So it’s finally here.  The finale.  The piesta resistance.  What I have waited patiently for over the last several months.  I must say, I have high expectations for this episode.  This season has not been one of the better ones….soooooooooooooo…..this finale had better make me cry/scream/groan/flinch in order for Jack Bauer and Company to redeem themselves.  Let’s see how we did?  The following takes place between the hours of 4 am and 6am.  So Mini has been kidnapped by the Spoon to hand over to Papa.  How’s this for irony.  There is no doubt in my mind that this kid is Jack’s son now; he’s being treated exactly the same way Jack was at the beginning of this day.  Come on Mini!!  Turn on those waterworks, I can tell Spoon is having some qualms about sacrificing a kid to the psycho Papa.  But he still has to do his job, right?  So he injects Mini’s arm with a tracking device….oh….this is not good…..I hope you’re not a lefty Mini because that arm is as good as gone. 

Jack is trying unsuccessfully to explain to these moronic CTU agents detaining him that they are wrong and he is right.  Listen, the man knows his own father.  Not to mention that he has been pretty much right about…oh….let’s say….EVERYTHING.    And I really wouldn’t want to irritate Jack at this point in the day.  He’s been through a lot.  Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane, shall we?  At 6 am Jack was released from a Chinese prison where he had been tortured and traumatized for the last year.  Ten minutes later he finds out that he is being turned over to another set of terrorists because this country uses him as their little robotic pawn whenever it gets the chance.  Twenty minutes later he is being tortured by Fayed – stabbed in the shoulder, etc etc etc.  Jack goes eerily vampire to escape from the terrorists, biting some poor unsuspecting thug in the neck.  Five minutes after his escape he is on the phone with the White House explaining that everyone is wrong and he is right.  Ten minutes later Jack is sneaking into another terrorist’s safe house to rescue him (Assad).  Ten minutes later Jack is hunting down a guy with a bomb vest in the subway.  He rescues everyone by kicking the exploding man out of the back of the train.  About an hour later he shoots his own partner in the neck to protect a guy he just met.  Then he quits his job.  Then he says nevermind.  A few minutes after a nuclear bomb explodes in downtown LA, Jack saves some guy out of a helicopter that crashed on the roof of some building.  A few minutes later Jack finds out his father is somehow involved in the nuclear bombing.  A few minutes later Jack is beating up his brother to find his father.  Then he tries suffocating him.  After Jack escapes from his brother’s attempt to assassinate him, he tortures his brother, until his father kills his brother and blames Jack.  Then he has to disarm a nuclear bomb with seconds left on the timer after he rescues Morris.  Then after being set up by his sister-in-law, he narrowly escapes being blown to smithereens in an exploding house.  Then he thinks his father is going to shoot him in the back of the head when he rescues his nephew/son.  Then Jack has to cooperate with Logan who killed his friend, the last President.  Then he attacks the Russian consulate and tortures the ambassador.  And by tortures, I mean chops off his little finger with a cigar cutter.  Then he is exploded by the Russian guys breaking down the door.  So Jack has a few broken ribs and probably internal bleeding by the time he is rescued by the Spoon.  Then Jack finds out that the love of his life is dead.  Dead because she was trying to save him.  After that, Jack lands a drone bomb safely outside the city.  Then Jack has to convince RainMan to help him get Boris the Blade.  Jack hitches a ride underneath a dump truck to track another terrorist.  After Jack kills the rest of the terrorists, he strangles Fayed and hangs him in chains.  Then Jack finds out that the love of his life is actually alive and being held by the same guys who were torturing him for so long in China.  Jack tries to steal the chip to save Audrey.  Jack saves Audrey and is about to detonate himself when the Spoon ruins the plan.  Then after being arrested, Jack breaks out of his cell in CTU to save Audrey….again.  Then Audrey’s daddy shows up and tells Jack to never come near her again.  Then Jack has to fight off terrorists who make their way inside CTU and try to protect Marilyn and Mini.  After that fails, he is held at gun point for the 57^th time today.  Jack breaks away from the terrorists, shoots them all, and saves Mini.  Then after he saves Mini, the Spoon takes Mini away.  And that’s where we’re at.  So you see….he’s been through a lot.  I wouldn’t argue with the man.  So who does Jack call when no one else will help?  Why Miss Chloe O’Brian of course.

Chloe explains what is going on about the trade – the chip for the kid.  Jack calls Karen at the White House and says, you’re wrong you’re wrong you’re wrong.  Papa will betray you all.  Karen is like, well are ya sure…cause ya know….you’re kind of upset right now.  HAHAHA, just kidding.  Karen believes him, finally.  And tries to get support from Weasel Face.  But ol’ Weasel is all about covering his ass now and says, you go right ahead.  I won’t tell.  So Karen calls RoboBill…who doesn’t really want to talk to her….but can you really blame him?... and explains that the fate of the nation depends on his ability to rescue Jack so Jack can save the world.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Because she clearly knows that RoboBill could not do it alone….otherwise she would have sent him to stop the trade…..right?

So the Spoon has Mini out in the middle of nowhere at the beach.  Papa calls and says, turn off the satellites, send the chopper away and wait.  Marilyn is hysterical, as usual, and needs to be restrained.  But her whining is making everyone second guess their decision to sacrifice Mini.  Chloe is unusually grumpy and scowly this hour and she keeps bickering with Morris about whether this is the right thing to do.  Morris takes it upon himself to let the Spoon know there is no other option, you’re doing the right thing and the Spoon goes, the next time I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Snap!! 

RoboBill rescues Jack from CTU clutches.  Karen is arrested for helping Jack.  Milo’s brother shows up at CTU to collect his brother’s body.  And if Nadia didn’t feel guilty before…well she sure does now.  Mini is begging the Spoon to save him.  RoboNadia calls and warns him that Jack is on the way and he's maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  Spoon says, I can take him.  But I have the feeling that he might help Jack instead of stand in his way.  I think Mini might be having some effect on him. 

So the boat pulls up with Papa’s goons to take away Mini.  The Spoon says, show me the chip.  Except when he tries to authenticate it, it explodes in his face.  OH NO!!!  The Spoon has been blinded!!  Jack and RoboBill pull up just in time to see the boat speeding away.  Jack tells Nadia that the Spoon has been wounded.  And she’s all worried….you could have had Milo, Nadia…..you could have had two good eyes to stare into but noooOOOOooooo…and everybody realizes for the 400^th time today that Jack is always right.  Come on Jack, you know you want to –

“I told you so.”  I would so be throwing that in their faces…

Chloe faints and I just can’t handle this.  Nothing can happen to Chloe.  That would just be too much to handle.  Mini gets to the oil rig where Papa is hiding out.  Jack and Papa have a Jedi mind-meld moment when Jack realizes that Papa is close by because he feels a disturbance in the Force.  The Chinese are coming to pick up Papa and Mini in their submarine.  Morris is concerned about Chloe but the doctor won’t release any info to him because they’re divorced.  And just as an aside, the Veep is trying to avoid WWIII with the Kremlin and keeps putting off the Russian President.  He realizes Karen was right and being the President is really really hard.  Was it just me, or was that little speech just pathetic?  Yeah…you moron….being the President is difficult.  Huge epiphany.  So anyway, in order to save the country, the Veep agrees to bomb the oil platform into the bottom of the sea, little innocent kids potentially in the line of fire be damned!! 

Jack says he’s going after Mini.  RoboBill conveniently knows how to fly a chopper and agrees to go with him.  Bad move RoboBill, I am guessing you will not survive this dastardly plan.  Nadia tells them, this is suicide.  I cannot authorize this.  And Jack goes….get this…I don’t need your authorization Nadia (no s&^%^&, they’re already in the chopper for crying out loud), I need your help.  After getting confirmation from RoboBill that she is not a total screw up, Nadia agrees. 

Loose Chang who is on the oil rig, warns Papa about the incoming chopper and says get on the boat to meet the sub that will take you to China while I blow this chopper out of the air.  So the chopper lands, and Jack starts shooting his automatic rifle on the oil rig.  Is it just me, or is this a major fire hazard?  HAHAHAHHA.  So anyway, after they blow up Chang, Jack goes after Papa.  Papa in the meantime is trying to force Mini onto the boat, when Mini grabs a crowbar or something and bops him over the head and snatches his gun.  Hmmmm?  Like father, like son?  Hmmmmmmm?  So Papa says, you’re not gonna shoot me.  Wanna bet, gramps?  Mini shoots him right in the shoulder and that’s when Jack shows up.  Jack tells Mini to head to the chopper because the fighter jets, they are a comin’.  Papa tells Jack to finish him off, and Jack says No, You’re going to be held accountable.  Then after Papa says, you don’t have enough time to carry me and you don’t want to die like this….Jack says, you’re going to get off easy.  And that was it.  That the big showdown between father and son that I have been eagerly anticipating this entire season…………major major letdown.  But the show’s not over yet.

Actually….it kind of is.  With a half hour left in the season finale, the jets bomb the oil rig.  The chopper barely takes off in time.  Jack jumps into the ocean because he’s not going back to CTU.  Mini is reunited with his hysterical mother.  Chloe finds out she’s preggers.  The One-Eyed Spoon will live.  Karen is released and RoboBill is pardoned.  The Kremlin calls off their troops.  And it all ends with Jack going to see Audrey.  He’s really angry with Papa Raines for telling him that he’s cursed.  He says, how dare you.  How.  Dare.  You.  Come on Jack, I could have thought of a lot more colorful things to say to the man.  He’s screaming in Papa Raines’ face and he’s turning a little….well….a little Rambo-ish.  Didn’t someone say once that he would totally lose it, eventually.  Yes, I think someone did.  Someone who is clearly brilliant.  Papa Raines says, you can’t protect her.  And Jack realizes that he is right.  He says goodbye to Audrey in a very touchy-feely emotional scene and then he storms off onto the balcony and looks out over the sea…..fade to black.

