It's the end of May.  In the past few weeks the Earth has clearly shown us how pissed she is by unleashing cyclones, earthquakes, wild fires, tornadoes and floods.  It's been raining in loverly Germantown for days now and the news people are telling me to brace myself for outbreaks of West Nile Virus due to the imminent mosquito overrun we will be facing this summer.  School is out.  There is less traffic on the road, which is good since I have to stare into the sun burning my corneas out now that the sun rises at around 6 am.  My computers at work and at home have been revolting against me on a very disconcertingly frequent basis...I think they are planning to take over the world.  You can buy absolutely nothing now for less than $5.  Not a gallon of gas, a pack of cigarettes or a carton of eggs.  Normally....this would all cause me to be a bit down in the dumps.  But not today.  Because today is May 21, 2008.  Today is THE day.  Or night, rather.  "It's starting, it's starting!!" I scream at my happy meal toys as I run around in circles suffering from a sugar-induced euphoria.  I see the Pumpkin's tail as she whips around the corner, clearly deciding that this is not a safe room to snooze in.  I have my Coke, and my Cookie poster and I'm ready for the spectacle to begin.  It's time.

 

And here we go.  Mano a mano.  Tete a tete.  Facing off, center stage, dressed in white, standing in the spotlight.  Seacrest reminds us all that this is the finale.  <pause>  Oh, ok....for those people who just got released from solitary, left the convent or woke up from a coma within the past 24 hours.  How nice of you Seacrest....those people are always discriminated against, aren't they?  Ryan is in another snazzy three piece suit with nice striped tie and mashed down hair.  He introduces us to those familiar faces, our Judges.  Mr. Randy Jackson in his Santa Claus outfit.  Ms. Paula Abdul in a tight little red dress with her boobs on a shelf.  And Mr. Simon Cowell.....in an outfit that looks eerily similar to the outfit he wore last night.....Seacrest tells us that 97.5 million votes were cast.  WHAT?!?!  That's completely insane...and even if it is a totally fictional number....how about them for making it sound so impressive.  One of the David's got 56% percent of the vote.  Because I'm a mutant counter, I can tell you that means 54.6 million votes.  That's completely ridiculous.  I will try not to wail too much about how convinced I am that the Boy Wonder - Archie Squinty Eyes Napoleon is going to win.  Let's just enjoy the show.  First up is of course the top 12 finalists with a preview of the Tour.

 

And now the Davids are singing 'Hero' together.  That's the Nickelback song from Spiderman, in case you thought it reminded you of something.  Cookie sounds better, of course....too bad he's not going to win.  <frowny>  The theater is packed and everyone is screaming....so much energy, this must be sooooooooooooo cool for both of them.  Now it's time for the first stupid bit of the night.  Gurupitka, American Idol's spiritual advisor.  Otherwise known as Mike Myers, promoing his new movie The Love Guru.  This actually was pretty funny.  Some of his advice for Cookie was to get out of the 90's and shave his facial hair.  <chuckle> And poor Archie had no idea what was going on, which he said, and that just made it more funny.  And then Myers comes out onto the stage on this little motorized 'carpet' and he calls Ryan 'Mr. Seafoam'.  Which was hysterical.  And then he goes leaping off the stage so Ryan gets on the motorized carpet and tries to drive it around and almost drives it right over the edge of the stage and into a camera guy...which was also....hysterical.

 

More singing and it's Syesha with Seal!!  How cool is this?  Pretty friggin cool.  Seal has an amazing voice and he's trying not to show up Miss Mercado but I think that may be a little difficult.  He's just too good.  A nice duet though, very pretty.  And now Dreadilocks is back singing David Cale's version of 'Hallelujah'.  He sang this before...and I honestly don't remember it being this good.  I actually remember complaining about how bad it was....but now......quite beauitful.  Perhaps because he sang it exactly the way Cale sings it, which is the version I love.  I guess when the pressure's off he can really perform.  Time for the Ford commercial.  'Let the Good Times Roll' with all the final 12.  <shaking my head>  Moving on.  Now the top 6 girls are singing 'She Works Hard for the Money' or whatever it's called.  They sound pretty good and look pretty fancy in their red outfits, but wow, does Rocker Chick stand out like a sore thumb or what?  Then Donna Summers....yes that Donna Summers, comes out and sings her NEW single 'Stamp Your Feet on the Ground' with the girls.  Syesha gets to do a little duet with her.  The SYTYCD kids are breakdancing...and I don't know if you caught this or not, but Seacrest actually took off his jacket and did some dancing.  <giggle>  Not bad Ryan! 

 

More singing and it's Irish Carly and Thunder from Down Under - Michael Johns singing 'This Letter'.  They both have great voices, but too different to sound that good together.  Now here's Jimmy Kimmel giving us a 'review'/roast of the season.  He's hysterical.  And then they do a montage of Simon's insults to some music which was pretty funny too.  Time for the top 6 guys to sing and this sounds a lot better than the girls.  Singing Bryan Adam's songs Summer of 69 and Heaven (by the Davids).  Hmmmmm...Bryan Adams.  Oh goodie, he's here!!!  I love Bryan Adams...so in love with him when I was a kid.  The Canadian Bruce Springsteen.  <chuckle>  He's out there singing with the boys and this is actually quite good.

 

They're telling us about the American Idol Experience at Disney World.  You must be joking?  This show literally has no shame....time for Cookie to sing....with ZZ Top.  Get the hell out of here.  Sharp Dressed Man and we really cranked this one up.  I hope the neighbors aren't trying to sleep.  I love this song.  ROCK OUT!!  And he sounds great....but such a good song.  Such a great band.  Oh that was really good.  A highlight.  And Cookie is having a blast on stage with these guys.  That's awesome, at least he's having some good experiences before losing. 

 

The next song is Snow White singing with Graham Nash (as in Crosby, Stills).  They're performing the folk classic 'Teach Your Children'.  Sitting on stools, strumming on their guitars and this is exactly what Brookie does.  It sounds better than great.  What a good song and performance.  That must have been awesome for her...just beautiful.  Now some band called the Jonas Brothers is singing.  I'm guessing they're popular by listening to the tweeners screaming their little lungs out.

 

Now a recap of the Best of the Worst.  Oh there really were some stinkers this year.  Remember Renaldo?  In his white pimp outfit singing that horrific song 'You are my brother' his ode to Simon?  Yeah, he's here.  Singing on stage.  And then because that wasn't awful enough, they bring in the USC marching band to back him up/drowned him out.  He never even finishes the song, they just fade out to commercial.....aiyayaya.

 

Time for another performance...one of my favorite songs (I know I have a lot of favorite songs) One Republic singing Apologize.  And oh look, here's Archie the Boy Wonder singing along.  And is it my imagination or is Ryan Tedder completely outsinging the Boy Wonder.  Holy cow, he's good live.  That was a great performance too!  I'm telling you...they save the best for last.  If they had gotten these singers throughout the season, people wouldn't be complaining so much.  Not nearly as much.  Jordin Sparks, the lone ex-Idol representative of the night, is singing next.  She's wearing some crazy gold Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz dress.  Very unflattering...but she sounds nice, as usual. 

 

The second bit of the night is a 'lost' audition tape for Gladys Knight's Pips.  The Pips are actually Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr.  Kind of dumb....but Jack Black cracks me up...such a lunatic.  Oh here's another ex-Idol, Miss Carrie Underwood, singing next.  Apparently the record-breaker in downloads.  Or whatever....she's very successful.  And even though the Hubby doesn't like country, he's remarkably quiet during this performance.  Maybe he's falling asleep over there.

 

The top 12 are out for yet another Tour preview singing George Michael songs.....oh.....I heard a rumor....and if the earlier performances are any indicator.  YES.  He's here!!  The Icon of the 80's!!!  Mr. George Michael.  I can remember loving the song Father Figure and having no good idea of what it was even about....<sigh>.....ahhhh, to be young and ignorant again.  Except he's not singing an oldie tonight, he's singing something new which has some oddly ironic lyrics to it.  'Praying For Time'.  Very sweet song.  What's with the sunglasses?  Paula is crying.....

 

So it's finally time.  Time for the final go-time.  Time to announce that Boy Wonder is the winner....<sigh>....Randy says this has been one of the strongest years, you're both winners.  Paula says it's not a finale, there's nothing final about tonight.  Simon apologizes to Cookie (!!!!) for verging on disrespectful (and hell just froze over).  He said it was a terrific night last night and for the first time, he doesn't care who wins because they're both good.  Hmmmm...nice.  A little too late to change your harsh, incredibly slanted comments Cowell...so here comes the nerdy mutant counter with the vote tally.  And it's time....I'm on the edge of my seat, even though I have pretty much convinced myself who's won.  Seacrest says, by a margin of 12 million votes, our next American Idol is........................................DAVID COOK. What the hell is going on?!?!?  I am stunned into silence for about 3 seconds and then I just start giggling and yelling.  How awesome is this!?!?  The rocker wins!! The rocker wins!!  My pick won!!!!  <ahem>  Well, of course he did...because I can predict the future...and nevermind all that about knowing that Archie was gonna run away with it.  That was the caffeine and the sugar talking.  Cookie is a mess of tears right now....so cute when he gets emotional.  And sincere.  No smug looks or smirks now....his mom runs up on stage and gives him a big hug.  And to close the show, and the season, Mr. Cook - the best American Idol ever, sings the winning song from the competition 'Time of My Life.' 

 

I'm going to sleep for three days now.  The show has renewed my faith in the American public...which is a scary thought in and of itself.  But you know what's funny....now I can say, without a doubt, that one vote can make a difference.  Because last night was the first night in a very very very long time that I bothered......to vote.  I'm super.  A Super-Voter.  With Super powers.  You're welcome David Cook, you're welcome.

 

Can't wait till next season.  <big cheesy grin>

 

Later gators,

Heather

Oh my freakin' God!!  It's the last singing show of the season!!  I am totally losing it.  I get this hysterical every season, so don't think I'm going to burst any blood vessels or anything....and considering this season was slightly less 'exciting' than most seasons....my hysteria is somewhat tamed.  But still.  The last singing show of the season!!  WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  David versus mini-David.  The Battle of the Davids.  <chuckle>  Oh, please tell me this wasn't scripted?  Like they didn't plan this from the beginning.  Come on.  Just to make this a little more interesting, let's all pretend like the producers don't actually hand pick the winner and your votes actually mean something, mmmmmkay?  So the show comes on and a mic is lowering down on to the stage....like.....a boxing announcer.  And look who it is, Michael Buffer.  Huh....ok.....a little cheese is ok.  It is the last singing show so a little cheese will be ok.  David 'Sugar Ray' Cook versus David 'Babyface' Archuleta.  Oh.  My.  God.  They're wearing boxing robes and gloves and this is getting a little embarrassing.  Michael Buffer in his trademarked voice says, Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Americaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Idoooooooooooooooooooooooooool. 

 

Finally, we get to see Seacrest.  Thank goodness Buffer isn't going to be hosting the whole show....hahahahahahaha....Ryan looks nice in a gray suit and just because it's a special night he's wearing a three piece, very snazzy with the vest Ryan.  His pointy hair is a little more mashed down tonight.  Randy has a disco suit on, Paula is wearing the now completely unfancy glitter evening gown, and Simon is wearing his Miami Vice white un-buttoned shirt with black jacket.  There are a million people in the Nokia theater and they're all going crazy.  I'm not exaggerating.  One million people.  Jim Lampley is giving advice, a la cliched boxing commentary.  I would bet any of you a gugillion dollars that the vast majority of tweeners in the audience have no idea who Lampley is....Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber are going to be advising the kiddies this week.  And here they are - Cookie and Archie, dressed eerily similar.  So the Kid Wonder won the coin toss and decided to go second.  Humph.  Let's just get past the whole farce of me commenting on this show objectively.  In case you haven't read any of the other blogs for any of the other weeks or seasons.  I have favorites, and everyone else can kiss my ass.  Tonight my favorite is Cookie, because I like the rockers.  Archie Napoleon Wonder Boy can kiss my ass with his squinty little eyes and annoyingly soft voice.  Harsh, you say?  Of course.  How else am I ever going to rule the world?  Being nice to people?  Don't be ridiculous.  So anyway, the judges get to give the kiddies some advice, even though it is clearly too late for this kind of thing.  Randy says bring everything you got!  Paula says enjoy it, may the best man win.  Simon says you need to have a desire to win and you must hate your opponent.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Awesome.  I think he says that every season, but whatever, it's still funny.  Then the kiddies say nice things to each other.  Wonder Boy Napoleon made me want to throw up he was so sweet and Cookie made fun of the whole 'hate your opponent' idea.  So obviously, Cookie should win because he has a sense of huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumor!!

 

Anyway, in the first round....yes, the first round.  It has become painfully obvious that American Idol is going to continue with the whole boxing theme throughout the night...<shaking my head>.  Not.  Quite.  Even close.  To the same thing.  But whatever.  In the first round, Clive Davis is picking songs for the kiddies to sing.  He picks 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' by U2 for Cookie and he picks 'Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me' by Elton John for the other guy.  How about me for predicting the future by posting Clay Aiken's version on this fabulous blog?  How awesome am I?  I like the song choices, more rock for Cookie, more blaaaaaaaaaaaaah for Napoleon.  So let's hear some singing already!  Seacrest gets out one more 'fight for the title' quip and we're off.  Cookie is up first and it sounds really nice, mainly because he's so jacked up.  Slow at first and then it picks up energy.  He's walking all over the audience and looking at people and singing his butt off.  Very nice.  Randy calls him D.C. (nice one) and says it was hot.  Paula says 'we found you', in reference to the song which she apparently takes literally.  She's actually pretty giddy tonight, so this should only get better.  Simon says that was phenomenal.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  Winner winner chicken dinner!!!

 

Now Archie gets to sing.  <sigh>  I did manage to keep myself from fast forwarding through this part.  He's squinting his eyes and this isn't nearly as good as Clay's version....obviously.  But he does have a better voice than Cookie, so now I'm a little worried.  And oh look, there is his crazy dad.  Randy says that was the best performance of the whole season.  Randy, that comment stopped being cool after you said it four thousand times this year.  Paula says you give me chills.  Yeah....because he's so creepy Paula.  Like he's about to go all psycho-killer on us at any moment.  Simon says arguably, your best performance of the season.  Round one goes to Archuleta.  His words, not mind.  <frowny>  He might be right.....if this was Bizarro World!  Cookie gets in a nice uppercut and Archie Squinty Eyes is wobbling.

 

In round two (yes, still more boxing) the kiddies get to pick songs from a list of the top ten viewer choices from the song-writing competition.  I'm glad they didn't force the kiddies to sing the same song this year, that always sucks.  Cookie picked a song called Dream Big and Archie Wonder Boy picked a song called In the Moment.  Hmmmm...nice original titles at least.  <smirk>  So Cookie goes first and I don't like this song at all.  I mean...at.....alllllllllllllllll.  It's kind of a rock song, or he made it that way, but how yucky.  He sang it pretty well though, considering.  Randy said he sang his face off.  That's a really gross image, thanks Randy.  Paula said when you have a song in your heart and a guitar in your hand, you mesmerize us.  Where'd she read that line?  Sounds like it's out of a movie....Walk Hard?  <chuckle>  Simon said that didn't feel like a winning moment.  What's his problem?  Crazy limey!

 

Now it's Archie's turn again and his song is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better, hmmmmmmmm.  Still a little 'High School Musical', but so much better than the big dreams song.  Damn.  I really don't want this kid to win.  Randy says sing the phone book.  Somebody get that man a phone book!  Paula says it was another heart-felt performance.  Simon says you chose the better song.  Round two goes to Arhculeta.  <long pause> 

 

S**t.

 

In round three, since the producers and poor Seacrest refuse to give up the completely ridiculous boxing analogies, the kiddies get to pick their own songs.  This is never a strong point for Cookie, so now I'm really nervous.  He picked 'The World I Know' by Collective Soul.  <shaking my head> He should never pick his own songs...seriously....when he does his own album, get someone else to write everything.  He just sucks at picking songs that relate to a live audience.  Very pretty though, he may be this season's Daughtry.  <smile>  Daughtry!!  Remember him?  Super successful now.  I have that album, by the way, if anyone wants to borrow it.  Anyway, Cookie finishes singing and then he tears up.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....it actually is kind of sweet that he is capable of showing some emotion from time to time.  Randy says this is definitely your kind of album.  Paula says you are standing in your truth.  What the hell does that mean?  <shaking my head>  Simon says you're one of the nicest, most sincere contestants we've ever had..........uh oh...........but that was the wrong choice of song.  Cookie says, you know I thought, why do something I've already done?  Because you've already done great songs Cookie!!!!!!!!!  <sigh>  I do like him more now, especially since he is smug and kind of stuck up and clearly has more of a personality than Archie Napoleon. 

 

So Napoleon picked 'Imagine' by Lennon...you remember this, right?  He sang it earlier in the season.  Clearly his best performance of the whole season....right Randy?  I wasn't really paying very close attention, but it sounded pretty much exactly the same.  Very beautiful.  DAMN IT!!  Randy says you are so good, exactly what this show is about.  Paula says you left me speechless.  Finally!!  Simon says we just witnessed one of the best finals, but the difference with your performance?  That was a knockout.  <gag>  More boxing.  Clearly planned.  This isn't a movie starring you, Simon.  Please try to be spontaneous. 

 

Seacrest thanks everyone.  Yeah yeah.  We know, we're awesome.  Vote for your favorites.  I don't want to be just a voter, though.  I want to be a SUPER voter....when my votes will really count and could possibly make the difference.  <chuckle>  You've got my vote, Cookie, metaphorically speaking of course.  But I'm pretty sure Napoleon Archie Squinty Eyes Wonder Boy Dynamite will probably won.  Now it's time for the recap of the show and here's RUBEN to sing for us 'Celebrate Me Home'.  Nice, I missed Ruben.  So tomorrow is the finale of the finale.  I'm sad and relieved that this is finally over.  American Idol is so exhausting.  They better not have any more boxing analogies tomorrow...

 

Later gators,

Heather

It's go time people.  <smile>  Time to crush someone's hopes.  Someone who has come so close....so ridiculously close to winning it all.  Time to build some life-long regrets and endless nights of what-ifs.  Describing it this way might make some of you people feel bad....but listen.  This is because of you!  You watch, you vote (well, some of you) and so you need to own it.  Own the fact that you have the power to make or break someone tonight.  <evil grin>  Since feeling bad about it won't change anything, I suggest feeling GOOD about it.  Like me.  Anyway, here's Ryan in his gray suit and black tie and pointy hair.  Here's Randy in some black and white jersey thing with more beads around his neck...what's with the beads?  Here's Paula in a black and white outfit and a whole lot of cleavage.  So much cleavage, in fact, she gets a comment from Seacrest about how this is a family G-rated show....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Come on Ryan...if you got it, why not show the entire world?  And let's not forget Simon.  Simon, Simon Simon.  Wearing a white sweater and showing just as much cleavage as Paula....but no snappy remarks from Seacrest about that?  Huh.  Three kiddies left, Ryan brings them out and let's them sing their opening number - 'Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now'.  Unfortunately, the Hubby had control of the remote at this point and didn't even ask if I wanted to listen to this part....I didn't....so I guess he can read my mind now.

 

Break to the Ford commercial horror picture show of the week and it's to 'Heaven', the get their fortunes read and see their future...or whatever.  That fortune teller thingy reminded me of the movie 'Big'.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I can just see Napoleon wishing to be big....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh... oh man, I am so hysterical.  So we're back from that and Seacrest informs us that 56 million votes were cast last night and then we get the first recap of the night.  After that, it's time for this week's musical performance from Idols Past - Miss Fantasia Barrino.  She has flaming red hair and she's singing 'Bore Me'.  Wow, she has a lot of stage presence, doesn't she?  I'm not terribly sure what's going on right now....but I am totally mesmerized....this is a super weird song, difficult to understand, but impossible not to watch.  They showed Simon's face and I just about fell off the sofa laughing...he had this look on his face like he was completely dumbfounded by what he was watching.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That was totally hysterical.  The song ends, and I really don't know what just happened.  Crazy.

