A slow sunrise over the city.  Heading back to the airport with Michael Buble crooning over the speakers.  I don't want her to go.  But this is the way the world works.  Sisters get older.  Sometimes they move away.  But they never stop being a sister.  Or a friend.

 

I don't want her to go.

 

[Four days earlier]  It's the middle of the frickin' night and I am driving on rain-slicked back roads with Papa in the passenger seat thankfully not pointing out each and every time I hydroplane.  I'm anxious.  Skywalker is coming home for our birthday.  I have not seen her in a million years.  She has been living it up out in Colorado.  I am cursing the MIT nerds for still not perfecting teleportation and blabbing to Papa nonstop.  Repeating myself.  Saying stupid s**t.  It's at this exact moment I realize how much I missed her.  Faithful readers will know that we're twins.  No...that does not mean she is a doppelganger.  We do not share a brain.  I cannot feel her pain.  She's just my best friend.  That's enough for me.  That's all she ever has to be....

 

Get to stupid BWI and park, Papa reading off the quadrant we are in just in case I forget how to retrace my steps back to the car during the 20 minutes it takes to pick someone up.  <chuckle>  I poke fun at Papa, mostly because he is either completely oblivious to it or chooses to ignore me.  That's cool.  I appreciate his calmness in moments like these more than he knows.  All the coffee shops are closed which is totally ridiculous.  When could you better use a cup of steaming caffeine than in the middle of the night?  Haven't been to the airport in a while but not surprisingly they still have the Threat Level announcements broadcasting to everyone in predictable 15 minute intervals.  I don't even know what Orange means anymore.  I'm sure if it was bad...the announcement would be a little longer.  Something new that I haven't seen before was the radar with little plane icons blipping across the screen, showing you where impending arrivals are at that exact moment.  Her flight number blips up still outside of Baltimore.  Blip.  Blip.  This is like watching water boil.  Blip.  Blip. 

 

People are deplaning, so I stare because I'm bored and anxious.  Some of the freakiest weirdos deplaning here at BWI in the middle of the night, let me tell you.  My favorite was 'I'm With Stupid', huffing and puffing, sex indeterminate striding through the security gates with purposeful conviction until it saw the sign for Baggage Claim and then the inner struggle played out before my very eyes - take the escalator, take the elevator, escalator, elevator, escalator, elevator.  Stupid made a few false lunges toward the elevator and then opted for the escalator.  <shaking my head>  Ahhhh...if only that was the most difficult decision in my life right now.

 

Skywalker calls and despite the cursed time-lagging lying blipping icons, she actually has landed.  Awesome.  More awesome when I see her.  She looks happy.  And that is just frickin awesome.  I miraculously remembered where I parked the car and we head back to loverly Germantown.  Chit chat, end of a hockey game, baked ziti and off to bed because we're ancient and need as much sleep as possible.  Tomorrow is a big day.  I need to get my retarded license renewed at the retarded MVA because I'm totally retarded and totally forgot.  Great.  Also on the list of places I'd rather not hang out on my day off - the MVA.

 

They call it the 'Express' office which is just a blatant slap in the face.  Nothing works any faster, Express my ass.  MVA employees get paid bonuses the longer they take to do things.  More weirdos here to stare at.  And then just staring at the number board waiting for my number to come up.  I'm B110.  We're on B101.  B102.  G37.  What the hell?!?!  That's not even fair.  That's making up your own rules and then breaking them!  I hate this place.  Finally, it's me.  Vision test which is a total joke.  And then Speed Racer behind the counter asks if my address has changed.  Nope.  And then she goes, 5'1" and 135 pounds?  Hahahahaha...yeah sure honey.  That's hilarious.  First of all, anyone looking at this horrific picture will probably think the weight refers to the pumpkin noggin alone.  And second of all....<shaking my head>.....why in the world am I lying on my driver's license?  What kind of ridiculous denial is that?  I'm living in Fantasy Land where if the MVA stamps it into a hologram then it must be so.  Stupid...

 

Barbecue for dinner, catching up with the Parentals and then off to watch them ballroom dance.  We enjoy watching them because they have so much fun.  Not to mention they look absolutely fabulous doing it now.  Fred and Ginger.  I also enjoy the ballroom dancing scene because it is like stepping through the looking glass.  My mother asked us to be polite if anyone asked us to dance.  Uhhhhhhhhhhh...nobody told me that was a possibility.  This could end badly.  Then...just in case anyone in the entire studio missed the fact that we were there....they announce it.  With a microphone.  Fred and Ginger's kids are here.  And it's their birthday!  Oh sweet Jesus...if only I'd asked the MVA Speed Racer to put a 'graceful elegant 135' on the stupid license.  All in all a good day.  Skywalker got me a LiteBrite and a Darth Vader mug.  The Parentals got me a slicer/dicer/weapon against home intruders and some moolah for shopping (preferably for something that wasn't black).  And the Hubby announced we will be adding Cat #2 to the mix.

 

That's right ladies and gents, you heard it here first.  Pumpkin will be getting her very own sidekick to slap around.  The new addition will be Pecan.  I have decided that naming cats after pies isn't weird, it's funny.  I doubt the blood-sucking vet will agree with me...Back home after a shopping marathon and dinner again with the Parentals.  A slow Friday night, more hockey and more chatting and the Hubby decided we needed a fire.  This should be interesting considering we haven't had the chimney cleaned in several years.  I mention this and get the Man-huff that means 'do not question my judgment in matters that concern fire'.  It's never dull in our house people....at any moment the creosote coated chimney could catch fire and send flames of neglet shooting from the top of our house.  Never dull.

 

The house did not burn down and the Hubby definitely gave himself a point for correctly predicting this outcome. 

 

Saturday was more visits and more chatting and more driving to and fro and more stupid rain.  And then that slow creeping feeling that this was all almost over.  Watched some Top Chef together.  Decide that Michael is cuter than Brian even if he does seem to have anger issues.  Head off to bed early since we're ancient and need our sleep...did I mention that already?  Except I can't sleep.

 

Thanks to daylight savings magic, the drive starts out in total darkness.  Save the daylight.  The highway is empty in a way that is sort of eerie.  Not many people ever see a Sunday morning from this perspective.  The drive takes hardly a moment and we're there.  And she's heading off.  And I'm hugging her, saying take care of yourself and write to me.  Like it was just another day, except we're a little bit older and she's moved away.  And she heads back through the security gates, with a big smile.  It was the kind of smile that only truly happy people have.  It was the kind of smile you wish for everyone you love.  It was the kind of smile that was kind of contagious.  It's hard not to be happy around happy people.

 

Even when you're crying.

 

Take care of yourself.  And write to me.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

 

 

It’s raining.  Crap.  I have never hated the rain more than I do tonight.  Tonight, you see, was supposed to be the most perfect Halloween night we have had in ages.  I mean….aaaaaaaaages.  A Saturday and not frigidly cold.  It’s dark before 6 o’ clock.  And I am prepared.  Very prepared for this, my most favoritest holidays of the year.  The house is decked out in especially creepy garb this year.  I have skeletons hanging from the light outside.  My ghosties are doing their dance around the creepy tree strung with orange lights and the windows…..ahhhh….did I mention the windows.  The windows have my normal silhouette masterpiece.  I have to say, it looks totally awesome.  I limited myself to one pumpkin this year so I could spend gobs and gobs of money on candy.  Because I expect to have hundreds of little costumed freaks banging on the door all night.  I am ready.  And then it started to frackin rain.

 

<sigh>  This is no good.  No good at all.  It’s not a heavy rain, but probably enough to make the especially small ghouls and goblins cold after only an hour.  And did I mention that my neighbors are totally lacking in the spirit of things?  Yeah.  Let’s talk about my loser neighbors.  The people who never leave and can’t park their car straight have no decorations.  The drug dealer has no decorations.  The international spy has less than no decorations.  I am extremely disappointed.  How in the holy hell are any kids going to be lured into the cul de sac if only one frackin house has any lights up.  I mean, how hard is it to carve a pumpkin?  Come ON!!!

 

Please see the pictures I have added to gain a better understanding of this disaster.

 

Actually, I need to digress for a moment and point out that it actually can be difficult to carve, well not a pumpkin, but a gourd.  Gourds, I assume include acorn squash.  But I like the word gourd better.  I think if we get another cat, I’ll call it Gourd.  That would be hi-larious.  Anyhoo…I saw a few pictures of some carved acorn squash in Martha Stewart’s magazine of deceit.  And of course thought, well that looks cool, let me try it.  Which I assume is what that sadistic woman envisions everyone doing when they see her scenes from Satan.  So I bought two gourds (aka, acorn squashes), one big and one little and thought this will be so original.  I also assume that you can gut a squash like you can gut a pumpkin…most likely because I have never cut up a squash before.  My mother cooks squash and cooks it well.  The Hubby would never eat something orange unless it was deep fat fried in beer batter so I don’t bother cooking it myself.  I lopped off the top of the gourds and much to my dismay….they are not hollow.  Do not laugh at me, gentle reader…seriously…how was I supposed to know this?  Here’s the more important question…how the frack did the Martha Stewart She-Devil get those pictures of what appear to be hollowed out gourds?  I have added them as well for your pondering.  My best guess is that she has sold her soul and can manipulate matter with her mystical powers from the netherworld.  That…or photoshop.

 

So, back to the night in question.  I have parked myself next to the front door in the delusion that some kids may still be coming by.  The door bell is broken so I hung a sign that explains the kids have to knock.  Kids of course have no idea how loud a knocker is on the inside of the house and so they will invariably be banging it with all the strength their twiggy little arms can muster.  My little waiting station is stocked.  I have my laptop hooked up with Shaun of the Dead playing.  A grown up drink ready to be slurped down, pigs in a blanket baking in the oven, a fan, a chair to put my feet up on, a camera (you never know when you’ll need photographic evidence a misdemeanor) and an extremely uncomfortable chair from the kitchen which is the only one I felt motivated enough to drag down the stairs.  The grown up drink is my own personal interpretation of a tequila sunrise and by interpretation, I mean of course I made it with rum because the Bacardi was on sale and let’s face it…these days….sales rule my life.  Point number 2, equally important though, good liquor will make any interpretation of any drink taste just fine.

 

The minutes are ticking by and the movie is playing and I am becoming increasingly more agitated and irritated and inebriated.  Where are all the bloody kids!  Damn it!  I have ten pounds of candy just sitting here, staring at me….goading me into eating it.  This is no good at all.  I get through a whole rum rise before the first kid starts banging on the door.  ‘Jesus Christ!’ from upstairs where the Hubby is trying to watch some college football… ‘They’re gonna break that thing down!’  I chuckle because he has never been that into this holiday and he mocks my efforts to overdose the neighborhood on sugar.  I am however, glad he has some sports to watch tonight so that he doesn’t have to wait on me.  The Pumpkin who has been stalking around my little station trying to convince me with her psychic mind tricks that she needs a pig in a blanket or she will starve to death, goes streaking up the stairs.  She does not enjoy visitors, especially ones that are lower to the ground than me. 

 

The kids are adorable of course, with their TRICK OR TREATs and their thank yous and their little costumes.  Lots of Michael Jacksons this year.  But they are coming very few and far between.  I cut off the normal-two-to-a-kid rule way earlier into the night than normal and I start telling the greedy little sugar monsters to take handfuls.  Alas, I am sitting here now at 9pm….which is the witching hour for the little ones….with bags of the diabetic coma inducing crap.  This is no good.  I even walk outside to see if I can scope any impending visits and banging on the door….and much to my dismay, the neighborhood has gone dark.  All my loser neighbors have turned their lights out.  What is THIS?!?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Now there is no chance any kids will be coming down here…

 

The pizza bagels are out.  It’s 9:08 and the door starts banging.  Time for the teenagers and their not really costume costumes.  Their handfuls are, thankfully, much bigger than the little ones.  So half the bowl goes in one visit.  Fabulous, there is still hope that I will not be forced to consume what is left of the chocolate.  The Hubby, who is a freak from outer space if I have never mentioned that before, doesn’t really like candy.  I know.  I think he must have been dropped on his head as a baby.  Time for another rum rise and the door bangs again…I’m almost sure I’ve seen one of these kids earlier in the night and I don’t even care.  Take as much as you want.  The Hubby is falling asleep watching the World Series be delayed.  I usually wait until 9:30 to stop handing out candy.  Maybe I should just put the rest of it out on the doorstep.  I’m sure somebody will take it….

 

Yeah, so I considered that for all of three seconds before a Reeses peanut butter cup (which was made by the devil) beckons me.  I have now eaten so much sugar I feel like vomiting all over the cat who is giving me her usual look of apathy.  All in all the night was a total disaster…too much candy left.  Not enough kiddies.  No tricking and not really treating.  The Hubby is snoring on the coach now…I guess baseball does that to some people.  So I figure I can watch Saw III on the dvr upstairs, with the rest of the pizza bagels….and a few more goobers….and lemonheads….and maybe a snickers.  Or two.

 

Happy Halloween gators,

Heather

Yeah, yeah, yeah...already behind and only episode two.  It's not like I get paid for this or anybody reads it consistently enough to notice.  <smile>  Thanks for all the gentle reminders and subtle threats, everybody.  I feel so loved.  So the episode starts off with the Jerk talking it up with Copper about her smack talking during the first tribal council....you know when she said she didn't trust him.  <chuckle>  This guy is a huge control junkie.  She says we can still talk even though I don't trust you and he's like ok but you see what happened to the last dumb ass girl that stood up against me...Copper, now might not be the best time to stick your neck out there.

 

Then Sweater Vest agrees to allign himself with the Jerk...because you really have to be in an alliance with somebody.  Then the Jerk starts going on and on about the hidden immunity idol.  I think he's a moron for bringing it up because no one has even said there is one.  Sweater Vest thinks he's a moron for bringing it up.  And admit it, so did you.  So what does he do?  Yup, he finds it.  Without any clues, under everybody's nose.  He's rooting around in a tree trunk in the middle of camp like a freak and again....nobody asks a single freaking question about what the hell the guy is doing down there.  So he hides it in his drawers and then tells Sweater Vest about it the first chance he gets.  <shaking my head>  I hate him more because he's stupidly lucky. 

 

Over at Glue we get to meet another Sucker, I mean Survivor...and that would be Yasmin.  Like Jasmine...but not.  She's complaining like I would be.  About how much she hates nature and it's so uncomfortable and blah blah blah.  Here's how she and I are different - I did not voluntarily let them strand me on an island out in the middle of NOWHERE.  You idiot.  Stop complaining.  It's a million bucks.  They're not gonna just give it to you! 

 

Time for the Reward Challenge.  Kind of rugby, except the guys aren't as hot and there are girls.  And the rules are don't do anything Jeffy poo thinks is a cheap shot.  Three people in the pit from each team fight for balls which they throw up to three other members who have to shoot the balls to the opposite side of the pit into baskets.  Skull cracking violence ensues until Jeffy poo ejects Country Boy for tripping the lawyer....which basically caused Foo Foo to lose because they were down a person in the rest of the challenge.  Although Sweater Vest did put on a valiant effort.

 

The Fat Chef was apparently too fat for the challenge and suffered from extremely low blood pressure afterwards.  The Medical people....who always seem to have an Australian accent for some reason...pulled him from the game.  That was kind of too bad but he probably would have been voted out next anyway.  And I'm thinking ok, that's it for the week right?  Oh no, Jeffy poo says you're still voting someone out Foo Foo.  See you at Tribal.

 

Cut back over to Glue, who hasn't gotten a whole lot of air time since they don't suck so much.  They won some fishing gear in the challenge so Shambo takes it out for a spin.  Except of course she can't really use it, doesn't catch anything even though she's out in the ocean for hours and also ends up breaking the snorkel mask.  Not normally a devastating event but this is Survivor Land.  She may as well have peed in the water well.  The other twist in this season is the winning tribe gets to send someone from their tribe to the losing tribe to 'observe' until tribal council.  So the Lawyer Leader of Glue sends nature-hating Jasmine with a 'Y' over to Foo Foo. 

 

I don't like her.  She immediately starts patronizing the losers and if this had intentionally been to demoralize them, good on ya.  But it wasn't.  She seriously thought she was doing some good.  I hate people who cannot read reactions in other people, or who are purposefully oblivious to it.  We emote.  It's one of our gifts as humans.  Take advantage, you nincompoops.  So anyway, nobody at Foo Foo likes her either, especially Country Boy.  She immediately tells him she needs to talk to him and then confronts him with accusations about tripping a girl (that would be her) during the reward challenge.  Or actually she made it sound like he body slammed her into a concrete floor and then smacked a chair across her back.  He, rather unfortunately, attempted to use logic and reason to point out that it was a competition and she was a threat to his competitors.  No, no, no....Country Boy she was just looking for an apology.  Sometimes women just want you to apologize, even if you're right.  Being right is sometimes irrelevant, we just want an apology.  Don't ask for what, it's for whatever reason our scary minds have conjured up and there is no way you will be able to understand so don't ask.  Just apologize.  He didn't and then it got ugly.  A screaming match later and Country Boy was calling her ghetto trash and making fun of her grammar....which I know I do to people too but will never do again because dear Lord did he sound like a snob.

