Night 27 at the newly merged Nobag tribe.  This is one of the lamest merged tribe names I think I have ever heard on this show.  I mean....come on.....No Bag?  What does that even mean?  I think I'll call them BarfBag because that's what the stupid name makes me think of....ridiculous....Kenny still thinks he's King of the Universe for getting Marcus, Dan and now Charlie voted out.  Don't let your head get too big, Ken.  That little toothpick body of yours won't be able to support the weight and you'll fall over backwards. 

 

So the next morning Sugar Spice is chatting with Orville...and maybe because she hypnotized him....he decides to tell her he has a fake idol.  <long pause>  Come ON Orville?  What are you thinking???  How is that information worth anything if you don't keep it to yourself???  And of course Sugar Spice says nothing about having the real one...which Orville didn't even press her on....The Wedding Hater and Corinne decide they are going to need Matty Patty for a voting majority.  Good luck with that guy.  I think he's cracking up pretty fast. 

 

It's time for the reward challenge....which isn't much of a challenge this week because it's time for the Auction!!!  This is always pretty boring to me.  Yeah.  So they get to eat.  Big deal.  But of course, it's a big deal to them.  If I ever decided to turn into a completely masochistic person and deprive myself of something like chocolate or coffee for 28 days....then it would probably be a big deal to me too.  Everybody gets $500 to bid with at the auction.  Jeffy tells them they can't share food or cash.  Huh.  The Wedding Hater wins the first item - 3 beers and a bowl of peanuts.  Kenny wins the next mystery item, which is the chance to send someone to Exile and take their money.  So he sends Orville and takes his cash.  Sugar Spice wins chocolate and peanut butter...you go girl!!  The next item is a bath and clean clothes.  Suzie wins it....but she has to take a bath in front of everybody and she's only in it for like 10 minutes.  Everybody is kind of surprised....me too!  If I spent over $300 on a bath, I'd be in it until they pushed me out.  Matty Patty wins a burger and fries for $400.  Yeah...I'd probably bet that much on a burger too.  Randy wins spaghetti, garlic bread and wine.  Holy cow!!  I'd probably take the Italian food over anything else.  Corinne gets a secret message in a secret bottle for a secret advantage at the next immunity challenge.  Randy buys a mystery plate that Jeffy tells him he has to share with everyone.  Turns out to be a plate of cookies.  And now the drama starts....

 

The Wedding Hater offers Sugar Spice the first cookie, and she turns it down.  So he gives everybody else a cookie and gives the extra one to Corrine.  Corrine splits it in half and shares it with Matty Patty.  Then, the Wedding Hater offers his cookie to Sugar Spice, and she takes it.  Then....gives it to Matty Patty.  Oh no....you di-idn't!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Jeffy poo is surprised.  The Wedding Hater is irate.  And Sugar Spice just showed a little bit more of who she really is underneath that sweet little smile.  And the Wedding Hater holds on to his hate for a looooooooooooooong time.  Back at camp, he explains to Matty Patty that that cookies he got was in fact the Wedding Hater...like he wanted Matty Patty to thank him for it.  He tells Matty Patty that he won't make it to the end with his current alliance...he'll need to vote with Corinne and the Wedding Hater to make it to the final three. 

 

Orville is out at Exile having a walkabout.

 

The next day, Matty Patty explains the pecking order to everybody.  He thinks Orville should go first, then the Wedding Hater and then Corinne.  I'm not sure I totally agree with that...but everybody else does so whatever.  So the Wedding Hater comes up with a plan to make everybody hate him, so they'll vote for him and then he get Orville to give him the hidden immunity idol he is assuming that Orville has found (why doesn't anyone think Sugar Spice found the idol during one her 18 trips to Exile?)....it's kind of a weak plan, but I have a feeling that the Hater is desperate.  And besides...everybody hates him already. 

 

So now, it's time for the immunity challenge.  You run across a balance beam with a bag of puzzle pieces which are actually dominoes...but Jeffy poo can't call them dominoes because that word is trademarked.  So he calls them puzzle pieces.  So they have to set up the "puzzle pieces" like dominoes so they domino into a block that raises a flag.  To make setting up the dominoes more difficult, the survivors have to crawl through a spiderweb maze that could also topple all of their dominoes if they are not careful.  That's probably more confusing than it needs to be.  And on top of that the whole thing is in two stages.  The first two to make it across the balance beams first, get to move on to the domino part.  Corinne's super secret message advantage that she won in the auction gets her directly into the domino round.  So Matty Patty and the Giant-Killer Kenny make it to the domino round with her.  So there's lots of crawling through strings and setting up dominoes without calling them dominoes and Matty Patty's psychotic laugh....and in the end they all try to get their dominoes to fall at the same time.  But Giant-Killer Kenny is the only smart enough to figure out how dominoes work...and he wins.  Something tells me Kenny spent a lot of time with dominoes when he was a kid. 

 

The next ten minutes was like watching the movie Titanic.  It was pretty good for a movie that you already knew the ending to....Orville talks to Sugar Spice who asks him to give his fake idol to the Wedding Hater and because this idea of being a millionaire has sucked the soul out of Orville, he agrees.  Corinne asks Orville to give the Hater his idol (assuming that he found it....because Sugar Spice could not possibly have found it first) after telling him about the Hater's plan to make everyone hate him.  So soulless Orville gives the Hater the fake idol and we're off to tribal council with Sugar Spice in the background wringing her hands with evil glee.

 

Ok, so Jeffy poo starts things off with the Cookie Fiasco.  The Hater hates Sugar Spice and she thinks he's ridiculous.  Corinne says everyone is tense....nice way to point out the obvious there.  Crystal says she hates the Hater.  Orville pretends to not know what an idol is and the Hater says he is nervous about going home.  Ok....time to vote!  I don't normally talk about them voting because they never show us anything we don't already know, but here's something funny.  Crystal doesn't even bother whispering to the camera, she's practically yelling when she says she's voting for the Hater.  Heehee....hilarious.  So, once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Then Jeffy poo asks if anyone wants to play a hidden immunity idol....and here we go.  Corinne has this knowing smile on her face and she's practically winking at Marcus on the jury....the Hater gives Jeffy poo his fake idol.  And Jeffy tosses it in the fire, like the trash that it is....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I LOVE that he throws those into the fire....Corinne is stunned and the Hater must know he's going home.  You can tell he's trying to hold it together....while pretty much everyone else is not really trying to hold back their laughter.  Orville does look like he might feel a teensy bit guilty about it....I have a feeling if Orville makes it to the end, the Hater will fillet him at the final council.  So obviously, the Hater gets voted out.  I'm kind of glad, he was starting to annoy me even though I usually root for the people-hater. 

 

The lesson for today's episode - eat your own damn cookies.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Only 9 are left.  Night 24 at the Coca Cola tribe.  Kenny is pleased with himself for masterminding these blindsides.  Orville knows his number is up…that bowtie is ridiculous by the way.  He says, "I know I’m history, even though I teach science."  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  You’re hilarious Bob. 

 

At the Teeth Tribe, they have no food and they can’t make fire.  Holy bajeebers, these people are losers.  You know....you people would DIE if you actually did have to survive out in the jungle some day.  You'd die.  <shaking my head>  Anyway, they're all praying for a merge so they can eat....but no such luck.  The challenge is golf, Survivor style.  Corinne wants to see Marcus….uh oh.  Somebody’s going to be upset.  The tribes walk in to the Challenge and see that Hollywood is gone.  Corinne and Happy are visibly upset.  She says, he didn’t deserve to leave.  And Kenny says, well then who does.  Corinne back pedals immediately.  Way to put her on the spot Kenny.....and make yourself look like kind of a jerk.  Their reward is some kind of tribal feast with the locals.  That’s always fun.  The golf game is using sling shots, which is kind of hysterical.  Coca Cola wins the first hole.  The Teeth win the second hole.  The third hole will decide the winner.  This actually looks like a really fun game.  On the third shot, Coca Cola goes way past the hole, and the Teeth hit it right next to the hole.  On the fourth shot, Coca Cola gets it right next to the hole.  The Teeth can win it, but the Wedding Hater and Matty Patty are arguing and Happy is trying to make everyone happy.  Matty has that psycho laugh, and then the Wedding Hater gets all whiny about it.  So the Teeth send Orville to Exile, which was a good idea except of course for the fact that Sugar Spice already has the idol.

 

The Wedding Hater is totally blowing the whole thing out of proportion, but whatever.  They’re just hungry.  So it’s off to the jungle for some food and dancing.  The locals start by giving the Teeth a bath, which I can understand because they probably stink.  Happy is not very happy about Hollywood being gone.  After they eat some local food paste, it’s time to dance.  The Wedding Hater thinks one of the women likes him, so he is clearly delusional.  Maybe they were eating some kind of Gabonese peyote....Matty starts dancing like a weirdo. 