 

Ryan talks about tours and stamps and now it's time to bring out each of the kiddies one by one.  Napoleon is first.  He went back to his hometown of Murray City, Utah.  Remember he's from Utah?  I know...kind of a stereotype....but there are a LOT of weird people from Utah.  Anyway, so we get to see him in front of thousands of screaming pre-teens and he is even more awkward and ungainly with the girls than ever.  I'm not terribly sure he will ever know what to do with the ladies....but 17 year-olds usually don't.  "It took me three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip." (If you haven't seen this movie, people, you really must.  It was totally hysterical.)  He's got a smile frozen on his face, until he just becomes completely overwhelmed and starts crying.  <pause>  Crying?  Stepford Boy is crying?  This makes me even more uncomfortable than seeing him bumble through throngs of screaming fans....mostly because it's such a normal response.  He gets to go to his high school and be king of the world.  I think we know who the homecoming king is going to be this year...right?  Wrong.  He's never going back to that school.  It's off to the Hollywood where he'll be eaten alive by the music industry.  Anyway, mom and dad are very proud of him.  And wow, Seacrest jokes around with this kid a lot.  So apparently, they're going to bring out each of the kiddies, see their homecoming, watch a recap of their Idol Life....this is what we in the blog business call FILLER.  But that's ok.  I am desperately trying to hold on to every last second of this show since it is very nearly over....so bring it on.

 

Syesha gets to go home next and she says she's going back to Sarasota.  Sarasota?  Didn't they say Tampa last night?  They're close but not really.  It's like someone saying you're from Essex when you really live in Columbia...not....quite....the same.  But anyway, the whole town is out in force for Miss Syesha, she gets a day in her name (which, if I didn't mention this yesterday, is absolutely the coolest thing ever), and then she gets to go home and visit with her family.  Daddy says, this is a reason to stay clean.  Remember he was on drugs and after her audition he said he was proud of her.  <pause>  Oh....well....I didn't want to actually feel badly that she was going home this week....and now I will.  Thanks Daddy Mercado.  So she gets to go back to her alma mater Booker High School and now she's overwhelmed and crying her eyes out too.  Awwww....it just occurred to me that it's a good thing Brookie is not in the final three....that would have been a disaster with the crying, right?  <chuckle>  I know, I know...I'm going straight to hell.  I'm sure I'd cry my eyes out too if I had to go back to my high school.  Possibly for very different reasons....

 

Captain Cook is up last.  With his smug smirkiness.  I hope you all realize the only reason he acts like this is to keep his blood pressure in check....if you let your anxiety get the best of you and act like a giddy hysterical freak, your blood vessels will explode and you'll die.  Cookie, at least, understands that.  So anyway, Seacrest explains that Cookie wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for his brother Andrew.  Andrew was the one who wanted to audition and Cookie went with him for moral support.  He never intended to audition, and look where he is....I never knew that.  Cool story.  So anyway, Cookie heads back to Kansas City, Missouri and he had the best day out of all of them, I think.  He got to do the weather on some news show, he went back to his old elementary school to suprise his music teacher and thank her for getting him into music (which was the sweetest thing ever), and he got to throw out a pitch at Kauffman Stadium (Royals play there).  He actually got overwhelmed too...which was a little surprising.  Cookie getting choked up...hmmm....get used to it, kid.

 

So we're back, we've seen all their stories, we've heard all the recaps.  It's time.  Randy says you should all be proud of yourselves.  Paula says the world will remember you....way to be dramatic Paula.  And Simon says, if it's the final I think it's gonna be, we're in for a real humdinger.  Alrighty then.  Come on already Seacrest, I can't handle this anymore.  Just TELL us who it is already!!! 

 

The two kiddies performing in the finals next week are - Napoleon......................................<sigh>  we all knew that right?................and.......................

 

 

 

 

...................................Captain Cook. 

 

 

 

<smile>  I know.  I'm awesome.  I told you what was going to happen....because I can see the future.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Finale next week people.  It's gonna be a humdinger.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It's IDOL TIME!!  WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  I am not still sick, so I can't blame the Nyquil for acting like such an idiot....but next week is the finale and then pretty much all of my TV will be over for this season.  <sigh>  This is so depressing.  It's not like I can spend the 67 hours a week I normally watch TV doing something productive like.....<chuckle>.....read or <hack> WORKOUT.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That's ridiculous.  No, when the TV is over we do not despair in the Darth household.  This is why we subscribe to Netflix...which, by the way, is the best thing EVER...besides American Idol.  So Ryan is here in his maroon tie and pointy hair.  Randy looks like he's wearing a flowerdy shirt but I can't really tell.  Paula is in more totally inappropriate black glittery stuff.  And Simon is wearing his black sweater for the 8 millionth time this season.  Seacrest explains that the kiddies are singing three songs tonight, one the judges picked, one they picked and one the producers picked.  Oh man!  I usually don't particularly like this show in the season...I never think the song choices are that great.  But we'll see.  The Hubby is complaining enough for both of us right now....so I'll stay cautiously optimistic.

 

Napoleon is first in the rotation tonight.  He visited his hometown of Murray City, Utah.  Utah, huh.  We're doing the judge's picks first and he found out while back in the Beehive State that Paula had picked 'And So It Goes' by Billy Joel for him to sing.  She said it will show his range.  He's wearing a funny looking little black leather jacket with one of those skinny black ties.  The echo on the mic is intentional, I think.  It's a very pretty version with some very pretty violin accompaniment.  Very nice way to start the show.  The Hubby thought it was boring....but that doesn't surprise me.  Randy said...again....that Napoleon can sing anything, he's in it to win it.  Paula said it was pure and stunning.  Simon said there were no surprises, very predictable, but good.  Moving on....since there is NO TIME for dilly dallying.

 

Syesha is second in the rotation.  She went back home to Tampa where she found out that Randy picked 'If I Ain't Got You' by Alicia Keys.  Syesha is a big fan of Ms. Keys and who wouldn't be...so she's excited to sing this.  She's got a pretty glittery dress on and she really belts it out.  It's not Alicia, but it's pretty good.  She's completely into it and we get a big smile at the end of the performance.  She seems genuinely happy to be here and on this stage.  Randy says, yo, you're peaking at the right time.  Paula said it's difficult to sing a song that is so identifiable with the artist, but you did good and you look great.  Simon said he wished Randy had picked a different song, but you look gorgeous.  Awwww....that was pretty nice coming from Simon.

 

So Captain Cook is singing in the coveted third position.  He went home to Kansas City, Missouri where if you didn't know May 9 is now David Cook Day.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  That's fantastic, I need a day in celebration of myself.  So anyway, he was on some morning news show when he got a text from Simon telling him he would be singing 'First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' by Roberta Flack.  I don't know, but clearly Simon has a wicked sense of humor.  Roberta Flack?  Interesting.  Simon said he picked it because it was difficult to sing and it would give Cookie a chance to be original.  Ok, I guess that makes sense.  It was a very pretty toned down rock version of the song.  Wow these are short snippets of the songs aren't they....it feels like they're singing three notes and then it's over.  Anyway, it sounded good to me.  The Hubby thinks everyone sounds like crap tonight but I think that's just because he's in a cranky mood.  Randy said he's been a fan since the beginning but he wishes Simon had picked a different song that let him be more rockstar.  Paula said, since this is about David and not you guys, I'll say it was one of my favorite songs.  Simon said it was one of your best performances, you take risks, round one goes to Cook and Cowell.  Hmmmm....I think he might be a little biased on this one, I totally don't think this was his best performance.  In fact, I think round one actually goes to creepy Napoleon.

 

So next, the kiddies picked their own songs.  I predict disaster.  Just based on all the other seasons and all the other picks we have heard these kids come up with....Napoleon is up first and the train wreck of a song he picked is 'With You' by Chris Brown.  The Hubby and I are both chuckling about this one....it's pretty much impossible to compare Napoleon to Chris Brown...but let's see what he does with it, right?  He's in a new outfit, trying to be hip.  And he's bopping along in that weirdly awkward way he has about him that makes everyone uncomfortable, like his head is about to detach itself from his body and rotate 360 degrees randomly throughout the performance.  This just sounds weird coming out of his mouth, that's all.  It's an ok performance, but really not his style.  His eyes are open and he's smiling at least.  Randy was glad he picked a contemporary song, but said it was weird.  Paula said he did a great job.  Simon applauded him for doing something different, but it was like a chihuahua trying to be a tiger.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yes, exactly what I was thinking!! 

 

Syesha's song pick for herself is 'Fever' by Peggy Lee.  Hmmmm....ok......going a different route, I see.  She's got another pretty dress on and she's singing with a chair, a la Flashdance or Cabaret.  She is by far and away the best performer out of the three.  She sincerely enjoys being on that stage and belting out a song for everyone.  And she's always got energy, not to mention the Hubby's undivided attention.  It's always fun watching her perform.  Randy said that it was an interesting choice, but she sang it amazingly well.  Paula said she was suprised you picked that song.  Why?  I thought it was fun.  Granted, she didn't make it modern or different, but it's a good song nonetheless.  Simon said you'll regret that decision tomorrow, it was quite a lame cabaret performance (but he meant it in a bad way).  Uh oh.  I'm starting to sense something here....

 

Cookie's song is 'Dare You To Move' by Switchfoot, which he calls an appropriate song for an appropriate moment.  Hmmmmm....one of his own choices....I don't think he should sing songs that he personally likes to listen to....most of his music taste seems to lean toward more studio-produced stuff.  Stuff that's hard to sing live and make it sound good or even ok.  I don't like this that much, but the ending was better than the beginning.  Randy likes the band and hence the song choice but he said Cookie was a little pitchy.  Paula said she thinks it's hard to condense songs into such short snippets.  Simon said it was not the best melodic song in the world and overall everyone had an ok middle round.

 

On to the final round and the producer's choice of song.  This should be interesting, and by interesting I mean excruciatingly dull.  <sigh>  I think they should let America pick the songs since America is the one who votes.  Go online and pick from like a list of ten songs or something....I know I could pick some pretty good songs.  But whatever...nobody ever asks for my opinion.  So anyway, Napoleon's last song of the night chosen by the omnipotent producers is 'Longer' by Dan Fogelberg.  <pause>  Really?  <wrinkling up my nose>  Really?  I don't really like this song...but I guess they're right, this is more his style....which may be why I don't really like him.  He sings it beautifully, of course....but honestly, I'm so bored I'm not really listening.  Maybe that's part of his tactic - to bore us all into some kind of zombie trance while he zaps us with subliminal messages through the air waves.  Yeah.  I'm sure that's it.  Randy said it was an interesting choice (he didn't pick it Randy!) but he could sing the phone book, hot.  You know....I think it would be totally hysterical if Napoleon came on stage next week and actually DID sing the phone book.  <chuckle>  That would at least prove his alien leaders taught him to be funny....Paula said it was lovely.  Simon said he sang the song well even though it was a really gooey song.  <chuckle>  Gooey....

 

Seacrest is walking through the audience and look who it is - Mr. Justin Guarini is sitting there....remember him from Season 1?  He has his own website...justinguarini.com.  I'm not making that up.  It just refers you to his myspace page but that's pretty hysterical.  Anyway, Syesha's producer pick is 'Hit Me Up' by Gia Farrell...probably best well known from the penguin movie Happy Feet.  <shaking my head>  A penguin song?  Anyway, she's totally adorable jumping and dancing around the stage.  You really can't help but smile when she performs.  I was kind of hoping to see the penguin dance....but no luck.  The singing was pretty good but nothing to write home about.  Randy said it was just ok.  Paula said you did it very well but I still don't think this song showed who you are (she didn't pick the song for herself, PAULA!!).  Then she said, in a very uncharacteristic statement, that she doesn't think Syesha did enough to get to the finals....what HUH?!?!  Simon said Syesha's best moment was last week, this song was a little bit forgettable.  Why aren't they blaming the producers for picking this retarded song?  I think it's becoming clear everyone wants to see an all-David finale.

 

Cookie is singing last and the producers picked that Aerosmith classic 'I Don't Want to Miss A Thing'....seriously, Aerosmith.  Steven Tyler has one of those unique voices that make the song so much better and while Cookie sang it pretty well, it just wasn't as good.  It was at least more his style though....Randy said he loves this song, it was ok, kind of predictable.  Paula said I predict you'll be in the finals.  HAHAHA, good one Paula, give away the producers' conspiracy plot.  Simon says David Cook wins the night.  Really?  Ya think? 

 

I thought the whole night was just kind of ok.  The Hubby complained the entire hour about how no one on this season is any good....which considered the hype about this being the most talented season ever, is pretty ironic.  So I posted a few performances you may remember if you're a fan.  Take a listen, and decide for yourself.  Would either of the Davids or Syesha be able to compete?  My prediction is that the producers will fix the voting so that the Davids are in the finale.  Bye Syesha, have fun with your undoubtedly awesome successful career.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It's time people.  Time to thin the herd.  Survival of the fittest.  All that nonsense.  The four will become three.  I hope we all know who is going home tonight (Dreads) so think of this as an hour-long farewell to his pretty eyes, quirky hair and totally annoying inability to say anything useful while being interviewed by Seacrest.  Speaking of Ryan, he is here as usual in a nice black striped tie and his pointy hair.  51 million people voted...or 51 million votes were cast....or more likely, that's a totally made up number that no one can actually verify.  Randy is wearing some kind of black shirt and lots of beads (did you notice that?), Paula has another totally inappropriate evening gown on, and Simon is wearing his steadfast black.  Seacrest starts grilling Randy about why he was so clearly wrong last night about Syesha and Randy defends himself, unsuccessfully.  Then he asks Simon why he seemed angry.  <chuckle>  I didn't catch the answer to that, but obviously because of the people who really really sucked last night Ryan, come on (Dreads).  The kiddies are singing together....not so good.  We forwarded through it.

 

Back from the break and Ryan is talking about the Tour, which starts on July 1.  Tickets are not on sale yet, just in case you were wondering.  So we're going to bring the kiddies up one at a time, right away.  Napoleon is up first and after Seacrest tries to get some kind of conherent response out of him, we find out he's safe.  Seriously, doesn't it just seem like he just blurts out random words sometimes?  Like every third word of the thought he has in his creepy alien brain.  It makes no sense at all. 

 

Now we get to learn about the Vegas trip the kiddies had this week.  They got to fly on their own 737 (that had a bedroom in it!!!) to Vegas to see the Beatles show performed by Circque De Soleil.  Kind of cool.  I've been there....in Vegas I mean.  So Captain Cook gets his sentence read next.  Randy tells him to stay original and Cookie talks about how out of sorts he was yesterday....yeah, yeah.  He's safe.  But we knew that, cause Dreads is obviously going home this week.  Seacrest tries to trick us into thinking he's blabbing out the loser right now....but we know better Ryan.  We're not all as dumb as you think we are....

 

Here's the weird Ford commercial of the week - the kiddies are bull fighting, and the "bull" is a Ford Mustang.  Yeah, the new Mustangs are pretty hot looking, aren't they.  But not the kiddies in those awful clown costumes (remember I hate clowns).  Now it's time for viewer phone calls....<sigh>....they better not do this again next year.  First call is for Cookie, the little lady wants to know if she can go out with him when the Tour is in Pittsburgh and he's trying to be nice and not say NO YOU PSYCHO STALKER!!! by saying, what are you interested in?  Note to self - when a guy asks what you're interested in....he really doesn't care.  The next question is for them all - what has been your biggest challenge.  Syesha says stage fright.  Napoleon has lost his grasp of the English language.  And Dreads says....not joking....the brain being dead.  <long pause>  If he doesn't go home this week, I am going to beat my head into the sliding glass patio door.  The next question is for Simon - why hasn't the Queen knighted you?  <chuckle>  Of course he loved that question.  "I ask myself that everyday."  The next question is for Syesha, what's it like being the last girl left?  And she says she's proud of herself and then makes a reference to the Ford commercial shenanigans...which of course no one else understood....but whatever.  Have you gotten any feedback from the bands you've covered.  Just Cookie, when they complained he was ripping them off without giving them credit, probably.  Last question is for Simon - have you ever acted?  Because you could be the next James Bond?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That's hysterical, but come on...Daniel Craig is so totally gorgeous.  You cannot seriously replace him with the Cowell?  But Simon loves the question anyway.

 

Maroon 5 is performing now.  A single off their new album.  Adam Levine (the lead singer) reminds me of the new Dr. Who....but he would, right?  He's got the awesome arching eyebrow thing going on.  <smile>  Pinstripes are cool.  I suggest to the Hubby he needs a pinstriped suit and he says that would make him look like a pimp or a gangster from the 1920's.....I don't think so, I think it would be cool.  Paula is dancing, as usual.  It's a nice song but not a really great message for the tweeners, huh?  Seacrest goes to talk to him after the song, and holy cow he is short, heehee....Seacrest I mean.  Adam tells the kiddies to expect to work really hard and then hate what they do.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Great advice. 

 

Then we get to hear Bo Bice, or Bogey as he is affectionately known, sing from his new album.  His long hair looks just as frizzy as it did when he was on Season Four.  He sounds great, he's got his own sound now though that doesn't really show off how great his voice is....He's playing the guitar and he's got a real Jim Morrison vibe going on.  It's kind of a repetitive song and I can't really understand the lyrics...but trust me he is a fantastic singer.  After his song, Seacrest asks him about using the instruments during the competition and he says the kiddies need to make sure they balance it out between focusing on their voices.  And then Seacrest blabs out that Bogey's wife is expecting a Baby Bice.  That's great.  Congratulations. 

 

Moving on.  During the commercial we find out that Spacey Ace is going to be on Bones Monday.  The Space Man is another ex-Idoler.  He didn't win anything...but was apparently very popular with some people.  I don't remember liking him very much...So let's get down to it.  Between Syesha and Dreads.  Dreads tells us he did pack his bags, according to Simon's advice.  He says, in a remarkably easy to understand response, that his inexperience is showing through and this has become overwhelming.  Seacrest wants to know why Syesha was so emotional.....which I believe she has already answered about four thousand times.  Syesha is through to the next round.  Dreads is going home.  Here's a recap of his comedy of errors.  Seacrest points out that he seems relieved.  He sings 'I Shot the Sheriff' again, and now he's just being silly and quirky and having fun.  And so Fox cuts it off in the middle of the song.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  NO ROOM NO ROOM!! 

 

So we're down to the final three.  Two Guys, A Girl and the Whole World Waiting.  Next week they get to sing three songs.  Wooohooooo!!

 

Later gators,

Heather

There's only four of them left people.  Only four contestants left.  Seacrest is wearing a striped tie tonight and his pointy haired head looks a little lop-sided, but whatever.  He tells us anything can happen, no one is safe, nothing is guaranteed.  Way to be super melodramatic there, Ryan.  Thanks.  Randy is wearing a weird looking red v-neck thingy.  Paula has another glittery dress on and Simon is wearing the same grey v-neck we've seen ten thousand times before....come on Simon....shake it up a little.  So tonight the kiddies are supposed to be singing rock and roll classics.  This should be interesting.  I have a feeling Cookie is going to excel at this...so the producers decide all the uneducated MTV heathens that watch this show need a history lesson on rock.  After that we have to get down to it because the kiddies are singing two songs each again tonight.  Ryan makes a point of saying they will be judged after each song...and the judges are relieved.  So are we, judges.  I don't think I can handle seeing Paula self-destruct again.  <snicker>  I know, I know....so bad at lying. 

 

Anyway, so Captain Cook is up first.  First?  Really?  Not usually a good sign.  The first song he is singing tonight is Hungry Like The Wolf by DuranDuran.  Yeah.  I'm really not kidding.  All the songs in the rock and roll repertoire....and he picks DuranDuran.  The Hubby is protesting vehemently.  I really like Cookie's voice, but this song does nothing for him.  I really like the song too, you know because I'm addicted to the 80's and all....but again...he could have picked a much better song.  Randy said it was an ok choice of song and a good performance.  Paula said she liked it, rah rah.  Simon said it was kind of 'copy-cat' for you, not what we were expecting, but good.  And there's that smug smirk that Cookie likes to give the audience to show us how pleased he is with himself.  <smile>  Nice.

 

Syesha is next up and she is just so adorable.  She chats with Ryan about how excited she is about the Tour...ok.  And tonight, she is singing Proud Mary, sung by Tina Turner among others.  Oh boy.  Another big song.  She has her little Tina Turner dress on...and the singing is pretty good.  But then she starts dancing and hopping around the stage...just like Tina....and it's awesome.  You just have to smile at that.  She's so comfortable on that stage, performing for people.  If she doesn't make it in this competition, she will be on TV for the rest of her life or a HUGE Broadway star.  She is fabulous.  Randy said she is gaining momentum and in the zone.  Paula said you look like a star.  And then Simon....Simon said it was a bad shrieky version, a bad impersonation.  Oh boy...he is totally ignoring the performance factor she has and I don't think that's totally fair.  All the boys are ogling her, Seacrest makes a comment about 'her moves'....dear Lord.  Men are so predictable...but what a good idea Syesha!  Give 'em a little sex appeal, that'll get you some votes too!!  Very smart.