Um.  WHAT?!?!?!?  That was it!?!?!?!  No way.  Where’s the cliffhanger?  Where’s the teaser?!  What is this nonsense?  Is this drama?  Nononononononononono…we don’t need no stinkin’ drama.  We need action and suspense.  ACTION AND SUSPENSE.  AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  This is completely unacceptable. 

So after that completely useless waste of two hours of my precious time, here’s some other more interesting things to wrap up the show –

The Body Count

1. Papa Bauer (?) exploded by fighter jets on an oil rig....maybe
2. Milo Pressman shot in the head because Nadia was too chicken to stand up
3. Gredenko, the one-armed man bleeds to death in the ocean under the pier
4. Fayed is hung by chains after Jack beats him up
5. Assad exploded by the Presidential podium bomb
6. Baldy poisoned by Papa because he was a terrible son
7. Rita and McCarthy during their botched attempt to deliver Morris to Fayed
8. Curtis shot in the neck by Jack Bauer
9. Ahmed died of gunshot wound from crazy neighbor
10. Ray, Numair and half of downtown Valencia blown up by a nuclear bomb
11. Masheer commits suicide by blowing himself up in a storage unit
12. 482 terrorist people shot and killed by Jack Bauer with his trusty 9mm handgun

On the Injured Reserve

1. President Palmer is unconscious because his veins exploded because he kept getting injected with adrenaline
2. Alien Aide is in the hospital after having been throttled by Daniel Jackson
3. Audrey Raines is in a catatonic zombie state
4. RainMan’s brother shot while CTU broke into his apartment
5. The Spoon blinded in at least one eye by a fake exploding chip
6. Markov, aka Frankie Four Fingers, lost a pinky to a cigar cutter
7. President Logan stabbed with a kiwi knife
8. Morris O’Brian drilled in the shoulder and then enabled the nuclear bombs
9. Walid attacked in a prison riot when he was spying on innocent people

So that’s it.  That’s basically the season.  We learned that people value nationalism over individual human life.  We learned that your friends will always let you down.  We learned that it’s hard to be the President and even harder to be a dad.  We learned that being willing to deal with the consequences of your actions will inevitably ensure that there will be no consequences.  We learned that you can survive a nuclear bomb as long as you’re upwind.  And in the end, through some existential awakening, Jack may have realized that his loyalty and his duty have made it impossible for him to ever find happiness.  This country that he has fought, and bled for, has made him into a soulless killer. 

We also learned that I have way too much time on my hands to be writing these reviews.  It was pretty good, but all in all not one of the best.  I hope next year they step it up a notch.  Chloe’s baby will learn how to scowl correctly.  The Spoon will be known from now on as ‘Patch’ (predicted by GAAPman).  Karen and RoboBill will retire and never be heard from again.  And quite possibly….Jack Bauer may have another really really bad day.  By the way, some of you need to refocus your priorities….I mean bowling, running schedules, cryptic messages at 4:30 in the pm……seriously, what could possibly be more important than watching this season finale.  I would like to say that the GAAPman successfully guilted me into attending his soiree at Wayne Manor….which was fantastic.  Unfortunately the 56 other people GAAPman was apparently expecting did not get to enjoy the spread of food he prepared, but I had a blast.  Wayne Manor lived up to its expectations and watching the show with the Bachelor, Sci-Fi Guy, and Mr. Motor Trend was pretty cool.  I didn't even mind spending the $97 on gas that my car burned up driving through four counties to get there.  Thanks for the invite, GAAPman.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow….

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.  It is a tale told by an Idiot (your welcome), full of sound and fury (and the occasional nuclear explosion)….signifying Nothing.

Until next season guys,

Heather

The following takes place between 3a.m. and 4a.m.  We’re so close to the end!!!  All of my reality TV shows are wrapping up.  I can feel the anxious panic begin to set in….I will soon be going through withdrawal.  It’s a pretty awful experience.  I do it every season.  Shakes, nervous tics, etc.  I highly recommend no one talk to me for at least a month…not that I ever go out of my way to talk to you guys anyway. 

So where were we?  The Water Torturers have mini-Jack and Marilyn is completely freaking out.  Nadia gets punched because she tries to step in.  Jack says, I can calm her down.  HAHAHAHA.  Yeah me too.  Nothing a good hard slap across the face wouldn’t cure.  The Water Torturers are moving everyone to another room and then they’re going to leave.  Well.  That sounds easy enough.  A little too easy.  Maybe they’re going to try to blow up the building or something…Jack tells Nadia, we can’t get locked up in that room or we’ll never get the chip so follow my lead.  Really Jack?  Nadia was the best you could come up with in this little scenario?  She weighs about 80 pounds soaking wet and she’s the one you pick to back you up?  Whatever.  So of course Jack clobbers one of the Water Torturers and Nadia apparently is some kind of jujitsu kung fu master karate chopping guys down.  Morris has somebody in a choke hold.  It’s non-stop action and then Nadia’s guy has a gun to her head and their arm wrestling for it when all of the sudden – BLAMMO.  The Spoon is here to save the day!!!  He did read her mind!!!  Jack says we gotta go.  And Nadia goes, in typical RoboNadia fashion, you’re still under arrest Jack. HA!  Like that has ever stopped him before.  The Spoon asks about casualties and Nadia tells him about Milo (like he cares).  He asks if she’s ok.  Seriously?  IS SHE OK?!?!?  No Spoon, women who have witnessed nuclear bombs exploding (remember that?), been tortured, and been two feet away from a guy who got shot right in the head are not OK.  Your alien leaders should have taught you about feelings before they sent you here!!

So anyway, Jack and the Spoon are after the kid.  Loose Chang has mini-Jack and calls Papa Bauer.  Papa wants to talk to Mini and he says, I am a traitor, you need to learn Chinese.  I’m just paraphrasing here people.  Basically, he’s totally nuts.  Jack is after the Water Torturers like an Olympic tri-athlete…very spry for someone who’s been tortured himself today (remember that?).  And he can apparently run a whole lot faster than the rest of the team because its basically him against all the bad guys.  Hurry up Spoon!!  In the end, Jack gets Mini and Loose Chang gets away.  Typical.  But here’s the best part – Mini tells Jack about Papa….and I think I could actually see the fire shooting out of his eyes…..…..this is gonna get good!!

So Karen gets updated on the Veep’s extracurricular affairs and Weasel’s plan to trick the Russians.  So cut to all the heavy breathing between our Alien Aide and Dr. Daniel Jackson.  Weasel Face is unimpressed.  Heehee.  She’s acting so weird I think anyone would get suspicious.  So Jackson doesn’t fall for the bait, instead he starts questioning Alien Aide.  So naturally she smashes a wine bottle over his head and starts beating him with a lamp.  And he starts choking her when all the secret service guys break the door down.  Weasel says, well I guess I don’t have to introduce myself.  Go along with the plan or its death by firing squad.  That’s not really what he said, but you get the idea.  Loose Chang tells Papa, I lost the kid.  Papa says, no kid, no chip, no deal.  Chang wants his chip and Papa says, don’t threaten me or you’ll regret it.  Yeah…um….Chang you’re talking to a man who has a chip that enables nuclear bombs.  I would be a little nicer if I were you. 

So the new RoboBoss shows up….as usual, it is the most inopportune time possible.  And he’s the very stereotypical jackass…blaming poor tiny Nadia for everything that went wrong.  Clearly a more experienced person could have disarmed a room full of terrorists with their Jedi mind tricks.  Morris says, don’t worry about it Nadia…at least you’re not as bad as me.  Which again, is not exactly what he said, but you get the idea.  Nadia is upset, so she’s not RoboNadia anymore….just Nadia.  The Veep tries lying to the Kremlin, but they already know all about Weasel’s plan to trick them.  They say, get the chip or we will rain destruction down on your puny country.  I think the Kremlin has been tipping back a few too many vodka martinis because that’s just ridiculous.  Oh, and in classic ‘24’ perfect scenario form – the Kremlin gives them two hours exactly to avoid WWIII.  Why not three?  <wink?  I’m just saying….three is better than two.  Two is practically nothing….So, Jack finally lets Marilyn know that Mini is ok….she seems to know more about Papa’s plans than she’s letting on….maybe I’m just being paranoid…or maybe its just because I don’t like her….Weasel is back at the Oval Office and guess who calls?  That’s right.  Papa wants to deal with the White House now.  Forget the Chinese.  Chinese is too hard to learn anyway.  So here’s the deal – the kid for the chip.  Seems fair?  Karen of course says, oh noooooooo we can’t do that.  Weasel Face of course says, sure we can.  So cut back to Jack and Mini having a father-son….oh, oh I mean uncle-nephew bonding moment.  Someone says, Jack you have an emergency phone call.  And Jack walks away from Mini which is when the Spoon runs in and grabs him.  Jack’s been tricked!!!!  Betrayed again!!!!  By the government that clearly doesn’t give a %^^$*( about his mental/physical/emotional state of being.  Foiled again. 

