I don’t know how many of you watch the show Survivor, but every year I look forward to the final show where we get to hear all the sore losers on the jury whine and complain about how they’re such better people than the ones that made it to the finals.  It’s usually just one or two people who make asses of themselves…but last night, it felt like the entire friggin’ jury.  I was so annoyed by the time we found out who won (which never really matters because its never who I want to win) that I didn’t even watch the reunion show last night.  I did Tivo it…so I’ll probably watch it tonight and get just as annoyed. 

There are a few things that are essential to preparing for reality TV shows – learning how to drive a stick shift if you’re going to be on Amazing Race, making sure you know all the words to a few classic songs if you’re going to be on American Idol, and knowing how to respond to a hostile jury if you’re going to be on Survivor.  And inevitably, no one ever seems prepared for this.  So here is what I would have said.  Just in case anyone cares….

This is a game.  It’s a game, it’s a game, it’s a game.  It’s not Life.  It’s a game.  We’re all adults and I think we can tell the difference.  It’s a game called “Survivor” and that’s important.  It’s important to remind everyone that it’s called “Survivor”.  It’s not called “Exist in Civilized Society While Peacefully Cohabitating With Your Island Neighbors”.  It’s called “Survivor”.  And as much as we would all like to deny it, and the producers of this show would like to hide it, the most effective way to ensure your own survival is to take advantage of people.  Everyone who has ever won this game has done it.  Masterfully.  You take advantage of their weaknesses….and our weakness as the Human Race is so easy to identify.  Quite simply, it is our humanity.  Our sense of integrity, our sense of loyalty, our sense of morality, our sense of empathy and justice.  Every single person sitting on that jury has been taken advantage of – you trusted me.  And that was your mistake. 

It is manipulation in its basest form.  You can call it lying, you can call it betrayal, you can call it devious.  But the only reason you would give it that negative connotation, is because you wish you were me.  But look at yourselves and be honest.  Would any of you give away the million dollars if you won it?  Not a chance.  Of course you wouldn’t.  That doesn’t make you greedy.  It makes you competitive.  You’re here to help yourselves and your families and you resent the fact that I have this opportunity and you don’t.  There’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better about being a loser.  You have to live with your own failure.

I don’t have to be smart to manipulate you.  I don’t have to be a heathen.  All I have to be able to do is find your fatal flaw.  And take advantage of it.  And, probably most importantly, I have to be able to separate this game from the real world.  We all get tired and hungry and thirsty out here and we go a little crazy.  Everything becomes exaggerated, more important, more dramatic.  And we forget that we’re playing.  We convince ourselves that our own lies and alliances and manipulations are less devious than other people’s because that makes us feel better about playing.  For all of you, it was too hard to give up that part of you.  It was too hard to say to yourselves, this is a game and I can act.  It was too hard because it made you feel bad, it made you regret.  There’s nothing I can say to convince you that I am a different person than you saw in this game.

But here’s what I can say.  You lost because of your weakness, your Humanity.  And that is nothing to be ashamed of.  I wish, I hope that we all come out of this game reminded of how fragile and how precious our humanity can be, what it means to ourselves and to those around us.  It is not something to be taken lightly.  It is not a word to throw around carelessly.  It’s important because it makes us who we are, it makes us civilized.  It allows us to peacefully exist on our island in the galaxy and not just survive.

That’s what I would have said.  And everybody would have voted for me and I would be a millionaire without a doubt.  Of course, I probably couldn’t get past the whole starving to death thing….and the whole living in nature for more than a month….that would have kind of sucked.  And I get really really whiney when I’m uncomfortable.  I would like to say that my stubborn competitiveness would outweigh the whineyness….but I doubt it.  Here are some final thoughts on the show – Lisi made herself look like a total ass by asking the “Zero” question.  Alex shouldn’t be so rude because it made him sound like a jerk instead of a badass.  Boo should judge not, lest he be judged.  There is no chance Yau is only 54 (or 56) or whatever he said.  He’s more like 112.  Michelle should know that smiling while asking nasty questions makes you 10 times more evil.  Cassandra was lucky to be there.  Dreamz should have known there was no way to win after going back on that promise but I probably still would have voted for him for having the balls to do it.  Earl deserved each vote he got.  And I hope Jeff Probst never leaves the show.  Unless he ends up playing it some day…because that would be really really cool.