupiter.  He was speaking Swahili out of his nose for all I know…..I had absolutely no idea what he was saying.  It took me eleven minutes to finally get “What is your home phone number?” translated.  I never got the guy’s name, so let’s call him Puckface for this little story.  [Aside:  Puck is a character in A Midsummer Night’s Dream and he’s annoying which is where that nickname comes from not because I’m normally foul-mouthed or curse a lot when I tell this story to anybody else.]  Puckface made me turn the computer off and on…..which is just ridiculous.  I don’t even do that anymore.  I just say, ok. And wait like three minutes and then say, ok it’s back on.  Seriously, has re-booting a computer ever EVER fixed anything?  I highly doubt it.  Then he makes me turn the router off and re-boot it.  Three minutes later he tells me I need to re-boot the modem….which is unfortunate since I am talking through the phone line which is connected to the cable….the one cable that comes into the house and feeds us all the highly aggravating Comcast media options.  So re-booting the modem, will somehow (don’t ask me), short out the phone.  This makes no sense…..but then…..I’m a retard.  Puckface is apparently one too.  Because three minutes later, I say Ok.  And we move on down his apparently endless “How to Lose Every Single Customer You’ve Ever Had” checklist.  Forty-five minutes into this “conversation” Puckface starts getting an attitude.  Which is just……….ironic.  Dude.  You’re helping me.  So HELP me!!!  I want the Easy button so I can just make Puckface go away and puck himself.  I am quickly starting to lose patience with this whole process and then I remind myself what the Hubby would sound like if he were taking this call.  Which keeps me on the phone for another seven minutes before I lose it completely.  I am trying to explain to Puckface that the internet connection worked before.  When I had the cable thingy plugged into the computer.  Because Puckface was trying to tell me that I needed to download something on my laptop.....else the Puck a liar call……..no no no no no.  No downloads….already have the downloads.  It was working, you see.  It was working before.  Are you sure?  No…..you know what…..that may have been my imaginary yahoo e-mail I was looking at before…..how can I be sure I was actually surfing the internet?  Maybe Vista lets you get on a “pretend” Internet…..maybe I answered that question wrong.  Maybe I'm hallucinating now.....You moron.  Of course I am sure it was working before!!!!  Which is not what I actually say, I just say yes.  So he says, well, why don’t you plug the cable back in?  Ok.  The very first thing I said the Puckface when we started this wicked dance was that I could not get my wireless connection working….granted that was 96 minutes ago, so he’s probably forgotten.  How’s that going to fix my wireless connection?  And Puckface goes “Oh, I don’t know anything about wireless connections.  (no s***)  I have the helpline number for Linksys.  (Never asked me if it was a linksys router or not).”  If we shadows have offended……ok thanks for nothing Puckface.  Thanks for sucking the lifeless soul out of my body for the last 108 minutes.  That’s time I will never get back thanks to you.  Thanks for the "customer service".  It’s a little disconcerting knowing that I would probably be better at your job than you are and I’m the one that thought I needed a wireless card! 

Needless to say.  The wireless connection does not work.  The computer works fine.  The router box works fine (I know because all the lights flash on and off).  But the computer and the router do not work together.  I know because every time I unplug the internet cable, all I can get to is my imaginary yahoo e-mail page.  I have not mustered up the self-loathing required to call Comcast back and ask for someone to be sent out to the house to fix it……I don’t really want to think about that impending train wreck.  I did realize one, rather frustrating, fact from this whole debacle.  Apparently, because I’m the age I am and know how to turn a computer on, people assume I can take one apart and speak in computerese.  That’s just ridiculous.  I realize I should probably know more than I do….but I bumble through well enough.  Gentles do not reprehend.  If you pardon, we shall mend.  By calling the linksys help line and then ripping an arm off a toy crab.  <smile>

Later gators,

Heather 

With a whisper of hope, and a sigh of relief, we welcomed a new addition to our family yesterday at 4:52 in the afternoon.  Princess Alyssa was born weighing seven pounds, four ounces, nineteen inches.  And now, finally, I am officially an Aunt.  Yesterday was an unnaturally long day….possibly because the Hubby would not stop pacing the halls of the hospital….possibly because Mom #2 was talking to Dad #2’s new Wife…..possibly because I did not eat anything for about ten hours.  It was a very long day, and I am ridiculously tired.  And yet I could not wait to tell you all about this.

We arrived at the hospital early in the afternoon to wait.  It was eleven days after the Sister-in-law's due date and so the hospital people decided to induce labor.  This is apparently a long drawn out process which started the previous night, and although the Sister-in-law’s husband was discussing it in great detail with the Hubby….during the seven seconds it took him to hang up the phone and look at me, he apparently forgot all the important information he was supposed to tell me.  “They’re doing the…to the....you know….the labor thingy.”  I don’t know if the Hubby has a problem saying ‘cervix’ or just remembering medical terms in general or blocks things from his mind because it’s his sister we’re talking about and he’s afraid of being scarred for life…..but “labor thingy” was not helping me understand exactly where we stood in the process.