So the season finale is next week.  This is very exciting.  Except now I have to think of a good excuse not to go to Wayne Manor for the end-of-season wrap-up show party fiesta.  I have no doubt that the GAAPman will be expecting me…

Later,

Heather

The following takes place between 2a.m. and 3a.m.  The end is near.  Strap yourselves in, kids….it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.  Last night’s episode may have been the best 24 episode I have ever seen.  And it starts off with RoboNadia telling Jack that Papa Raines is filing for a restraining order against him.  He’ll never be able to see Audrey again.  And now he’s locked up in CTU, helpless and unable to vindicate himself.  He gives RoboNadia the Intimidator Stare when she tells him, no you can’t go blow up the Water Torturers because you’re under arrest….quite honestly, I do not think I would have the balls to say no to this man.  He looks like he could rip your arms off if he thinks about it hard enough.  But RoboNadia lost her soul when she got promoted….so she is unaffected.  RoboNadia tells him a new RoboBoss is on the way from HQ.  Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.  Someone else to get in Jack’s way.  You know things worked a lot better around here when Jack was in charge.

Milo is telling Chloe to do something and Chloe is giving him the Pouty Scowl.  Milo says, is something wrong?  And Morris goes, well yeah I broke up with her.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Chloe says, shut up Morris.  Morris says, stay out of it Milo.  Yeah Milo, mind your own business.  RoboNadia gives Spoon and the Utensils their marching orders – break in to Bloomfield, get the chip, kill the Water Torturers…or something like that.  She says, good luck.  And then she tells the Spoon to be careful.  You know….the whole “tension” thing they have between them gives me the eebie geebies.  Seriously.  He THROTTLED you Nadia!!!  That’s not great boyfriend material.  And Milo is watching in the background.  Well if it wasn’t creepy enough, now the sado-masochists have a voyeur in the picture too. 

And look who it is?  Mini-Jack and Blue Eyes…what’s her name….crap….its been so long I don’t remember.  Marilyn!  That’s right.  They are still sitting in some holding cell in CTU, apparently completely oblivious to the last 8 or 9 hours or so.  You know…maybe it was just me….but seeing the two of them talking….I kind of expected a mini train to come choo chooing into the room.  Some of you will get that.  And if you did, welcome to my nightmare.  Chloe feels obligated to clue Marilyn in to the Resurrection of Audrey (not really, she’s just a zombie).  Marilyn looks very very disappointed.  Hmmmm…why am I getting the feeling that Marilyn might have had something to do with Audrey’s capture?  I’ll tell you why.  This show has made me completely paranoid in a totally irrational way.  I see conspiracy all the time now. 

So Weasel Face is telling our little Alien Aide how to set up Dr. Daniel Jackson.  She’s says, um I don’t think I can do this.  And the Veep goes, well of course you can, you lied to me so well!  That’s the spirit!  Great pep talk!  Marilyn wants to see Jack so she can tell him, you know since Audrey’s a zombie….I’m still around.  You know, I’ll have to bury my husband (your brother) first, but after that I’m totally free.  See?  That is kind of weird…right?  And now we get to meet the newest member of the Water Torturers.  I seriously doubt the New Bad Guy will be around long enough to earn a nickname so I’m not going to bother.  The Spoon is closing in on Bloomfield…but right away it doesn’t feel like we’re in the right place – because the Water Torturers have green backlighting in their room and the Spoon has blue backlighting in his room.  Can’t be right….right?  So Bad Guy is drilling in to the ground to get something, his package…heehee…not his package, the package.  Follow along here people.  The Spoon comes up empty…you're looking for a green room Spoon!!  But he does find a big pile of empty gun boxes.  Good job!  And then we find out that the Bad Guy is drilling in to CTU!?!?!?!  WHAT!?!?!?!?  You can do that!?!?!?!? 

Morris is trying to talk to Chloe.  Chloe says, this is awkward.  She apologizes again.  And Morris tells her that she was speaking the truth, whether she believed it or not, and he didn’t break up with her because of what she said, he broke up with her because of what he did.  Awwwwwwwwwwww…they’re setting him up.  I can feel it.  Big heroic sacrifice right around the corner!!!  So Alien Aide is back with Dr. Jackson, trying not to get him suspicious and not do anything embarrassing because everyone is watching.  Smile pretty for the camera!! 

Seriously.  Bombing their way in to CTU?!?!  Are they after Morris to fix their chip!?!?!  That seems a little overkill.  Maybe they’re after Jack.  RoboNadia feels guilty about Milo and tells him she just needs time to sort things out.  Yeah Milo, it’s been a pretty hectic day so far.  So the Water Torturers successfully knock out all communications to CTU  That seemed a little too easy…but we’re running short on time here.  Security lost their cameras and RoboNadia issues a Code Red.  YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!  Oh….Oh sorry.  The Water Torturers are running amok in CTU and Jack is loose.  Hmmmm….did someone compare this show to Die Hard earlier?  I think someone did.  Someone who is clearly brilliant.  So Bad Guy is asking, who’s in charge?  And Milo, such a gentleman, says it’s me.  He stands up.  And then Bad Guy shoots him right in the skull…………uhhhhhhhhhhh………what?  That wasn’t supposed to happen!?!?!?!  That’s crazy!?!?!?!?  Milo is dead?!?!?!?  Nadia, why didn’t you stand up?  He wouldn’t have killed someone so little!!  Now you'll never have the chance to tell him that you'll be dating the Spoon!!!!AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE.  But that did also happen in the first Die Hard movie, remember?  So Mini-Jack and Marilyn are trying to hold off the terrorists and Jack McClane comes blasting his way in and saves the day….now they’re trying to escape through the air ducts (Die Hard again)….but Jack McClane and Marilyn get caught.  The Spoon is trying to call in and RoboNadia has to pretend like everything is ok….but the Spoon can read her mind and knows something is wrong….Bad Guy announces over the speaker system that Mini-Jack has 10 seconds to come out or his mom will be shot.  That’s just sooooooooooo not fair.  So now Bad Guy and the Water Torturers have the entire CTU bunker under control.  This is not good. 

And then Loose Change makes the call.  We’ve got the package.  It’s Mini-Jack they were after all along.  Because…………Papa Bauer is behind everything.  BRILLIANT!!!  He's fixing the chip.  It’s all coming together now kids.  All the old players are back in the scene.  RoboBill will be back to help the Spoon.  Morris can still make his heroic sacrifice.  And Jack is gonna walk through broken glass and then drop somebody off the roof.    I'm just saying....that would make sense.

This is sooooooooooooooooo exciting.  I can’t wait to see how it all ends.

Till next week,

Heather

The following takes place between 1 am and 2 am.  We’re getting close to the end here guys.  I hope they wrap everything up in a nice neat little package….I don’t think I can handle another cliffhanger like last year.  So Audrey is completely useless right now.  The Spoon is trying to talk to her and that’s not working at all.  Why don’t you try strangling her, Spoon?  Some good old-fashioned torture tactics might work here.  RoboNadia is trying to run CTU and as we are all well aware at this point, running this place is like being a kindergarten teacher – everybody could desperately use a nap or a snack.  Morris wants a transfer to get away from Chloe.  DE.  NIED.  Sorry Morris.  RoboNadia could care less about your problems.  The Spoon tells Nadia that everything is his fault (that’s right, stupid Spoon), but RoboNadia is not hearing it.  So what if Jack had everything under control, and by “control” I, of course mean, he had everything rigged with C4 and was gonna blow himself up.  Nadia says, arrest him anyway.  Jack says, “I can get through to Zombie Audrey…I’ve been through the same thing.”  Well, this makes lots of sense, doesn’t it?  Let one psycho talk to another….

Karen is talking to the Veep and apparently everything is ok between them now.  Sorry you had to fire your husband, says the Veep.  How sweet.  So his Alien Aide is apparently having a secret tryst with….what?....who’s this?......Dr. Daniel Jackson from Stargate!!!!!!!  No, I don’t know his real name.  And please, this is important so pay attention everyone.  I watch Stargate on Netflix after it has been released on DVD.  Both Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis.  I have NOT been watching the current season.  ANYONE who tells me what is going on right now will REGRET it.  NO SPOILERS!!!!  And yes, I liked Macgyver better leading the team too.  So anyway, Mr. Kremlin knows that the Water Torturers have the chip.  How did he find out?  Well, there’s a spy.  Of course there is…there always is….so we can still be worried about WWIII.  Awesome.  But wait!  Cut to the Water Torturers and we find out that the chip is broken and its useless….unless they can find some techie person to fix it….hmmmmmm…..is anyone else thinking what I am thinking?  That’s right.  Morris.  Oh, the irony. 

The spy?  Well.  They didn’t let us think about this one too long.  It’s cutie patootie Daniel Jackson.  Awwwww, why does he have to be the bad guy?  Chloe confronts Morris about his transfer and she says I’m sorry.  Too late Chloe.  Your sarcasm finally went too far, my dear.  She really hurt his feelings.  Yeah…I get that.  I’m not sure you could ever successfully ‘take back’ the whole you aided terrorists in their plot to destroy the world accusation.  You can’t really make that sound like a joke…you know?  So Dr. Nutcase is here to look at Audrey and be totally in the way.  Jack is pleading with the Spoon and since the Spoon knows they wouldn’t be in this particular situation if he had just let Jack blow himself up….he decides to let Jack go. 

So Weasel Face tells the Veep that his Alien Aide is the leak.  Apparently he automatically jumps to the conclusion that she must be sleeping with Dr. Jackson.    Men….always have sex on the brain.  And then, this was kind of funny….the Veep goes….well crap, I’m sleeping with her too!  HAHAHAHAHHAA.  And Weasel Face scrunches his face up into the weirdest expression.  Let’s try to turn this frown upside down, shall we?  He says, let’s make it work for us.  So after Jack fake-chokes the Spoon, he’s running amok through CTU to save Audrey from Dr. Nutcase.  And Milo tells Nadia that if she had just let Jack see Audrey in the first place, none of this would have happened.  Yeah Nadia, everyone else who has ever been in charge already knew that you always let Jack do whatever he wants to do.  Come oooooooooooooooon….