 

Back at Coca Cola, and Kenny is stuck in the middle of the lake, he’s just paddling around in circles.  Seriously?  How is this guy still alive?  So he pulls the net out of the water with three fish, and he thinks he’s the man.  Oh dear Lord.  Orville is out at Exile and he takes the clues.  Man…I feel bad for him.  He gets through all of the clues, and then of course he can’t find the idol.  Why is it so hard to believe that Sugar Spice found it?  So Orville decides to make his own idol.  It’s much better than Ozzie’s fake idol, remember that one? 

 

Time for the Immunity challenge and it’s fire time.  The Wedding Hater calls Crystal ‘Sasquatch’.  Wow…..he’s pretty awful, isn’t he?  Heeheehee…love it.  But before they can do the challenge, Jeffy poo announces that they are merged.  Nice!!  Orville has a better chance now.  The fire-making is an individual challenge.  The first person to burn through their rope, wins.  Suzie is the first one to get a flame and it’s really going.  Matty is trying to chop his fingers off.....um......wrong challenge Matty Patty......Saw IV came out a while ago.....  Then Sugar Spice gets her flame going.  And these two ladies are the only ones who can make fire….which is funny because they were the last two anyone expected.  Suzie won.  That one was boring, because it was kind of obvious that she was going to win from the beginning.  They’re going back to the Teeth camp.  Day 27 and they are finally one tribe. 

 

They have more food.  Finally.  So they’re not going to starve anymore….which should make things slightly less interesting.  After they eat, everyone scatters to plot and scheme.  The Wedding Hater asks Happy if he’s heard anything about anything.  <chuckle>  What a great question!  So they want Crystal to go home.  Everybody knows that Sugar Spice is in the middle.  Corinne and Happy tell Sugar Spice that they want to vote for Crystal, but Sugar wants to vote for the Wedding Hater.  Corinne says, welllllllllll…let’s vote for Crystal first and then Randy.  <shaking my head>  So Sugar is like, ok.  Corinne thinks Sugar is a moron, but I’m not sure….she may be very very smart or very very dumb.

 

Crystal, Matty, and Suzie want to get rid of Corinne and then the evil mastermind Kenny says, no we should vote for Happy because he’s the brains behind everything.  Which is of course not true, Kenny is just holding a grudge against Happy for spoiling his hidden immunity idol clue at the beach feast.  So Kenny pulls Sugar Spice to the side, and tells her about Happy.  Sugar, who has absolutely no reason to believe Kenny, or anyone for that matter, doesn’t know who she is voting for.  The tribe decides to name themselves the ‘Nobag’ tribe which is Gabon backwards in case you couldn’t figure that out.  Very creative people we have here.  I think they need more sugar and caffeine in their diet....it's difficult to be creative without sugar and caffeine highs....

 

Time for tribal council.  Marcus walks in and oh my, Hollywood looks very good cleaned up, doesn’t he?  Jeffy poo says don’t talk to the Jury.  Jeffy asks the Wedding Hater what was the problem at the reward challenge?  Crystal calls out Randy and says why do you have a problem with me.  He tells her it’s because of the GC/Crystal alliance at the beginning.  Crystal says, look what you see is what you get.  Kenny says, my opinion of Happy has changed, I think he's a good person now….ooooooo, what a snake....of course you say that now, since you're voting him out.  The Wedding Hater, says yeah, Kenny has changed.  He’s more grown up (tranlsate: more of a snake).  Ok, now time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  The Wedding Hater calls Crystal a bitch when he writes her name down….wow….he has some real issues, doesn’t he?  So it’s between Crystal and Charlie.  Four votes in a row for Crystal and then the Charlie votes start.  Sugar Spice is crying….man she’s a cryer.  So Happy is voted out, and I guarantee you he’s happy to see Hollywood on the jury.

 

Another man down, thanks to Kenny.  When will people start realizing this kid is pulling all the strings?

 

Later gators,

Heather

It's night 21 in Gabon.  It always feels like this show goes by so fast, doesn't it?  Anyway, back at the Evil Empire camp and the Wedding Hater is snapping at Susie.  Apparently they split the vote on purpose, just in case Dan had the idol.  Ok, that makes sense.  The Wedding Hater says, we need to stick together.  Susie thinks she has the upperhand on everyone, like she's the swing vote.  But she also thought she looked like Jessica Simpson....so we know how clear headed she is....oh wait, that was me.

 

Over at the loser Teeth tribe and Matty Patty is shocked they voted Ace out.  Sugar Spice still thinks Kenny is being honest with her....oh.....you've got a surprise comng to you, huh.  Matty Patty thinks Crystal is after him now....but she's like no, let's start over.  I wouldn't believe a thing Crystal says if I was him.  You're trouble Peppermint Patty....trust your instincts.  Everybody is hoping for a merge so they can eat.  Ahhhhh, priorities.

 

Over at the Evil Empire and Corinne is still complaining about Susie.  Tree mail sounds like it might be a merge.  It's talking about a feast on the beach.  Both tribes get there, and I don't know if you caught this or not because it happened so fast.  But they're looking at this huge spread of food, and Corinne goes, they have mixed nuts!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ok, listen.  If mixed nuts made me that happy, my life would be much simpler.  Matty is super excited about not starving to death, which I kind of have a feeling is the only reason the producers decided to throw this in.  They're all eating, and they have to finish eating before they read the message left on the table.  But while they're eating, Kenny sees a clue for a hidden immunity idol under the box holding the other message.  But then Happy sees it too.  So everybody reads the clue.  Hollywood calls everybody's bluff and says, let's get rid of it.  What huh?!?!  Then the Wedding Hater says, yeah, another idol will just muck everything up.  Let's find it and throw it in the ocean.  Brilliant!!  Using the dark side of the force, the Wedding Hater backs everybody up into a corner.  After they find the idol and Randy dubs himself the new king of Gabon, they leave it on the table for anybody to take.  Of course, if anyody takes it, they're basically signing their own death warrant in the game.  This was such a brilliant move, I can't get over it.  Nobody can take the idol, so the Wedding Hater and Hollywood march it out into the ocean and throw it away.  Awesome.  Hollywood is dumbfounded that people let him get away with that without so much as a peep.  I am too.

 

Then they open the message box on the table and they each have to take a numbered stone out of the bag.  Surprise!!  You're getting switched into new teams.  Again.  The Evil Empire still ends up with a majority on both of the new tribes....how they worked that out, I will never know.  The new Coca Cola tribe has Crystal, Susie, Orville, Kenny and Hollywood.  Hollywood finds out that one of his best friends is Crystal's cousin and so now he feels like he can trust her.  That's very confusing logic to me, but whatever.  He wants to align with Crystal and she's at least a little more practical about this situation and thinks she can use it to her advantage.

 

The new loser starving Teeth tribe is Happy, Corinne, the Wedding Hater, Sugar Spice and Matty Patty.  Happy wants to stick to the plan to get out these loser Teeth.  Matty Patty doesn't trust Randy even though they are sort of friends.  Matty Patty then tells Sugar Spice what a dope she is, Ace was never gunning for her and Crystal and Kenny lied.  She cries because she's so gullible.  Why she believes Matty Patty over Kenny and Crystal over Ace is totally beyond me.  But Matty Patty has to rely on her now.....oh boy.  You're in trouble.

 

Hollywood doesn't trust Susie at all, which he shouldn't.  He called her a dizzy bat....which is kind of funny.  The Wedding Hater is talking about throwing the upcoming immunity challenge so they can vote off Matty Patty and so that Susie doesn't have a chance to vote off Hollywood.  He's a very good strategist....I think he'll be around for a while.  It's an endurance challenge...but each individual player can win immunity for the whole tribe....so no chance of throwing it.  They have to hold these poles up in the air until their arms fall off.  Sounds like loads of fun.  Crystal is out immediately....is it me or is she totally not acting like an Olympian.  Sugar Spice is out right after her.  Susie is next.  Then Randy and Corinne basically at the same time.  Then Kenny.  Hollywood starts shaking before he drops his poles....man he is cute!  Anyway, Orvile is the only one left for the new Coca Cola tribe.  Happy is out next which doesn't make him very Happy.  So it's Matty Patty against Orville and Matty Patty has clearly gone round the bend.  He's whooping and hollering like a banshee and that would have made me really mad if I was Orville....but the Ancient One hangs on for as long as he can.  Matty's poles are on the verge of dropping, but Orville messes up first.  Randy is annoyed that Matty Patty won, even though he got immunity for their tribe.