 

So the Editors try to make it look like there's a chance Country Boy will be going home, because he's a trouble maker and he was chopping wood in the middle of the night waking everybody up....big no no on Survivor.  Any fan would know that.  But he's not going home.  It's obviously Copper.  During Tribal Council she points out that she was the only one to bring her bags....a good sign you're going home.  Jeffy poo makes them vote anyway.  Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  And of course it's Copper.  So the two old farts are off of Foo Foo....and the Jerk is an early favorite to go far in this game.  And that makes me clench my fists in fury over the unfairness of it all...I am personally rooting for Sweater Vest.  And maybe next week we'll get to meet the rest of the cast that is apparently too boring to get on TV...I might get this week's episode recap done in a more timely fashion and then again I might not.  Hold yourselves together, I haven't forgotten about anything.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

There’s a chill in the air.  It’s already dark outside.  Fantasy football things are lying all over the coffee table.  The Pumpkin has her normal look of apathy as she hangs her ever widening girth precariously over the edge of the sofa.  The Hubby is grumbling about all his aches and pains.  It sounds like any other Thursday night….except of course it’s not.  Tonight it starts.  Survivor.  I am so starved for some good reality TV, I am practically jumping up and down.  Practically.  I did watch Big Brother (glad that Jordo won) but it’s not the same.  Survivor is the ultimate of ultimate.  I mean……they’re on an island for crying out loud.  Out in the middle of NO WHERE.  In NATURE.  <shiver>  It’s more fun than anything watching these people go all Lord of the Flies, waste away and scheme and plan.  Almost as much fun as it is to watch Jeffy Poo interrogate them and make fun of them and patronize them.  This is Season 19, in case you’re keeping track and we have seen every single episode of this show and so let’s keep the trend going.

 

The Hubby has recently developed a rather annoying habit of talking through shows and then rewinding the DVR.  I imagine this will be part of my Hell when I get there…he has become entirely too comfortable with my level of patient acceptance.  Anyhoo, this season the kiddies are in Samoa.  Samoa is about halfway between Hawaii and New Zealand.  We start the show with these suckers paddling in from the middle of the ocean…I guess they just dumped them off somewhere.  They are already divided up into two teams – Yellow and Purple.  Yes the teams have names and no I don’t really know how to spell them.  The purples sounded like Glue. And the yellows sounded like Foofoo.  So that’s what they are from now on. 

 

20 people to start off with…that feels like a lot for some reason.  Is it always 20?  Maybe less.  Anyway, there’s Hat Man, Copper, the Marine Mullet, and Buzzcut all talking about how they’re so happy to be here, blah blah blah.  Now they land on the beach and here’s Jeffy poo looking adorable as usual.  So the teams have to pick a leader right away, before they even know everybody’s names.  So Glue picks Dreads to be their leader.  He’s a lawyer…so I’m not sure this is a good idea.  Foo Foo picks Dr. Mick and I don’t care if this is a good idea or not.  He’s very easy on the eyes.  The only thing worth mentioning about the Leader Election is that the Marine Mullet goes by the name – Shambo.  This lady is hi-larious….I hope she’s a good character.  Going through the votes we get to see more of the contestants – the Country Boy Ben, Sweater Vest, and Mareeeeeeeeeeesa. 

 

Now the Elected Target has to decide who is going to participate in the reward challenge.  Apparently they need to magically know who would be the best at what.  An impossible task, that they will undoubtedly get criticized and blamed for…..oh I love this show.  They have to pick a Swimmer, a Strongman, the Most Agile and the Smartest.  Glue picked Pretty Boy John, Buzzcut Erik, Yasmin, and Shambo.  Yes, Shambo was picked as the Smartest and she immediately started complaining that she didn’t think she was smart enough.  That's ok, hon.  We don’t think you're smart enough either.  Foo Foo picked Sweater Vest, Hat Man, Mareeeeeeeeeeeesa, and Elizabeth.  Yes Elizabeth was picked as the smartest because she’s Asian…and she seemed pretty ok with that.

 

Now, please don’t act like you weren’t surprised that Sweater Vest could swim like a dolphin…he used to play on a water polo team in college or something or whatever he said.  But he just blew away the other guy in that leg of the race.  Then they had to lift these logs to use as stepping stones.  Hat Man seems to be a little bowling ball….they both struggle but Foo Foo gets done first.  Then they have to walk across a balance beam, flashing cleavage and unwinding a key through a rope.  Then the key is used to unlock puzzle pieces which Smarty Pants has to put together.  Foo Foo led most of the time and ended up winning Fire.  Good for them, they should have won.  Jeffy poo called Glue a bunch of losers, threw a map at them and off they went.

 

Time to set up camp.  Why is this always such a cluster f?  Setting up camp seems to be the hardest thing to do….and I’m not really sure why.  You know you’re going on Survivor, right?  Wouldn’t there be a couple of things you would do beforehand to prepare yourself?  Like, learn how to start a fire, put on a little weight and I don’t know….maybe Google how to build a camp site on the beach?  That would seem a teensy bit prudent to me…So Dreads Esq. initially has everything under control over at Glue but then Pretty Boy who is apparently a real rocket scientist <chuckle> mucks everything up with his silly plans and trying to do it right.  <pshaw> Everybody starts complaining and then just gives up and goes for a swim.  Shambo is not making an effort to fit in….<shaking my head>…..

 

At Foo Foo, Ben Boy knows he knows better than anybody else knows and so he’s gonna tell everybody what he knows, ya know?  Don’t be bossing Dr. Mick around!  Ok, go ahead and do it, maybe you’ll go home first you idiot.  Then Hat Man…who is going to quickly earn a new nickname….starts making alliances with all the girls.  His ‘Dumb Ass Girl’ alliance, as he refers to it.  <sigh>  Hat Man owns an oil company and is probably in league with Lucifer.  Copper is the only girl that doesn’t seem to trust him.

 

Then it really starts.  This Huge Jerk starts lying to everyone about how he was living in N’awlins during Katrina and he was a firefighter and his dog drowned.  And nobody is asking him any questions….maybe it’s the auditor in me but I would have asked some questions.  Big Fat Liar.  And the dog dying?  That almost wasn’t fair….nobody likes hearing about a dead dog.  Even in a lie, it’s sad.  Jerkface is convinced he has everybody wrapped around his little finger.  Then he empties all the water out of the canteens.  Then he puts Sweater Vest’s socks in the fire.  <crinkled up annoyed look>  Jerky McJerkalot thinks he’s a super villain.  We shall see.  I do really hate him….so that’s a good start.

 

Time for the Immunity challenge.  Glue and Foo Foo have to hoist themselves and some rope over these big ramp structures.  Then they have to pull a big box somewhere and then the rest of the team takes apart the box and completes a puzzle.  Sounds like fun.  And by fun, I mean awful.  It is kind of fun watching them push and pull themselves over these ramps….what a mess.  Foo Foo has the lead at the puzzle stage and then Glue gets it.  Like, out of nowhere….they just got it.  And they won.  Someone from Foo Foo is going home.

 

So back at camp, the Tattooed Chef thinks he’s not the weakest player. Oh Come ONNNNNNNNNN!  You moron.  Of course you’re the weakest player.  But he pitches Ashley, this little cute blonde girl that couldn’t hurt a fly.  And Dr. Mick is totally letting me down with his gamer skills….he just agrees like a lemming.  Mareeeeeeeeeeeesa tells Jerkface she doesn’t trust him which he interprets as a threat and then he tells everyone she’s lost it, she needs to go.  Nobody seems to understand his logic, but nobody bothers to question it.  The Mob Mentality, at least it’s not me.  Again, Copper is the only one that doesn’t trust him but she won’t speak up….

 

At tribal council, Cute Ashley is like, la ti da….everything is cool, it is what it is….which Jeffy poo of course makes into a huge deal.  Copper thinks Cute Ashley is the weakest player…probably threatened by how cute she is….Jerkface makes Mareeeeeeeeeeeeeesa sound like a lunatic.  Ben Boy apparently doesn’t like her either.  She says she’s sorry for whatever she did….but honey, it’s way too late for that kind of thing.  People have already made up their minds.   Time to vote!!!!  <hehehehehehehehehehehehe>  I LOVE THIS SHOW.  Oh what I would give to be able to vote people off of my job and off the road and out of my friggin life.  That would be fantastic.  Fan friggin tastic.  The tribe has spoken mother f****r!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I am a little delirious from all the sugar I've been shoving into my mouth during this show....should probably calm down a little before I write this.......Once the votes are read, the decision is final.  The person voted out will have to leave the tribal council area immediately.  It was between Mareeeeeeeeeeesa and Cute Ashley, obviously and they tried to make it as dramatic as possible….but in the end it was Mareeeeeeeeeeesa.  So sad for you.  She looked like she was going to cry.  <hehehehehehehehehehehehe>  Loser!  Can’t wait till next week when I hope we get to meet the other 13 players in this game they didn’t bother to introduce….

 

Later gators,

Heather

Obviously I haven’t written in a while…thank you all for notifying me of this.  Some of us are not slaves to the Internet.  Although I must say, for full disclosure, Facebook has been somewhat running my life lately.  I poo pooed it for so long, thinking ‘pshaw……only teenagers get addicted to these stupid social networks.’  Oh no….not just teenagers….it’s like they friggin’ hypnotize you with all those ridiculous games you can play.  And yes, status updates are eerily similar to Tweets.  And yes, I’m a huge hypocrite.  Thank you all for pointing that out as well.

 

Jerks.

 

Anyway, I had other stuff to do this past week besides melting my brain trying to get the high score in Bejeweled.  Other stuff…like Life-Responsibility stuff.  First and foremost, we had another cake-baking adventure to endure this week, so I’ll tell you all about that.  The 2’s were having a birthday party, and not just any birthday party.  A 50^th birthday party.  Reaching the half-century mark is traumatic enough and so to soften the blow, the 2’s held a birthday extravaganza.  I was in charge of the cake.  The birthday gal is into horror movies, and her husband was buying her a cruise for the Big Gift.  So obviously I decided a ‘haunted cruise cake’ would be appropriate.  The cruise was a surprise, but the party wasn’t….so I went ahead with the idea, crossing my fingers that she wouldn’t ask any questions about why the cake was a cruise ship and what the hell that had to do with her birthday or with horror movies for that matter.  There were approximately 60 people attending the party, so the cake had to be about the size of a house to feed everyone.  This kind of endeavor should probably normally only be performed by people with engineering degrees and endless amounts of patience.  I, unfortunately, have neither.  My decade of auditing work is less than useless when it comes to cake baking and decorating.  But that has never stopped me before…..

 

The cake part was the boat.  But it had to be sturdy enough to hold all of the decorations I planned on making.  So an oven-sized sheet cake was in order.  When making a cake this size, there are several things one should really think about before getting started.  First of all, don’t mess up.  You’re using a grocery cart full of ingredients and if you mess up…you definitely won’t have enough eggs left in the house to make another one.  Second of all, have some place to put it when it comes out of the oven.  Someplace where it can sit undisturbed and un-accosted by your cat that has recently become possessed by the devil.  Lastly, don’t mess up.  No really.  Don’t mess up.  Good decorations don’t make up for bad cake.  And yes there is such a thing as bad cake.

 

After the cake was baked, it had to be carved into the shape of a cruise ship.  And here’s me, totally useless accounting degree in hand, artsy fartsy sister a million miles away, staring at this block of cake and trying to imagine what a cruise ship looks like.  I have been googling cruise ship photos for the last week, so I have lots of intricate and ridiculously complicated designs to choose from.  But once you start hacking up your cake, there’s really no going back.  [Please see prior paragraph where I encourage you not to mess it up.]  So with my lethal carving knife in hand I start slicing off parts and stacking other parts and in a sort of art deco modern way, the cake bits begin to resemble what could be mistaken for a cruise ship.  After slathering the whole thing in 8 pounds of icing, I go into a brief diabetic coma from ingesting too many taste tests.  When I come to, the cake is ready to be covered.

 

Hold on a second there, Heather.  You already covered the cake in icing.  What are you talking about?  I’m talking about fondant.  You’ve seen it before, but you probably never cared what it was called.  Fondant is like play dough.  Except it actually is supposed to be edible.  As opposed to real play dough that is only digestable because the Play Dough people knew kids would be eating it by the fistful…because hey….it’s called DOUGH.  <sigh>  So anyway, fondant is edible but I wouldn’t recommend making a meal out of it.  It’s kind of like eating the wax your cheese is covered in….which probably isn’t actually edible so this analogy makes no sense, but work with me here.  It’s no good.  It tastes kind of tasteless, which would be ironic if I knew what irony was….but, more importantly than all that, it makes the cake look gooooooooooood.  So here’s what you do with fondant.  You roll it out like a pie crust, lift it up, place it on top of your cake sculpture and then press it down to make sure it stays in place and is not wrinkled up.  Sound easy?  Right?  <shaking my head>  Right.  I can hear all of you out there shaking your heads no too.  It wasn’t.  I’ve used this crap before but in much smaller doses….covering a whole cake has never been in the game plan until now.  And until now, I assumed it would be no big deal.  Yeah….it was a big deal.  It kept sticking to the counter.  And then it would stick to the rolling pin.  And then it would stick to me.  And then I would pop some in my mouth before I remembered I hated the taste of it.  And then I would be annoyed.  And oh, by the way, if you don’t roll out enough and try putting it on your cake…..it’s a disaster.  Because then you have to take it off, but there is already icing all over it and then you’re thinking - beating someone with this marble rolling pin would feel really good right about now.  Don’t ask me how I know this.

 

Magically, the cake got covered in fondant.  I think I must have blacked out with rage at the previous attempts, because I can’t really recall how exactly it happened.  It just did.  So now it’s time for decorations.  The decorations have actually been in the works for most of the week.  Maybe the most of two weeks.  The decorations are horror movie characters.  I had them all – Freddy Krueger, Mike Meyers, Jason, Dracula, Jigsaw, Scream guy, Chucky, and Pinhead.  I made the little horror movie people out of the fondant too….and again, some artsiness would have come in real handy.  Instead, I have to use my tried and true approach of mess up after mess up after mess up until I stop really caring if it looks that much like the characters.  Now the characters have to be small enough to stand on the cake boat.  Or at least, that was the original intention…..didn’t really end up that way but we’ll get to that later.  The characters also had to have all limbs properly attached.  In an ideal world at least.  But this is not an ideal world.  This is Heather’s Cake-Baking Inferno of Hellish Retribution for Everything I’ve Ever Done Wrong in the World.  So first Dracula’s arms fell off….then Freddy’s hand fell off….then Chucky’s head fell off.  More than one horror movie character got crushed back into a blob of fondant in my decorating fury.  In order to glue parts together, you can use several things…a sugar syrup substance, a hard icing concoction or Krazy Glue (which was the Hubby’s suggestion after hearing me curse for the 900^th time in a row and hearing the ‘splat’ of fondant getting pounded back into the table).  So when you’re gluing stuff together, you have to kind of prop it up so it can dry right and then leave it alone….unless you own a cat that has recently been possessed by the devil. 

 

I don’t know what was wrong with the Pumpkin this week.  Maybe she is allergic to sugar and the sight of so much was offensive.  But after Attempt #1 of several of the characters, I left them out to dry on the dining room table.  Which she never gets on.  Ever.  In her life, she has never hopped up on the table….for all she knew, there was no table, it was a black bottomless abyss that sends too curious cats into the Kitty Limbo where they have flea goop applied too often and have to eat the cheap brand of cat food.  That was the extent of Pumpkin’s knowledge of what was on top of the dining room table, until this week.  I came home after work to look over the drying progress of Attempt #1, only to notice immediately that several of my characters had mysteriously disappeared.  After ruling out that they had walked themselves away or taken suicide leaps off the edge of the table, I started hunting around the rest of the house all the while becoming more and more angry.  Pumpkin, meanwhile, sat perched on the edge of the sofa leering at me with her devil eyes secretly giddy at my fruitless search.  I eventually found one mangled character next to her food dish.  I found the other one….bent and broken to hell, in the basement.  She had quite obviously jumped on the table, taken one look at the little freaks and bopped them right onto the floor with her claws of death.  Now, I have no idea when she actually performed this heinous act, so discipline would normally be out of the question (not that this cat is capable of being disciplined) but I was so irritated by her state of calm and her little beady eyes mocking me, that I flailed the carnage of Attempt #1 around in front of her face until she walked away.  Yes, she walked.  My flailing does not intimidate the cat anymore.  She sees it too often.

