Yeah, yeah, yeah...already behind and only episode two.  It's not like I get paid for this or anybody reads it consistently enough to notice.  <smile>  Thanks for all the gentle reminders and subtle threats, everybody.  I feel so loved.  So the episode starts off with the Jerk talking it up with Copper about her smack talking during the first tribal council....you know when she said she didn't trust him.  <chuckle>  This guy is a huge control junkie.  She says we can still talk even though I don't trust you and he's like ok but you see what happened to the last dumb ass girl that stood up against me...Copper, now might not be the best time to stick your neck out there.

 

Then Sweater Vest agrees to allign himself with the Jerk...because you really have to be in an alliance with somebody.  Then the Jerk starts going on and on about the hidden immunity idol.  I think he's a moron for bringing it up because no one has even said there is one.  Sweater Vest thinks he's a moron for bringing it up.  And admit it, so did you.  So what does he do?  Yup, he finds it.  Without any clues, under everybody's nose.  He's rooting around in a tree trunk in the middle of camp like a freak and again....nobody asks a single freaking question about what the hell the guy is doing down there.  So he hides it in his drawers and then tells Sweater Vest about it the first chance he gets.  <shaking my head>  I hate him more because he's stupidly lucky. 

 

Over at Glue we get to meet another Sucker, I mean Survivor...and that would be Yasmin.  Like Jasmine...but not.  She's complaining like I would be.  About how much she hates nature and it's so uncomfortable and blah blah blah.  Here's how she and I are different - I did not voluntarily let them strand me on an island out in the middle of NOWHERE.  You idiot.  Stop complaining.  It's a million bucks.  They're not gonna just give it to you! 

 

Time for the Reward Challenge.  Kind of rugby, except the guys aren't as hot and there are girls.  And the rules are don't do anything Jeffy poo thinks is a cheap shot.  Three people in the pit from each team fight for balls which they throw up to three other members who have to shoot the balls to the opposite side of the pit into baskets.  Skull cracking violence ensues until Jeffy poo ejects Country Boy for tripping the lawyer....which basically caused Foo Foo to lose because they were down a person in the rest of the challenge.  Although Sweater Vest did put on a valiant effort.

 

The Fat Chef was apparently too fat for the challenge and suffered from extremely low blood pressure afterwards.  The Medical people....who always seem to have an Australian accent for some reason...pulled him from the game.  That was kind of too bad but he probably would have been voted out next anyway.  And I'm thinking ok, that's it for the week right?  Oh no, Jeffy poo says you're still voting someone out Foo Foo.  See you at Tribal.

 

Cut back over to Glue, who hasn't gotten a whole lot of air time since they don't suck so much.  They won some fishing gear in the challenge so Shambo takes it out for a spin.  Except of course she can't really use it, doesn't catch anything even though she's out in the ocean for hours and also ends up breaking the snorkel mask.  Not normally a devastating event but this is Survivor Land.  She may as well have peed in the water well.  The other twist in this season is the winning tribe gets to send someone from their tribe to the losing tribe to 'observe' until tribal council.  So the Lawyer Leader of Glue sends nature-hating Jasmine with a 'Y' over to Foo Foo. 

 

I don't like her.  She immediately starts patronizing the losers and if this had intentionally been to demoralize them, good on ya.  But it wasn't.  She seriously thought she was doing some good.  I hate people who cannot read reactions in other people, or who are purposefully oblivious to it.  We emote.  It's one of our gifts as humans.  Take advantage, you nincompoops.  So anyway, nobody at Foo Foo likes her either, especially Country Boy.  She immediately tells him she needs to talk to him and then confronts him with accusations about tripping a girl (that would be her) during the reward challenge.  Or actually she made it sound like he body slammed her into a concrete floor and then smacked a chair across her back.  He, rather unfortunately, attempted to use logic and reason to point out that it was a competition and she was a threat to his competitors.  No, no, no....Country Boy she was just looking for an apology.  Sometimes women just want you to apologize, even if you're right.  Being right is sometimes irrelevant, we just want an apology.  Don't ask for what, it's for whatever reason our scary minds have conjured up and there is no way you will be able to understand so don't ask.  Just apologize.  He didn't and then it got ugly.  A screaming match later and Country Boy was calling her ghetto trash and making fun of her grammar....which I know I do to people too but will never do again because dear Lord did he sound like a snob.