 

So Coca Cola is going to tribal council.  Susie is apparently the swing vote.  Hollywood wants to vote for Kenny and he tells Crystal his plan.  His plan makes sense to me...but nobody likes someone with lots of good ideas, and Crystal doesn't want her only ally on the team getting voted out.  Um.....what about Hollywood?  I think she'd go farther with Hollywood than Kenny, if for no other reason than Kenny is close to disappearing into nothingness if he doesn't get more food in his belly.  Susie thinks she should vote with Hollywood but she's not sure.  Crystal tells Kenny he's on the chopping block, so then she goes to talk to Susie about getting Hollywood out.  Susie is like, but he promised!  And Crystal is like, come on, don't believe everything a man tells you!  Or something like that....Susie says, but I'm known for being trustworthy.  What?!?  Since when?!?!

 

Time for Tribal Council.  Crystal calls Coca Cola corporate espionage and then she calls the Teeth tribe the ghetto.  Wow.  I didn't understand those analogies at all.  Hollywood says they need to keep the tribe strong and Kenny jumps at him.  He says, don't play a player (hahaha, he didn't really say that but he should of), he says we all know you're voting out Teeth members first.  Hollywood tries to look good in front of everyone, but he should have just been honest.  Time to vote.  We see who everyone voted for except for Susie.  It's split between Susie and Hollywood.  Hmmmmm...this is no good.  Hollywood is going home.  Kenny is the giant-killer, people need to pay more attention to this kid.  Hollywood is the first member of the jury.  Oh my oh my.  At least I'll still get to see him every week.....soooooooo cute.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Yes, yes, I realize that I haven't updated the Survivor blog in a million years.  Thank you to everyone who has so patiently pointed this out.  You're awesome.  And for all you awesome people, here it is.  The Teeth are starving to death.  They have handfuls of rice left.  Matty Patty is hopeless....either because his mother named him Matty or because he's starving....not terribly sure.  After he explains their hopeless situation, cut to Crystal knocking over the rice bowl.  Everyone is infuriated...but it's that quiet repressed anger that you learned about from reading Lord of the Flies....not loud road rage anger.  It's the kind that you can feel.  So she picks up as much rice as she can, and then refuses to eat with the tribe because she's a passive angry martyr.  Women are so mean, aren't they?  Ace tries to get her to eat, but she won't and gets an attitude....sure, hon.  Blame him because you're a moron.  That makes sense.

 

Over at the Evil Empire, Finding Himself Dan is being extremely paranoid.  Because he's not part of the cool kids.  He explains in his pathetic needy way that he is super sensitive, talking with Hollywood and Corinne.  Corinne says he's socially inept...hahahahaha, I agree.  She's like, I don't know if he was a former fatty or why he wasn't liked as a child....but this is ridiculous.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I totally agree.  Once you hit 30 people, you've got to let all your high school trauma go....it no longer serves any purpose.  Hollywood thinks Danny boy is digging his own gave, and he can't help him.  You're right, Hollywood....don't even try.

 

Time for the Reward Challenge.  It's a game of keep-away.  One tribe is throwing this breakable ball around while a member of the other tribe tries to break it.  The first tribe to break three balls wins.  Hmmmmm....breaking balls.  I think I would be good at this one.  The reward is a picnic feast which of course the loser Teeth could sorely use.  First up as ball breakers are Randy and Ace.  Randy breaks ball one for the Evil Empire.  Then we have Orville and Sugar Spice.  Sugar Spice just kind of stands there being useless while Orville is literally throwing his entire body at people.  Orville scores again for the Evil Empire.  Next up is the former fatty Dan and Matty Patty.  Matty Patty goes after them hard, but again Sugar Spice throwing and catching the ball on the other side loses it for the Teeth.  The Evil Empire wins yet again, because that's what evil empires do.  They send Sugar Spice back to Exile, because hell, why not.  Matty Patty is not very happy with Sugar Spice.  I don't blame him....

 

The Evil Empire takes a beeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuteeful helicopter ride to their picnic site.  Orville is having the time of his life.  Back over at the loser Teeth tibe and Matty says he's embarrassed.  You should be Matty Patty, with a retarded name like that.  He complains about Sugar Spice and then asks Ace to go on a boat ride with him so they can scheme and plot.  He wants Sugar Spice gone, obviously, but Ace hardly gets two words out about Crystal and Matty Patty is like, yeah ok, whatever you say.  Ace is clearly hypnotizing people with his Jedi mind tricks....because he really didn't say anything that would have convinced me to change my mind so quickly.  Unless Matty Patty is just delirious from hunger...which could obviously be the case.  Kenny and Crystal know something is up and they talk about getting rid of Ace.  Crystal calls him the Devil.  Which I'm sure is true because the Devil most definitely has an Australian accent.

 

Back at the picnic feast and the Evil Empire gets letters from home.  Naturally this makes everybody cry, especially Orville who turns into a big bawling baby.  I'm sure that should have been endearing...but it wasn't for me.  It was just annoying.  And it kind of looked like Randy, the Wedding Hater, didn't get any letters...or maybe I just missed him being emotional.  Over at Exile, Sugar Spice explains she's only with Ace the Devil because he's the strongest player in the game.  Absolutely.  The Devil always gets his way.

 

Time for the Immunity Challenge and Jeffy poo drops a bomb shell.  Both tribes are going to tribal council tonight to vote someone out.  And everybody is playing for inidivdual immunity.  Huh.  This is different.  They usually merge before they play for individual immunity.  Anyway, it's a log roll.  Which I would be terrible at....despite how vertically challenged I am, I have no sense of balance.  Seriously, I would fall of the sidewalk if the debilitating forces of gravity were not holding me down.  Finding Himself Dan explains to the camera that he needs to win big.  He's up first against Ace and Dan loses almost immediately.  Way to go fatso.  Next, it's Happy versus Crystal.  And Happy wins.  Should have eaten those three grains of rice earlier Crystal.  Hollywood is up next against Matty Patty and Hollywood wins.  Apparently Matty Patty is not desperate enough for food yet.  The Wedding Hater is up against Susie and the Wedding Hater wins because the world always works that way.  Then it's Kenny against Sugar Spice and Kenny was blown away by a small breeze.  Last Orville is up against Corinne.  Orville explains that he won the log roll 92 years ago when he was in college.  Ok.  So after he lays that intimidating knowledge down, Corinne folds.  In the semis it's Ace versus Happy and Ace wins a close one.  Hollywood verus the Wedding Hater and even though the world loves misanthropes, it apparently loves beautiful people more because Hollywood wins.  Sugar Spice is up against the Log Roll Champion Orville and Orville slips, gets his balance back, they both fall in, but Orville hits the water first.  For the finals, all three of them (Ace, Hollywood and Sugar Spice) are on the log at the same time.  Sugar Spice falls off first, probably because Ace told her to do it.  But then Ace falls in next.  Hollywood wins immunity and Ace shoots himself in the pinky toe.  And now Jeffy poo lays another little twist on us, Hollywood has to pick a member of the loser Teeth tribe to give another individual immunity to....so he picks Sugar Spice.  Now we know she's sold her soul to the devil because blonde girls just aren't this lucky.....are they?

 

Back at the loser Teeth tribe and Kenny lays a whopper on Sugar Spice about Ace wanting her gone.  She says she doesn't believe him, but she does.  She knows she can't trust anybody, but she seems to believe whatever people tell her....it's kind of dumb.  I think she's just a lucky person.  Ace, probably suspecting something is up, tries to get the idol from her and plays right into Kenny's lie.  Now Sugar Spice really really wants him gone.  At tribal council, Crystal gets super defensive about the spilt rice.  People are so nasty when they're hungry.  Sugar Spice says it's petty stuff like this that is keeping us from winning.  But now it's time to vote.  Nobody plays the idol.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Jeffy poo reads the votes.  Ace.  Crystal.  Ace.  Crystal.  And the last vote goes to....Ace.  The Devil is done.  Blindsided by Sugar Spice....or rather....by Kenny.