Jack is trying to talk to Zombie Audrey now.  This was a very sweet scene…I like to be reminded every now and again why a movie actor would go slumming on TV.  He says, I love you with all my heart.  Awwwwwwwwwwwww………and then they come blasting through the door.  Jack is screaming and everyone is screaming and that Dr. Nutcase better be pretty concerned about Jack getting a hold of him….and then Audrey says ‘Bloomfield’.  And that makes everything ok.  She probably could have said ‘Fat Penguins’ at that point and been successful at diffusing the situation.  Remember people, she’s a zombie.  And the only thing zombies want to do is eat your brains.

Papa Raines is here now for his daughter.  And Jack sees him.  Papa Raines says stay away from my daughter.  Jack says, I’ll always take care of her.  I know this is my fault.  Then Papa Raines says what we have all been thinking for the past five years………………..

You’re cursed, Jack.  Everything you touch ends up dead.

So here’s my brilliantly insightful prediction – Morris will get hijacked by the Chinese Water Torturers to fix their chip but instead he will end up spoiling their evil plot and sacrificing himself in the process.  Weasel Face will find a way to make himself President.  RoboBill will divorce Karen.  RoboNadia will end up with the Spoon in a weird sado-masochistic relationship.  Chloe will end up with Milo because no one else is left.  Dr. Daniel Jackson will travel through a wormhole to another planet.  And Jack?

Jack will save the cheerleader.

Later guys,

Heather

‘Heroes’ is back on.  We’re all at a business conference.  So no one is reading this.  But that’s ok, I’ll write it anyway.  Rambo Jack is now on the run.  The Spoon is calling RoboBill, I screwed up.  Oh boy.  Now the Spoon is after Jackie Boy.  Now RoboBill is lecturing the office, Jack has gone rogue and he asks Chloe if he can trust her to help him.  Come ON RoboBill, you should know by now that she is always gonna side with Jack.  After all, they’ve been through a lot together.

So Morris and Chloe are trying to work together…hmmmmm….this is awkward.  Milo points out to Chloe that Audrey is probably more important to Jack than anything else.  Good point, Milo….is this because of Nadia?  So Coma Boy is back in a Coma.  The Veep is back in power.  His Alien Aide is creeeeeeeeepy as ever with her creeeeeeeeeepy eyes.  The Veep asks Weasel Face if he can put their differences aside.  What follows is perhaps the weirdest conversation I have ever heard about the country needing stability regardless of what kind of crooked crazy man is in charge.  And we end up with Weasel Face saying he’s on the Veep’s side.  And now Weasel Face wants Karen around…hmmmm…nice change of heart.  I think ol’ Weasel is playing games here. 

So Jack tells the Chinese Water Torturers to meet him somewhere else because CTU is hot on his trail.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we find out that the Veep has the hots for the Alien Aide.  Can other people actually see her?  This isn’t like Battlestar Gallactica, is it?  So the Spoon is tracking Jack.  Morris calls Chloe hostile and they are at each other’s throats. Morris is calling Chloe irrational.  So Chloe gets Milo to help her.  And in the midst of the fight, Chloe calls him on being responsible for the whole day.  OUCH.  Oh my goodness, that was quite evil.  And quite true. 

So the Justice Department wants to talk to Karen.  And apparently he’s been talking to Mr. Hilary Swank.  Holy cow.  Reed has not vanished into the CTU Bermuda Triangle.  Swank has evidence against Karen about having Fayed and then letting him go.  Oh boy.  This is not good.  Karen says no big deal, it’s all legit.  Justice Guy says, then why retire?  Justice Guy says someone has to be responsible – either you or RoboBill….you decide.  Oh boy. 

So Karen tells Weasel Face about Swank.  Weasel Face points out that is should be RoboBill who takes the blame.  Umm…..I don’t think Weasel is married.  Is Karen loyal to Coma Boy or to her Hubby.  Listen…..I know just based on the divorce rate in this country many of you (generic You) would have no problem turning in your Hubby….but if you have ever been in love, then you know….that could never happen.

Rambo Jack asks RoboBill to take care of Audrey.  Quite poignant.  Everyone is getting very mushy in this episode….this is very out of character for the whole show.  Morris requests a transfer to get away from his ex-wife.  RoboBill says ok.  Karen talks to RoboBill now and explains the situation – and in very dramatic RoboBill fashion…he says, how are you gonna distance yourself from me, I’m your husband.  He is ridiculously unemotional about the whole thing.  He hangs up on her.  Good man.  I would hang up too.  You’re an ass, Karen. 

The Spoon has found him.  Oh boy.  Now RoboBill wants to talk to Nadia.  He’s quitting….ummmm….hasn’t he already done this?  He tells Nadia he was fired.  Nadia is acting director.  That’s a big change from being tortured about three hours ago.  RoboBill says, do the best you can.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Nice advice.  Nadia says, it shouldn’t be me.  RoboBill says, yes it should.  So now, it’s all up to the teeny tiny Muslin model. The look on Morris’ face is priceless (does this mean no transfer?).  Milo is rolling his eyes.  Chloe is biting her lip. 

 So the Spoon has got him.  The Water Torturer’s pull up in their limo.  Mista Bower?  Loose Chang says, bring in Audrey?  Rambo Jack says…..I’m sorry.  Audrey has to walk away.  Our most desperate moments are our saddest moments.  Rambo Jacks throws Loose Chang the circuit and then the Spoon screws everything up.  Well, we all saw that coming from a mile away.  And the Water Torturers have a rocket launcher….well of course they do.  The Black Hummers disappear into the night.  Rambo Jack explains to the Spoon that you screwed it all up.  Stupid Spoon.  Nadia says place Jack under arrest. 

And the cruelest blow of all……..poor Audrey………doesn’t even know……that she’s been saved.

Oh Lordy this episode was very emotional. 

I think I care how it ends now…..oh boy.

Later,

Heather

Well. This got much better than I expected….

I need to preface today’s recap by saying that I got home last night after spending the entire day rooting and screaming for the Ou’s (Baltimore pronunciation) in sub-zero degree weather.  Besides the fact that my eyebrows still have not thawed out….it was a good game.  The Ou’s won….beat the Tigers.  We were sitting in Section 6 next to the scoreboard.  And I got my Ou’s magnet for the car….very exciting.  The reason I am telling you all this is…..it was a long day….and I was delirious with fatigue by the time we got home…..so this probably won’t make any sense at all….

The day started at 6 a.m.  It’s now 10 p.m.  (I mean the show, not my day)  You remember the way last week ended, with Coma Boy launching the nukes?  So….this should be interesting…Weasel Face is pleading with Coma Boy to not launch the nukes.  Now, either I have completely lost it, or else it’s a little late for this conversation.  Karen calls RoboBill to ask him to lie to Coma Boy about the status of the bomb hunt.  RoboBill says, you know I can’t do that.  Oh sure….bend the rules for everyone else….but you can’t lie to the President.  <sheesh>  What a hypocrite.  Four minutes to impact and the Ambassador from our Mystery Country calls and says “Please stop!!”  Coma Boy shows some surprising chutzpa and tells him you better come up with some answers or else we will blow your Mystery Country in to a million tiny pieces.  So Ambassador says, oh yeah…we forgot to tell you…there’s this General who we’re interrogating who has the answers.  Huh.  This seems very convenient.  But Coma Boy has his answers and says abort the mission.  Oh.  Oh yeah.  I guess that was always an option.  It did not occur to me last week that you could abort.  And then we find out that they weren’t even real bombs.  Well….hand that man an Oscar because I was certainly fooled.  I kind of like this new Bad Ass Prez.  That’s something kind of different….of course with his hands shaking like that….we’re probably going to find out in a couple of minutes that he has brain damage or something.

So Jack is beating the crap out of Fayed.  Yesssssssssssssssssssss.  Go Jack.  Drill him in the shoulder!!!  RoboBill calls with Update #1 of the night and tells Jack about Habib.  The Spoon says, ‘Oo.  OO.  Me next!!!  I want to torture somebody!!!’  Jack says, just relax Spoon, I’m in command here.  So they are transporting Fayed back to CTU for Burke’s Carnival of Chemical Interrogation.  And Burke looks like such a normal person.  But get this, as they are deciding to move Fayed…Jack goes….”Now we’re gonna have some fun.”  Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes!!!  Scary Jack gives me the eebie geebies.  FUN?  That’s fun for you?!?  <nervous laugh>  Ok….most people have more mainstream hobbies like building miniature battleships or polishing Corvettes….that sort of thing.  So they’re moving Fayed and the van gets hijacked.  You know what…I am so sick of this….shouldn’t they know by now that this sort of thing always…..oh.  Oh, they did know.  My bad.  So Fayed has been ‘rescued’ by a fake terrorist team to get him to talk.  Brilliant!!  Except now he wants to talk to Habib.  Oh s%^t.  Why can’t this ‘saving the world’ nonsense ever be easy!!

Coma Boy asks Ambassador if anyone has threatened Habib’s family to get him to talk and everyone acts so shocked about this suggestion.  Come ON!!  Like you never chopped anyone’s hands off before to get some information…<shaking my head>…..let’s just stop pretending people.  Oh, and we find out that Sandra has gone to see Walid.  So he apparently still exists somewhere in the 24 Universe.  Milo is jealous of the Spoon because Nadia asked if he needed medical assistance.  Come on Milo….why shouldn’t she be suddenly attracted to the guy who was torturing her like two hours ago?  Maybe she’s in to that?  You never know.  Morris steps in and says is everything ok?  <remember this is his fault….he enabled the bombs….remember?>  So they get Habib on the phone to talk to Fayed, except he warns Fayed with some kind of secret code word, which Nadia (not a spy?) figures out.  RoboBill calls with Update #2 to tell Jack about the set-up and so Jack calls the fake terrorist team to tell them about the set-up except now it’s too late. 