 

So after Attempt #87, the stupid characters were done.  As well as they were gonna get done by that time.  Now for the last big hurdle of the cake-baking adventure – transportation.  Yes, I did briefly consider inviting all 60 people over to my house just to eat the stupid cake….but then realized that would entail cleaning up after the hurricane that must have hit the kitchen and living room areas while I wasn’t looking.  Sheesh….my house is always a disaster after a cake-baking adventure….not sure how the entire house gets dirty through this process….but it does.  And no, I did not have the energy to clean so now it’s time to figure out how to get everything over to the birthday house.  If I could do this by myself, it would have been less stressful.  If I could freeze time and teleport the cake there, it would have been less stressful.  When will the MIT nerds figure out teleportation!!!  Hellooooooooooooo….can we get on that please?  Since none of the easy options were available, I had to use the Hubby to help me.  The Hubby has huge bear paw hands and big fat man fingers and very little patience with me screaming at him to hold something more carefully when he already considers balancing the cake parts in one arm while he opens and closes doors to be careful enough.  If our marriage can survive transporting a cake, I think we’re good.  Honestly, there can’t be anything worse to endure than me having panic attacks the whole way there because he’s driving my car that he never drives, shifting my transmission that he’s not used to, taking turns at 12 miles an hour and not 2.  Did I mention the birthday house is only about an eighth of a mile away from ours?  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh….it took us about ten minutes to get there.  I’m kind of surprised he didn’t stop the car and boot me out.  That’s true love people.

 

So once we’re at the house, and all the cake parts have made it into the house and I’ve walked by everyone including the birthday gal with the cruise ship cake, dodging questions about why it’s a ship like I just didn’t hear them….now it’s time to put everything together.  So all the little characters come out of the box I had them in and I start putting them on the cake….which is exactly when I realized I made the God***n things too big.  No they are not going to fit on the ship.  They are apparently water-walking horror movie characters.  And then to make matters worse, either because it was ridiculously humid out on Saturday or because I had too much bad karma on me from yelling so hysterically at the Hubby….arms started falling off of all the stupid characters.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to just throw the little limbs back in the box and explain to everyone that the Michael Meyers character must have hacked all their arms off.  I wanted to start mashing up all the characters in my frustration.  And instead, with rage-induced shakiness, I started…..pattttt<hisssssssssss>iently gluing all their God***n arms back on.  I propped all of them up, everybody took pictures and then it was mercilessly over.

 

The hubbub of a 2 party didn’t even bother me after that was all over.  The 60 people in my personal space bubble didn’t even bother me after that was all over.  The ear-splitting decibel level of the 2’s normal speaking voices didn’t even bother me after that was all over.  The rabid mosquitoes on the back porch didn’t even bother me after that was all over….west nile virus shmirus.  I ate enough pasta to offset the 8 pounds of sugar I had already consumed that week and drank enough wine to start speculating about what kind of accent the Pumpkin would have if she could ever learn to talk.  [The answer is Australian….which I came to after saying G’day mate in my head and then laughing at myself outloud].   

 

The birthday gal had an awesome time, made out like a bandit with the stack of gifts she got, and loved the cake.  Mission accomplished.  That was unfortunately not the end of our weekend or of my amazing adventures…..we had one more party to go to and house moving to contribute to, so by the time I rolled into work on this awesomely chilly morning, I am pretty much running solely on caffeine.  I am so over-caffeinated right now, I could probably be called a biohazard.  The pumpkin noggin keeps tilting dangerously to the side as I half fall asleep at my desk.  There are really real work reasons I’m here today, it’s not just to be a martyr even though girls are notoriously good at that.  If I pass out on my laptop and you find me drooling and snoring, please….just leave me alone.  I obviously need the sleep and whatever you need cannot possibly be as important as you think it is…..

 

Later gators,

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzHeatherzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZ

 

p.s. Pictures will be forthcoming...please just hold yourselves together until I find the time to do it.

 

 

Jerks.

Are people driving much slower than normal or have I become severely retarded?  I know it’s been about a second and a half since I have complained about the driving habits of my fellow Germs or the Ballmer Balls…..but seriously?  If I don’t talk about this, there may be some serious derby car damage resulting in the very near future to the next person that decides to drive five miles an hour under the speed limit.  In front of me.  I have been stuck behind the Slowskies too many times in the last week to think it is just my bad karma catching up with me.  And then of course there was the rain….or more accurately…..the icy drops of death raining doom and destruction down on your car. So for God’s sake….for the sake of your children and all that you cherish and love….PLEASE….SLOW the F**K  DOWN.  Preferably to about 12 miles an hour which is clearly the only safe speed to drive in conditions such as these.  Retirement Plan #87 involves opening Heather’s School for Driving Like You’re Not on Meth.  I may need to do that sooner than later….in the meantime here are some quick pointers that I would like to share with you people, some wisdom I have gathered in the last decade of commuting approximately a million miles a day –

 

1.      Turn signals are really only worth a damn if you know how to work them.  Don’t signal left and then turn right.

2.      Of course, signaling at all would be nice…

3.      I know it says ‘Speed Limit’ and technically you would think that implies you can’t drive faster than that….but come oooooooooooooooooooon.

4.      Please show just a smidge of f**king urgency when the traffic lights are about to change.  Because I drive the same route to and from work every single day….I have it timed to perfection….and your exasperating lack of urgency to actually get through the light before it changes makes me want to beat my head into the steering wheel which never ends well for my pumpkin noggin.

5.      You do not need to look at the passenger seat to talk to that person.  Eyes on the road jackass.  That’s where the vehicular manslaughter will happen because of you not paying attention….not in the passenger seat.

6.      When the engine is running and the car is moving….that means you are now officially driving….so start acting like it.

7.      Green means go.

8.      Yellow does not mean slam on your mother-bleeping brakes.

9.      Do not ever honk at me.

10.  I appreciate that you appreciate the woofers in your car and want everyone on the entire planet to appreciate the woofers with you….but I do not want to hear the bass in your music.  Not even one little teeny tiny bit.  I do like to say the word woofer, though.  <giggle>

11.  You can see the next traffic light is red one block away….so why exactly are you tail-gating me?

12.  If you’re on the highway and you come to a gradual incline or a gentle bend in the road, this does not mean you need to slow down to half your original speed.  If you needed to slow down, the speed limit would change.  But you don’t.  Because it didn’t.  What you need to do is put your foot on the gas and grow a set of balls.

13.  Just get out of the way and let the cop pass.  They are required to take driving courses that actually teach you something.  They can drive a lot better than you and yes….since they get shot at, they get to speed.

14.  I don’t have any spidey-like depth perception…but that doesn’t mean I’m going to wait to pull out into traffic until there are absolutely zero cars in sight.  Please….if this is what you need to feel good about driving….go ahead and wait until after the zombie apocalypse is over….then you can drive again.

15.  Merging is not as hard as you clearly think it is.

16.  If you missed the exit/turn/driveway….you missed it.  It’s not my fault.  Just accept it.  God made cars that can u-turn because we are not perfect creatures. 

 

<sigh>  Ok…I feel a little better now.  Time for this week’s update from Audit-Land and the going out of business sale that is the State Government.  They are still paying us….but that probably won’t last much longer.  I get this gossip from the elevators and cafeteria where I clearly should not be listening to anything at all.  In my eavesdropping glory over the past several weeks, I have had occasion to witness a very unique specimen of Government Employee Types: the Absent-Minded Walker.  AMWs do not pay attention when they are walking.  They are clearly concentrating on some other aspect of their life…and not so much on getting from Point A to Point B.  AMWs are counting on you not to run into them or dump your coffee all over them.  They are counting on you to stop and step to the side as they fumble their way through the halls.  AMWs tend to travel in packs and are inevitably completely oblivious to the fact that they just ran you right off the sidewalk or into a filing cabinet.  Packs of AMWs are a hazard, plain and simple.  Nothing is safe.  Not your armful of files, your kid in the stroller or your seeing-eye dog.  AMWs are usually having a loud conversation that you will have to scream to be heard over and they usually have really annoying laughs.  They never seem to be going to the same place….which makes me think they wander the halls….aimlessly.  They may not even work in this building.  They may have accidentally wandered in during one of the eons when they were not paying attention.  And they tend to be magnetically drawn to whatever side of the hallway you are veering toward to avoid them.  Now, when an AMW knocks into you they are always real nice about it but that sorry never seems to help.  It never seems to matter at that point that he has a great smile or she looks like your best friend from college.  Too late for any forgiveness.  I know walking can be hard sometimes….but it’s still kind of necessary.  Let’s all try focusing on our walking for a day.  Focus on not running into me, knocking things out of my hands, or forcing me to pancake myself against a wall so I can stay out of your eebie geebie space bubble.  One day.  Let’s call it today.  Ballmer, the City that Walks.  T-shirts are for sale, $14.99.  Proceeds will benefit the Keep Heather Out of an Insane Asylum fund.

 

The Hubby offered to go grocery shopping for me last week.  After I came out of my shock-induced coma, I quickly came up with a short list that I thought he could handle pretty easily.  Item #4 on the list was conditioner.  He came home about two hours later, red in the face and sweating.  What the hell is wrong with people at that store! He screams as he throws both grocery bags onto the kitchen floor.  I smile my understanding tell-me-all-about-it smile, already knowing what he is about to say.  Who writes checks anymore?  And why are the breadcrumbs in the spice aisle, they’re not a spice?  And why do they only have two cashiers working at 5 o’clock on a Friday?  And what the hell is a bonus card?  We have like eight phone numbers, I didn’t know which one to use so I just started punching in random numbers and it worked…but what the hell is a bonus card?  And this was five for $10 so I went ahead and got five even though we use one a year.  And I can’t believe I spent $43 dollars on like seven things.  That’s ridiculous!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!  <smile>  He kept on with this monologue all the way into the family room, while he turned on the TV, while he sat on the couch.  He only stopped grumbling when PTI blipped on the DVR.  Then he was quiet.  I silently promised myself I would never let him go grocery shopping again…knowing full well he will never offer again.  I also didn’t find it necessary to point out that he picked up shampoo.  Not conditioner.  Sometimes it really is just the thought that counts.

 

Later gators,

Heather

Hello gentle reader.  I am writing to you today from loverly Baltimore City, crack cocaine capital of the world.  My current audit assignment has me working in one of the main government office buildings in downtown Ballmer.  The building itself is fine, a normal government office building.  Droves of drones (I mean government employees) lurching their way off the totally useless Ballmer subway across the street, shuffling past the newspaper guy hawking the same stories you read on the Internet for free while you’re pretending to work, and filing into this bleak grey poorly lit monstrosity that apparently passes for an OSHA approved work environment.  I mention poorly lit because every time I walk out of this building, I feel like Moley the Mole Person squinting at the bright yellow explosion in the sky that I have forgotten exists over the past 8 ½ hours under the pathetic fluorescents that work just about as hard as everything else here.  The guard at the front desk will sometimes ask to see your ID badge, but mostly won’t.  That’s ok, I don’t voluntarily look at this picture of the pumpkin noggin either.  The cafeteria on the first floor sells salad for approximately $98 a pound.  And the garbanzo beans and cucumbers are pretty mushy by the time I get there.  You must buy coffee across the street because that coffee shop has proven its respectability by providing hot sleeves for the cups instead of forcing you to pour your cup o’ joe into environment-murdering Styrofoam.  That is unless you are feeling particularly brave or have a drug deal to make and take the totally useless Ballmer subway to Lexington Market where they sell the best coffee I have ever had in my life.  Peanuts, hot dogs and coffee they sell at this place…I don’t know why it’s so good and I don’t want to know.  It just is…but I never go there.  I go across the street, with all the other lemmings.  Naturally working in a bustling hub of government activity has me all in a tizzy over the myriad government employee species I have managed to catalogue thus far, but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  Today we’re talking about elevator etiquette.  And why it is so important. 

 

I am going to give you a safe estimate and say that I spend about 78% of my time every day either waiting for an elevator or on an elevator.  This building has fifteen floors and I don’t think all of the elevators work….I am pretty sure there must be at least one of them that I’ve never been on in my decade of working in Audit-Land.  Here is etiquette rule number one – the first person to the Hall of Elevators must press the go***mn button.  Press a button.  I don’t care if you’re going up or down, just press the friggin button so I don’t think you’re Creepy McCreep-a-lot standing there waiting to see where I am going before you decide or hoping the doors will magically pop open cause you thought about it real hard.  I work on the twelfth floor of this building, so I am always on my way up.  I walked in the other day and there he was – Creepy McCreep-a-lot just standing there, staring up at the ceiling obviously concentrating really hard.  Of course I pressed the button after huffing my little self-righteous sigh in his general direction.  And of course he got on the up elevator that I got on.  Creepy.  Just standing there.  Like a creep.

 

Rule number two – wait exactly eight seconds for people to catch the elevator before you let the doors close.  No more.  And no less.  If you can hear me running…well running might be an exaggeration….but if you can hear me walking extra fast in my ankle breaking heels then hold the stupid f***ing elevator door you huge jerk.  HOLD IT.  Who knows when the next elevator will come?  It could be days I’m waiting down here, you don’t know.  But eight seconds, that’s it.  Don’t be holding the doors open for slightly longer than forever, pretending to be nice when we all know well and good that the only reason you are testing the maximum weight capacity of this lift is because you have no desire to get to your floor and actually work.  There is nothing worse than being sardined into an elevator with strange government employee types and then having to shoulder your way off when you get to your floor.  Nothing worse.  Luckily most everyone is off by the time we get to 12.  But come on.  Let’s not get crazy with the holding elevators nonsense.  Here’s a good rule of thumb – imagine how many people you could comfortably co-exist with in this five-five moving death trap assuming it gets stuck before it reaches your destination….once that many people are on the elevator, or the allowed eight seconds has elapsed, let it go.  Just let it go.

 

Rule number three – don’t keep pressing the same buttons over and over.  The elevator doesn’t move any faster if you keep pressing the same buttons.  It doesn’t go into warp drive.  It doesn’t pass through the space-time continuum to skip floors.  Press it once.  Then LEAVE IT ALONE!  You Button Pressers are probably the people who short out the circuit boards and cause us to get stuck.  You Button Pressers and your unbelievably annoying need to continuously press the same stupid button are obviously the people that crack the cover to the buttons or cause the buttons to not light up when you press them and then nobody knows where the stupid elevator is going to stop.  Jamming your thumbs on the buttons like you’re trying to gouge out someone’s eyes is probably a little overkill.  Doing it repeatedly makes me think you’re a psychopath.  Leave it alone.  We all don’t need to be reminded after every floor which floor you are going to.  We know.  Just leave it alone.  Also, please…..please stop pressing the Close button.  The Close button is a myth.  The sadistic elevator designers put it there because they know that control freaks like you need the illusion that you can actually close the doors.  After all….you can open the doors and that button clearly works.  So you should be able to close the doors.  But you can’t.  That button does not….I repeat does NOT make the doors close any faster than they normally would.  The sadistic elevator designer is mocking you control freak.  I’m sure there is a complicated sequence of buttons (probably hitting the close button 37 times in a row) that completely shuts down the elevator.  So cut it out.  We’ll get there.  Stop taking out your road/computer/work rage on the friggin buttons.  We’ll get there.

 

Rule number four – please pay attention to the normal civilized society proximity rules when standing in an elevator.  Don’t be all up in my grill.  The elevator is plenty big enough for the two of us….and if I stand to this side then you better get as far from me as is physically possible.  I mean it.  If there are three people on the elevator and one of them gets off….don’t continue to stand behind me.  It makes me paranoid and you’re a jerk.  Pay attention!  Get the hell to the other side of the elevator and stop being a jerk.  You make me self-conscious when you stand too close to me or behind me….for no good reason.  If you touch me in an elevator when we are not sardined in there, I don’t care if it was an accident, but if you touch me I will beat you senseless with my lethal Audit-Land coffee mug.  That’s oogey….normal human beings from the planet Earth need their space and we need our meditation time.  If I cannot ride peacefully on an elevator preparing myself for the next inevitable disaster or crisis Audit-Land throws at me because I have to keep my eye on you the whole time, I will be really really annoyed.  So back it up.  Just back it up.

 

Rule number five – unless you have a very obvious physical impediment, stop taking the elevator one floor.  Seriously.  We are the Land of the Lazy.  I know life’s got you down.  I know your job sucks and you feel worthless.  But stop taking the elevator one stupid floor.  It mucks everything up for the rest of us….you know you’ve looked at someone going one floor up and thought, lazy fat ass.  Yeah, me too, that’s what I think.  I’m not saying you need to be a marathon stair stepper, but anyone can walk up one flight of stairs without giving themselves a coronary.  Why don’t you give it a try?  And going down one floor?  I want to kick those people.  Just kick ‘em right in the shins…..you seriously can’t walk down one flight of stairs!?!?!  What is that about?  Gravity is helping you!  You could fall down one flight of stairs with no effort at all and probably still be ok.  Taking the elevator down one floor, sheeeeeeeeeeeesh….<shaking my head>…..start appreciating your legs a little more people.  Start appreciating the fact that they get you places, that they move at all.  Take care of your muscles and they will take care of you.  God gave you this body to love and exercise, like a dog….stop treating it like s**t.  One step, that’s it.  Take the friggin stairs.