 

Dreadilocks is singing for us now and he picked Bob Marley.  I Shot the Sheriff.  I guess because he has dreads too.  I guess.  But this is definitely not Bob Marley.  I don't like it....at all.  It sounds like he should be playing that ukelele he bought....what a nightmare.  If I'm not being fair because I just don't like him anymore...well tough.  That's the way it goes when you're the one writing the blog.  This was a bust.  Randy really didn't like it either, he called it really bad karaoke.  Ouch.  Paula said you performed well to the audience...yeah, I guess.  But then she said she wasn't crazy about it either.  Now it's Simon's turn.  Oh boy...this is gonna be brutal.  Simon said it was utterly atrocious, as bad as I've ever heard, what are you THINKING?  If you want some advice, Jason, don't sing any more Bob Marley.  <chuckle>  Good advice, Simon. 

 

Last in the foursome tonight is Napoleon of the Goofy Voice.  <sigh>  I do admit that I have been abnormally harsh on this kid....but he still creeps me out.  He is singing Stand By Me.  Oh....this is one of my absolute favorite songs.  Like ever.  I LOVE this song...so he better not butcher it.  And boy....he really doesn't.  This is beautiful.  He's smiling, his eyes are open.  <sigh>  I guess I have to say he did a great job....but he's still creepy.  Randy says every time you sing, you're great.  Paula points out that he communicated with his eyes, taking the advice of Andrew Lloyd Webber.  Simon thought he struggled at the end, but the best performance of the night so far.  Hmmmm...I don't think Simon likes him that much....or maybe he doesn't like Daddy.  Seacrest is trying to chat with Napoleon after the performance and he says you always look like you're gonna pass out up here listening to what the judges have to say.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  THANK YOU for pointing that out!!  And then Napoleon goes, their faces scare me.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  You must be joking.  They scare you?!?!?  Ok, if that isn't proof this kid is from Mars, I don't know what is...but he won Round 1, with Syesha coming in a close second.

 

We're back from commercial and Ryan goes, thanks for coming back.  (????)  Um....you're welcome?  <shaking my head>  Cookie should be in his element, but something is off tonight.  You can just tell he's not that comfortable.  Maybe he's having blood pressure issues again.  His second song is Baba O'Riley by The Who.  Who?  HAHAHAHAHAHHA.  Another weird choice.  He has a really strong voice and the performance was pretty cool.  I like the way he built it up.  Randy said there's something different about you tonight, but you were great.  Paula is humbled to be watching his soul.....<shaking my head>.....Simon said, welcome back David Cook.  Yeah...welcome back.  That was much better.

 

Syesha picked A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cook for her second performance.  Wow.  An iconic song.  It's a beautiful dress, not a color I could ever wear but it looks good on her.  And this is very emotional...she is emoting, as the judges like to say.  Wow....I think she hit that one right out of the ballpark.  Fantastic.  Randy didn't like it as much as the first song, he didn't like the arrangement.  Humph.  Randy...you're a moron.  He said she was trying to be something she's not.  Nonononononononono....you're wroooooooooooooooooooooooong.  Paula said something about orchestrating her vocals and then she started blabbing about how Syesha has changed and now she's making her cry, then she gives her a standing ovation and Paula and Syesha are both crying at this point.  Oh boy.  Simon says, listen...I have to be fair....and I'm going to agree with.................Paula.  <smile>  Everyone gets on Randy for being such an idiot, Simon says - you made her cry!  HAHAHAHAHA.  One of the better performances from this little lady, no question.

 

Dreads is up again and now he's singing Bob Dylan.  Shoot me now.  I am so not a Bob Dylan fan.  Sooooooooooooooo not.  Tambourine Man...a nice folksy classic, right up his alley...and my opinion is just completely slanted against this kid now.  There is absolutely no hope of getting an objective opinion out of me.  Sorry.  I think he sucks.  He forgot some lines, now he's playing too fast.  Another awful performance.  Randy says, how do you think you did?  Never a good sign when Randy starts by asking questions....Paula said it is what it is.  Simon says, I'd pack your suitcase.  I agree Dreads.  If you don't go home this week, it will be a travesty.  I would have voted for everyone except you....if I voted, I mean.

 

Last to sing for the night is little Napoleon.  He picked Elvis Presley, Love Me Tender.  Wow.  Really?  He wanted to sing something romatic or whatever he said.  Ok.......he's in a stool in a spotlight singing with the piano.....and he's squinting his eyes again.  <sigh>  But this is beautiful.  I mean relaly beautiful.  The ending gave me chills, no joke.  And not because he's creepy, because it was so pretty.  Randy said you carressed every word...that sounded creepy Randy.  Paula said it was her favorite performance from him.  Simon said you didn't beat the competition....you crushed them.  Oh man......I guess I agree.  El Creepo is definitely going to be here another week.  He was DYNAMITE!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.  Ahhhhh, I make myself laugh....

 

Dreads is going home.  If he doesn't....I'm not watching ever again.  <wink>

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

 

So I'm late writing this.  Again.  Please send your donations for the 'Heather Would Love To Be Able to Support Her Entire Family By Writing This Blog Every Day and Doing Nothing Else' fund to Germantown, care of me.  Thanks.  Last Wednesday was the vote-off show.  The vote-off shows have been an hour long all season....and boy have they filled them up with plenty of filler this year.  It's all pretty predictable at this point though, but I'll walk you through it anyway.  Ryan is here and his striped tie doesn't really match that suit but he's so pretty I'm sure no one cares.  The show apparently started early again...because the DVR missed the first thirty seconds or so.  Ryan tells us that 45 million people voted, which is of course not enough to keep him from chastizing us about not voting enough.  Randy and Simon are wearing v-neck sweaters...Randy at least is not showing off any gross chest hair.  Paula has a cute little black and white dress on, trying to look as sane and sober as possible.  You go, girl.  The kiddies are up first, singing their tribute to Neil Diamond.  <sigh>  They're swaying back and forth on a bench and this looks like a scene out of Rent and it is super cheesy.  Brookie has that deer in the headlights look of total terror....maybe because everyone sounds awful.  Good Lord, what a train wreck.

 

Ex-Idolers Gina Glocksen and Constantine whatever his name is are in the audience pimping out their show which is ironically about American Idol.  <pause>  Really?  You want to talk about the show that didn't think you were good enough, and was apparently right because neither of you have singing careers...instead you're on some kind of gossip show.  How pathetic.  Seriously....and Seacrest tries so hard to make it sound cool.  Carrie Underwood is on the Idol stamp this week.  Did you know you can put your own face on a stamp now...I think the Kodak website let's you do it....NICE.  And now it's time for the recap of last night's show.  Seacrest defends Paula's crazy behavior and says the rumors are not true.  What rumors, Seacrest?  That she's high on painkillers most nights....or drunk on whatever happens to be in her coke glass....or maybe she's just kind of dumb.  Either way, don't defend it.  Paula is awesome.  I can always count on her for some excellent blog-able bits.

 

Now it's time to bring the kiddies up one by one for their Judgment.  Dreads is up first.  Blah blah blah, chatter chatter chatter.  And he is safe.  What?  Oh whatever.  Napoleon is up next and everyone is trying to get him to have fun...and it's just not going to happen.  He's a Stepford Son and I'm getting to the point where I really want to slap him.  Anyway, he's safe too.  What a creepy kid.

 

Now we get a preview of - So You Think You Can Dance...probably the worst name for a TV show ever.  Just way too long, right?  Now Randy models the winning Coke cup design.  Have there been about four thousand different competitions related to the show this year, or is it just me?  All kinds of things you can win this year...Captain Cook comes out and he's safe, but we knew that.  So it's either Syesha or Brookie...another girl going home.

 

But FIRST, Natasha Bedingfield is going to sing for us "Pocket Full of Sunshine'.  I have heard this song a million times, it's one of those songs that gets stuck in your head.  She's pretty good live though and she is apparently in love with Napoleon....oh dear.  She runs over after she's done singing and gives him a hug and wow...that wasn't awkward or anything....Seacrest tells her Napoleon wants to invite her to the prom.  Um, first of all, no he doesn't.  Second, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 

 

Time for viewer questions, my least favorite part of this show.  Why is Paula so nice to the contestants?  Oh come on....because it's easier than being mean, and whatever she's on just mellows her out, man.  Actually, she gave a really nice coherent answer to this, much to my disappointment.  Is Paula going to do another video with Randy?  Stupid question.  I don't know what they said.  Then this lady gets on the phone and asks Simon which was more memorable - your kiss with Paula, or your kiss with me?  What, WHAT?!?!  This is apparently the girl who gave him his first kiss when he was 9 years old.  Nice, this was actually very sweet.  Until Simon asked her if she was still cute.  Yeah Simon, just the same as when I was 9.  No boobs, no figure, still into Barbies and horses.  <sigh>  Men can be real morons sometimes...

 

The Ford commercial this week is a hippy green commercial with a Hybrid SUV (the irony of the century).  Green hippies is an image that makes me laugh....even though it's not a totally accurate image.  <chuckle>  Green hippies.  After that, Neil Diamond sings for us - Pretty Amazing Grace.  It's nice, as long as you like his voice which I do.  Simon and Neil have some kind of history, that neither of them seems to want to talk about.  And stupid Seacrest doesn't push it.  We would all really like to know what happened Ryan!!  This is why you will never be the King of All Media....that will always be Mr. Stern.  Sorry.  Howard could have figured out what deep dark secret they had hidden in their past...no doubt.

 

So anyway, it's time to give one of the girls the axe.  Seacrest talks to them and then...finally....we find out that Brookie is going home.  Excellent choice America.  And because I'm evil and I wallow in other people's misery....this was just about the best thing ever.  Brookie starts bawling...I don't mean tears streaming down, a few little hiccups.  I mean bawling her eyes out.  She is sobbing and a total mess and this is a totally appropriate way for her to exit the show.  After her Idol Recap, she's still crying and she thanks the audience and then she has to sing.  And it is awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwful.  Some people sound fabulous when they're high on emotions.  Not Brookie.  She sounds terrible.  She doesn't even get through the whole song.  Cookie was looking at her like she had two heads.  She walks upstage after she stops singing, Seacrest is obviously trying to calm her down, and the show fades to black.  That was great.  Dramatic and satisfying.  If only all of reality was like this.....

 

Down to four.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Another week of American Idol, people.  We're down to the top five already.  Wow, it feels like this show just started a few days ago and already we're down to the last five.  Here's Ryan in a nice black suit with a blue shirt and particularly pointy hair today.  He's scolding us about voting...again.  I think he misses Carly.  Here's Randy in a weird looking black shirt.  Paula is wearing a dress made out of gold tissues.  And Simon is in his usual black chest hair.  The kiddies are singing TWO songs tonight.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.  And tonight's theme - it's Neil Diamond night!!  Ok, so I'm not that thrilled about Neil Diamond but I do think this is a better choice than Mariah Carey....since we have no time and the show will indoubtedly run over Ryan rushes us into the first singer of the night -

 

Dreads is up first.  He is going to sing "Forever in Blue Jeans' and 'September Morn'.  I don't know how this is going to work.  Are they going to sing both songs and then get judged?  Whatever, so Dreadilocks didn't know the words for the song during rehearsal....oh come ON!!  This is getting ridiculous...it's like him and Brooke are getting worse....not better.  So anyway, he's playing the guitar.  It's a pretty song, he sounds nice.  But here's the thing with Dreads.  He looks exactly the same every single week.  He sounds exactly the same every single week....not like the same voice....I mean it sounds like he's singing the same song!!  It's just old at this point...we get it.  You're a folk singer...just like Snow White.  We GET it.  So after he's done singing, Ryan gives us the two numbers you can call for Dreads and explains that the judges will comment at the end of the show.  Ok then.  Moving right along.

 

Captain Cook is in an AC/DC jacket (is that retro?) and he's asking Ryan what he does to prepare for the show....which was obviously very scripted and contrived....but I know they were trying to be cute and show that Cookie has a sense of humor even if he is a bit self-righteous.  Ok.  So he picked 'I'm Alive' and 'All I Really Need is You'...Neil seems to like him too.  That's a good sign considering the massive amounts of fame and success this guy has.  I really like Cookie's voice, but I don't know the song so I have no idea if he's changed it up at all.  He's playing the guitar too and I guess you could say that he sounds the same all the time....but here's the difference - I like the way he sounds (I pick the rockers remember).  That was pretty good.

 

Snow White is singing now and she picked 'I'm A Believer' (that song from Shrek) and 'I Am I Said'.  She's playing the guitar and the piano.  Oh boy, there are massive opportunities for her to screw up tonight, huh.  Neil said he was pleasantly surprised by Brookie.  You know, he seems to pick his words very carefully when he's talking about the kiddies.  Anyway, so she's singing the Shrek song and it sounds a little flat.  She's just standing there with the guitar...this is kind of a jump around the stage song, isn't it?  She looks terrified and uncomfortable....I guess I really don't like her anymore.  I'm still pretty ticked that she's wasn't even in the bottom two last week...that was ridiculous.  So, the ending was probably the only good thing about her song.

 

Napoleon is up next and he picked 'Sweet Caroline' and 'America'.  Neil hopes Napoleon takes his advice on the songs.  <shaking my head>  It won't help Neil...it won't make him less annoying.  He's singing Caroline pretty well, but he's so awkward moving around the stage...like his legs don't work very well or Papa Archuleta is pulling the wrong puppet strings.  He's so dorky.  The song sounded pretty good (better than Brookie and Dreads) but I just don't like him anymore.

 

Syesha is the last of the fivers to perform in the first round.  She is singing 'Hello Again' and 'Thank The Lord for the Night'.  Neil seems to really like her, how can he not?  She is adorable.  Definitely not the best singer, but she's definitely going to be famous doing something.  Singing.  Acting.  Whatever.  She's great.  She's got a very pretty purple dress on and she sounds good.  All smiles.  She makes me smile when she smiles...and that's cool.

 

So I thought they were going to wait until the end of the show to comment on the songs....but instead they're making the judges comment now on all the singers all on the stage at the same time.  This is total chaos.  Randy said Dreads was ok, Cookie was strong, Brookie was better but it sounded like karaoke, Napoleon was in the zone, and so is Syesha.  Paula told Dreads she liked hearing his lower register in the first song.  And then she started talking about his second song.  Yeah, the second song he hasn't sung yet....and time is folding in on itself.  Everybody is looking at each other, obviously confused by Paula's sudden fortune-telling abilities...and then Seacrest explains that Dreads has only sung one song...and Paula is now completely flustered.  Here are the options for why this happened - a. Paula is on too many pain killers tonight. b. This show is not live.  c. This show is live but the producers tell her what to say in advance.  d. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many pain killers.  It's obviously either a or d.  Simon is annoyed that Paula is confused and so he's starts yelling at her, who was your favorite?  WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE?!?!  And he keeps saying that until she answers, or if she didn't answer she just stopped talking because I didn't know what was going on this point.  Simon said that Dreads was forgettable, Cookie was just above average, Brookie was a nightmare, Napoleon was amateurish, and Syesha was old fashioned.  Then he starts yelling at them - you're in the top five, what are you doing?  I had better hear the performance of a lifetime in round two.

 

And with those words of encouragement ringing in their ears, we're into Round TWO.

Dreads is singing 'September Morn' and he's sitting on his stool.  Again.  This sounds better, but it's a pretty song...so I'm not sure how hard it would be to screw to it up.  Does he squint too?  I think so.  Now he's walking around the stage and just like Napoleon, he looks super awkward.  They should be more comfortable on stage at this point, don't you think?  It was a very pretty song, but it was also supposed to be romantic.  And he's just not romantic.  Sorry to all you tweeners who squeal for him.  When he gets done with this song, the judges pounce.  Randy thought it was just ok, he doesn't know what is going on with Dreads lately.  Paula said he took the same liberty on both songs, and he needs to get out of his comfort zone.  Simon said this is not you, what's happened?  He called it forgettable.  Me too, I think this will definitely be one of our bottom vote-getters.

 

Captain Cook is singing his second song and there's that smug grin we all love.  He's playing the acoustic guitar and makes it rock.  I don't know if this is different, again, because I don't know the song but it sounds good to me.  I thought it was fantastic, he can definitely be mesmerizing.  Randy is a huge fan of Cookies, he said you rocked the house, blazing!  Paula said you took a chance with a less familiar song (um, Paula, none of these kids singing or watching know who Neil Diamond is!) and then she said she already feels like she's looking the winner.  Hmmmmm...more of that future-speak Paula?  Simon said the first song was just ok, the second song was brilliant, you made it current, smart choice, well done.  Nice.  He's my favorite.  Definitely, definitely.

 

Snow White is singing now - I Am I Said.  Seacrest is tyring to upset her first by talking about Simon's nightmare comment.  And she is just so sickeningly sweet....anyway, she's playing the barefoot piano again, Arizona born and raised.  It's got a sweet little country thing going on...but you know I just don't like her anymore.  It was ok...I guess.  Randy said it was the toughest song of the night, it showed her vulnerability.  (what?!?!  last week showed her vulnerability!!) He said she did a nice job.  Paula said you had fun and you connected with the audience, which she clearly didn't but whatever Paula.  Simon said he really hated the first song, but this was the Brookie we like, not incredible but well done.  <sigh>  Nonononononononono.  She has to go.  I'm tired of her.  With those big boulder eyes and those weird lips.  She looks like a cartoon character sometimes...just go already.

 

It's time for Napoleon to sing America.  He has definitely got the wrong voice for this song, there's no edge to it.  Kind of sounds like Star Search, huh...and I kind of sound like Simon now, huh?  HAHAHAHAHA.  He's definitely taking a page from Kristy Lee's book isn't he, singing about America.  But I didn't like it.  I just don't think anyone is going to vote against America.  Randy said, again, you're in the zone.  Paula said it was the perfect song, keep having fun (FUN?!?!  He's not having fun!?!?  Just look at him for crying out loud!?!?)  Simon said that was a smart choice of song, clever, right choice.  This kid looks so uncomfortable....like he doesn't want to make any mistakes in front of Daddy. 

 

We're to the end and it's time to hear Syesha sing an upbeat little number - Thank the Lord for the Night.  I've never heard this song before but it's a lot of fun and she's a lot of fun.  It's a little out of tune, and it's still old fashioned, but listen...she's is by far and away a better entertainer than pretty much everyone else except Cookie.  It was good and I like her.  Randy said this is your thing.  Paula said the first song was beautiful, and this performance showed your fun side.  Simon said this is the most chaotic show we've ever done.  And then to Syesha, he said you just demonstrated you're a good actress/singer, but you might be in trouble tonight because other people had better second songs than yours.  Nononnoononononononononono.  He said her second song was not memorable.  Humph.  I think he's wrong. 

 

The biggest losers of the week are by far and away Brookie and Dreads.  They absolutely must be in the bottom 3.  Despite "voting for the worst" I think Brookie will be going home.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

It’s time people, go time.  Time to whittle the six down to five.  Time to say goodbye to yet another delusional hopeful and permanently crush their dreams of ever being a success at anything….wow…..that was pretty harsh.  I’m tired and cranky today, so just deal with it.  At this point, probably any of these kids could get a record deal and make a little money so don’t cry for them.  But I still want them to go in the order that I think they should go…..otherwise it annoys me.  So here’s Ryan in another black suit, the tie looks new.  Randy is wearing some tan shirt.  Paula and Simon are both wearing black and showing the same amount of cleavage.  Ryan informs us that 38 million votes were cast, and then he goes – “But was it enough?”  What more do you want from them Ryan!?!?!  Stop being so demanding!?!?!?  So the kiddies start of the show singing ‘All I Ask of You’ with Lord Webber at the piano.  It was kind of cool, but the Hubby is watching the show tonight and so he spent the whole song being completely obnoxious about how glad he was that he didn’t have to watch them sing the night before….<shaking my head>….