 

Over at the Evil Empire and Finding Himself Dan is completely freaking out.  Randy thinks Susie is the low man on the totem pole, and that Orville will be loyal.  He reads people pretty well for hating them so much.  Corinne goes to talk to Susie, and this is the point where I am pretty sure Susie has a brain aneurism because she just blabs out that she was thinking about voting for Corinne.  Now.  Corinne is my kind of girl.  Totally, utterly and unapologetically vindictive.  She wants Susie to die a miserable death.  Love it. Great attitude.  She says, I want to stab her in the face.  <chuckle>  So now she's talking to everybody about voting for Susie instead of Dan.  Now nobody knows what to do, but too late, it's time for tribal council.  When Jeffy poo asks about it, Susie sticks her other foot in her mouth and explains she thinks she's stronger than Corinne.  Ok, hon.  And I looking remarkably similar to Jessica Simpson.  See how easy it is to lie to yourself.  Corinne talks about how it's good to act without a filter sometimes.  Jeffy poo asks the Wedding Hater about acting without a filter and he says, well it's good and bad for me.  Why's it good?  Because I don't have to pretend and people always know where I stand.  Why's it bad?  Because I don't have to pretend and people always know where I stand.  <smile>  Excellent explanation.  Dan calls himself a worry wart.  And nobody talks to Orville....time to vote.  No idol is played.  The votes go - Susie, Dan, Dan, Susie, Dan, Susie, Dan.  Piggy is going home.  Time to find yourself someplace else, Danny boy. 

 

I have no idea what will happen next....this season they don't seem to be playing by the tried and true formula of two tribes into one merged tribe.  We'll see.

 

Later gators,

Heather

So we're back at Team Tooth after the booting of GC the Quitter.  Everybody is mopey and depressing.  This team is so ridiculously pathetic.  I have less than zero pity for them.  Ace is now scheming to take over the whole team...I don't think that will be too terribyl difficult.  Honestly.  These people are mindless drones.  Mindless hungry loser drones.  Someone come up with one semi-decent idea and you will triumph over these idiots.  Speaking of which, Matty Patty is telling the Camera Guy that he's playing for his girlfriend.  She means everything to him.  <pause>  If she meant everything to you Peppermint Patty, you would have proposed and she would be your fiancee, not your girlfriend.  <shaking my head>  So anyway, since Matty Patty is so desperate to win, he makes a pact with Ace, each of them swearing on the lives of loved ones to stay faithful to the pact.  This is always the point in the show where the Hubby finds it necessary to point out to me that if he ever made a pact like that, I shouldn't expect him to keep it if a million dollars was on the line.  I'm glad he feels this way, because that means I don't have any guilt over feeling the same way.  Seriously?  It's a game.  And if you're the sucker who wants to believe that anything I say is not a lie....well go right ahead.  Losers are always gullible.  Anyway, back to the loser alliance - they agree to keep Sugar and Ken.  Kelly and Crystal will be the next up on the chopping block.  <sigh>  If they lose again....

 

Over at the Evil Empire, Finding Himself Dan is starting to piss everyone off because he keeps stuffing his face.  This tribe is unbelievable.  They have a surplus of food...and they're getting snipey about a few extra helpings?  I love watching people stranded out in the middle of nowhere...they get these hyper-strong senses of justice and reason.  Everything is blown way out of proportion.  Love it.  Of course they're absolutely right when it comes to Dan.  That guy is annoying and his smile is creepy and he's got the crazy eyes.  He definitely needs to go.  But...the Evil Empire will never lose so that will have to wait for the merge.  Over with the loser Teeth, they think they have about six days of rice left.  <shaking my head>  Ace tells Sugar Spice that everyone knows she has the idol, and so her brilliant plan to thwart the other losers is to give her idol to Ace.  I think he must have hypnotized her into acting this retarded.  But now it's time for the Reward Challenge.

 

Both teams are tethered together to a big 200 pound snake-like thing.  The tribes start at opposites sides of an oval track.  They have to carry the snake and run around, the first team to catch the other team in front of them wins.  Tribe members can drop out if they get too tired, but of course that leaves more weight for the remaining tribe members.  This one is a no-brainer...but the reward is food and so you'd think the Teeth would be amped up for it.  The reward includes coffee....which is really one of the only sticking points to me sending in an audition tape for this show.  No coffee for more than a month?!?!?  I would go stark raving mad if I have to do that....no coffee.....that's just nuts.  So anyway, they win coffee and croissants and lots of other stuff that is guaranteed to make them sick to their stomachs after so long with no sugar.  <chuckle>  These producers have an evil sense of humor.  The challenge starts and it looks like the Teeth might be doign ok....at least it looked that way for about 4 seconds.  Then they started dropping likes flies.  And who can blame them?  They haven't eaten anything....they have no energy....poor Matty Patty and Ace are lefts trying to carry the whole 200 pounds by themselves.  And at that point it was just a matter of time...time meaning about half a minute before the Evil Empire won yet again.  So Jeffy poo makes the Evil Empire eat in front of the teeth because he's so sadistic.  The Wedding Hater makes a big show of it and makes Crystal cry.  Oh dear Jesus...why are they so pathetic?  Why is their always one pathetic team?  Oh, and Sugar Spice is heading back to Exile.  But you knew that already.

 

Back at the Evil Empire and in order to make sure Finding Himself Dan doesn't hoover up all the food for himself, the tribe decides the "fairest" thing to do would be to divide up the pastries among everybody and skip dinner for the night.  Dan thinks that will leave him hungry at night.  <chuckle>  Spoiled much?  The Wedding Hater thinks it might be a good idea to start distancing himself from this impending disaster (i.e., Dan).  Yeah....I think that's a great idea at this point.  Out on Exile, Sugar Spice is upset that she has all this food and the rest of her tribe is starving to death.  Why she doesn't try to smuggle food out, I don't know.  Ok so back at the loser Teeth tribe, Matty Patty wants to work work work, so they can rest rest rest tomorrow.  So Kelly leeches onto Ace to explain to him why Crystal is a big baby and why she should go.  Ace does, to his credit, seem less than convinced by Kelly's evil argument.  Crystal and Kenny are back at camp being losers; Crystal continues to defend crying.  There's nothing wrong with crying when you're such a loser....people kind of expect it.  So Crystal runs off after Kelly and Ace to explain that she is not a quitter...just passionate.  Ok.  I know she's not a quitter....and if she bothered to explain to people that she is a real competitor/Olympian, then they may understand. 

 

The Evil Empire caught a turtle and cooked it and ate it.  I don't know why this bothered me....but it did.

 

Time for the Immunity challenge.  It's a relay race.  In teams of two, the tribes have to retrieve pieces from the jungle.  Once they get all the pieces, they have to construct some kind of flag pole.  Or something like that...it's a relay race/obstacle course.  The loser Teeth seem kind of amped up to win, as usual.  Sugar and Kelly go first and it seems like they're doing really well...until Kelly completely dies at the end of their turn.  She gives the Evil Empire a bit of a lead.  The last leg of the race is Matty Patty and Kenny against Hollywood and Finding Himself.  Matty Patty gets a lead by climbing over the obstacle, instead of trying to get through it....and they get back to the mat first.  But putting the flag pole together is where this race is going to get won (that is probably the worst sentence I have ever written)...and Ace is hogging the pole pieces from everybody, probably completely confident that he can win this challenge for everybody and be the hero.  Of course he's wrong.  Of course they lose, because they're losers.  And of course, Jeffy poo makes fun of them.  I am so mad this loser team lost again....it makes me sick to watch now.

 

So...Ace and Matty Patty are trying to decide who to boot.  Ace says it must be Kelly but Matty Patty wants to flush out the idol and get rid of Sugar.  Ace says, in a less than subtle way, that Matty Patty has nothing to worry about.....you know, because Ace has the idol.  And oblivious Matty Patty doesn't realize what he's saying.  Now when he tells everyone else who to vote for....they all start to get skeptical about his apparent allegiance to Ace.  So Crystal tells Kenny that they needs to get rid of Ace....which would be a great idea....but when has this loser tribe ever followed through on a great idea?  Never.  So Kenny goes to talk to Sugar Spice and she just blabs out that she gave the idol to Ace.  And Kenny, with mouth hanging open, is like....what the hell are you thinking?!?!?  He tells her to get it back, which she does.

 

Time for Tribal.  Matty Patty thinks the tribe is cursed.  Listen....if anyone is cursed it's the Evil Empire Turtle Murderers.  Those people will be haunted for the rest of their lives.  Kelly says their is no team work.  Crystal blames Ace for losing the challenge.  Ace accepts the blame.  Then Kelly calls Crystal unstable.  Oh no you di-idn't.  Heehee.  Crystal goes crazy....like a really......unstable person.  She tells Crystal that normal human beings get upset when they continuously lose.  So Kelly tries to pull Ace into the argument saying he agrees with Kelly, and he's like oh no....that's not going to work.  So on the note, it's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  Kelly votes for Crystal...but everyone else votes for Kelly.  <sigh>  Another golden opportunity wasted.  This team sucks.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

I am so late with this post....sorry sorry sorry sorry.  Last week started back at the loser Tooth tribe after they voted out Jacquie.  Sugar Spice shows up and is just as annoyed as Ace that Kelly is still around.  Sugar tries to convince everyone that she gave up looking for the hidden immunity idol out on Exile island...but nobody is buying it.  You have to be a better actress Sugar....come on! 