The fake terrorist team has apparently been foiled by the real terrorist team in the Magic Tunnel of Cellphone Interference.  Jack runs in to the Tunnel…by himself….to thwart the rescue attempt….which apparently was simply Fayed shooting an entire CTU team and getting away.  Jack sees Fayed stealing a truck and so….naturally…..he climbs under the truck to hitch a ride.  Then………this was hysterical………..he tries calling RoboBill for Update #3 from the bottom of the truck.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Come on.  That’s just ridiculous.  I hope they don’t go over any speed bumps.  Fayed gets to the safehouse with Jack still on board.  Fayed tells his men, get the bombs and let’s get the hell out of here.  So Jack:

1. Does not call for back-up. 

2. Ninja’s the look-out and creeps inside with one gun.  

3. Opens fire on an entire room full of terrorists….who he manages to kill pretty quickly and now he’s fighting with Fayed. 

Come on Jack….you already beat the crap out of him like 20 minutes ago….this can’t be too hard.  After a gruesome fight, Jack hangs him in some chains.  So the terrorists are dead.  The bombs have been located.  Coma Boy’s veins are exploding as we speak.  Jack has survived another harrowing experience and close call with imminent death to save the world from nuclear annihilation.  But wait………………………………………………………..

It’s only 10 p.m.?!?!?!?  We still have like…SEVEN hours to go?  Um………..what the hell is going on here?

And then the phone rings.  Something bad always happens when the phone rings…..it’s for Jack.  Hello?  It’s Audrey.  Well…of course it is.

Are we having fun yet?  Yes.  Yes, we are.

So, we have a few people who are MIA, including Unabomber (is he dead or not?), his Crazy Wife (jail?), Walid (not that I really care about his character), and Papa Bauer (?????????).  All pictures on the sides of milk cartons in the CTU cafeteria.  And our man Jack has been shot, stabbed, blown up, beaten, quit, and come back…..all after getting released from a Chinese prison where he was apparently tortured…………this morning.  Just want to make sure none of you forget this.  A lot has happened.  Maybe he’s invincible.  Maybe he’s immortal.  Or maybe he’s just a killer.  <smile>  The following takes place between 9p.m. and 10p.m.

The Dead Zone Prez is asking for adrenaline to keep him looking perky for the Cabinet.  Doctor Death explains that his veins could explode….but the Prez says….you know what, this venti espresso just isn’t cutting it….so shoot me up, Doc.  Jack checks in with RoboBill and tells him about Boris and his offer to give them Fayed.  RoboBill says, it’s your call Jack.  You know what I am realizing here…..RoboBill doesn’t do a whole lot.  He talks to people on the phone.  He’s an updater.  He tells Jack that the Veep is challenging the Prez under the 25^th amendment.  Doctor Doom testifies that the Prez should be ok.  The Prez says, just because I was in a coma 12 minutes ago doesn’t mean I can’t rule this country.  The Veep says anyone who doesn’t agree with me must be insane.  The Cabinet gets 10 minutes to decide the fate of mankind.

We’re back at CTU and Milo is telling Nadia not to forget about The Kiss.  <sigh>  Milo, Milo….<head shaking>…..now the Spoon wants to talk to Nadia.  He says sorry we got off on the wrong foot.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  You throttled her, Spoon…..but go ahead and call that the ‘wrong foot’.  Nadia at least calls him on his ridiculous understatement.  The Spoon wants her to spy on Milo, he thinks Milo is to blame for the security parameter screw up thing.  Why do I have to keep reminding these people that Morris is the one that gave them the bombs?  He was the one that was drilled in the back.  He’s the one that’s a relapsing alcoholic.  Shouldn’t he be high on the list of screw ups?  So anyway, Spoon convinces Nadia that she should sneak around behind Milo’s back for his own good.  Um….where did Fork go?

Weasel Face is explaining to the Cabinet that tonight you vote for who you want to win, not who you want to vote off the island.  It’s a tie.  Well.  That’s dramatic.  Except the sore loser Veep says, hold on.  Karen doesn’t count because she quit.  Everybody gets very huffy.  The AG said we need the Supreme Court.  And the Prez is looking pretty woozy.  Weasel Face is telling the Veep that he’s on the side of the American People.  I cannot stand that this guy is supposed to be a good now….that’s just weird.  Nadia finds out the Milo screwed up….but then the Spoon fixes it…..which I’m sure is against the law in some way……but since no one who works for CTU apparently has any regard for the laws of this nation, why not.  The Spoon quotes the Koran.  And then tells Nadia that he’s read all the religious texts and not found his answers….why was that such a weird comment to make?  A lot of people are agnostic Spoon, get over yourself.  And Milo doesn’t trust Nadia again.  Wow….he’s pretty wishy washy, isn’t he?  Karen is blubbering to RoboBill on the phone about everything being her fault.  It’s not your fault Karen, it’s Morris’ fault.  RoboBill tells her you don’t have to thank me for listening to you, that’s my job.  Great.  RoboBill clearly does not appreciate how badly women will misinterpret Man-Speak.  That’s your job?!?!?!  You moron.

Oh yeah….the nukes.  So, we’re back to Jack and Boris………finally.  They’re meeting Fayed at the pier.  Scary Sandra is explaining to the Prez that you’re good to go.  You’re going to win.  Blondie is explaining to the Veep that he’s going to lose.  And then she’s says, but I can lie for you.  The ends justify the means.  Blah blah blah.  And then they tried to make it like she’s attracted to the Veep.  Yuck.  Really?  Then Weasel Face pops his head on.  Oh by the way, I bugged the room.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Snap.  That’s brilliant.  He’s got you!!!  Sucker.  Ok, so maybe I like him as a good guy.  Maybe.

So they’re pumping Boris full of some kind of alien serum that they will be able to track.  Come on.  What the hell.  Am I really supposed to believe this?  So they drop Boris and his Kryptonite-filled arm off at the pier.  He gets a text that says meet me around the corner.  Jack follows.  Boris tells Fayed that they’ve got him, but don’t worry, I can get us out of this.  Jack, it’s a trap?!?!?  Oh.  Nevermind.  It’s not.  He just chopped his arm off.  Um.  Ok.  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  So, Fayed and the One-Armed Man walk into a bar.  Boris goes, that’s the guy.  Get him.  All the alcoholics at the bar start going after Fayed, so he shoots a few them.  And then Jack shows up before they can beat him to death.  Awww, Jack, you’re no fun.  The Prez makes Doctor Who shoot him up again.  So what if my veins explode.  I need my wits about me.  RoboBill tells the Prez, this is gonna take a while.  Boris slumps away under the pier, where he will presumably bleed to death.  Karen wants to make nice with Weasel Face but then….they find out that the Prez is launching the bombs anyway?!?!?  No no no no no no, this isn’t right.  So, what was the point Coma Boy?  Why’d we even bother exploding your veins if this was all you were going to do?  But he did.  No last minute phone calls.  Bombs away! 

The one thing about livin’ in Santa Carla I never could stomach…………….all the damn nuclear bombs.

This is gonna get weird.

They kept the drone pilot alive….for like three seconds.  RoboBill tells Jack about the nuking plan….and he says, ‘What’s he trying to do?  Start WWIII?  Yes.  Yes, Jack he is…Boris and Fayed aren’t getting along.  Heehee.  Awesome, make the two guys that can blow up the world start going at each other.  Trouble in paradise.  Awesome.  Boris calls some random white guy to get security specs or something….except our random White Guy is actually using his Rainman brother to do the dirty work.  Well….of course he is.

Milo is spying on Nadia.  I guess he feels guilty for treating her like a traitor.  You should, jackass.  How can you possibly think that she is a terrorist spy?  She’s so tiny.  Chloe of course spotted the phone call from Boris to the random White Guy….so now Jack is on his way to do some interrogatin’.  And what’s this?  Some new guy talking to the Spoon.  He’s found evidence that will clear Nadia.  Ok, so let’s call him Fork.  For all you sci-fi nerds out there, he was on Stargate for a while.  But then Fork gives Spoon the evidence and alludes once again to the ‘incident in Denver’…..oh Fork.

So there is absolutely no chance that Scary Sister (aka Sandra) is going to agree with Karen and risk damaging her brother’s brain…………right?  Goes to show ya what I know.  She says, find me the doctor and let’s get this loser woken up.  HAHAHAHA.  That really didn’t take a whole lot of convincing.  It took like what?  Four minutes?  I think I would have taken at least 12 to decide about my sister.  And then while Weasel Face is briefing the Veep about possible mortality rates and consequences of a nuclear attack (? I wish I was paid to do that – yeah, you’re screwing us…that’s my assessment), the Veep finds out about the Awakening.  Uh oh.

Jack is busting down random White Guy’s door…but before we got to that, did anyone else notice the shameless product placement of Sprint’s Picture Mail?  <sigh>  I’m a Verizon person myself….Rainman is upset that they shot his brother.  So Jack is talking to him.  Oh geez….I don’t know if I’d let psycho Jack handle this guy….but that’s just me.  And now random White Guy has to make Rainman help get Boris or else Rainman will be tried for treason.  Give me a break.  Don’t let anything happen to him Jack!!! 