 

Rule number six – please press the right button when you get on an elevator.  You only get one chance.  If you change your mind or realize you hit the wrong button, it’s TOO LATE.  You’re committed.  You’ve committed the rest of us to stopping at that floor, so by golly, you’re gonna stop at that floor now too and you’re going to get off the stupid elevator and deal with the consequences of your rushed hurried decision to hit the wrong friggin button.  I know which button you pressed, don't act like you didn't.  I was paying attention.  <hiss>  I will push you right off this elevator...I'm the person that leans forward and says "Five, this is five!" right in your face because I know you hit that button and now you're gonna get off here.  And keep your demon children away from the buttons.  Elevator buttons attract greasy messy kid fingers like bugs to a bug zapper.  Keep them away.  And press the right button.

 

Rule number seven – talk on an elevator like you would talk in church.  I don’t want to hear about the awesome sex you had last night, how late you are on your credit card payments or any other ridiculously personal piece of info you feel like sharing with complete and total strangers who still have to see you in this building every day.  If you’re talking on the phone while you’re in an elevator, please don’t forget you’re talking on a phone.  Even though you might feel like you’re having a private conversation, you’re not.  We can still hear you.  The imaginary invisible bubble that the cell phone company promised you is a sham.  We’re all involved now.  Go easy on us.  Don’t shout.  We are in a small confined space, and shouting makes me panic.  If you’re having a conversation with somebody else on the elevator, go easy on us.  No jokes about blowing up the building, no longwinded profane rants about how you can’t afford to retire and please….if your conversational buddy is not getting off on the same floor as you are, don’t ever hold the door so you can continue your conversation.  I will karate chop you in the elbow and let loose a roundhouse kick to the chest that you will not forget any time soon.  I know it feels like you’re in Me-World…but you’re not….you’re in Us-World and you need to be nice to all of Us.  Selfish jerks.  If you really want to be nice, just shut the heck up.  Silence on an elevator is fantastic.  I cannot stand trying to be social with people on an elevator…it’s like a pop quiz…QUICK think of something not stupid to say.  Not fair, you selfish jerks.  Just shut up.

 

Ok, let’s recap class.  1. Press a button.  2. Just let it go.  3. We’ll get there.  4. Just back it up.  5. Take the stairs.  6. Pay attention.  7. Just shut up.  Follow these simple rules, easy even for a blind, deaf and half-retarded dog to understand.  So you should be good and Audit-Land will be a happier place.  Because I’ll be happy.  Thanks for listening…you selfish jerks.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s summer and it has finally….finally stopped raining.  Now it’s time to endure the humidity that this loverly state washes over us.

 

 

I often wonder if my life would be easier if I didn’t speak or understand English and I always come to the same conclusion.  Yes.

 

 

My cat ran into the sliding glass door yesterday.  She was chasing a squirrel that was sitting on the deck.  Then she barfed on the floor.

 

 

Heather is a purple flower.  It would be nice to own a Heather plant, but every time I buy one it dies.  And I feel like a huge failure.

 

 

Are you ever really thinking something when someone asks you what you’re thinking?  Me either.  I’m just waiting for that person to go away.

 

 

My drug dealing neighbor asked me last week if that was my car parked in his space.  Then he pulled all the weeds out of his front yard.

 

 

I watched Cemetery Man on demand because I haven’t seen it in a million years.  I couldn’t remember how it ended.  Good movie.

 

 

There is a map of this office on the cube wall where I am sitting.  It’s really out of date.  I think I’ll make a new map.  <smile>

 

 

I miss my sister.  She is the only person on this planet who knows what I mean when I’m not saying anything.  Colorado sounds nice.

 

 

The computer runs really slow when it’s updating.  Then it reboots.  Maybe I should start doing that too.  I’ll tell people I’m narcoleptic.

 

 

I was going to carve a watermelon like a pumpkin and make up a pretend holiday to celebrate the monsoons.  Then it stopped raining.

 

 

The invite to my 15 year high school reunion popped up in facebook.  I’m pretty sure the only people who go to the reunion are the ones who

 

 

Organize it.

 

 

I was wondering how long I could go having thoughts in 140 characters or less.  Maybe if I used the texting fake English or stopped putting

 

 

spaces in between my words I could fit more in there.  But I think that truncating, filtering, shortening, paraphrasing and hyphenating

 

 

one’s life is probably a good sign that the zombie apocalypse is not far off.  It will probably eventually start causing people to

 

 

communicate using grunts and pointing at things.  Our brains will be pureed into mush, we'll devolve into monosyllabic Neanderthals.

 

 

But that probably won’t happen until after Public Enemies comes out in theaters.  Johnny Depp is so hooooooooooooooooooooooootttttttttttttt.

 

 

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s a gloomy, rainy day.  I can tell even before I open my eyes.  I don’t think it’s natural for human beings to be awake and alert before the sun rises.  The house is dark and spooky in these pre-dawn hours and the Pumpkin is trying desperately to trip me as I walk down the stairs to pour myself the first of eight thousand cups of coffee I plan to drink today.  You see….today is Staff Meeting Day in Audit-Land.  That’s right, gentle reader, the day you all look forward to every year with bated breath and palsy-like fidgets.  You look forward to it….I do not.  This year, Staff Meeting Day has been scheduled to take place in loverly Catonsville which is approximately a million miles away from Germantown.  And with the cost of gas inexplicably rising while all these car companies are going out of business….I will have to pay waaaaaaaaaay more than I think is appropriate to attend this shindig.  And it’s raining.  Did I mention that already?  Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh….I hate long commutes in the rain.  That’s not really precisely accurate.  I hate other people driving long commutes in the rain with me.  If I was on the road by myself, it might be kind of peaceful.  This will not be.  This will be a nightmare and that is the only thing prodding my eyelids open at this ungodly hour. 

 

I will not recap the road rage filled trek across the state for you people because it will only make me crazy delirious again.  So let’s skip ahead and say that I made it to the community college in Catonsville where the Staff will be Meeting.  I am, naturally, the first person there.  Awesome.  Some peace and quiet before the Coworkers arrive.  Thanks to the 16 cups of coffee I have already consumed, I decide finding a bathroom soon would probably be prudent.  So, I make my way inside out of the rain and the gloom and the doom into the humid mugginess that is some old dank college building.  Ok….so I am slightly exaggerating…..it was a nice building, don’t get me wrong.  I was just in a foul mood.  If I had been happy, the building would have seemed nicer.  The catering people are already in the room and I wait as patiently as possible for them to get the hell out of the way of the coffee urn before I start filling these little teeny elf cups full of some more joe.  Who in the world drinks coffee like this…out of little teeny tiny elf cups?  So anyway, the Coworkers start filing in and jabbering away and I am as social as my current caffeine level will allow.  I am very proud of myself for scoping out and claiming the best seat in the room….until someone (I forget who) announces this is not in fact the room where we will be Meeting.  This is the room where we will be Eating.  <pause>  What now?  So I’m the jerk that put all her stuff down on a chair for absolutely no reason.  Fabulous.

 

The Meeting Room is an auditorium.  The lights are not on because the community college people think we can see in the dark.  You know, cause most auditors have magical powers.  Mine is the ability to mesmerize people with my abnormally large pumpkin head.  When these people finally figure out where the light switch is, I see that there are plenty of ideal seat options in here and am slightly less enraged than I was about thirty seconds earlier….that lasted for oh……another 12 seconds…..before someone else (I forget who) announces that we are not allowed to eat or drink in this auditorium.  <pause>  What now?  What’s this?  What are you trying to tell me?  Um.  No coffee?  Are you serious?  What am I, 8 years old?  I think I can manage drinking some coffee without spewing it out all over the seats in front of me.  Come on with your ridiculous rules.  I hate this place.  Now I really hate this place.  Coffee haters.

 

So, as per usual, Staff Meeting Day is going to begin with about four hours of useless training.  Today we are learning how to manage our time.  Nice.  Just what I need…..someone to explain to me how easy it is to clone myself……or build a time machine…..or slow the rotation of the Earth so there are more hours in the day.  Maybe this moron will hypnotize us so we stop caring about our families and friends and personal hygiene and start shirking our responsibilities?  That will make it much easier to manage my time.  So, just as I am in the middle of a thought about going back in time to change professions before they sucked the soul out of me in business school, New Guy sits down in front of me.  Just plops himself down in the row in front of me….but he’s already looking at me with that expectant “I’m going to be talking to you in a minutes, get ready” look on his face.  <sigh>  Fine. 

 

New Guy:  Hi, I’m Kevin.

Me: Hi Kevin, I’m Heather.

 

I hope it doesn’t surprise you that I introduced myself, gentle reader.  I’m not a rude person.  I am merely disenchanted with the world and everybody in it.  I don’t really recall what this Kevin person was saying after he introduced himself because I’m not really capable of active listening while being so ridiculously decaffeinated.  He asked me how long I’d worked in Audit-Land…blah blah blah.  All the normal questions creepy Newbies usually have….but then somebody else walked over and handed Kevin an ear piece.

 

<pause>

 

Oh no.

 

 

 

Oh dear Lord….if you ever loved me just a little bit please please please don’t make this Kevin person the <shiver> Trainer.  I just assumed he worked in Audit-Land….why the hell else would he have been talking to me?  I’ll tell you why, because he’s an evil sadistic “Audience Participation” trainer.  He’s needy that way.  Now, the pleasant sort of nice smile I had on my face has turned into a pursed lip not quite mean looking scowl. 

 

Trickster: I’m teaching the class.

Heather:  Yeah.  I figured that out when they didn’t give me an ear piece too.

Trickster: Do you have a couple minutes to talk about your job?

[Uh no.]

Heather: What do you want to know?

Trickster: Tell me what some of the challenges you face…..blah blah blah……

 

I am absolutely furious at this point.  Everybody knows that one of the golden rules of Training Class is to stay as far away from the Trainer as possible.  They may as well have the plague.  You never look at them.  And you certainly don’t….<shiver>…..talk to them!  And look at me now.  Dancing with the devil.  This is going to end very very badly.  The evil interviewing dancing devil takes a break for a few seconds to check his mic at which point I decided I was going to need a lot more coffee before this thing got started….so I ran out of the auditorium.

 

Time to get this party started.  The Newbies are introduced, forced to stand and wave and act really uncomfortable with an auditorium full of judgmental auditors staring at them.  And now it’s time for the Time Lord to start the torture.  He informs us right off the bat that the purpose of time management is to eliminate problems and distractions that get in the way of success.

 

Distraction: Feel good about yourself.

Heather: [I already do.]

Distraction: Some things that are common sense are not common practice.

Heather: [Yeah, like not talking to the god***n trainer.]

Distraction: I am a recovering perfectionist.

Heather: [ugh]

Distraction: I often tell people to hit a bag with a stick.

Heather: [Thanks Doctor Phil.]

 

Hang on a second…he’s calling on people!  This is a nightmare.  But then, I already knew this was that kind of trainer.  The kind that calls on people randomly…except this won’t be totally random, will it?  On no.  I have already doomed myself to inevitable.

 

Satan: So Heather, what do you think is a reason…..blah blah blah.

Heather: [panicking that now the auditorium full of judgmental auditors is looking at me while my massive and somewhat disproportionately sized pumpkin head is turning bright bright red.] Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…..something that sounds like a sort of reasonable answer to me in my head while I was saying it but was more than likely total nonsense.

 

Oh no….he di-idn’t.  This is completely unacceptable.  I am quite obviously sitting in the Do Not Call On Me I Don’t Want To Participate row of the auditorium.  What planet is this guy from?  I need gallons of coffee to make it through this day and the stupid rules in this Chamber of Doom forbid it.  And then Satan says some really ridiculous things….

1.      You shouldn’t complain.

2.      Is the point to life to get everything done?

3.      Email can kill you.

4.      Slow down the speed of your mind.

 

Ok, let’s point out the faulty logic here.  Complaining is therapeutic.  If I don’t write this stuff down it would infect everything I do.  Yes, the point to life is to get everything done.  I would haunt this world for eternity if I did not finish my to-do list before I die.  But that may be the OCD talking.  Email can’t kill….but the stupid morons sending that email could definitely do some permanent damage.  Slow down the speed of my mind?  To what end?  I can keep up with it; how’s it  my fault if nothing else can.  <smile>

 

So, in between finding typos in his Powerpoint presentation (he wrote ‘your’ instead of you’re) and powering up the jedi mind tricks to keep him from calling on me again, I start falling asleep.  Then he suggests that we stop caring if people like us.  Check.  Delegate as much as possible.  Not a good idea.  I’d end up with t-shirts in the dishwasher if I did that at home.  Schedule a meeting with yourself.  Because now we’re all schizophrenic.  And then my favorite – eat the ugly frog.

 

Ok, this is some kind of meaningful advice about overcoming procrastination.  You eat the frog first thing.  You get it over with.  And if there is more than one….you eat the ugly one first.  This is the most inane totally irrelevant nonsense I have ever heard….I love it when people try to associate things like this with advice.  But I have to admit….I’m going to start saying it to people.  All the time.  Eat the ugly frog….and nod in a knowing way that makes them think they should know what I’m talking about but they have no idea what I’m talking about…..but they don’t want to ask and look stupid….so they just nod, yeah….eat the ugly frog.  Heeheehee.

 

Satan called on me one more time, because I apparently wasn’t in the room when he wanted to talk to me….and then he pointed at me later but didn’t call on me.  Awful, awful awfulness.  And then it’s time for lunch.

 

And that’s over way too quick.  The three people in this office that I can talk to without wincing were at least talking to me at this point….so no one else would.  Now it’s time for the barrel of laughs portion of the meeting.  The Update from Audit-Land.

 

Here’s how the Update went.  You’re not getting any more money next year, but rah rah we sure do appreciate all your hard work and you’re welcome for having a job.  I am so motivated right now I could just stab myself in the neck with this pen…………Seriously?  We probably could have used some ‘Motivational Speaking’ training.  Forget this time management nonsense.  So anyhoo…moving along.  Now all the divisional dictators get to remind us what happened during the last six months.  Here’s a quick play by play.  The Social Committee is recruiting everyone for Auditor Gone Wild behavior such as attending baseball games and cancer walks.  I think the Social Committee needs some kind of uniform.  And maybe pom poms.  The discussion forum that I am moderating for the Office….and by moderating I mean posting notes to myself…..is a total failure.  We will have to fill out some kind of employment satisfaction survey in the future and let everyone know how happy we are to have jobs.  At this point during the Update….the audience mumbling has become a distraction.  I’m not terribly sure people realize we are sitting in an auditorium with excellent acoustics…but whatever.  The three thousand other committees that the Office has deemed necessary are all doing very important things that I don’t feel like repeating.  We’ve done a lot of audits.  And the scary paranoid IT Director informed us that if we don’t turn in our non-encrypted flash drives so they can be burned into ash we will suffer dire consequences.  I totally believe him when he says this.  Of course there were a lot of other topics reviewed that I cannot expound on for you gentle reader because it is top secret Auditing Business.

 

But I do have to talk about one more thing.  We had a retirement party at the end of the meeting.  And by party I mean Grumblybert “roasted” the retiree.  This was slightly uncomfortable because no one in our Office really understands Grumblybert’s comedy genius.  I am fairly certain he is being funny 75% of the time…but no one really knows for sure.  The roasting made some people uncomfortable, which is awesome.  I love a train wreck just as much as the next person.  Or rather, in this case…more than anybody else in the audience.  Retireebert took it all in with a grain of salt, apparently appeased by the knowledge that he is almost outta here.  I’m not sure I will miss him…but I am sure I will have a lot less to complain about.  And complaining is the fire that gets me up in the morning so farewell Retireebert.  No “roasting” from me.  Enjoy your life outside of Audit-Land.  Cheers.  And all that.

 

Then it was over…almost before it began.  Now I am driving home from loverly Catonsville in the dreary gloomy rain, already forgetting pretty much all of the names of the Newbies who got introduced at the beginning of the day.  But let me be quite clear Newbies.  I will not be speaking to any of you.  Ever.  On the off chance you’re actually an evil audience participation Trainer, I will not be a party to your reindeer games. M’kay?

 

Later gators,

Heather

I am working in Rockville now, gentle reader.  Disconnected from the world.  I have no internet access here, and it is driving me maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  I would like to say that it has been a relief to be unavailable to the world.  I would like to say that I enjoy going back to a simpler time when we had dial-up and getting on the internet was such a drag.  I would like to say that I have more important things to do….like appreciate nature or read a book…..than be on the internet.  This is sadly not the case.  Apparently, when I don’t answer my mother’s e-mails promptly (within 24 hours) she assumes that I am dead.  That’s a fun conversation to have with one of your parents –

 

Mom: Why don’t you answer my e-mails?

Me: Because I don’t have internet access on my job anymore.

Mom: Why don’t you answer my e-mails when you get home?

Me: Because I have other stuff to do.

Mom: I thought something had happened to you.  You worry me.

Me: Wait a minute mom, I think my experiment worked.

Mom: What are you talking about?

Me:  Hang on mom, I have to check something.

Mom: <sigh>

Me: I was trying to prove that I would I die if I didn’t e-mail my mother constantly.  And it worked.  I’m dead.  You’re speaking to a dead person.  You can save the guilt and passive aggression because it is ineffective on dead people.