 

Seacrest reminds us for the 4 millionth time that there is a Tour this summer and we can buy tickets to it.  And he reminded us about the song-writing competition, just in case anyone is going through vote casting withdrawal.  Then he sits down with Andrew Lloyd Webber for a little one on one.  Andrew Lloyd Webber has the weirdest mannerisms I have ever seen….I am more convinced than ever that he is an alien.  He doesn’t seem comfortable in his own skin.  They talked about Brooke messing up, and Sir Webber said it happens to the best of them, and then he pointed out that Brookie’s rehearsal was flawless.  Then they talked about Dreads and the Memory song, and Sir Webber seemed just as flummoxed (British for confused) by the song choice as everyone else.  He said he agreed with Simon that Jason didn’t look happy, and then he said, well how could he be?  Ouch!  Then Seacrest asked if you were to write a love song for Paula and Simon what would it be called?  Everyone got a chuckle out of that.  He said ‘Time to Say Goodbye’?  <smile>  I guess his alien leaders taught him about human comedy before they sent him here.

 

Time for this week’s horror show Ford commercial.  This week the kiddies are decked in punk/goth attire and are trying to be scary as they turn into comic strips.  Weird, but not as scary as usual….I remember high school…..<wink>.

 

And here is the current President and Mrs. President thanking everyone for donating to Idol Gives Back.  $65 million this year….huh……less than last year.  Good thing we’re not in a recession, right Georgie?

 

Time for the chopping block.  Seacrest brings out the Davids first.  He asks Captain Cook why he sang the song straight this week, instead of doing his own or someone else’s version of the original.  He said in order to be unpredictable, he thought no would expect him to just sing the song.  Ok….that is an acceptable answer.  Then Ryan asks Napoleon if this week was difficult for him….and he either wasn’t listening to the question….or is just a moron…..or maybe it’s just being 12 years old or whatever his age is…..but he couldn’t get an articulate sentence to come out of his mouth.  “I was glad with the song.”  Glad.  With the song.  Glad with the song?  <shaking my head>  It’s only the English language.  You’re only on American Idol.  It might make a tiny bit of sense to speak properly….but that’s just me being ornery again…

 

Oh yeah, they’re both safe.  Seacrest mentions that next week is Neil Diamond week.  Where have they come up with these themes?  Now we get to visit more former Idolers who are now on Broadway.  Miss Tamyra Gray, who looks MUCH better than the last time I caught a picture of her on the telly.  She is performing in the Broadway show – Rent.  And, the incomparable Clay Aiken, who’s not quite as lean as he used to be, is performing in the Broadway show Spamalot.  Good for them, stay busy and happy.  Entertainers have this perpetual energy thing going on that means they have to be constantly working to be happy….and they seemed happy.

 

The performance of the week was form Leona Lewis.  Simon’s find, apparently.  He seems giddy to be taking credit for discovering this girl.  The Hubby mentioned he had already heard this song three or four times today.  He is much more hip than I am….I think she’s very pretty.  Very pretty voice.  And good as a live performer too…I liked it.  She looks like Downtown Julie Brown, doesn’t she?  <chuckle>  That reference may be too old for some of you.

 

Back to the chopping block and here comes Syesha and Brookie.  Ok.  I think we all know who is safe and who is in the bottom two.  Right?  So Ryan talks to them both about their performance last night.  Syesha said it was fun pretending to be someone else.  Brookie said she hasn’t really thought about her decision to stop and start, but it was a conscious decision to not talk over the judges.  Good for her, way to not be as annoying as you usually are….so Brookie is………….SAFE?!?!?!  And Syesha is in the bottom two…..Unbelievable.  Brookie pretends to be stunned and shocked and surprised.  Syesha is all smiles.  She’s been here before.

 

Next up is Jason and Carly…….and I thought we all knew who was safe and who was in the bottom two…………but now I’m not so sure.  Jason is all fidgety nervous and he’s making his weird surfer dude noises.  Carly said she’s going to have fun with her songs from here on out.  So…………Jason is safe……………and Carly is in the bottom two.  <sigh>  America.  You suck.  You really do.  The two best, except for Captain Cook, performances of the night and you put them in the bottom two.  Randy says it was must have been more of a popularity contest this week.  The Hubby said he thinks people don’t like Carly because of her tattoos.  Oh come on….that’s ridiculous…..right?  So now they both have to sing.

 

Carly goes first and it sounds just as good as last night.  She brings down the house.  And then Syesha gets up there and really really gets into it.  She’s having a blast.  All kinds of cute expressions into the camera and to the judges.  She’s adorable.

 

So after the commercial, it’s time to say goodbye to Syesha.  Right?  Oh for crying out loud.  It’s Carly.  Carly is going home.  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more talented than the other two girls on the show, and some of the boys (Dreads)……..but she is going home.  Unbelievable.  Un.  Believable.  I’m already in a pissy mood….and now it just got worse.  Simon tells her she can leave with her head held high.  I agree.  She was fantastic on the show.  And I guarantee you’ll miss her America, when you have to sit through these five singing Neil Diamond next week.  You’ll miss her.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s Sixer Week, down to six, the top six singers.  <smile>  Game 7 of Hockey is on tonight….so yes….I am extremely distracted.  Sorry in advance.  Ryan is wearing a brown and more brown suit.  Randy is in white, Paula is in glittery sequiny something, and Simon is in black.  This week is Broadway week….with Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.  It may surprise you to hear, gentle reader, but I am a fan of Broadway shows….good ones, at least.  So I am a huge fan of Lord Lloyd.  He’s kind of creepy looking though…right?  His face looks like a mask, like he’s wearing a mask of a face….just kind of creepy.  But he seems like a genuinely nice guy.  Randy thinks this is going to be the toughest night of the season.  Paula thinks that some of the kiddies are standing out from the rest.  And Simon clarified the negative connotation he puts on his label of “Broadway” by saying tonight the kiddies have to be memorable and contemporary.  So let’s get to it.

 

Syesha is up first and she is in a hot little red dress.  During her rehearsal, Lord Andrew encouraged her to be theatrical and to have fun.  So that’s what she’s doing.  She is singing ‘One Rock N Roll Too Many’ from Starlight Express.  It’s a little flat in parts, but she is clearly having a lot of fun.  Even Ricky Miner (& the Band) is getting into it.  Very sassy!!  I thought it was pretty good.  Randy thought it was her best performance so far.  Paula said this is what you love and that was obvious…or something like that.  Simon said it was a very sexy performance, her strongest performance so far, and it showed masses of personality.  I think she’s pretty safe this week.

 

 Dreads is singing next.  And get this….he picked ‘Memory’ from Cats.  So, he obviously has no idea what the song is about, that a woman normally sings it, and the character is a cat.  Cats is my favorite production of all time, I saw it a million years ago in the Kennedy Center and was just blown away.  The musical is based on Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats and it’s awesome.  Poems and cats and they’re singing….you just can’t get any better than that.  So Dreads totally throws Sir Drew off by doing this performance.  He calls it a brave choice…which is a nice way of saying, wow, this is gonna be really weird.  It starts off very quiet and sad….just like it’s supposed to be and for about 12 seconds I think he might be able to pull it off….and then it gets gaspy and whiny and now I feel like I’m watching porn.  Very uncomfortable…and very awkward and well….very weird.  Randy is kind of stuttering and then he finally spits out that musically, it was kind of a train wreck.  Paula says that song is normally performed by a female power balladeer and that is not who you are….<smile> thanks Paula.  Simon said that must have been the longest two minutes of your life.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  You looked miserable and I was miserable.  So America, he can’t sing Broadway….but here’s the tricky question of the night…..should we really hold that against him?

 

Snow White is singing next and she picked ‘You Must Love Me’ from Evita.  The first thing Webber says is, I don’t think she has a clue what this song is about.  So he explains the story behind the song and tells her she needs to feel the emotion.  So, the rehearsal sounded pretty good to me and then Brookie gets on stage.  Three notes come out of her mouth and then she stops.  “I’m sorry.”  Not kidding….she just stopped and started again.  Isn’t this the second time she’s messed up that way?  It sounds ok after that…but you can really tell she’s shaken up at this point.  That song had so much friggin potential!!  Perfect for this show and this competition….ironically perfect.  And she just screwed it all up.  Randy said there were parts he didn’t like, but he got the vulnerability emotion, but vocally it was just ok.  Paula said – never stop and start.  What?!?!?  Didn’t she applaud Brookie for doing that the last time….maybe I’m remembering this wrong.  She liked the fact that Brookie didn’t overact…Simon said the mess up completely threw you, it became quite uncomfortable for everyone and he thinks Brookie is going to be disappointed when she watches it back.  Seacrest asks her what happened….<pause>…..maybe I don’t understand the question, but it seems obvious to just about every other one of the 4 billion viewers that she just forgot the words….which is what Ryan was apparently trying to force her to say.  She’s about 0.7 seconds away from completely losing it….wow, and I thought Dreads was in trouble…..

 

Napoleon is singing for us now.  I have a feeling he is going to be really good at this.  Ryan brings a whole gaggle of girls onto the stage to accost Napoleon and give him the awkward tweener hugs.  <shaking my head>  So he picked ‘Think of Me’ from Phantom of the Opera.  Another one of my all-time favorite musicals.  And another song normally sung by a woman.  No boys….last week was Mariah Carey week….you can sing Boy songs again, if you want!  So the only advice that Andy Lloyd had for Napoleon was ‘keep your eyes open’, so as soon as he starts to sing I actually look at his eyes….and realize….yup.  He's completely squinting them shut….and that probably has a lot to do with the reason I can’t stand him anymore.  He sings the song really well, of course, but it’s still kind of weird hearing him sing it.  The ending was really really pretty.  Randy said you can sing anything….which is just about the only thing Randy seems to say to this kid.  Paula says it was perfect.  Simon said it was pleasant, kind of a weak performance for you, and forgettable.  Oh dear….we weren’t going for forgettable Papa Archuleta….better whip that boy into shape!!

 

Irish Carly is next to sing and she originally chose ‘All I Ask of You’ from Phantom….but Drew stops her and says, no no no, this is all wrong.  You need a bigger song for that big voice.  Her second choice was Jesus Christ Superstar, from that musical.  And this is perfect for her.  Drew seems very happy that he convinced her to switch songs.  She has a weird glittery paisley dress on…but this is a huge performance.  The whole stage seems to fill up with her voice.  It was very rock…she switched up the chorus a bit to better suit her voice and I loved it.  More Jesus on Idol….can never seem to get away from that….but that was a pretty great performance.  Randy said, I don’t know if it was your best, but definitely good.  Paula said she loved the changes Carly made, because she thought she may have started in too high a key.  Simon said it was a little bit shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night.  Carly is thrilled, like shrieky giggly thrilled and she pulls out this t-shirt that says – “Simon Likes Me (this week)”.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That’s hysterical.  Seacrest is a little thrown, he’s like, ok, thanks for that.  Hee hee….just go with it Ryan.  Funny is funny.  And I want one of those shirts.

 

Singing last, again, is Captain Cook.  He apparently is a big fan of musical theater and so meeting Lord Webber was a big thrill for him.  If he can actually be “thrilled”….ever.  He picked ‘Music of the Night’ from Phantom….which is a beautiful song, normally sung by a MAN.  Very romantic, very seductive.  Lord Webber thinks that if he can get some of that passion into his voice, maybe it will work.  Wow, that’s not a ringing endorsement, is it?  He probably thought Cookie was smug too.  So he is singing….and it is……….beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful!!!  And he hit the high note in the song!!  Really great.  I am normally writing while I listen to this show….but not for this…..for this song….I just listened.  That was memorable.  Randy said you can sing anything.  Paula said you’re well-rounded as a performer, fantastic.  Simon said I like the gritty side of you better, but you made the most of the song.  Hmmmm….I think he’s pretty safe this week…..

 

So it’s either gonna be Dreads for trying to be a female power balladeer or Snow White for forgetting the words and mucking up a perfectly appropriate song.  I’m off to watch hockey.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

Hello Idolers.  It’s go time.  Time to get rid of this week’s biggest loser.  I know, I’m feeling pretty apathetic this week as a result of the Caps looking so out of sorts on Tuesday.  They’re playing again tonight…in Philly <frowny>…so I may be in a better mood tomorrow.  Seacrest is back to the black shiny suits and yes I am still talking about it…just can’t help myself.  It’s a habit.  36 million votes were phoned in…that had to be enough to get Horsey ousted.  We’ll have to wait to find out though, here are our judges.  Randy is wearing some black sequined shirt, Paula has a huge flower on her neck distracting me from what the rest of her outfit looked like, and Simon is wearing grey again.  The kiddies start off the show with their group song…and Dreads has this solo in the beginning which is just awful…and then Horsey sings and this is a total train wreck.  I don’t think they should sing this one on the tour.

Seacrest is talking about the song competition again…yeah, yeah, we know already.  Recap the highlights from last night and let’s get to it.  Dreads is up first and he is safe and he likes the beach.  Cookie gets screams from the audience, and he is very emotional and he is in the bottom three.  Irish Carly is off to the safe side and thinks Simon has been particularly hard on her.  He says it’s just because I think you can do better, which is kind of like a compliment.  Horsey comes out next, she calls Simon a butt and heads off to the Loser side of the stage.  Not looking too good for the Cooks tonight.

And here is the Ford commercial of the week…and let me tell you something….this was by far and away the creepiest thing they have ever done.  The kiddies are all puppets and they're flopping around like creepy puppets and they’re all made up like horror movie freaks and I didn’t like it at all.  At.  All. 

Time for this week’s guest ex-Idoler to perform – Dumbo Ears!!  You remember Eliot Yamin?  Yeah, he didn’t win anything……obviously.  Awwwwwwwwwwww….I’m so mean.  I don’t like the beard, it looks kind of grizzly.  He’s got something written on his hand, so I made the Hubby rewind the DVR.  “We miss you mom.”  <long pause>  What?  He gets a big hug from Ryan and that’s when we find out that his mom died.  Like…just died a few days ago and this is the first time he’s been on the stage and wow, do I feel like a huge s**thead now. 

Syesha comes out with her big hair and she is safe.  And then Brookie comes out and talks about how emotional she is…again and she has to go stand with the Cooks on the Loser side….and….oh wait.  Tricky tricky.  I literally just noticed that there are no stools on the stage and that Ryan has never once said someone is safe…they’re just being split into two different groups.  Huh.  Always changing it up on us, aren’t they?

Time for viewer questions.  I missed this last week.  <pause>  Just kidding.  First question is for Horsey – were you able to buy your horse back?  No, and so Ryan is like, ‘Sir, come on….look at that face, give her her horse back!’  Heehee…no pressure.  The next question is for the judges – what was the first album you ever bought.  Randy says he bought Zeppelin, the Beatles and something else I didn’t catch.  Paula said she bought Earth, Wind & Fire, and Carol King and something else I didn’t catch.  Simon said he was 10 and he bought Paula Abdul’s album Straight Up.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Next question is for Paula – what song of yours best describes your relationship with Simon?  And Simon says, Straight Up (oh my!) and Randy says Cold Hearted Snake…and Paula rambles on and says Simon I will never be ‘Your Girl’…The next question is for Simon and the caller wants to know the difference between a ‘karaoke’, ‘theme park’, ‘cruise ship’ and ‘meatless hamburger’ performance?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon says, they all suck.  The next caller wants to know if Cookie is single.  And he gives the camera a big YES.  What a tramp.

We’re back from commercial and Ryan is shilling American Idol stamps now.  Are you serious?  Do these people have no shame?  How much crap can you put American Idol on, anyway?  And how long do I have to buy some of those stamps?

Mariah is here singing ‘Bye Bye’ in a super hot black dress showing off mile long legs.  Good Lord almighty, she looks great.  The Hubby has quieted down considerably.  And look at that diamond bracelet!!  Yummy.  I mentioned it to the Hubby, and he goes, What bracelet?  HAHAHAHAHAHA, men are so predictable.  Seacrest could just stand next to her all night I think.

So on one side of the stage we have Syesha, Dreads and Irish Carly.  On the other side of the stage we have Brookie and the Cookies.  And here is Napoleon in his MJ jacket.  Seacrest wants to know if he’s having any fun?  Yeah….cause it’s so easy to tell zombie face.  He is safe.  Ryan said it which is how I know.  And then he tells Captain Cook and Syesha to switch places on the stage.  And then he tells Napoleon to pick which side he thinks is safe and the Hubby immediately starts crying foul play!  Which is not exactly how he described it….but you get the idea.  So instead, Napoleon sits right down in the middle of everything.  Nice.  Nice move kid.  Vote for Pedro and all your wildest dreams will come true.  So after that being cool and at the same time kind of awkward because I got the creepy feeling like his dad was out in the audience telling him to scoot closer to the middle of the stage….we find out that Irish Carly, Dreads, Captain and Napoleon are all safe.

So the Losers this week are Syesha, Brookie and Horsey.  Syesha is safe right off the bat and Horsey kind of knows she’s going home and Brookie is like you don’t know anything.  And of course it’s Horsey.  She finally got the axe.  Woohooooooooooooooooooo!!!  I am finally right about something on this show.  See?  If you pick the same person to go home every week, eventually you will be right.  Brookie is crying all over the place, and now Horsey is crying but staying remarkably composed.  That’s it for tonight, and Horsey has to sing one last time and so she is sitting practically in Simon’s lap, singing directly to him.  Chutzpah.  I like it.  And wow….if she had sang like this last night, she may have stuck around.  Was it just me, or did this sound waaaaaaaaaaaaay better?  Oh well.  Too late.  Doesn’t matter.  <evil grin>  Can someone please tell me why Paula is always standing?

Down to Six.  The Sixers.  <smile>

Later gators,

Heather

So I’m a day late again with this….I’m sure you are all perfect and have endless amounts of time to spend on things that are not work while you’re at work….but not so for the glamorous world of government auditing people.  I was very busy making the auditee miserable yesterday with my unending number of questions and harassment.  It was fun, but let’s get back to this shall we?

So the Caps are on tonight.  Game 3 is tonight, the series is tied.  Of course the first game, the one we won, was brilliant.  Down 4-2 in the third period…no chance, right?  Oh no.  Think again.  Green gets TWO goals in the first ten minutes of the period to tie it up and then Mr. Fantastic gets the game winner.  That was just in case anybody didn’t think he deserved the MVP.  But Sunday was a whole different story….they looked like an entirely different team.  They were playing for themselves, and not for each other….they looked more like the old Caps.  So now that the series is tied, tonight is important and we’re in stupid stupid Philadelphia…so I might be kind of distracted.  Just a warning.

 

The top 7 are performing tonight.  Wow, where has the time gone?  It feels like this season just started yesterday.  I mentioned that to the Hubby and he looked at me like I had green tentacles growing out of my forehead.  Perspective is a funny thing, isn’t it?  I know I mentioned I wouldn’t mention Ryan’s wardrobe again, except tonight he isn’t wearing another black suit….tonight it's tan.  Still very nice, but tan.  He spends a good 30 seconds chastising us for apparently not voting enough last Thursday.  What was it Ryan, 30 million votes or something?  That’s not enough for you?  Distraction #1 – Just realized that Comcast Sportsnet is showing the Caps game…I was taping it on Vs.  And when I switch back to the recording on the DVR, that channel is blacked out.  After fits of profanity and getting the right channel taping finally for the hockey, I’m back to AI.  Randy is wearing his black bowling shirt.  And say hello to Paula the Purple People Eater.  And here is Simon in the ever classy and chic black sweater.  And here are the kiddies look pale and nauseous with excitement.  And you know why they’re nervous, right??  Tonight is Mariah Carey night.  Get the hell out of here.  You have been yelling at Syesha for the last month or so for picking songs that are too big for her….and now you’re going to force everyone to sing songs by one of the world’s biggest Divas??  That’s nuts.  The Hubby, and others, have mentioned to me that this was a ploy by the producers to get a girl voted off.  Wow, are you guys paranoid.  So we get the intro to Mariah in case any of you have lived under a rock in a hole in the center of the Earth for the last twenty years or so…she’s sold 160 million albums, 5 grammys, just topped Elvis for the most #1 hits for a solo artist.  She brought her dog to meet the Idols.  She looks totally amazing, by the way.  Which is great because the Hubby can be distracted by that this week and maybe he’ll be quiet.  So Randy tells us he’s looking for identity this week, be yourself, don’t try to be Mariah.  Ok, good luck with that kiddies.  Paula said she thinks she should defer to Randy this week since he’s the expert on Mariah.  <chuckle>  Coming back to bite you in the ass, isn’t it Randy?  Simon said this is make or break time for Randy, he’s got it all on the line tonight.