So Fork gives Milo the scoop on Spoon and Milo runs after the Spoon screaming about Denver.  Would somebody please tell me what the hell happened in Denver?!?!?!  This is ridiculous.  But the Spoon apparently gave the computer chip or whatever the hell it was to Morris and Morris (he was tortured remember? This is his fault remember?) comes running over and says, no…no everything’s ok.  RoboBill tells everyone to calm down, he’ll get to Nadia when he has time.  He’s such a care bear.  Milo apologizes.  And the Spoon tells the Fork to fork off.  Heehee. 

RoboBill lets Nadia go and in typical super-empathetic RoboBill-fashion tells her, don’t quit.  We need you.  There is absolutely no chance…no chance….I would not have at the very least turned around and said some nasty profanities to his face.  But I probably would have stuck around too.  And here’s Chloe with the comic relief for the week.  She goes….wow, I was so sure she was a traitor…..this is gonna be awkward.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ya think?  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.  Milo feels guilty.  Nadia tells him to back off.  And here we go….walking down Wisteria Lane.  Milo runs after her.  She says there’s no chance anything will happen between us.  And then……then……he grabs her and kisses her.                                Huh.                             Really.                               Well ok then.                             “I still wanted to say I’m sorry.”                       And just as I am being swept away in a nuclear age romance, Creepy Chloe is staring at them and I come crashing back down to reality.

The Doctor is saying the Prez will have brain damage, we have to re-induce the coma.  And Scary Sis says no.  You know what?  I don’t think I’d want her for a sister.  And by the way….it’s the president.  Should they really be calling for a code team when he crashes?  Shouldn’t these people just be in the room?  Jack’s prepping Rainman and assuring him that all airlines have crashed at some point.  The Alpha. Bravo and Charlie teams are in place.  Here comes Boris.  And there goes Boris with a ridiculously large elephant tranquilizer to the neck.  And nothing happens to Rainman.  Well good.  Some guy asks Jack if he wants help interrogating Boris and he says…huh….no.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  I think that meant, I’m gonna kick this guy in the face so you’d better stay out of my way.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Yessssssssssssss.  But then Boris wants to deal.  He’ll give Jack Fayed who has the bombs.  For crying out loud.  Will somebody please go to prison!!!!  The Veep says launch the nukes.  Weasel Face says no, you can’t.  The Veep says, I AM SURPEME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE AND THIS PIDDLY PLANET AND ALL ITS INHABITANTS SHALL FEAR ME!!!!!  Well…..that’s not exactly what he said.  But you get the idea.  I really thought they launched them.  For like 0.4 seconds, I was thinking…now how are they gonna get around this one?  And then of course, they get the call.  The Prez is back from the dead zone and he says, the decision is mine.

And then….this is classic…..truly truly American.  The Veep goes…………somebody get me a lawyer!!!!!!!!  

Call Wapner, I bet he knows a few.

<smile>

So, let’s recap.  One nuclear bomb has gone off.  Two Presidents are down for the count.  And Jack has killed, wounded or maimed about 937 people with no repercussions.  And its 7 p.m.  <smile>  Man….I really love this show.  So Fayed and Boris are arming the drones in the desert.  They launch one off and it looks like some cool Playstation game.  And then we’re back at CTU for this hour’s episode of the Love Boat.  Milo apparently likes Nadia.  Well, he must like her because he gave her his security clearance pass code or whatever.  And then Chloe finds out and in true Chloe hypocritical holier than thou fashion, she reminds everyone that it’s a felony to share your super secret code.  Go ahead and break the law, just be careful about it.  Nice.  Thanks Chloe.  I take that back, you’re not a hypocrite.  Morris is apparently completely fine now.  Oh, he was tortured?  Oh, he enabled all the bombs which is the reason we’re in this mess right now?  Oh…………I forgot all about that. 

The Veep wants to rain hellfire down on everyone.  He’s quite bloodthirsty, isn’t he?  My bomb is bigger than yours….and so on.  Well, why not start WWIII.  That should be a fun way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.  I have decided that this is all taking place on a Tuesday….because Monday is just way too cliché.  Jack is back at CTU in one piece.  RoboBill could care less, as usual.  Thanks for trying Jack, but everyone got away and now we can’t find the bombs.  And then………..oh, this was fantastic………….then he finds out that Audrey is dead.  AUDREY IS DEAD!!!!  You have got to be f&^%^&ing kidding me.  Listen…I can understand not wanting to be on the show anymore, but did they really have to kill her off?  Jack goes ballistic……..I can feel Rambo Jack getting closer and closer.  He is sooooooooooooo pissed.  <evil wringing of my hands> This is gonna be goooooooooood.

Karen is finally off the plane or out of the airport or whatever and back with Weasel Face trying to talk down the maniacal Veep.  I’m glad they still hate each other, her and Weasel Face.  At least that’s sort of realistic.  Women hold grudges…..don’t we boys?  Back aboard the Love Boat and Milo is suspicious of Morris.  Come on Milo, doubting Morris was so three hours ago.  He tells Chloe to check his breath and so she marches over and plants a big wet one on him.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then, get this, she says, I was just checking your breath.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Classic.  And then we find out there’s a Mole in CTU.  Well, of course there is.  Isn’t there always?  But then we find out that supposedly its Nadia?!?!?!?!?  You’re kidding me.  No chance.  I think we’re just playing ‘Blame the tiny non-threatening Muslim model…I mean agent’.  The Spoon goes after her.  He’s awfully hostile, isn’t he? 

And now Karen wants to bring the Prez out of coma so he can nix the Veep’s diabolical plan for total world annihilation.  But that might give him brain damage.  And oh look, there’s his sister.  Forget the Love Boat….this is Days of Our Lives.  So Jack’s been beaten to smithereens, but he still wants in on the op to take down the drone pilot.  And of course, RoboBill says sure.  Why not.  You’re clearly not in your right mind.  But go ahead, take a gun and shoot some more people.  No problem.  They break down the doors with 3 minutes left to save San Francisco.  And what a surprise, Chloe knows how to pilot a drone too!!!  HAHAHAHA.  Come on Jack, any eight year old could get that thing turned around.  And he gets it turned around and crashes it out in the middle of nowhere…..sort of.  But we all know it’s never that easy, right?  The Veep says, launch the nukes.  Karen and Weasel Face join sides.  Nadia tells Milo to get out of her face.  Jack is planning revenge on Audrey’s murderers.  The Spoon is trying to figure out how he can torture some people without it being weird.  And Chloe just wants a normal life.

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but a slow leak from a cracked nuclear bomb.

First things first.  Matt was absolutely right.  It’s Ricky Shroder.  That’s how it was listed in the credits.  Sorry for trying to correct you when I clearly have no idea what I’m talking about.  The Silver Spoon looks old to me, but you know what…..I think he has the exact same haircut he had on that show!  So Milo is back, apparently no worse for wear.  I guess he gets to take a 1-2 hour break because he’s a supervisor.  We start off with Chloe scowling at the Unabomber.  Nice.  “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent.  I’m gonna go.”  Huh….I wonder if this would work on QA?  <smile>  So Milo apparently knows the Spoon, from back in Denver and there’s a whole other story that they’re not gonna tell us.  Jack sees Russian Guy #3 dead at the bottom of the stairs and then kills Russian Guy #4 with the other guy’s belt.  Awesome.  Now give him a roll a duct tape and a Swiss army knife and I think he could get out of this place!!  He at least looks like he has a few broken ribs….something tells me they will heal miraculously fast.  I like how he knocked out power to the building (or was it just the lights) by tapping his gun against the fuse box.    

And here’s Unabomber.  He still wants to help save the world even after Chloe scowled at him.  He thinks the Russian Prez needs to be involved and who better to do that than his craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy wife!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s fantastic.  Send the Crazy Lady in for negotiations.  This should be good.  What the hell is Buchanan thinking?  Great idea Unabomber.  Let’s go with that.  So everyone is giving the Spoon some attitude and then he starts choking Morris………AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE……Morris was just tortured you heartless thug!!!!!!!!!!  Has everyone in that place forgotten that?  And here’s Milo to the rescue.  Let my people go!  HAHAHAHA.  Milo….something tells me that the Spoon could kick your ass if properly provoked. 

Now we’re back to the Veep and Weasel Face and all of their plotting.  The Veep wants Weasel Face to lie about Assad.  Weasel Face agrees, but I’m confused.  Why in the world does the Veep trust him?  You should have killed him Swank….should have killed him when you had the chance.  And now we’re back to the Crazy Lady and what’s this?  It’s Aaron!!!  The trusty valiant honorable ex-Secret Service agent.  Awwwwwwwwww….I like Aaron.  And then we get to go through all the back and forth between Unabomber and Crazy Lady – help me.  No.  Help me.  No.  Help me.  No.  Blah blah blah blah  I had almost forgotten why these two annoyed me so much.  Almost.  But then, get this….she stabs him with the kiwi knife.  That was classic, ladies and gentlemen.  The kiwi knife.  Stabs him right in the chest and then acts like she’s a hero.  That’s the second president out of commission in one day.  Oh and by the way Crazy Lady….you still need to talk to Mrs. Russian First Lady and save the day.  No problem.

Except of course that doesn’t work.  Unleash the Spoon!!!  The attack on the Consulate is disturbingly easy.  All the Russians are apparently terrible marksman.  I don’t think one of the Americans got hurt or killed.  That’s why we won the cold war.  Jack and the Spoon meet.  Don’t try anything with Jacky boy, Spoon.  He’ll clip your fingers off with a cigar cutter.  I’ve seen him do it.  So Boris the Blade and Fayed are arming the drone nuclear bombs….thanks to Morris.  But I am surprisingly optimistic.  Something tells me that the Spoon and Jack will be an amazing superhero duo.  Hey….wait a minute……..where’s Karen!!!