 

Over at the Coca Cola tribe, Orville is acting like Captain Ahab netting all kinds of fish for the Colas.  Everybody is happy and fat on that tribe.  Switch back over to the Teeth, and some elephant is tromping around the jungle near their camp.  It would be kind of cool to be up close and personal with Animals in their Natural Habitat....a little diffferent than being at the zoo.  The tribe is gawking at the elephant like they've never seen one before and Matty Patty and Ace decide to paddle out in a canoe closer to where the elephant is wreaking havoc in the jungle.  I kind of expected the elephant to stampede out into the water and demolish the canoe and smash them....but that didn't happen.  Matty Patty is very awed by the whole experience.

 

Time for the Reward challenge.  The game is Fruit Cricket.  Toss a piece of fruit through a hoop without it getting whacked by the other team, put the fruit in your basket, as much fruit as you can.  The tribe whose basket weighs the most at the end of five minutes, wins.  The only highlight of this whole competition was watching a pineapple or something equally large go sailing into Ace's face.  Spacey Ace is a little wobbled by that and annoyed.  Being annoyed doesn't score any points though and Coca Cola wins again because they were throwing multiple pieces of heavy fruit....seemed like a no-brainer.....but you never know with these Teeth.  Finding Himself Dan decides for the entire tribe that Sugar Spice should go back to exile.  Jeffy poo asks why and Dan says, for comic relief.  No no no no no no....it's because she's the only one who could possibly have the idol and now you have her entire tribe pretty much just believing she has it.  You want her to have to play it.  It was the only choice he had...but stupid Dan made it sound stupid.  Stupid.

 

Back at their Camp, Coca Cola decides they are now the Evil Empire.  Nice.  I approve of this name change and will honor it from now on.  Dan morphs into this annoying motivational speaker and tries to convince everyone that they need to stay loyal to each other after the merge and vote off the other team....I don't know what that secret ingredient is that some people have that make them effective motivational speakers....but whatever it is, Dan doesn't have it.  He's annoying.  Hollywood thinks he's stupid.  But Hollywood is also suspicious of Sneaky Secretive Susie.  Never trust the quiet ones...they'll sneak up on you everytime.  And out on Exile, in her comfy Sugar Shack, Survivor's own Spice girl is living it up with a feast of fruit and relaxing hammock naps.

 

So back with the Teeth, and starvation is making everyone nuts.  Crystal jokes around with GC to finish his rice...since they have like none.  And GC gets all pissy and totally blows it out of proportion as usual.  Ace is pleased with this meltdown, obviously because the attention is no longer focused on him.  GC is a bitch, by the way.  I cannot stand people who are so whiny.  Now it's time for the Immunity challenge and GC has gone on a boat ride.  He is nowhere to be found and they have to leave.  Crystal could care less.  Kelly the Brain suggest he might have gotten eaten by a monkey.  <long pause>  He finally shows up, clearly noncomittal about helping in the challenge....so useless.....just get rid of that guy!! 

 

The Challenge is Plinko - Survivor Style.  One tribe member each is blind folded and stands at the bottom of the hill in front of these slots with different point values.  Another tribe member rolls a big ball down the hill through the obstacles and tries to get it by the blind folded person.  The blind people are directed by another tribe member which way to go to block the balls.  Ok...so Ace and Dan are the blind people, Sugar and the Wedding Hater are the callers, and everybody else is throwing balls.  Round 1 and both balls get in, but the Teeth are up 5 to 2 because of pure dumb luck.  Round 2 and the Wedding Hater actually manages to direct Dan in front of a ball, while Sugar Spice is apparently trying to communicate with Ace telepathically.  The Evil Empire scores another two points (still down 5-4).  Ace is annoyed...as usual.  Round 3 and the balls bounce around so much that Dan blocks his own ball and again, out of sheer dumb luck, the Teeth score two more points...because they are inept.  The world is so unfair, isn't it?  The score is 7-4.  Round 4 and Dan manages to block another ball, while Ace trips over something and breaks his neck...or it at least appeared to be that severe, considering how melodramatic he was acting.  The score is 7-6.  Last round, Dan blocks another ball and while Ace is heading for his ball, the Wedding Hater starts yelling at him to stop....and HE LISTENS!!  You moron!!  Why would you listen to the other team?!?!?  Anyway, so the Losers lose yet again.  The Evil Empire wallows in their victory by default. 

 

Back at the Tooth Tribe and GC wants to go home because he's a big baby.  He doesn't like who he is becoming....I don't know man.  I would like myself a whole lot if I were a millionaire....so everybody is annoyed because GC wants to go home.  Crystal is quite indignant about him being such a quitter.  Then they have an epiphany.  Sugar Spice most definitely has the idol...which they confirmed by going through her stuff....which she left in the tent in plain view of everyone.  They didn't take it....which I would have done.  But anyway, they decide that blindsiding Sugar would be a good move, since this is the only time she wouldn't be expecting it.  And I have a glimmer of hope for the Losers.

 

Now it's time for Tribal Council.  Jeffy poo asks how it feels to slowly starve to death and Spacey Ace points out that everyone's clothes are fitting looser.  GC whines.  Sugar tells Jeffy poo that GC wants to go home.  Matty Patty tries to make an argument for staying....but GC has no desire to....he just talks about going home....because he's a loser quitter bitch.  Jeffy poo even points out that everyone clearly knows Sugar has the idol...and she seems totally oblivious to the danger this poses to her.  Come on Losers!!  This is your chance!!  Now it's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  It's GC.  I'm too annoyed to even describe this....

 

Why would you try out for a show of survival and endurance...if you're a quitter?  Seriously, this was your chance!!  A lot of people didn't get the chance, because you did....and you throw it all away because you're a quitter?  I am sick to my stomach about this guy.  And about the Teeth, they had a shining opportunity to make Sugar play the idol.  Tell her you're voting for her, force her to play it...then whoever she votes for has to go.  It's a little bit of roulette because your fate is in her hands....but she probably would have voted for Kelly...and you needed to get rid of her anyway.  Or don't tell her, vote her out, get rid of the idol and break up the Sugar Spice Spacey Ace Alliance.  <shaking my head>  This is the dumbest tribe ever.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Ok, ok, ok.  So this is late.  Sorry <not really>.  I had other things to do on Friday...like work.  And still other things to do this weekend...like watching the Redskins lose.  <sigh>  The only highlight to the weekend was the fact that Sister #2 invited us over to her house to watch the game, which of course meant I got to spend time with our brilliant and perfect niece.  She had on her little Redskins jersey and her little burgundy sandals, just precious.  She is now also speaking.  Or, to be more accurate, she is speaking one word <the same word> over and over and over.  And because it's our family, she's not saying anything normal like 'Mama' or 'Papa'.  Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooo.  She is saying 'Magic'.  MaaaAAAAAaaaagic.  She loves saying this word and must have repeated herself about eight thousand times while we were watching the game and because it was her and she can do no wrong this never even came close to annoying me.  If any other person on this planet had been acting the same way, I would have incinerated them with my Death Stare.  I'm sure you're also thinking that I probably taught her that word, since I'm a huge sci-fi geek.  Or maybe it has something to do with the mind-control of Walt Disney.  Nope.  That's not it.  The truth is waaaaaaay better.  You see, 'Magic' is the name....<wait for it>......of the dog.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.  Sister #2 spends all day yelling at the dog....so now Princess Alyssa spends all day saying the name of the dog.  So don't ever forget people, that kids are always listening.  Always.

 

Now, it's time for the Survivor recap, which I'm sure none of you need by now because you either watched it on time, Tivoed it, watched it online or read some other blog by now.  But I'm going to write this anyway, just to be consistent and so that I have the whole season in here.  So Coca Cola is back from Tribal Council, remember Palomino <snicker> went home last week.  Kelly is upset that her Pal went home, she was the only other person to vote against Ace.  Come on Kelly, get with the program!  Now Ace is adamant about sending Kelly home next, but he still sounds too confident to me.  That's never good.  The king is still the king....