Mickey Mouse is up first for the night.  I have decided to call him Napoleon Dynamite now because that’s what his stupid voice sounds like.  If you like him….sorry….but it is annoying.  He doesn’t think he’s worthy to be in Mariah’s presence…not worthy, heehee, now he sounds like Mike Myers.  Anyway, Mariah thought his voice was moving.  Is he wearing leather pants?  Yeah, he can sing.  It sounds a little bit off…but just in a few places.  I think it’s called ‘Believe’.  It was pretty…but I wasn’t going crazy or anything.  I’m kind of irked because the score is three to one after the first period….Huet is making me nuts.  He’s the new little goalie phenom we traded for….I’d rather see Olie the Goalie play against the Flyers.  I think he’s less intimidated by them….So anyway, Napoleon gets through the song and here’s that zombie smile we’ve come to know and love (not really).  Randy said you can sing anything.  Paula said you made Mariah proud (how does she know?).  And Simon said you performed it very well.  Seacrest tells us that Napoleon doesn’t eat on performance night….yeah because Daddy is punishing him for not singing well enough to make him millions….

Irish Carly is up next.  She was sad to see Thunder go because now everything is very boring.  Nice.  Apparently all the other kiddies are super dull.  I can kind of see that….Zombie Boy and the Arrogant One and the Shy One and girls never get along with girls very well.  She’s singing ‘Without You’.  Mariah thinks she did a great job.  She’s singing with the piano, a lot of low notes in this song, and I think it sounds pretty good.  And then she goes really big with her voice…beautiful, but you know ever since Simon called her angry…..thought’s all I can think of when I look at her.  Simon is whispering something to Paula, probably telling her what to say.  Randy says be more confident with the low notes.  Paula says she loved that Carly showed some restraint.  Ok.  Simon says, you didn’t pull it off, you’re overthinking, you’re too wound up.  Well.  Tell us how you really feel, Cowell.  You know, I really do get the impression he says these things because he genuinely thinks she can do better.  She does look good though, pretty dress.

And another commercial, so the Hubby switches right back to the hockey.  Mike Green scored, with an assist from Semin and Ovechkin set it up.  Stupid Philly orange people are booing every time Alex has the puck.  I hate them.  So next to sing is Syesha.  She is going to attempt ‘Vanishing’.  Mariah gives her some real advice about the song.  She thought Syesha was really cool, very composed.  Huh, that actually sounds like a real compliment.  More piano for this one and she’s wearing a pretty gold dress.  This sounds great, I think.  A little screamy, but pretty strong.  I like her, she is just so cute.  Randy said you pick the toughest songs, but you did a good job all things considered.  “All things considered” is one of the worst phrases in the history of the English language.  It’s an insult that’s pretending to be a compliment.  Fraidy cats use this phrase because they just can’t come right out and say what they mean…it’s infuriating to me.  Paula calls her extremely smart for picking a song not many people know….wow, is their advice totally contradictory from week to week or what?  Simon said, again technically it was very good.  You run a risk singing a song not many people know.  It’s a wonder the kiddies’ heads don’t explode from this nonsense.  The Cowell says he thinks Napoleon has stolen the show and he’s the one to beat…..ugh…..are you serious Simon?

Philly just scored another goal in the 2^nd, that’s 4 to 2 again going in to the third period….Snow White is singing for us now.  She talks about missing her sister’s wedding and that made her emotional…noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….you’re joking?  Isn’t she emotional every week?  So she is attempting ‘Hero’ and Mariah calls her really genuine.  She’s playing the piano for this one and it’s very pretty.  Not as good obviously, but good.  She looks nervous at the end there….she’s kind of losing it I think….is she shaking?  Anyway, the song is over, she puts her shoes back on.  Randy thought the bridge was kind of rough, at the end you lost confidence.  Exactly.  Paula said she is authentic to who you are….whatever that means, she said don’t let the lack of confidence speed you up.  Simon said, and thi s is classic, it was like “ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun”.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Paula starts going where’s the beef, and then they all start arguing that the burger was there but the lettuce and tomato weren’t….and this conversation is really irritating.  Seacrest goes, if you’d like to order take-out, dial…..<giggle>

The Horse Whisperer is next on the sacrificial alter for the girls.  She is singing ‘Forever’.  I thought she sounded pretty bad in rehearsal, but Mariah likes Horsey’s version better than her own.  Come on Mariah….I think you must be light-headed from not eating anything….So Horsey is singing this with the piano guy too….her hair looks kind of frumpy.  I know, so catty.  I just can’t help myself…I think this girl should have gone home weeks ago…is she even with the music?  She sings it in her country style, which was a good choice.  Randy said he wasn’t amazed, a couple of pitchy notes but then you stepped it up.  Ok.  Paula said you’re very smart (why is she calling everybody smart tonight?) and she was blown away….blah blah blah….she’s in one of her blubbering moods tonight.  Simon said you didn’t give me chills (because she gave Mariah chills), it was whiny, and you managed with what you could, not great.  He really doesn’t mince words with her, does he?  So she’s going home this week, right?  Right?

Oh look, Ramielle is in the audience, that’s nice.  Where’s her gal pal, Danny?  We’re into the third period and Morrison scored a goal off of Brooks Laiche (Brooke White’s hockey double) and I have hope.  Captain Cook is singing next and he picked ‘Always Be My Baby’, which Mariah was surprised by.She said it was pretty and haunting.  I like his voice, even if he is pompous.  Such a double standard, I know.  I like him but not Horsey…oh well, that’s how the world works people, deal with it.  He certainly made it his own, into that nice rock version.  The ending was very pretty.  Randy said you are ready to make an album now and then he gave him a standing ovation.  Paula said this could be in a movie soundtrack, you’re it.  Simon said it was like coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…..he said it was a sign of a great potential artist, taking risks, congratulations.  And Cookie is crying….taking a page right out of Brookie's book getting all teary-eyed like that….

The Flyers just scored on a penalty shot.  And then scored again on an empty net at the end of the game.  Final score, for all of you not keeping track….6-3.  Not good not good.  I am very upset.  Like….Redskins upset.  Dreadilocks is singing last tonight.  He annoys me too with his stuttering pluttering surfer dude voice, but not as much as Napoleon.  He is singing ‘I Don’t Want To Cry’….which maybe Cookie should have sang, huh?  Mariah gave him some advice on different melodies, which he apparently appreciated.  It’s kind of hard to tell with this one…he kind of acts the same all the time….Mariah thinks he’s unique.  Ok.  The song is pretty, folksy, same old standard Dreads.  Nothing new.  Randy didn’t really love it, he felt like he was at a weird beach luau.  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA….nice one.  Paula said I’d love to be at that luau listening to you sing all night long…..oh Paula.  Simon said he agrees with………….<short dramatic pause> Paula.  It wasn’t the best vocal, but it identified with you, and it was a cool version.  Nice.

So Horsey is going home.  I realize I’ve said this about four hundred times already…and have successfully lost all credibility with you people for my selection skills.  But come on…it’s obvious right? 

Later gators,

Heather

 

It’s go time people.  Lots of American Idol on this week, hope you’re not burned out by it yet.  It’s time to kick someone off the show and completely destroy their self esteem….you know, I don’t think they voted someone off during Idol Gives Back week last year?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Anyway, here’s Ryan in another nice black suit.  Congratulations to whoever he has dressing him now.  You may wonder why I mention what he’s wearing all the time…quite simply because in the earlier days of the show right up until last year basically…he looked like a clown half the time and the other half of the time, he looked like a freak.  And everybody likes hearing about freaks….but I may have to stop.  The Black Suit uniform is becoming a little dull.  Don’t get me wrong.  He looks great….just boring.  But over at the judge’s table we have a whole different matter to discuss.  It’s Crazy Shirt Night for Randy and Paula.  I don’t really know how to properly describe what they’re wearing….just crazy.  And Simon is in grey, which is British for gray.  The kiddies are singing again.  Shout to the Lord.  Which they sang last night.  And now we’re listening to it……….again.  Huh.  That’s kind of weird….right?  This was at the end of last night’s show though…like at 10:07, so probably about 97% of DVR’s were no longer recording the stupid show.  Except mine because I’m a DVR programming genius.  But still, I’ve heard it before, so I just fast forwarded through it.  The Hubby is doing his Dumb & Dumber impression – “Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?” and whining incessantly about this being the third night in a row we have to watch this show.  <sigh>  Cole and Dylan Sprouse (those twins who were in Big Daddy and other things I am assuming) are begging for money.  Wow, they had so many celebs do promos that they couldn’t fit them all in last night….that’s crazy.

And speaking of celebs and promotions, we come back to this year’s montage of the Crazy People dancing around to “I’m A Believer” in the spirit of giving.  Instead of trying to name everyone that was on the video, I just added it above so you can watch it for yourselves.  Ryan tells us that 31 million people voted.  And now it’s time to get down to business, so dim the lights.  Snow White is the first one out on stage and she was very emotional last night because apparently her sister is getting married and she says, “And I won’t be able to go.”  And then she realized how that sounded, so she added, “I don’t want to be presumptuous, I assume I’m not going, maybe I am.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Alright Brookie.  This is one case out of ten thousand that your non-stop talking worked in your favor, that was pretty funny.  So Seacrest gives her the cue card to read, and she finds out that she’s safe.  To the couch!  And then Captain Cook comes out and we recap – he’s pompous, arrogant, smug.  And apparently he doesn’t really care what Simon calls him….you know, because he’s so arrogant.  And apparently he’s safe too.  Ok.  Last up in the first threesome in Mickey Mouse looking more and more like a zombie.  Remember when he genuinely looked happy to be here?  What happened to that kid, huh?  So anyway, he and his raspy voice are still safe.  Congratulations Papa Archuleta.

More promos from “Doctor” Phil and Ricki Lake.  And now we’re going back to Africa for another video with Forrest Whitaker and Wife.  They’re showing us all the orphaned homeless kids in Angola.  <shudder>  One six year old is helping his blind father beg for money on the streets.  <shaking my head>  Six years old.  He should be playing….not begging.  Forrest is pretty shaken up when they go home with the little family and see that the three kids in the family all sleep on this tiny dirty thin mattress on the floor.  That’s their bed.  You can tell he was pretty taken aback when the kids showed him…he was like, “Oh……………..oh ok. “  And then he’s trying to describe how troubling it is to see all this and he gets pretty emotional.  He calls the kids in Angola a ‘generation of lost children’.  And then he explains that they are some places where the kids can go to be housed and go to school.  A nun runs the one he visited.  But of course these places can only take so many kids.  So you need to donate.  And AI is still taking your money.  So GIVE GIVE GIVE!!

Now it’s time for the guest performer of the week – Miss Jordin Sparks with the Hit Machine Chris Brown are singing their duet ‘No Air’.  Pretty song and Chris Brown sounds great, doesn’t he?  After the song Ryan presents Jordin with her gold record thing and other framed tributes for a million downloads of No Air and half a million downloads of her song Tattoo.  Well, good for her….and Ryan goes, see this is proof that American Idol works.  <pause>  What?  I have no idea what he meant by that….it sounded weird right?  

Michael Chiclets is asking for money now and trying to be his character from the Shield show….silly, you’ll always be The Thing from Fantastic Four.  And now it’s time for the creepy Ford commercial set to I Just Want to Celebrate.  They’re driving through paint like a bunch of freaks.  I would not like to get paint on my car…this commercial makes me uneasy.  So let’s move on.

Time for the next threesome of the top eighters.  Dreadilocks comes out first and he tells Ryan that he bought that ukulele for $600.  Are you joking?  I was curious so I went to the website ukuleleworld.com and the most expensive uke on their page is about $600….who knew?  Oh yeah, and he’s safe.  The Horse Whisperer comes out and you just know that she knows she’s gonna be the first to sit on the stools.  The Hubby told me that her Vegas odds of winning the show are 75:1….I don’t know where he hears this stuff.  Anyway, her odds just got better because she’s safe.  So that leaves us with Irish Carly, Syesha and the Thunder, who must all be in the bottom three because I can count.

Jim Carrey is asking for money now and Bono is explaining one.org.  He thinks ‘New Americans’ are more charitable.  That’s nice.  I can tell you this Mr. Bono, if the price of gas, cigs and groceries weren’t breaking the bank right now…I would have given a little more!  Oh and look at this, the candidates all have a little schpeal to give us too – Hillary, John and Barrack.  How wonderful…so now, not only are we mixing church and American Idol, now we’re mixing politics and American Idol.  <shaking my head>  Is nothing sacred anymore?

They are really dragging this hour out aren’t they?  Don’t have enough filler to fill the show, I think.  So Ryan is recapping everyone’s performance and talking to the judges, blah blah blah.  Carly looks like she’s pretty convinced she is going home…and then Ryan says….Syesha, Carly, you are safe.  WHAT?!?!?

 

 

WHAT!?!?!?!

 

 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Everyone is shocked.  Stunned.  The audience is eerily silent.  And then Ryan, because he is the biggest moron jackass on the planet, says last year we didn’t vote anyone off during Idol Gives Back week…and everyone kind of holds their breath because he’s making it sounds like even though there was a vote, maybe they won’t get rid of anyone this week either, but then he says,  but you Michael are leaving us tonight.  You idiot.  I hate him sometimes…but poor Michael….I think Paula actually made a good point – it’s time to get your career started because a lot of people are dying to hear from you.  Yes yes.  I cannot believe the Aussie went before Kristy Lee.  I seriously can’t.

 

Oh well, America…this isn’t the first time you’ve disappointed me and will undoubtedly not be the last.  By the way, the first game of the NHL playoff series between the Flyers and my Washington Capitals is tonight at 7pm on Comcast Sportsnet.  I am giddy with excitement for this hockey team…going to be wearing my lucky jersey all night.  So root them on gators!! 

 

Rock the Red!  Later,

Heather

It’s Idol Gives Back night!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  I have been looking forward to this, and imagine my complete delight upon hearing that the show was going to be on for 2 ½ hours!!!  <giggle>  The Hubby is in misery…and I do feel kind of bad, except there’s really nothing else on tonight….not like he’s missing anything.  I have a big box of Kleenex next to me because I can just about guarantee that this is gonna by a major tearjerker.  Kids’ll get you every time.

So here’s Ryan in a very nice black suit.  This one looks a bit more expensive than his regular weeknight attire.  He tells us we’re here to raise money for disadvantaged kids around the world and in the US.  We know, Ryan.  Bring on the celebrities!!  First though, the kiddies get to sing with the kiddies from So You Think You Can Dance.  This is totally awesome dancing.  The breakdancers…..is that what they’re still called?  Anyway, they seriously looked like they were breaking their bodies….ouch.  Ryan dances off the stage with them.  You dork.

Our first promo is from Nascar champion Jimmie Johnson.  The Hubby hates this guy.  So I got a very loud BOOOOOOOOOOO from his couch, and then the grumbling continued.  George Lopez asked for money next, in Spanish.  And then Kylie Minogue.  “Save a life tonight, save the world tomorrow.”  Wow.  Is that all we have to do?  <smile>  Always have great expectations of yourself people.  We underestimate ourselves allllllllllllllllll the time.  And now the First Lady of Caleeeeeeeeefornia is here on stage, Miss Maria Shriver.  Looking really creepy.  She should have been the alien in Men In Black II, instead of Lara Flynn Boyle.  Anyway, she’s on stage with a ton of volunteers and she’s telling us we can all be American Idols!!!  Woooooooohooooooo!! 

And here is funnyman Ben Stiller.  He tells us he released a cover album of Whitney Houston songs.  <chuckle>, Ok.  And apparently, thanks to his venture American Idol is now in the hole by a few million.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Ok.  Now he tells us his plan to raise a gugillion dollars for the fundraiser.  He’s such a nut.  Seriously.  If a gugillion people donate just a dollar….HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Exxon gets their promotional commercial in…Jennifer Connelly is in it, and its talking about water and how so many people don’t have fresh drinking water available to them.  I cannot even imagine…in my totally sheltered world of water bottles and water coolers, these kids have nothing.  It's not a different planet people....it's all here, in this world.  <shaking my head>  Starting to get upset….

Our first act of the night is Snoop Dogg.  Some other guy is up there singing too, and I guess if I was more hip I would know who that was….but I’m not and I don’t.  Sorry.  And then the kids football team that Snoop sponsors walks onto to the stage.  All these cute little kids in their jersey jackets.  That’s very cool.  So easy to donate time, even if you don’t have money.  Everybody has something they can share.  Our next beggar is Kobe Bryant with a big band aid on his face.  And then we get Triple H yelling at us in his normal speaking voice, give money or I will squash you like a bug.  Yikes.  Now Paula and Randy are on stage.  Paula looks completely fantastic in this hot little red dress, Randy is wearing some weird black jacket.  They’re telling us about kids right there in Caleeeeeeeeeefornia who are obese and poor and they go to this elementary school that, I am not joking, looks like it’s in the middle of a war zone.  These poor poor kids.  The school has an after-school program to keep kids active and eating healthy, but kids in this neighborhood can’t even play outside because of all the gang activity.  Teachers are telling us how these kids have forgotten how to be kids.  How to not worry.  How to just have fun sometimes.  And then they interview one kid who lets out this magnificent sigh…..a sigh that said so much.  Kids shouldn’t sigh that way.  Like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders.  They just shouldn’t.  Very sad and now I’m upset.  Congratulations American Idol.  My blissful ignorance has been shattered once again. 

Now we get to see a dumb little skit with Carrie Underwood and James Denton doing handyman things like his character on Desperate Housewives.  Is that show still as unbelievably silly as it was like years ago when I was still watching it?  Anyway, so Teri Hatcher walks in on them and says if you’re gonna steal my man then I’m gonna steal your song.  All very very stupid.  So….is she really going to sing?  The announcer introduces her and the Band From TV.  Is this a joke?  What the hell is going on?  And they are all literally from TV, the Heroes guy on drums, the House guy on the fiddle (the cute blonde one), Mike Delfino on guitar and Miss Teri Hatcher singing...pretty well.  That was actually kind of cool, especially since I was expecting it to be a total train wreck.  Then Carrie comes out and tells us all to give as much as we can.  Now a plea from Mary Murphy that screaming dancing show woman.  And more from the Jonas Brothers.

Now it’s time for Billy Crystal, recently retired from the New York Yankees <chuckle>, and he’s telling us about this new up and comer whose dream it has been to sing on American Idol, blah blah blah.  And of course he’s talking about Mylie Cyrus aka the Hannah Montana, aka Billy’s kid.  She’s had two number one hits and a number one movie at the box office.  Really?  Isn’t she like 12 years old….oh 15….and then she asks Billy if he’s in show business.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, that was cute.  And now she’s singing, and I have to say having never really paid that much attention to the Hannah Montana hoopla, I was pretty impressed.  Not by her singing, which was pretty average, but she is quite the little performer.  At 15!!  Holy cow.

So Ryan is in the telethon studio and all the kiddies are taking your calls.  That’s a good idea.  He thanks all the sponsors for all the millions of dollars they donated.  And now we’re off to Africa to see Bono.  Isn’t he always in Africa?  Seriously…does this man ever stop campaigning for human rights?  He’s introducing us to a 14 year old girl who was born HIV positive.  She’s an orphan and she wants people to help her.  Oh dear Jesus….I may need more tissue than this….Next promo is from Julianne Moore, the lovable redhead.  And now Fergie is singing with John Legend on piano.  She is so beautiful.  The song is ‘Finally’, very pretty and she has some lungs on her, doesn’t she?  And then she introduces the next act – Heart.  Woooooooooohoooooooooooooo.  Love them.  And you know American Idol should have invited them with all the songs the kiddies have been singing by this band.  And then Fergie comes back out in a little Catwoman vinyl outfit to sing with Heart and she’s doing one-handed cart wheels around the stage and the Hubby is completely mesmerized by the gymnastics. 