AS PROMISED:

Jack Bauer – Jacky Boy, Rambo

Bill Buchanan – RoboBill

Lenox – Weasel Face

Graem Bauer – Baldy

Reed Pollack – Swank

Phillip Bauer – Papa Bauer

Unabomber – Charles Logan

VP Noah Daniels – Veep

Gredenko – Boris the Blade

I told you guys the Prez wasn’t dead, didn’t I?  Unabomber is getting all snuggly with Jack.  Don’t trust him!!!  He’s a snake!!!  He’ll betray you!!!  Right?  I am so confused about this guy….there’s no chance he’s actually good…….right?  “I know what it’s like to be alone.”  Listen pally, there’s a whole world of difference between being tortured by the Chinese and living in your posh secluded mansion……….a whole WORLD of difference.  I’m surprised Jack didn’t pop him right in the nose when he started making that comparison.

Now, Mr. Hilary Swank doesn’t want to kill Weasel face?  You’re a loser.  Just kill the guy, it’s the only way to make sure you are safe.  But nooooooooooooo, we’re not murderers….oh really?  I think the Oxford English dictionary might disagree with you Swank.  But, I gotta say, I really loved the part when Swank tries to convince Weasel that he has to keep his mouth shut and then what’s the very first thing he does?  Turns them in!!!!  AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA….take that Swank!  Teach you to trust ol’ Weasel face!! 

Unabomber wanted to see the Russian guy alone…….what did I tell you?  He’s definitely planning something….oh……..oh wait………..what’s this?  He’s acting kind of like………….Jack?  He knows a liar when he sees one.  Yeah.  I bet you do.  So the Russian guy calls the other Russian guy and then Jack decides he needs to go back and talk to the first Russian guy.  Why are these foreign consulates so easy to break into? 

KAREN!!!!  STILL AT THE AIRPORT!!!   Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha…..I almost fell off the couch laughing at that one….I seriously didn’t even hear what they were saying…..

Who’s the blonde with the Veep?  Has she been in this show before?  She looks familiar….now I’m totally paranoid about all the characters….any one of them could be the one who ends up killing Jack.  Because seriously………if he survives his Rambo meltdown…….I will be completely stunned.  I like the fact that Jack speaks perfect Russian.  Nice touch.  So he gets inside, sticks a gun in the Russian’s face and starts the Jack-Scream.  You know what I’m talking about – “TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW OR I WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!”  Yessssssssssssss.  Russian guy hits the panic button and now “we have a situation.”  Seriously………the comic relief for the week was this entire conversation with Buchanan.  “Bill, we have a situation.”  Thank you king of the understatements.  Thank you for making that clear.  And what does Bill say?  Good luck.  Basically, that was the gist of it.  Good luck trying to get out of this one, Jack. 

But hey……..before it all goes completely down the drain, Jack did get back to his old torturing ways.  Cut off a finger with the cigar cutter!  Classic.  Do it again!!!  Cut off another one!!!  Oh…….oh sorry, let me compose myself here.  Needless to say, I was very happy that they brought him back and then BLAMO!!  He gets blown up.  Just like the Prez.  What’s this?  This isn’t supposed to happen?  Jack is supposed to get away. 

The Veep says something about the Price of War in his speech to the nation.  That sounds like it should be a movie title.  And hey, Morris can speak Russian too and crack their codes and is apparently completely fine now.  RoboBill wants to send in Special Ops after Jack.  And Jack is begging Russian guy #3 to help him.  HELP HIM you commie %^&^%$.  But did that work?  Nyet.  Not at all.  Russian guy #4 shoots him in the head.  Huh.  This is getting interesting now.  The Russians are all shooting each other and Jack has been captured.  This should get really really interesting.

Alright so Weasel face isn’t a bad guy…now I have to like him?  And Mr. Hilary Swank is having second thoughts?  So the bad guys are actually good guys and the real bad guys aren’t all that bad either.  This is totally pathetic.  At least Fayed didn’t flinch once when he drilled a hole in the back of Morris.  Bad guys should be really bad.  That is the only way I am going to care at all.  And now Unabomber is a born-again fanatic?!?!?!?!  What the hell is happening here!!  He was such a sniveling evil meanie last season!!!  He was the perfect character!!  This is too much for me to handle.  Who am I supposed to hate now?  Oh………oh, I know.  It’s Morris, isn’t it?

<sigh>  Morris, Morris…..I haven’t decided exactly how he is going to go down in his heroic self-sacrificing blaze of glory……….but it’s definitely going to happen.  Now they are slowly draining everyone’s confidence in his abilities.  When Nadia says to Chloe – you know he was just tortured, maybe he can’t handle this….I just about fell off the couch laughing…..YES.  HE WAS TORTURED YOU MORONS!!!  Maybe we shouldn’t be placing national security responsibilities on a man who enabled a nuclear bomb for terrorists….and they’re worried about Nadia taking them down…..<sheesh>.  And Chloe storming into the men’s room…..classic.  But I’m confused, was he actually drinking….or did he swig that much of the bottle down the first time?  But don’t believe him Chloe!!!  Call the other sponsor, don’t let him guilt you into feeling bad, alcoholics are all liars, come ON!!!!  And where did Milo go?  People just mysteriously disappear off this show occasionally….it’s very disturbing.  He must have gotten sucked into the CTU black hole with Karen…..who is apparently flying from D.C. to L.A. via Mars. 

I’m even more confused about Papa Bauer.  Good guy?  Clearly not all that bad since he pointed Jack to Unabomber….unless it’s all a scam….unless they’re going to pull the carpet from under Jackie boy yet again.  Unless they’re going to get his hopes and then go…..Oh….oh wait…..sorry…..you know that country you’ve been bleeding for the last few years……yeah, we’re going to blow it up now.  And THAT’S when he goes totally Rambo.  See guys, I could write this show.  I can lose all touch with reality and the basic laws of human behavior.  If Papa Bauer doesn’t turn out to be the Gnome King, then this Gredenko character better be the next Adolph Hitler….because I need to be happy when Jack kills people.  It’s the only reason I watch this show.  Redemption?  Naaaaaaaaaaaah….give some good old-fashioned revenge any day of the week.  Yipee ki yay….

So they blew up another Palmer.  I don’t think he’s dead….but seriously this family is the next Kennedy clan….and I think Sister Palmer should join a convent or go into witness protection….this is ridiculous.  And how are they going to convince Weasel Face not to blab to everyone?  They should have killed him right away.  Left is right….white is black….the bad guys are good guys now…..the Arabs have three more nuclear bombs………and the Russians have managed to steel top secret drone weapons from us…..<shaking my head>

I am Fonzie.  I am going to get on these water skis.  And I’m going to jump over that….

But I’ll be glued to the TV next week without a doubt….hopefully Jack will kill a few people.

Since I was very much in the mood for some exciting television after watching Clint Bowyer finish the Daytona 500 upside down and on fire, I was hoping we would get the inevitable standoff between Jack and Papa Bauer.  And naturally, we did.  But first things first….the Morris and Milo show has entered the next phase.  I wonder who Chloe will pick?  Morris – her alcoholic nuclear bomb-enabling ex-husband, OR behind door #2 Milo – the “hero” who managed to get shot and wreck a UPS van.  Choices, choices.  And of course Jack saved the day.  Of course he did.  I will never get tired of that.  Him showing up and screaming at people, and shoving his gun in their faces.  Yeah….I think I would have surrendered too.  But then Marilyn spills the beans about Papa….and poor Jack is surprised.  You know what?  I don’t think I’d be surprised about any of this anymore….I think I’d be more like, Yup that makes sense, someone else who is supposed to love me is actually plotting my imminent demise.  I’m telling you, he is getting closer and closer to just snapping….snapping right in half.

And then there’s Bionic Buchanan, letting Jack get away with everything.  Jack won’t tell him what’s going on, it’s personal.  I wonder if QA would take that for an answer – I can’t tell you how I came up with those numbers….it’s personal.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That was another joke.  Speaking of losing it though – Morris is going through the “We hate this character” phase.  This is necessary so that his upcoming sacrifice will be all the more noble.  But really….working for CTU must totally suck.  People get blown up and shot and tortured and then 15 minutes later they’re back at their desk setting up satellite surveillance.  They clearly do not have the same sick leave policy that is handed out to all Maryland state employees.  And Morris – Altoids will never cover up whiskey….believe me……<wink>

I am more convinced than ever that Josh is Jack’s kid….I mean, what other reason would you let Papa shoot you in the back of the head?  The whole, “I was never good enough for you Dad” line was rather predictable….but that’s ok.  Just because a five year old could have written the screenplays for all 19 Die Hard movies, does not mean that that makes them any less enjoyable.  But here was the comic relief for the week – Jack asks Marilyn if she knows how to use a gun….she says no…..and he goes, “Just point and shoot.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Thanks, Mr. Mensa Genius.  What would I have done without you?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

By the way, Mr. Hilary Swank turning out to be more evil than Weasel Face is giving me hope that this storyline won’t be totally useless….although setting up Fayed to be the Palmer assassin seems likes a stretch.  And then…of course….the most brilliant ‘I didn’t see that coming’ moment of the week was Mr. Ex-Putz-President showing up in the end looking like the Unabomber.  Well naturally he needed to be involved, he was part of the whole scheme last season….including being Baldy’s Yes-Man…..so hopefully we’ll wrap things up in a nice neat little package by the end of this Day.  My money is still on Jack taking everyone out Rambo-style.  And on Jack being Josh’s dad.  And on Morris dying.  And on Chloe scowling some more….Do you guys realize last night was the 10^th episode already?  Wow, time really flies….

