Are people driving much slower than normal or have I become severely retarded?  I know it’s been about a second and a half since I have complained about the driving habits of my fellow Germs or the Ballmer Balls…..but seriously?  If I don’t talk about this, there may be some serious derby car damage resulting in the very near future to the next person that decides to drive five miles an hour under the speed limit.  In front of me.  I have been stuck behind the Slowskies too many times in the last week to think it is just my bad karma catching up with me.  And then of course there was the rain….or more accurately…..the icy drops of death raining doom and destruction down on your car. So for God’s sake….for the sake of your children and all that you cherish and love….PLEASE….SLOW the F**K  DOWN.  Preferably to about 12 miles an hour which is clearly the only safe speed to drive in conditions such as these.  Retirement Plan #87 involves opening Heather’s School for Driving Like You’re Not on Meth.  I may need to do that sooner than later….in the meantime here are some quick pointers that I would like to share with you people, some wisdom I have gathered in the last decade of commuting approximately a million miles a day –

1.      Turn signals are really only worth a damn if you know how to work them.  Don’t signal left and then turn right.

2.      Of course, signaling at all would be nice…

3.      I know it says ‘Speed Limit’ and technically you would think that implies you can’t drive faster than that….but come oooooooooooooooooooon.

4.      Please show just a smidge of f**king urgency when the traffic lights are about to change.  Because I drive the same route to and from work every single day….I have it timed to perfection….and your exasperating lack of urgency to actually get through the light before it changes makes me want to beat my head into the steering wheel which never ends well for my pumpkin noggin.

5.      You do not need to look at the passenger seat to talk to that person.  Eyes on the road jackass.  That’s where the vehicular manslaughter will happen because of you not paying attention….not in the passenger seat.

6.      When the engine is running and the car is moving….that means you are now officially driving….so start acting like it.

7.      Green means go.

8.      Yellow does not mean slam on your mother-bleeping brakes.

9.      Do not ever honk at me.

10.  I appreciate that you appreciate the woofers in your car and want everyone on the entire planet to appreciate the woofers with you….but I do not want to hear the bass in your music.  Not even one little teeny tiny bit.  I do like to say the word woofer, though.  <giggle>

11.  You can see the next traffic light is red one block away….so why exactly are you tail-gating me?

12.  If you’re on the highway and you come to a gradual incline or a gentle bend in the road, this does not mean you need to slow down to half your original speed.  If you needed to slow down, the speed limit would change.  But you don’t.  Because it didn’t.  What you need to do is put your foot on the gas and grow a set of balls.

13.  Just get out of the way and let the cop pass.  They are required to take driving courses that actually teach you something.  They can drive a lot better than you and yes….since they get shot at, they get to speed.

14.  I don’t have any spidey-like depth perception…but that doesn’t mean I’m going to wait to pull out into traffic until there are absolutely zero cars in sight.  Please….if this is what you need to feel good about driving….go ahead and wait until after the zombie apocalypse is over….then you can drive again.

15.  Merging is not as hard as you clearly think it is.

16.  If you missed the exit/turn/driveway….you missed it.  It’s not my fault.  Just accept it.  God made cars that can u-turn because we are not perfect creatures. 

<sigh>  Ok…I feel a little better now.  Time for this week’s update from Audit-Land and the going out of business sale that is the State Government.  They are still paying us….but that probably won’t last much longer.  I get this gossip from the elevators and cafeteria where I clearly should not be listening to anything at all.  In my eavesdropping glory over the past several weeks, I have had occasion to witness a very unique specimen of Government Employee Types: the Absent-Minded Walker.  AMWs do not pay attention when they are walking.  They are clearly concentrating on some other aspect of their life…and not so much on getting from Point A to Point B.  AMWs are counting on you not to run into them or dump your coffee all over them.  They are counting on you to stop and step to the side as they fumble their way through the halls.  AMWs tend to travel in packs and are inevitably completely oblivious to the fact that they just ran you right off the sidewalk or into a filing cabinet.  Packs of AMWs are a hazard, plain and simple.  Nothing is safe.  Not your armful of files, your kid in the stroller or your seeing-eye dog.  AMWs are usually having a loud conversation that you will have to scream to be heard over and they usually have really annoying laughs.  They never seem to be going to the same place….which makes me think they wander the halls….aimlessly.  They may not even work in this building.  They may have accidentally wandered in during one of the eons when they were not paying attention.  And they tend to be magnetically drawn to whatever side of the hallway you are veering toward to avoid them.  Now, when an AMW knocks into you they are always real nice about it but that sorry never seems to help.  It never seems to matter at that point that he has a great smile or she looks like your best friend from college.  Too late for any forgiveness.  I know walking can be hard sometimes….but it’s still kind of necessary.  Let’s all try focusing on our walking for a day.  Focus on not running into me, knocking things out of my hands, or forcing me to pancake myself against a wall so I can stay out of your eebie geebie space bubble.  One day.  Let’s call it today.  Ballmer, the City that Walks.  T-shirts are for sale, $14.99.  Proceeds will benefit the Keep Heather Out of an Insane Asylum fund.

The Hubby offered to go grocery shopping for me last week.  After I came out of my shock-induced coma, I quickly came up with a short list that I thought he could handle pretty easily.  Item #4 on the list was conditioner.  He came home about two hours later, red in the face and sweating.  What the hell is wrong with people at that store! He screams as he throws both grocery bags onto the kitchen floor.  I smile my understanding tell-me-all-about-it smile, already knowing what he is about to say.  Who writes checks anymore?  And why are the breadcrumbs in the spice aisle, they’re not a spice?  And why do they only have two cashiers working at 5 o’clock on a Friday?  And what the hell is a bonus card?  We have like eight phone numbers, I didn’t know which one to use so I just started punching in random numbers and it worked…but what the hell is a bonus card?  And this was five for $10 so I went ahead and got five even though we use one a year.  And I can’t believe I spent $43 dollars on like seven things.  That’s ridiculous!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!  <smile>  He kept on with this monologue all the way into the family room, while he turned on the TV, while he sat on the couch.  He only stopped grumbling when PTI blipped on the DVR.  Then he was quiet.  I silently promised myself I would never let him go grocery shopping again…knowing full well he will never offer again.  I also didn’t find it necessary to point out that he picked up shampoo.  Not conditioner.  Sometimes it really is just the thought that counts.

Later gators,

Heather