John Cena is asking for money now.  And here is Adam Sandler and he introduces (or maybe it was Ryan, can’t remember) the Manning Brothers!!  WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  Eli and Peyton.  Peyton is soooooo cute!!  So anyway, they went back to their hometown of New Orleans to see all the damage still lingering from Hurricane Katrina.  The hurricane, if you can’t remember, happened in 2005.  That was three years ago people.  No one expected them to rebuild overnight….but I gotta tell you, I thought it would look a whole lot better than it does.  The kids here are in some after-school program talking about how the hurricane effected them.  There is nothing more nerve shattering than listening to a boy….a young boy, say the hurricane and all we’ve had to go through has made me a better man.  <long pause>  This kid….is so old.  And that….is so sad.  Here are Beckham and his gorgeous wife Posh asking for money now.  Ryan tells us we’ve raised $18 million so far.  And then we’re back to Africa with Bono.  He’s talking to kids orphaned by AIDS.  One boy has made a memory box so that he can think of his parents who both died from the disease.  And then Bono sends us to south Africa with the incomparable Annie Lennox.  I completely love this woman.  She is so amazing.  Anyway, she is visiting a family of four.  Four brothers.  The oldest is 15 and he has to take care of them all….and you look at him….and you just can’t escape it.  This kid is the same age as Hannah Montana.  He’s lived through more tragedy in his 15 years than I will probably ever know in my entire life.  He truly does have the weight of the world on his shoulders.  And to look at his face, the quiet dignified accepting face of a child.  You see God in the face of this child.  Not resentful, not envious, not angry.  Just sad.  Infinitely sad and more lonely than any one person should ever have to be.  Alone in his responsibility because everyone there, in this place, has the same or more on their own shoulders.  No one can help him carry this weight.  Everyone must care for themselves and their own.  Annie and the camera crew are taking the boys to a clinic to get tested for HIV.  This is the most awful thing…I am assuming they wouldn’t show us this if it was truly bad news….but there’s still that feeling, that sinking feeling for these kids.  If the oldest is sick, who will take care of the rest of them?  They are all negative, and they get the news and Annie is excited but the boys are stoic.  Ok, one less meteor of cosmic injustice to deal with, great.  The crew leaves, and poor Annie is crying her eyes out and now I’m crying my eyes out.  This was by far and away the most poignant clip they showed the whole night.  And here she is, Miss Lennox, singing for us now on stage.  The voice of an angel.  She sings ‘Many Rivers’, while playing the piano.  Very pretty song.

Kiefer Sutherland is begging now, and he mentioned something about 24 but I didn’t catch it.  When the hell is that show coming back on, anyway?  And here is Celine in Africa surrounded by kids and asking for money.  And here is Jimmy Kimmel on stage us with us in the Kodak theater.  Hi Jimmy!  He starts roasting Simon and talking about how we should use some of the money we raise to buy him some shirts that fit.  <chuckle>  And then he talks about his haircut.  You make $40 million a year, I think we can move up from Supercuts.  HAHAHAHAHHAHA.  He says he’s introducing Simon because no one else would.  That’s sweet.  So Simon is in New York and visiting a family who uses one of the mobile medical units for their care.  50 million kids in this country have no healthcare.  None.  Unbelievable….by the by, if you want to feel even more terrible about the state of the nation, watch Michael Moore’s flick Sicko.  I don’t particularly care for Michael Moore….but the movie is an eye-opener.  Even if half of it is severely slanted….eye-opener.  So anyway, the family Simon is visiting is a woman and her two kids, one who was in a wheelchair and has like three pins in his knee, the other has rheumatoid arthritis and the mom has recently been diagnosed with Lupus.  <shaking my head>  Why should you help?  Why is this your problem?  Quite simply because your ten dollars is a hundred to her….small things mean so much more to people who have nothing.  You may think such a small donation would be pointless….but that goes completely against the American way of thinking, doesn’t it?  One voice, one vote, one buck….all make a difference.  Simon is on stage now talking about what he saw, and then introduces the most successful American Idol, and I don’t know about you, but I was just assuming he was talking about Kelly Clarkson….and he wasn’t, he was talking about Carrie Underwood.  Huh.  She looks amazing by the way and the song is very pretty.  She is just a great country singer….but she’s not Kelly.  Still great though.

Whoopie Goldberg is next to guilt me out of my Starbucks money and then Ellen explaining that you don’t “dial” a number…you press a number.  <smile>  I hadn’t thought of that…she’s so funny.  And our next act is Gloria Estefan and Sheila E.  Well….oh my goodness.  The dancers are back – Get On Your Feet.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  This brings me back.  You know when this song was released?  Some of the kiddies weren’t even alive.  1989.  <grimace>  Wow.  And now Sara Silverman is on stage and this girl is so hysterical….she completely cracks me up.  She introduces Forrest Whittaker and his wife who are in Uganda for Malaria No More.

A child dies every 30 seconds from malaria…a completely preventable disease.  A $10 mosquito net would prevent so much of it….and we’re looking at a baby, a baby, that has advanced malaria.  It has gone to her brain and is causing convulsions and the baby is frothing at the mouth and could be comatose….and they wouldn’t show this if the baby dies………….right?  So Forrest and Wife come to the bedside after the baby has started to improve and are asking all kinds of questions.  Yes the baby should recover, yes she may have brain damage, and no, no one had a mosquito net in the house.  Forrest asks us to make tonight historic.  And then we get a message from The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, Member of Parliament.  The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.  The Hubby and I spent most of his speech trying to figure out what ‘Rt Hon’ and ‘MP’ stood for…but I did hear him say that Britain is donating 20 million mosquito nets to the Malaria No More fund.  Ryan, who is a math genius, tells us that’s $200 million.  Wow.  That’s impressive. 

More begging from Keith Urban and here is Reese Witherspoon.  She’s heading back to New Orleans to show us what the Children’s Defense Fund is all about and their programs called Freedom Schools.  These kids who are so poor and who have lost everything often turn to violence and drugs.  They get out of control so fast and this after-school program teaches kids how to be leaders in their communities again.  That is an inspired idea…really.  I like it a lot.  Now we’re back to the kiddies and they are singing ‘Seasons of Love’ from Rent, that musical.  I thought they sounded pretty good…but the Hubby just kept whining….of course he may just be irritated because he has been watching this for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than he is used to being subjected to Ryan Seacrest <chuckle>….poor guy. 

Here is Dane Cook, who the Hubby hates apparently, introducing Alicia Keys.  Miss Keys is in Africa promoting her charity “Keep A Child Alive” and visiting more kids orphaned by AIDS and visiting with a grandmother.  All four of her kids died of AIDS, and now she must take care of her eight grandchildren.  Oh dear Jesus.  Alicia is telling us if the media spent half the time they do on celebrity drama on these problems, they would be much closer to being solved.  I agree.  I really do….but that also makes me feel so guilty and selfish for liking to hear about celebrity drama….<frowny>….you can download the whole Alicia Keys Africa trip for free on the American Idol website.  That’s pretty cool. 

Hannah Montana is back singing again.  YES!!  I am so glad.  She is apparently singing a very popular song….but how am I supposed to know this stuff.  She and Papa Cyrus went back to their home state of Kentucky to see how poor the poor people are….and this is so depressing.  These people have nothing.  They live in squalor.  What do you think will happen to them during this recession, I mean credit crisis?  And this mom, she wants so much more for her kids….she would give anything for them to get out and get a better life…..give anything.  How do you give anything when you have nothing?  So the local school has a program that helps kids learn how to read, and community volunteers donate books to families because “you can go anywhere in a book”.  I don’t think I’ve stopped crying for the last hour or so….my parents raised us on books.  I read all the time.  Every day.  And I cannot even fathom not knowing how to read….how empty would your life be?  What would you dream about?  What would you imagine without stories to inspire you?  <shaking my head>  There are plenty of charities out there where you can donate books….you all have books in your house that you’re never gonna read again, so why not give them to someone who can’t afford it?  Why not? 

We’re back with Ryan and he’s introducing the Russian Idol.  <pause>  Oh, it’s Robin Williams….ok.  This is supposed to be funny, got it.  So “Bob” is explaining what Russia is like, and it’s kind of funny and then he sings this nonsense song which is super annoying….and then the judges get to “judge” him.  <sigh>  Ok….so Randy says there were a couple of pitch problems, Paula said she likes his shirt, and Simon said he thought it was fantastic.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then “Bob” gives the Cowell a hug and squeezes his butt.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That was actually the only funny thing about that whole schtick. 

Rob Schneider is begging for money, for himself and for the charity.  He explains that Bono only has enough to pay for half of Africa, and that we need to kick in the other half.  <smile>  Tyra Banks is asking us to be ‘fierce’ and donate as much as we can.  And David Spade is here to talk about New Orleans some more and to introduce…<gasp>….Brad Pitt!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  BRAD PITT!!!  Bradpittbradpittbradpittbradpittbradpitt…..<deep breath>….<ahem>…..ok.  I’m better now.  So Brad <squeal> Pitt is in New Orleans and he is building houses for everyone.  And he’s talking to the kids about what it means to go home.  What would you do if you lost everything?  What would you do?  I cannot even imagine….I don’t think I would care about the stuff.  You know, all the crap you have accumulated over the years – sofas and clothes and pictures.  But I would care about the memories, the photos, the irreplaceable stuff.  I can’t even imagine losing that.  And these kids are so strong, so defiant, so courageous.  I would be so happy to just go back home, they all say.  <smile>  The houses they are designing look pretty cool, by the way.  And now Brad Pitt <wildly waving my hands around> is on stage!!  The Pitt is in the house!!!  And his mic doesn’t work and so the stage manager comes out to wire him up and she says to us (because she conveniently has a mic on) that she just wanted to touch him.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah, me too.  And so he’s saying…..honestly I wasn’t paying attention….but then he introduces Daughtry, who is in Africa.  Oh, if I thought this couldn’t get any better….

The Daughtry band is in Africa, singing for and playing with the kids.  It’s like a music video to his song ‘What About Now’.  I have that CD by the way, in case anyone wants to borrow it….Lovely….and he’s still a looker.  Fame hasn’t made him fat or gross.  <smile>  He asks us to please give…well ok.  Just because you asked so nice and all. 

Last up for the night is the diva herself, Miss Mariah Carey.  With Randy Jackson on bass.  <smile>  We finally get living proof that Randy has worked with Mariah…well that’s good.  She’s singing ‘Fly Like A Bird’ and she looks great.  Thin Mariah.  And the song is soft and kind of boring and then she starts belting out some notes that 99.9999999% of the human race cannot duplicate.  That is just amazing….it should be screaming….but it’s not.  So beautiful.  She is truly talented.  Seacrest thanks everyone – the people who you help will never meet you.  The kiddies are singing us off to ‘Shout to the Lord’.  More Jesus.  And to be more accurate, the kiddies are singing with a huge chorus of gospel singers.  It’s actually quite pretty, but the Hubby is agitated because he knows he’s seconds away from it being over…and yes it did run over by like 10 minutes….but I outwitted the stupid DVR by taping it long.  HA!  Ben Stiller comes running out at the very end in the wrong theater…have we reached a gugillion?  And then he’s like, the Kodak theater?  Seacrest, you *&^%$%^.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, that was funny too.

A good thing it ended, because I am now officially out of Kleenex.  Listen people, as cheesy as some of it was, you have to admit that there is something you can do.  If you don’t have money, give your time, give what you don’t need or use, tell other people what you saw.

 

They’re kids, for crying out loud.  Just kids.  That’s really all they had to say.

 

Later gators,

Heather

p.s. – Vote off show is tomorrow.

Tonight is the final eight, our prelude to Idol Gives Back tomorrow.  The results show is on Thursday and Idol Gives Back starts at 7:30 Wednesday and goes until 10pm!!!  Holy cow, that’s a long show.  And I seriously doubt the Hubby is going to appreciate having to watch all that.  Oh well.  Ryan is in another spiffy black suit tonight with a blue shirt…very nice Ryan.  Randy and Simon are in black too and Paula has stuffed herself into a little glittery cocktail dress.  <shaking my head>  What does she think this is?  Seriously?  Tonight the kiddies are singing songs that inspire them.  Oh boy.  I can think of a lot of things that inspire twenty-somethings and all of them are fun to sing about.  <evil grin>

So first up tonight is the Thunder from Down Under.  Mr. Michael is singing Dream On by Aerosmith.  <pause>  Really?  Wow.  Steven Tyler has that freakishly large mouth…how can you possibly sing anything that was written for him.  Like me trying to play Chopin….just silly.  So he’s talking about it was his dream to come to the States and his dreams are coming true and blah blah blah.  We have a whole hour of this blubbery to look forward to, can’t wait.  The song sounds pretty good, I think this is his thing.  The high part of course didn’t really compare to Mr. Tyler, but then I already told you why that is impossible.  And wow, did it feel like he was singing for about 30 seconds, or what?  I guess they are crunched for time tonight…huh.  Randy thinks this is a very important week….as opposed to all those other weeks.  He thought it was pretty good, it had a few pitch problems, and then he felt it necessary to tell Mr. Michael that he is not Aerosmith.  Thanks Randy.  Paula of course disagreed whole-heartedly.  How can she breathe in that dress?  Unbelievable.  At least she can keep her chin warm.  She told him you sound as good as you look and then something about waking up her Chihuahuas with that last note.  I’m pretty sure she meant that as a compliment….but I don’t think I would have been complimented.  Simon said it was a good performance but he doesn’t like it when Thunder does impersonations.  He thinks he should be more bluesy and original.  Ok…but pretty good overall.

Syesha is singing next and she picked ‘I Believe’ by Fantasia.  Ok.  Listen….why does this girl insist, absolutely insist, on picking songs that have been sung by powerhouses.  Come on.  Fantasia can belt out a tune, and she is very distinctive…and they’re so gonna compare you to her.  It sounded off in the beginning and then it picks up a bit and then ending was….WHOOOOO….really high and loud.  Randy was of course comparing her to Fantasia (told ya so), he said it wasn’t as good, you didn’t connect.  Paula said you made it your own, one of your shining moments.  <sigh>  Simon said, technically you sang it well but it lacked emotion.  Ok….I guess that’s enough to get her through….she is cute after all.

Dreadilocks is singing next and let me tell you, I am on the edge of my seat to hear what actually inspires this kid.  I don’t think he answered that question, but he picked ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ by IZ.  I absolutely LOVE this version of the song.  And the guy was really cool (passed away in 1997).  And this isn’t nearly as good, not even close…the ukulele sounds all over the place.  Randy thought it was good, maybe because he hasn’t heard the original.  Oh for crying out loud.  Paula thought it was the perfect song.  Simon thought it was fantastic.  And he’s heard the original!!  Hmph. 

 

The Horse Whisperer is singing now.  Oh.  She’s still here?  She’s singing ‘Anyway’ by Martina McBride.  This is a pretty song…appropriate for her.  It’s country and that means more Jesus.  And listen to this…this is extremely inspiring….her goal is not be in the bottom three this week.  Way to shoot for the stars there, Horsey.  I am very disappointed to have to say that this was actually pretty good, even though this girl completely irritates me and agitates the Pumpkin.  Randy said other than a couple of pitch problems, it was pretty good.  Paula said you outdid yourself (not sure how much that is actually saying), excellent.  Simon said you showed us who you are as an artist, you look like a star tonight, smart choice of song.  It was good, not unbelievable.  Ok, ok, ok….so that probably means she’ll be here next week.  Damnit. 

Some guy is sitting on Simon’s lap after the break.  Apparently he is the Dark Lord of Fox…or whatever Simon said.  Hired them all.  Great…I have no idea what is going on…I don’t like it when they do these inner-circle things that the audience isn’t in on…it’s annoying.

So anyway, Captain Cook is singing next.  He is singing something called ‘Innocent’ by Our Lady Peace.  This is a really weird, disturbing song….I mean Cook’s “version” of it.  I put the original above so you could hear what it’s supposed to sound like.  Neat lyrics…but obviously too difficult to sing for Cookie.  He sounded terrible.  Randy says even though he’s a huge fan of Cookie, this was not one of his stronger weeks, he fell a little short.  Paula called him the whole package.  Simon called it pompous (snicker) and said he didn’t like Cookie’s white jacket.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Me either!!!  He said you have to be original, you have to pick the right song, and you have to be memorable.  Not good.  Uh oh….Cookie might be in trouble.

Irish Carly sings right after Cookie and she picked ‘The Show Must Go On’ by Queen.  Oh boy.  Thunder got away with this….but I’m not sure if she can pull it off.  And I can’t get that scene from Moulin Rouge out of my head….I like this song a lot, but she is kind of pitchy.  I don’t think she sounded that great, honestly.  Randy said it started off good, which I guess means it didn’t finish that way.  He said the high notes were off.  Paula didn’t feel the connection….probably because her head has gone numb because all the circulation has been cut off thanks to that dress.  Simon said you looked good, but you oversang it.  It came across as a very angry performance.  He thinks she might be in trouble.  Oh boy….I think he might be right.

Mickey Mouse is with us after the break.  He looks weird….kind of like a robot.  He is singing ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams.  Pretty song.  Even though this kid totally annoys me…I guess this sounds good.  He’s playing the piano.  Is he losing his voice?  Has it always sounded this weak?  I guess so, huh.  Randy liked it, especially the ending.  Paula said fantastic.  Simon said he had the best choice of song, apparently he loves this song too, he said it was a bit nasally and the ending was better than the beginning.  What is wrong with him?  Mickey, I mean.  He looks totally disturbing right now….like serial killer disturbing.  He’s not smiling and he’s doing his waxworks impression.  Creepy.  Even if you like him, you have to admit that he looked really uncomfortable last night…right.  Anyway, so he’s here next week, no doubt.

Snow White is closing the show tonight.  She annoys me too.  But I guess they all end up annoying me in the end….you know….cause I hate people so much.  She’s singing Carol King’s ‘You’ve Got A Friend in Me’.  That’s sweet.  And she’s sweet.  And everyone is sweet who likes her.  I want to beat my head into a brick wall.  Some other guy is playing the piano this week…Brookie is taking a break.  She’s got her 70’s outfit on and the hairstyle to match.  She sounds a little off to me….and I personally don’t like this song very much anyway….so……….thumbs down.  She of course thanks the audience after she gets done with her performance and now let’s hear what she has to say to the judges.  Maybe that’s why I don’t like her that much….she’s too chatty with everyone.  Just shut up, already!!  Randy said it was ok.  Paula likes the song, and she says Brookie is definitive.  <pause>  Of what, I have no idea.  Thanks Paula.  Simon said it was nice, like a pleasant walk in the park.  And just when we all thought it had more to say….he didn’t.  So he says, thank you.  HAHAHAHAHA…that was weirdly awkward in a funny way.

I can honestly say I have no idea who this week’s biggest loser is going to be.  The kiddies have turned me upside down.  I was not particularly inspired by tonight.  And I don’t think anyone really did an amazing performance.  So we’ll see….no disappointments this week, I think it could be anyone.

Later gators,

Heather

 

p.s. We’re Red this week in tribute to the amazing Washington Capitals getting into the playoffs.  First game against the Flyers is this Friday!!

 

 

Another week, another chance to crush some young kid’s dreams into oblivion.  The DVR seems to have started late this week….or the show started early….what the hell is going on?  The kiddies are already out on stage singing?!?!?!  So after I restart the show 8 times to make sure it really did screw up, I decide to actually listen to the song because I’m already irked anyway….this can’t possibly make it any worse.  Right?  They’re singing Nine to Five….and you know what?  This may be the first week, ever, that this group song hasn’t been a total disaster.  Congratulations kiddies for not making me fast forward through it.  I can’t believe I missed the beginning. This is really irritating.  So anyway, here is Ryan in yet another black suit.  This one looks nicer than the one from last night though…less shiny.  The votes are in!  And we all know how this works now, so let’s get to it.

 

The Thunder is up first…dim the lights and here we go.  Whenever Seacrest stalls, you know they’re safe.  And Thunder is, go sit on the couch.  Mickey Mouse is on the chop now.  Ryan asks if the song was emotional for him…and he says, uh yeah.  You know what, between this kid and Dreadilocks….we have an excellent case for teaching more public speaking in our education system.  So according to Ryan, America was moved by Mickey too, he is in the top eight (eighters).  Irish Carly is up next and Ryan goes, well, you are no stranger to the bottom three and she is the third person on the stage and the other two are safe….but then Ryan pulls a fast one and tells her to sit on the couch because she is safe.  You jackass Ryan. 