Alright.  First things first.  Chloe is my hero.  If I acted like that much of a bitch at work, people would hate me.  She’s yelling at people and telling them to leave her alone….do you think QA would respond to this?  <chuckle chuckle>  That was a total joke.  I like QA.  I have decided that Buchanan is not really a human being….he’s actually more like Data from Star Trek…he’s some kind of android.  He tells Jack that Jack killed his brother, he doesn’t even talk to Morris, this guy has NO EMOTIONS.  This is the first time Jack has been in CTU in years!!!  We don’t even get a “Gee Jack, glad our plan to let the bad guys kill you in exchange for the wrong terrorist didn’t work out.  Gee Jack, glad you’re alive.”  Not even that.  See Mr. Buchanan, humans have expressions on their faces because we have feelings.  Didn’t your alien leaders teach you that before they sent you here!!  At least Chloe says, “I’m really glad Fayed didn’t kill you this morning.”  And Jack smiles.  That was so funny.

<sigh>  Moving right along.  I was sooooooooooooo counting on Blondie to save Morris.  Stupid blondes.  She deserved to get whacked.  Poor Morris.  I thought for sure his number was up.  But no….no they make him live with the guilt of enabling nuclear bombs that could kill hundreds of thousands of people.  Nice.  And Chloe slapping him across the face was priceless.  I think he’s going to kill himself in some heroic sacrifice now.  That would be fitting.  They’ll take us on this emotional roller coaster of liking him and then hating him and then loving him…..and then they’ll kill him.  I’m sure that’s how it will work.  Torturing someone with a drill was different though….don’t think I’ve ever seen that before…

And Fayed slips through their fingers again.  But we don’t care about Fayed anymore.  Now we care about Boris the Blade.  That’s the Russian guy.  He was also a bad guy in the movie ‘Snatch’ which is great if you guys haven’t seen it.  So the Russians are framing the Arabs to get back at the U.S. for being so superior during the Cold War.  Wow.  I never saw that coming.  I did like the whole bomb disarming scene.  Seriously, is there anything Chloe can’t do?  Now you understand why she’s my hero?

I’m really starting to get confused about Papa Bauer though.  Is he trying to kill Gredenko to protect his company?  Does he even care about the bombs?  So he holds mini-Jack hostage and gets Marilyn to lead Jack into an ambush.  Nice.  I’m telling you….Jack is going to go totally Rambo on this town.  First his brother.  Then his country.  Now his father.  And probably his baby’s mama.  All lying to him or sacrificing him or trying to kill him.  And he says he’ll accept the consequences.  Classic Jack.  Accepting the consequences.  You’d think he’d learn by now….save your own ass!  Nobody cares about you or your sacrifices.  Seriously, if he turns in to the bad guy in some future season I’ll swear these writers are geniuses!  And how about Milo turning into more than a typical IT nerd.  He’s driving that UPS truck around like Dale Jarrett at Daytona!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

By the way….the whole putz President….assassination plan….or whatever they’re doing with that is a complete waste of time.  You can’t kill another Palmer.  That’s just too predictable.  I hate Weasel Man though (that way he scrunches up his face is terrific) and Mr. Hilary Swank is becoming equally distasteful….but please make it interesting.

What’s going to happen to Jack!  Abandoned….as usual….I’m sensing a standoff with Papa Bauer is in the very near future.  I really can’t wait….

So the Evil Presidential Aide is getting his way and here….yet again….is another President that I absolutely cannot stand.  And Jack and Papa Bauer are going to be executed…..come oooooooooooooooooooooon…..who really believed that?  As soon as Papa Bauer shot that guy though….I got suspicious. 

Ok.  Here was the “comic relief” for the night.  Let me walk you guys through it –

Jack calls Buchanan and tells him that his entire team is dead.

Buchanan….does not even look like he heard him.  He doesn’t say, oh no.  He doesn’t even say, What? Like that would be a weird thing.

Unnamed characters are totally expendable.  See the Star Trek episode guide for an explanation.

Then he tells Buchanan that his brother tried to kill him and his dad.

Again….Buchanan does not seemed phased by this.  At all.  No….are you sure?  No…..maybe he’s being blackmailed.  Nothing.  Maybe Buchanan watches a lot of Jerry Springer…

This was the strangest conversation I have ever heard on this show.  Nobody was surprised by any of it.

Oh right.  Your brother tried to kill you.  Oh right.  Everyone else is dead.  Ok.  Moving right along.

<shaking my head>  And of course I thought….it can’t get much weirder than that….. oh…..oh ho ho ho….boy was I wrong.

So, not only does he torture Baldy.  He goes completely bonkers.  What did I tell you guys?  He’s gonna lose it.  Baldy and Jack are the same.  Fighting for what they believe in….blah blah blah.  I like the rivalry.  And then Baldy tells him about the assassinations of Tony, David Palmer and Michelle.  Oh.  That was priceless.  Remind me again why they have Real Actors on this show.  I thought Jack was going to string Baldy up by his toes at that point.  And then Daddy walks by.  Jack stops.  And now I’m even more suspicious. 

The Morris and Milo show got more interesting.  I should’ve seen this one coming.  From like a mile away.  Morris and McCarthy have accents….so clearly this is the only way it could’ve ended.  When will Chloe learn that everyone she cares about will have to work through a relative dying (Edgar’s mom and the nuclear power plant meltdown) or they’ll die (Edgar and Jack like three times now)?  I wonder if Chloe is going to turn into a real badass.  That would be cool.  She could be our new super-sarcastic Nina. 

Marilyn and Jack obviously have a past.  And Jack, of course as usual, because he’s a man and easily swayed by the baby blues, lets her go.  Sucker.  I want to know the story though….because something has to make a girl settle for Baldy when she could’ve had Jack!  Maybe the kid is actually Jack’s son!?!?.....or maybe I watch too much Jerry Springer…..

Oh yeah, the “President” ends up not being a total putz.  Well.  That’s no fun.  But I have a feeling the Evil Presidential Aide a la Chad Lowe has more plots to scheme.

Morris is kidnapped and I have a feeling he’s going to be the character they make me care about and then kill.

And then….denouement.  Papa Bauer offs his son.  This is Shakespeare people.  My 24-sense was right on cue.  Baldy had it coming….but I was kind of hoping it would be Jack that killed him.  Especially when he claimed that he could take whatever Jack dishes out.  No chance, Baldy.  But Papa knows Jack’s weakness - he loves his daddy.  This is going to be the best season ever!!!  I can’t wait till next week!!!

James Cromwell!!!  Are you kidding me!!!!  I guess in some wild stretch of the imagination I can picture him as Jack’s dad….but you know what….none of these guys even look remotely like the other.  Baldy is starting to look adopted.  And neither of them is even close to the basketball-player-height of Cromwell.  Oh well.  It could have been worse.  Like Chad Lowe.  I haven’t seen Mr. Hilary Swank since the Oscars last year googooing at his superstar wife.  And when was the last time he did any acting?  But…I have to give them credit….I hate his character already. 

Jack and Baldy go looking for Papa Bauer.  Somebody please tell me why we are supposed to believe that bodyguards could actually assassinate two CTU agents?  Paleeeeeeeeeeeeeease.  Morris and Milo are becoming sort of comical.  The odd couple.  And Nadia is middle eastern?!?!?  Huh?!?!  Maybe I’m being dense, but she looks more Hispanic to me…if she ends up being a terrorist that will just be stupid.  Karen is making me crazy.  What a baby.  I’m tired of all the tears, ladies.  I would have slapped that guy right in the face.  Well….maybe not slapped him….but at least given him a really really dirty look.  The last woman on this show that was remotely entertaining was Nina.  We need more Ninas on the show!!  <hahahahaha>  The whole Walid and Sandra side story is getting very predictable…I hope they shake that one up a bit.

So Jack and Papa Bauer are being carted off by the muscle.  Something tells me they’re gonna get out of it.  Something tells me Baldy is going to get his ass kicked.  Something tells me I’ll be glued to the TV screen next week….

Ok.  So, I can’t help myself.  Of course he’s not going to quit.  What would this show be like without Jack Bauer?  We’d having Chloe running around scowling at everyone.  So….lucky for everyone that the wind was blowing in the right direction otherwise this show would have gotten pretty gross…..what with radiation poisoning and all that.  And of course CTU was not affected….because that would have spoiled the rest of the season too.  I was wondering how they were going to top a nuclear bomb….well, obviously with four more nuclear bombs.  Ok, so the Russian guy apparently knows Jack’s dad.  Have we ever met his dad before?  I don’t think so.  But we have met his brother before.  Was it just me being dense, or was this the first time we find out that Baldy is his brother?  I mean, we knew that he was one of the puppet masters for the last weasel-president….but Jack’s brother?  And don’t expect us to believe that Marilyn picked Baldy over Jack!!!  Paleeeeeeeeeeeeease.  I wonder if he’s a real brother….or maybe a step brother.  They don’t look like they have the same parents to me.  Of course the torture bit makes more sense if he’s an actual sibling.  I think Jack is gonna lose it….completely.  I think he’s gonna start killing people off indiscriminately.  That will be entertaining.  And for the record….I don’t think he’s going to survive this season.

Jack hasn’t spoken in two years.  Which was totally believable.

A Palmer is still the President.  Which was totally believable.

Chloe is still her usual sarcastic self.  Which was totally believable.

Kumar is a terrorist.  Which was totally believable.

And then they nuked him.   Which was totally believable.

But they really expect us to believe that Jack Bauer can hotwire a car?  Come on….