Mom: Stop being a smart ass.  You’re just like your father.

 

I am currently auditing a courthouse in Rockville.  I don’t think I said that before and I’m too lazy to read what I just wrote.  Working in a courthouse is like being on the pirate ship in the fish tank and watching all the crazy guppies swim by.  You get all types in a courthouse.  ALL types.  Lots of men in uniform.  Which hasn’t been that bad….I saw a Sheriff’s car get towed the other day.  And for some reason that bothered me.  Listen, I know some of you out there think cops shouldn’t get away with speeding and free parking and all that….but seriously?  They get shot at.  And yes, I think that warrants some free parking.  Save your quarters, copper. 

 

I was rather dismayed to learn that I would need yet another ID badge to enter the courthouse every day and bypass the x-ray machine, etc.  I think I would rather turn on my laptop and my cell phone and empty my purse and twirl around three times every day for courthouse security if it would mean that I don’t have to look at this ridiculous picture of myself on this ridiculous badge.  I don’t know if the guy taking the picture had a wide-angle lens because I don’t remember him being this close to my face but my pumpkin-sized head fills the entire picture window on the badge.  And it is a perfect circle.  I look like a character out of South Park.  It amazes me that I can stand up in the morning with this bowling ball on my shoulders….it amazes me that I don’t just fall over backwards. 

 

Here’s a travel tip for those of you who don’t normally drive through loverly Rockville on a regular basis.  If you need to park in this city expect to pay an arm and a leg.  It costs more to park here than it does in Ballmer.  Of course, you’re not dodging crack heads here like you would be in Ballmer….so maybe you pay a premium for that.  One of the pathetic joys in my life right now has been chronicling the trials and tribulations of the Parking Booth Man.  I have decided to park in a street lot behind the courthouse and because my OCD habits will not allow me to deviate from a routine once it has been established, this is where I park every day.  And every day, Parking Booth Man is having some kind of problem.  I imagine that the Parking Lot Company does not pay him nearly enough for all the stress and agony this job apparently causes him.  One day, I drove in and the ticket spitter was broken and Parking Booth Man was attempting to fix it by kicking it repeatedly….and I full well on intended to just sit in my car and watch this fiasco unfold, but I must have made him self-conscious because he turned and looked at my car idling in the turn-in for the lot and started flailing his arms around like an epileptic air traffic controller.  I interpreted his somewhat aggressive arm gestures to mean that I was to drive through without taking a ticket.  This does not concern me, because I stay all day and so I would have to pay the full rate regardless but I sooooooooooo wanted to watch the meltdown.  The kicking must have worked, by the way, because the ticket spitter was back to spitting out tickets the next morning.

 

Last week the Parking Booth Man was having issues making change for people.  I have deduced from my extremely amazing observation skills, that this is probably because he sits in a claustrophobically small stifling hot poorly constructed ticket booth all day sucking in exhaust fumes.  The seat in the booth is too tall and the window is too low, so you can’t really see Parking Booth Man in his booth….you can just hear him mumbling and cursing in his make believe parking lot language.  In Parking Lot Land, I assume that a twenty dollar bill looks exactly the same as a tenner.  I assume this, because on this particular day last week, I handed Parking Booth Man a brand new crisp clean twenty dollar bill spit freshly out of the outrageously priced ATM in the courthouse (because I don’t carry cash normally) and after I got a receipt and no change and sat there for about thirty seconds….I realized he must have thought he gave me change.  So I asked for change.  This was not some kind of confrontation….don’t worry.  And even if it had been a confrontation, I am fairly certain I could annihilate Parking Booth Man with a swift head butt from the pumpkin noggin.  No…there was none of that.  There was just Parking Booth Man….confused and turning this way and that on his too tall swivel stool in the booth, making confused grunts and noises and getting increasingly agitated about something until he was wildly flailing his arms around again.  At this point…..I am trying………….really really hard…………not to laugh.  I am nervous that my laughter at this point, because it would be uncontrollable, would cause the Parking Booth Man to spontaneously combust.  It’s been known to happen, people.  And then who would entertain me everyday….really.  So I suppress the urge to start the jiggledy giggledies.  And wait.  And wait.   And wait….for Parking Booth Man to pull it together.  After his loud and angry monologue, none of which I got because again he was speaking in that parking booth language that I don’t understand….and he’s like sitting three feet above the car window, after that he takes a deep breath, hands me my change and says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, have a good day.

 

Oh.  I already have Parking Booth Man.  I already have.  Thanks.

 

I have recently become addicted to orange flavored lifesaver mints.  I eat them all the time now.  They must put heroin in these things because I cannot stop munching them….and yes, I am one of those people that eats mints.  There is nothing worse than listening to someone sucking on a mint….except maybe someone walking behind you, or listening to people eating or drinking, or people doing something else that is annoying.  Nothing worse.  I eat the mints….which is probably why I go through so many a day.  You know, I figured the coffee and cigs weren’t rotting the teeth out of my head fast enough and so I figured….what would your dentist suggest?  Besides no more nicotine or caffeine…..<shaking my head>……he would suggest no sugar.  And because I concluded long ago that my dentist is the devil incarnate, I will do the opposite and coat my rotting teeth in lifesaver fake sugar all day.  That’s the ticket.  I should have a new set of bionic teeth implanted into my gums by the time I turn 50.

 

I was stunned and relieved to learn that there is still reality TV on over the summer….besides Big Brother which I can’t really watch because it’s on like every 18 hours or something….and I always miss an episode because there is no rhyme nor reason to the stupid schedule.  There was a new show on this week called….I’m not lying….. “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.”  AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  There was very little entertainment involved in this show….mainly because I don’t watch the Hills and had no idea who this Spencer person is…..the Hubby informed me that all the kids watch that show.  <sigh>  Ok.  There was Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, a female wrestler, some comedians, Janet Dickenson, Blajogedvich’s (no I’m sure that’s not the way you spell that name) wife and Sanjaya.  That’s all I can remember.  It was a train wreck.  Lots of Hollywood religion, catfights, defending impeached husbands and melodrama.  They force the celebrities to live out in the middle of nowhere, to eat bugs and touch snakes, etc.  Very Survivor-esque.  Except with people that very clearly do not want to be there….I don’t think I will continue to watch this show….but if you’re suffering from reality withdrawal, this should get you by.

 

Also watched the MTV movie awards last weekend….uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..when did MTV become such a potty mouth?  Seriously….they said “dick” about eight hundred times during the show.  Maybe it’s because of all the trash they show on that channel now….and not nearly enough singing…..Eminem was good and if you honestly think he wasn’t in on that Borat entrance, you’re nuts.  Eminem was on Crank Yankers for crying out loud.  He knows how to handle a joke.  And poor Zack Epinephrine on the stage trying to figure out what the hell was going on….priceless.  Don’t worry if you missed it, they’ll show it again every day for the next three months.  The Ben Stiller award thing was weird and unfunny and uncomfortable….Kiefer needs to stick with Jack Bauer….please.  All in all, MTV managed to confirm that all the little girls and boys who actually have the time to vote for this nonsense want to grow up to be vampires.  Although, the Twilight girl who won and then dropped the award onstage….I don’t know if she meant to do that, but it was hi-larious.  One of the only funny parts of the show…

 

I am attempting to grow vegetables on the deck outside.  This is interesting and I’m sharing this with all of you because at this point in time, all of my vegetables are still in the house on the window sill.  I do not trust the rabid squirrels in our neighborhood not to eat my plants before I do so I have decided to let them grow for the time being in the house.  The Pumpkin apparently does not agree with this plan one little bit, because she has to date kicked at least two of the plants onto the floor.  The idea to grow vegetables came out of some delusion that growing my own vegetables would be cheaper and greener than buying them at the grocery store…so I bought like eight packets of seeds and a bag of top soil and filled up about 42 plastic cups with dirt and water and plant pods, like I was doing some kind of elementary school science experiment.  I feel like I should be subjecting the plastic cups to music or weird light or something.  So maybe with a little bit of magic pixie dust and a few well-worded prayers I will be eating rabbit food I grew myself in a few months.  That, or the vegetables will have been poisoned by the hatred that I am quickly developing for the dirty little plastic cup bombs that the Pumpkin continues to throw all over my house.

 

So that’s it.  The update from Audit-Land.  You’re welcome.  Stay tuned next week for the recap of Staff Meeting Day 2009.

 

Later gators,

Heather

What a long strange trip it’s been…these past few months.  Season 8 started in January.  I know!  That was like a million years ago….I have watched every single episode of this show that has ever been aired.  And tonight is no exception.  The date is May 20, 2009.  “It’s starting!  It’s starting!” I scream hysterically at the Hubby as I run around in circles in front of the TV high off of too much sugar and caffeine.  The Hubby is rolling his eyes around so much I think he may do permanent damage to his vision.  He just keeps repeating under his breath, last show last show last show last show….he’s a glass half full kind of guy, if you hadn’t realized that from all my previous descriptions.  It all ends tonight.  It’s Dramadama or Kermit.  One of them will be your Idol.  Here’s Seacrest in his black suit and tie, hello friends he says like we’re buddies.  This gets a big snort out of the Hubby.  There are a lot of celebs in the audience tonight.  Ryan says you’re all lucky to be here….oh ho ho ho really?  Then he says we need to pay respect to the judges.  Ok.  Here’s Randy in his big red bowtie and they showed a montage of him saying “for me for you”.  Heeheehee….that was actually pretty funny.  Kara is wearing her hair up and a black strapless number.  Her montage was of her saying “sweetie” and “honey”.  Wow….she did say that a lot.  I just got so hung up on her saying arti-<clunk> zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.   Oh!  What happened!  I’m back….no worries.  Paula looks fabulous, as usual, in a gold strapless dress.  Her montage was about her big vocabulary.  I’m guessing she got one of those word-of-the-day calendars for Christmas last year and has been making good use of it this season.  And the Simon.  Black jacket and chest hair <shiver>….his montage was about his hearing problems.  He says “what” a lot….<chuckle>…..which is ironic.  Unless you know what irony means.  And now let’s ogle the kiddies, dressed all in white, like they’re about to do a rendition of Teen Angel.  Seacrest is talking to them about how nervous they are and their mics aren’t working…just to prove this is a live show.  Cut to Conway Arkansas where Mikalah Gordon is pumping up Kris’s hometown crowd.  You remember Mikalah, right?  The Fran Drescher look-alike.  And then cut over to San Diego where Carly Smithson is pumping up Adam’s hometown crowd.  She’s the Irish one with the bad tattoos.  Ahhhhhh, the benefits of being on this show……getting to be constantly reminded that you did not win by being asked to do retarded things like this. 

 

Now we get to hear the Idolettes singing their first performance of the night – So What.  The Hubby asked if we could fast forward through this….at which point I commandeered the remote.  I wanted to listen to the whole thing….and he just started mumbling along with the song, so what so what so what so what.  After the break, Cookie is there to perform his song ‘Permanent’.  Green spooky light is behind him, some piano in the background.  He’s wearing a vest, black arm band (which I assume is for his brother) and he’s sporting the scruffy goatee that looks so good on him.  It’s a very pretty, kind of a sad song.  When he’s done, he chats with Ryan about his brother briefly, puts on a brave face.  The proceeds from the iTunes sale of this song will go to a cancer research fund in his brother’s name….and his voice kind of cracked on that one.  Classy guy….

 

….and then I did a double-take and actually rewound the dvr.  That was Justin Guarini in the audience!  AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And the Hubby goes, well it’s not like he has anything better to do.  Well said. my dear.  Well said.

 

Time for the worst part of the show – the ridiculous Golden Idol awards.  <sigh>  I guess it wouldn’t be Idol if they had no cheese involved.  The first award goes to “Outstanding Male”.  There were a few awful singers including Michael Grrrrrrrrrrrr (remember that guy!) nominated and the last nomination was for Norman Gentle.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Of course he won…and pretended like he wasn’t expecting it and didn’t prepare anything and then he rips off his jacket and there is the Norman Gentle costume, headband and all.  And he sings something horrible and walks out of the audience.  I’m sure that was supposed to be funny….but it kind of wasn’t.  Now back to the singing.  Lil Rounds is singing with Queen Latifah, ‘Cue the Rain’.  They both look fabulous and they harmonize really well together.  I guess that’s the perk of having a top ten that can actually sing….and not just a top two.  Then we’re right into the next song with Dolly and Anoop de Loop Loop singing with Jason Miraz ‘I’m Yours’.  Then all the Idolettes come out to sing….I kind of like this song.  It wasn't that bad.

 

Now we’re rehashing the Idol Journey of Kermit.  Remember he auditioned at Churchill Downs?  Ok, so he sings ‘Kiss A Girl’ with Keith Urban.  They were both playing the guitar.  After some really caustic comments about country music, the Hubby left the room.  So I can go gaga over them both.  It was kind of a flirty song for two guys to be singing together, but again they sounded great.  The next performance was with the girls singing ‘Glamorous’….and they bring out Fergie!  Man….she is sooooooooo pretty.  I wonder if my calves would look like that if I wore five inch heels?  Probably not….because I would be in a cast after I broke my ankles from trying.  Fergie sings Big Girls Don’t Cry….not really with the Idolettes, they were kind of there as back-up singers.  And then the Black Eyed Peas come out to sing a song.  Something about Boom Boom….but this was the only interesting part – Fergie has a line that ends with ‘swag it’…..and then she goes to sing the next line and <cut to American Idol emblem> Some dead air and the Hubby and I (yes he did come back in the room to gaga over Fergie) are just looking at each other….hmmmm….what rhymes with swag it?  And why would they sing that line?  ‘Let’s get it started’ wasn’t how that song originally went either….<chuckle>…..

 

Time for more ridiculous fake awards.  This one is for best attitude.  <sigh>  Bikini Girl wins it and this is when I realize they are obviously making up these awards to give them an excuse to bring back some fan favorites.  And trust me, by the drool the Hubby was wiping off himself, this disgusting little pig is a fan favorite.  Randy’s eyes are literally popping out of his head.  Seacrest says, well I was gonna ask what’s new but I think I know.  <pssssst – she has brand new boobs>  Good for you honey.  Boobs can get you lots of things.  Respect is highly overrated.  Don’t judge me people.  She is a gravity-defying twenty-something pin-up girl and yes I hate her.  Hate her with everything I am.  They ask her to sing….oh come ON.  No one wants to actually hear her sing…..but I look over at the Hubby and even he is too mesmerized to mute the TV.  <chuckle>  Ahhhhh….boys are so easy.  You really are.  But here’s where this charade actually got funny.  Kara comes out behind Piggy and starts singing the song.  Like a pro.  And Piggy has such a complex that she actually stops singing and gets this pissy little look on her face.  AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Stealing your spotlight!!  AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  And Kara can actually sing.  SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than Piggy, proved very concretely on that last note.  But it’s not over yet – Kara rips open her dress to reveal her own bikini.  You GO GIRL!  Of course she looks amazing, but immediately feels self conscious next to Piggy.  Apparently the judges bet her she wouldn’t do that and since she did, she gets a big donation to her charity….whatever that is…..no one said.  Piggy is still annoyed that Kara is on the stage and is making faces.  Classy.  Don’t worry honey, you don’t need to be classy or talented to get places in this world.  The boobs will be enough.

 

Time for more singing.  Red is singing with Cyndi Lauper – ‘Time After Time’.  I love Cyndi Lauper and I love this song.  What is that instrument she’s playing?  A sitar?  I have no idea.  But of course it sounds great….they really have done a good job pairing up the kiddies with singers that work well with their voices….absolutely beautiful.  Speaking of which, time for Ironman to sing.  Awwwww…I wish he could have been in the finals.  No….no I don’t.  I like Kermit….but I like him too.  Awwwwwww…..so he’s singing with Lionel Richie and yes, they sound perfect together too.  Well done!

 

Now we get to see Adam’s Idol Journey recap.  And here he is for his song and he’s wearing the weirdest thing I have ever seen….like big iron shoulder pads…..except they're like cages.  I don’t know how to describe it….so he’s singing with KISS.  Obviously.  Rock and Roll All Night.  That’s appropriate.  I’m not a big Kiss fan, but it was fun.  The next performance is from Carlos Santana on the guitar, ‘Black Magic Woman’.  Dumbo is singing with him and then all the Idolettes come out and sing with him.  For sounding so good by themselves….they really don’t sound that good together.

 

Time for the final Ford commercial music video horror show of the season.  It’s a recap of all the other creepy commercial music video horror shows to the song ‘I Will Remember You’.  Ok….glad that’s over.  Cookie comes on screen and says it’s time to surprise Kermit and Drama.  Surprise….yeah right.  They did kind of look surprised, but everybody knew they were getting cars.  Cute little Ford Fusions.  Nice.  Moving on, now it’s time for the Rougneck and Tattoo to sing with none other than Steve Martin on the banjo.  The song is called ‘Pretty Flowers’ and the Hubby and I are fairly certain this is from a bit on SNL.  Steve is coming out with an album….oh really?  I’d probably buy that.