 

Ok, so over at Team Tooth the rice is still disappearing...which happens you know....when people eat it.  Randy thinks they need to cut back to one meal a day and the Brain Trust of GC, Crystal and Ken think that's no good.  Are you kidding me?  Rice does not magically grown from little rice beans you throw in the air, you MORONS!!  The Wedding Hater is not making the rice disappear just by suggesting that you ignorant pigs eat less of it!  So stupid.  So Weddign Hater heads out into the jungle with Matty Patty, Finding Myself Dan, and Susie where they all decide that GC is Cancer and they need to radiate him.  Now it's time for the Reward Challenge now that we've firmly established who hates who.  Except hold on...this doesn't sound like a reward challenge really....Jeffy poo makes the players ranks everyone on their tribes from most important to least important.  Ouch!  Can you imagine being voted 'Least Important' on your tribe.  What an awful thing to say about someone!!  So on the Coca Cola team, the players go - Hollywood, Ace, Orville, Happy, Jacquie, Corinne, Sugar Spice and Kelly.  Kelly...everyone hates you.  And Hollywood is first huh...not Ace.  That's interesting.  Ok, over on Team Tooth, the players go - Matty Patty, Finding Myself Dan, Wedding Hater, Olympian Crystal, The Game, GC and Susie.  Poor Susie....and what is UP with the women all being in the bottom!!  That's no good at all.  So after they discuss where everyone is in the ranking, Jeffy poo drops a bomb shell.  Apparently it's time to switch up the tribes.  What?!?!?  Why do they do this?!?!?  Just as soon as everyone is comfortable and has some alliances established....they shuffle everybody around.  Hmmmm....I don't like it.  So the two most important people get to pick for their same tribes from the other tribe.  And then the picked person gets to pick next and so on.  Since there is an odd number of people, one person will be last and that person is off to Exile Island for like two days until after the next Tribal Council when they will return to whichever team lost someone.  <sigh>  Is this the only way they could keep Team Tooth from being decimated?  Probably.  So anyway, the new teams are as follows - Teeth are now Matty Patty, Ace, Crystal, Jacquie, the Game, Kelly and GC.  The Colas are now Hollywood, Finding Myself Dan, Happy (who was REALLY happy about still being with Hollywood), the Wedding Hater, Corinne, Susie and Orville.  The tribes do seem a little more even, but I'm giving the edge to whichever team doesn't have any Cancer.  Sugar Spice is left over and off to Exile, which is hysterical because she already has the Idol, so it's time for some R&R.  You go girl.

 

The new Coca Cola seems pretty happy with their new team, although the Wedding Hater is concerned that the old Teeth on this tribe are outnumbered.  Sugar Spice is living it up on Exile, eating a ton of fruit and wishing longingly to be on Ace's tribe.  Awwwwwww.  Over at the Tooth Team and Ace makes the same exact suggestion for stretching out the rice supply and didn't get nearly the same amount of crap about it as the Wedding Hater.  <sheesh>  So, he and Jacquie go to get some fruit for the Teeth and Kelly starts right in with how awful the King is and how he needs to go....which of course gives Cancer, Crystal and Ken a great opportunity to exploit the poor Colas.  But not before the Immunity Challenge.  This was basically Water Polo, Survivor Style.  Everybody had to sit or stand in their own little innertube thingys and using a paddle/lacrosse stick paddle out to a ball.  Whichever tribe scores three points first, wins.  Simple enough.  Instead of a long drawn out explanation of how the game went, let's put it this way.  Team Tooth still sucks big time.  Ace was trying.  And so was Matty Patty.  And so was Jacquie.  And that was it.  Crystal didn't move at all, GC and Ken didn't even try.  Pathetic.  Jeffy poo was so annoyed.  Hollywood was of course the star of the Coca Cola team and the Wedding Hater did quite well also.

 

After Jeffy poo tells them how terrible they are...the Teeth trod back to camp where Ace compares them to legless chickens up against sleek weasels.  Really?  Legless chickens.  That's an awful image.  And sort of funny....in a rubber-necking car crash kind of way.  Ok, so instead of voting for themselves as the weakest link, Cancer, Crystal and Ken decide first that Kelly needs to go....but then realize that Sugar Spice probably has the immunity idol by now....and Jacquie is more likely to align herself with Ace and Sugar than Kelly would be....so Jacquie clearly must go despite the fact that she was great in the challenge and Kelly is really annoying.  Matty Patty doesn't like the idea at all and fesses up to Jacquie.  Jacquie goes to Crystal to plead her case, and almost sways her.  Almost.

 

Now it's time for Tribal Council.  Matty Patty and Cancer decide that the strongest players need to stick around.  Ken says he can't trust any of the new members (even though he has another crush, this one is on Kelly....why does he pick the bitchiest women on the tribe?).  Ace of course agrees that the tribe needs to keep its strongest players.  Jacquie pleads her case....and Kelly <shaking my head>, brilliant Kelly picks now to throw Ken and Crystal to the wolves by pointing out they are 'weaker' than her.  Oh....oh ho ho ho....really?  Some people just cannot keep their mouths shut at tribal council, it's like Jeffy poo has this mesmerizing trance-like effect on people.  Heeheehee...well, I can sort of understand that.  Indignant Crystal swears that she was trying to swim in the challenge, the boat just wasn't going anywhere....uh huh.  Ok.  Anyway, now it's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  So they voted off Jacquie.  Because they're a terrible tribe and insist on self-destruction, despite the Producers best attempt to shake things up....it's still Teeth.  Bye bye Jacquie.  Sugar Spice will be taking your place. 

 

I'll try to be on time this week, people.

Later,

Heather

Ok....now.....obviously there is a story behind the title of this blog and if you will indulge me a little story-telling time, I'll tell you all about it.  I am working in the beautiful and civil Howard County right now.  Howard County is sort of unique in that they kind of hide all the important stuff, meaning if you are looking for a grocery store or a restaurant, it won't be on any main drags.  It will be hidden behind a line of trees or a small forest.  My coworker put it very succinctly - "It's like they're saying 'you're not welcome here.'"  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Which is obviously true.  The hiding of important stores has one glaring exception that I see every single day on my commute to and from the new job site.  The store is some local hardware store and they have this sign in their parking lot very reminiscent of one of those church signs...you know the ones with a new slogan on it every week.  You know, those witty little sayings...some of them are funny like - "Are you wrinkled with burden?  Come on in for a faith lift."  Some of them are kind of disconcerting like - "Read the Bible...It will scare the hell out of you."  !!!!  Regardless though, I always read them.  And the hardware store sign is a lot like those church signs.  This week though I nearly drove off the road when I saw the sign they had up.  And yes, I posted the picture I took when I pulled over to recover from my jiggly giggly belly laughing.  "We Have Solar Clothes Dryers"  Just think about that for a moment, gentle reader.  A solar clothes dryer......you mean.....like......the SUN?  The sun is on sale this week for three easy payments of $99.95.  Get yours while supplies last.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  The sun?  Ok....so after I stopped giggling, naturally I got out of the car and walked into this little hardware store and announced to the first person I saw that I demand to know where these magical clothes dryers are....the lady seemed very happy that I mentioned the sign and it was quite obvious, having come from work, that the sign was probably the only reason I stopped here.  So, we're wandering around the store and I'm getting high on that hardware fume smell...you know that mixture of lawn chemicals and nails and wood.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....so the Lady walks me up Aisle 4 and says 'Here we are..." pointing at....I am not kidding....a clothesline.  Yup.  Basically a string you attach from your house to a tree or some similar set-up....and so I go, because I'm an evil evil person wrinkled by burden, 'Ohhhhhhh, you mean...the sun dries your clothes....I get it.'  I said this in the most serious voice I could muster and looked this Lady right in the eye.  She had the most elated look on her face, full of triumph at her witty witty sign...since it was becoming more and more obvious that she was the one who thought of it.  'YES!!' she says to me.  So people, please remember - We don't change the message.  The message changes us.

 

Now on to Survivor.  Trouncing prouncing Survivor.  So the Tooth Team is back from tribal council and everyone is kind of depressed.  Well, of course you are losers.  What do you expect.  The Wedding Hater points out that everyone on his team is an idiot and they have no chance of winning anything.  <smile>  He is a ray of sunshine, isn't he?  Now the Wedding Hater points out that on Day 7, they are already running out of rice because the kids decided they needed three meals a day.  Three meals a day!?!?  What do they think this is?!?!  Prison!?!?!  Come on people....this is Survivor....you're supposed to be slowly starving to death....you're supposed to come home thirty to fifty pounds lighter with all your bones poking through your skin.  Forget Biggest Loser.  Just put those families out here in the jungle with a pot of rice and a fishing pole.  I'll bet they lose the weight just as fast.  So the Wedding Hater suggests to the Teeth that they cut back to two meals a day and GC is like, oh no...I'm not sacrificing for the wasteful ways of people on the first few days.  <long pause>  Where is the logic in that statement?  Could someone explain to me how this man's brain is working?  You don't want to sacrifice?  Except of course you'll be out a rice completely in another week at the rate you're going and then you'll be starving to death.  <shaking my head>  What a moron.  So then GC is confronting the Wedding Hater, accusing him of wanting to be the new leader.  Yeah, because you bailed on everyone GC.  And the Wedding Hater is like, get out of my face already.  GC is annoying me.