 

We’re back and it’s phone call time.  <shaking my head>  First question is for Syesha, what do you miss most about your home life?  Her friends and family.  What a boring answer….you gotta come up with something better than that Syesha.  I would say I miss the carny folk and my mushroom garden.  Then people would be talking about me for weeks.  Next question is for Captain Cook – if you could make a living with any other talent, what would it be and why?  And he says, get this, I need to be more organized.  I’m such a slob.  Listen, first of all, being organized isn’t a talent and second, you can’t make a living at not being a slob unless you have one of those shows on HGTV or Lifetime or whatever they are.  Does he ever listen to anything when he’s up there?  Cookie, you’re already safe, take a deep breath and say something that isn’t completely moronic.  I would like to make a living writing this blog for forty-five minutes every day….see?  That’s how easy that is….it’s a hypothetical question David.  <shaking my head>  Next question is for Randy, is there anyone you haven’t worked with?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now that’s funny.  You know because he’s always telling us everyone he has worked with.  So he says, you know I’d like to do a song with whoever wins American Idol.  <pause>  I hope you all understand now why I hate this segment.  Such canned answers.  Me personally, I would like to “work” with Daniel Craig on the next Bond film.  They didn’t ask you who you haven’t sang with!  I would like to be a Bond girl.  That would be awesome, especially considering Mr. Craig is so easy on the eyes.  <sigh>  Anyway, next question is for Thunder or Cookie, do you have a song in mind that you would like to sing for the tour?  Cookie naturally wasn’t listening to the question and so he tells Thunder to answer, and he says well we wanted to do a duet, maybe Islands in the Stream and Cookie goes, you’re singing Dolly’s part.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  See?  See how easy it is to be entertaining?  Last question is for Simon, and it is definitely by far and away the best question – Why do you feel it necessary to apologize after you give a negative review?  And Simon has this quirky smile on his face, and he goes, I like you!  You’re absolutely right, I will never say I’m sorry again.  Nice. 

 

And because they insist on making these vote-off shows an hour long, now we have our first performance of the night.  From the show The Next Great American Band, here are the Clark Brothers singing This Little Light of Mine.  This is more redneck rock, than country….but that’s not really what’s important right now….what I really need to tell you is holy &^%^$% these kids were good.  I LOVED that!!  What in the world were those instruments they were playing?  Ridiculously good.  Wish I’d watched that show…..

 

And here it is, our experiment in torture, this week’s Ford commercial.  To ‘It’s Tricky’, an homage to basketball month I guess.  The kiddies are playing, refereeing, and cheering…it’s really dumb but I can at least say this will probably not give me nightmares….

 

Back to the show and the chop.  Captain Cookie is up now.  Apparently he has high blood pressure and was taken to the hospital and he says, it’s no big deal, I’m fine.  Alright so don’t drag this out Ryan….you could give him an aneurysm.  He is safe, but then he already knew that.  Malibu creeps out on stage next and she is in the bottom three and she makes sure that she looks as sad as possible when Ryan gives her the news.  Well good.  That’s something.  Now it’s Horsey’s turn.  She comes out with a little label for her chair over on the bottom three side of the stage….wow, she’s awfully pessimistic isn’t she?  And then she says, I’d rather be in the bottom three than not here at all.  <pause>  Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  We know you suck, you know you suck….there’s only so much votefortheworst.com can do for you honey, especially when you not singing about America.  Horsey is in the bottom three.  <smile>

 

Now we get a little video tour of Nashville, sticking with the country theme and American Idol tracked down some ex-Idolers in and around that area so we can catch up and find out how the show has made their lives great and extraordinary.  Bucky Covington apparently lives in Nashville now, and that should surprise no one.  He is country if ever a man was country.  He was from Season 5 and I referred to him as Bullwinkle (twin brother named Rocky, totally not kidding).  He seems to be doing pretty well, maybe not living the high life but he’s got albums out so that’s something.  And here is Phil Stacey or Stacy, I don’t know how to spell his name.  He’s from Season 6 and I referred to him as Moby because he’s bald.  He was notorious for using his baby to manipulate votes out of people <evil grin> which I totally respected him for.  He looks genuinely happy…and seems to be touring a lot so good for him.  And the last reunion we get is with Bogart (Bo Bice) from Season 4.  He, I would guess, has been the most successful of them all because he is actually a really talented singer.  They didn’t really talk too much about what he’s been up to, but he’s released two albums, been on about a thousand television shows.  CMT aired a special about him, kind of a day in the life of, following him around for like a year or something.  Best quote from the special – “You can put a penguin in a mink coat, but it’s still a <bleepin> penguin.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  He has a son, who appears to be the highlight of his life and he has had about a million surgeries to correct some kind of intestinal problem.  I always liked him, glad to see he’s doing well.

 

Back to our show and Syesha is on the chop now.  She is safe, oh good.  So we’re down to Dreadilocks and Snow White.  Brookie tells Simon that he should apologize to the violin player that he insulted last night (smile) and he DOES!!  He says sorry to Brookie, to Carly, to the audience, to Paula and just keeps saying it.  <chuckle>  Awwwww….you know he doesn’t mean any of that.  So anyway, Dreads is safe and Brookie in the bottom three but here’s the weird thing about this show….she doesn’t get to sit in the Loser Stools……and as I think about it……..nobody ever sits in the third Loser Stool.  So why’s it there?  That’s annoying.  Simon thinks America got it absolutely right.  Wow Malibu is really tiny….isn’t she.  She’s like three feet tall.  And here’s another Idol Gives Back promo, which is next Wednesday in case you don’t have it marked on your calendars….like I do.

 

We’re back from the break and now it’s time for the next live performance tonight – Miss Dolly Parton singing ‘Jesus and Gravity’….wow there’s a lot of Jesus in this show this week.  I mean I know it’s country and all and I’m not a devil worshipper or anything…..but whatever happened to separation of church and American Idol?  What happened to that amendment?  I think I’m gonna write my congressman.  So anyway, Dolly looks great.  It’s a really weird song though.  And she kind of sounds off…her voice is quavering….but she is in her 60’s for crying out loud.  So she chats it up with Ryan after the performance and assures Simon he can still come to Dollyworld, which is cute. 

 

So who do the judges think are going home tonight?  Randy thinks it’s Malibu.  Simon says it’s not Brookie….and poor Brookie is crying her little eyes out.  Apparently the vote and Idol Gives Back and then Dolly singing were all too much for our little angel.  She’s looooooooooooooooooosing it!!  But she’s safe, so go cry on the couch Brookie.  And pull yourself together.  So Ryan tries to get to the point as quickly as possible – Horsey is safe….yet again, and Malibu is going home.  <shaking my head>  I think Horsey may be setting a record for being in the Bottom Two and not going home.  Now Malibu Barbie is crying her little eyes…..hang on…..are they really gonna make her sing?!?!?  She’s a mess!?!?!?  Seacrest says thanks to everyone, and then screams at Malibu NOW SING DAMN YOU SING!!!  <evil grin>  Poor thing…and as much as I just assumed that she would sound dreadful…..she actually sounded amazing.  All that emotion in her voice, and the huskiness from being choked up….made the song beautiful.  Babye Malubay….at least you get to go see your pal Danny now.  OOOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s the top nine people.  Seacrest will probably be calling them niners….right?  And here is Ryan, our lovable host, in his shiny slick black suit.  He’s talking about how the show has been preempted by some celebrity edition of Moment of Truth.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  I’ve been hearing April Fool’s jokes all day, you can’t trick me Ryan.  And here are our lovable judges – Randy in his grey v-neck sweater, Paula in her flowerdy dress and Simon in the stalwart black.  Very nice.  Dolly Parton is the ‘mentor’ this week.  Being a mentor seems to mean that all the kiddies have to sing your songs, to you first, and then you get to say nice things about them and celebrate how wonderful you are at what you do.  Dolly Parton is obviously a country icon, she’s been around forever, and because I was curious I found out that she’s 62.  That’s unbelievable.  I know she’s not quite the way God made her anymore….but come on.  Even you cynical self-righteous people have to admit that she looks fantastic.  So anyway, we only have an hour tonight.  The Caps are playing….but you already knew that….and it’s a very important game against Carolina.  So let’s get to it.

 

First up is Snow White (coincidentally, her Caps hockey counterpart Brooks Laich which is pronounced Like, scored tonight in the first period).  She is singing ‘Jolene’ and she’s playing her guitar.  I have a feeling we’re going to see a lot of guitar playing tonight.  There’s an honesty about Brooky that Dolly likes.  How nice.  She is just as sugar sweet as Paula, isn’t she?  So the whole set up on stage is kind of cool, with the little band trio out there with Brooky, the audience is clapping, and it’s a cool song.  I think she sounded really good.  Randy said it was a little pitchy, she rushed the music in parts, it was alright.  Paula said you’re consistent (which if you suck isn’t necessarily a good thing) and you are who you are.  <shaking my head>  Simon thought it was lacking emotion, and everything looked odd together and then he insulted the violin player.  He was trying to say it wasn’t one of her best performances….but everyone was talking over him.  Oh goodie….chaos already.  Ryan speed talks through the numbers, tosses Brooky off the stage and we’re off to commercial.

 

Captain Cook is second to sing tonight.  He talks about all his ‘versions’ of the songs he sings and gives proper credit….again….to all the bands he copied.  I think the lawyers are making him do this.  Very interesting.  He is singing ‘Little Sparrow’, to his own arrangement.  Huh.  So you can copy people very successfully, let’s see if you can do something creative on your own.  Dolly thought he was secure in himself, which is a nice way of saying he’s smug.  And she thought his voice was beautiful.  He’s playing the guitar too.  And it’s really pretty, he took every little bit of country out of that song.  But I liked it.  Randy likes his range, said it was a cool arrangement and thinks he’s hot.  Paula likes his haircut <come ON> and she’s never heard a guy sing that song before.  Nice.  Nice constructive criticism Paula.  Simon thinks it was not as good as last week, but you made a song about sparrows interesting.  Congratulations.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Very good point, I think.

 

Mini-Julie is singing third and Dolly immediately connects with because she’s one of the Little People too.  All of you out there who are not vertically challenged may not know this, but we little folk stick together.  It’s an unwritten, unspoken rule.  Anyway, she’s completely star-struck with Dolly and acting like an idiot.  I didn’t catch the name of the song she’s singing….but she’s bopping right along to it.  Kind of boring, she’s a little off, but she really shouldn’t be here anyway.  Randy said he wasn’t jumping up and down, but he wasn’t mad either.  Ok.  He gives it a 6.5 out of 10.  Paula says she’s proud.  Oh whatever.  Simon says we’re not gonna remember this in 10 years, are we?  More like ten minutes, Simon.  Everybody starts getting rowdy again, and he goes, look you sang it quite well, it was just forgettable.  Ryan says ieuhrfiehiurehihkjnkfn.knknk which was the phone number and disclaimers flying out of his mouth at lightening speed and then he throws Mini right into the audience to get the show moving along.

 

Dreadilocks is singing now and apparently he gets a lot of fan mail.  I don’t think this should surprise anyone with the baby blues this kid has, but Ryan read out loud some postcards from Colorado.  We really don’t have time for this Ryan.   He’s singing ‘Travelin’ Through’ and he’s playing the guitar too.  Why is everything green?  I’m not kidding, the entire stage is awash in this eerie green light.  He kind of reminds me of those kids in Hanson….you remember that band?  Anyway, it was a really nice song, really pretty.  Randy said by the middle it was pretty good.  Paula said it was one of your strongest performances (doesn’t she say that every week?).  Simon didn’t like it, he said it didn’t suit you, you didn’t sing it well….and then he mentioned something about losing his season passes to Dollyworld.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh Simon.  You joker. 

 

Irish Carly is singing for us now and Dolly thinks she ‘killed’ the song….but in a good way, probably not the way it sounds reading this.  She is singing ‘Here You Come Again’.  Is there an echo in the auditorium tonight?  I’ve been hearing it….thinking it was me, but then the Hubby mentioned it too.  You can really hear it with Carly because she is belting this song out at the top of her lungs.  She doesn’t even need that mic, this is so loud.  She has a good voice, but you know...I didn’t like this.  Randy said that will probably be one of the better performances of the night.  Paula said that was glorious and you’re beautiful.  Simon said it was ok, but you need to look more like a star.  Have a chat with the people who are dressing you.  Ouch.  I hope she’s not dressing herself.  Paula gets in a real huff over this and Ryan takes it upon himself to ask Simon what his problem is, ‘So you’re giving fashion advice?’  Simon tries to explain that he is simply commenting on what the audience is probably thinking.  Wow….I didn’t even notice what she was wearing….but whatever  And then he said it was not a 'blow you out of your seat' performance.  He really does look genuinely irritated now though.

 

The Caps are up 3 to 1 against Carolina, it’s the third period.  We really need to beat them, if we beat them we’re tied for first in the Southeast division.  A lot of penalties in this game too….jeez.  So singing for us now is Mickey Mouse.  He picked ‘Smoky Mountain Memories’ and Dolly was very moved by his emotion.  The breathy voice and dorkiness have entirely lost their charm for me though.  This kid is really starting to get annoying.  Dolly loved his voice, yeah so do we.  There’s that echo again….what is going on here?  Pretty song.  Lots of Jesus.  It sounded a little off to me.  I didn’t like it too much….but maybe I just don’t like him anymore….who knows.  Randy thinks he’s back though.  Whatever.  Paula tells him he has a beautiful aura.  Oh nice.  Simon said, I know I questioned your song choice last week, but that was right on the money.  Daddy dearest must have threatened him or something.  Seacrest speed talks through the numbers tells us to wait to download Ford, drink iTunes, put Coke into our cars, and drive Exxon Mobil gas to work, pushes Mickey into the screaming fans and we’re moving on.

 

The Horse Whisperer is up now and I have a feeling she is going to be really good this week.  Country is this girl’s thing.  No question.  She picked ‘The Coat of Many Colors’.  Dolly said she made it her own and her mom is gonna be proud.  I’m not sure if that was a ringing endorsement or not….but she made it sound nice.  The music is fast again….almost too fast.  She has a weird dress on, she's barefoot and she’s sitting.  For a fast song.  This is weird.  I’m totally distracted by all this stuff and am not really listening to her sing…..but I don’t think it was that good.  She should have picked another song about America.  Man….I thought she would be great.  I really did.  Randy says country is your wheelhouse.  Paula said you’re beautiful.  Simon says it was pleasant but forgettable.  And while Seacrest is blubbering through the numbers, Horsey gives Simon a nice big sarcastic Love you!  Very cute, show some spunk.  That might be enough to edge yourself over Ramielle this week.

 

Vanna White is in the audience.  We stopped watching Wheel of Fortune a while ago because the Hubby is ridiculously great at that game.  There would be like one letter on the board and he would blurt out the answer.  I never had a chance….and I’m way too competitive to allow myself to lose consistently.  So we don’t watch it anymore.  Period.

 

Syesha is singing next and she picked ‘I Will Always Love You’.  She is already emotional about the song in her pre-song blurb.  I didn’t know Dolly wrote this song…..because we all know it as a Whitney song.  Nice piano playing along with the song…..but honestly…..we’ve already heard the perfect version.  We really have.  How do you do better than perfect?  That’s right, gentle reader, you don’t.  She does have some lungs, and it was very pretty….but I don’t know.  Randy said it was pretty good, but feels like I do about the whole Whitney thing.  Paula says you look pretty, you have a velvety voice and you connect with the audience.  Simon said it was a good version, but it paled in comparison.  He’s not sure that did her any favors….and I tend to agree.  Ryan is running out on stage and pulling Syesha off as he screams out her numbers and tells us not to vote before the end of the show.

 

Last for tonight is the Thunder.  He seems to be getting better lately, so this is a good sign that they put him in the last spot.  He’s nervous in front of Dolly, which is kind of cute….he’s a genuine fan.  Dolly likes his voice and says I could write some good songs for him.  <smile>  That’s sweet.  He’s singing ‘It’s All Right’ or something like that and he’s got this bluesy slant on it that’s really nice.  He just keeps getting better and better and the end was completely awesome.  Randy said it was blazin hot.  Paula said he’s a blues, soul star and you look gorgeous.  Simon said this is the best I have heard you sound.  Nice.  Good for him….I was waiting for this.

 

So this week’s biggest loser award goes to Ramielle with Kristy Lee following in a close second.  If Malibu doesn’t go home this week….I will be stunned.  They show was running late as it was, so I don’t even know if Ryan said anything at the end.  The Caps won, with Alex (the Eight) Ovechkin getting his 63rd goal of the season, a great goal by the way, in the third period.  We have two more games to play that we have to win. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

p.s. '49er' derives from 1849, the year of the California Gold Rush and is a term that describes the gold prospesctors. 

It’s go time, people.  Time for the vote-off.  Time to crush someone’s dreams forever.  <evil grin>  I know I’ll go to hell for enjoying this so much…..but we’ll worry about that later.  Here’s Seacrest in his slick Reservoir Dogs black suit.  The DVR seemed to start late today, so I don’t know if he even said hello to our judges in the beginning.  He did talk about the song-writing competition.  Again.  I don’t think they should let Joe Public write a song for the finale…..those songs always suck.  Won’t don’t they have a professional write something….you know, something catchy.  So here are the top tenners, and they’re singing, something awful.  This is a preview of the summer Tour people.  I hope they get better before the end of the show.  Now we’re talking about iTunes and how that all works.  Apparently, the kiddies get to record full-length versions of their songs for iTunes…which is kind of cool if you liked the song in the first place.

 

But now let’s get down to business.  Ryan is bringing the kiddies out on stage one at a time, like he did last week.  You’re safe, you sit on the couch.  You’re in the bottom three, you sit on the uncomfortable stools.  Jacuzzi comes out first…..and…..what’s this?  He’s in the bottom three?  Well…I guess I’m not that surprised.  We are getting to the point where everybody in the bottom three won’t all be total losers.  And he knew he was going to be in the bottom…so I guess that makes it better.  Snow White comes out next, chats up Ryan, and finds out that she is safe.  Irish Carly comes out and informs us all that is not in fact pregnant, despite newscasts to the contrary.  She also informs us all that she was out of sorts the night before because she was stuffed and tucked into her outfit, to “make herself look thinner”.  <sigh>  Ladies, ladies.  I would love to be able to say that you should all be content to be happy in your own skin and beautiful people are confident people and all that nonsense.  But you’d know I was full of s**t if I said that, right?  Thin people rule the world.  Either because they don’t drop dead after walking up two flights of stairs, or because they have more time in the day to hatch their evil mastermind plans because they don’t eat or sleep.  Whatever the reason, they rule the world.  I have my own diet plan that I will share with you all at some other time, but for now, let’s get back to the show.  The Irish lassie is safe….but we all knew that too. 

 

This week’s exercise in the macabre, otherwise known as the Ford commercial, is set to ‘I Want You to Want Me’….which is oddly appropriate.  The kiddies have come to life on t-shirts and CD’s and posters…..and even though they’re trying really hard not to give me nightmares, it still gives me the eebie geebies, like they’re trapped in 2-D or something. 

 

Anyway, back to the chop.  Mickey Mouse is on the block and after he assures us all that Daddy dearest didn’t pick out his song, he gets to sit on the Safe Couch.  He’s starting to annoy me with the goofiness….like he has no personality.  Captain Cook comes out next and looks more smug than ever.  Apparently, Chris Cornell called and liked his cover of Cornell’s rendition of the Billie Jean song.  So he’s safe too.  Syesha comes out…..and….she’s in the bottom three!!!!  Are you kidding me?  She was awesome last night?  What is going on with you America?  She’s prettier and more talented than Horsey…this is ridiculous.  The Thunder comes out and admits that he’s glad to have gotten through the song last night because it was a big one, and he’s safe.  But we knew that.

 

Seacrest mentions that next week is Dolly Parton week.  Oh goody, that means country.  Which I like.  This is by far and away the Hubby’s least favorite week though….not a fan of the country music….at all.  But Dolly’s fun, don’t worry, you’ll like her.  Ewwwwwwwwwwww, ex idoler Constantino is in the audience with some other ex-idoler and he is STILL making oogey faces into the camera.  All I can think of is him falling flat on his face during the red carpet interview forever ago when his fifteen minutes were still running.  You dropped in the negative numbers on the cool scale from that Con Man.

 

Now it’s time for the Phone Call portion of the show and I won’t talk anymore about how stupid this is….question one – is Chikezie single?  Heehee.  Yes he is.  Question two – why did David sing the song he did?  He loved it, he loves the song, and daddy will beat me if I say anything else.  Question three – to Simon, how do I get Ryan’s job?  You don’t need to be talented in any way.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Question four – to Brooke, who would you sing a duet with?  John Mayer.  Nice.  Question five – for Simon, are you the most attractive person on the show, and why?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon is like, look, it’s not what I say, it’s what other people say.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  One more thing….I can’t help myself….I know I just said like three sentences ago that I wouldn’t complain about this anymore….but it’s a huge pet peeve….no heavy breathing into the phone please.  That’s so annoying and gross.  Take the phone away from your mouth if you’re having breathing problems.  We don’t need to hear it.  Ok?