 

More music….the Idolettes are singing ‘If You Want My Body’…the boys are all dressed up like Reservoir Dogs.  They sound terrible.  But here comes Rod Stewart in a great plaid jacket.  Aha!  He sounds pretty good for being like 900 years old. 

 

And the latest ridiculous Golden Idol award is for Outstanding Female.  <sigh>  I have a sinking suspicion I already know who is going to win this.  Yup….I’m right because the world hates me….it’s the Devil Woman Tatiana.  Ryan announces that they’re out of time and he’ll give her the award later.  But she gets right up and walks onstage anyway….this was obviously scripted but at the same time kind of funny.  He says, we have to go to break and she grabs the mic away from him and starts singing and then security is chasing her all over the stage and she just keeps singing….right into the break.  <chuckle>  Ok….ok.  Maybe she’s not the “Devil” woman I thought she was…..<smack in the head>…..what am I saying?!?!?  Of course she is….

 

We’re already over on time I think….I taped this like an hour long so there wouldn’t be a chance I’d miss anything so I’m not exactly sure where we are….but we’re close to the end.  Seacrest asks the Simon what he wants to say to the contestants and he blurts out, ‘I don’t normally mean this, but you are both incredibly talented, unusually nice guys.  The future is yours.’  Awwwww….I think that’s about as sappy as the Cowell is going to get.

 

Dim the lights.  It’s time.  AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  The Hubby is looking at me with the Look….clearly wondering when his wife became brain damaged.  Without a whole lot of ado, Seacrest announces the winner.  It’s KRIS!!!  Kermit wins!!!  I am quite literally speechless….and so is he….who saw this coming?  I’ll tell you who….me.  That’s right.  Two years in a row, I have liked the winner.  Two years in a row my super-vote has made the difference.  That’s one out of 100 million according to the anonymous bean counter that certified the results.  <smile>  Kermit wins!  The Hubby immediately starting mumbling about conspiracy theories with the Christian right, etc etc.  I think it’s because people got tired of the screaming from Drama.  Regardless, like Daughtry, Drama is now free to do his own thing.  And Kris has the backing of the all-powerful AI machine behind him now.  <big smile>  He stutters and plutters over thank yous and I don’t know what to say and blah blah blah.  Ryan thanks the judges, Ricky Miner and the band and us.  Of course.

 

And then they make him song.  The AI song, No Boundaries.  He manages to make it sound better than it is….which by itself should have won him the competition.  

 

Well, <big sigh>  it’s over.  The Hubby waited about 0.8 seconds before he deleted the program and switched the channel to basketball.  I have a feeling I will go into AI withdrawal very soon and start criticizing people and judging them for no good reason….oh wait.  What am I saying?  I’m an auditor!!!  That’s totally my job!!!  AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

 

Till next season gators,

Heather

 

It’s time.  97% of the other shows I watch are already over….this is the last performance show on American Idol, Season 8.  <whimper>  I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to do with no TV on….I might have to actually start talking to the Hubby again.  Hahahahahahaha….Ryan informs us that two are left standing.  He’s wearing a slate gray shiny suit and tie.  He calls it a showdown between the acoustic rocker and the glam rocker.  Ok.  Do you know he has been using this boxing analogy for YEARS now…it’s old Ryan.  Find something new. Here are our judges.  Our wonderfully neurotic judges.  Randy has a ridiculously crazy-looking clown suit on.  Kara is wearing a glamorous black number.  Paula is wearing neon green.  And Simon?  Simon is wearing buttons.  Not buttoning the buttons….just wearing them.  <sigh>  Chest hair is gross Simon…come on.  And here are the kiddies – Kermit and Drama looking queasy and nervous.  There was the normal coin toss last week to see who would go first and Kermit won and decided to let Drama kick it off.  There are three songs to sing tonight – the kiddies pick their favorite song from the season, Simon Fuller picks a song for them, and then they both have to sing the AI8 song that was co-written by Kara.  So….lots of stuff we’ve already heard.  That’s wonderful.  Seacrest starts warning us now that tomorrow’s finale show may run long.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh Ryan.  We know it will run long.  You don’t have to warn us.  This show has ended on time, I’d say, three out of 64 times.  Nice going.

 

Dramadama starts everything off with his pick – Mad World.  He comes out on stage in fog, backlit with green spooky lights.  He’s wearing a long coat, that is actually pretty cool.  The song sounds exactly the same as it did the last time we heard it.  Pretty good.  But I’ve heard it already.  He has a lot of intense looks into the camera….and manages not to make them oogy.  Randy says, so check it out, we got to see your sensitive side, A+.  A for Adam.  <cringe>  Kara says I’m so happy you picked that song.  And then she says something about being an artist and I blacked out immediately.  Paula says blah blah, more subdued, introverted, blah blah, theatrical.  Simon says it was your best performance, kind of over-theatrical…reminded him of Phantom of the Opera.  Then Randy pipes in that it’s more Twilight….that will win him all the Edward Cullen fans.

 

Sir Anthony Hopkins is in the audience tonight.  I love him.  He reminds me of my dad for some reason.  Anyway, so Kermit is singing his pick – Ain’t No Sunshine.  Another slow song….that I’ve heard already!!!  It’s very pretty and since I am kind of biased on his side, naturally I love it.  And he can play the piano….which I think is very cool.  Randy says yo, dude, check it out, hope the Lakers win, best ever.  Way to stay on topic Randy.  Kara says whatever Randy said and something about an intimate bond.  Paula says you awaken spirits, especially mine since I’m drunk.  And then she said artist and I blacked out immediately.  Simon says when your name was announced last week, I wasn’t sure it was the right choice.  But after that performance, I take it all back.  Round one goes to Kris. 

 

Simon Fuller picked ‘Change Is Gonna Come’ for Drama to sing.  This is a very bluesy, soulful song for him.  He’s wearing a Seacrest suit.  And there’s that scream.  Oh good….I thought maybe he might go a whole song without screaming like a banshee.  I think this is too much of a soul song, and he’s turning it into his normal screamy rock song performance.  The Hubby is cringing.  And complaining.  Vociferously.  Randy calls the song an amazing R&B classic, he wipes the drool off his chin and then says you can sing your face off!  Kara calls this his best performance and interpretation of a song ever.  Paula says this is the best I’ve ever heard you sing.  Ever.  Ever ever.  Simon says you are 100% back in the game, congratulations.

 

Simon Fuller picked ‘What’s Going On’ for Kermit to sing.  He’s playing his acoustic guitar.  It’s beautiful.  I’m not so sure about the song choice….but whatever, he did the best with what he had.  Randy says a little bit light for this competition….<sigh>….he didn’t pick the song Randy.  Kara says you’ve always been true to yourself.  Artist.  And I am in a coma now.  Paula says you tore that song up!  Somebody get me another “coke”[she even did air quotes, swear to God].  Simon says he loved the song, but it was like listening to three friends in their bedroom strumming along to the song, too laid back.  He DID NOT pick the song Simon!  Button your shirt!!!

 

Now we get to hear Kara’s song.  It’s called ‘No Boundaries’.  And it was co-written by Kara.  By Kara.  Did you get that?  Kara co-wrote this song, thus justifying her entire existence on this show.  So I don’t know if he’s off or it’s the song (co-written by Kara)…but this doesn’t sound so good.  And he’s cry-screaming….again.  I don’t know if I could listen to a whole album of that scream…I really don’t.  He is wearing cool pants though.  Now I sound like Paula…maybe I’m drunk too.  Randy says, I’ve said it before, you can sing the phone book.  Okay, first of all, if you’ve said it before there is really no reason to say it again, or to say it 800 hundred billion times.  Second, wouldn’t it be hysterical if someone did come out and sing the phonebook?  <chuckle>  Kara said amazing, so proud.  I co-wrote that song.  Paula says adjectives cannot describe it.  AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh Paula….stop mocking me.  She’s a fan forever.  Simon says over the entire season, you have been one of the best most original contestants.  He genuinely believes they have found a worldwide star, congratulations.  Seacrest calls him a class act.

 

Now Kermit is singing a song called ‘No Boundaries’.  You may have heard this before….and by before I of course mean, like three minutes ago.  I like the way Kermit sings it better….but he sounds off a little too.  Now, because I got to hear it twice in a row, I know for certain that I don’t like this song.  Randy says be proud of yourself, the song fit your voice better.  Kara says Artist.  And I’m out.  Paula says take it all in, you deserve the spotlight.  Simon says he’s amazed at how far Kris has come over the entire season.  You deserve to be there right now.  Seacrest says it was a fun fun fight.  Oh Ryan….no one ever describes a boxing match as a fun fun fight…..

 

And now to close out the show, Miss Carrie Underwear sings the biggest loser song of this season – Home Sweet Home.  And while the Hubby grumbles about the original and whatnot, I do notice that she sounds great.  Tomorrow is a big deal….the finale shows are always great.  Can’t wait.

 

Later gators,

Heather

 

 

I have been in mourning gentle reader.  In mourning over my Capitals.  The last game was a heart breaker.  We looked awful.  Varly the Kid was pulled out of the goal after giving up four.  Everybody looked off.  So depressing.  What a terrible way to go out….and to all teams, it had to be the Pens.  So depressing.  Anyway, I have been very lax in my duties to this blog and I apologize.  Still don’t have internet access at work….so I have had to…you know…..work while I’m there.  Instead of do this….

 

Last week we found out who would be in the finals.  The show starts with Ben Stiller shilling his new movie ‘Night at the Museum 2’.  It’s probably a cute movie, in that really retarded way some cute movies have about them.  But if I ever see it, it’ll be on DVD.  Ryan is wearing a gray suit and a shiny tie.  He tells us that just over 1 million votes separates the top two.  Huh.  The kiddies are already out of stage sitting in the Stools of Fate.  <chuckle>  Randy looks like the purple people eater.  Kara is wearing some trashy lace thing.  Paula looks like a cowgirl in a black lace up number.  And Simon is wearing his somber grey.  Jordin Sparks and Katy Perry are singing tonight.  Woo.  Hoo.

 

We start with this week’s Ford music video commercial horror show.  Ironman, Dramadama and Kermit are all cartoons.  The commercial is to the song ‘Break My Stride’….it’s creepy.  As usual.  Then Alicia Keys comes out to talk about Idol Gives Back and beg for money…since they didn’t have a charity show this year.  She is so pretty.  Now they bring out a kid from Rwanda.  His name is Noah and he is singing ‘I’m The World’s Greatest’ and unless you have no soul and your heart is a black ice cold stone in your chest….this was very sweet.  The kid is jumping and dancing all over the stage, so excited to be there.  He learned to sing the song in English in one week.  He shakes all of the judges hands….awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….so adorable.  Alicia commands us to text our donations in….hey.  Wait just one minute.  She’s not singing too?!?!?!  What the hell is going on here?!?!?!?

 

Seacrest talks about the Summer Tour.  Again.  We know already, enough about the stupid tour!  So Ironman comes out on stage and we get to hear about his trip home to Milwaukee.  He got to see Jamar.  You remember this guy, right?  His best bud from the tryouts.  He talks about going from tragedy to triumph.  Remember, he’s a widow.  A recent widow.  He goes on the morning news, radio shows, the mayor announces that it’s Gokey Day in Milwaukee….which is hysterical because a Gokey doesn’t sound like a good thing.  And there’s a parade.  Some random kid thinks Ironman is the best because he’s cute, he has good glasses (as opposed to bad, kids know more than you think) and he lives in Milwaukee.  That’s called being a homer kid.  Way to go.  He’s crying….and there are a TON of people gathered to hear him sing.  He got to throw out a pitch at the baseball game.  He calls it a bittersweet homecoming.  I bet….Ryan recaps his singing.  And then tells him to sit down, shut up….and wait.  In the Stools of Fate.

 

Now we get to see Kermit go home.  To Conway Arkansas.  Arkansas?  Huh.  We drove through Arkansas once on our way somewhere else.  All I can remember is it smelled weird.  And by weird, I mean bad.  Anyway, we find out that he gets free cheese dip for life from his favorite restaurant.  Free cheese dip?  Well, you know you’ve made it now Kermit.  He goes on the news, does a radio show and performs at the Riverfest Ampitheater.  His poppa is very proud.  Proud poppas are the best, aren’t they?  He sings at the University of Central Arkansas.  I’m watching all this go on and all I can wonder is….how long is that wife of his gonna last?  I know I’m a cynic, but Daughtry’s wife didn’t last too long after he made it big.  I feel kind of bad for in her….but not really.  He sings in Simon Park…..irony?  He tells the crowd that they have changed his life.  Yes, yes they have.  Seacrest recaps his singing.  Now SIT!  In the Stools of Fate.

 

We get a break now with Jordin Sparks singing ‘Battlefield’.  Ryan Tedder co-wrote the song and is playing the piano.  I wish he was singing.  She looks amazing.  The song kind of grew on me after a while…but I really just wanted to listen to Tedder playing the piano.  Pretty good….I didn’t fast forward through it, which is a good sign.

 

Now Drama goes home to San Diego.  Some girl streaked across the stage….except she didn’t really look naked.  I didn’t see any unnatural blurring going on.  She was just in her bra.  What a fraidy cat…..if you’re gonna do something like that, do it right.  He goes on a morning news show too, and the woman co-anchor was totally hysterical.  He does a radio show too.  And then he goes to the Met, a theater group he was in as a kid.  And he talks to the kids, which was kind of cute.  He said it was a big full circle moment….ok.  Then he goes to Mt. Carmel high school.  And then the Marine Corps Air Station….or something.  I may have gotten that wrong.  I don’t think his parents live in San Diego….why didn’t he see them?  Anyway, Ryan recaps his singing and then tells him to park it.  In the Stools of Fate.

 

Katy Perry sings.  The song is called ‘Waking Up in Vegas’….which conjures up all kinds of nightmarish scenarios.  Cause you don’t really sleep much in Vegas.  She has the buggy eyes that give me the eebie geebies…..the song gets a little annoying too.  She has a very very weird outfit on.  But hey, it’s Vegas baby. 

 

So 88 million votes were cast.  Good golly miss molly, don’t you people have anything better to do?!?!?!    And now, it’s go-time.  Finally time for the results.  Finally time to get the kiddies off the very uncomfortable looking Stools of Fate.  The first person competing next week is <dramatic pause>  Kris.  WHAT?!?!?  NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?!?!  I did not see that coming.  They surprise me on this show, all the time.  Pleasantly surprise me….how nice.  I like Kermit…he might be my favorite right now.  And then without much ado, Seacrest announces that Drama is competing against him.  Time to say goodbye to Danny boy.  We see his Idol Journey and relive a lot of the moments he had on the show.  And now he has to sing – You Are So Beautiful.  With a brave smile, he says goodbye.  The finale is set – Drama versus Kermit.  Simon calls the finale show a big ding dong….<sigh>….I guess that’s British for a good thing. 

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s the final three….we are dangerously close to being done with the whole shebang this season….<sigh>.  I’ll try to keep it together.  Seacrest comes out in a nice black suit and tie.  He announces that tonight is the show’s 300^th episode.  He refers to the kiddies as the three amigos.  Huh.  Randy is wearing a navy blue striped shirt and blue glasses.  Kara has some weird boxy gray thing on, while Paula is all glitz and glamour.  And here’s Simon in his white t-shirt and chest hair.  Drama, Kermit and Ironman went home over the weekend.  We get to see all that nonsense during the vote-off show.  The boys are singing two songs tonight – one that the judge’s pick for them and one they pick for themselves.  So let’s get started.

 

Ironman is up first.  Paula picked his song for him – Dance Little Sister by Terence Trent D’arby.  I don’t think I’ve heard this song before….but at least Danny boy has a great voice.  I don’t think I’ve heard this song and I don’t like it…..he sounds angry.  Randy says you have a lotta energy, that was dope.  Kara says that song hit the money spot with your voice, but the dancing was too gyrating.  <quizzical look>  What?  Paula says, well I’m a choreographer and I think the dancing was great.  Oh….oh ho ho ho….MEOW.  Paula being catty with Kara…this will be an awesome night.  Simon called the dancing desperate and then says he thinks it was the wrong song.  Paula is trying to say something and Simon won’t let her talk…in fact, it looks like he’s choking her….hehehehe….now they are distracting Ryan with their antics.  Since the cameras won’t show any of it, we just got a lot of sideways glances from Ryan and Danny boy chuckling.  Apparently Paula was hitting Simon.  Oh boy.  This WILL be an awesome night.

 

Kara and Randy picked the song for Kermit – Apologize, by One Republic.  I hope your remember that Archie sang this with the actual band.  I hope you also remember that Ryan, the lead singer, totally blew him out of the water.  This is a great song though…I love it.  Kermy is playing the piano, just like Ryan does.  It was pretty good, but he couldn’t really hit the high notes and he didn’t change it at all….pretty good but not as good.  The girls love him though.  Randy says this is your kind of song.  Kara says it was a confident performance, but I wish you had made it your own.  Paula like the song, said he hit a loud bum note, she’s proud of him and his artistic license.  Simon is confused by Paula and then he tells Kara that she can’t pick a song for someone and then criticize them for singing it…if she wanted it done differently, she should have changed the arrangement.  He thinks Kara and Randy let him down.  Wow….this is getting totally out of control.