 

Over at Coca Cola and Ace and Sugar Spice are all buddy buddy.  Paloma is very bitter about this and is going on about how Ace is trying to run everything and be the King.  Hey baby, it's good to be the king.  It's time for the Reward Challenge and Ace suggests that they put in their weaker players today, so they have their stronger players for the Immunity.  I think it's a good idea...but giving away momentum has never worked out for anyone in the past...unless he just wants to go to Exile.  So the challenge is holding on to a big pole in the ground while two members of the other tribe try to rip you off and drag you over the finish line.  Very jungle-Survivor-basic instinct type of challenge.  Kill or be killed.  Coca Cola gets the first point because Ace was literally glued to that pole.  Then Ace decides that Paloma is the next up to be on the pole.  And yeah....there really is no way to describe this challenge that doesn't make it sound like it's taking place in a strip club.  So Paloma....little tiny miniscule Paloma is up next and she really doesn't stand a chance.  Point 2 goes to Team Tooth.  Ace and 'Finding Himself' Dan are up again for the last point....they must be tired.  And it is very close but after lots of tugging and yelling and grunting and body slamming and contorting of the joints...and dragging and clawing and yelling some more...the Teeth pull out a victory.  The Olympian is crying, everyone is happy.  Oh...they won blankets and pillows.  And they decide to send Sugar Spice to Exile, she says it's because they think she's dumb.  Ok sweetie...we'll see.

 

After the Teeth do their happy victory dance, we cut back to the new losers.  Ace is telling everyone it was a strategic withdrawal.  Good one...it's totally different now.  You're not losers...you're withdrawers.  Or withdrawals.  Oh, nevermind.  So Ace is chatting with Hollywood and says that Paloma has to go...I guess those evil death stares she's been giving him have started boring holes in his back and he's tired of it...Sugar Spice has made her way to Exile and of course picks the Clue and heads off in to the jungle.  I guess she went through the lake first, but they didn't show that.  Then she gets attacked by killer jungle bugs and goes a little crazy and then starts crying into the camera about her daddy who recently died.  No no no no no no no....we don't get sob stories on this show.  I am not interested in feeling sorry for a blonde retro pin-up model.  But the fact that she is lost in the jungle does make me smile.  Then suddenly she's not lost anymore and she has found the mystery sand crater.  So she starts poking around and finds the next clue.  And then the next one.  And the next one.  For the last clue, she has to wade through this disgusting water that looks like it must be full of leeches and crocodiles and monsters.  But in the end it was worth all of her annoying shrieking because she found the Idol!!!  Well, you go girl....I really didn't think you had it in you.

 

Back at Coca Cola and Orville appears to be some kind of swing vote...but not really...because I think the Large Onion Alliance still has more numbers than the other people, but whatever.  Ace tells Orville it should be Paloma and then Corinne tells Orville not to worry about it, her alliance has the numbers.  Now it's time for the Immunity challenge.  It's the Slip N' Slide challenge.  Slide down a mountain into the water and swim to get tiles.  Bring back all the tiles and then some other tribe member solves the riddle, get's the code for the treasure chest, unlocks the chest to get the hatchet and cuts the rope which raises their tribe flag and they win.  Sounds pretty straight forward, right?  Ok, so first the Teeth have the lead, and then Coca Cola.  It all comes down to the Game and Orville and who can solve the puzzle faster.  The Game wins for the Teeth.  I don't know how to describe this more dramatically.  So anyway, the Teeth are on a roll.  The momentum has clearly changed and now one of the Cokes has to go.

 

Back at Coca Cola and Paloma informs us that she is a predator who watches....and watches....and then prounces.  Really Paloma?  Prounces?  I'm pretty sure that's not a word.  I can't stand it when people make up words without knowing they're doing it.  I mean come on....prounces?  So anyway, after she gets done with her prouncing which involves lots of complaining and whiny voices to Corinne about how Ace is the devil and he's got to go, we're over to Happy talking about trouncing and now I feel like beating my head into a wall.  What is this?  Dr. Seuss?  Prouncing and trouncing and oh the places you'll go.  <shaking my head>  Corinne thinks Ace's accent is fake too, by the way.  Just thought I would mention that.  Why is it that we always assume the Brits are using fake accents....and why is it that they can do American accents so convincingly?  Weird.  Anyway, it doesn't seem to me like Ace is working hard enough to make sure people are not conniving behind his back...he's overconfident.  And that never bodes well, just ask Ozzy.

 

Here's Jeffy poo and immediately Paloma makes herself look like an ass.  Jeffy makes his incredulous faces at her, not even trying to hide the fact that he thinks she's off her rocker.  She says she's not going to worship King Ace and lots of other dumb things.  Kelly says he's condescending...I think that's Kelly...this is like the first time she has talked on the show.  So it's time to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  And the votes go back and forth between Ace and Paloma two times and Ace looks worried (finally!) but for no reason because the rest of the votes are for Paloma and that highly irritating Minnie Mouse voice of hers.  I hope I don't sound like that, but I probably do...I hope that was a wake-up call for Ace.  But I like the fact that the teams seem more even now....that's a good thing.  It's always more interesting when things aren't as lopsided as they were last season.  More Survivor, next week.  Stay tuned for the Veep Debate where they will discuss whether America can deregulate the sun and make our solar clothes dryers less expensive.  <evil grin>

 

Later gators,

Heather

It's time.  Time for the glorious dramatic entertainment of watching stranded starving people going slowly insane....otherwise known as Survivor.  Which is easier to put on a t-shirt.  That Mark Burnett is a GENIUS!!  This is Season 16.  Believe it or not, this show has survived (Haha...get it?  Get it?) for 16 long seasons...which either tells you something about how good the show is....or about how inherently sadistic humans actually are in the comfort of their own homes.  This year the tribes are in Gabon, which is in Africa.  The armpit of Africa to be more descriptive, but also referred to as Earth's Last Eden.  Which is, again...a much nicer way of putting it.  If you're wondering why your memory of the last Survivor Africa season is hazy, let me explain.  The last time Survivor was filmed in Africa, Kenya to be exact, was 2001.  It premiered in October.  Your focus was probably somewhere else at the time.

 

So we're back in Africa for 39 days.  18 contestants.  1 survivor.  Oh.....that's just awesome.  And yes, Jeffy poo is still quite adorable.  And yes, he did win the first Emmy for best reality show host.  Because he's awesome.  I mean seriously, how can you not vote for those dimples?  So the contestants are walking through the Gabon landscape which of course gives us our first chance to give them a once over.  Who is going to be super annoying?  Who is going to waste away?  Who won't be able to keep their mouth shut?  Who am I going to be rooting for?  So Jeffy says hello when they get to wherever they were going and says ok, everyone introduce yourself and tell us what you do for a living.  Hmmm...they don't normally do this.  So, they go through and say who they are and here are my first impressions - Bob looks like Orville Redenbacher, Charlie is quite flamboyant, Ace has a weird British accent, Marcus looks like an actor, Ken is the biggest dork, Michelle aka the girl in purple looks like a firecracker, and there are automatically big question marks next to Matty and Sugar just for asking to be called such ridiculous names.  There are more people obviously...but these were the only ones that stood out right away.  Jeffy says the old people get to pick the tribes...you know cause they're old and this may be the only thing they get to do on this show before they're voted out.  So Orville and Gillian (another accent, I looked up her bio and she's from South Africa) get to pick the first members of their teams and the picked people get to pick and so on. 

 

The team names, as usual, are local ethnic groups Kota and Fang (pronounced Fawn)....but that is soooooooooooooooooo boring.  So lets call them Coca Cola and Tooth.  Hahahaha...I'll probably rename them every week just to annoy you guys.  Anyway, here are the teams everybody ended up on -

 

Orville (Bob), Baldy (Ace), Spice (Sugar), Hollywood (Marcus), Happy (Charlie), Paloma, Kelly, Jacquie, and Cutthroat (Corinne) are on the Coca Cola team.  Gillian, Olympian (Crystal), Susie, Peppermint Patty (Matty), Wedding Hater (Randy), Finding Myself (Dan), GC (Danny), The Game (Ken), and Purple Chip (Michelle).  So right off the bat, the tribes have to run across the country and up a mountain.  The first person from each tribe to make it to the top gets immunity, BUT the first whole team to the top gets a big bag of beans and corn.  HAHAHAHA!!  OOOOoooOOOOOOO....beans and corn!!  So off they go and obviously Gillian is in last.  GC and Marcus are in the lead, but Coca Cola is doing better.  Cola ends up winning the beans and corn because Gillian and the Olympian slowed everything down.  Yeah....Crystal blamed her dress and her shoes on the fact that she couldn't get up the mountain.... pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ok.  Jeffy points out, in his charming diplomatic way, how much the Tooth team sucks.  And then they're all of to their campsites.