So we’re driving to the hospital, and because I’m paranoid about driving and have never been to this hospital I wrote down the directions.  Men, apparently, never need directions and use their highly tuned hunting instincts to smell the way to their destination.  The Hubby informed me that from 70 East, we needed to drive North on 32 to get to Columbia.  I knew this wasn’t right.  But he was sure, and ladies if your men are anything like mine….when they’re sure, they’re sure and there’s just not much you can do about it.  Of course we ended up in Carroll County…and so here’s what I said…..in my own subtle Wifey-way, “I don’t think Howard County General Hospital is in Carroll County.  I think we should turn around.”  The Hubby, surprisingly enough, said nothing.  He just grunted, and was apparently trying to figure out how the planet had been tipped on its axis so that North had become South. 

So we get to the hospital, had visitor passes slapped on our clothes, squeezed into the elevator large enough to hold about forty people, winded our way down the hall, found the Labor & Delivery section, and stumbled into the waiting room where all the other #2’s were already impatiently waiting.  And so we waited too.  And waited.  And waited.  After the Sister-in-law got an epidural, and had slept for a little, she decided now would be a good time for everyone to stop in the room and say hello.  Which I thought was kind of weird, but who am I to question any of the #2 habits, inclinations or requests.  I have been married to this family for eight glorious years, and they still manage to amaze me sometimes.  The Hubby, of course, steadfastly refused to go into the room, because he “didn’t want to see anything [he’s] not supposed to see.”  I’m not terribly sure what he thought was going on in there, whether they had her propped up for all the world to see exactly how she was progressing.  No matter how discreetly covered she was though, or how much I assured him that he would not have to see any nakedness, he only said – “If she needs me, I’ll go in there….but only if she needs me.” 

So I walked into her room alone, and holy bajeebers! I’m in the Ritz-Carlton!  This room is huge!!  Huge bed, something that looks like a high-tech stereo surround-sound system around the bed, which later turned out to be a baby heart monitor and blood pressure readings and so on.  Nice big bathroom.  Pull out couch for Sister-in-law’s husband.  Absolutely amazing.  The Sister-in-law was sort of high when I walked in.  She seemed very happy, and weirdly relaxed.  Her husband was a bit nervous, but surprisingly calm.  Mom #2 was a wreck on the other hand.  Hustling and bustling about in a rather frantic way.  It was making me anxious, but the Sister-in-law did not seem to notice.  She reminded me of Frances McDormand in Fargo – “I just think I’m gonna barf…” in that priceless North Dakota accent.  She did not barf, thankfully….but the mid-wife came in and said she needed to examine something which was our cue to leave.  So we were standing just outside the door, Mom #2, Nan and myself, when Sister-in-law’s husband sticks his head out the door and practically screams in our faces “IT’S TIME!!!”  And of course, when you’re in the Labor & Delivery wing and a young guy who is not wearing plastic baggies over his shoes screams “IT’S TIME” everyone magically knows what that means….so we’re back off to the waiting room to wait some more, when in walks the Hubby mumbling about how he better not see anything he’s not supposed to see.  So I unfortunately had to stop him, “You’re too late.  It’s time.”  The Hubby got rather pale, and you could almost see his early life teasing and beating his kid sister flashing before his eyes when he asked with enough emotion in his manly-man voice to bring tears to my eyes, “Is she ok?”  I just smiled, squeezed his hand, thanked all that is holy I have such a fabulous Hubby and said “She’ll be fine.”

So we’re waiting.  And waiting.  And waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting.  Forty-five minutes never felt so long, and the stupid door to the stupid L&D wing keeps opening and closing.  And they kept wheeling in little tiny baby beds from the nursery.  And I really really had to pee, but didn’t want to miss anything, and inevitably everything happens when you leave to pee, so I didn’t.  I sat there next to the door with my camera at the ready.  The Hubby is pacing a trench-deep ditch into the floor.  Mom #2 and her parents are trying, sort of, to be civil to Dad #2 and his New Wife.  We’re making conversation with the other family in the room waiting.  They were from Ohio, and clearly were not in the mood to be chatting away like the #2’s do.  The #2’s talk when they are nervous, or talk basically all the time, and rather loudly….either because they are nervous or think everyone is deaf.  I have kind of gotten used to this…but not really.  Some people think it is endearing, some people think it is annoying.  But when they all realize how close this family is, they can’t help but smile.  The men in the room are making bets on the exact time of the birth.  So I’m waiting, wondering what decibel level we are reaching on the conversation, calculating in my head if I can pee in under twenty seconds, when all of the sudden in walks the Sister-in-law’s husband.