 

I don’t know if anybody else noticed this but AI was throwing around a lot of numbers last night, more than usual.  Writing binary code is easier than remembering all these god***n numbers…..

 

Drama is up next.  Simon picked his song.  Of course.  And he’s singing One (more numbers, great) by U2.  Apparently Simon spoke to Bono personally about permission to use the song.  Nice.  It starts off slow and soft and pretty and then he gets screamy.  But in a good way.  A rocker, on key way.   It was the best so far.  Randy says you’re still in the zone, hottest, a really talented guy.  Kara says you’re a strategist and then gives Drama all the credit for changing the arrangement….even though Simon JUST SAID that he did that.  <frustrated sigh>  I hate her so much.  Pay ATTENTION!!  Paula tells Simon to stop gloating, one brilliant song, one superb performance, one American idol.  Wow….if people were able to jinx other people, I would think these guys were giving it their best shot.  Simon says it was a brilliant song choice <chuckle>, and then he says if you’re not in the finals, it will be one of the biggest upsets ever.  Are they building this up on purpose?  For all of you conspiracy theorists out there….are they making sure he’s not locked into an AI contract?

 

Ok, intermission time and Seacrest talks about Idol Gives Back.  Over the past two years they have raised over $140 million for charity and whatnot.  They didn’t do a charity show this year, did they?  Huh, bad economy….I guess.  Anyhoo, Carrie Underwood is in Angola.  That’s in Africa.  She’s telling us about the kiddies dying of malaria and how mosquito nets can save them.  This is very depressing.  Depressing that over 3,000 kids die a day from something that is so preventable…

 

Ok, <sniff>, time for the second round of singing now that I could totally care less who wins this show….Ironman picked ‘You Are So Beautiful’ by Joe Cocker.  Ok.  He’s sitting center stage, in a spot light.  It’s nice and soft at the start, and then he brings it up, and then back down for a nice quiet sweet finish.  This was sooooooo much better than the first song.  This is the Danny everybody fell in love with, the heart broken widow.  Randy says you can really really really sing.  Good job Randy.  Kara calls it stunning.  Paula says you left us breathless, magic, infusing something, blah blah blah, not making any sense, you nailed it.  Simon says he loved the song, not the arrangement, but it was a vocal master class.  And without a break –

 

We’re on to Kermit.  He picked Heartless by Kanye West.  What a weird pick, right?  He’s singing with his acoustic guitar.  And that’s it.  Practically a capella.  And that was actually……….really good.  Wow, this is gonna be a tough choice.  Randy calls it the toughest voting choice ever, better than the original, in it to win it.  Kara called him bold, brave, fearless and perfect.  Paula calls him the bravest artist for singing about Simon, keeps you relevant, bravo.  Simon says after the lame first song choice he had pretty much written Kris off, but that has totally changed.  Oh boy…..

 

And last but certainly not least, Dramadama is singing Aerosmith – Crying.  He’s got his punk outfit on, which is cool.  I think this is what he prefers.  The backup singing sounds too loud in the beginning, but nobody can sing over Drama when he starts to scream.  I actually….did not like this as much…..I don’t know why.  This guy is certainly talented.  But the screamy thing doesn’t always work every time.  Randy calls him one of the best, most charismatic contestants, you should be a rock star.  Kara is puzzled, who hits those notes and can still talk the next day?  Paula talks about frequent flyer miles and says see you next week.  Simon says he’s not gonna suck up, the show is about finding a star and people should vote for you because you deserve it based on talent.  And then Drama was very humble, saying anything could happen.  Very good Drama, nice and humble.  You needed that to get some of the judge’s slobber off of you.

 

Honestly, nobody choked.  The judges’ picks were worthless.  The kiddies picked the better songs tonight.  I have no idea who it’s going to.  Absolutely no idea. 

 

 

And that is pretty cool. 

Later gators,

Heather

 

p.s. Game 7 against the Pens tonight, the Caps are playing at home.  It’s win, or go home.  And we must beat them…..because I cannot STAND the Pens.  Please everybody, think positive thoughts about Washington hockey tonight….

Ok, first things first.  The Capitals have made this the most stressful season ever….they were ahead two games to none….and then they lost the next three.  Last night they were on the brink of elimination.  Against the Pens <hissssssssssssss>, in Pittsburgh <hissssssssssssss>, and the game went to overtime.  AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  Of course we won.  Because the Hubby’s play-off beard has grown out to the point that he looks like a Sherpa.  Heeheehee….Game 7 is tomorrow night.  We have to beat the Pens.  We have to.  I hate that team with such a passion….

 

Anyhoo…last Wednesday was go-time for the Idolers.  Ryan was wearing a black suit and tie….looking dapper as usual.  He tells us that 64 million votes were cast.  Holy crap.  That’s a lot!  You people really care about this one….then he says hi to the top four.  Randy is wearing red, Kara is wearing black, Paula has some snakeskin thing on and Simon looks exceedingly comfortable in his normal black t-shirt.  We start off the filler-fest with the Ford music video horror show of the week….in which the kiddies looked like creepy paper dolls.  Running around in 2-d and for some reason this made me think of Nightmare on Elm Street….I don’t know why.  But it gave me the eebie geebies. 

 

Then the kiddies sang – School’s Out.  Slash on guitar, in his top hat.  Looking a little old which of course makes me feel like the crypt keeper again.  The guitar sounded great, the kiddies sounded ok.  Ryan talks about the summer tour for the eight billionth time and then he talks to the kiddies….like we care what they have to say at this point.  Kermit is surprised he’s there, Drama loved this week, Ironman watched his performance back and thought his scream was hysterical, and Red was proud of herself for talking back to Simon.

 

Now it’s time for the first performance of the night….which was Miss Abdul.  First though AI felt it necessary to do a little video montage of the life and time of Paula, so that anyone who didn’t know would understand how ridiculously successful she has actually been.  It’s kind of nuts when you think about it….she’s so clearly out of her mind….and yet…..she’s sold like a billion trillion records.  <shaking my head>  She’s singing ‘I’m Just Here for the Music’.  Well….not really singing.  She is dancing, and the dancing is great.  The song is a little annoying…but she can really dance.  Total fluff, kind of cheesy, exactly what we all expected.  But undeniably Paula.

 

Then we get a performance from No Doubt and the oh so adorable Gwen Stefani.  She’s just precious.  And such a rocker chick.  I think she’s great.  They sang an oldie, I’m Just  A Girl.  And they, along with the entire population of musicians on the planet, are going on tour this summer.  They’re doing it kind of backwards, going on tour to inspire a new album. 

 

Ryan explains that the top three will get to go home next week anyway, for the star treatment.  You know, the parades, and the key to the city, and all that nonsense that they eat up with a spoon.  If I went back to my high school town with this kind of hoopla surrounding me….it might be cool.  But it might require decades of therapy to get over too.  Ok, so bring out the four.  Ryan is going to announce the first safe one.  It’s Kermit.  Chris with a K.  Kind of a surprise….but Seacrest did say they were announcing them in no particular order.  I like Kermit, I’m glad he’s in the finals. 

 

Back from the break and it’s time to hear Mr. Chris Daughtry.  The one, the only…..if any of you don’t know, I am totally in love with this guy.  And he still looks great.  And their band is coming out with another album….which I will definitely be buying.  He’s singing No Surprise, the first single.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.  It’s great, but who cares.  He is so easy on the eyes….5 million albums sold of the debut.  I have one, by the way, in case anyone wants to borrow it. 

 

The second person safe is…………..Drama.  Yeah, we knew that.  It’s down to Red and Ironman.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, Ironman is safe.  Awwww….I think I would have been sad either way, but it’s too bad for Red.  Danny boy seemed genuinely surprised, surprised I guess that anyone could forgive him for that horrendous scream.  So we watch her Idol journey with her, and then with tears rolling down her face Red sang again – Cry baby.  Good job girl.  You have nothing to be ashamed of….you have your whole life ahead of you.  And a great career, no doubt.

 

Later gators,

Heather

We’re down to the top four.  The four tops.  Here’s Ryan in a gray suit, striped tie and perfect tan.  He says we’re very live tonight….whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.  Apparently there was some kind of accident on the stage earlier and the kiddies didn’t get a chance to do their rehearsals….that doesn’t sound good.  And Ryan says something about the kiddies performing duets tonight….duets?  What the hell?  With each other?  What is going on?  My world is turning upside down….ok, here are the judges.  Randy in bejeweled blue, Kara in cheap punk leather, Paula in a cute little dress and Simon in a very subdued grey t-shirt.  It’s classic rock week.  And the mentor is Slash.  And of course, here’s a montage about Slash and who he is…..oh dear Jesus…..who he is?!?!?!?!  Come on kids.  It’s Slash.  Great guitar….Guns and fing Roses.  Come on. 

 

Drama is singing first tonight.  I guess I should say something about the fact that he’s gay.  People keep asking me about it.  I didn’t think it mattered.  Sooooooooooooooooooooooo….he’s gay.  And I guess that would be a big deal if he won…..but I’m not totally sure why.  It’s not like they’re aren’t any gay singers out there in the world.  Really successful gay singers.  He picked Whole Lotta Love, Led Zeppelin classic.  Great great song…but I’m worried he picked it.  And why isn’t Slash playing the guitar?  Seriously….you have this amazing guitar player in the building and he’s not on stage?  I feel like Alice in Wonderland.  You know what though, Drama sounded pretty friggin good.  As usual.  Randy says this is the Adam I love, don’t even think about Broadway, you a rock star.  Kara called him a ‘Rock God’ and then said something about Nine Inch Nails which made me cringe.  I don’t like listening to her very much.  Paula thinks the band sounds great and then called Drama a whole lotta perfect.  Simon joked that he thought the performance was understated and then pointed out it could have been a disaster.  He says it was his favorite of all of Drama’s performances and nobody is gonna be able to top that.  Uh oh….if he thinks that now….

 

Red is singing second and she picked Crybaby by Miss Janis Joplin.  I think this is a great choice.  Slash says she needs to get over her fear….yeah, she’s 17.  Don’t get over it too quick.  I thought it was a great performance.  She has a great rock voice and she really got into it.  Very nice.  Randy says you can sing your face off <shiver>….why does he say crap like that?  He didn’t like the song choice though….wha whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?  Kara thinks it was the right choice, bluesy rock, we can see your personality.  Paula called her fearless.  Simon thinks the difference between her now and then is staggering, showed a lot of confidence, it was kind of a sound-alike, he would have chosen a Queen song.  Then Red does something totally out of character and gets feisty with Mr. Cowell.  She has apparently finally had enough.  You go girl.  I think Simon likes her more for standing up for herself.

 

First duet of the night is Kermit and Ironman.  They picked Renegade by Styxx.  It’s a pretty good song, they sound really off in parts though.  And then in other parts they sound amazing.  Randy thinks they complimented each other really well, he says the individual singing was just ok.  Kara says the same thing.  But in a different way.  Man I hate her.  Paula thinks the duets are a great idea.  She called it powerful and compelling.  Simon says after chatting incoherently with Paula about how retarded she is….Danny you were better than Kris.  Ouch!  Simon…..that was harsh.

 

Time for Kermit to sing.  He picked the Beatles…..but not the song you would expect.  As soon as he said Beatles, the Hubby mumbles, Revolution.  Right?  But he picked Come Together….which I don’t really consider rock for some reason.  During his rehearsal, Slash loaned him a guitar.   Aiiiiiyiyi.  I would have been freaking out.  Take that guitar and run!  Heeheehee.  Slash says he needs to pick up the live performance and gives him some suggestions on how to perform while playing the guitar, if anybody would know it’s him.  It was pretty good, a little different.  But pretty good.  Randy says, I know you’re not a hard rocker, liked the vocals, loved the guitar.  Kara doesn’t think it was a great performance, she thinks he’s trying too hard.  Paula says it’s kind of risky to pick the Beatles but you gave it your own artistic signature.  Your imprint makes it compelling.  Tonight’s buzz word is apparently ‘compelling’.  <sigh>  Simon didn’t like it that much.  He said it was like eating ice for lunch.  AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Where have all these fantastic Cowell-isms been?  That’s hysterical.  He said he was right that nothing could top Drama.  Hmmmmm…..Kermy might be in trouble.  You never know….

 

Ironman is the last to sing solo.  He picked Dream On by Aerosmith.  Ehhhhhh….I think this is a terrible idea…..I am quite positive nobody knows what a great singer Steven Tyler is…..but you’re about to.  Slash says he picked a tough song….which I think means he didn’t like it.  He says it could go either way.  It all depends on the scream.  And the scream sounded painful.  I think he may have hurt himself.  Literally.  <frowny>  Randy says I know this is not your genre, not great.  A for effort.  Nice Randy….nice demeaning non-compliment.  Kara says you have swagger and edge, but you took it too far.  Then she says I like to see growth….<sigh>…..no comment.  Paula says I don’t think it was the right song for you.  WOW….YA THINK?!?!  Not so much.  Then she gives him an A++ for effort and if I was him I would have walked off the stage right then.  Simon says the last note was like watching a horror movie.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Awesome.  It totally was like watching a horror movie.  He says it was a little over the top, it didn’t work.  But you’re still gonna be safe.  Then Seacrest jinxes him by saying Danny boy has never been in the bottom three….uh oh.

 

Last song of the night is the second duet between Drama and Red.  They picked Slow Ride and they sound GREAT together.  They harmonize perfectly.  Randy says that was the bomb.  Kara says Rock God and Rock Goddess.  Nice and original, Kara.  Paula says they were the perfect blend, they should do a duet on their albums, it was a beautiful thing.  Simon says in the battle of the duets, you won.  Then he says, Drama, you may have given this one a chance to stay in the competition.  Wow….does he really think Allison is in trouble?

 

Because I don’t.  I think she was better than both Kermit and Ironman.

I guess we’ll see tomorrow.  Daughtry is tomorrow….and that’s all I heard before I started screaming and running around the room…..

 

Go CAPITALS!

Later gators,

Heather

It's go time people.  Or it was, rather, like last week sometime.  I do not have Internet access at work right now and it is reaaaaallllyyyyy messing up my life.  Remember when you had dial-up and the Internet was kind of a hassle?  Well...now people think I have died if I don't e-mail them every couple of days....so, just in case you were wondering.  I'm alive.  Alive and well.  Thanks for all the e-mail reminding me that I have this obligation to keep you people up to date on TV.  Seriously.  Too lazy....to watch TV?!?!?  You guys are unbelievable.  Anyhoo...it's go time.  Seacrest asks who will get the shock tonight?  I'm hoping it's the Pathetic Pens in game 2 of the series.  Ryan has a blue or black suit on...as usual I can't tell.  47 million votes were cast.  Randy is wearing pink.  Kara is wearing lavender.  Paula has a snazzy black number on...well....not really on.  Simon is wearing a white v-neck t-shirt which shows off his gross chest hair really well.  After being prompted by Ryan, Simon admits that everyone was good this week.  It's the most open competition they've ever had.  Yeah, we know.  Tonight we have Taylor "Who?" Hicks, Natalie Cole and Jamie Foxx.  Yes, Foxx is spelled with two x's....which I don't think I was doing before....sorry about that.  And a big super smile thank you to everyone who so nicely points out my mistakes.  You guys are super awesome.

 

We start of the night with this week's Ford music video commercial horror show disaster.  The kiddies are singing to 'Energy' and they are running through the desert.  Kinda corny....but it won't give me nightmares, and that's all I can really ask for at this point.  Then they sing their medley song - It don't mean a thing and I got rhythm.  Rhythm is the dumbest word in the world to spell by the way....what ass**le came up with that one.  Anyway, the song was kind of good and kind of annoying all at the same time.

 

We're back and Seacrest reminds everyone for thr 40billionth time that there's a summer tour coming up.  There were birthdays this week for Ironman and Red.  They made themselves a cake, I guess because AI is too cheap to get them one...and they ended up having a food fight.  The kitchen looked eerily similar to my kitchen after I attempt to bake a cake....but that's all I'll say about that.  AI got Danny a "gift" which was the cleaning bill from the most expensive maid service I have ever heard of...not sure if that was a joke.  Seacrest wasn't making it real clear. 

 

Now, everybody come center stage.  Dumbo go to the right.  Ironman go to the left.  Red go to the left too.  Kermit Kris go to the right.  Now Drama....you pick the winners.  And instead of sitting in the middle of the stage and refusing to play these reindeer games, Drama picks Ironman and Red.  And he's right.  Sort of.  That side is safe....but that's not where Drama belongs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry.  I just fell off the couch again remembering that this happened.  I'm back now.  What in the HELL is wrong with you America?!?!  You get all mushy about this guy and then you DON'T VOTE FOR HIM?  You morons.  I hope he gets voted off, just to spite you.  So, Dumbo, Kermit and Drama are in the bottom three.  Simon congratulates Ironman and Red, which I thought was very classy.  And now it's time to listen to Natalie Cole, singing Something's Gotta Give.  She looks amazing, kind of thin, but amazing.  And of course she sounds wonderful.  And then to follow up that stellar performance, we get to hear Taylor Hicks.  He reminds of George Clooney in Oh Brother Where Are Thou.....still goofy....still has gray hair.  The song sounds real country.  He's playing the guitar and the harmonica.  It's a nice song.  Thanks for climbing out from under that rock where you've been hiding to share it with us.  The judges give him a standing ovation, which was nice but I'm sure none of them really meant that.  He was in Grease?  Did I hear that right?  He tells the losers that song choice is the most important thing at this point.  Yeah.  We know Taylor.