 

So the Editors try to make it look like there's a chance Country Boy will be going home, because he's a trouble maker and he was chopping wood in the middle of the night waking everybody up....big no no on Survivor.  Any fan would know that.  But he's not going home.  It's obviously Copper.  During Tribal Council she points out that she was the only one to bring her bags....a good sign you're going home.  Jeffy poo makes them vote anyway.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  And of course it's Copper.  So the two old farts are off of Foo Foo....and the Jerk is an early favorite to go far in this game.  And that makes me clench my fists in fury over the unfairness of it all...I am personally rooting for Sweater Vest.  And maybe next week we'll get to meet the rest of the cast that is apparently too boring to get on TV...I might get this week's episode recap done in a more timely fashion and then again I might not.  Hold yourselves together, I haven't forgotten about anything.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

There’s a chill in the air.  It’s already dark outside.  Fantasy football things are lying all over the coffee table.  The Pumpkin has her normal look of apathy as she hangs her ever widening girth precariously over the edge of the sofa.  The Hubby is grumbling about all his aches and pains.  It sounds like any other Thursday night….except of course it’s not.  Tonight it starts.  Survivor.  I am so starved for some good reality TV, I am practically jumping up and down.  Practically.  I did watch Big Brother (glad that Jordo won) but it’s not the same.  Survivor is the ultimate of ultimate.  I mean……they’re on an island for crying out loud.  Out in the middle of NO WHERE.  In NATURE.  <shiver>  It’s more fun than anything watching these people go all Lord of the Flies, waste away and scheme and plan.  Almost as much fun as it is to watch Jeffy Poo interrogate them and make fun of them and patronize them.  This is Season 19, in case you’re keeping track and we have seen every single episode of this show and so let’s keep the trend going.

 

The Hubby has recently developed a rather annoying habit of talking through shows and then rewinding the DVR.  I imagine this will be part of my Hell when I get there…he has become entirely too comfortable with my level of patient acceptance.  Anyhoo, this season the kiddies are in Samoa.  Samoa is about halfway between Hawaii and New Zealand.  We start the show with these suckers paddling in from the middle of the ocean…I guess they just dumped them off somewhere.  They are already divided up into two teams – Yellow and Purple.  Yes the teams have names and no I don’t really know how to spell them.  The purples sounded like Glue. And the yellows sounded like Foofoo.  So that’s what they are from now on. 

 

20 people to start off with…that feels like a lot for some reason.  Is it always 20?  Maybe less.  Anyway, there’s Hat Man, Copper, the Marine Mullet, and Buzzcut all talking about how they’re so happy to be here, blah blah blah.  Now they land on the beach and here’s Jeffy poo looking adorable as usual.  So the teams have to pick a leader right away, before they even know everybody’s names.  So Glue picks Dreads to be their leader.  He’s a lawyer…so I’m not sure this is a good idea.  Foo Foo picks Dr. Mick and I don’t care if this is a good idea or not.  He’s very easy on the eyes.  The only thing worth mentioning about the Leader Election is that the Marine Mullet goes by the name – Shambo.  This lady is hi-larious….I hope she’s a good character.  Going through the votes we get to see more of the contestants – the Country Boy Ben, Sweater Vest, and Mareeeeeeeeeeesa. 

 

Now the Elected Target has to decide who is going to participate in the reward challenge.  Apparently they need to magically know who would be the best at what.  An impossible task, that they will undoubtedly get criticized and blamed for…..oh I love this show.  They have to pick a Swimmer, a Strongman, the Most Agile and the Smartest.  Glue picked Pretty Boy John, Buzzcut Erik, Yasmin, and Shambo.  Yes, Shambo was picked as the Smartest and she immediately started complaining that she didn’t think she was smart enough.  That's ok, hon.  We don’t think you're smart enough either.  Foo Foo picked Sweater Vest, Hat Man, Mareeeeeeeeeeeesa, and Elizabeth.  Yes Elizabeth was picked as the smartest because she’s Asian…and she seemed pretty ok with that.

 

Now, please don’t act like you weren’t surprised that Sweater Vest could swim like a dolphin…he used to play on a water polo team in college or something or whatever he said.  But he just blew away the other guy in that leg of the race.  Then they had to lift these logs to use as stepping stones.  Hat Man seems to be a little bowling ball….they both struggle but Foo Foo gets done first.  Then they have to walk across a balance beam, flashing cleavage and unwinding a key through a rope.  Then the key is used to unlock puzzle pieces which Smarty Pants has to put together.  Foo Foo led most of the time and ended up winning Fire.  Good for them, they should have won.  Jeffy poo called Glue a bunch of losers, threw a map at them and off they went.