He’s all smiles.  He looks downright giddy.  “Seven pounds, four ounces,” he says.  Everyone rushes up and hugs him, and even though he’s not a Hugger he doesn’t seem to mind.  I flash the camera every hundredth of a second, catching all the mania.  This family has instantly forgiven the man for not enduring sweltering hot afternoons in front of the flaming barbecue grill with them, instantly forgiven the man for moving their daughter/sister/niece all the way to Laurel.  He's given them a grandchild/great grandchild/niece.  He’s a poppa and he couldn’t be happier.  Now I think is the time to point out that Princess Alyssa is named after me.  This is not exactly completely accurate, but is my interpretation of the circumstances, so….good enough.  My middle name is Alyssa, which the Sister-in-law did not know, or so she claims.  And because I will undoubtedly be an excellent influence on my little niece, it was only natural that she have my name.  I will teach her how to be sarcastic, and how to punctuate her sentences, and how to appreciate Shakespeare.  I will teach her how to arch her eyebrows in a very demeaning way, and how to differentiate between good coffee and the dregs that can only be consumed with a pound of sugar and half a liter of cream.  I will teach how to make every outfit she owns match a black cardigan sweater and how to drive with enough inconsistency to make other people stay far far away from her car.  I will teach her how to love sci fi movies and the tricks to finishing every crossword puzzle she starts.  I will teach her all of this, because undoubtedly I am the only one in this family who can, and I will insist that she call me Auntie Darth.  Well…maybe not.  I don’t want her to think I’m some kind of weirdo….

So after Princess Alyssa was born at 4:52, we waited some more and then got to go see the little angel with the Sister-in-law and her husband.  The Sister-in-law looked amazing.  The husband was holding the baby.  And we all gooed and gawed at her tiny little hands, and her little bit of brown hair, and that scrunched up face she made every time she realized she was in some new strange place.  We toasted the new addition to the family with some champagne, which would have been much better if it had not been the only thing I had consumed since breakfast.  Then the nurse came in and carted off Princess Alyssa to the nursery to have all the baby stuff done to her. The Sister-in-law’s husband tagged along and we all stood around and chatted, because that’s what we do.  The Sister-in-law was jazzed up, either high on drugs still, or high on adrenaline.  She munched on a dinner roll and was “waiting to see if I’m gonna barf” when we decided to head off to the nursery to see what was going on there.  Although they of course wouldn’t point out which little bundle of screaming fury belonged to our family (only the parents can do that for privacy reasons), we figured it out.  Princess Alyssa happened to be the only girl in the nursery.  And we watched, completely mesmerized, as she would sleep completely calmly for about three minutes then wake suddenly and scream her little heart out and then go right back to sleep.  Talk about therapeutic.

After the Sister-in-law has been moved to another, smaller room and is reunited with Princess Alyssa, the Sister-in-law’s husband’s family arrives and regardless of the four-person visitor minimum rule the hospital has clearly posted, we managed to fit about twenty people in her room with no trouble.  And through the deafening roar of gibber-gabbering going on, someone asked me if I wanted to hold the little Princess.  Well of course.  No question.  The little tiny person was suddenly in my arms, and the first thing Princess Alyssa did when I got her was scrunch up her little face and let out a tiny ‘yowl’ which was just precious.  Either because she was now one of us, or because she wasn’t nearly loud enough to be heard over the other people in the room, it really wasn’t as irritating as baby cries are normally.  I was busily explaining to Princess Alyssa that she could play with the Pumpkin when she’s old enough when the Hubby came over and peered down into the little bundle of baby I was holding.  He grinned, stated (without being asked) that there was no chance he was holding her, and then poked his finger in her face and gooed gooed at her when she reached up and grabbed a hold of his finger.  The Hubby has these huge hands, huge manly bear hands and so to see this little tiny hand with her little tiny fingers grab a hold of his was just about the most adorable thing I had ever seen.  The Hubby immediately froze in a panic, and said…um….she won’t let go.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  I think once Princess Alyssa is a little bigger, and a little less fragile, she won’t freak him out so much.

So finally, about twenty six minutes after the official visiting hours of the hospital had already ended, the #2’s said their goodbyes and headed for the parking lot.  At this point I am completely exhausted.  Smiling for this long makes my face hurt because I am so not used to being stupid-happy for such a long time.  I am thrilled to have a new little Princess in our lives.  I am thrilled the Hubby made it through the day without pulling any muscles from all the pacing.  I am thrilled the Sister-in-law and her husband are happy and healthy.  I am convinced they will be fantastic parents.  And I am convinced the Hubby and I will be fantastic baby-sitters.  I explained to the Pumpkin when we finally got home, while I was extricating her claws and fangs from the back of my leg and hobbling to her food bowl, that she would have a new little person to get used to soon.  She seems unconcerned about this, but probably only because she’s never really had her tail pulled before….and she probably doesn’t anticipate Princess Alyssa stealing any of her toys….which I could see happening.  Aw well, I am sure Princess Alyssa and Princess Pumpkin will get along famously.  As long as no one tries to put a tutu and tiara on the Pumpkin....that won't end well....I already know....

And so now I look forward to birthday parties and setting up trust funds and baby-sitting and picture-taking and scrap-booking and all the other gifts that come along with being an Aunt.  This will be one of the most amazingly interesting adventures I have ever had!

Later gators,

Heather

“You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.”

 - John J. Plomp