 

So bring out the three.  One of them is safe and it's Kermit.  Oh come ON!!  It's so obviously Dumbo going home....but we don't get to find out yet.  First it's Jamie Foxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.  He's singing Blame It.  Cool song....but I'd rather just look at him.  What a hottie.  You can't really hear him that well over the techno stuff and whatever they're doing to his voice, but what-ever.  So easy on the eyes....ok, so he talks about how talented the kiddies are while I wipe the drool off my notepad.  Seacrest asks him if America got it right and he very diplomatically says, it doesn't matter.  Then he plugs his movie.  And I didn't write down the title....so.....he's in a movie. 

 

Ryan points out that Kara and Randy seemed to be more on point this week, while Simon was way off base.  Now, dim the lights.  Blah blah blah, fake suspense....yada yada yada,  Drama is safe.  Dumbo is going home.  The saved one...is no longer safe.  Now we get to see his Idol Journey.  He's trying to hold it together and you know, I think he'll be ok.  Not a superstar, but he'll be ok.  The cat with 9 lives....there's the title to your first album Dumbo.  And since you've managed not to bawl your eyes out and run crying from the stage, now you must sing for us.  Next week is rock and roll week, which is cool except AI never seems to understand what rock is....Slash is the mentor which is hi-larious to me....how many of these kiddies don't know who Slash is?  I'm guessing enough to make me nauseous.  Seacrest thanks everyone.  Thank you and goodnight.

 

Down to four.  Close to the end.  I'm starting to have panic attacks....

 

GO CAPITALS!!!!!

Later gators,

Heather

I am so far behind in this stuff it is unreal.  The Capitals won on Saturday, I am sure you are all dying to know.  My beloved Caps!  Rock the Red!!  Ok, anyway.  So back to 24-land.  Meet Tricia the Lawyer.  She is on her way to the White House but in true 24 fashion, she gets gassed first.  And then drugged some more.  Someone is literally stealing her identity.  This show is enough to make you paranoid. 

 

Tony is waiting for the cavalry and then he shoots himself.  Nice.  Maybe you should shoot yourself again, just to be safe.  Tony tells Bad Guy #19 to stay put, he’s still got to figure out how to get him in the clear. 

 

Back at the FBI, Kim says good bye to Dumbdumb.  No one can change Jack’s mind, yeah yeah we know.  Why don’t they just wait till he goes nuts and then do the procedure?  He won’t be able to say no then….But Kim is glad she got to talk to Papa.  Then Dumbdumb finds out Larry is dead.  She is a deer in the headlights, and not in that endearing way that makes you go ooooooooooo….how sad.  More like the way that makes you want to smack her in the face.  Hard.  Now she’s in charge.  Greeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat.  Pull yourself woman!  She tells Fake-Chloe that Someone has to notify Larry’s ex that he’s dead, but she doesn’t think it should be her.  Uh huh.  Jack is still in debriefing.  He’s repeating himself a lot.  He’s losing it.  Then he wonders off and walks in on Dumbdumb’s briefing.  Dumbdumb tells Jack that Larry is dead…and he might be a little sad about that or it could just be the brain-eating disease effecting his facial expressions. 

 

Tony the Terrible is eavesdropping on the security sweep of the area and after he figures out the entire protocol he calls Bad Guy #19 to give him a way out.  Tony wants him to blow up the FBI.  Nice.  Nice and subtle.  Just as Dumbdumb is about to take off in the helicopter, Jack jumps in.  Dumbdumb is like whatever. 

 

Fake Tricia is at the White House.  The President hears about Larry and of course has no idea what is going on.  Olivia thinks that JV is behind it.  The President remembers what JV said about this being the tip of the iceberg.  She wants JV to go to the FBI to be interrogated.  But Fake Tricia is going to have something to say about that first, she’s in JV’s cell.  He knows it’s not her.  He wants to know how she’s going to get him out.  She says this is difficult.  He jeopardized the plan.  He developed the bio weapon for somebody else.  Very cryptic.  He wants to talk to Them.  And she says, your family will be safe if you commit suicide.  So she gives him a cyanide pill.  Olivia walks in, cuts off this lovely conversation and says we’re moving.  Babye.  Fake Tricia is on the phone with Them, she says it’s taken care of.  Tony is calling her too, he’s her guy.  This is extremely confusing, in a really annoying way.  Does anyone else have the feeling we’re going in a big circle.  Them is probably the White House.  Or Aliens.  Those are my two guesses.

 

Bad Guy #19 is in an abandoned apartment building.  He is setting up the FBI-killing C4.  Jack tries to talk to Dumbdumb and say he’s sorry about Larry.  It’s alright to be feeling what you’re feeling.  Don’t pretend like you’re not feeling anything.  And Dumbdumb gets bitchy as usual, don’t tell me what to feel.  Have I mentioned how much I hate her?  Tony sees Jack get out of the helicopter….uh oh.  Dumbdumb wants to see dead Larry.  That wasn’t a good idea.  Jack says it doesn’t add up.  Jack knows someone else was involved.  Now Tony is in trouble, but Jack’s not onto him yet. 

 

Jack isn’t doing well.  Tony follows him and sees him injecting himself with the anti-seizure meds.  You basically killed him too, Tony.  Bad Guy #19 killed one of the agents and then calls in to draw FBI to the bomb building.  Jack can’t go with her because he’s about to die.  Tony watches Jack like a hawk. 

 

JV takes the pill in the van on the way to the FBI.  Now they’re taking him to the hospital.  Dumbdumb and the Feds are going into the bomb building.  Then the debriefer calls Jack about a name Jack said he got from Tony.  Vincent Carter?  Jack gets off the phone before he figures out that Tony is Terrible.  He wants a map overlay of the transponder codes on the walkies for the Feds.  Jacks knows it’s a trap, tells them to evacuate, but it’s too late.  Of course.  The building explodes.  Jack tells the Feds to stand fast, he knows exactly what is going on.  Don’t let the canister out.  Bad Guy #19 is now in FBI gear.  Tony runs into the building to “help”.  Jack can’t get Dumbdumb on the walkie and for a brief shining moment I think she is dead but of course not, Jack finds her….disappointingly alive.  Renee says it’s like they knew.  I think Jack just figured it out. 

 

He calls the debriefer and figures out the Tony was lying about Vincent Carter.  Tony gets Bad Guy #19 into an ambulance before Jack confronts him.  Jack says if you were lying, I’d kill you myself.  Tony is like I couldn’t tell you about Carter, I made a deal with him not to say anything if he gave me the intel and Jack is like there is no such thing as a meaningless lie.  He is so ridiculously sel-righteous.  Tony says you’re not thinking straight.  Jack knows it’s him.  Tony says its paranoia.  Jack goes into seizures.  Tony takes the gun.  Then he basically confesses but Jack can do nothing and at this point I am hurling things at the television screen.  Bad Guy #19 kills the EMT and then holds the driver at gunpoint.  The end.

 

This show makes me crazy.

Later gators,

Heather

Ok, first things first.  The Capitals won.  WOOOHOOO!  The Capitals….WON!!  This is very exciting.  Now we get to play the Pens…which is also very exciting.  The Hubby is growing his play-off charity beard which is getting a little annoying….but I don’t even care about that.  The Capitals won.  This new goalie, Varlamov, is 21 years old.  He just turned 21 on Monday.  He’s amazing.  And he saved the series for us.  Rock the Red, people.  Rock the Red.  This town is a hockey town again and I love it.

 

Back to American Idol.  We’re down to five.  The fab five.  This week the kiddies are singing tunes from the Rat Pack.  Nice.  I love these songs….but then, anything is better than disco.  Ryan has a nice black suit on with a nice black tie.  Randy is wearing a grey cardigan, Kara is donning the turquoise, Paula looks like a big red bow on a Christmas present and Simon is going a little crazy with a slate grey t-shirt.  The kiddies are all wearing suits….except for Red of course, who has a cute little dress on.  The mystery this week was centered around who their mentor would be, since obviously Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr, Dean Martin, Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford are all dead.  Which Kermit Kris delicately pointed out to everybody.  So….after some pretty stupid editing trying to make the thing all suspenseful, we find out that it’s Jamie Fox.  Ok.  I get that.  He sings…and he’s actually pretty good.  And he’s a performer, so he’ll understand this.  Maybe a slightly little bit more than, oh say….Quentin Tarantino.

 

Kermit Kris is singing first.  He picked ‘The Way You Look Tonight’.  Jamie loved him and wants to do a record together.  That was nice….but I don’t think he was being nice….I think he was being serious.  The performance is beautiful.  And he’s adorable.  Randy thought it was a great song, his best performance.  Kara said he set the technical standard very high and he has great diction and phrasing.  Paula thinks he has transitioned well to a handsome sophisticated gentleman (as opposed to shopping in the woman’s department).  Simon thinks the performance was a little bit wet.  And I have absolutely no idea what that means….must be a British thing.  Then he compared Kris to a well-trained spaniel.  AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….Paula wishes….I think he liked it, but I’m not totally sure.  I am totally sure that Kris is totally safe.

 

Red is singing next and we get to find out that she just turned 17.  Doesn’t somebody always have a birthday on this show?  So she picked ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’, which is a lovely song.  Jamie said, you’re too young to be in love so you must be talking about your family, sing to them.  That was some great advice, which I think Red took to heart.  It’s a very pretty performance, a perfect last note.  I really liked it.  Randy said he thought this would be tough for her, but he thinks she looks like Britney Murphy and sounds like Pink with about 9,000 more octaves to her voice.  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.  So, I guess that means he liked it.  Kara says she’s not nervous for Red anymore, it was a gut-wrenching deep emotional performance.  Really Kara?  Gut-wrenching?  Paula says Red has an innocent sensibility, both alluring and very tender.  Simon says I don’t think you believe you can win….I have a horrible feeling you could be in trouble.  I get what he’s saying, I do.  But I like her.  Seacrest suggests she get a little ego.  Great….tell that to a 17 year old.  Like throwing gas on a flame.

 

Dumbo is up after the break.  He’s excited about this week, he thinks it’s his wheelhouse.  He’s got his cute little hat on and he picked ‘My Funny Valentine’.  Jamie didn’t say anything and then he did.  He suggested Dumbo sing it in a lower key, which I think was a good call.  He’s sitting on a stool, center stage.  It’s very nice.  But not the best so far and not the best we’re gonna hear tonight, I’m pretty certain.  Randy said you picked one of the hardest songs to sing, it was a little pitchy, 6 out of 10.  Kara says you gotta be the leader of the pack, I don’t think you were emotionally connected to the song.  Paula says she loved everything….and then wiped the drool off her bow.  Simon says he disagrees with…..<suspenseful pause>….Randy.  He thinks Dumbo gave the only believable, authentic performance of the night so far, absolutely brilliant  I think he might change his mind after he hears that back….I think Dumbo will go next.  Just based on popularity.

 

Ironman is fourth.  He is singing ‘Come Rain or Come Shine’, another nice song.  Jamie got right up in his grill while he was practicing.  <chuckle>  It probably helped him, actually.  He has such a nice tone to his voice and he’s singing this one a little gravelly, which sounds great.  I really liked that.  A good bluesy feel, he built it up.  Nice, very nice.  Randy says you are the only one who can have albums and win.  Wow….you think so, Randy?  The ONLY one?  Kara says he has swag <sigh>…..she called it unbelievable.  Like your English, Kara.  Paula said it was stellar performance.  Simon says you have swagger and confidence, you proved a point with your vocals, your performance was outstanding, he gives props to Ricky for a great arrangement and thanks Jamie for giving the good advice.  Wow….

 

Last but certainly not least….is Drama.  I still don’t like this guy very much, but it is becoming more and more difficult to say anything bad about him.  Jamie listened to his practice and then goes – ‘Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?’  heehee….then he sings.  He walks down the stairs, commands the stage, blows everybody away with his voice.  That was a showstopper.  Damn damn.  Randy says he knows he sounds like a broken record, but even though he thought it was a little theatrical, Drama is in the zone.  Kara says he shocks and confuses her <big surprise> and then she called it sleazy and superb.  Paula says words cannot describe you, it was better than good, you’re our Michael Phelps.  <shaking my head>  Simon thinks that Randy complaining about it being too theatrical is like complaining that a cow moos.  Winning is important, and you want to win.  Best entrance so far.  He tells Ryan he can’t use those stairs anymore.  HAHAHAHAHAHA….yeah, right?

 

So anyway….I think Dumbo will go, but it could be Red.  I think Danny boy and Dramadama will be in the finals….maybe.  Could be Kris and Drama….but right at this exact moment, I think it will be Danny.

 

Later gators,

Heather

It’s go time people.  The show opens with recap recap recap….just in case you missed last night or have forgotten what happened in the last 24 hours….Ryan reminds us no one is safe.  He’s wearing a dark blue or black suit (I can’t tell) and a polka dot tie.  He always looks nice now.  Happy Earth Day and all that.  Apparently, David Archuletta is singing tonight.  Great.  Archie is back.  Good ol’ squinty eyes.  45 million votes were cast and now here are your judges.  Randy has a black button up on, Kara is wearing a strapless green number, Paula is very glitzy tonight, and Simon is wearing a grey sweater.

 

Now we find out why Paula is so dressed up tonight.  She was the choreographer for the kiddies’ group performance.  Oh, ho ho ho….really?  Finally….Paula doing something she excels at.  You have to admit, as nutty as she is, she really can dance.  So Ms. Abdul gets to introduce the song and we get to see the short little dress she is wearing.  Of course she looks amazing in it.  The song the kiddies are “singing” is obviously pre-recorded.  There is no chance they could sing and dance at the same time….and they are not very good at lip synching.  Heehee.  It was a cool dance, I wasn’t listening to the music.  The kiddies got some flowers for Paula, which was very very nice.

 

Time for the Ford music video brainwashing message.  The video was to “I’m Good, I’m Gone.”  I have no idea what this was about, very random, made no sense….except now I have a weird urge to buy a new car.

 

Seacrest says, dim the lights.  Time for the results.  Lil, please stand up.  Ok, so she is in the bottom three….well, he didn’t actually say she was in the bottom three, he just said please stand on this side of the stage.  And without any real fanfare, she is booted off the show.  Done.  That’s it.  Sayonara.  See ya later.  Oh wait, first sing again, and no I didn’t listen to this.  After it’s over though, Paula goes, why didn’t you sing like this last night?  Hahahahaha…nice Paula, rub salt in the wound.  Like singing better would have helped.  Randy says this is just the beginning for you.  Simon says he’s still a big fan, and he’ll miss Lil’s family screaming behind him.  Kara says, I think you learned something on this show, and manages to make it sound extremely condescending.  After Lil goes, there is an all-star disco music medley.  <pause>  Oh sweet Jesus.  No, I did not listen to this.  Not even a little.  I forwarded through the whole thing, I didn’t even pay attention to who was singing.  I’m a bad blogger and I don’t care. 

 

Now it’s time to find out the bottom three.  Kermit Kris please stand up.  He is safe, of course, and more adorable than ever.  Dramadama please stand up, nevermind, shut up and sit down, you’re safe.  Ironman, please stand up.  Oh, he is adorable too.  He’s safe and he thinks he knows what Simon meant by clumsy.  Anoop de Loop Loop is next and yeah, yeah, yeah, America still hates you Anoop.  He’s in the bottom three, and I think he kind of knew that.  Red and Dumbo are standing up now.  It’s gotta be Matt, right?  Nope.  America, you suck.  Red is in the bottom, well two I guess.  Dumbo is safe.  Wha-WHAT?!?!  <sigh>  I’ll be really annoyed if she goes before Anoop.

Archie is singing ‘Touch My Hand’…is he smaller than he was before?  Maybe he’s shrinking.  And is this flat?  No, maybe it’s just me still not liking him.  He’s smiling, this big cheesy grin, but the lyrics sound kind of sad to me….huh.  And he is flat.  And squinting.  So glad he lost.  He’s going on tour this summer….isn’t everybody.  He tells Red and Anoop that there are so many opportunities after Idol, yes dears, your lives will not be over when you inevitably lose this competition.  Ok, get off the stage Squint.

 

We’re down to Anoop and Red.  Time to find out who the second person voted out is – it’s Anoop.  Allison is safe.  Thank goodness.  She’s the only girl left.  And because the show has managed to be on time again, we get to see a recap of Lil and Anoop’s Idol journeys.  The Mom and 13.  Babye.  Thanks to everyone and goodnight.

 

Later gators,

Heather