 

Time to set up camp.  Why is this always such a cluster f?  Setting up camp seems to be the hardest thing to do….and I’m not really sure why.  You know you’re going on Survivor, right?  Wouldn’t there be a couple of things you would do beforehand to prepare yourself?  Like, learn how to start a fire, put on a little weight and I don’t know….maybe Google how to build a camp site on the beach?  That would seem a teensy bit prudent to me…So Dreads Esq. initially has everything under control over at Glue but then Pretty Boy who is apparently a real rocket scientist <chuckle> mucks everything up with his silly plans and trying to do it right.  <pshaw> Everybody starts complaining and then just gives up and goes for a swim.  Shambo is not making an effort to fit in….<shaking my head>…..

 

At Foo Foo, Ben Boy knows he knows better than anybody else knows and so he’s gonna tell everybody what he knows, ya know?  Don’t be bossing Dr. Mick around!  Ok, go ahead and do it, maybe you’ll go home first you idiot.  Then Hat Man…who is going to quickly earn a new nickname….starts making alliances with all the girls.  His ‘Dumb Ass Girl’ alliance, as he refers to it.  <sigh>  Hat Man owns an oil company and is probably in league with Lucifer.  Copper is the only girl that doesn’t seem to trust him.

 

Then it really starts.  This Huge Jerk starts lying to everyone about how he was living in N’awlins during Katrina and he was a firefighter and his dog drowned.  And nobody is asking him any questions….maybe it’s the auditor in me but I would have asked some questions.  Big Fat Liar.  And the dog dying?  That almost wasn’t fair….nobody likes hearing about a dead dog.  Even in a lie, it’s sad.  Jerkface is convinced he has everybody wrapped around his little finger.  Then he empties all the water out of the canteens.  Then he puts Sweater Vest’s socks in the fire.  <crinkled up annoyed look>  Jerky McJerkalot thinks he’s a super villain.  We shall see.  I do really hate him….so that’s a good start.

 

Time for the Immunity challenge.  Glue and Foo Foo have to hoist themselves and some rope over these big ramp structures.  Then they have to pull a big box somewhere and then the rest of the team takes apart the box and completes a puzzle.  Sounds like fun.  And by fun, I mean awful.  It is kind of fun watching them push and pull themselves over these ramps….what a mess.  Foo Foo has the lead at the puzzle stage and then Glue gets it.  Like, out of nowhere….they just got it.  And they won.  Someone from Foo Foo is going home.

 

So back at camp, the Tattooed Chef thinks he’s not the weakest player. Oh Come ONNNNNNNNNN!  You moron.  Of course you’re the weakest player.  But he pitches Ashley, this little cute blonde girl that couldn’t hurt a fly.  And Dr. Mick is totally letting me down with his gamer skills….he just agrees like a lemming.  Mareeeeeeeeeeeesa tells Jerkface she doesn’t trust him which he interprets as a threat and then he tells everyone she’s lost it, she needs to go.  Nobody seems to understand his logic, but nobody bothers to question it.  The Mob Mentality, at least it’s not me.  Again, Copper is the only one that doesn’t trust him but she won’t speak up….

 

At tribal council, Cute Ashley is like, la ti da….everything is cool, it is what it is….which Jeffy poo of course makes into a huge deal.  Copper thinks Cute Ashley is the weakest player…probably threatened by how cute she is….Jerkface makes Mareeeeeeeeeeeeeesa sound like a lunatic.  Ben Boy apparently doesn’t like her either.  She says she’s sorry for whatever she did….but honey, it’s way too late for that kind of thing.  People have already made up their minds.   Time to vote!!!!  <hehehehehehehehehehehehe>  I LOVE THIS SHOW.  Oh what I would give to be able to vote people off of my job and off the road and out of my friggin life.  That would be fantastic.  Fan friggin tastic.  The tribe has spoken mother f****r!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I am a little delirious from all the sugar I've been shoving into my mouth during this show....should probably calm down a little before I write this.......Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  It was between Mareeeeeeeeeeesa and Cute Ashley, obviously and they tried to make it as dramatic as possible….but in the end it was Mareeeeeeeeeeesa.  So sad for you.  She looked like she was going to cry.  <hehehehehehehehehehehehe>  Loser!  Can’t wait till next week when I hope we get to meet the other 13 players in this game they didn’t bother to introduce….

 

Later gators,

Heather