 

Coca Cola finds their camp and some gross looking huts.  Bob the Builder, aka Orville, jumps up on the roof and starts fixing it.  Then he makes a bench.  Then he makes a carport for his bamboo vehicle.  I keeeed, I keeeeed. But seriously, Orville is holding his own here and not in one of those demeaning physics teacher ways...of course the producers spend no time delving into why Orville is NOT annoying...let's move on to people who are annoying....hello Tooth team.  Gillian tells everyone to find some elephant poop so they can burn it.  Woohoo, sounds like a good time out in the safari.  She's already wearing on people with her cheerleading...which can be annoying, especially to people who don't like people...like Randy.  The Gamer informs us that he hasn't kissed a girl since high school.  <long pause>  And he likes the Purple Chip (chip on her shoulder) who thinks everyone pretty much sucks.  She already hates her team for picking her last and think they're a bunch of morons.  Wow...she's got to be the life of every party...

 

Back at Coca Cola, and Ace is telling people what to do around camp.  Some people think it's annoying....but come on!!  He knows what to do, he looks good bald, and that accent.  Oh my.  I don't care if it is fake...which it might be....but seriously, oh my.  Cut to Happy hitting on Hollywood....oh dear.  Hollywood explains to the camera that he doesn't "roll" that way.  Hahaha...I don't think Happy cares too much, he is obviously infatuated.  Back at Team Tooth, elephants nearly stampede the camp in the middle of the night...probably because Gollian was stealing their poop.  The Wedding Hater gets up and because he has so much bad karma for being anti-marriage he clocks his noggin on a low-hanging branch and now has a gaping head wound.  Ok, ok...so it wasn't really gaping, but he was bleeding all over the place...but everyone knows that head wounds bleed excessively.  Gillian, who is a nurse, is content with letting him bleed to death.  But someone calls the Medical Team.  He gets like one stitch and this huge ridiculous bandage and a warning about infection.  That was fun.  In the morning, the Purple Chip is freezing to death because she is too skinny to survive in the wild.  Here's a tip to all you skinny Survivor wannabes...you really need to eat a few cheeseburgers before going on the show.  Now it's challenge time for immunity.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

 

Ace does yoga in his underwear.  The Hubby pointed out that other people were doing yoga too....ok.  So, most of the tribe gets chained together and has to run through an obstacle course, and dig up bags of puzzle pieces and the rest of the team has to put the puzzle together to win.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  I am quite certain I would be a puzzle player if I was on Survivor.  You know, you have obstacle course players and puzzle players.  Me?  Puzzles.  Not so much running and jumping and climbing and digging.  Yeah....give me some jumbo sized wooden puzzle pieces and I'm good.  The teams are pretty much neck and neck...when they get to the digging part though, the Tooth Team just fizzles out completely.  Should have done some yoga.....Gillian will not stop rooting her team on even when it is clearly obvious, even to the lurking wildlife, that they are going to lose.  Jeffy even tells her to put it in the "deep freeze".  <chuckle>  He's so cute...I mean funny.  He's so funny.  He points out again what losers Team Tooth are and sends them on their way.  So tribal council is between the Purple Chip and Gillian.  I know it's pretty easy for me to sit here and say....Purple Chip?  What a dumb choice!!  She's good at the challenges and everyone hates her.  You always keep people around that have no social skills.  They're perfect to go up against in the end.  But seriously....Purple Chip was so annoying, I kind of understand this.  And then at the actual tribal council...she basically tells everyone how dumb they are....nice.  Jeffy goes to tally the votes and here come those words we all know and love - Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  It's Purple Chip, but we all knew that.  Oh, and Team Tooth picked GC as their sacrificial "leader". 

 

Let's go back to Coca Cola.  Orville continues to justify his existence by creating fire.  Happy is falling in love with Hollywood on their boat trip to discuss the Large Onion Alliance.  No joke, Hollywood compared an alliance to an onion and called Happy his inner layer.  Or circle.  Or layer...I don't know, I was laughing too hard at the stupid analogy.  Apparently Happy and Hollywood want Corinne and Jacquie to be in their Onion.  Back at Team Tooth and GC attempts to treat camp like his maintenance job, chirping out work orders for everyone.  The Wedding Hater always seems to have this dazed look on his face...I guess in lieu of actually saying out loud he thinks you're stupid, he just looks like he thinks you're stupid.  The Gamer collects grass to make a mattress....a little late Gamer, Purple is already gone.

 

Corinne agrees to be in the Onion and suggests Orville be included too.  I know....let's include the whole team in the Onion!!  That would be a great secret alliance!!  <shaking my head>  Back at Team Tooth, where all the drama appears to be happening, everyone is snoring through the night.  So GC gets up and starts making all kinds of noise...so other people get up and make more noise.  Gillian is up in the wee hours of the morning and is complaining that these people are "blah blah blahing".  Is that like 'yada yada yada'?  So GC uses this confrontation from the exceedingly intimidating granny type to abandon his leadership role and blame everyone else for ganging up on him.  His reaction was totally ridiculous, but may have been the only way to get out of that responsibility...so good for you GC.  Let the team go down in flames...and hope you last to the merge.  Good strategy.

 

Time for another Immunity challenge, so Team Tooth decides to paint their faces with the charcoal from the elephant poop fire.  Hmmmmmm...ok.  This is the Big Balls challenge.  Rolling balls through gates and then standing on the balls to get keys to unlock the last gate to get to the finish line.  Sounds like fun.  It's a very close race and Team Tooth never gave up, but Coca Cola beat them by a few seconds.  They get fishing gear for their prize, get immunity and get to send one of the Teeth to exile island.  Here's where they lose me - they picked Dan.  You know....the one "finding himself".  What huh????  Why wouldn't you send someone likely to get voted off?  Then no one would have the clue!!!  See, I could play this game.

 

So they show us Coca Cola and their vistory dance for about three seconds.  Yeah, they're great and they are clearly going to dominate everything.  Back to the losers.  Dan finds himself at exile island where he has to make a choice - Comfort or Clue.  He gets an apple (which does not sound very "comforting" to me) or he gets a clue to the immunity idol.  Of course his picks the clue because he's not really starving yet and the clue says 'across the lake, at the bottom of a sandy crater.  So naturally, he begins looking under water.  <long pause>  Then....he starts digging in the middle of a field.  Oh dear Jesus....this guy was a lawyer?  Was a lawyer.....no wonder he's trying to find himself.....probably didn't know he could lose himself until he did.  Needless to say, Dan finds nothing....including himself.  Back at camp and Gillian is trying to cheerlead all the losers.  Give it up Gillian.  Clearly that approach is not working one little bit.  So Crystal, Gamer and Matty Patty all think Gillian should go and Gillian and Susie think Gamer should go.  Then Dan gets back and everyone thinks he's acting strange.  Yeah.  Because he IS STRANGE!!  Look at those buggy eyes....of course he's weirding everybody out!!  Because he's creepy.  Seriously, if the Teeth boot out another strong player for no reason...I will laugh derisively at their slow and inevitable self-destruction. 

 

At tribal council and they're all talking about leaders again.  Dan is wearing a tie.  <shaking my head>  Really Dan?  A tie?  GC says they don't need a leader.  I agree....none of these people should lead anything.  Then everyone talks about how Dan might have the idol and so he dumps out all of his stuff on the ground to prove he doesn't have it.  Ok, ok, ok.  But since we're Americans, infallible proof offered in our faces still may not be enough to convince us that he doesn't have the idol.  Anyway, it's time for these losers to vote.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  It's Gillian.  I'll save you the suspense.  At least they didn't vote out Dan...I could have maybe understand Game because he may be even more skinny than Purple Chip was....but not Dan, even if he is creepy.  The agism seems to affect the women more than the men on this show.  Yau and Orville are good examples....,but there is absolutely no way that Orville is 57....come on, he looks 83.  So anyway, that was the first two episodes.  It was great, as usual.  Can't wait until next week.

 

Later gators,

Heather