 

Now it’s time for our guest performer of the week – Miss Kimberly Locke.  If you don’t remember, or are new to the show, Kimberly was on in Season Two.  This was pre-blog days so I don’t have a nickname for her.  She was in the final three with Clay Aiken (the sexless wonder) and Ruben Studdard (the cuddly teddy bear).  She came in third.  She released an album later that summer…which I don’t recall, so I guess it didn’t do that well.  And then she decided to open a restaurant, which is kind of cool.  And now she’s released another album.  Oh and she’s lost about forty pounds.  What was I saying before about thin people?  She looks fantastic.  Her song is called ‘Fall’, and it’s really pretty.

 

Now we’re talking about Idol Gives Back again and all the help people in the States got from the money that was donated.  They served 120 million meals to people, three more mobile medical units were put into operation, they helped kids learn how to read and provided emergency relief to various disaster sites.  <sigh>  Adorable kids.  Adorable and sad….kids’ll get you every time.  Idol Gives Back is on April 9^th.

 

Back to the vote off and now it’s mini-Julie’s turn to sweat it out.  But she is safe.  <sigh>  I think I’m losing my touch with this stuff….So it’s down to Dreadilocks and Horsey and I have no idea which way is up anymore.  Horsey is safe.  Her tactic of guilting us all into voting for America by not voting for her was brilliant and successful.  So the bottom three are Jacuzzi, Syesha and Dreads.  This is weird to me….because I thought a lot of people would go before any of them, like Ramielle.  And KRISTI (stupid votefortheworst.com).  So anyway after Dreads rambles on and on about how he had this feeling and he’s been nervous and blah blah blah….he is safe and sent back to the Couch.  Syesha and Chikezie.  Wow…..I don’t like this at all.  Simon tells Jacuzzi he needs to be a better performer.  And everyone, except Simon seems flummoxed by why Syesha is in the bottom two.  But we can’t all be winners, can we?  If you don’t believe me, take a look at my NCAA tournament bracket….<sigh>.  Jacuzzi is going home, Syesha is safe.  You got it wrong again, America.  I mean…..come ON.  Ramielle?  Kristi?  COME ON!

 

Say thank you to the judges, to the band and to us for watching.  And thanks to Exxon Mobile for the gobs of money you’re giving us.  Say goodnight Ryan.  Goodnight Ryan.

 

Later gators,

Heather

The top tenners are singing tonight.  And the Caps are playing for the playoffs.  The Caps always seem to be playing when American Idol is on.  Alex Ovechkin can set a new single season Caps record for goals tonight if he gets one.  We also really need to beat Carolina.  But anyway….enough with hockey for now.  It’s time…..for American Idol.  <grin>  Ryan is so dramatic, in his brown and tan suit tonight and his spikey hair.  The top tenners have made it to the illustrious tour positions.  That’s exciting, I guess.  The crowd is acting a little nutty tonight….too much caffeine, I think.  Say hello to Ricky and the Band.  And say hello to our judges – Randy in a slick black bowling shirt, Paula looking weirdly out of place in her glitter dress and black elbow length gloves, and Simon in his ‘sexy’ grey v-neck.  And here are the kiddies, looking fun and relaxed.  And then Ryan tells us what tonight is.  Tonight is the night I dread every season.  Tonight…………..the songs they will sing……………….are from the Year They Were Born.  <long pause>……….<even longer pause>………why does American Idol do this to me?  Just slap me in the face and tell me how ancient I am, and get it over quick.  That would be better than listening to how many of these whippersnappers were born in the………….80’s………..or, oh dear Jesus, the NINETIES!!!!  I want to cry already, but lucky for you people, I pulled myself together, took a deep breath and waited to hear what year of high school I was in when these kids were born.

 

So first up tonight is mini-Julie.  And she was born in…..1987.  <shudder>  She was born in Saudi Arabia and she used to bite people.  Well.  That’s very interesting Ramielle.  Thanks for sharing that with us.  So she’s singing Heart’s ‘Alone’.  I love this song…..but then I would because I can actually remember hearing this on the radio.  She’s got a cute little 80’s outfit on…..retro….<sigh>.  You know, she really does have a great voice….but this is a little pitchy….and a little screamy.  Randy mentions that she’s a little sick, and he’s a little sick.  And apparently being sick has made him meaner because he totally slams the performance.  Paula says she’s glad America has gotten the chance to hear Ramielle.  I have no idea what she was trying to say….Paula is apparently in one of her stuttering pluttering moods tonight.  Simon says he didn’t think it was as bad as Randy thought it was….which gets a huge uproar from the crowd.  He called it shrieky and shouty, but if last week’s performance got you through, you’ll definitely make it through this week.  Which sounded more like a criticism of America’s retarded voting efforts than praise of Ms. Malubay. 

 

Singing next is Dreadilocks.  He was born in 1987 too and tonight is his birthday.  So he’s like what, twelve?  Ok ok ok…..I am totally overreacting about my age.  I am still very young.  Age is a state of mind.  Blah blah blah.  I feel like complaining, so I’m going to complain.  Anyway, Dreads is singing ‘Fragile’ by Sting.  Hmmmm….Sting is very difficult to sing (hey, I’m rhyming….hahahahahahahahaha), he has such a unique voice.  So here he is again with the guitar and the same look and his pretty voice and it’s all a little boring.  I guess because it’s the same thing we’ve seen every single week.  Randy loved the song, said it wasn’t different, but nice.  Paula said basically the same thing….I am not going to attempt to transcribe the blubbery that was coming out of her mouth.  Simon thinks Dreads has had two bad weeks, he needs to take this more seriously, he said it was like someone outside a subway station singing for change.  I think that was supposed to be a wake-up call….but Dreads strikes me as the kind of person who doesn’t take anything very seriously…..I’m not sure he can muster up enough animated energy to even act like he cares.  That’s ok, the girls still love those eyes.

 

Syesha is singing now and she was born in 1987….too.  <sigh>  She was born on January 2^nd, the same day as the Hubby (not the same year, evil smirk) which makes her a Capricorn.  Apparently she was a crybaby when she was a baby and then she does that creepy baby crying sound again.  That is really disturbing to me.  She is singing ‘If I Were Your Woman’.  This is beautiful.  I mean this is really, really beautiful.  This may be the best she has sounded.  Randy thinks so and calls it unbelievable, he’s shocked.  Paula said this was the moment for you, fantastic.  Simon said this was the best so far….and then just to keep her head on straight, he says the end wasn’t as good as everyone thinks.  Ok.  Thanks Simon.  Thanks for bringing us all back down to Earth with a crashing thump.  He’s such a killjoy. 

 

Next up is Chikezie and he was born in 1985.  At least we’re moving in the right direction.  He talks about growing up with Nigerian parents in America…remember everyone mispronounces his name….remember?  Even after he told us all how to say it…..we insist on saying it wrong.  How American is that?  <smile>  So anyway, he’s singing ‘If Only For One Night’.  This is nice.  He has a great voice.  What’s up with the weird light blobs on stage….did anyone else notice that?  They were like little blobs of orange light floating around in the background….huh…..very distracting.  At least to old farts like me.  So Jacuzzi sounds better when he’s belting out the song at the top of his lungs.  Randy thought it sounded old-fashioned.  Um Randy….blow it out your butt.  There is NOTHING from the 80’s that sounds old……………right?  <whine>  He calls it boring.  Paula called him a throwback, but great.  Simon said you sang it well, but it was cheesy.  And the producers start to play the send off music over him and he starts yelling to shut it!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Simon always gets what he wants.  So he sends us off by telling Jacuzzi to show some more originality. 

 

Snow White is singing now and she was born in 1983.  Ok.  Ok.  She’s singing the Police ‘Every Breath You Take’.  I love this song.  But you already knew that, didn’t you?  Oh my, she messed up and started over!!!  That may be a first.  She’s singing and playing at the piano…..barefoot……….again.  She’s got a great voice.  Very pretty.  Randy calls the song an interesting choice, he didn’t like the end, it was just ok.  Paula says it was better than last week, this is your niche.  Simon agreed she should have played the whole song without the band and not let them come in in the middle.  He said the first half was fantastic, better than last week, enough to stay around.

 

Seacrest is telling us we can design a Coke cup.  Is there absolutely nothing American Idol will not try to sell me?  I mean seriously. 

 

 

 

I voted for design one.

 

 

 

Michael Johns is singing next and he was born in 1978.  I knew I liked him.  At least we’re in the right decade now.  He’s a Libra, which apparently means he’s well balanced.  And competitive.  He’s singing Queen – We Will Rock You and Champions.  Hmmm….he sang some Freddie Mercury before….so this might work.  And it’s totally kick ass awesome.  It really is.  I like that…for the first time in a long time….I liked what he sang!!  The audience is going crazy.  Randy said finally, the best performance on the entire show for you.  Paula said it was the right song, your shining moment.  And Simon said it was the first time he saw star potential…..and then he called it the only memorable performance of the night.  Wow.  The Thunder from Down Under really needed that.  I hope that keeps him in…..

 

Irish Carly is up next and she was born in 1983.  She was named after Carly Simon.  <pause>  It’s a good thing Kajagoogoo wasn’t playing on the radio….huh?  So she’s singing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ by Bonnie Tyler.  And she’s singing it exactly how it always sounds.  She has a really great voice….the Hubby cringed on the last note, but I didn’t hear it go off key.  Randy liked it, he didn’t love it, he called it just ok.  Paula said, what’s wrong with you Randy?  And then she said something else and I just don’t have the energy for her anymore.  Simon said something just wasn’t quite working, you were too tense, you need to lighten up and he said the last note was off too.  And then Carly said something about going to the bathroom before she sang when Ryan asked her if she felt like she needed to lighten up…..which I assume was supposed to be a joke about taking a crap to lighten up.  Hmmmmm….toilet humor.  First of all, I’m not sure anyone got it, including Seacrest.  Second, I think she regretted saying it as soon as it came out of her mouth.  Third, what does she think this is?  A bar?  A tattoo parlor?  Oh wait………..nevermind.  <smile>

 

Mickey Mouse is singing now and I almost don’t even want to hear this.  1990.  He was born in 1990.  Nineteen NINETY!!!  That’s when he was born.  And then he says….”when I was a little kid….”  Are you kidding me?  Are you seriously trying to tell me you’re not a little kid?  Come on….I know you all think I’m overreacting about the whole age thing and all….but even you old fogeys have to admit that is pretty friggin ridiculous.  I have no idea what he’s singing….I could never understand what Ryan was saying.  This song doesn’t even sound familiar….the Hubby thinks he’s heard it.  It’s ok, he’s kind of all over the place….but maybe it just sounds that way because I don’t know the song.  Randy said it was a strange song choice, but he loved it.  ???? ok.  Paula said you could sing the phone book and we would love it.  Simon said it was like a theme park performance, like you should have been singing with animated creatures, a ghastly song.  And then he said, I’d be amazed if you picked that song yourself.  Huh.  Very interesting comment, especially considering we recently saw on TMZ that little David has one of those horrific stage dads.  Very very interesting. 

 

Horsey is up next.  She was born in 1984.  I feel sorry for anyone born in this year because all I can think of is Big Brother.  And no….I don’t mean the reality show.  And listen to what lovely Kristy had to say – she remembers being two.  Yeah.  Because it was like fifteen minutes ago you TODDLER!!  Ahem.  So anyway, she is singing ‘God Bless America’ by Lee Greenwood and immediately the Hubby goes “She’s cheating.”  I agree.  Who can vote against such a great song….because that’s what you’d be doing you know.  You would be anti-America, unpatriotic, communist traitor if you voted for her now.  I hope none of you did.  She doesn’t really have the lung capacity for this song….because she’s not that great a singer…..but still.  If you love America, you have to not vote her out.  Randy said it’s a very nice song, you were a little pitchy.  Paula said nice song choice.  And Simon said your best performance by a mile, and one of the most clever song choices I’ve ever heard.  That’s right….she’s very tricky this one.

 

Last up for the night is Captain Cook.  He was born in 1982.  <sigh>  He’s singing someone else’s version of Billie Jean.  I like the MJ version…and I didn’t catch what band sang it this way.  For some reason I just can’t hear Ryan tonight…..must be getting old.  I’ll be that person in the room who has to crank up the volume to a really uncomfortable level….the one who’s always yelling WHAT in your face.  Yep.  That’ll be me.  So anyway, this is a really nice song.  I like this.  A lot.  I mean, a lot a lot.  Randy called him the most original, the most bold, blazin molten hot.  Paula tells us she can’t sit down, probably because she has to pee, and she tells Cook she’s thinks he’s brilliant.  Simon said that was very brave, it could have been insane or amazing, and that was amazing.  I agree, by far and away my favorite of the night.  I like him, even if he is smug.

 

Seacrest thanks the judges and the band, tells us Kimberly Locke is singing for us tomorrow.  And we’re done.  The Caps won, but they won in overtime and if you don’t know how hockey is scored….then I’m not gonna take the time to explain it.  Ovechkin got his 61^st goal of the season, setting the record for the Caps.  We still may make the playoffs….maybe.  Also, congrats to the lady Terps for their win and advancement to the sweet 16. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s time people, time to find out who made it to the top ten.  Here’s Ryan in yet another spiffy suit.  I guess because they’re on the big stage now, he has to dress up every night, huh?  All of our judges are wearing black tonight, their evening attire.  <smile>  Seacrest is telling us who some of the ‘mentors’ are going to be this season and I assume when he says mentor, he means these are the songs we’re going to be forcing the kiddies to choose from this season – Dolly Parton, Mariah Carey, Neil Diamond and Andrew Lloyd Webber.  Wow….that’s a pretty crazy selection of music.  Then Ryan tells us about the songwriter competition, and whoever wins gets their song sung at the finals….which feels like another way for the show to get away with doing less work….doesn’t it?  Kind of lazy, actually.  So anyway, here are all the kiddies dressed up and looking sick to their stomachs.  They’re singing in the Group Song Debacle of the Week.  Why do they sound so terrible….is no one teaching them how to harmonize together?  Do they just not have time for that?  I mean, I know this is supposed to be practice for The Tour and all that….but come on…..it’s atrocious.  <smile>

 

Back from the first of what I can absolutely feel is going to be 12 million commercials tonight and we’re recapping last night, which you people shouldn’t need if you read this blog….so let’s get to it.  Seacrest calls the kiddies out onto the stage one at a time.  If you’re safe, you get to sit on the plush comfortable couches on stage left and if you’re not safe, you have to sit on the uncomfortable Jetsons stools on stage right.  So Snow White comes out first and after chit chatting with Ryan about how she knew she didn’t do that good, etc etc etc, Ryan says, well relax you’re safe.  And then he tells her where on the couch to sit.  Wow…he really dragged that one out.  Seems so cruel to make them squirm like that, doesn’t it?  Irish Carly is next and I shouldn’t even have to say it – but…..hold on…..did he just say……BOTTOM 3?!?!?!?  Am I in the twilight zone?  What the hell is going on here?  Mickey Mouse comes out next and yeah he’s safe, whatever…I’m still reeling over Carly.  Thunder comes out next and HE'S safe and now I know I am in the twilight zone because how can that possibly be the case?

 

Commercial #981.  Back to see the creepy Ford commercial and just to make it weirder they show us the kiddies shooting the ad…..happy happy joy joy.  It’s supposed to be them making a movie, 50’s style to the immortal Clash song ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’…<shaking my head>  I know this will always be a part of the show….but seriously….it’s creepy.  Kind of Ed Wood horror….right?  Anyway back to the vote off.

 

Captain Cool is in the top ten.  Top tenner, as Ryan keeps calling it.  Horsey….had better be….and she is – in the bottom 3.  Dreadilocks is in the top ten, no surprise.  And Ramielle?  With the sweaty hands?  She’s in the top ten too. 

 

After Commerical #5,277 we get to hear some of the viewer calls.  This is such a lame idea.  This is why I don’t listen to talk radio.  Viewers/listeners are always so retarded.  Anyway, the first question is for Simon – why do you spend so much money on cars and nothing on clothes?  <chuckle>  Ok, I admit it, that was pretty funny.  Simon says, how rude!  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  She’s implying I look like crap!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then he says, well unlike some people on this show, I don’t have an ego.  Which is HI-larious in its absurdity and to which Ryan responds, you’re insulting Paula.  And then Simon says, I wasn’t talking about Paula.  And Ryan looks annoyed.  Oh….they play it so cool don’t they?  The next question is about The Kiss between Paula and Simon and they want to know if Simon would film a sequel….and he’s like….hell YES!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And then he looks at Paula and goes, you’re a good kisser.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  She may have blushed, I don’t know.  The next two questions are for the kiddies and they’re waaaaaaaaaaaaay stupider.  Someone wants to know what Ramielle downloaded onto her iPod and someone wants to know if this whole experience is everything Michael thought it would be….<sigh>…..WHO CARES!!!  Talk to Simon more, that was fun.

 

Now we’re back and this is by far and away the highlight of the night.  It’s time for The Pickle – Miss Kellie Pickler to sing.  She was a contestant from Season 5, for those of you who don’t know.  And she’s hysterical.  She had so many quotable one-liners and ridiculous comments during and after the show.  I just loved her.  Anyway, she’s country, very country and she’s singing ‘Red High Heels’ for us tonight.  She looks absolutely amazing by the way.  She’s tiny without looking skinny, the Hubby swears she has new boobs (he keeps track of things like that), and she’s wearing a really pretty red dress.  The song is kind of silly, but a lot of country songs are – she sells it though.  She’s got confidence and poise on stage and her voice sounds great.  She sings right to Simon after terrifying me with the walk down the steps in those ridiculously high heels.  Simon is totally mesmerized by her.  When she gets to Randy, he’s practically looking her up and down.  It was a great performance, but then Ryan didn’t let her talk afterwards, it was right back to commercial.  ARGH!!  That’s one of the best parts about her…let her say something completely dumb!!  Come ON!! 

 

We’re back after Commercial #14,367 and Ryan is talking about Idol Gives Back and where did all the money go that we donated last year?  So Eliot (Dumbo Ears) Yamin and Fantasia go to Angola to give away mosquito nets (over eight million, which I assume they didn’t do by themselves…).  Fantasia sings a little and a woman named her newborn son after Eliot because it is tradition to name your newborn after a visitor in the land.  The tradition is kind of cool, but of course Eliot is not and he gets all weepy about it.  <sigh>  Ryan tells us that Billy Crystal, Robin Williams and Dane Cook are going to be making an appearance for this year’s show.  Nice.  I like Dane Cook….good story teller….which all comedians should be. 

 

We’re down to the last few kiddies now.  Syesha is a top tenner.  So that leaves Amanda and Chikezie.  This sucks.  I don’t think either one of them should be in the bottom three….but then….we’re getting to that point.  We’re getting there though, we’re not there yet.  Michael should at least be in the bottom instead of Carly.  So anyway, because you - America hate me, Chikezie is safe and our cool rocker chick is in the bottom three.  <sigh>  Well, at least it’s obviously going to be Horsey going home…..right?

 

We’re never going to find out, because AI has to show us another 4 million commercials first.  When the show finally comes back on, we find out that Carly is safe and she is obviously relieved.  But, we knew that.  No surprise.  So say goodbye Kri- hang on.  She’s SAFE?  Amanda is going HOME?  <long pause>  Bulls**t.  The only upside to this ridiculous voting fiasco is that now the rocker nurse doesn’t have to be in the stupid tour all summer, and instead can get going on her own album.  But it’s still crap.  She gets to sing one more time, and the band messed up!!!  Did you hear that!!!  Ricky, I’m surprised at you.  Amanda gave him a look like, don’t mess this up for me jackass.  Heehee.  Man….that’s really too bad.  I liked her.

 

So we have a few more sacrificial lambs to vote off the island before we get down to the nitty gritty I guess.  I didn’t hear what they’re doing next week because the Hubby of course immediately deleted the recording.  We had Survivor to watch last night too, which is weird I know, but the b-ball tourney is starting today people.  We have to be ready to covertly watch all the games on our laptops while we pretend to work.  <wink>

 

 

Later gators,

Heather